Everyone loves an NC UPDATE! What do I do next?

[drdre]

First off, thanks everyone who read and/or responded last time. If you want to have more background, here is my original thread.

 

To summarize, she broke up with me, I realized I wanted her like crazy, tried to get her back for 4 weeks but she said she was not changing her mind, so I stopped trying and started NC. I kept NC for 3.5 weeks.

 

This week on tues, she texted me "Hi". I responded. We exchanged a few "How are you's" and stuff and I decided to cut to the chase with this:

 

I'm going to be very direct with you right now. I've missed you a lot xxx. A lot. In the last 24 days since we spoke, not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. So I have to ask you this: Are you texting me today bc you are thinking of exploring the possibility of us giving this another shot? Bc if not, I'd rather not get my hopes up and get hurt again.

 

I know, I know... I kinda put it all out there. BUT her response was this:

 

I've missed you too xxxx and I was hoping we could start by having a coffee or meeting for a drink.

 

Our schedules are difficult right now (she is out of town this weekend, Im out of town starting thursday and all the following week) but we are set to meet for lunch this wednesday. We've exchanged a few texts since then (she sent me a few pics of her trip and I asked a few questions about it) but for the most part things feel a bit awkward to me. I dont know if it's tension, or just the uneasiness of not knowing where we stand with each other but these exchanges dont feel like "us". Maybe they arent supposed to yet until we actually talk, who knows. Thoughts?

 

Anyways, I wanted some tips/feedback on how to approach this lunch thing. Do I try to be "us" like we used to? Do I treat it as a first date? Do I talk about "us" or just make it light and fun? Do I kiss her? Am I over thinking this? Arggghhhh!! I made it clear I only wanted to talk if it was to get back together and her saying she wants to meet up would indicate she wants to get back together too but for some reason, I dont feel like it's a "sure thing" and Im not sure how to approach it. I definitely dont want to "mess it up".

 

Im nervous..

 

Thanks!!!

[TaraMaiden]

Oh good grief.....

 

She hasn't in any way shape or form indicated at all, that she wants to try again.

You've just opened the door to being 'Friend-zoned'.

[drdre]

Oh good grief.....

 

She hasn't in any way shape or form indicated at all, that she wants to try again.

You've just opened the door to being 'Friend-zoned'.

 

What?! How has she not? I said "unless it's to get back together, dont bother" and she says "let's meet for a drink", isnt it clear that she does? What makes you say that it isnt? She is a smart woman and we had a great relationship, I cant imagine that she would interpret this as an opportunity to be friends. What am I missing?

[TaraMaiden]

What?! How has she not? I said "unless it's to get back together, dont bother" and she says "let's meet for a drink", isnt it clear that she does? What makes you say that it isnt? She is a smart woman and we had a great relationship, I cant imagine that she would interpret this as an opportunity to be friends. What am I missing?

 

Let's meet for a drink is not "I think I made a mistake, I'd like to try again."

 

It's "let's get this on a level where we are at least talking again, because that will make me feel better, less guilty, and it will mean that you are amenable to at least renewing contact."

 

You think this has never happened before?

You think no dumper has ever suggested 'meeting for coffee' before?

you think your ex is the only one to say she misses you?

 

Brace yourself.

[flitzanu]

pay attention to Tara on this one. none of what this girl is saying or is doing is in ANY WAY "answering" your ultimatum you threw at her.

 

she isn't saying anything about getting together, and she didn't even tell you that she wants to talk about "you" or anything related.

 

she simply said:

 

"let's start by having coffee"

 

maybe she wants to tell you in person that she's sorry you're hurting but that she's moved on and already living with some new boyfriend, and she didn't want to say that to you in a text message?

[Simon Phoenix]

What?! How has she not? I said "unless it's to get back together, dont bother" and she says "let's meet for a drink", isnt it clear that she does? What makes you say that it isnt? She is a smart woman and we had a great relationship, I cant imagine that she would interpret this as an opportunity to be friends. What am I missing?

 

No, it doesn't mean that at all. She could just want to meet you as a friend and see if you would agree to be that. She probably thinks you won't stick to your guns about "relationship or else" especially since you weren't able to stay away from her for even a month.

[drdre]

pay attention to Tara on this one. none of what this girl is saying or is doing is in ANY WAY "answering" your ultimatum you threw at her.

 

she isn't saying anything about getting together, and she didn't even tell you that she wants to talk about "you" or anything related.

 

she simply said:

 

"let's start by having coffee"

 

maybe she wants to tell you in person that she's sorry you're hurting but that she's moved on and already living with some new boyfriend, and she didn't want to say that to you in a text message?

 

That wouldnt make any sense - I had absolute ZERO contact with her for 3.5 weeks. Not so much as a single text or FB "like" (we are still fb friends but I removed her from showing up on my feed). Why would she contact me just to tell me something like that? She could have moved on with her new guy without needing to contact me at all.

 

In any case, for arguments sake, let's play the pretend game and pretend that she does indeed want to work things out (we all know Im going to meet her and we all know what my hopes/expectations are), how should I approach it?

[flitzanu]

That wouldnt make any sense - I had absolute ZERO contact with her for 3.5 weeks. Not so much as a single text or FB "like" (we are still fb friends but I removed her from showing up on my feed). Why would she contact me just to tell me something like that? She could have moved on with her new guy without needing to contact me at all.

 

In any case, for arguments sake, let's play the pretend game and pretend that she does indeed want to work things out (we all know Im going to meet her and we all know what my hopes/expectations are), how should I approach it?

 

let me repeat HER contact to you.

 

"hi"

 

"I've missed you too xxxx and I was hoping we could start by having a coffee or meeting for a drink."

 

 

 

as for playing the pretend game of her dying to dive back into your arms based on meeting for coffee? first move is to stop pouring out every emotion in your soul when she simply texted you and said "hi". that's the SUREST WAY to scare the crap out of her and push her VERY FAR AWAY. you havne't talked for a month, and she says:

 

"hi".

 

and you reply with:

 

"omg i love you so much i've thought about you every single day and i can't get you out of my mind i want you back so badly and if you don't want it you should just stop talking to me and whyt are you texting me and saying "hi" it must mean something so lets do this and try again"

 

so she says "woah hey, look i miss you too, but let's just go have coffee sometime first"

 

so now...you sit and wait until she actually asks YOU to go get coffee. my honest opinion? she's pretty clear on how YOU feel. if you text her every day asking when she's gonna meet you? she isn't.

 

you wait for her to ask you to meet up, since it was her idea.

[drdre]

let me repeat HER contact to you.

 

"hi"

 

"I've missed you too xxxx and I was hoping we could start by having a coffee or meeting for a drink."

 

 

 

as for playing the pretend game of her dying to dive back into your arms based on meeting for coffee? first move is to stop pouring out every emotion in your soul when she simply texted you and said "hi". that's the SUREST WAY to scare the crap out of her and push her VERY FAR AWAY. you havne't talked for a month, and she says:

 

"hi".

 

and you reply with:

 

"omg i love you so much i've thought about you every single day and i can't get you out of my mind i want you back so badly and if you don't want it you should just stop talking to me and whyt are you texting me and saying "hi" it must mean something so lets do this and try again"

 

so she says "woah hey, look i miss you too, but let's just go have coffee sometime first"

 

so now...you sit and wait until she actually asks YOU to go get coffee. my honest opinion? she's pretty clear on how YOU feel. if you text her every day asking when she's gonna meet you? she isn't.

 

you wait for her to ask you to meet up, since it was her idea.

I think I see a little more what you mean now. I did go "guns blazing" right off the bat and I can see how it would work against me.

 

In any case, the date is already set. We set it the day we talked. It's this coming wednesday and we are meeting for lunch.

 

What tips you got for me on how to act at the actual lunch?

 

Thanks again!

[reddragon588]

What tips you got for me on how to act at the actual lunch?

 

Act normal.

[JDPT]

I have to give her the benefit of the doubt although my better judgement tells me not to. I think she may not want to put it all out there like you did through text hence asking to have coffee. Again I'm playing devils advocate here.

[drdre]

Act normal.

 

Talk about the relationship or just try to keep it light?

[Simon Phoenix]

Talk about the relationship or just try to keep it light?

 

If you are asking all these questions you shouldn't be having this meeting. I mean, you can't post while you are at lunch with her. You aren't ready for this.

[Chi townD]

Well, if you're meeting up for lunch on Weds. Then keep the conversation light. NO talk about the relationship. NO talk about missing her, NO talk about getting back together. You do all of that stuff and it sounds like a business meeting.

[BC1980]

If you are going through with this, please don't talk about the relationship. Even if she brings it up, I would steer it away from that. At least give her the impression that you aren't too invested although you might have already blown that by your earlier text.

 

Just go in with no expectations. That's all I'm saying.

[Kizza]

Go to the lunch. Talk less. Observe more. She will let you know what she is there for through her words actions etc... if unsure come back here and tell us about it.

 

Talk less though, less chance of saying something you can't get back and less chance of giving her too much information to work with.

 

Keep your feelings to yourself at this stage.

 

If she asks you how your feeling about things, turn it around on her. Ask her how she feels, she is the one who made contact.

[flitzanu]

yes, what everyone else said. do not go in pouring your heart out again. she knows how you feel, what you don't know is how SHE feels. you need to give her a chance to talk, and you need to be calm and attentive, and again...do not talk about getting back together and don't try to convince her. you just need to see what she has to say.

[Chi townD]

And if it sounds like she's trying to pull the friend zone crap, cut the lunch as early as possible. She may try to convince you with , "Lets start out as friends; go out as friends and we'll see where it goes from there." Sounds inviting and promising, but it's just friend zone crap.

[JDPT]

Exactly, don't allow her to hypnotize you into the friend zone. Abort immediately if she attempt to do so. As previously stated, observe as much as you can, get a good sense of what she is there for. She will initiate conversation leading to what her intentions are. Lastly do not pour your heart out and tell her how much you love/miss her, don't lose your dignity in the process.

[Confused_Soul_23]

Dre how long is it since you last saw her?

[drdre]

She originally said she wanted to break up june 1st. Last time we actually spent time together was June 9th (we already had plans so we kept them) and we slept together. Last time I saw her was June 15th (only time since the 9th - saw her briefly at a party) and the next day was when she called things off. After that I left her alone but a week later she contacted me and I answered. Then a week after that she texted me saying she was not changing her mind. A few days later she contacted me again but this time I ignored it. She tried a couple more times but I kept NC. That lasted almost 4 weeks which brings us to now.

 

Also this may be worth mentioning. We have a good friend in common (a girl). I know a couple weeks ago my friend talked to her and according to my friend she is having just as hard of a time as I am. She said my ex wants to be with me but she is worried about our kids getting attached and this not going anywhere. My ex supposedly would have no hesitation about trying again if she didn't have kids. She is scared that I'm not ready for the same things she wants and she doesn't want to put herself and her son through that if she is correct about me. In all honesty I WASN'T ready when we started dating bc I was still going through the divorce but in the last couple months I've dated plenty and each time I noticed how much happier I was with her instead of these other women. So yes, I want more with her.

[Chi townD]

Man, this is the 21st century and some people are going to have kids while single. Unfortunately, divorce is made way too easy.

 

But, what a lot of people are now doing is dating without the kids in the picture. Meaning that Mom or Dad gets a sitter while out for the evening. The person that they're dating isn't interacting with the kids UNTIL the couple knows that the relationship is going somewhere. Hence, the kids aren't exposed to a bunch of men or women coming in and out of their lives.

[drdre]

We both agree. That is pretty much what we did. Our kids met twice when we took them to six flags and once to the movies around month 4/5. Even so, when we had them, we showed no signs of affection towards each other. Not so much as hold hands. We were just mommy/daddy's friends. Point remains, there is more at stake when you have kids. No one would argue that.

Edited August 6, 2013 by drdre

[drdre]

In any case, sounds like the overwhelming advice is: chill the crap out and let her talk and tell me why she is there. If it is anything other than getting our relationship back, then cut my losses.

 

In summary (I'm a programmer):

 

If(letHerTalk == relationship)

ComeShareASuccessStory();

Else

Bail();

 

Ha! Couldn't resist.

 

All jokes aside, I'm aware that nothing may come of this and that I may be back here wed afternoon saying "WTF?!". Having said that, I didn't want to be prepared ONLY for the worst and be caught off guard in the event that the "best" happens and she does want to get back together.

 

Anyways, thanks for the tips! If anyone else has anything please chime in (I'll be checking this till the 11th hour). I'll be back wed not matter what to let everyone know what happened (I hate when I get hooked on a thread and don't get an update. I'm not gonna do that to you guys. Haha).

[TaraMaiden]

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