Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

Yeah, I still have my moments like that, but I never say so. In fact, the only time I talk about my ex is here now, unless I tell a story that involves him. But that doesn't mean I don't feel it.

 

Maybe I could use my friends as a support group. I know I could. But I think that makes me look weak. And to my own dismay, my friends, as a result of my unwillingness to be vulnerable, don't realize how much I need them sometimes. So it's great you can share that with your group.

 

I actually didn't wake up sore at ALL. I woke up feeling the same way I always do. Just fine. SO, what did I do today? I did it AGAIN. Nearly 18 miles in two days. I can't believe I did it. And, I feel it this time. I felt it on the trail. My legs started to give up and I could barely lift my feet during the last two laps. My legs started to get stiff and I asked myself what exactly I thought I was doing. It was rough. I was punishing myself. I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to feel the hunger for more torture — as much as my body would allow. And with these feelings, I tried to forget everything. I didn't even want to remember my name. Living was too much work.

 

Then I tripped. I almost went flying down a hill face first with my music blasting in my ears, sunglasses ready to fly, phone close to being lost in the brush. The only reason I didn't eat **** is because I kept moving. My legs saved me. This reminded me of the times I tripped in front of the European. And the time I fell on a different part of that trail with my ex. I nearly went flying into the stagnant, no-swimming, no-boating, no-nothing lake. And I cut my knee.

 

I am definitely a klutz. If I lean on a display in the store, everything falls off. If I get drunk, I break something or fall down (not all the time). I feel like such a retard! It's nearly impossible for me to avoid an embarrassing moment. With the spill I nearly took in the woods today, I've officially lost my remaining cool points. That one bruised the ego pretty badly.

 

I am usually the one to text the European first nowadays. Actually, he never really has. Maybe a few times. So in the early morning hours, I texted him. It's nearly 5 now. He does this **** all the time and I'm pretty used to it, but it's not the kind of attention I want. A few days go by and he will text back? Maybe. Maybe a week will pass. But what am I teaching him when it comes to communication? "You know, if I never texted you...I'd never hear from you again. Haha..." I said to him the other night, just to bust his balls. "That's not true..." He said.

 

And here I am, ready to throw in the towel again. I don't know why I'm so schizy about this and him. Part of me wants to hold on. Part of me wants to let go. I'm shooting for that last part, so I deleted even more information this time, hoping to hear from him but just trying to accept that I won't at the same time. He knows how to reach me.

 

He's just not that into me, I guess. It's just difficult to accept that, but I'll soon realize that.

 

My greatest fear when my ex left me was that men would objectify me and my appearance. They would use me for it, without trying to understand me or start anything real. The things we fear have already happened to us. In my case, it has happened repeatedly. I am a trinket for self-gratification, "still-got-it" men, etc.

 

If I ever lost sleep over anything, it was this reason. Being an easily attainable conquest. To my horror, I've lived this every day since he left.

[LostInTheWild]

? Words cannot describe how angry I am right now. If I could take back everything with the European, today would be the day.

 

He thought it would be funny to tell me he took off on the day I asked for after I offered him a stay at the beach with me and my friend.

 

I felt SO bad and kind of happy/surprised because it was unexpected. So I told him he should have said something and that I hadn't booked the rooms yet. I just needed to know by Thursday what was up so I could set money aside.

 

He was JOKING. And he thought it was funny to pay me back because I had joked about losing my job for being late. My joke was an OBVIOUS joke. Obviously, I didn't lose my job for that. Holy hell.

 

He kept saying, "You didn't like that?! Gotcha back! :-)" ???

 

So I said, "I legitimately felt bad, but oh well, I don't expect anything anyway. ?"

 

Haven't heard from him since. I don't know what he could possibly say to change that horse ****. Hopes up...hopes down. **** that. Not on my watch.

[BC1980]

? Words cannot describe how angry I am right now. If I could take back everything with the European, today would be the day.

 

He thought it would be funny to tell me he took off on the day I asked for after I offered him a stay at the beach with me and my friend.

 

I felt SO bad and kind of happy/surprised because it was unexpected. So I told him he should have said something and that I hadn't booked the rooms yet. I just needed to know by Thursday what was up so I could set money aside.

 

He was JOKING. And he thought it was funny to pay me back because I had joked about losing my job for being late. My joke was an OBVIOUS joke. Obviously, I didn't lose my job for that. Holy hell.

 

He kept saying, "You didn't like that?! Gotcha back! :-)" ???

 

So I said, "I legitimately felt bad, but oh well, I don't expect anything anyway. ?"

 

Haven't heard from him since. I don't know what he could possibly say to change that horse ****. Hopes up...hopes down. **** that. Not on my watch.

 

I've been following this thread for awhile but never commented. I don't know if you want it or not, but I'll give you my two cents on what I see. The European obviously can't give you what you want, which was apparent early on, but you continue to engage with him. You sell yourself short by doing that. If it's obvious he can't give you what you want (I'm assuming an actual relationship), then you cut him loose.

 

You're angry right now, but all of that could have been avoided if you had cut this guy loose a long time ago. You know that he would never contact you if you stopped contacting him. It's apparent he does not want an exclusive relationship with you and is probably mainly seeing you for sex. You know this, and you would be a lot better off if you expected more for yourself.

 

Most people, women especially, don't tend to enjoy these casual types of relationships. If what you are looking for is something serious, stop trying to convince yourself that you are okay with what he is offering you. Because it seems like, so far, he's offering up quite a bit of anxiety and confusion, and you keep him around on the off chance he might change. Expect more for yourself. Free yourself up to meet someone who is actually worth your time.

[BC1980]

My greatest fear when my ex left me was that men would objectify me and my appearance. They would use me for it, without trying to understand me or start anything real. The things we fear have already happened to us. In my case, it has happened repeatedly. I am a trinket for self-gratification, "still-got-it" men, etc.

 

If I ever lost sleep over anything, it was this reason. Being an easily attainable conquest. To my horror, I've lived this every day since he left.

 

Many women fear exactly this. You sleeping with him on the first date set you up to fall into the trap you were avoiding. I've done it myself, and the same thing happened to me. For many years and with my recent relationship, I did so many things that were counter to what I claimed I wanted. You seem like a pretty cool woman with some good stuff going, so I certainly wouldn't waste time on this European who clearly is a player.

[LostInTheWild]

BC, I agree with you wholeheartedly. But I've learned that people watching and people living are two different things. I appreciate you saying something and maybe I desperately needed to hear it (or read it). This is not to say I won't follow your advice or that I am disregarding it in any way. Believe me, I'm old enough to know better, you know? I've been here and done this. Many times.

 

In fact, I had my thumb hovering over the "send" button for the Dear John text I was about to send. Only because of what I read here. And my anger.

 

However, based on what I've learned, read, thought, and felt -- it is always the wrong choice. What people tell me...what people say about me...or my situations, only makes me work harder to please the ideals and experiences of those people rather than being taught a harsh lesson myself. Plus, what would I have to write about then? My daily routine of getting ready for work and ready for bed? That makes me yawn rereading it, searching for errors I can't find until I submit it and can't change anything.

 

The European has officially lost my trust and respect today, regardless of my joke to him. Rather than sending him a Dear John text, I left it as it was and deleted everything that was said today.

 

Rather than making false promises here again, to a forum full of those who read what I write, I want it to be known (after what I've said prior about being happy and doing what I want to do), what I want to do -- and what I WILL do, is never send him a text again in initiation. Like BC said, I can certainly guarantee I won't hear from him again.

 

Today was bull ****. My wake up call I needed. In my dream-like, fantastic state of mind, there was a light that came on in my mind. I don't want to be treated this way. Casually or otherwise.

 

Can I handle a casual relationship? Of course I can, BC, when I am not being treated this way. I don't feel led on. I don't feel like this is his fault. It is no one's fault. Except for mine. I am responsible for my feelings. I am responsible for allowing myself to hope. Hope for what? I don't know...See, I'm not really looking for anything. But I met him and I liked it. That's all I can say about that.

 

In exchange for my wisdom, it has allowed me to not be "THAT GIRL" that men dread getting involved with. I'm actually pretty cool about these kinds of things. Which is why he got a simple, calm, rational text from me. Which is why, even after much debate amongst my inner demons, he won't get that text I want to send. It would have been a nasty one. That's for damn sure.

 

The overall picture? It hurts to know that an awesome human being won't be around anymore. He was great. But I'm good at pretending people are dead. Even when I see them every day.

 

Also, I don't think having sex is a big deal. I don't need to prove my worth to anyone. If they can't see me as a person after they've "gotten the goods" then they aren't worth my time in the first place. A man should be proving to me why he's worth my time to begin with. I'm not hoping to start a relationship that way, but if it did, I would be happy knowing a man could see past that. Many of the men I dated could (unfortunately for me -- they were worse than women I tell you). Many of them won't (I accept that). And many of them will. It all depends on what floats your boat.

 

I don't usually get attached so easily, actually. There have only been two men in my life that have captured my interest like this. My ex...and this guy. I imagine if two people can, where's the third at? I did like the teach, but...it was nowhere near this intensity.

 

He might be a player. I've considered that. It never stopped me before. But this one time, his being a player hasn't stopped me. His stupidity has.

 

I've learned a lot today and over the course of a month. More about myself, defeat, and trying to go on. That's what's the most important to me now. Although I won't be taking that trip, I will be taking a vacation. Hopefully I can reemerge anew again.

Edited June 24, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[redbaron005]

BC is spot on.

 

Complelty agree with the caveat that you are aloud to challenge what you have said that you want and along the way to refine those goals. Reevaluating every three to four months is good. Just always remember to be greatful as what you have now was once what you hoped for.

[BC1980]

I think you can handle a casual relationship, but is that what you want? I was in what amounted to a FWB situation for about 2 years at one point, and I was cool with it in that I didn't demand more from the guy. However, it never gave me what I truly wanted. I noticed myself wanting more towards the end, so I stepped away from it. I don't think your situation is FWB, but I also think it's obvious that you want more than this guy can give you. It was obvious to me from the start, and I think you knew that too.

 

I think you deserve someone who can give you an actual relationship, one in which you don't have to agonize over sending a text or worry if he is going to contact you again. Don't do that to yourself. Expect more for yourself. I know it's hard to change, and women, especially, have a tendency to want to be the one to change a man. To make a guy commit.

 

I also used to not take sex very seriously, but I see things differently the older I get. I've had the one night stands that never called back. It's usually the rule that men just aren't going to call you if you have sex on the first date. It's like poison to do that. Of course, there are exceptions, but they are rare. I think it gives you more self-worth to make a guy actually work for what is, truly, a big deal. As much as our society likes to make out that sex isn't a big deal, most people still consider it to be a big deal. I'm not saying it's right or wrong; I'm just conveying what I have realized is the reality.

[irresolute]

I think you can handle a casual relationship, but is that what you want? I was in what amounted to a FWB situation for about 2 years at one point, and I was cool with it in that I didn't demand more from the guy. However, it never gave me what I truly wanted. I noticed myself wanting more towards the end, so I stepped away from it. I don't think your situation is FWB, but I also think it's obvious that you want more than this guy can give you. It was obvious to me from the start, and I think you knew that too.

 

I think you deserve someone who can give you an actual relationship, one in which you don't have to agonize over sending a text or worry if he is going to contact you again. Don't do that to yourself. Expect more for yourself. I know it's hard to change, and women, especially, have a tendency to want to be the one to change a man. To make a guy commit.

 

I also used to not take sex very seriously, but I see things differently the older I get. I've had the one night stands that never called back. It's usually the rule that men just aren't going to call you if you have sex on the first date. It's like poison to do that. Of course, there are exceptions, but they are rare. I think it gives you more self-worth to make a guy actually work for what is, truly, a big deal. As much as our society likes to make out that sex isn't a big deal, most people still consider it to be a big deal. I'm not saying it's right or wrong; I'm just conveying what I have realized is the reality.

 

So, do you think it's wise to step away once one realizes has feelings that are not reciprocated?

[LostInTheWild]

Man, of all the times I could have used some help...SMH. It's been nearly a dang year.

 

Once one realizes feelings are not reciprocated, yes, it is wise to walk away. Otherwise it is torturous.

 

I do owe it to myself, BC, you're right. And I've realized that.

 

However, I do have some semblance of self-respect left. I'm exercising that right now.

 

Clearly I wanted more from him. But it wasn't just a relationship (and he came about when I had just stopped trying). It was curiosity and wanting to know how he did it. How he saw the world the way he did. He intrigued me.

 

I appreciate the words of encouragement. This will be a ten minute loss for me now.

 

And I'd like to add that I mean it. I'm done going rounds like this. It just took this one thing to realize it.

[BC1980]

So, do you think it's wise to step away once one realizes has feelings that are not reciprocated?

 

I do think it's wise to step away to protect yourself. I can't say I've always done so myself, but it's the smartest thing to do for sure.

[BC1980]

Man, of all the times I could have used some help...SMH. It's been nearly a dang year.

 

Once one realizes feelings are not reciprocated, yes, it is wise to walk away. Otherwise it is torturous.

 

I do owe it to myself, BC, you're right. And I've realized that.

 

However, I do have some semblance of self-respect left. I'm exercising that right now.

 

Clearly I wanted more from him. But it wasn't just a relationship (and he came about when I had just stopped trying). It was curiosity and wanting to know how he did it. How he saw the world the way he did. He intrigued me.

 

I appreciate the words of encouragement. This will be a ten minute loss for me now.

 

And I'd like to add that I mean it. I'm done going rounds like this. It just took this one thing to realize it.

 

Sometimes, people end up being more trouble than they are worth, and it's just excess baggage you end up carting around.

[LostInTheWild]

Always the worrier. That's what I've been told. An over-thinker.

 

Today I woke up. Took out the garbage. Came to work.

 

Worrying about the past, worrying about the future, worrying about the present. That stops today. It will change everything.

 

Be present now. Live for today. Live for the moment. Tomorrow may never come.

 

I'm closing the door on the past. Everything. Today I start living again. Whatever happens will happen.

 

It's time for change.

[LostInTheWild]

When the distance's grown,

When you're far from home,

Are your eyes new?

Nothing's easier,

Looking back from your,

Room with a view.

 

Could've said and could've done,

From a thousand down to one,

Looking for a better 'long the way,

Tell me are you still the same?

Tell me am I gonna learn?

Will it be the last time that I say...

 

Greener grass not so.

Perfect's just for show.

Waking up cold,

Next to someone new.

Having things to do,

Watching time go.

 

Oh love of mine,

Oh my sweet love,

What if the night,

Could undo,

Take back the time,

Bring back enough,

Before the day I lost you?

I lost you.

 

Mr. Little Jeans

 

I like posting stories and songs. It's one of my favorite things to do these days.

 

I figure I'll attempt to run 24-26 miles total this weekend. The most I've ever run in my life. It's fun. I enjoy it. Work is great. I still love it.

 

But if I keep posting, I'll have to continue to hold on to the past. I can't do that anymore. It will leave me empty and in reflection, which I no longer want or need to do anymore.

 

No more stories. There isn't anything inspirational to write about anymore. I need no more "guidance" as I navigate through my normal, non-dating lifestyle. I fear I've become what I never wanted...the "worker bee." But I'll return when life offers me a new story to tell.

 

For now, I'll lurk the forum. Hoping for inspiration. When I find it...be it a week or two years, I'll return with...hopefully, a positive update.

 

 

Until then, enjoy my thread. Learn. Grow.

 

Know this is hard for me. I won't be gone long.

 

LITW.

[mattny]

:-( well I hope the future is bright for you! I guess in a way I should probably disappear too. Being here is doing the same thing...holding onto the past. Its time to let the final strands go.

[LostInTheWild]

I guess it didn't take long for me to come back to my thread. I have another story to tell.

 

This weekend woke me up. I have been in a fog dealing with other people's problems and quite unwilling to confront my own.

 

This past weekend I did. With open arms.

 

But did it ever take it's toll on me.

 

I am so worn out.

[LostInTheWild]

So, let's all seriously take a moment and figure out what we are all grateful for.

 

And what someone would do to see you happy...or not...or otherwise.

 

Really, consider it.

 

Think about that.

 

Let it marinate, then read the rest...

[LostInTheWild]

Hide the sun

I will leave your face out of my mind

You should save your eyes

A thousand voices howling in my head

 

Speak in tongues

I don’t even recognize your face

Riddle on the wall

Tell me all the ways to stay away

 

Ey ey ey ah

Away ey ah

Away ey ah

And stay

Away ey ah

Away ey ah

Away ey ah

 

Dig a hole

Fireworks exploding in my hands

If I could paint the sky

All the stars would shine upon in red

 

Stay

Ey ey ey ah

Away ey ah

Away ey ah

And stay

Ey ey ey ah

Away ey ah

Away ey ah

 

And stay (I'm hearing voices all the time up in my mind)

Away ey ah

Away ey ah

Away ey ah (I'm hearing voices and they're hunting my mind)

And stay (I'm hearing voices all the time up in my mind)

Away ey ah

Away ey ah

Away ey ah (I'm hearing voices and they're hunting my mind)

 

Black out days

I don’t recognize you anymore

[LostInTheWild]

What is there to envy about one's life?

 

What have those who are envied accomplished within their lives and themselves to be envied?

 

I often wonder about that because I usually never feel jealous anymore. I never feel like someone has more than I do...except for my ex.

 

And it only came at my expense...

[LostInTheWild]

I had nothing to do.

 

My friend canceled. It was me and the television for most of the day until I decided to take the trip out to see my parents.

 

You're cousin has an infection in his arm from the chemo..." my dad informed me. "It spread to the other arm. They're having a hard time controlling it."

 

I met my mom on the balcony. I contemplated visiting him because he is the father of my cousin who I hate (she invited my ex into her life).

 

"He would probably really like it if you visited him. He would do anything for us, you know?" She said, slowly. When she said this, it made me realize that it wasn't his fault. He still loved us all. I would go.

 

So I did. I stopped at the store to buy purple hair dye. It was the most difficult decision I've had to make since the breakup. Purple? Really? how would that be received at my company?

 

So I bought some. A bright, shimmering purple. Friendly. Different. Inviting.

 

Later in the evening, I stumbled through the hospital in my bum gear. My hair was pulled back as if I were going to run, which I thought about at some point, but it never happened. I realized I had forgotten my deodorant...oh well...Hugs aren't free.

 

I fumbled for the button to his floor in the elevator. I found it, pressed it, and off I went. Into the unknown...the unfamiliar. The scariness. What would he look like now? What would he think of me now? It's been years...

 

The eighth floor. Fireworks were just getting started. They boomed outside. But I couldn't hear them as I strolled through the halls searching for his room.

 

Then I saw him. My 64-year-old cousin lying in his bed, propped up, watching television.

[LostInTheWild]

He saw me first. His expression lit up. He hopped out of bed and welcomed me, with open arms, like my grandmother would have.

 

We sat down and began to talk. I've never spoken to him like this. Communication flowed openly and smoothly. Until…I realized my nightmares were catching up with me. The night grew dimmer. And the words felt like icicles running down my back.

 

"I saw him..."

[LostInTheWild]

"...and his girlfriend. She's pregnant. I think she's uglier than the Republic of France. It's her face...she's not fat, but she looks like a pregnant horse."

 

I chuckled at his comment. His comment that seemed so sympathetic. Just what a family member should say. But it was believable. I think he downgraded, which is fine. Better than nothing, which is what I have now, but I will make sure the man I wind up with is far superior in every way -- even if I have wait a lifetime for him. He will be worthy of me.

 

So, I sat down and told him stories about our relationship. It was the first time I'd opened up about my ex in a long time. I was extremely angry; this is why I didn't want him hanging around my life. I wanted him to absorb his new girlfriend's life and family and stay the hell out of mine. My words were like knives being thrown. My bitterness seeped through and try as I might when I told those stories, they were certainly negative. I was angry.

 

But then, we sat down and watched fireworks together. I enjoyed his company and his wisdom. He has so much more depth than I ever thought he had because we had never spoken like this. I realized I missed my cousin. I really had missed him. "You and your cousin will speak again. Time will change everything for you both, wait and see," he warned.

 

"That's never going to happen. I can't forgive her for choosing my ex over me -- ever. And I don't even think she realizes what she's done," I fired back.

 

We hugged goodbye. Then he muttered, "You really have to stop being so negative..."

 

I listened, but then I became angry and resentful. Why had my life turned out to be this way? It's not empty, but it's lonely. And I haven't met anyone. Not anyone who will stick around, who isn't a freak, who I can give a chance, and who will give me a chance too. Why? I was jealous at first, but then I thought about it...

 

He will be tied down to someone he doesn't know for 20+ years. Good job.

 

He will be burdened with the debt of raising a child and despite him getting a better paying position, I still potentially make more than he does (and will after the child is born).

 

So, what did I do with this information? At first, nothing. I did nothing, but I did quiz our mutual friend since I had to tell her the story about how I heard this information. I couldn't hold onto it anymore.

 

And after peppering her with questions, I understood he was barely existent in her world anymore. Occasionally, he would stop by, but it has become rare.

 

Still, I had received a text from my cousin that I can't stand anymore and I was cordial with her, but it was only because she was thanking me, telling me it meant a lot to that I spent time with her father. That's as far as it went. In fact, I would forgive her, now that I think about it, but only so I could say, "I accept your apology for this. But I will never give you the opportunity to choose someone else over me again, especially knowing what you knew about the situation. And I will never allow the opportunity for abandonment again." Hug her goodbye, and keep trolling on.

 

It wasn't until a few days later I decided to take the block off my phone and let my ex have it. I explained to him the damage he has caused, why I was angry, and why he is not welcome in my family (this being a prime example). I also mentioned his girlfriend and how I don't like that he is parading her around my family.

 

I said this nicely, although I could have left the part out about him moving straight to hell for all I care. However, I don't think it will work. He responded, but it was more of a, "I'll tell your family you said this," type of deal. And it wasn't until I went on and on that he finally told me what I wanted to hear, but I know better. Much better. He is a liar. And he will hide it. But I told him if I see him at a major family function, he better run for cover. The cops will be called. I mean that.

 

 

 

 

With my friends missing in action these days, I'm left to my own vices. It's tough to think about this, since my parents have moved away. I'm all that's really left now. My friend is blowing me off for some dude she likes (I get it -- it happens), my other friends are expecting their second child, my other friends just have no time for me.

 

I walked through my apartment where I have lived for about four years now. I've had many men and many friends pass through here. The memories are still so strong. My collection of material items has slowed. Work is becoming monotonous, but keeps me going. I still think about the one who has changed everything for me.

 

Each trip I take to see my parents, each time I go there, and even with the one night I spent out on the town in a large city and embarrassing myself with my one-man dance-show performances all night (drunk, of course) -- I am starting to find that lifestyle...the one without pressure. More freedom. The lifestyle I thought only existed in The European's world. I can do that there. I can change myself and be who I want to be. I can surround myself with friends and people I don't know. All by myself. And being surrounded with the love of my parents, it is so hard to want to live where I live now.

 

There is nothing left here for me anymore. This place is a barren desert. I will be forever lost here...and unhappy. It's time to recreate my world the way it should have been long ago.

 

So, people, I've decided to MOVE. This place is going on the market soon and I've begun house-shopping in a place that's over an hour away from here. Further from my job, but it's a price I'll gladly pay for my happiness and sanity.

 

I'll come back for those I love and for those who love me, only to visit. But this is the best move I can make. To explore the world and be nearer to my family who want me and would never choose another soul on this planet over me.

 

I speak to the realtor tomorrow...Hopefully I can find a seller willing to work with me. I want a house...MY FIRST HOUSE! And I won't even have to wait for "prince charming" to get it. All me. All in. All alone...exploring...

[LostInTheWild]

Saturday morning began like any other day. I woke up, played some random game on my phone, and pondered about what would happen. I had showings of houses lined up. I'd meet my realtor for the first time. I'd spend time with my parents. I was ready to close this chapter that's been hanging open since this all started.

 

The funny thing is, it is very easy to get sucked into whatever ambition I'm pursuing. I know how badly I want this because of the effort, the time, and the money I am putting into it. I want a new life. I wanted to see this neighborhood.

 

"I have to feed the cows so they produce milk!" I said to myself, while playing said game.

 

"Bzzz!" my phone vibrated and a message popped up to interrupt my super fun me time.

 

Guess who? Oh yes, you guessed it. Yes, you got it right. Yes, I will send you a million dollars when I find it. It was a hello, and an excuse as to why he hadn't said anything to me for nearly an entire month. "I'm hosting a friend from Serbia. Sorry, I've been so busy."

 

Well, I was busy, too. I was busy getting ready to alter my life course and possibly change it...for the better...without a man to hold me back. "Meh, I'll have to cook up a good response to this one..." and I took a shower. I cried. I wanted him then, but at the same time, it's too late for him. He has run his course and all those feelings I thought I had are severely diminished now. I cried for myself. I cried for my false feelings I had for him. I cried because I was wrong about him to begin with. It lasted only a few seconds, then I picked myself up and left.

 

I saw at least seven homes. Weaving in and out, through and down, up and over, near the river, through the neighborhoods, meeting strangers. I felt alive there. I knew...I knew...this will be my home one way or another. Cracking jokes, basking in the sunlit homes, my parents ogling everything to make sure it was enough for their baby girl, my realtor worried I'd choose the most expensive and unaffordable house. "Home," I thought, "and I wouldn't even return if I didn't have to. I want to stay HERE. Possibilities...a new life...a new future. I have to change my life and this is where I will do it." Life filled me and I found happiness in the unknown.

 

At the end of the day, I found the place I wanted to call my own. I texted my realtor with the offer I'd like to make. "Monday, maybe :)"

 

Tomorrow I might know. Yes or no...A house twice the size of my apartment, twice as nice, with it's own parking space, a yard, artsy, historic, and charming. A balcony, three bedrooms, a beautiful kitchen -- everything I could ever ask for. Everything I could ever want. And a neighborhood where people know each other, talk to each other -- so foreign to me. I will have to adjust to the small talk and brief "hello's."

 

As we wrapped up, I even purchased some iced tea from a little girl, for myself and my realtor. Friendly, it definitely was. And it was the most terribly sweet iced tea I've ever had, but I choked it down. It was worth the experience and to see the little girl's face light up.

 

I finally returned home after making my offer and contacting lenders. I bought a box of wine and sat in the sun with a glass on the community patio. I sent pictures of the home that I put an offer in on to The European, touting my victory, proud of myself for some reason. And I told him that excuses are like a**holes, everyone has one and they all stink. "Yes, I agree!" he replied. I laughed and took several gulps of wine. I steadily became drunk and my conversations with him and my friends quickly deteriorated. Nobody wanted to hang out, which was fine. One friend was busy with her new beau, one friend was busy with work, and one was fixated on being able to hang out since I'd be closer to him. Ah, yes, the high school friend. If he thinks he's getting in my pants again, he's dead wrong, but I'll be his friend nonetheless.

 

Gulp, gulp, gulp. I needed to detach from reality and enjoy my life. It's been a long time since I got this drunk. I usually only ever have three beers max here and there. Maybe, just maybe, it's best thing I've ever done on a boring Saturday night.

 

What drinking did for me on that night was allow me to not care. I did not care that he had texted me. I did not miss him. So I said whatever the hell I wished, without apology, and in the morning it was so mortifying I had to tell him I was joking and deleted the messages.

 

I asked him what his ulterior motive was for contacting me. He said there was none. I told him to give me a weekend day and I'd show him a good time. I offered up two locations we could hang out -- here or where I'd be moving. I don't remember what he said to that. Surely, by the time I started telling him he didn't know what sex was until he's had it from me since it's been so long, he must've known I was obliterated. I'll stop there. I don't remember it all and I don't want to. But I will be glad to never hear from him again.

 

I don't check my phone, I won't look for him, and I will leave this place full of brokenness, sadness, and heartache. The memories will evaporate as someone else creates a new life here where it didn't work for me, while I create my new life by the river, where I know it will work.

 

I filled some holes in the walls today. I planned my escape. I allowed myself a few hours of giddiness. I looked at furniture and dinnerware. And you know what? I don't even know where to begin.

 

I hope the sellers accept my offer. Cheers to a new beginning!

[LostInTheWild]

The sellers have responded.

 

They are picky and want this in writing.

 

The husband likes the sound of it. The wife does not like the offer.

 

I wrote it up at the end of my work day and sent it to my realtor for review and submission.

 

I'm so close. If they like the offer, it's mine. If they don't, then it will be time to move on to a different property.

 

I think I'll know something tomorrow.

 

But anyway, I went to work today and spoke to my friends about my follies and misadventures over the weekend. I'm also thinking of throwing a Halloween party should I get this house and would like them to join me in breathing new life into my new home.

 

Well, that's about all that's going on at this point. I hope it only gets better from here!

[LostInTheWild]

Today I spent some time in reflection. A year's time is closing in on me quickly.

 

This one day in time has changed everything. Just like the first time I saw my ex on that cool, spring day. I was 16 years old. Eleven years ago. Just like the last time I hugged him goodbye, and like the last time I saw him. I floated through time and continued on not knowing what was in store for me.

 

I have been through so many things and so many changes. I even dyed part of my hair purple that faded to a pink not too long ago. My hair has changed more times than I can count. The men have come and gone, but none of them have cared to know me. None of them have cared to stay. And I have cared less and less each time.

 

My reason for writing today is different. I want to talk about how I really feel. I want to talk about what a year has actually done for me and to me.

 

Earlier this week, I felt it. This slow, creeping, chilling feeling. I have really moved on. I do not have any interest in speaking to my ex. I don't pine for him. I don't look for him. My heart doesn't sink when I think I see him. And I rarely think about him now unless he crosses me.

 

I felt, along with the other feeling, a sense of pride and joy. I have come a long way and have finally, nearly, put my life back together. My sanity is still in tact (sort of). And then I think about my teenage years when I couldn't get him off of my mind. I was crazy about him. But I was alone. I was okay. And I've found that happy medium again. This time it is without another person. Is this inner peace?

 

This time, though, I'm afraid. What could I possibly have left to fear? I've done it all. I've seen it all. I've lived through it all. I am strong. That's my fear now. My strength. If another man were to approach me, I don't know what I would do. I've grown to be so selfish that if anyone tried to break through my wall that I have come to love and find comfort in, I think I would just turn them down and walk away. I feel open to meeting someone and I'm sad I haven't, but there is this weight I have resting on my shoulders. I don't even remember how to be someone's girlfriend. I don't know how to get to that point. I don't even know if I could actually love someone more than I love myself now.

 

The last guy I dated taught me this. I brought this up in therapy. I told her I was afraid of making all the wrong choices again. What, I asked her, does it mean to truly respect yourself in a relationship? Does this mean that you always have to be willing to walk away at the slightest sign of disrespect? How do you know what you should put up with and what not to? Hmm? Do you always love yourself more than you love the other person? Are you supposed to be the one who loves the other person a lot less than they love you? That's an imbalance and I think it is almost always the case. One loves more than the other and that opens the door to disrespect.

 

Of course, I ask the questions that nobody can answer. She smiled. I think this is the first session I really tried to focus on myself and face the damage of my abusive life. She beamed. She seemed like we had just jumped over an ocean. I've been seeing her for a long time now and this is the first time she ever looked at me like I finally figured out what therapy was for -- not my dating stories and the stories of other people, but it's for me. I knew she was going to try and cut me loose, weaning me off of sessions, thinking I might not need it anymore. That was when I tried to reach for more meaning, more depth, and one last piece of knowledge she could offer me. But she didn't and I'm glad I can explore this with her now.

 

My eyes have opened, revealing a part of myself that I still carry with me. I am the older version of my younger self, with just as many insecurities, twice as much ambition, less angry, more helpful, and more productive. I don't usually run from my problems. I hold my ground. I fight for myself because no one else is around to. And I care so much less than I used to. I just woke up one day and didn't give a damn.

 

I kind of figure that the man who is lucky enough to be with me will be willing to tear down my comfort zone and pursue me for this new person I've become. I surprise myself almost daily. My headlight is out in my car and you know what? I don't care. I drive it like that anyway (it's a faulty connection, not the bulbs). Okay, that's a bad example, but in the past I would have cared so much to the point of exhaustion.

 

As I watch my friend fall in love, I am reminded that I was once there and it was once reciprocated. And now, I can't even imagine allowing myself to feel that passion again. It is too expensive in the long-term, when that tab expires and you must pay in full. It always hurts in the end. I'm glad I'm not there. I'm glad I have other things to focus on improving. But it really begs the question: will I ever meet someone again? Who's next? I am very curious.

 

So, the offer fell through on that house. BUT, there is another in the works. I won't get too excited yet, but this house was my first choice actually. And it's right next to the river. I can open a window and the beauty of it all can be in my bedroom or my living room. It's in the same neighborhood. I just hope it all works out. I will know for certain tomorrow.

 

If this deal goes through, my life will be very different on September 1st when I pack up and leave everything I know to be tried and true. There is something about that neighborhood. I just know it will change my life forever. I have a strong feeling that it will.

 

Everything can change. All in one day...

[redbaron005]

Did you get the house by the river!? Dying for an update, sounds like great things are happening for you LITW!