Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

I woke up early this morning. Before the alarm would had even called me to work should I have had to go in. I watched a movie then dozed back off to sleep. The sun shone brightly through my blinds. It was quiet. And hard to withstand. The longing has returned. The memories are strong and cloying. He was all I could think about. He was what I wanted to see while I tossed and turned. I miss him.

 

I fell asleep. Hard. With my old demons chasing me. I thought of the European. My ex. All the guys I've dated. Everything.

 

Out of all of them there was one that stood out in particular. One never mentioned. I had only been on a couple of dates with him while I was still seeing my ex. But it was so far gone at that point, I had just wanted to see what it was like to be treated with respect. And he did. I had met him through work when I first started. And today, we still get along.

 

I can't remember how the dream started exactly. But we were running. So fast, almost falling off a cliff. And he was there. I was ahead of him. Somehow I managed to fall. I remember the dried ground rapidly approaching me. I thought I would die when he threw some sort of contraption down to save me. I caught it. I held on. I didn't want to die.

 

Then he was beside me. We began climbing filing cabinets and old bookcases. Weird, I know. I don't remember the sex, but I wound up getting pregnant! I moved through time to find myself six months pregnant. I was still attempting to get out from where I was with this guy. It was crazy. Then it turned into levels while trying to escape. Somehow I met up with my mom. I had to tell the guy I was pregnant. It was a mess. But the filing cabinets and bookshelves were in perfect order.

 

Dream analysis: I'm afraid of letting something private to be known. I'm in a creative mood. A project should come to fruition. Maybe I haven't chosen the right career path. But everything points to the bright side. Just a terrible fear of emotions holding me back.

 

I wretched myself out of that.

 

I got up and laid in the sun. I listened to music that took me to another place. The clouds above me moved so quickly. Before I knew it I was outside for two hours. I have a tan now. I didn't want one, but yesterday my friend convinced me to swim and lay out. Today, I figured I need a bit more to seal the deal. So I did. It was relaxing.

 

Later, I had to buy new foundation because my old stuff wouldn't match my new color. And I ran, halfheartedly.

 

I feel too much now. I have shut down. I keep it to myself. And hide. I hide in the woods where trees are green now, more welcoming, less cold, more beautiful. There's more shade and life has returned. But uncertainty lies everywhere. I'm powerless. I look to the left and peer through the branches. Everything I want is here. Momentarily. I look to the right and smell the wild flowers, holding the soil tightly. But there is only me getting ripped up and torn apart.

 

I'm scared. But I'm putting on my brave face. Ready for the challenge. It's here. I just don't know what challenge I'll face yet.

[LostInTheWild]

I hear what you are saying. I hope my last comment of taking things for granted didnt come across the wrong way, I was just stating what I observed out of mine. You had every right to walk out of that relationship, you didnt have the same issues I did

 

I didn't. I'm unique in that situation. It was really loving and abusive. I don't miss it. Sometimes though, I do miss him. But he killed all feeling and it's easy now to remind myself of how to forget him.

[mattny]

I didn't. I'm unique in that situation. It was really loving and abusive. I don't miss it. Sometimes though, I do miss him. But he killed all feeling and it's easy now to remind myself of how to forget him.

 

Killing feeling as in trying to feel for the new relationship or in the old one altogether?

 

Some crazy dreams you have there...but something tells me you still dont feel happy with yourself. You seem to long for him too much, and its only natural. I gave my ex the ride of her life in the sack, Im a great kisser (something I pride myself on) and God blessed me 'down there', and she caught longing feelings for me after 2 months. We both agreed to keep it a fling but it was so much better than my current gf at that time, plus she lived literally 2 minutes from my house....so the positives were there. She came crying to me one night asking me to make the decision; either we stop seeing each other, or we go all in and commit to a relationship, as she caught feelings hard for me; In or out of the sack I treated her with respect and how a gentleman should.

 

I dont know how I would react if I were in your shoes. Ive changed my views as I mentioned before, I dont know if I would have slept with him so soon. Im not the guy to go out and go for a fling and leave some girl wondering what happened the next day. Id rather spend some time getting to know the person before engaging in bedroom activities, and if things dont click, I walk. Ive started finding more joy in life and hanging out with my friends again, and I think thats more important than going out and trying to bed a woman. But I guess Im the odd one in the male population? Might explain the friendzoning I get half the time lol..

[LostInTheWild]

Killing feeling as in trying to feel for the new relationship or in the old one altogether?

 

Some crazy dreams you have there...but something tells me you still dont feel happy with yourself. You seem to long for him too much, and its only natural. I gave my ex the ride of her life in the sack, Im a great kisser (something I pride myself on) and God blessed me 'down there', and she caught longing feelings for me after 2 months. We both agreed to keep it a fling but it was so much better than my current gf at that time, plus she lived literally 2 minutes from my house....so the positives were there. She came crying to me one night asking me to make the decision; either we stop seeing each other, or we go all in and commit to a relationship, as she caught feelings hard for me; In or out of the sack I treated her with respect and how a gentleman should.

 

I dont know how I would react if I were in your shoes. Ive changed my views as I mentioned before, I dont know if I would have slept with him so soon. Im not the guy to go out and go for a fling and leave some girl wondering what happened the next day. Id rather spend some time getting to know the person before engaging in bedroom activities, and if things dont click, I walk. Ive started finding more joy in life and hanging out with my friends again, and I think thats more important than going out and trying to bed a woman. But I guess Im the odd one in the male population? Might explain the friendzoning I get half the time lol..

 

Well, Matt, the only thing I can do it keep it cool. Which I have been. I hardly talk about him or my feelings. And I hardly talk to him anyhow. So there isn't much else I can do.

 

I don't think I've fallen too hard or long for him too much. It's the distance factor and lack of communication I find to be most irritating. Surprisingly, despite what I write here, my expectations are rather low. What I want to happen and what is reality are two different things, so I'm not really all that delusional. It would be nice if my fantasies turned into reality, but they probably won't.

 

You frequently mention how I shouldn't have slept with him so soon. I actually don't follow rules; most men still want me after the fact. Statistically speaking, in my world, sex doesn't ruin things. It's all based on what the man is after, casual sex or a relationship. And then how well we click thereafter. I'd venture to say I'm more like a man in this regard, pulling away after sex or after finding he's not what I want. It's easy. Rarely does a man being me to the point I'm at now, which intrigues me and piques my curiosity in a whole new way.

[mattny]

You make some valid points.....I guess just keep that happy face on you never know who might walk into your life...and it might work out for the best!

 

Its crazy how society has changed us these days. Its more important to have sex with someone first amd determine a relationship off that, when we all know that initial lust wears off. We've had social media thrown in our faces, always something new to feed our brains and its no wonder why relationships are so hard pressed to stay together....people get bored and want something new. People just dont want to put the effort in.

[LostInTheWild]

Haha, we can go back and forth all day on this, but I am not that jaded about relationships anymore. They are what they are and they will last as long as they last; all relationships end at some point or another whether you want it to or not (death).

 

I don't really think it's best to judge those who wait to have sex versus those who don't. Life takes over, lust takes over, and it either works out or it doesn't. People don't normally plan on it; it just happens. It's not like I went out on a date thinking, "Man, the first thing I want to do is get this guy in bed. Wow. That is my mission in life. To get this one guy...Awesome."

 

Attraction must exist for any kind of relationship to be cultivated. And, for me, size matters, as shallow as it may sound and after having a horrific experience where I just tried but couldn't. "Sex isn't everything..." but hey, "It sure does matter." I'd rather know sooner than later what I'm working with. Just like...I wouldn't marry a guy I hadn't bedded nor would I be in a relationship with someone I haven't seen...It doesn't work that way for me.

 

And now I can HEAR the eyerolling..."Yep, that's why her life is like that." Maybe so, but one day I'll meet someone who likes my personality, my body, and accepts me for who I am. And that is when a true relationship is formed with unconditional love - not lust.

[mattny]

Haha, we can go back and forth all day on this, but I am not that jaded about relationships anymore. They are what they are and they will last as long as they last; all relationships end at some point or another whether you want it to or not (death).

 

I don't really think it's best to judge those who wait to have sex versus those who don't. Life takes over, lust takes over, and it either works out or it doesn't. People don't normally plan on it; it just happens. It's not like I went out on a date thinking, "Man, the first thing I want to do is get this guy in bed. Wow. That is my mission in life. To get this one guy...Awesome."

 

Attraction must exist for any kind of relationship to be cultivated. And, for me, size matters, as shallow as it may sound and after having a horrific experience where I just tried but couldn't. "Sex isn't everything..." but hey, "It sure does matter." I'd rather know sooner than later what I'm working with. Just like...I wouldn't marry a guy I hadn't bedded nor would I be in a relationship with someone I haven't seen...It doesn't work that way for me.

 

And now I can HEAR the eyerolling..."Yep, that's why her life is like that." Maybe so, but one day I'll meet someone who likes my personality, my body, and accepts me for who I am. And that is when a true relationship is formed with unconditional love - not lust.

 

No eyes rolling here. You make great points...i always like to know what im working with too! There have been a few who just fell really short of expectations (oddly enough she had slept with a lot of guys...youd think shed be a pro at it lol), and then there were ones like my ex with one serious 5 yr relationship and one hookup before me (who she coined the term 'needled!ck' lol), who completely blew my mind in the sack lmao. So yes it indeed does matter...would you want to spend your whole life with someone who bland in the sheets? Hell no!

 

Also im not trying to argue it, just making conversation. Day is dragging here at work LOL

 

But it is what it is. Who knows, I might meet someone who just turns me on to the point i revert back to my old ways and make me want to have her right then and there. Lifes a mystery

[LostInTheWild]

Well, The European and I had some text conversations back and forth, but he is so difficult to understand through text messages. I can't tell if I'm bothering him, which doesn't seem to be the case because his responses are wordy and long; I can't tell if he is interested or not, but he always asks questions; I can't tell if he is busy or not, but it would seem he is too busy for me and that is making one hell of a statement.

 

Last night, I had told him about my weekend and asked if he was going to plan that party. I didn't hear from him. He left me hanging...again. I hate that...Okay, I really hate that. I don't like it when my mom does it. I don't like it when my friends do it. I don't like it when ANYONE does that to me. If you're taking a dump, then you have a free moment to shoot off a few virtual letters letting me know you're still alive (OR respond to a question).

 

Before lunch today, I received a text...from him. I smiled a half smile before I looked at my phone. I knew it was him. He apologized for not responding and said he went into a "food coma," he asked about my tan (from swimming -- I had mentioned how dark I'd gotten yesterday), and mentioned he had a small party for his friend.

 

I was reading through and that last line caught me by surprise. Wasn't he supposed to invite me? Okay...I chucked my phone in the corner until noon. The buzzer sounded, noon had rolled around, and I decided that I had to consult the relationship master before I responded to this text because I was just going to ignore him. Period.

 

His perspective:

 

1. He didn't have to apologize, but he did. (Okay, good point).

 

2. He didn't have to respond, but he did. (Okay, good point).

 

3. I'm mad. (Yes).

 

4. Maybe what he meant by "small" was that he and his friend went to Burger King and/or had some shots. (I laughed).

 

5. Say something along the lines of, "I hope you had a good time. Hope you didn't get into too much trouble ...[explain tan]" Period. (I did it).

 

6. Wait until a little bit later, like afternoon/evening to respond. (I did).

 

7. I'm looking for a reason to ditch him and give up. (Yes, true, and I think I've found one).

 

8. Don't give up. This is how it's supposed to go. (Hmm, I already kind of sort of have. If this doesn't go anywhere, I'm REALLY not looking).

 

Following these steps has gotten...no response. And you know what? Today I went for a run and it felt great. I finally felt like...the magic is gone. By him doing this, I've woken up from my "love coma" and am starting to see how things will really be if I keep hanging around. This kind of stuff...is not my style. There is no "magic" in being so mysterious and vague all the time.

 

It's a shame. I really liked this guy. But I feel like...if I keep hanging around, I will be punished for it in some way. He is either lying to me, busy being single, or busy keeping it casual (and all of that is fine and dandy). But not on my watch.

 

I've already taught him it's okay to treat me this way. So, with that, I kind of have no choice but to give up.

 

I shipped off my carefully constructed text message (I get breaks at work, you know? That allows me a few spare minutes to text people I think about. I didn't even have to hide in the crapper!). And waited, and waited and waited...until...I got tired of waiting. I told my friend that this will be a test. My one and only test. If he asks to see me, then all should be well. If not, then screw it. I'm not chasing anything with this guy anymore. This is too much work. My job is easier than this! And I get paid while I do it!

 

So, I'll post back on what happens.

[redbaron005]

Dream analysis: I'm afraid of letting something private to be known. I'm in a creative mood. A project should come to fruition. Maybe I haven't chosen the right career path. But everything points to the bright side. Just a terrible fear of emotions holding me back.

 

Alternative Dream Analysis!

 

It seems more like you may be looking for someone, a man, to save you from your past (the "longing" etc). It's perhaps a displacement on him since he was there while you were 'escaping' your significant past relationship. Its possible that you seek stability (filing cabinets, organized book cases) and see it as a path towards your goal of the life you want to live (with "marriage and children" and a "warm, fresh, and clean" home). Are these things really the ends, or a means to another end?

 

Overcoming the fear that you cannot become pregnant after the abortion I think comes into play here too. Pregnancy becomes part of the path out of the unstable emotional state that you find yourself in on a daily basis (or perhaps just recently). Additionally, a need for validation from your mother in particular, and/or the belief that becoming pregnant will make your bond closer with her seems to find its way into this one too.

 

Hope that's not to, uh, invasive . I still find inspiration and perspective from reading your journal-like posts LITW!

[JahnJahn]

wrong thread xd

Edited June 3, 2014 by JahnJahn

[LostInTheWild]

Well, yesterday, on my drive home from work, I did what I usually do when cars are backed up and block the left-hand turning lane: I go around the traffic. Some guy who was ahead of me had to get behind me, and was very angry about it. But he didn't use a turn signal.

 

I looked in my rear view mirror to see a pale middle finger almost touching his windshield. I looked at the front of his car -- dents everywhere. What did I do? What I always do, of course! Right hand. Middle finger elevated. Raised ever so gently to face my rear windshield. It was the kindest flip-off I've ever given, mainly because I wasn't the one who was mad. He definitely saw this and almost had a coronary. My least favorite form of telling drivers where to shove it came next: hand under the chin in a flicking motion towards me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I started dying laughing.

 

My window was down. Oops. He started yelling and gesturing outside of his window, almost touching the ground. I knew what he was saying: "You're not supposed to drive over the yellow lines!!!" What a nag. Everyone else ahead of me did it. I'm not the first and I'm not the last. And I don't give a crap unless you're a cop. Everyone thinks they can police the world and point out other people's faults when moments earlier, as I was behind him, he flicked a cigarette butt onto the ground. Laughable.

 

Then, to piss him off further, at the next light, I did it again. On purpose. I wanted him to know that I knew he didn't like it and that I didn't care. It seemed after a while he was following me, so I turned into an old folk's home and waited for him to pass -- and I didn't use my turn signal. On purpose. I thought it was hilarious.

 

If you're going to have road rage, at least do it well. Throw some poop at my car or something. But the insults he used only made me laugh. I could tell he was a much older man.

 

I got some beer then I headed off to therapy. I didn't want to talk about the European and I knew she would ask, so I spent the first 45 minutes complaining about my "trainee," who isn't really even in training anymore. He's finally starting to get it, but I still think he's awful. It will take some time for him to get good at it. I really built that position into something I could barely handle, only to pass it off to a new guy who is barely now, over a month later, beginning to swim rather than sink.

 

So, after a while, we switched topics to my parents' move. I described my disdain for it as now they're over an hour away from me. Then her face, I will never forget it, "So, what happened to ****?"

 

She saw through my attempt to avoid conversing about him and what had happened. Then my face, I will never forget how it felt and I will never forget how I felt, "I don't know."

 

I told her the story. I almost got her to agree to a session I didn't have to pay for when she told me she thought he would text me back and ask me to hang out, but only when he is finding he wants some female company. A couple of weeks, maybe. Sure. My money is on the other side of the fence -- he won't. And I know I always say that...then I do or he does, but this feels different. How can he apologize this time? Ask me about my week? I know just what to say: "It was fabulous and very busy. Thanks!" Or if he texts me a couple of weeks from now? What could he even say then? I'd like to see you again? My response: "Well, I'm really busy this week. How about, oh, say next week?" Be vague and polite, like he has been.

 

There was a time when I would have sent several texts to him in a day, if I were much younger, seeking confirmation that he actually liked me. There was a time in my life where I wouldn't have been able to deal with silence and it's still hard. But now that I'm older, it's like, if someone doesn't want me around, I'm not going to try to fit into their lives. I did try and now I'm giving up completely. At some point, it's like...you have to just let it go. No angry texts; no, "Hey, did you get that? Why aren't you talking to me?"

 

I told my friend today that I'm out of the game. The funny thing is, I just don't know what that means for me now. Doing "things" to occupy my time? I have hobbies. Some I'm good at, some I'm terrible at, but they exist and are good "fillers." I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, waiting for something to happen, good or bad.

 

I looked down at my ring today. I realized that now it has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Keep people out. With my new job, it's easy to do that with my coworkers because I'm usually lingering around my desk in silence, working. With my family, well, they're pretty much nonexistent now, so...they don't know who I am. With friends, it's even easier because I usually don't have much to talk about anyway. I'll take this as a lesson. Talk about the things other people like without sharing. Hide. Be that person that everyone talks to but knows absolutely nothing about them. It's hard because people ask now. I'll just have to pretend like I didn't hear it or just say, "I don't know." And force a smile then change the topic.

 

And anyway, my dating stories are pretty much over. Some were funny, some were scary, some were fairy tales, and some just hurt. This one hurt...a little. But it's okay. I'm used to starting over.

 

Last night, though, the Player texted me telling me he doesn't know why but he wants me so badly and he asked what I was doing this weekend. I looked at my phone in utter shock. Then I decided to ignore him. Thoughts fluttered through my head as I thought about all the things I could have said, but I chose not to open that door again. He wanted to change me into something I will never be. And I won't be his friend. I won't be his lover (never was either). And I won't listen to his stories of how much he thinks I want him because of something I said or did when I met him two months ago. He takes great delight and enjoys an ego boost just reminiscing of my actions and how he thinks he is interpreting them correctly. Kind of creepy, but he's a nice guy. Just not my type. I don't like guys like that. He just needs validation and attention, which he will no longer find here.

 

I keep thinking of my phone. I want to check it, but it's actually starting to get easier now the more that reality starts to sink in. I think of how I had to do that with my ex and with the teacher. I stopped looking for them and they went away. They weren't searching for me so I could finally let go. What you want to happen and what actually happens, are two different things entirely. And sometimes, maybe, it actually is for the best.

 

After the turd move the European pulled on me, the magic has been forgotten. What I was afraid of. But this is what I needed to know and what I finally figured out.

 

So, I bid thee adieu. Time to start over again. This time, I will start over alone.

[LostInTheWild]

Alternative Dream Analysis!

 

It seems more like you may be looking for someone, a man, to save you from your past (the "longing" etc). It's perhaps a displacement on him since he was there while you were 'escaping' your significant past relationship. Its possible that you seek stability (filing cabinets, organized book cases) and see it as a path towards your goal of the life you want to live (with "marriage and children" and a "warm, fresh, and clean" home). Are these things really the ends, or a means to another end?

 

Overcoming the fear that you cannot become pregnant after the abortion I think comes into play here too. Pregnancy becomes part of the path out of the unstable emotional state that you find yourself in on a daily basis (or perhaps just recently). Additionally, a need for validation from your mother in particular, and/or the belief that becoming pregnant will make your bond closer with her seems to find its way into this one too.

 

Hope that's not to, uh, invasive . I still find inspiration and perspective from reading your journal-like posts LITW!

 

Some of that might be true, however, dreams stem from the subconscious. There is no control over the thought process in a dream. Pregnancy dreams are about creativity and feelings, not about actually wanting to get pregnant or have things of that nature come to fruition outside of the dream world.

 

I might want to be settled, but I never dream about that. Daydream? Maybe once in a blue moon, but never in an actual dream. My dreams usually do pertain to other things other than what I actually want.

 

I will say, though, two days later I found out someone I know is pregnant. My instructor is. And she doesn't want to keep it. So...

 

Really weird things have been happening this month and we are only on the fourth day.

 

But I'm glad you find inspiration here! I'm not really sure that it's all that inspiring anymore, but hey...

[mattny]

Good luck in you endeavors....come enjoy single life with me! Its kinda fun...

[LostInTheWild]

It's been 10 months now…I've been single the whole time. Just dating. I like it, but it's definitely lonely.

[mattny]

It's been 10 months now…I've been single the whole time. Just dating. I like it, but it's definitely lonely.

 

I hear ya. I havent had anything successful after a date or two, almost 10 months myself..

[LostInTheWild]

I sat in the sun today. It was warm and inviting. Pleasantly so.

 

But there is some darkness returning I can't see past.

 

Bugs whizzing by, in a hurry, looking for food, looking for something.

 

The train tracks. Alone I sat, temporarily, but long enough to think things through.

 

Everything is so green now. Very vivid. Even the ring I wear was. A promise to myself I have to honor. It sparkled in the sun, as if to remind me.

 

For a moment, I couldn't hear anything as I looked ahead into the brush and the beautiful farm lands.

 

Kind of like a moment where the only thing you can hear is your heartbeat. Even if you scream, it is silent.

 

Sometimes it feels like, when something is lost, no matter how hard I try to reach for it, not even knowing where it is, the only thing I can find is air. Thick, moist, tasteless air. Fistfuls of it.

 

The only comfort is knowing I can still breathe.

 

Breathe in, breathe out. Check phone.

 

Solace.

[LostInTheWild]

It would appear I have a stage-five clinger.

 

Even after everything, the short guy (in all areas) I used to date continues to contact me every once in a while. I received a birthday wish twice from him, once at work, and once through text. As if the first wish wasn't enough and I have a terrible memory, but it's not that bad. As a woman, I refuse to acknowledge my age any further. Now I have someone who knows my birthday, hasn't forgotten it after all this time, and wants to wish me well. It doesn't exactly inspire warm, tingly feelings within me, but it was nice nonetheless. A lovely "thanks" is what he received -- both times.

 

So, much to my chagrin, over the weekend I received a text from him thanking me for telling him about a local brewery. He sent me a picture of the beer sitting on his family's counter top, next to his mom's purse (I believe I wrote a story about that). I will never forget it. And I never responded.

 

He told people (or a person) about the fling we had and that is enough for me to ignore him besides the occasional, "Thank you," when it is due. I am a lady after all and will extend gratitude when necessary. But I will continue to ignore him. I think it eats away at him because he doesn't know why. And he never will know that I know what was said.

 

On a good note, things are improving between the first guy I truly "wanted" to date after my relationship ended. We joke around now and I'm seeing him as more of a good friend. And he definitely is. It's amazing how relationships transform and grow if you let them and if you want them to. So, as my friend, I find him hilarious. And it's fun to "beat him up" once in a while. It's nice having someone around that you can do that with.

 

I'm sure everyone wants to know what happened with the European. He's a moron..and that's why I'm mentioning him here. However, that is a story for another time. This story should be in it's final act tomorrow, I think. I keep saying this and saying this, but it will be...I'm pretty sure of it.

 

And finally, I was grabbing some beer across the street last week. While I was in there, I noticed a guy I had seen lat year and a couple of years prior. My ex had nicknamed him "Train Whistle" because of the shape of his head. A fond memory, which was created to make me feel better about myself.

 

One fateful night in a bar a few years ago, before I had started working out, Train Whistle strolled in and my ex recognized him immediately. Long lost friends. In the midst of my drunken haze, I remember him talking about getting a tattoo across his chest of shooting stars. So I remarked, "Why don't you get a shower of penises shooting across your chest instead?" It was a joke and he was immensely offended and told me I looked like I was pregnant, then walked away. About 6 months later, I looked anorexic, and not because of that.

 

This past weekend, I was going here and there. Leaving my apartment and coming back. I saw this guy TWICE. He was walking his dog BOTH times. Just kind of stared and wandered away. A reminder of the life I used to have. A life I wouldn't return to and a life I just can't return to now, even if I wanted to.

[LostInTheWild]

On Wednesday, tomorrow, I have an appointment for therapy. I did this on purpose so I could avoid the feelings this day will bring me. I haven't forgotten the significance of it. I can still remember the day I accepted my ex into my life, to be with me, to be mine and I his. It would have been four years. That's a long time. I know I will spend a lot of my day in my job pouring over the calender. That's what I do for a living. And there is this day that will constantly be slapping me in the face.

 

Dixie Chicks (I hate country, but I like this song) - A Home

 

I mistook the warnings for wisdom,

From so-called friends quick to advise,

Though your touch was telling me otherwise.

 

Somehow I saw you as a weakness,

I thought I had to be strong,

Oh but I was just young,

I was scared,

I was wrong.

 

Not a night goes by,

I don't dream of wandering,

Through the home that might have been.

 

I listened to my pride,

When my heart cried out for you,

Now every day I wake again,

In the house that might have been,

A home.

 

Guess I did what I did believing,

That love is a dangerous thing,

Oh but that couldn't hurt anymore,

Than never knowing.

 

Not a night goes by,

I don't dream of wandering,

Through the home that might have been.

 

I listened to my pride,

When my heart cried out for you,

Now every day I wake again,

In a house that might have been,

A home...

A home.

 

Four walls, a roof, a door, some windows,

Just a place to run when my working day is through.

They say home is where the heart is,

If the exception proves the rule,

I guess that's true.

 

Not a night goes by,

I don't dream of wandering,

Through the home that might have been.

 

I listened to my pride,

When my heart cried out for you,

Now every day I wake again,

In a house that might have been,

A home...

A home.

 

And this is the place I cannot escape. These same four walls. My ex. The men I've dated. There is too much weight here, but I can't afford to move. I can't afford to leave. And where would I go anyway?

 

6/11/14 - I wanted to also spend this evening with the European, which is why I say that this act is in it's final stages. More to come...

[mattny]

So how have things been?

[LostInTheWild]

I have to ask this because...I have been tremendously deep in thought for the last few weeks, to the point of a lingering sadness that stems from someplace I could not figure out.

 

I cried a lot. I am not the type of person who cries...I usually need a very good reason to. Alone I'd sit and just start crying. Even when a couple of the men I've dated trampled my heart, I cried for 10 minutes then receded into deep thought and feeling. And it seems as though I finally have left my mind and can look outward, into world and into the future I couldn't quite see before.

 

Last week, on a day I can't quite pinpoint, I felt the weight finally lift. Something within myself snapped and things just kind of made sense for me. This is my life and I'm living it, whether I want to or not, and there really is no reason to not feel whole. There is no reason to not appreciate this little life I've rebuilt for myself through joy, happiness, blandness, pain, tragedy, hate, despair, and sadness. Then the world opened up and I could see there were people here just like me. It isn't all about me, but the fragile relationships I build with people, my friendships, my family, and not being bored with talking about the little things I had cared so little about to the point of forgetting how to have an actual conversation without yawning halfway through.

 

Enjoy the sip of wine, the taste of bread, the breath of fresh air, the wind blowing through my hair, the heat that builds up in my body as I run. Feel the love from my family, the happiness in that my father is proud of me (this is the first year he's told me that), the love for my work, the pain-in-the-ass drive to and fro, the warmth of accomplishing small goals and tasks. And desire to live each day like I want more of this. It is no easy feat, but it is a start. I haven't had clarity like this since I was single in my teen years. Today, I reflected on those years, and I finally remember what it was like to be single for so long. And I remember how much more involved in my own life I was.

 

What I'm saying here is, I have finally reached a point in my life that has never existed before. I am ready to allow someone into my life to add to it, not to complete it. I'm not looking. I'm not searching. But I'm open to it.

 

A major epiphany? Maybe it is. Maybe it's not permanent. Maybe it is. I just don't know, and I guess that's okay, too -- not knowing.

[LostInTheWild]

Confidence is something I typically lack. I make decisions without actually thinking them through, but if I think too much I find reasons to not make decisions. And I ask a lot of questions in the interim of the decision-making process, to solidify what the end result might be in my mind.

 

Determination is something I have an overabundance of. I have strong ethics and beliefs, never to be shaken, and my mind is not easily changed. I follow my heart with great determination too, and today I was told that I'm a "sucker for love." But I'm still determined.

 

Patience is something I'm learning to embrace. Owning my patience and strengthening it will make me a more virtuous woman and maybe a better parent, some day. At times, it is apparent I have fits of restless, teenage drama going on, stamping my foot like things will change because of my tantrum. Other times, I think when I employ the use of patience, the outcome is much sweeter.

 

Life is risky. If I'm not taking a risk, I'm not living. And this is my life, after all, so I pretty much do as I damn well please. I will always be judged, but what does that matter if what I do makes me happy?

 

Which leads me to say that the post above will seem tied into this and I want to say -- it is not. These two posts are totally unrelated, although it will immediately seem like it once I begin.

 

I didn't get what I wanted from The European. I didn't get a passionate night away from my past and my problems. It isn't anyone's responsibility but my own, and I really see my immaturity in thinking that I'm somehow entitled to someone's time because I need an escape. It's time to stop thinking this way. And I will.

 

Also, there is a difference between chasing and being friendly, apparently. Life is short and if I'm going to see this thing through to the end, I have to act. I have to at least try, rather than the alternative of a being a sitting duck batting it's pretty eyelashes hoping to be noticed. I'm figuring out that I am the person that I am. Nothing will change that and it's time to stop being in denial. Someone out there will like me for me. The are no exceptions.

 

And with my speech out of the way, I am telling you, I reached out. I texted him first on Sunday. I did what I thought felt right. And as it turns out, it was the right thing to do. He invited himself up here on Tuesday (yesterday).

 

It was strange seeing him again, not knowing if I would still be attracted to him, not knowing who he is, really. Even though this has been going on for over a month now.

 

But although I wanted to feel like a polished penny after seeing him again, it wasn't that way. This time it was completely different. I was so intently focused on feeling those feelings again, but it wasn't the case. This time, what I wanted to feel, which was to be smitten again, was overridden by my desire to allow a person to add to my life. I didn't need him. I wanted to see him, but I didn't need him. Yesterday, I discovered that I DO really like this man, as a person, not as a knight in shining armor, but for the gentleness, calmness, and freedom he appears to have mastered. He is knowledgeable about many things, but he is also very gracious in admitting the things he does not know. He has insecurities that he is not ashamed of. And he accepts me, which is what I have always wanted. He never said so, but he seems to hold me in high esteem, always treating me like a lady even when I don't act the part.

 

I was across the street buying beer for us when our joking about his being late came to an end. My flurry of threatening text messages, including a picture of a guy getting kicked in the balls, had not deterred him from driving the hour it takes to be in my company. "Good luck with that. ;-)" he wrote after I told him I was going to kick his ass for being late. Our texts, when we do text, are embellished with more of our personality traits now. It is slowly evolving.

 

I approached his car with confidence, carrying an exposed six pack for the world to see. He hopped out and walked towards me. I felt so happy to see him. It was well worth the wait. What will happen this time?

 

Well, we sat down on a bench in my complex and cracked open the beers. He opened mine for me. We talked about languages, some politics, soccer, and my ring. "You wear that to keep people away don't you?" he asked me even though the answer was obvious. "Yeah, I'm married...Who am I married to today?" I said, looking up and into the sky trying to pull a name. I told him about a weirdo or two that I've met and explained that I'm not dating anymore. Then I kissed him. "I guess I'm off punishment now?" he laughed as I had previously declined his welcoming kiss due to his late arrival.

 

I told him a little bit about my ex too, and when he commented on it I was puzzled. It started like this: "Well, when my ex left me I..." and I didn't finish my sentence. "He left you?!" he nearly shouted. "Yeah, he did," and I finished the brief version of my story. "You still love him," he said, coolly and assuming. "Actually, I don't. I did for a long time, but not anymore. A few months ago I found out he is having a kid. I congratulated him. Then I blocked him." I don't think he bought it, and that's okay -- I know that I don't love my ex anymore.

 

"Have you ever had your heart broken?" I asked. "No."

 

"Really?!" I nearly shouted. And he started, "I was mad about how things ended with the one girl I was seeing. I couldn't see her due to a visa renewal and I had to go back to Serbia for a couple of months. She moved back to Brazil and we just stopped talking," he said, and I realized that he loved her. This may have broken his heart, but he would never say, and I won't ever ask.

 

We were supposed to go to a fair after drinking the beer, but we stayed on the bench too long talking and drinking. It had ended by the time we finished the six pack.

 

I threw the bottles away and grabbed his hand. I led him down the street, for a 25-minute walk to a local bar. I tripped hardcore, right in front of him, and lost a lot of cool points in my mind, LOL. Whenever the sidewalk narrowed and he had to let go of my hand, he reached for it again once we could walk side-by-side.

 

We got to the bar where things got intense. When I'm with him, I can't stop kissing him. We talked and played darts. I asked him to take a day off work so we could go to the beach for a weekend. He seemed open to the idea, but I don't think it will happen because I reminded him in the morning and he told me he didn't think his boss would allow it, but that he'd try. Now, let me tell you, I am terrible at darts. They went flying all over the place and I received a lesson from him in throwing darts. After being the one who ultimately wound up getting my ass kicked, he sat down.

 

I sat on top on him, facing him. We kissed. He was afraid they would kick us out for it. "They don't care," I said, as a bouncer walked by without saying a word. "Let's get a taxi," I suggested. I reached for my phone and called.

 

I actually got pretty drunk. Through a drunken fog, I remember getting in the taxi, asking if I could smoke in it, and the guy telling me he didn't care if I did because it wasn't his car. I laughed. I don't think I smoked.

 

We got back here and again, I realized that the entire time I was with him, my wallet didn't open. He held doors for me. We got up to my place and well, you know what happens next. Just as good as all the other times, but he had worked hard that day, so he was pretty exhausted. It was nice of him to even come here being as tired as he was.

 

I set my alarm thinking I would get up a little bit earlier to enjoy some more time with him. It was three o'clock when we finally crashed. It was 7 when my eyes popped open, searching for the clock. I WAS LATE!!!!!!! I jumped up, grabbed clothes, texted my boss, and asked her if I could make up my time over lunch. She said I could, and that's when I slowed down, thinking I'd get to work at 8 and just work through my hour lunch. Whew, crisis averted.

 

The European apologized for it. "I'm so sorry. You're late...oh no," he said, sounding remorseful. "It's okay! It's not your fault, silly." And then, the moment of hilarious truth: "Well, I should tell you that I got up to use the bathroom and the alarm was going off so I hit the 'snooze' button. I'm so sorry. I know I was supposed to help you get up in the morning." I nearly died making fun of him. "So, wait a second, you're telling me that you came in here after using the bathroom, said to yourself, '**** this thing. It's too loud,' and shut it off? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Why did you tell me anyway? HAHAHAHA!!! Don't worry about it, it's not your fault. I didn't hear it."

 

I got dressed. "Lover!!! Come here a second!"

 

He came out of the bathroom and we laid on the bed. I held him for a while and rubbed his hair, noticing it had grown. "I'm going to cut it," he remarked. "Noooo, I like it!" He said, "It's too coarse. It's like a brillo pad!"

 

Time escaped me. It was time to leave. I began to miss him before he had left my death grip. I didn't want it to stop. I didn't want it to end. We stood outside and I was already talking about seeing him again, more persistently than I had in the past. "Next Tuesday?" I asked. "Yeah, maybe! Soon..." he replied. I never get a straight answer. But the point is, he has to know I like him now. He has to know there is more meaning for me in seeing him now. As I stood there in his arms, kissing him in the hot, morning sun, not caring what time I got to work -- he HAD to know then. If he doesn't bolt in the opposite direction after that, then maybe he can add something to my life. Patience, for the things I want, for the things I reach for, for the things I get, and for the things I might not get. But also, patience, in my attempts while trying to get there. I breathed him in. And I felt some sort of compatibility forming. Curiosity about what I do know and what I want to know about him.

 

I left, feeling something for him, but it did not consume my day. My heart is making a feeble attempt at an investment here, but not knowing is the fun part.

[mattny]

It seems things are progressing well. I get the warm fuzzies reading that last post

 

I was looking forward to updates all week...I always come here for an uplifting read.

 

Fathers day wasnt so great for me, I did spend a lot of time Saturday out at my mom's cousins house on the island...their '2nd vacation home' as they call it (they are loaded). Spent 4 hours in a saltwater pool relaxing my muscles from all the crossfit abuse Ive been putting myself through. Surfing through facebook on Sunday, I happened across a post in my newsfeed of my ex's sister...it was a picture of all of them for Fathers day, and my ex and her new man...which I ended up feeling an intense amount of anger towards for no reason....guess Im still not over her.

 

It was 10 months on June 8th...im waiting for this ephipany like you had...I think I experienced it a while back but maybe its not cemented in my brain yet. Some of my friends said Ive been a 'negative nilly' which took some energy out me because I have no idea when or how I was being one. Always tomorrow to make improvments...

 

I hope things work out for the better with this guy

[LostInTheWild]

You really think it sounds promising?

 

The lines are getting blurred, for me at least.

 

Keeping things casual and reminding myself of that frequently helps.

 

I told my therapist I wish I knew how he felt about me. She said, "Yeah, I wonder. I mean, he doesn't have to see you at all, right?"

 

I guess he has fun. I do too.

[LostInTheWild]

I don't know if this is healthy, but I have absolutely nothing to do this weekend. I spent most of my day here, eating and sleeping.

 

But then I decided to take the five mile challenge (something I made up) on a trail I frequent. I've never done five miles there. I ran five miles. Then I thought, "Might as well keep going. There's nothing better to do."

 

I ran and I ran. So much so, someone even commented on it. "How many times have you ran around here?" He asked as he pulled out his fishing rod. "This is my sixth lap," I said, not really believing I'd make it. "More power to you. I couldn't even do one."

 

I thought about so many things. I stopped a few times, but it was only out of exhaustion. I ran another lap, then another. On my last one, I thought I'd try it again, but my skin was salty and grainy. I decided to leave.

 

I thought about my ex a lot. I thought about how we would run that trail. He was always ahead of me. And all I could see were his feet and back. Then he'd disappear and I'd struggle to keep up, but I never could. This always made me mad for some reason.

 

And I thought about the current guy. About how I haven't heard from him. And if I never say anything, I probably never will. But…I guess I'll have to at some point. I just haven't decided when. I am curious to see if he will on his own volition, without my interference.

 

Huff, huff. I was losing breath. I wondered what I said or if I had acted in a way that would repel him. On the trail, I knew I had two options with him: continue this, the way it is, the way we both kind of like it, being patient and waiting for the day it will hurt too much. Or, let him go.

 

I kept running. I ran from my past. I ran from my present. And I tried to leave him there. But I couldn't.

 

I counted my last lap: eight miles.

 

I have never run over five. This is the first time in my life I dared to do more. And actually, it was closer to nine.

 

I feel great. I feel full and alive. A goal I hadn't tried for or thought about until I was in the moment was accomplished.

[mattny]

I don't know if this is healthy, but I have absolutely nothing to do this weekend. I spent most of my day here, eating and sleeping.

 

But then I decided to take the five mile challenge (something I made up) on a trail I frequent. I've never done five miles there. I ran five miles. Then I thought, "Might as well keep going. There's nothing better to do."

 

I ran and I ran. So much so, someone even commented on it. "How many times have you ran around here?" He asked as he pulled out his fishing rod. "This is my sixth lap," I said, not really believing I'd make it. "More power to you. I couldn't even do one."

 

I thought about so many things. I stopped a few times, but it was only out of exhaustion. I ran another lap, then another. On my last one, I thought I'd try it again, but my skin was salty and grainy. I decided to leave.

 

I thought about my ex a lot. I thought about how we would run that trail. He was always ahead of me. And all I could see were his feet and back. Then he'd disappear and I'd struggle to keep up, but I never could. This always made me mad for some reason.

 

And I thought about the current guy. About how I haven't heard from him. And if I never say anything, I probably never will. But…I guess I'll have to at some point. I just haven't decided when. I am curious to see if he will on his own volition, without my interference.

 

Huff, huff. I was losing breath. I wondered what I said or if I had acted in a way that would repel him. On the trail, I knew I had two options with him: continue this, the way it is, the way we both kind of like it, being patient and waiting for the day it will hurt too much. Or, let him go.

 

I kept running. I ran from my past. I ran from my present. And I tried to leave him there. But I couldn't.

 

I counted my last lap: eight miles.

 

I have never run over five. This is the first time in my life I dared to do more. And actually, it was closer to nine.

 

I feel great. I feel full and alive. A goal I hadn't tried for or thought about until I was in the moment was accomplished.

 

You are gonna be SORE tomorrow stretch or do something tonight and stay mobile for a bit.

 

I like where things are going because you are having fun. Like your therapist says he doesnt HAVE to see you. But he makes the effort to. Do you chat him up more often? Or do you wait for him to make the inital move? If i was seein a girl Id be hittin her up everyday.

 

I had a competition with a friend today up at a Crossfit gym in CT. Spent the night and hit it up early this morning. At first I was nervous and anxious, there was this burning/guilt sensation I was getting. My first comp away from home without her in almost a year. A bit of sadness/depression hit me for a little while last night, and as my best friend put it 'you are taking that step away from your past life....it hurts to let go but dont wish that she was there cheering you on like old times. Give that praise to your friends and family who watch you put that blood sweat and tears in. They deserve it more than she does.'

 

He was right. My ex was similar to your ex...she always outran me. Out 'crossfited' me. Never managed to pass her in a run..she was always getting away. I got angry at myself a lot.

Because I wasnt good enough.

Because I wasnt fast enough.

Because she was always better at EVERYTHING than me.

 

Whatever she put her mind to she achieved that goal. I told myself these things because I never felt like I could climb that mountain of success with her. I was always a step behind or stumbling or falling back. Everytime I tried harder I fell harder. Nothing seemed to work. I felt insignificant. She said not to get worked up over it and that she didnt care but I could sense it in her.

 

After we split I starting making huge gains in the gym. There was no one to push but myself. So I could push myself however I wanted. There was no one to complain or whine to about how hard a workout was. I sucked it up and did it. Lost 30lbs, gained a crapload of muscle and it paid off. Today as I stood on top of that podium with my boy I was able to tell myself 'I CAN do this and do it without her'

 

Spent the two hour drive home blasting a long progressive house track that was nothing short of amazing. I felt good. Life was good .

 

Same goes for you. Even if Im wrong and the European fades out, your life is good. You ran way more than you thought you would. You made peace with yourself. You took life by the horns and ran with it. And im proud of you