AyyZ Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I have a 3 year old son. His father and I split up when he was just a year old. He took off accross the country and didn't come back for almost a year. In that time, I changed my son's last name back to my name as I wasn't sure whether or not his father was ever going to come back. Well, as my luck would have it, the dead beat did come back and insisted on being in my son's life, but only when it's good for him. I just recently got married to a man who adores my son. We are expecting another child and want all of us to have the same last name. Now, my question is do I change my son's last name so that it is the same as the rest of ours? His birth father is upset about it because as he puts it, it hurts his ego. My son doesn't have his last name, he has mine. So does it really make a difference if he has my maiden name or my new name? His father has no legal rights to my son or guardianship rights. I just want my son to feel like he's a part of something. I worry that once he gets older he'll feel as though he's not a part of the family because his last name is different from mine, my husbands and he sibling. Am I wrong to feel this way?? I'm so confused and would like a little feed back.... Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Change your sons name to that of your new husbands. You can't make him an outcast in his own home, which is how it will feel to him if he has a different name than his siblings. When he's old enough to decide for himself he can change his name to his real fathers. Right now he is your responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 If his father has no intent on fathering him, you should change his name. Bluechocolate, this is not always the case: Originally posted by bluechocolate You can't make him an outcast in his own home, which is how it will to him if he has a different name than his siblings. My name was different from my mother's new married name. And when I remarry in December, I hope that my son (age 4) doesn't feel the way that you just spoke of. This makes me very sad to think that he could feel this way. My last name will be that of my new husband's AND his daughter. My son will continue to hold his father's name. His father plays an active role in his life and I would NEVER take his last name from our son! He will not be treated as an outcast in his own home and I hope he doesn't think he will be one. Just because of a name. Link to post Share on other sites
kiwi29f Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 If you son's father has no legal rights to him why does it matter how he feels, he wasn't there for you before. Is your new husband going to adopt your son? I would have to agree with bluechocolate. My mother-in-law had that same problem with my husband when he was a 2 years old. But her new husband adopted my husband & gave him his last name. His "real" father moved to washington state (we live in south carolina) & hasn't seen or heard from him since. & he's fine with that(my husband) Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 from tiki He will not be treated as an outcast in his own home and I hope he doesn't think he will be one. Just because of a name. You're right tiki - I didn't mean it so literally, I guess more that there is the potential for that to happen, especially as his real father is very much not a stable, routine part of his life. In this case I think the best thing to do is to change her son's name so that he is fully accepted & loved by one family & not have this tenuous connection that he can't really explain other than that he is not his current Daddy's real son. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I agree - in this situation, take advantage and change it. Thanks BC. I'm sensitive about the whole transition, but there's just no way I could change his name, unless I was in Ayyz's position, which I'm not. Thank goodness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AyyZ Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Thank you all for such a quick reply. It's just hard because his father is very upset about this. I should mention that my son goes to his place what should be every second weekend, but that only happens when it's convenient for him. It makes it tough, ya know. It would be different story and not even a second thought if the dead beat, who might I add is in big time arrears in child support, wasn't around at all. He wants to be a part time dad and then I have my husband who hates seeing my child get upset when daddy says that he can't come and stay this weekend. Even at 3 he gets his feelings hurt. I wish that I could cut the ties from here but for some reason I feel like I have to let my son see his dad, providing he's around, because I don't want him to resent me when he's older. HELP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 who might I add is in big time arrears in child support Who cares how upset he gets? If he cared for his son he would meet his legal obligations and maintain regular & routine contact. In the 3 years your son has been alive has he shown you that he knows how to be a good father? He sounds like a dead beat. Do whats best for your son & family and forget about his feelings in this matter, they're meaningless. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I think you should do whatever is best for your son. I wouldn't consider your child's father's feelings at all when you make this decision. If you think his biological father will maintain any kind of consistent presence in your son's life, then you may want to change his name to his father's. I say this because I have a daughter, whose father I am divorced from. Even though, he is not the greatest Dad in the world, she is very attached to him, much more so than her stepfather who totally supports her financially, and has lived with her since she was 2 years old. She only sees her Dad every few weeks. Kids want their parents, and many times don't really care if they're the best or not. However, if the father is not going to be there, then change your son's name to yours and your husband's, so your son will really feel like he belongs in a family. Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I agree as well. I think you should change your sons name. I agree with Matilda and Blue Chocolate. I wouldn't consider the father's feelings in this descisions either. He only wants to be in your sons life when it is convienient for him. He never considered your feelings when he left you a year after his son was born. One of my friends was in a similar sitation. Her sons name was different too her. She wanted to change his name before he went to school so they had the same last name. The father wasn't very happy. He isn't a very good father. Only visited her son every couple of months, years. He's even ashamed of him because having a child before marriage is against his religon. Big Deal? What father would be ashamed of his 6 year old son? He's married also. His wife wants nothing to do with my friends son. Forgot what religon they were. That's probably just an excuse not to see him. My friend also feels the same as you Ayyz. She tries to get her sons dad to visit her son as much as he can. Still it's always the same old excuses. Explain to him why you want to change his name and then give him a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 You owe nothing to a man who would abandon his woman and year old child. It doesn't matter that he came back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AyyZ Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 so, let me get this straight. I should just change the name.... Even if it upset my son's father? His argument is that it will only confuse my son once he gets older. I fear that it will confuse him as to why his dad and his family has one name, (did I mention that he is now dating and living with my cousin and they just had a baby, making my son's sister also his cousin? Talk about a Jerry Springer episode), his mother and her family have another name (my married name) and then here is my son in the middle with a last name that no one else has. That seems a little more confusing then having the same name as his mother, stepfather and sibling. Now, the only problem, and I wouldn't even consider his feelings at all, is that my son does love to see his dad. And I truly believe that he is good to him, when he is there. His girlfriend (my cousin) just ripped into me this weekend about how all I want is a part time baby sitter and his money. In my defense I said that it takes a lot of money to raise a child. Regardless that me and my son's father are not together, he chose to get his willy wet and now he needs to take care of his responsibilities. If I don't have any money to put food on the table, I can't just shrug my shoulders and say "oh well". With that attitude, my son would starve. Child support is set a $235 a month, which is piss poor compared to all the bills. Day care alone costs $500 a month. I guess the question is.... Am I wrong??? I don't want to pretend that I'm perfect. If this will affect my son in a negative way, I refuse to do it. He's my world. Link to post Share on other sites
Geminigyrl_2003 Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 My brother is 19 years old and his last name is different from ours he took my mother's maiden name. His dad stayed in prison. Me and my twin brother, my mom, and my dad all have the same last name and my brother doesn't seem left out. We still treat him like a brother and my parents treat him like a son. He calls my dad 'Da' just like us but he knows and communicates with his father but he knows who really is his father....my dad. Is al a matter of understanding. His real dad can be a punk and always disappoint him but with your husband being there he'll soon give up and began to become fully dependent on you and your husband just as my brother did. When he gets older he may decide to change his name but why....he doesn't have his father's name nor your husbands so that's shouldn't be a biggie. Who cares if his father's upset...and if i were your son i wouldn't change it becuz havin his last name would mean nothing but having yourz could. So just be patient...u can continue to let them communicate(your son and bio-father)but sooner or later he'll break away as long as you or your husband shows him the same love u do your unborn child and not jeopardize him. Link to post Share on other sites
missopinionated Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 What makes a child feel part of a family is a whole lot of stuff that has nothing to do with his/her last name. You surely know families where everyone has the same name and the same parents and they still don't speak to each other. As for your ex, whether his child has his last name or not won't make him a better parent. You're right about that. His ego needs a stroke.... Let him find another way. If he's really a man and if he's really committed to being a parent, he won't care if his child's name is Green Onion. IF/when your new relationship/marriage comes together, you can revisit this issue. Your son is old enough to understand what's going on. You might ask him what he wants! A big thing to remember is that we define ourselves by our names. It is no different for children but it may be harder for kids to redefine themselves when someone else imposes a name change on them. In my family, there are two names. I and my eldest child share a last name and the two younger kids have another name. I've asked them all whether they'd like to have one family name and they've all said no, that they know themselves with these names and that it doesn't make any difference to them what those names are. We're a family. The names aren't an issue. The only time it ever becomes an issue is when people, who have no need to know, ask questions. My usual reply is "Why do you want to know that." Stops 'em dead. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Your son is young enough that I think it is OK to change his name so everyone matches. Just this one last time only. The most important issue is what works for your son - his father's feelings should be a minimal factor only. Although I think this is much more of an issue for the grownups than it is for the kid, frankly. Link to post Share on other sites
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