Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

Tonight is hard. He moved out on Friday. I cried the whole time he was packing, kissed him and hugged him, then I left to go to my friend's house where I had a meltdown in her arms. I've also initiated no contact starting today. I felt great about it earlier and now I'm feeling low. However, I know I have the strength to get through this. I've been through a lot with him. I know he made the right decision to leave me.

 

It is late here now and I must soon go to bed. Alone. He always kept me warm at night. Now I have to struggle to stay warm. I really miss him. I've known him for 9 years (I met him in high school just before I turned 17). I intend to use this forum to cope and write stories of us; I would now but it is just way too late for me.

 

Tomorrow, my friends at work will be asking me questions that I really don't want to answer but I've already opened up that can of worms so I might as well seal it with: "I'm great now that he actually moved out." I actually do feel pretty good about this now, but still, 3 years of official dating takes it's toll. And I really do want to reconnect with him right now so he could hold me while I drift away. Maybe in another life.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I feel for you so much. It's though when they pack your things and go. It happened to me just a couple of weeks before you.

 

It's great that you think it's good he went. Hold onto that knowledge, it will help you. You'll have setbacks and it will be tough but you have it in you.

[Virgil876]

I feel for you, everything will be better.

Stay strong.

[LostInTheWild]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I went in to work today, but I left at the last minute because I simply didn't want to go. I had no energy to do my work and had trouble getting started after three days off. I looked at myself in the mirror while I was washing my hands after lunch. I didn't even recognize myself. My eyes are puffy although I haven't been crying and they're turned down. I look like I've seen people die in a car accident or something...I guess that would be shock? Anyway, I pulled through and got plenty done which makes me happy. I don't want or need to get fired because I absolutely love my job and the people (most of 'em anyway). My heart would break into a million pieces if I couldn't go in and see their smiling, bipolar faces every day.

 

While I was in the shower this morning, memories flowed through my mind and I couldn't stop them. We had recently gone on a cruise together at the end of June. We had had a fabulous time, but when we got back, he just started acting differently. He wanted to go out and stay out of the house all the time. What was most hurtful was he never invited me along even though he was hanging out with people who were my friends too.

 

Then there is that feeling. A feeling I've felt before. The one that tells a woman that something is wrong in her relationship. Not two weeks after our return from this trip did he say that he thought we were incompatible and he wanted to break up. I cried and told him we could truly work on things this time -- a counselor could help us bring back the communication we used to have in the beginning. After giving him much grief about it, we decided to go -- and I was surprised he actually showed up.

 

We discussed past hurts, what we didn't like about each other, what we wanted from each other, what we had hoped to discover through counseling. I thought it was really productive. He didn't. We never went back. It broke my heart but I thought things would get better and carry on.

 

He started acting even more strangely. One day while at my parent's house, I was cleaning my car. It was totally unplanned, but I love my car and it needed to be cleaned. We were there for about an hour and I was about 20 minutes away from being done. He was MIA most of the time until I asked him to help me finish. He walked away and checked his phone. He came walking back towards me and said, "We have to hurry up. I'm going to hang out with 'insert name of friend here.'" I knew he would be angry with me if I stayed to finish my car, so I stopped cleaning and told him I would drive him home. I returned to my parent's house to finish up.

 

In the wee hours of that morning, around midnight, I receive a text from him stating that he would be sleeping at his said friend's house because he had been drinking. So I called him when I woke up about two hours later and he said he was outside of our place already. He came upstairs and I knew he was still drunk. But he was happy, so I wasn't mad. And I was used to this sort of behavior because he'd done it before. The next day I told him I had a bad feeling. I said, "I think a storm is coming." It made him angry. And it did.

 

The weekend before he moved was worse. He said he considered us broken up and I should live my life. Pulled another all-nighter and was gone all day Sunday. What made this situation bad for me was he told me he was going to hang out with his friend (who I know) yet again. I was fine with that. I attended a company function without him then went to a bonfire. He was just getting home around the same time I was.

 

Call me wrong for getting suspicious, but it was because everything was so sudden. Suddenly my opinions didn't matter. Suddenly he wanted to break up. And he was still living with me and sleeping next to me. But that feeling I'd felt earlier paid off. I sifted through his contacts and saw a name. A name I never heard of. And although I knew he was texting this number, I was unaware that it was some woman I didn't know. I thought it was his sister up until that point. I asked him who it was and he blew it off, "Oh, she sells weed. She's some drug dealer." Right.

 

The phones were in my name, so I could see who he was texting. I'm a very straightforward person so I texted this number being very blunt. I asked her if she was seeing him and after she found out he lived with me still, she just kept texting. She told me they had in fact hung out on Sunday, the day of my company function. She said she wasn't interested in him but she thought he was interested in her because he was always complimenting her. He always wanted to hang out with her and he loved doing so because they smoked weed together. She told me they had met the week of July 4th...the week he started acting funny. They met at his job and she said he was a "fox," so he gave her all his contact information. ALL of it. They had hung out twice.

 

I decided he was right at that point. It changed my mind about him. I do not like liars. I was on my way to my parent's house about 30 minutes after receiving those texts when he called me and asked if I had texted her. I said, "No. Why would I do that? She's a drug dealer, right?" He said, "Yeah, that's why I was hoping you didn't." I just said, "Oh." He sounded petrified. "Um, look, I just think I should tell you the truth. We hung out on Sunday and it was nothing. She is just my friend." Oh the tall tales I've heard before. This woman had nothing to gain by lying to me. But let me tell you this: she never mentioned a VW bus, her friends, not another SOUL on the days they hung out. But he did. And according to him, they only hung out once. I interrupted him and told him it was none of my concern. We got off the phone and I just started laughing hysterically. I don't know what happened. Something snapped in me and I realized what a fool I've been for all these years.

 

I spoke to a guy at work and he told me that it sounds like he wanted to sideline me in case things didn't work out with her. At this point, I was just numb to it all. I didn't care anymore anyway. If he wanted to leave, then he knew where the door was. I sent him the text messages explaining that I didn't want to lie to him and that I wanted him to know that I had spoken to her. I also said that I didn't want him to be angry about it because I wasn't. I just didn't want to hold onto that lie. He sent me a text saying he was moving out. It sunk in then: he is really moving out. And he sent another: I'm so over this relationship. Well, in my fury I told him that I don't like being lied to when I'm supposed to be hearing the truth.

 

Eh, I guess that's the end of that story. We all know how it ends. He tried to tell me before he moved out that it had nothing to do with that woman. I guess it really didn't; it had to do with us. The funny thing is I never even cried. That's how bad things have gotten. That is how much I've been lied to. I'm immune to the pain and it didn't hurt me at all.

[LostInTheWild]

I'm so stupid...

 

I miss him. I look at my phone and wonder if he will text or call me. I still want him to want me back. I must be insane! I keep thinking this period of ignoring him will coax him back, but there's nothing to ignore.

 

He has moved out before. Twice, actually, and the third time is a charm, right? This time it feels so final. It feels final within my heart and it feels final in the decision I've made to never contact him for anything.

 

I came home and packed up a few things he has left here (I set up a time with my friends to drop it off at their house so he could pick it up). He is still holding on to the keys to my place -- which I have no idea why he still has the keys. I decided to give it time and he will give them to our friends who live a few houses away from where he is staying. Also, he left his other car parked here. This kind of makes me mad because he is no longer a resident here and there is limited parking. WTH? Every time I go to work or leave the house there is a big, BLUE reminder sitting in front of my face. I'm looking over my shoulder hoping not to see him.

 

Eh, oh well, I guess I don't really care. I just wonder why he left it.

[Virgil876]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I went in to work today, but I left at the last minute because I simply didn't want to go. I had no energy to do my work and had trouble getting started after three days off. I looked at myself in the mirror while I was washing my hands after lunch. I didn't even recognize myself. My eyes are puffy although I haven't been crying and they're turned down. I look like I've seen people die in a car accident or something...I guess that would be shock? Anyway, I pulled through and got plenty done which makes me happy. I don't want or need to get fired because I absolutely love my job and the people (most of 'em anyway). My heart would break into a million pieces if I couldn't go in and see their smiling, bipolar faces every day.

 

- - -

 

Call me wrong for getting suspicious, but it was because everything was so sudden. Suddenly my opinions didn't matter. Suddenly he wanted to break up.

 

- - -

 

Eh, I guess that's the end of that story. We all know how it ends. He tried to tell me before he moved out that it had nothing to do with that woman. I guess it really didn't; it had to do with us. The funny thing is I never even cried. That's how bad things have gotten. That is how much I've been lied to. I'm immune to the pain and it didn't hurt me at all.

- I had to take a week off work too, the feeling of "it's all too much" and I just had to take one week off just so I won't stay in auto-pilot like for the past fortnight, I just need the time to recover.

 

- It was sudden for myself too, although I don't think it was a sudden decision from the dumper, I just wished I was notified of what was happening and solve it instead of getting dumped.

 

- Like you, I'm actually not that upset which surprises me. I was with my ex-girlfriend for 3.5 years and it end less than a fortnight ago, the fact that I'm not that upset by it might be a hint that I found the relationship to have been a bit stale too... I did cry though.

 

I'm so stupid...

 

I miss him. I look at my phone and wonder if he will text or call me. I still want him to want me back. I must be insane! I keep thinking this period of ignoring him will coax him back, but there's nothing to ignore.

We all get these moments, it's normal.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Keep going! You're doing really well. It's still so soon. You'll have ups and downs, just try to get into systems to deal with this.

[LostInTheWild]

Today has been the worst day. I've turned to the bottle and the can opener (when you need a can opener, it's good beer).

 

I went to work and just sat there..."autopiloting" through my work and the things I couldn't get through or figure out, I asked a sh*t ton of questions. This led to a lot of dumb a** questions being asked on my part. I even had a buyer explain to me how to use the database...Yeah, I know that already... I just need someone to bring me out of this coma I've created for myself at work!

 

I think she did this so I wouldn't bother her with stupid things. But really, I just want to find comfort in that when I can't make it through, someone can guide me. I've only been in this position for 2.5 months or so (I recently got promoted), and it's specialized -- I'm still learning how to do more and more things. I REALLY need my job now so I can make ends meet. If I fail or if I make too many mistakes, my name will pass through people's mouths and they will eventually fire me. Homeless is not my style...And living with my parents again would mean suicide (at the ripe old age of 26).

 

Then I snapped on another woman from my department. I asked her to explain something to me so I wouldn't make mistakes because it was new to me. She seemed (in my foggy eyes) to get upset with me because I had been asking her questions, too, all day. This woman is a person I consider a friend. I feel badly for kind of just saying that I just need someone to explain things to me so I don't make mistakes. I apologized to her through email and told her I was scared of losing my job. She told me not worry and that I was doing a great job. Okay, well, at least she accepted my apology.

 

If you knew me in real life, you would know I love to crack jokes. But everyone knows how low I've been because that smile isn't on my face anymore. I spend more time in my office thinking. And when they try to make me laugh it hurts my face and my heart. So now, my coworkers have begun to notice my posture...I walk with my head down...Greeeeaaaaatttt....

 

The icing on the cake for today...and it is kind of funny, but I shouldn't have said it...I needed my manager to sign papers for me. It is quite routine as I'm the "mini" buyer. One of the male buyers was in his office. I walked up and told them I was sorry to interrupt. The buyer said jokingly, "Can't you see we're talking here? Sh*t!" And rolled his eyes. I knew he was joking, but I didn't want him to look funny at that moment. Last week he hurt his back doing whatever -- I don't know...sitting in his chair? So I fired back, "Do you want to be walking around hunched over again, [insert name here]?"

 

He shut up. I hoped that my manager thought it was funny, but I responded to the handing over of papers with a polite, "Thank you." I went my merry way and laughed the whole way back to my office, but I knew what I said was worse than what HE said.

 

I got home and decided to work out. It wasn't rewarding at all. I needed something to eat too, which brings me to the pizza place across the street. I haven't been able to eat much. Everything tastes bland or funny to me now. I'm glad I got my favorite. At least I could eat that on top of the tuna sandwich I had at lunch -- eating seems to be improving when I have the food in front of me.

 

His car is still in the parking lot. My friend has not mentioned the keys...And I thought about him ALL day...

[unexpectedlyhere]

Have you considered telling someone at work? For me it's really liberating that my manager and the HR person know, they were really supportive but aren't based in the same building so I don't see them everyday. But's just good they're in the know. I have not yet told my other colleagues though, so I don't have to sit through their questions or their pity. I am sometimes snappy to one of my colleagues (whom I normally find quite tough to deal with anyway), but I figured once they find out - they will eventually! - they'll figure out why that was.

[LostInTheWild]

Should I break no contact and ask him move his car? And to hurry up and drop off my keys? It seems he is moving on rather quickly anyhow...Based on my brief period of internet stalking...

[unexpectedlyhere]

Is there someone else that can ask on your behalf? Does he know you're doing NC?

[LostInTheWild]

No, he doesn't actually know I am. See, he hasn't been texting or anything so he wouldn't know...

 

But he has left his car here on a private lot -- the association doesn't know he's moved out yet. *I* want it gone more than they do but I could have it towed if I so chose...

 

And he knows he's supposed to give the keys to our friend...

 

By the way, I've found out that he's been hanging out in bars about an hour away. Something tells me he's with someone already...Which I don't really care about but I won't afford him special "rights."

[unexpectedlyhere]

Have your friends that he is meant to drop the keys at chase him about those and tell him they heard the association is getting impatient about the car.

Let them know not to mention unless he asks, but they could explain that you don't want to deal with him directly because you're wanting to move on as soon as possible.

[Virgil876]

LostInTheWild, I've done the stating-out-the-window-for-5-minutes thing at work too, haha. Or I just put my thoughts on paper and write something.

 

I've got some business plans, doing a Masters degree part time and full time work so I have a few things to keep me occupied, otherwise I still thing of the good times that once were.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, I talked to my friend and she said I should CALL him...I was like: . I told her I'd text him instead. I ran the risk of him not answering and thinking I wanted to discuss relationship matters -- a "hah!" in my book.

 

I sent this and meant to be as cold as possible: "Hi. Please remove your car from the parking lot by the end of the day on Thursday. And please return my keys to [friend] as soon as possible. Thank you and hope you're doing well."

 

He just replied: "Okay. The car will be gone tonight."

 

I said: "The keys?"

 

Nothing yet on those. But now it kind of bothers me he might be seeing someone else...

 

HOWEVER, he has a lot of problems, well, at least when he was with me... I'm not sure if habitual lying goes away (or the excuse "I just can't talk to you") or if alcoholism goes away just because you get a DUI.

[LostInTheWild]

And boy...I'm pretty angry tonight.

 

Hopefully my posts will be better tomorrow...

 

I hope the loving, missing soul in me comes out tomorrow because I can't stand this hopeless emptiness...

 

And I'm kind of mad that he left his sh*t in the first place. I mean, what do I look like? A junk yard?

 

A junk yard full of nine years' worth of memories and such? Please...Let me put the bottle down. I have to work in the morning...

Edited August 7, 2013 by LostInTheWild

[Virgil876]

I cannot believe how many spelling mistakes I made, smart phones are evil.

 

Also, watch a movie or something similar, go occupy yourself with something. I don't know if I'll ever get to the angry stage... hmmm.

[LostInTheWild]

Thanks Virgil, I needed that laugh. I mean just today I was texting my friend and the autocorrect came on and corrected (I don't usually spell cool this was) "kool" with "kook." It made me laugh.

 

I don't know why I suddenly am angry either. I've been sad and mad all day. I guess the drinking and finding out he possibly already has someone else made me very angry. But after these few minutes of venting and talking to my friend, I've cooled off a bit, I think.

 

I'm glad he's moving his car tonight. I'll miss looking at it wondering why he left it. I'll miss not knowing why he held onto the keys because I secretly want him back -- but whatever, this is coping. This is what it's all about. I'm learning and I feel like I can get through this still even though I broke my no contact to get him to do these things. Again, secretly, I want him to know I will treat this like business as usual. I don't want him to know I'm hurt. I don't think he will ever know that -- unless he asks me.

[LostInTheWild]

I'm back in my own thread again!!!! >_>

 

Him: "Those too" (In reference to the keys)

Him: "I wish you would talk to me more."

Me (breaking my no contact agreement once again): "Why?"

Him (almost making me cry right this minute because I hate seeing him suffer): "Because I don't like feeling hated going through this. I can't stop thinking about you and it depresses me."

 

Okay, okay, let me stop...

 

WTF should I say to that? I mean, he's going to make me cry yet again! We said our goodbyes and we had our closure! WTF is he thinking already? I've learned not to divulge the details by spending a day on LS. I kept it business as usual but I slipped and asked why and he wants me to "make himself feel less guilty." No...I can't do that. He left me. I won't do the hand holding when I have none in return.

Edited August 7, 2013 by LostInTheWild

[Virgil876]

Thanks Virgil, I needed that laugh. I mean just today I was texting my friend and the autocorrect came on and corrected (I don't usually spell cool this was) "kool" with "kook." It made me laugh.

 

I don't know why I suddenly am angry either. I've been sad and mad all day. I guess the drinking and finding out he possibly already has someone else made me very angry. But after these few minutes of venting and talking to my friend, I've cooled off a bit, I think.

 

I'm glad he's moving his car tonight. I'll miss looking at it wondering why he left it. I'll miss not knowing why he held onto the keys because I secretly want him back -- but whatever, this is coping. This is what it's all about. I'm learning and I feel like I can get through this still even though I broke my no contact to get him to do these things. Again, secretly, I want him to know I will treat this like business as usual. I don't want him to know I'm hurt. I don't think he will ever know that -- unless he asks me.

Glad I gave you a laugh, whatever helps!

 

Yeah, it is still early stages for me (nearly a fortnight now) and I did have times when I wanted my ex-girlfriend back, it is only normal.

 

I've been upset and angry myself, but then in the end, no point to dwell in those things, instead use those energy draining thoughts to turn into some productive actions. People cope differently, so you may have to take a long walk at night, get impressed by skyscrapers or nature then reposition that energy into something self motivated empowering.

[LostInTheWild]

Gosh, how did you guys end? I'm sitting here seething in anger right now trying not to text him hurtful, mean things. He picked the wrong day to respond...Friends? I think not. Make him feel less guilty? No. When I'm left swinging in the breeze taking on double the bills, sleeping alone, and losing my companion (for better or for worse) -- no.

 

I hope I'll have something nicer to say tomorrow. I mean I guess I'm more angry with myself because I've been wrestling with my thoughts and trying to keep him out. And my job performance has suffered because of this. That makes me even more angry (although that is the only thing I can control in life).

[iouaname]

Definitely don't respond when you are angry! It'll only perpetuate the desire to do so. You'll do it, feel better... and then you'll get angry again and want to do it again to feel better. It's not a helpful solution. Try to step away from the situation and clear your mind, and then come back to the situation later.

 

You're going to be alright!

[LostInTheWild]

Thank you IOU. I'm trying not to respond and if I do respond it will be in a calm manner. I do not want him to feel this way -- this is friend-zoning. "Oh, it's cool. How are you? Oh, awesome! You're great? Me, too? Want to hang out? Cool! Great. Love ya, bye!"

 

Nah, I'm good. But I want to be civil here. He knows I don't hate him...we've said our I love you's and such before he moved. Why is he thinking about me like this? He shouldn't be. I remember long, long ago when I dumped my ex and I didn't think about him twice.

 

However, part of me just wants to tell him to go get laid. He'll feel better chasing someone new in the long run. I'm the dumpee here...I'm suffering more...

Edited August 7, 2013 by LostInTheWild

[Virgil876]

Gosh, how did you guys end? I'm sitting here seething in anger right now trying not to text him hurtful, mean things. He picked the wrong day to respond...Friends? I think not. Make him feel less guilty? No. When I'm left swinging in the breeze taking on double the bills, sleeping alone, and losing my companion (for better or for worse) -- no.

 

I hope I'll have something nicer to say tomorrow. I mean I guess I'm more angry with myself because I've been wrestling with my thoughts and trying to keep him out. And my job performance has suffered because of this. That makes me even more angry (although that is the only thing I can control in life).

How did we end? Hmmm ex-girlfriend said she doesn't love me anymore and wants to end it, she also said she envisioned me "taking her away" (because I have dual citizenship) and sad because that didn't happen, but you know, reality is very different than a fairytale...

 

It is difficult though. Don't do anything stupid like sending him an angry text message!

[LostInTheWild]

I was feeling okay this morning. I woke up, drank some coffee and contemplated the text message he sent me. I'm just going to say I'm not proud of this. Today has been another setback for me. I decided to pry and ask him questions through text, of course. These messages took place over the course of my shift at work.

 

Me: "What do you think about when you think of me?"

Him: "I miss talking with you and it's really hard adjusting to you not being a part of my life at all."

Me: "I'm not sure what kind of role I'm supposed to play in your life now. It has always been a romance for me. I don't want to see you with someone else."

Him: "I'm not gonna be with anyone else...Trust that." (Can't trust you to begin with...Wait, what was her name? And the other? Oh, right...)

Me: "Do you think you've made the right choice?"

Him: "Well I'm not miserable but maybe once everything figures itself out I will be a happy person again."

Me: "Why are you confused now? You seemed sure when you left. And basically what I'm reading here is you want another chance after you work things out and figure out who you are? Am I reading that right?"

 

I was just curious to see if he had regretted his decision in leaving. The way it seemed to me at the time and to my friend was that he was feeling pretty low and felt he made a poor choice. This made me rather angry because not only did I view it the way I just explained, but I also saw this as an attempt from him to relieve some guilt which I was not feeling he deserved from me at this point in time.

 

Did he think we would be text buddies? Because he sure as hell hasn't called since he moved. I have plenty of friends I can text -- and not one of them treated me with such disrespect in all of my life. I was his doormat. Now I'm a doormat that is completely covered in s*** because I've been walked over so many times. And you know who should be feeling guilty? Me. I should be feeling guilty that I lost my self respect long ago. And I do.

 

I had told him when he moved there would be no friendship. I will not extend that courtesy to him only to hurt myself and watch him thrive, guilt-free. Nope. And I truly do not want to see him with someone else. I mean, he says he won't but I know he will because I'm saying the same dang thing right now. If Zac Efron walked by me right now...I'd be like ex whooooo?

 

So back to the texting...

 

Him: "No...I just feel like I miss our friendship."

Me: "I will miss it too. Look it's over and I can't be your friend. Please don't contact me again."

 

Okay, that was my winning moment for the day, aside from embarrassing myself at work in front of half the building because I called a chassis a chastity. But to be honest with you all and myself, it was the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to tell anyone and the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He hasn't responded and I don't think he will. I almost fell to pieces at work trying to send this. I cried in the bathroom after it was sent. I know what it means -- and I meant it.

 

Thoughts on this? I knew I should have left it alone, but still, I was curious. And now I'm back at square one. I'm miserable and he's depressed because he's feeling guilty...And he did move his car. I've yet to hear anything about my keys.

Edited August 7, 2013 by LostInTheWild