Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

I got to work today after an incredibly sleepless night. I haven't experienced this since the excitement of meeting him. A sad thought that is.

 

"Good morning, good morning, good morning..." I mustered as I walked past several coworkers. One reached out with, "Are you okay?" And I nodded. I've been in this place before. I knew what to expect this time around.

 

I dove into my work. Run report, print, sign, staple. Make labels. Respond to emails. Crunch numbers, file, crunch more numbers, pass onto accounts payable. Yay...

 

I asked my friend about the texts and the burning question in my mind. Will he come back? And I know if he did I would take him back because, well, he was that great. Really. My friend, who is usually always right about things like this could only tell me, after reading the text messages, "He might in a couple of days." Usually he has a straight answer, but this time he couldn't give me one.

 

That's not so promising. I've checked my phone all day for a funny picture or a simple greeting. This time is different from my previous breakup in that I am really mourning the loss of a good man. A person I really had nothing bad to say about even when I looked so carefully. There was nothing wrong with him.

 

There are a million things wrong with me. Or maybe I just didn't know him well enough to see his faults. I would venture to say, since it hurts this way, so badly, that I was falling in love with him. Enough to let my guard down just enough.

 

Today was a beautiful day and I spent most of it quietly working. I went outside for lunch and walked the railroad tracks while I chain smoked with my friend. The sun shined brilliantly and for the first time, I realized spring had finally arrived.

 

How beautiful it is. How sad it was. How lonely my broken heart feels. And how bitter I am now.

 

I can't forget this. I'm going to therapy tonight and I'll post back on how that goes. Hopefully I feel better after speaking with her because right now, I wish my heart would stop beating. I've been through too much.

[redbaron005]

Maybe I'll look into maybe taking a side job writing short stories.

 

Or a full time job doing this! Your writing is better than just good. You could

. Most writers incorporate their personal experiences into their stories.

 

Also I hope your days get better as your going through this. Don't let you past make you bitter, let it make you better.

 

On a side note, as a guy I would say there were a few red or yellow flags that may have been a bit off putting:

 

• You had sex with him pretty fast; then played hard to get with the tennis date? This seems like the reverse of what one might have expected.
  
• You were playing games looking for a weakness/fault with him. This would make me entirely uncomfortable. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. Keep an eye out for those intentions holding everything together, thats the important bit.
  
• Lighten up on the alcohol a tad. Not remembering things is bad. If you know you say raunchy things that have the potential to turn people off, pace your drinking.
  

Those being said, you seem like a great woman and you did a lot right. Its his loss.

[LostInTheWild]

Okay, so I met with my therapist. I told her about the good things happening in my life, which are probably the only things keeping me from self-destruction. She was very enthused. And I've never been so happy to see her. Just seeing her made me happy. Someone who will understand me. Or at least try to.

 

I talked with her about the happening. Her clinical definition of him was, "Dumbass." And she also said it seemed like he tried to place the blame on me, subtly, through text. Then she went on to explain that he should have given me more information, but it seemed like this was more of an issue he has. Plus, it also seemed like he was playing a game, something I hadn't considered before. And since I have nothing to really go on, it's not my fault. I still think it is.

 

Earlier today I removed his contact from my phone, but kept the texts. I kept them in order to show my friends and to read them to my therapist. When I left her office, I did the only thing I could do -- delete his texts. It wasn't liberating. The hope still clung to me as I swiped for the "Delete" button. Then I pressed it. I closed my eyes and hoped to hear from him again. I REALLY want to hear from him again. It IS killing me.

 

I've been drilling just about everyone for the right answer to my question. I've had two no's and four maybe's. No yes's. My bet goes to a "maybe," but that is only because I know that my ex did reach out. AND so did every guy I've dated. Every single one of them. EVERY ONE OF THEM CAME BACK. BUT, I was the "dumper," the exception being my ex, but we were together for a long time.

 

What does this mean? Why am I here? Is it Friday yet? I just need a day to rest. A day to calm myself, sleep in, clean "him" out of my apartment, and relax. Take it in. He is gone. I will remember that. I just really need to stop clinging to the hope that he will phone and apologize. And ask for my forgiveness. And be the person I thought he was. I can't kid myself. I was falling in love with him.

 

For you:

 

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'll be the one if you want me to.

Anywhere, I would have followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

And I,

Am feeling so small,

It was over my head,

I know nothing at all.

And I,

Will stumble and fall,

I'm still learning to love,

Just starting to crawl.

 

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere I would have followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

And I,

Will swallow my pride.

You're the one that I love,

And I'm saying goodbye.

 

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

And anywhere I would have followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

Say something...

 

A Great Big World - Say Something

 

...

 

I heard this at work and my knees buckled. It was on a radio in the shop and I almost fainted. I didn't know what to do, so I went into my office and googled it. And here I sit, looking at my phone, thinking, "Say something...or I'll give up on you. If you want me, I'm still here. I would go on that getaway you asked for. You're teaching me to love again and to appreciate another person. But now I feel tiny and useless. I have swallowed my pride and confessed how much I like you. I'm sorry that you didn't get that. I have to say goodbye now, I guess. I've given you an out and a pathway back to me. But this is out of my control. I will look pathetic if I chase you. Please, say something so I don't have to give up on you. Say something..."

 

And I know this will be the one guy who won't come back. The people you want to come back never do. The others you can brush off easily always do.

 

Maybe I do just want someone to be the "one" so badly I can't see what's really going on here. But that is out of character for me. I can usually tell if there's a hidden agenda. But I thought he was the one. Maybe I couldn't see any ill intentions.

 

Please, say something...

[LostInTheWild]

Or a full time job doing this! Your writing is better than just good. You could

. Most writers incorporate their personal experiences into their stories.

 

Also I hope your days get better as your going through this. Don't let you past make you bitter, let it make you better.

 

On a side note, as a guy I would say there were a few red or yellow flags that may have been a bit off putting:

 

• You had sex with him pretty fast; then played hard to get with the tennis date? This seems like the reverse of what one might have expected.
  
• You were playing games looking for a weakness/fault with him. This would make me entirely uncomfortable. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. Keep an eye out for those intentions holding everything together, thats the important bit.
  
• Lighten up on the alcohol a tad. Not remembering things is bad. If you know you say raunchy things that have the potential to turn people off, pace your drinking.
  

Those being said, you seem like a great woman and you did a lot right. Its his loss.

 

 

Thank you, Red! I really appreciate that. It makes me feel good about what I post here even if some people pass over it because it's way too long.

 

I do want to admit that drinking is my problem and a weakness. See, the issue I have with this is I haven't been drinking, but I started up again when I hung out with him. And the one time I get plastered I'm on an OTC fat burner that had me strung out like a cocaine addict. I didn't see it coming in the least bit.

 

The sex thing, well, that's debatable since he did hang around afterwards. He seemed to not have a problem with it, but alas, he is a younger man and what else am I to believe at this point? I've been taken for a short ride...

 

I think the drinking was most off-putting for him. However, I did ask him in our ending texts if that was the main reason, since I wanted a solid problem to walk away with. Also, I do have a generally bad memory when it comes to conversations sober or not -- I just can't remember, which is attributed to a coping mechanism from childhood abuse (at least that's what I like to tell myself -- it could be dementia), but nonetheless, I think that really bothered him too. He gave me nothing. He just said that I don't try to see good in some people while he does and he has a generally positive outlook on life. We don't have much in common, etc. Despite what I may write here, which are my deepest feelings, I am a pretty positive person or otherwise I'd be dead already. And I told him I would try golf with him. I didn't shut him down for having other interests, just a sarcastic groan and such in a joking way.

 

As for the tennis date, it was merely me just trying to do something with him that wouldn't be centered around eating, lying around, or having sex. Something we could both get good at and work together on. Not something I wanted to use against him, but when I realized how cold he was being, I asked my friend to do this with me instead and told him so. That was yesterday so it was appropriate.

 

And yes, sometimes I do look for faults in people. That is just something I've gotten used to doing with everyone. I wasn't treating him any differently though, but I was playing a dumb game where I wouldn't kiss him because he canceled on me on Monday. I wanted to see how long he could stand it -- ALL in a joking way. It wasn't like I sat back and watched him to see if he messed up. I should be cautious. I did meet him online and he could have been lying.

 

I don't mean to sound defensive. I just wanted to clarify that part. I'm really not a game-player. I didn't ignore his calls or texts. I didn't really do anything except drink (on substances), forget stupid things -- not the important ones, and just started being myself. The things he would have to accept me for. The things he couldn't accept me for. And that is okay, well, it will have to be now.

 

He isn't without flaw, mind you, what I SAW was great. What I heard was, "The old me would have tried to take you home already." It seemed like he was trying to do something different with me. And I knew about the other women he ditched the same way he ditched me because he told me. But he lied about his profile when I did not. I guess I heard red flags, too. They were just more serious ones and I shouldn't have thought I was special because I'm not.

 

But thank you again for reading. It must be painful for you! I do appreciate the comments and advice. It is premature of me to say I'm permanently leaving men out of my life, but I really do mean it. It affects my career when people see me so low. It affects my confidence. And it makes me question everything. I can't keep putting myself out there for this to keep happening. I do not like to feel this pain and it's been twice within a year. I am seriously done.

[LostInTheWild]

Still no word. Still looking at my phone every hour. Still hoping he'll say something to me. Each day that passes, the more I realize that hope means nothing. It feels real now.

 

I throw my phone in my purse. Head out of the office. The drive home was sunny. The back roads are amazing with farmland everywhere. It was soothing. And I understood at this point. He won't come back. I will have to find beauty in the world, alone, like I did today.

 

I stop and buy cigarettes. There is no one around to care whether or not I smoke. And I've stopped caring, too. It's an easier way out. I started smoking on my breaks at work again. If anyone asks, I have the appropriate answer -- "I don't care anymore."

 

I did wind up buying some really nice jewelry from a catalog a coworker of mine had brought in. She was sympathetic and kind to me. So she offered an evening out tomorrow with her and her friends to shop and grab a bite to eat. I obliged. Anything to get me out of this apartment.

 

She mentioned going out to a place where the guy I was dating hangs out occasionally. It was pretty funny but I think she was serious. "That's what girls do, right?" I guess so. And maybe someday I'll take her up on the offer. Once I've reached indifference and healed. Maybe then. Maybe then it will be appropriate. But not now.

 

Today was a better day. Fewer tears. But the loss is apparent and continues to take it's toll. I don't hunch over as I did previously, but I'm quiet again. And more...bitter.

 

I signed my acceptance to the new position including my wage increase. I was excited about that, but everything else overshadowed it. I know better than to allow these feelings to affect my joy in life, but it is so exhausting trying to fight it. It is a loss.

 

I want to scream. I want to cry. But I just don't have the energy anymore.

[LostInTheWild]

Tonight I went to get my hair done with my favorite stylist I thought was lost forever. I really have missed her.

 

We caught up on each other's lives. We both had heartbreaks to share. We had victories to brag about. We laughed a lot. I felt whole again.

 

I showed her the text messages. Bless this woman's heart and the most pure answer I have received since I was "dumped." I wanted to hug her because she was so honest. Not that any of my friends have been lying, but she was the most hopeful. That kind of positivity makes my heart smile. I was so touched, even if it was the most simple answer. It must have been the way she said it, because the response was so generic.

 

We were standing outside smoking while my hair processed. She stood there holding my phone, flipping through the text messages. Her eyes never looked away from the phone and she seemed warm. I swear to you all, time stood still when she looked up. The busy street turned silent and her hair blew in the wind. Mine just kind of flopped around and I got hit in the face with a bunch of foil.

 

I looked to her the same way I look to everyone for an answer.

 

"Maybe he is just afraid. He probably has feelings for you and he's afraid of that. He will probably contact you next week."

 

And I couldn't say anything else about him the rest of the night. I was speechless. Really?

 

It's funny how we can search for answers and meanings in things people say and do, but moments like these just render you unable to continue on with the sadness.

 

I found my peace in that moment. And I felt joy the rest of my time there. Then a funny thing happened -- I wasn't sad anymore. The despair vanished like a melting snowflake on the palm of my hand in the middle of a snowstorm. Looking up into the gloomy, dark, snowy sky, there was light. The snow melted away and the grass turned green again. My eyes opened.

 

This was real. A real experience. I have learned from this time with her tonight. I don't believe what she said, but I have found acceptance. I can't change how people feel. I can't turn back the clock. I can't do anything about it.

 

So I think I can let this go. I can stop searching for a reason and just let him go. I won't forget this and I still feel like I want nothing to do with men, but at least I think I can heal now.

 

I want to thank her for that. She will never know what she did for me.

[LostInTheWild]

I went out with a friend from work and had an absolute blast. She loves to shop and she got me to buy so many new things.

 

One thing I bought, besides a bracelet, was a ring. The ring is rather expensive for what it is, but I figure it is great quality. It will serve it's main, intended purpose.

 

I left the shop with the girls wearing the ring on my right-hand ring finger. I wore the bracelet on my right wrist as well. I thought about it several times because I don't wear rings.

 

The men in my life have never really bought me expensive jewelry, except for my dad. One of my exes did, however, buy me a lovely necklace I didn't appreciate at the time. I do wear it every now and then on my plain days.

 

I ate, drank, and was merry with this group tonight. I thanked my friend and coworker for inviting me out for a night. She said we should do it again soon. I told her I would. She's a great person and I'm sorry I didn't befriend her sooner.

 

We parted ways and I stopped on my way home to buy cigarettes. I looked down at my right hand. Shaking, I pulled off the jewel-encrusted ring. It looks nothing like an engagement ring. It looks nothing like a wedding ring. But I had a thought: "This will keep men away from me." So, I breathed in deeply and pushed the ring over my left-hand ring finger. It will be a symbol for me and if not for men, it will always remind me to be weary. I almost cried because I know what this will mean.

 

Looking at this ring; looking at it with all the hopes and dreams I had for myself at one point in my life, and realizing those dreams are just fairy tales told to us as children, I knew this would remind me to never expect anything. Never dream. Never hope. Never love. Never have children. Never buy a home. Never trust anyone ever again. The key to the lock. My heart is around my finger in a circle of mistrust. Something the coroner will have to remove when I die. I will only remove it when I am expected to enter water and to sleep.

 

I am married now. To myself. To my ideals. To my comfort. To MY life. And no man is allowed to come into my space again. This ring represents that for me. The one ring that cost just enough for me to have to wear it all the time. I will wear it. I won't forget to put it on. And every time I remove it, I will be reminded of this. Every time I replace it, I will remember why I bought it in the first place. Every time I look down at my hands, I will remember how much I was hurt and although the pain will dull and fade away, the memory of it will remain.

 

This is my wall I've rebuilt. It is strong. It was expensive for me. And it cannot be penetrated again.

 

...

 

It really is too early to tell, but my cycle is a few days late. I am always late and am having high expectations I will start again this weekend, but I'm kind of afraid I might be pregnant. And yes, if I do find out that I am, it is his.

 

This is just a slight fear and can be due to stress, too. It could be in my head as no real symptoms have shown up, but I was expecting this last week. I'm brushing it off now as I've already tested negative a couple of days ago. If I don't start this weekend, next week I will see a doctor because this is becoming even more stressful.

 

Usually if I have an emotional couple of days, it shows up right there with me to bring me more trouble, so I'm a bit surprised that it has stayed at bay this long. Hopefully tomorrow I can lay my fears to rest because I don't know what I would do.

[redbaron005]

a smile for someone that seems they could use one.

[LadyM]

He wasn't as perfect as you may think. You didn't have enough time with him for the flaws to come out. Still, I'm so sorry for all the hurt he has caused you.

 

Love that you bought stuff! That always helps when feeling down. I so much understand you wanting to keep men away by wearing the new ring and all the symbolism it holds. It's too scary to give of yourself again. Also love that your hairstylist was able to cheer you up. My stylist has the same affect on me like almost no one else.

 

Congratulations on the promotion. That's wonderful! I hope you have a good weekend....let us know how you're doing.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, seems like that "switch" I have works well for me. After a week of grieving, I feel pretty much the same way I did before I met him. And I'm happy to report that there are no fetuses involved.

 

I have finally come to peace with it...And thank you both for your comments. It really does help. I know he wasn't as great as I thought he was. I knew something was wrong on the day I confronted him, but I'm just sorry I didn't see it sooner. This has left me quite broken inside, but now at least I know I will be okay. I am wiser, stronger, and know better now. No more young bucks for me. They are sworn off no matter how mature they may seem.

 

So anyway, work went quite well today. I've begun my training which is quite exciting for me. I learned so much from it and I had a renewed sense of confidence in myself which I haven't felt in a REALLY long time. I felt comfortable and capable. And I feel that the person training me was surprised at how easy this will be. I hope the job isn't TOO easy, actually, but the pay is nothing for someone my age to sneeze at, so hopefully boredom doesn't rear it's ugly head for at least a year and a half. I have another chance to prove myself. Another chance to be seen as smart and driven. Another chance to make a new beginning for myself and I relish in that idea.

 

I still wear my ring. It still has meaning to me. I look down at it, play with it, and ponder my future frequently. Alienation. That's what I'm starting to think of when it comes to this ring. It feels good knowing that I've chosen this path. Maybe I can work on myself, as it seems I really need to.

 

But what would this thread be without a little bit of entertainment? Should I lay down and take defeat? Looking back on that little fling I had, he wasn't that great looking. He was a blond...and I usually go for dark hair and dark eyes...What a quirky, awkward laugh he had. It made my hair stand up. And he kissed me after he ate chocolate covered pretzels...do any of you know what that's like? Ew. Okay, maybe I'm grasping for straws here, but the biggie I can point out is at the end, I knew he was lying about something. I was too. He didn't know I smoked. I can admit my faults...Apparently he thought he didn't have any. Whatever...I can shrug it off now. This will be my last post about him.

 

I took the box of memories of you outside. The wind whipped and roared about fiercely. In that box, I also placed the few, chipped pieces of my cold, porcelain heart you broke. I pulled out the lighter fluid and the matches. Everything burned and melted. It was a roaring inferno that lit up quickly and died down just as fast. After the smoke subsided, I could breathe the fresh air in again. I could think clearly. And it wasn't you that I wanted anymore. I tilted my head, eyes black and hardened, staring off into the distance. Then I turned and walked away from the debris. If you hadn't done it, I would have.

 

-The Day My Feelings For You Died

 

So, we all know how I said I was done with dating. And I'm not. I mean, but I'm not. I need male attention. This is my way of staying off the stripper pole (just a joke, I just didn't get enough hugs growing up). This really is starting to turn into, "Flavor of the Week," isn't it?

 

I bit the bullet and decided to reach out using my cell phone, so off back into the dating world I went. Lying comfortably under my blankies, I received a few messages from an older guy asking me about how tall I am. I responded. He thought I was 6' tall! Wow, I must have a huge personality because I'm a few ticks away from being classified as a midget. After a short chit chat we exchanged numbers and before I knew it I had a jock sitting in front of me last night in a coffee shop.

 

I'm just playing a game now. I wore my ring to see if he'd notice it. Of course, the symbolism is only meant for me because he didn't see it. We hit it off okay, but there are some problems I'm having here. One, at the risk of being bashed, I admit that I'm an atheist. And he is not. He goes to church every Sunday and wants his someone to do the same. He is a nonsmoker, and I am a smoker. He is from the country and I am from the city. I did bad things kids do growing up, and I made his "bad" stories seem like child's play. Even still, he seemed okay with knowing all of that. I'm okay with knowing. But I cannot stand for someone to try to convert me to faith. That would drive me up the wall.

 

We decided to meet again on Friday. This should be fun. That is how I will view everything and remain unattached. Stay tuned...

[LadyM]

You're back in the saddle again! Love hearing of your romantic antics. I can live the dating game vicariously though you. Do let us know how Friday goes. And so glad you're feeling better about this last fella. Next!

[LostInTheWild]

After a quite exasperating morning at work, I was fired up and in a terrible mood. I wanted to punch my coworker, but hey, what else is new? The woman drives me clear up the wall.

 

I walked in my friend's office to have a chat. I've been carrying my phone around with me just in case the new guy texts or I receive a notification of a new interest.

 

I'm in the middle of a b*tch session, arms flailing around, then my butt vibrates. "ZZZ, ZZZ." I think, "Oh, great. Now what?" I reach for my phone in a fit of anger and whip it out.

 

Him: Hey ****! I know you're in a relationship and everything and I don't wanna mess with that, but I kinda need your expertise on something. If you don't wanna talk, it's all right, just lemme know so I don't blow up your phone from no response or whatever.

 

OH WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM NOW? I didn't even think about it. I knew what to say. "TAP, TAP, TAP..."

 

Me: Actually I'm not. And if you need girl advice I'm not it.

 

Him: No it's not that, I wouldn't do that! Am I bothering you?

 

Me: No what is the problem?

 

Him: I'm in a safety training meeting at the moment, is it ok if I text you after work?

 

Me: That is fine. Have a nice day at work.

 

Him: Thanks, you too!

 

I went and got a facial. Then I went to the grocery store. Then I went to my parent's house to bake a pie for work. All the while, no text. AND I was becoming increasingly curious and it infuriated me.

 

Me: So what did you need help with?

 

Him: I got an answer, sorry I shoulda text ya and let ya know. It was about taking on extra stuff to try and get a promotion and what lengths are going beyond (investing money towards the cause) if it doesn't happen. That type of thing.

 

Him: But what do you think, knowing my job. Would it be worth the effort to learn spreadsheets and whatever else is involved, on my own, to do parts inventory?

 

My heart sang. For once someone delivered a message I actually wanted them to. He somehow (probably our mutual friend or my cousin) found out about me getting promoted. I was making a pie. And I wanted to smash it in his face. While he wasn't there for me to do this, I verbally did it. Toot, toot, here comes the "**** you" train.

 

Me: Yeah and I'd tell you I could teach you, because that's what I've been doing with literature (more responsibilities), but I can't really do that unless you ask the right questions. I learned excel inside and out, which is why I got promoted again.

 

Me: Plus I know the product. Now I will be planning powered and manual production schedules. It's nice.

 

Me: It would be worth it if you want a promotion. Reach for the stars and you might catch one!

 

I laughed as I typed this. I laughed when he replied.

 

Him: You go girl! Good for you, I'm glad that things lined up for you so well. You worked your ass off for that and honestly it's paid off because I never hear of anyone who made their way like you have. It makes me wanna do more but my company is just getting worse, they would probably give me the responsibility I want but no raise.

 

Hear comes the gravy train!!! TOOT TOOT!!!!!!!

 

Me: Yeah, a good company is hard to find. When the position came open all the managers asked me if I was going for it. So I did. I haven't been in my current position for a year yet. And I think they're happy with their choice. Being well liked helps. Sorry your company sucks. Hope it gets better.

 

BARRRRRRRRRR.....BARRRRRRR....CHOOGA, CHOOOGA, BARRRRRR....

 

So, the conversation ended about 15 minutes ago. He hasn't responded and I don't expect to hear from him again. I thought it was funny he would send me something like that so he could just talk to me. I wonder what plagues him now? I always told him to move on, find a better job because they're out there! I found a great place to work.

 

This is also funny because when we were together...not once in those three years did he ask me for my opinion about a damn thing. So, he got it this time -- me, ME, ME, ME! I RULE! You lost out buddy. Next...

[LostInTheWild]

And finally, the new guy. We are still on for Friday. We talked on the phone for about two hours last night. He seems like a really great guy, besides the fact that I can't really tell him I "hate" someone without him saying, "No you don't."

 

Well, I'm not a child and when someone has the power to screw around with me for two years and I get fed up, I'm sorry, but there is no way in hell I will like the person. I, as an adult, am fully able to define what hate feels like within myself. And I only hate one person -- my coworker. That is okay! I can feel these feelings because they're mine! Hmm, that may have turned him off a bit more, but I'm just letting it all hang out. If someone is going to like me, or love me, I'm getting to a point in life where they're just going to have to accept my flaws or move on. Tough titty.

 

And yet, he is still lingering around. He asked me about my relationship history, which I felt pressed for, so I gave him the shortened version. He gave me the extended version I really didn't care to hear. But it was so great hearing how...he was so not religious in so many ways (of course he'd never say it). But I found out he is dating someone else that he's not too crazy about. I'm glad he told me. He told me the REAL reason is because he's just not attracted to her and she's too nice. Sounds kind of like me being too nice until I became mean and bitter. So, the game plan for me is: shop in the morning on Friday, get a super nice outfit, take three-four hours getting ready and knock his socks off. I will look like I walked out of a magazine (if I don't turn him off so much to the point where he's like, "Yeah, it was nice knowing you,").

 

We talked on the phone tonight for a brief period. We were both tired so it didn't get very far. I told him I'd call him later, but I think he passed out. Oh well.

 

I am speaking to a few other guys but none of them are interesting enough. There is another single dad I'm kind of liking but...I don't think I really want to go down that road again. I'm undecided. He wants to meet me and I just might if he's off on Friday. I could meet him for a drink then drive off into the night for another date. Why not? If men can do it, why can't we?

 

Oh, and as for my ex, I added him as a contact. It's quite funny seeing "A--hole" pop up every time I get a message now.

Edited April 17, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LadyM]

Did hearing from your ex bring back feelings for him?

[LostInTheWild]

Lady, no, the only feelings I got were of irritation and longing. I long for him to want me back and for us to be a couple again because life just seems so...dull without him. It's like I meet someone new to date, I'm all for it, and then when that ends I'm always reminded that the only person who understood me is now gone from my life, making special appearances when he pleases. I never get the acceptance I crave...just by being myself...no man will have that. I'm expected to act and be a certain way because of my appearance, well, if that's the case I'll be single until I die.

 

I found out that he must have gotten information about me from my family as my friend said nothing to him. So now, I know that because he won't leave my family out of the equation, I can't tell my parents anything because it just travels down the grapevine and into his ear. After speaking with my friend, I also found out he had asked her the same question on the same day around the same time, except she didn't get the explanation about the job thing. I'm guessing he thought I would eventually tell her about it and he wanted her to have something to tell me as a cover, because in reality, this is out of character for him. I know it...she knows it.

 

I went on the date on Friday and it was a lot of fun. We went out to eat, went back to his place and drank a little bit, then we went out for a night on the town. We danced, kissed, and got tipsy. I eventually wound up crashing at his place because he didn't want me to drive home so late and still having alcohol in my system. Nothing happened. Then I woke up in the morning and left.

 

Yesterday, after I got home I texted him and told him I made it home safely. "Awesome," was his response and I hadn't heard from him the rest of the day. Then this morning, "Happy Easter." A couple of well-paced texts later and I could tell that either he is really busy or he has lost interest. "Haha, okay, well enjoy the day!" I blocked him from my dating account and deleted his contact information.

 

I'm getting good at this. Knowing when to back out and leave it all behind. It's funny because I wouldn't have done this a couple of years ago. I would have chased, conquered, and paid dearly for forcing someone to stick around. That is the difference between yesterday and tomorrow. Men know how to reach me should they want to. I'm happy for the affection he provided me with just to make me feel alive and whole again, but it isn't the only source of sustenance. That's what I still have to learn.

 

Anyway, laughing with my friend while playing tennis today made me happy. My date was still in the back of my mind and I wondered if I would hear from him. I missed so many shots and hit so many shots out of the court. Tennis is a new hobby for me and I enjoy it because no matter what mood I'm in there is always laughter. Always. And standing in the sun makes me feel alive and whole, just as if I were in someone's arms...someone who actually cared to know me, someone who loved me.

 

It's always sad for me to say goodbye, but like I said, I'm getting good at it. If he contacts me again, I will be nice and play along, but I don't think I will put myself in a situation to care. I don't care now. But it IS sad. And I don't think he will contact me again. I would be surprised if he did.

 

Oh well...next...

 

Happy Easter...

[LostInTheWild]

Today was an okay kind of day. After tennis, I went to my parent's house. This is something I really don't write about or like to talk about. Even in therapy when I'm asked about my family I usually shudder at the thought and give one-worded answers when necessary. Something else I really don't like to talk about is regret. I have so, so much regret for not being closer to my parents. And having a hostile attitude towards them.

 

They frustrate me by trying to shove something into my arms as I'm leaving that usually sits in my car for two months until I decide I'm tired of looking at it and find a place to store it in my home. I never use what they give me and since I've realized this, I have begun declining anything they offer me now. This usually leads to more frustration as their attempts to bribe me into taking said items just makes me angry. I said, "NO," didn't I? Can I not think for myself? Even when I tell you I really have no room for that or that I won't use it, you still try to give this to me? STOP. If I take a friend over, the persistence ensues. Would you like a drink? Are you sure? We have this, this, and that. Want ice with that? Hey, ****, please get that for them. Are you sure? Sit here. We have no table now. This is a great spot to sit. Are you sure you want to sit on the couch? ARE YOU SURE? I think you should sit here. FINE! I WILL SIT THERE!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

 

I get it. They're being nice. But there is so much a person can take! One answer, one time, should be enough...especially when it comes to their daughter who, they know, will ask for something when she needs it. It drives me insane. When I get there...Do you want something to eat? Have you eaten? When? What did you eat? Are you sure? Are you sure? My god. No wonder I have so many people-pleasing insecurities. My bitterness towards the world actually probably stems from my resentment of having this hospitality engrained in me. At work, I find myself writing in emails, "If you find any errors, please let me know, and I will correct them!" **CRINGE** Please, please like me! Are you sure??

 

And now that they're getting older, they really have nothing much to talk about. They just ask me probing questions I feel are too personal. Are you seeing anyone? How is school? How is work? Where did you get those jeans? Why? A quick, creepy lean-in from my mom today squinting at my new ring made me recoil. What is going on here? My parents just get weirder and weirder as the years wear on.

 

Again, I get it. They're taking an interest in my life. My dad says I never spend time with them. When I attempt to it's either all about them moving, someone having problems in the family, or them forcing me to provide answers on things I really don't want to talk about. I'm rather private. The people who know the most about me are the people I see every day, my friends. And how can I tell my dad that I just don't find them interesting now? Not enough to linger for 3-4 hours, standing around, drinking some water. It's not like we go out to eat or actually do anything. I'm always confined to their house. It's boring for me.

 

My dad is up there in age. My mom is rather unhealthy...she doesn't take care of herself. I could lose either one of them at any moment and my biggest regret is how I feel now...what I'm writing here tonight. These are deep, dark feelings. I am angry that I feel this way and no matter what I say to them, it won't change. "Would you like to eat out?" is usually followed with, "No. We don't really want to go out. Your dad doesn't like to." The only times I can remember really doing something with my mom is when she looked for houses. That is usually it. With my dad, it's usually yard work or cleaning my car. That's it. He did ask me to go to D.C. Memorial Day weekend, but god, really? I can't. I don't want to go on a motorcycle trip that far away. I never liked it and it doesn't interest me.

 

I wish there was a way to connect to them. I wish I felt more comfortable around them but they also tell everyone in my family everything they learn about me. So I've stopped telling them things. I hate feeling like I have to guard myself around people I'm supposed to trust. I hate feeling like they're strangers because I can't tell them anything. I have repeatedly asked them not to spread things. I've repeatedly asked them to not do a lot of things and yet they continue to. My response is to shut down. Give up. Go there to visit for a half hour to an hour and leave. I visit them once or twice a week.

 

What I want more than anything is just to walk in and have the normalcy I once had with them. Not this deteriorating relationship that will leave me riddled with guilt should something happen to one of them. The problem is I just don't know how to get over my anger with them. I don't even know why I'm angry at them. Maybe it's because they're moving? Maybe it's because my ex was a huge role in my life and that hollow void just follows me there...like they've lost a son? Maybe I resent them for actually putting the pressure on me to repair the relationship...after all he did. And they knew about it, too. Maybe I'm angry because I can't trust them. I can't cry in front of them. I'm no longer their little girl. Just a stranger that shows up on their doorstep, weak and tired from living, unhappy and cold, unpleasant and unwelcoming, sad and alone.

 

I love them. If something happens, it will ruin me. They are the only two people who love me like nobody else will. So where do these feelings come from? They did the best they could. I did have an abusive childhood with them both. There were separations. I was fostered. They got back together. And most of my memories of them are negative. I want to work this out in therapy. I want them to know I love them and I want to be able to SHOW them, but it's so difficult. My therapist tells me it will take time. How much time? When will it click in my head that I can't harbor negative feelings? How can I communicate this to my parents? Before it's too late for me or for them? We are all on a schedule here, so yeah, I'm worried about it.

[redbaron005]

Memorial day weekend here in DC is lots of fun and is something I would highly recommend. It was really nice of your dad to invite you, I'm sure it would mean a lot to him if you went.

 

Well this post hit a cord. After 8 years of being private with my parents, and hiding my parents from others I realized its not worth it. If you want a stronger relationship with them, you are going to have to open up and be vulnerable. Its going to be uncomfortable, however it is so much better once you get back into sharing things with them. Trust me, these are the things that matter.

[LostInTheWild]

I also reached out to a lot of men recently on this dating service.

 

"Happy Easter! How's the day?"

 

Copy and paste. Copy and paste. It's all about numbers. I have to let them know I exist. And they won't know this comes from desperation to replace the last guy. I always have to have a man around. But I never tell anyone this. I don't think anyone knows.

 

Most men don't contact me. So I decided to try this today.

 

When connections are made and they fall flat, I weed them out, block them, and move on to the new ones. Nightfall has arrived. Work is in the works for most folks in the morning. I change my approach.

 

"Hey there! How was your Easter?"

 

Copy and paste. Copy and paste. A few responses. One guy has three kids. Next. One guy can't spell. Next. One guy is dry enough for my taste and "laughs" at my jokes. He can stick around. Next guy..."You're sexy." I say, "Thank you! I like your hair." Next. Whoops...forgot to block that guy!

 

This is exhausting. Who in their right mind would want to be doing this all the time? It's a full-time job!

 

I seriously consider giving up on it. For a minute. Then my phone lights up. Another match who says nothing. Maybe I should just start opening up with, "Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?" (Actually, I should insert a "mad" face in there along with it. Might make it funnier.).

 

This should be easier, at least in my mind. One more week. Then I give up completely and just focus on working, belly dance, tennis, and repairing things with my parents.

 

It won't be out of bitterness this time. Just pure exhaustion. I guess if I just keep my head up, find confidence, and continue to live my life the way I have been, then some day I'll meet someone who is right for me, when I'm not looking. There are so many things I fight, so many things I won't just let happen, so many things I simply cannot and will not accept.

 

I'm going to have to bite the bullet here and accept this. I may be alone for a while, but hopefully not forever. And if I meet someone in person, I'll be able to gauge his true interest by the way I'm pursued. It is my dream to have someone pursue me until I break. Maybe I should let that happen. But I need to turn off my bitch mode when I'm in public.

[LadyM]

Regarding your parents, I struggle with a very similar situation. Knowing that they are the two people who will ever love me most in the world and considering the endless guilt I'd feel if something happened to them, I knew I had to come up with strategies to cope and make sure they feel loved by me.

 

When I'm feeling so low and don't feel much like talking, I'll play cards or any game with mom. Requires little talking. Or, I move the conversation toward them -- they love to talk about the old days, growing up years, their friends, family, dating, marriage, experiences, etc. Ask them questions. One thing I did today was using the computer with mom and helped her shop online. Again, no time for probing questions of me. Another thing I'll do is bring over pizza or Chinese food and share a meal without having to go out.

 

And during my worst times with my last break-up, I'd reach out to mom and receive the most splendid, wisest, understanding responses. They really have so much to give and want to feel wanted and needed. It's often a challenge, but I know if I don't try hard, I'll never be able to live with myself in the future.

[LostInTheWild]

I wanted to write something really fast. I have no choice in the matter. But then I have to hurry off to my dance lesson. I don't want to go. But I will. Just to tell myself that I have a life. Just to pretend I'm brave. Just to pretend that everything is real. Just to try to feel alive again. In some way.

 

My day at work started off just like any other day would. Normal. Getting a lot of things done. Then my coworker started and I almost exploded. Almost. I almost unleashed every feeling I've ever felt on her. She is lucky today. If she starts with me tomorrow, I can't guarantee I will keep my mouth shut this time.

 

If there ever was a terrible day in my life I can reflect on, it would be this day. This day is from hell. I can feel the fire burning inside of me. It hurts, but it feels normal to me now. I've been through the wringer. I have been through an ice storm. I have been through a grinder. I have been walked all over, stepped on, and shot at. This is me all chewed up and spit out tonight.

 

And patience, my patience is wearing thin. I AM WORN THIN. I AM GOING TO BLOW UP AND IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY. THIS IS THE COPING THREAD, RIGHT? I AM NOT COPING. If this ****ing dating app doesn't stop sending me notifications, I'm throwing the ****er out the window. **** THIS! **** IT, **** IT, **** IT, ****!!!!!!

 

**** THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LostInTheWild]

Okay, I'm calmer. I just had to get that out of my system.

 

I have several things to write about this evening. My thoughts, my feelings, my actions, and the circumstances.

 

Tonight will be long for me. I have tons to say. But I also have obligations to keep. And drinks to down. Many, many drinks to keep my sanity hanging from a thread when it is barely there now.

 

I don't think I will sleep tonight. It seems like a bad idea at this hour. In my mental state. I know I won't be able to get up for work tomorrow if I sleep. So I've decided to write all night long.

 

Be prepared, readers, this is going to be a long night. After I post these things, I will reread everything, correct it, and send it off for someone else to read. If you all think this is good, then maybe someone else will too. Maybe I can be an author because frankly, this is the only thing I have enough passion left to do. Everything else within me is gone. It seems the box of memories I set afire, contained pieces of my heart that are still very much needed -- to cope.

[redbaron005]

Maybe I can be an author...

 

Yay! . This will surely ignite other passions in your life that will bring you joy!

[LostInTheWild]

The titles of my postings may seem weird, but I assure you, they will come together to form a finale worth reading about. Maybe it's been said before on these forums. Maybe it hasn't. Not like this...

 

When my parents first found out they were pregnant with me, I wonder if they even thought about my choice. Would I want to be born?

 

I wonder if I was a mistake sometimes. Growing up, my mother sure treated me as if I was. She always pushed me away when I wanted her affections. My first real memory of her was when she accidentally burned me with a cigarette trying to shoo me away. I don't really feel anything about that memory. It's just the first real memory I have of her, among others, and I know I was at least 4 or 5 years of age.

 

Do people think about this when they have sex? Only to later make a child that is an extension of themselves that they think will grow, mature, and act the way they see fit? Sex is big in my world these days, and yet I've only been pregnant once. I was 18 going on 19, still the life of the party, still undecided, always knowing there was a life inside of me.

 

It grew. It made me hungry. It made me think about the choices I made, even though I was so irrational. I had a job, I missed a day, and they fired me. I drove around in my newly-leased car, picturing a baby in the back seat crying for me, "Mommy!!!"

 

I still hear that voice I made up inside of my head to this day whenever I think about it. My mom drove me to the clinic. My parents paid for everything. The father was nowhere to be found. "Okay, you are 11 weeks pregnant," the operator announced as she glossed over my belly with her wand. I remember the heartbeat.

 

For a moment, I thought to myself, "Keep it. It is probably the child of the man you are truly in love with." This is the only memory that haunts me. I could have had my ex's child, but because I slept around, I would never know. My intuition is pretty powerful at times. This was a defining moment for my life. I decided to abort my child...knowing that there was a strong possibility of it being my ex's. I almost changed my mind based on this alone, but I knew better...it wasn't his.

 

I met another guy through my new job. He showed me things that other men have never showed me. He was older...he was wiser...he was kinder. He was the kind of man that bought me a necklace I still wear sometimes up until this day, for Christmas. Just because. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but when I wear it now, I am reminded of all the good things, the good intentions, men can have.

 

The only problem was, he was still hung up on his ex. I helped him through, but in the process I became exhausted, and bitter. We moved in together. I lost my job. He supported us while I stayed home. For one year. During this time, I had tried to become pregnant because I wanted a family with him. We tried and tried. It never happened.

 

The apartment complex decided to raise the rent on us, so we moved into my parent's home, where he quickly began sleeping in the basement, further away each time. I reached true adulthood and I was able to party, while he was ready to settle down. And we drifted apart.

 

There are so many things I am grateful for. I am grateful I didn't have any children. At any point. I am grateful that we didn't last, because he was a "gamer," and I wanted someone who wanted to do things with me during the day. He didn't want that. It was like pulling teeth.

 

One day, at my cousin's home, at the age of 22, I asked, "What happened to ****?"

 

My current ex...who I found out was in jail. I began writing him. The I went to visit him. Then I waited for a year, faithfully, for him.

 

He got out. We had sex.

Edited April 23, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

I remember what it was like to be pregnant. All of my choices revolved around what was best for me...and what was best for my baby. I thought I would have kept it. I wasn't sure, but I saw how my other friend's lives had turned out and I wanted to be nothing like them. I'm still not like them. I'm older, wiser, more educated, and more...alone than they are. It's not like I wish I had collected baggage throughout the years like they have. I just grew up watching love stories and thinking prince charming would sweep me off my feet. And he did.

 

My ex and I had so much love for each other, at first, but today I think it was more out of appreciation and thankfulness. I had helped him through his darkest hour(s).

 

It's so hard to not feel like I was taken advantage of, now. I wish I could reach out and tell him that, but I can't. Not now. Not ever. He is gone and he is his own person now.

 

Towards the end of our relationship, in a desperate attempt to keep the ship from sinking, I tried to become pregnant. He willingly obliged. We tried and tried. It never happened.

 

I am now left with the belief that I will never become pregnant. I will never have children because my body is broken in some way. I somehow ruined it by either having the abortion or otherwise, but I can't have children.

 

There are two men in my life that inspired me to want to procreate. And neither of them are around today. During those relationships, boy, did I ever want children. I wanted them badly. Yet, sitting here alone, I realize those were not the brightest of ideas.

 

My mother was 25 when she had me. Now I watch my parents age and I'm almost 27. I have nothing to show for it really except for a job and a place to live, courtesy of my parents. I'm not living on a timeline, though. I'm just gauging my fertility as the years wear on, and my inability to connect to anyone. To anyone. What I wouldn't give to have a man inspire me once again to want. To want marriage and children. To have a home, warm, fresh, and clean. To have love surrounding me. And I want my parents to live to see me thrive. That is one of the reasons I try so hard. Too hard.

 

I want my parents to know, with their last breath, that I am loved and safe and warm at home. I will be okay with their passing. But the years are closing in on me, and it seems that just won't be true anymore.

 

I want to feel my father's hand on my growing belly, to know this is an extension of himself. A life he created with me and will continue with his grandchild. I want to see my mother excited, happy to be a grandmother, content, relaxed, and knowing I will face what she did.

 

I want to be inspired to create, to teach, to learn, and to grow. I can find that within myself, I've learned, but I have no one to share that with. I am lonely at night. My apartment shows that.

 

A T-shirt thrown here, dishes there, water bottles here and there, and beer bottles. Perfume, candy, panties, and hair products. I have not grown up. I am here looking in on myself, thinking I have grown, when I really have stayed the same. And no man wants an immature woman.

[skydiveaddict]

 

It's so hard to not feel like I was taken advantage of, now. I wish I could reach out and tell him that, but I can't. Not now. Not ever. He is gone and he is his own person now.

 

 

I can understand, it don't break even But you will be ok.

Edited April 23, 2014 by skydiveaddict