soccerrprp Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 dredre, Here's my take on this. First of all, I was a little confused with the advice given to you earlier. Some telling you NOT to talking about the relationship, but bail if the subject of the relationship is not spoken of. Hmmmm. Going NC again is a wasted endeavor now. You are going to meet her and you've told her of your expectations. She knows this. Go on the date, DO make it business-like and redirect her if she tries to hijack the meeting into something else other than the two of you getting back together. This is what YOU want, so this meeting should not be made "light." Talking about getting back together is not "light" business. If she is not seeking getting back together, as you want, then shorten the date and excuse yourself and return to NC. Frankly, I think you expressing how you honestly felt during the time away was just fine. It didn't hurt you. It didn't make you any less of a man. It seems to me that you know what you're doing and getting advice prior to your date, something that many people on LS do, is fine, too. Good luck, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeIsGreat Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 There is nothing wrong with "dating" an ex while improving yourself to the point where some of the issues that broke you up can be addressed. BUT.... you have to be able to man up and realize you may get hurt again. There is no guarantee that at some point she may flake on you and you stop hearing from her. No guarantee you may not get friendzoned. If you have the fortitude to realize this AND you REALLY think she is worth it, then I say go for it. Sure, most of the time it doesn't work but sometimes it does. You'll never know unless you try. Keep everything light like you are simply dating again. If she brings the relationship up just tell her you want to enjoy the time you are spending and you'll talk about it another time. Let her SEE a difference. Talk is cheap. Once you guys have spent some time (couple weeks-couple months) enjoying each other, you will at some point have to address what broke you up. Link to post Share on other sites
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Hello Dre, I empathize with you and your situation. Its quite the quagmire. Your lady ended it because you wouldn't commit, which hurt you. But now that you're ready to commit, you may not be able to trust her to not leave again. So how do you overcome HER fear and convince her you are serious yet at the same time deal with YOUR fear she will bail again? I think some serious boundaries and open communication are needed. For one, you must reel in your extreme emotions and desire to jump back in this. (self boundary). You must let her know her leaving hurt you. If you allow her back with no boundaries, she will think its ok to bail whenever she doesnt get her way. We teach people how to treat us. You are valuable here too, don't forget that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author drdre Posted August 7, 2013 Author Share Posted August 7, 2013 It's show time! Fingers crossed!! Link to post Share on other sites
Myonenonly Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 It's show time! Fingers crossed!! Are you there now??? Keep us updated! I'm excited for you Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Good luck to you bro, most importantly don't lose your dignity in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Let us know exactly what happened! A lot of times our hearts supersede what our minds should be processing. In other words, we can help you look outside the box on what was truly said and what her motivations might be. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I hope it all works out the way you want but in my experience these little "meets" go something like this: You meet up, catch up, you're trying to play it cool the whole time but in reality your heart is leaping out of your chest, you can't believe how good they look, you're wondering if they missed you, you're trying to relax but you can't... Then, you wrap things up, they say they'll be in touch, or "We should do this again, it was great seeing you..." Then you find yourself waiting by the phone and it's torture because you left things open-ended. Look - getting dumped SUCKS. But the one thing I've had to remember is someone who is REALLY into you wouldn't dream of dumping you and risk losing you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anythingbut Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Doctor Drizzay... I've only just picked up on this thread, and I'm routing for you bro! Play it like Val Kilmer in Top Gun - total ICE MAN!! By the way, the text she sent you - 'I've missed you too' with 4 x kisses - she DEFO is interested in rekindling things with you. Just don't blow your chances by being OTT!! Think: 'how would the Fonz play this?' Good luck my man Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 oh good grief..... No she isn't....... The Fonz...? You are kidding, aren't you? Heeeeyyy....! Link to post Share on other sites
anythingbut Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 ...it was a metaphor for play it cool although it would be funny if he took my advice literally and dressed up like Henry Winkler lol! Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I thought that xxxx in the text was his name blanked out not four kisses!! Anyway, updaaate! This is *not* "Bail()", is it?? If Talk.Outcome>0 Then Rooting(You) Else Rooting(You) anyway 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Let's meet for a drink is not "I think I made a mistake, I'd like to try again." It's "let's get this on a level where we are at least talking again, because that will make me feel better, less guilty, and it will mean that you are amenable to at least renewing contact." You think this has never happened before? You think no dumper has ever suggested 'meeting for coffee' before? you think your ex is the only one to say she misses you? Brace yourself. Yeah, this sounded like she didn't want to give you a direct reply and is just stringing you along, because she's afraid that an outright no will lead you to cut off contact with her for good. Link to post Share on other sites
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 He hasn't come back to update. It feels like it didn;t go well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drdre Posted August 8, 2013 Author Share Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) Update time!!! BTW, I just got home and havent even taken my shoes off yet. I came straight to the computer for this update - if you stuck around this long, get ready! This is going to be a long post. I know you guys love the details! So here the full run down. I texted her last night and asked her how her week went. We made some small talk then I texted her: Are we still on for tomorrow? She took like 3 hours to respond. I kept my cool and did not text her again but I was freaking out thinking she was going to bail. She finally responded and said yes, we are on, and to text her in the morning to finalize where we would meet and what time (she needed to look at her patient's schedule). This morning I hear from her with a time that works, I pick a place I know she likes and off we go. It's show time. I get to the restaurant and wait for a few then go ahead and go in. A few mins later she texts me saying she is running late. Im like great, she better not stand me up. BUT... she follows up shortly after with a text containing her order so I could order for her since we are on lunch break. Crisis averted. She finally gets there and I say hi with a more or less awkward hug and a kiss on her head (I'm from Brazil and I say hi that way to all women but the hug is usually not awkward). Throughout the meal, we small talked and laughed a lot. We asked about each other's kids, upcoming plans, recent news and etc but NO RELATIONSHIP TALK AT ALL. This whole time, my heart is pounding in my chest. All the advice from the forum kept flashing in my head while she was talking. Do I bring it up? Do I not bring it up? Do I tell her how I feel? Do I keep cool? What if I dont get another chance to put it out there? Man! I was all over the place. In the end, I did NOT bring anything up. We finished and I told her I'd walk her to her car. Someone had hit her car a few weeks ago and she showed me. We laughed some more about how often she wrecks her car - it's a running thing. As we are walking around to the driver door she asks me: What are your plans this week? In my head I hear that as her trying to make plans with me. That's when all my "Fonz like coolness" went out the window. So I ask her: How are you feeling about things? I think you know how I feel but what is going on through your head? Do you have a few more mins before you have to run? She had to run a few errands before going back to the office so I knew she had to go. She asked me if I needed to be back in the office right away (which I didnt) so she asked me if I wanted to get in her car and run to target with her and we could talk on the way. So I did. She started off my explaining how now that she has had some time apart, how she really has had time to think "How would this even work if we were to make this happen?". She is referring to the fact that our divorce decrees bind us each to different geographic areas and how neither of our exes are very flexible. At point, I decided to go for broke. Put it all out there. Straight up hail mary style. I went with something like this (Yes, I actually had thought about all this beforehand and had it typed up thats how I know more or less what I said): I've been feeling this way for a while but I didn't want the first time I shared this with you to be under these circumstances. But in case this is my last chance to say this to you, Im just going to put it out there. I love you xxx (her name NOT three kisses). Looking back I've always felt it. I was just an idiot too stubborn and stupid to admit it, recognize it, and embrace it. (She told me she loved me once before but I didnt say it back at that time) She said: I know. I continued to explain why I loved her and how I thought we could work out some of the issues we had related to our decrees. I wanted to show her I had seriously put time into it since that was the main issue for her. While at target we talked some more and at some point she hugged me and said as she smiled: "You are an idiot. Such a pain in my a$$ (an inside joke related to the fact that she knew I was going to be trouble when she decided to date me while I was still going through the divorce)." On the way out as we got to the car, I stopped and turned her towards me, put both of my hands on either side of her face, looked her in the eyes and told her I loved her again. She said she loved me too. We kissed. It was perfect. On the drive back to my car we talked some more, made some plans and cracked some jokes about how "She was right when she knew I loved her way back when" and how I was right when I told her "This is not over" when she called things off with me. It was a really great feeling to be ourselves and laugh together again. So there you have it. A success story after all for a change! Thanks to everyone who has followed this and many, many thanks for all the advices! If I had not found this site, Im not sure I'd have had the outcome I did today. There were sooo many times when I was dying to text her, call her, pester her and beg her, but I just got on here and read some threads instead. Doing that was probably what kept me from doing those things and pushing her away all together. So thank you. Hopefully I'll get a good hang of things at some point and be able to give back to some. LS Rocks! Edited August 8, 2013 by drdre 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Good, glad it was positive. I would still take it slow though -- sometimes these things don't take if you go too fast too soon. But hopefully it'll continue to go your way. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 woah, you said "i love you" and she said "i know". you got Han Solo'd. but really, i'm glad it went smoothly and that she didn't just invite you out to rip you in half again. and as phoenix said, KEEP IT LIGHT. don't force or rush things, as it seems like things are in your favor for the moment. hopefully they stay that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drdre Posted August 8, 2013 Author Share Posted August 8, 2013 woah, you said "i love you" and she said "i know". you got Han Solo'd. but really, i'm glad it went smoothly and that she didn't just invite you out to rip you in half again. and as phoenix said, KEEP IT LIGHT. don't force or rush things, as it seems like things are in your favor for the moment. hopefully they stay that way. What are you guys talking about "take it slow"? I'm confused. Taking it slow is what got her to break up with me in the first place. I'm not saying I'm ready to get married tomorrow or anything but I do want a full blown, healthy, serious, possibly turn into more in the future type of relationship with her. What do you guys mean? Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 meaning don't wake up tomorrow assuming everything is exactly how you want it to be. did either of you actually discuss and literally agree that you are officially back together or that you ARE now together? you both still have a lot of work and a lot of talking to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 I agree with everything Flitz just said. You're at the tip of the Iceberg and you two still have a lot of logistics to work out. Slow take REPAIRING the relationship slowly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovesucks76 Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Happy for you dude! Just be cool about it now, take it as it comes! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anythingbut Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Dre, this post has made my morning! ...Well done buddy, am delighted for you! As some of the guys have pointed out though, and I'm sure you're aware of this anyway, you've still some work to put in on this situation to get the relationship to a point that you are both happy with, but you've definitely got what it takes brother - just keep it cool! ...spirit of the Fonz 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Very happy for you, Drea. You're very mature and loving for your age. Well done! Be happy!!:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author drdre Posted August 8, 2013 Author Share Posted August 8, 2013 (edited) meaning don't wake up tomorrow assuming everything is exactly how you want it to be. did either of you actually discuss and literally agree that you are officially back together or that you ARE now together? you both still have a lot of work and a lot of talking to do. Aaahhh I see! I totally get it now. I guess after such a long update post I left a few things out. I'm 99.9% sure we are together now. We said things like "Im glad we were able to work things out", We made plans for me to fly to her hometown in a few weeks to meet her family, going out of the country in October (she was already going on both of those trips and she asked me to come with her), I have family coming in town next week and she is going to meet them. She also texted me yesterday after we met saying "I'm really excited" and later that all the girls at her office were "ecstatic" after she told them how our lunch went. While I didn't say "So, are we like, boyfrann/gurlfrann now? [insert bimbo voice here]", if somehow we are NOT, I'd have to chalk it up to mental insanity on her part. I will say that I was going to come over to her house last night since we both didn't have out kids and she did say she'd rather till next week (next kid free day) to give us time to work back up to picking up where we left off. I thought that was reasonable and I didn't have a problem with that at all. She still called me last night and we talked for almost an hour just catching up like we used to. I think this is still good advice though now that I get it. I'm just going to take things as they come instead of jumping to "I love you" every time I get off the phone. I'm very happy though and I think only good things are ahead of us right now. I feel confident we are both "in this" and on the same page now. Here is hoping I never have to give an update about how I was wrong! Cheers! Edited August 8, 2013 by drdre 3 Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 This is all excellentissimo! Keep going, and keep communicating - what happened with the staying over being considered and then postponed to later is the type of stuff you need to keep doing, to make sure you stay on the same page. You made lots of plans already but at the same time don't be upset if they don't all happen. You both sound really happy and sure of what you're doing but even either of you has small doubts every now and then for the first few weeks, especially about how slow or fast things are going, that's ok too. Keep talking! Btw, I want to know: did my little "programme" from a few posts back make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
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