running into your douche bag ex twice in one week..

[angelj]

Hello Loveshackers!

 

Its been a while..

 

For those of you who used to follow my threads, I was in a pretty emotionally/verbally abusive relationship for about 3 years. I was head over heels in love (with the idea and the man I thought my ex could be) and also very co dependent. He was (still is - people don't change) an alcoholic and toward the end of our relationship, which was up and down for a while due to his emotional instability, he started breaking things when drunk and angry - and finally he punched a hole clear through our solid wooden master bedroom door - this was 6 months after the night we moved in and he had too much to drink and he kicked me out at 4 am and called his mommy to come over and diffuse the situation (who made me leave, barefoot with nothing..) He is almost 31 and he is an only child. His mother never lets him be accountable, she provides him with food and clothing, always cleans up his messes before there even is a mess. It used to drive me insane because I felt like she was the root of his problems - and when he would let down his barrier and talk with me, he would say the same thing.

 

 

Basically, after he punched the hole in the door I decided it was time to leave, this was in April of this year, 2013 just a few months ago. So I packed my things and left my furniture behind - still being an enabler, didn't want him to have nothing to sit on, God forbid (which btw that move was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life) and I left. For about a month after, he called me repeatedly every weekend from 12-3 am, hammered, crying, begging for me back. I wouldn't deal with it. I wanted to talk to him sober and kept asking for that opportunity but he never did. He also kept telling me (when drunk) he wanted to ask for my hand in marriage and had not yet and he was so in love with me and he would do anything to have me back and he would ALWAYS FIGHT FOR ME FOREVER! Well, he didn't. He stopped calling and a few weeks ago, he started dating a new woman he works with. His mother had been texting and calling me repeatedly, saying how she missed me so, how she prayed we would be back together, etc etc etc.. once this new gf started, she sent me a text last week after 2 weeks of nothing saying "congrats on your new job and new apt - i hope this reality check has taught you the importance of saving money for an emergency so you would have been able to move out into your own place immediately instead of having to wait a few months. Love ya" WHAT?! reality check?! Yes, I did have to go stay with my family which was horrible and my things were thrown into garbage bags the night i moved because he, once again, got drunk and nuts and was throwing my things around the house, and yes I did just land an amazing job with an incredible national company and i have a fabulous place on the water, but really?! it took a lot of hard work! I have no furniture, i have to save like a normal adult and accquire things one at a time - I don't have the luxury of a mother like her to just fill my home and fill the void.

 

This new gf has a child - something he was always telling me he felt he was too immature and irresponsible to ever deal with.. not to mention he was telling me how much he hated himself and how many issues he had and how he was so depressed and hated life - well, in this short few weeks,he has also dropped about 40 lbs, looks happy and supposedly is not really drinking as much.

 

Its hard to believe that someone with such deep-rooted issues has changed in the blink of an eye like that. And it IRRITATES The LIFE out of me that after all the BS i put up with and all the things I held his hand through, the one thing I wanted he couldn't give me - kindness, love and affection and respect - and here he is, Mr Wonderful?! ALL of our/my friends are telling me he will crack, this is an act, etc etc but I spent the day angry with God. Not understanding why I went through all I did and lost myself and my self esteem AND my furniture for this.

 

So, long story short, he tells me about a month ago that he no longer would allow me to pick up any stray mail that arrived at his house, that he would do return to sender because he wanted to avoid a "weird situation" (i assumed he had the new gf) he has been blowing up his facebook with "IM SO HAPPY! I AM WITH THE HOTTEST PERSON ON THE PLANET" posts - and after all of this, he sends me a text last sunday asking if i remember his wifi password because "he got a new lap top!" WHAT?! then I run into him at the grocery store, for the first time ever Tuesday and he recites to me all these things he has seen by watching my social media - "i saw you moved here.. i saw so and so is your neighbor.. you're working there.. i saw this" it was weird.

 

Then today, I head to the beach and I run SMACK into him as I am walking up the boardwalk. What?! Only for me to get settled look up and see him leading his new gf into the ocean hand in hand.

 

Enough was enough. I left and I was PISSED. Pissed I left my furniture, pissed I was struggling and regaining myself one day at a time and pissed he appeared so normal and happy. Meanwhile, I have a LOT to be thankful for - an AMAZING man who gives me more than I could ever imagine, a cute 1/1 on the water, something I always dreamed of and a new job that pays me 25k more than i was making before..

 

Does anyone understand what I am saying though? It kills me and it pissed me off. Everyone says his time will come to fall apart - but if it does and if it doesn't, I just want to get over the anger soon. I didn't want to leave him, I wanted nothing more than to stay and live happily ever after, but after a lot of tears, begging, pleading, compromise and prayer, I realized it would never happen.

[Turtles]

I hear ya - it's like, ok, soo I guess I wasn't worth trying for? But the motivation of being able to show me off is doing it for you? Well what a f.n sad way to live.

 

Angel these people are toxic and just get off making others miserable. My xW was/is the same way, after we divorced she got the treatment I always pushed her to get, and is apparently now doing wonderfully, though I am sure she is looking for someone else to torture. For a while she was sending me the updates about all the wonderful stuff she was doing and how much fun she was having without me, I kept blocking her and eventually it tapered off, I guess she realized I didn't care. But it took a while for me to get to the point where I didn't, there is something really sickening to care for someone for so long and watch them struggle every day together, then miraculously heal once they are on their own.

 

Just stay away from him... be assured he hasn't changed as a person and will continue to drag others into his misery, but you won't be around to be affected by it!

[Lei Ping]

People change. Some change for the better and some for the worse.

 

Whether or not our past lovers do better or worse after we are out of their lives is not a reflection on us. It's reality and it's all on them.

 

Don't waste your time looking backward, it will inhibit your movement forward.

[angelj]

thanks to you both..

 

I agree with toxic people - and yes, people CAN change, but the person they truly are doesn't change.

 

I have had a multitude of people tell me he hasn't change, he has just found another girl to charm for now.. and they're likely right.

 

I am feeling much better today anyway, my religious side has decided to let God handle him the way He wants to! My life is totally amazing right now without him, so why dwell on the past?

 

still pisses me off tho.. how long did it take you to get past the hurt?

[Turtles]

I would say about 12-18 months (we were together 9 years), I still get a bit angry or sad about it sometimes, maybe it's not a bad thing because it's a lesson I need to remember!

[angelj]

ahh, ok - thanks for the response. Since I was only with him 3 years, I am hoping in the next month or so it will subside.

 

At first I was SO HAPPY to be out of that situation, then I saw his change and realized all his words of "wanting to fight for me" were all BS. And I have been so mad that he never really gave it an honest effort. He would call me over and over again, hammered - but he never had the balls to call or text me sober and say, "I'd like to talk." It was like I was either not enough for him to try or he just wouldn't deal with it.

 

Either way, I am still dealing with hurt and anger. I even told him about 2 months ago I forgave him and would always love him but I think it was premature. I actually hate his guts but I am working with myself and God to let it go and move on without all the pain and anger. Its definitely tough!

 

I agree TUrtles, they are toxic and I also agree that while he may have changed, its temporary. OR maybe a part of him HAS changed! (one could only hope that this many times on the merry go round with multiple women having the same end result) would cause a change.. but I KNOW that his personality has not. His true personality. He will always be selfish, he will always have a short fuse and he will never, EVER be 100% capable of controlling his drinks.. the inevitable will happen again.

 

I've improved since I left, I've lost some weight and I've gotten back into some of my good old habits, but I haven't MORPHED into a new person! And I am still very much the same in many aspects. It just isn't possible.

 

Sorry for your pain - I have found a wonderful new man and everyday I look at the bright side and am thankful for the lesson as you said.. I think its the only way to go forward.

[Turtles]

You will get there It has definitely helped me appreciate what I have and not take anyone or anything for granted! Glad you found a great partner now.