Lost In The Wild

October 10, 2014

Well, this week has been better for me, emotionally speaking. I have hardly had a down moment. I think I'm getting some of my confidence back. How? Well, when I feel like a doughnut, I am miserable. So I decided to experiment and see what happens.

I popped in my workout collection all this week so far to see how I'd feel and to see if I would see results. It's a very challenging workout. And I'm on day four...I see results. My body has forgiven me for my weekend-long (or month-long) pizza hut binge eating marathon. If I continue on this way, I'll be back in shape in no time. Tonight I was feeling a little lazy and didn't want to do it. I almost put my t-shirt on and washed my face for bed. The water was running and I thought, "Just go work out." I turned the water off and went to the attic, my new "workout studio." I did it and I feel good about that. It has been hard for me to even think about exercise lately. I've been out of the game for over a month. I was (still am kind of) feeling really insecure about my body and how my work clothes were getting tighter. Hopefully it continues to improve my image and my mental state. I also feel less angry and less aggressive towards my coworkers. I have a pretty high stress job so it's easy to slam the phone down when they piss me off.

Other than that, I've been reading a LOT. I read constantly now and I'm not sure why. I've been trolling threads on this site and I have to say, although I typically wallow in self-pity about 85% of the time, some people have it so much worse. My heart goes out to them all. I read stories of infidelity and really thought about this. Most people cheat these days. I felt sad for the people and reflected on my own life. Okay, we all know I want to find a good man, but for right now...I am SO glad I don't have to snoop through my man's things to find out if he's sleeping around. I'm SO glad I make my own decisions and control the direction of my life. I am SO glad I don't have someone I always have to think about. I even read a post where a woman talked about feeling smothered and needed her "me" time from her boyfriend, so she told him and he was cool with that. I don't even know if I'd want someone around me five days per week. The idea repulses me. Hell, some days I get tired of looking at my coworkers. Then I read a post about a woman unhappy with her marriage who had kids. Wow, at this point I really would jump into the river if I had mouths to feed. Yikes. They take too much time and I'm always in a hurry. Add them on top of a relation ship? Yeah, me thinks I'm not ready for that.

I'm still having fun, I noticed. I think that is okay for now. But then I read a post that really struck a chord in my frozen heart and I thought about that, too. I can't remember the last time I've told a person I love them and meant it. I really can't. A man, anyway. Actually, wait, I haven't told anyone that except for my parents. Not a soul...for over one year. It has an eery feeling to it. I've felt feelings, but I've never expressed them. It's just not who I am anymore.

But reading so many stories I've ignored for so long has really put a lot into perspective for me. Mainly, my problem with communicating how I really feel. I'm always afraid I'll say the wrong thing. Maybe I really should just start telling people how I see things and how I feel. I've automatically stopped doing that since the last conversation I had with my ex while I stood there crying like a child, watching him gather his belongings. I figured emotions are pretty useless. They don't change anything anyway. I don't remember opening a conversation with a man saying "I feel..." Because I don't think they care to know anyhow.

I don't know, maybe I have, but I don't remember saying anything of the sort.

October 10, 2014

Funny, I've been thinking about this too. The fact that I don't really talk about my feelings to people I date.

My best friend? She knows everything. We've known each other since we were two. She probably knows too much.

But I haven't heard from her in days and I assume that she's annoyed with me because every time I talk it's me asking her questions that have no answers. "What did I do wrong?"

"Things were so great the last time we were together."

"He wouldn't do X and X if he was pulling away, would he?"

It's pathetic.

I have kids though. So, I can affirm it's no easy task to be try and be selfless when all you want to do is down a bunch of painkillers and space out for months to not feel all the emotions.

Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked.

What I was trying to say is, the more I go over the end of this last relationship in my head, I'm realizing that I would always hesitate to be myself.

I wanted to assess what he wanted and make sure I didn't show qualities of myself that he wouldn't like.

I played it cool in the sense that I hardly ever reached out first. The first time he went a day or two without talking to me, I didn't even bring it up.

He'd tease me and I'd be slightly wondering if there was some truth to it but I wouldn't let on to that.

Point being, I was closed off. Why? Probably because I've read over and over on website after website that you can't be "clingy" don't do "such and such" because guys will run for the hills.

But right now, I saw screw that advice.

If you want to call a guy out, do it.

If you want to say good morning to a guy, do it.

When you're feeling disrespected, say something.

(unless you have known issues with boundaries/seeking help for emotional things)

Because everything else is just a game, and why do you even want to be with someone that you have to play games with.

My best relationships started off organically.

Every one that I've felt like I had to play a game to keep him interested, never worked out.

*Jumps off soapbox*

Btw, good for you for working out.

I've been working on getting back in shape too.

When I would perform I had a reason to be thin; right now I've let that slide slightly.

I always feel like I have my sh*t together when I'm in decent shape.

Glad you're feeling good. Hoping to be there sooner than later, as well.

October 16, 2014

So I went out last Friday hoping to meet new people - and I definitely got a whole lot more than I asked for. I might now even be a reformed sexaholic (based on my posts here, LOL), thanks to the few lovely men I met that night.

I started off rather combative when one man approached me. I wasn't interested in him and he wore a bicycle chain for a bracelet. Immediately, he asked for my name. "It's whatever you want it to be..." I smiled. And it all went downhill from there. The poor sucker couldn't get one straight answer from me, and it set the tone for the rest of the crowd I communicated with the rest of the night.

It was funny there towards the end. I realized he was leaning in, closer and closer, and I was leaning closer and closer - to the guy next to me, begging for an escape. If a 32-year-old-man doesn't understand body language, there's something wrong.

So he asked me the dreaded question: "Do you have children?" Oh god, I'm getting old enough for that question already. Well, he did ask, so I gave him the response 19-year-old-me would have given ages ago: "Do I look like I have children? If I had children, do you think I'd be out all alone on a Friday night having a few drinks?" I'm sure some people do it, but if I were a mom, I'd definitely take my mom-friends along with me. But I'm not. The point came when he told me he had a 4-year-old daughter. And I was instantly even more turned off and shut down even further. It wasn't that he had a child (partially - I don't really want to date another man with a child because I wound up being mommy the last time) but it was what he said after that: "Does it bother you that I have a kid?"

Oh, brother, help me lord. And save my wretched, putrid soul.

"No. Why would it bother me?" I asked, knowing that he wanted to DATE me!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He tried to get me to do a shot. Nope. I drove. When he left, I felt a huge sigh of relief leave my chest. Then the next gang came up to chit-chat about how they thought he was ridiculous, etc. One guy got so sloppy he started telling me what my problems were, like how I have a cold heart, how I won't let anyone in, how I have issues with men...

"Guys, you know I've just met you right? Do I have to tell you my life story??"

I quickly got out of dodge and left the sloppy complainers. I drove home and crashed on my bed. Ugh...I hated that, but it was fun at the same time. Hard to explain.

I meandered around the house most of the weekend and watched movies. I was bored to tears, but with the chilly rain falling from the sky, I just didn't want to do much. It was okay with with me that I was alone. I didn't need anyone. I turned over in bed where I'd laid all day when I saw the sun quickly set over the river, I blinked and it was gone. Winter is coming...

I got a text from....The Russian! He was asking how I was and I wasn't too pleased to hear from him, nor did I want to see him. I felt fat and old and had no interest in him seeing me in this state I could barely recover from to entertain company. He gave me one-word answers and I knew he was pissed that I wasn't more open to sharing. Ah well, I let that ship sail and he stopped texting.

Then my phone goes off again. I think it's him. No, it's The European. He was asking me how I was doing, what I was doing and offered up some information about his life. I was floored when I heard his good news. Floored. He found a job with a very prestigious bank and he got it. He will get to put his master's degree to good use. I was very happy for him and high-fived him through walls of texts explaining that I knew he could do it because he's so ambitious, ya'll know, inflate the ego a bit. I did just that. And I let it rest.

But I was sad, too. I'm still sad. I remember a conversation we had, and I can't remember if I did or didn't post it before, but just in case, let me gloss over it again and romanticize it for the sake of this story.

I laid in his arms in the dimly lit closet after another passionate round, in his friend's house, in Baltimore. A place where I wanted to be. My eyes twinkling with excitement, I lay in his arms and look up at him.

Not remembering what he had told me earlier at the bar, I asked him something about when he would be ready for a relationship (I can't remember the question). The man had goals, apparently, because he said, "Well, when I get a job and get settled in, then I'll start looking to settle down. Maybe get married."

My heart wept that day when I didn't want to confront the truth. And honestly, I knew I'd never see him again. And I never did. Or I least I wish I never did. Darn it.

My heart sank at the same time it was filled with joy. Kind of like finding out my friend was pregnant the first time. I was SO happy for her, but SO sad for myselfbecause I would never have that. I would never be married. I won't be like everyone else. And I was with my ex and I was already thinking those things...And I still do sometimes.

But anyway, my heart sank because he is traveling through a chapter in his life where he has achieved what he wanted. It's also so hurtful to realize that when he meets the one he chooses, I will never see him again. I thought I'd be okay with that. I guess I'm not. I'm not even upset that he probably has a line of women all around his neighborhood (or the country) waiting for their turn with him. He has definitely taught me to be humble and gracious in how I treat men, and to not be jealous. Even when he is with me he does not utter a word about any woman. Ever. But I'm really upset that it's not me. It's taken me a long time to admit this to myself, although I've never even told my closest friends. I've never said this before. Maybe I'm just having a bad night thinking about it because days before I wanted to end it. It's incredibly easy for me to shut these feelings down most of the time, but when I really feel them, man, it's hard. It's hard to face reality.

And my heart twisted again when he said: "How come you never text me?"

I'm sure this man has his faults, he does, he is human. When he is with me though, he treats me like a queen. My expectations from all men are low, which is bad, but at the same time...my expectations for how they should treat me have risen. Because of him. You don't hold the door for me? Screw you. You don't pay? Screw you. You don't offer to get a taxi for me? Screw you. You don't go out of your way to see me? Screw you. You walk ahead of or behind me? Ad nauseum... Because of him, although with really low expectations, my standards are high...is what I'm saying I guess. What was I trying to get at before (I'm really digging a hole here)? Oh yeah, he makes me weak. Only because I know he is a good person. I'm sure he will make a stellar husband, an awesome father, etc. So seeing a text like this really got to me. I like this guy, yes? I'm sure we all see it plastered all over this thread, even when I deny it. Hell, I'll admit it, I ****ing love him to pieces.

And that is why I stayed cool, calm, and collected. I crafted my response carefully: "Why don't you text me? You know I'm here if you want to talk." #mangrunt.

"I am always texting you," he responds. #womangrunt.

Guilt sets in.

And for once, I thought I'd be honest with myself and with him. I wanted to tell him something that had feeling because, like Here said, we should communicate our feelings. And if I died tomorrow, he'd never know the small bit of feelings for him I conveyed that night. In my tiny mouse-text-voice, I mustered up some courage: "It's not that I don't care or that I never think about you. I do, but I feel like I'm bothering you (or at least it felt that way before)." I felt SO relieved. SOOOO relieved to have just said those things, not caring what he said back. Even if it was small, it was progress, for me in my own mind.

"You silly :-) When do you want to see me again?" It amused me that he remembered I call him that. "Silly."

Well, I almost got a Friday with him. Almost. He warned that he might have a soccer game, just so I wouldn't get my hopes up, so I offered Thursday up if he couldn't make Friday. But I childishly thought, "Wow, I finally get a weekend day." #winnin'

Nah, winning wasn't so. I reached out last night to find out what the deal was. He has a soccer game on Friday from 8-10, not where he lives, but in D.C. I tried to bend him to come after, but that was when he told me it was too far away (in D.C.). I told him I'd rather not do a Thursday because it's hard getting up for work the next day, but I relented asking him to come earlier. He said he'd check his schedule. I think he will be late. I won't get my hopes up (you know, low expectations keep you from getting disappointed/mad). I explained how I really wanted to see him. He confirmed Thursday.

On my porch, with rain misting my phone, I wandered inside. I pulled up the lipstick kiss emoticon. I sent it. Then I drifted off, fantasizing about what this time will bring. How different his touch will be this time. How new he will still seem. And how badly I wish to be his.

I may be torturing myself here, but it is the most pleasurable torture I've ever put myself through. Ever. It's worth everything.

I sat outside with my friend today and I broke my vow when she asked me why I would be leaving work early tomorrow. "Ah, you know, I'm going to the mall to get some things," I looked around nervously, not wanting to lie, "And The European is coming."

I told her what was said, and when I brought up the "silly" text, she immediately tried to empathize, "I'm the same way when I try to avoid emotions..." and I stopped her there. "He isn't like anyone else. This is why I don't like talking about him because I don't want people to try to analyze him. He is different in his own way. I've never met another like him. And I don't think he meant it as a dodge. He meant that it's silly that I think I'm bothering him." I wanted to slap myself. Word vomit...Denial? I'm defending him now? Well, in reality, I take what men say as what they mean after vigorous tutoring from the collection of men I've written about. To me, it's not denial, it's truth. He said what he meant. I wasn't cornering him with what I said, I was explaining without expecting my casual sex partner to fawn all over himself saying, "Oh, you care? I CARE TOO!! WOW! We feel the same way! Let's date." And I feel like when I tell people these things, they feel they immediately have to "go there" and teach me something I never asked for because I already know! The only time I ask for advice is from my guy friend who is really good about this thing - because he's a dude too!

I rarely tap into my friends for help because they pollute my mind with negativity. Hell, I do it to them, too!! But that's why I've learned to not ask, go with it, and if I have questions, consult the same sex or go to the source himself. That drives me up the wall sometimes. I guess I must have this "please help me figure him out" look on my face when I talk about guys I like. Nah, I'd rather think what I want to think because I'm usually right when it comes to my own life and I should follow my instincts and not what people tell me all the time. I honestly think I did that waaaayyyy too much with my ex and when I did what I wanted to do, the outcome was so much better and more natural (although I should have listened to the "leave him" lyrics I could write a song with now).

Friends create tension, although they are well-meaning, that's hard to shake. They give you potential outcomes and you focus on the negative ones. "Think he's cheating?" you ask. "Aww, girl, you know he is!!! Blah, blah blah-blah..." friends say. And it ****ing festers until it manifests then you go back for more bad advice. Soon, you are no longer living for yourself, but only for your friend's opinions of your situation. Then they eventually determine the outcome.

I read stories of messed up things people do to each other, then the man or woman goes back and friends have a holy cow. But you know what? It's their life to live and their decisions to make. There should be no outside influences unless it's really unhealthy (like my situation was). Maybe people can move past things without having to seek out advice. You have to be able to forgive some crap in life because nobody is perfect. I really realized that with my friend's situation. In the beginning I told her to ditch him, he's not worth it, he's dumb, he's this and he's that. But one day she was beating him up verbally pretty badly and I realized I was doing everything all wrong. Give her advice she needs to hear, she isn't leaving him (that's what *I* want), and give her something she can use (like calm down and stop beating him into his shell). Be "for" both parties. Even if you don't agree.

So, nearing the end of my rant here, all-in-all I'd say I'm more able to manage my emotions without outside interference. I like to tell my stories to my friends and I do like their opinions, but I don't like anyone explaining the next move unless I ask or if they can identify something I can't do on my own.

I don't really know why I'm writing about this tonight. I'm really excited to see him. I guess if I didn't like to write that's all I would have said.

October 16, 2014

Here,

You've really helped me with your last post. I'm sure you can see that.

Really, thank you.

October 17, 2014

I spent a couple of hours at the mall after work yesterday, trying to get some casual clothing since I've been looking rather awful lately. It seemed like everything was going wrong on purpose. I was so late getting home. I was so late getting ready. I was so late with cleaning up. I flew up and down the stairs in my new high-heeled booties, almost falling down the stairs a couple of times. I ran out to get beer and got lost. I ran up and down the sidewalks looking for the bar I wanted to buy beer from (found it). All of this was done after I had asked him to be early...Then I get the text, "I'm not coming." Okay, I am kidding. He said, "I'm running late." I was flustered at that point and responded, "Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah!"

I got to finish everything up and was able to kick back on the couch with a beer, my stunning new outfit that also made me look comfortable, and my laptop just finishing up a movie. I've never been so happy that somebody was late before. He comes into my house. And I am so, SO happy to see him. WTF is wrong with me??? He runs up to the bathroom and I grab him a beer.

He comes downstairs and sits next to me. We start talking about his trip he has planned for Kentucky to go rock climbing. When he first said, "I'm taking a trip to Kentucky," I said, "What in the hell for? There's nothing there!" LOL. Then in his "American" accent he follows up with, "This is 'merica." Yeah, it went something like that. He seemed pretty excited about his trip and I was pleased.

Then the topic of his new job came up and before I knew it my cheeks felt hot but there was a smile lingering in my eyes as I looked at him. It hurt. I won't lie, but I was gracious and listened to him and encouraged his excitement. He did tell me he was probably going to move there eventually. Then I couldn't do it anymore. I felt my eyes stop smiling and I whispered, "I won't get to see you anymore." And he offered me some comfort in saying he thinks the distance is the same and that we will get together. It will just have to be on the weekends. I invited myself into his life, LOL, by saying I can visit too. It doesn't always have to be him driving everywhere. He agreed that once he moved there we could make that happen. He has his host roommate he still lives with and would like to get a place of his own. Then we pulled our phones out and made a spot on a Saturday for him to come and visit. November 8th.

We leaned in for a passionate kiss. I noticed something this night. I look at him more loving than I ever have. I touched him more in a non-sexual way than I ever have. And you know what really sticks out in my mind? I noticed it instantly...Damn...I have obligations. I'll have to finish this later.

October 18, 2014

I noticed there was something in the air, something in his look, something was there in the way he looked at me. I know that as I sit here and write this today, as of this date, after this encounter - for certain - he cares for me. He cares about me. He may never have been in love and he may very well never feel those feelings for anyone, but the way he looked at me last night was very intense. I could not ignore it. I hate even thinking about it though, because it's meaningless. It truly is, in my opinion. Getting "puppy" eyes for someone means nothing. I've done it too. Part of me recognizes this happened, but part of me is pulling my mind in another direction towards disbelief. Did I really see what I saw? Am I sure? Or am I now beginning to imagine these things? I'm questioning my instincts on this because he is so very difficult to read.

However, actions, mean more than words. The way he acted this time was different, too. He was interested in learning more about me - something I never really write about because he enjoys talking about himself and I usually listen. I do get to tell him things about myself, usually, but this time he asked questions. I took out a binder of my company's product offerings and he was interested in it. Literally. And I work in the most boring field on the planet (which is why we are all a bunch of alcoholics at my company, I told him). He scooted up next to me, put his arm around me, and paid attention.

He told me I "looked really good" when he first came in. I think he loved my new outfit. I could feel his eyes piercing me every chance he got. I walked by him and he stopped me in my living room. He put his hands on me and kissed me passionately. I pulled away after I felt it would escalate. I just wanted him to have just enough.

We talked for a while longer and decided to walk to a local pub. I held his arm as we walked at a brisk pace telling stories of crimes in the city. His dentist had gotten held up at gunpoint and one of her friends gave up his wallet, but first requested to take out his identification. The perpetrators shot him for that. That is haunting.

We arrived at the bar and I bought us some drinks and an appetizer we munched on after joking around with the idea of who gets what piece and why. We talked about sports. And I kind of forget most of the night afterwards because I got pretty tipsy. I remember making a friend who bought me a shot, and he chatted up some locales having a nice evening out together. We had a really good time, then we walked back to my house. His hand found mine on the walk home.

We hung out for a while and went to the bedroom. It was passionate and it was real. It was an amazing night.

We now have a funny habit of setting alarms on our phones and use them in conjunction with my alarm clock. I awoke to a whole variety of alarms going off, but kept hitting the snooze button, being mindful of the time. I realized when I woke up, I was laying in his arms. We had sex again, and lately when I'm on top, he has been pulling me down to lay on top of him to be closer. It was nice but it was short. I had to get ready for work. I was still kind of tipsy. And he had to get a shower.

This was funny because while he's in the shower, I'm brushing my teeth, throwing clothes on, looking in the mirror at my face and seeing that one eye had makeup on and the other didn't, so I pulled out eyeliner and filled in the other one so I would look balanced. Threw my hair up in a ponytail. He gets out of the shower and I explain to him that I have to leave, please lock the door, kiss, kiss, see you soon, hug, and don't forget the 8th! I ran out of the house and started the car. I stopped to buy cigarettes and a hoagie that I ate once I got to work, still trying to figure out how I should go about doing my job effectively even in a crappy state of mind.

I texted him telling him I had a lot of fun and look forward to seeing him soon. I told him I'd be in touch and thanked him. Then I went back to my long, grueling day.

I stood in the break room hovering over the water cooler. A coworker commented to one of my friends that I looked awful. He said my eyes were bloodshot and I was chugging water like there was no tomorrow. He said my eyes looked like they were bleeding, LOL! Ah well, we've all had nights like that. As hungover as I was, I made it up to lunchtime and went out to meet my friend for our walk.

I didn't intend to tell her the story. She did ask, and so I started telling her. Then I told her what I've been noticing. "I don't even know why I'm saying this. I don't want to say this. I can't. I shouldn't have brought this up. I just don't know how to say this..." I kept saying. "He was different this time..." and I told her about it. I didn't want to admit it. I hated saying these things aloud. I hate "feelings" and I hate having them, much less admitting to my friend, the skeptic, that I've picked up on a various number of things. She kept telling me it sounded like a fun time. And she seemed happy for me.

I collapsed on the railroad track in a fluster across from her and paused. "He really does bring out the best in you. You aren't mad today," she pointed out and her face was warm. Just what I needed to see. I looked her dead in the eyes. "I just want to cry..." I said, keeping my voice from shaking. "Why? Happy tears? Not sad tears, right?" she asked in a lighthearted way.

"No....sad tears..."

"Why?"

"Because I'm in love with him," and all self-control was lost as I continued to look at her. Tears welled up in my eyes, my face was hot and tingly, and I began to sob.

She got up and came over to comfort me. This was what I needed from her. And instead of giving me the advice she wanted to, she told me what I needed to hear, in a way.

"I knew you were happy with him. I remember you telling me a long time ago that when you are happy, you don't like to talk about the guys you like. It's okay," she said.

"I remember saying that and you're right, I am really happy with him. I can't believe you remember that. But I hate having these feelings. What do I do with FEELINGS? These feelings I can't do anything with? I don't want to feel anything!" I cried.

"Take your time and text him more. See what happens. I don't think he would have asked you why you don't text him if it didn't bother him," she said. I wiped my tears away and I felt better that she said that. "Maybe I should and see what happens. I guess I kind of have to open up and let my guard down."

The day for this to happen was lovely. It was like a scene out of a movie. The day was bright and the leaves were changing, blowing around in the wind, while the sunlight peaked through the limbs above us. We walked back and I felt better that I admitted it then. And I was glad to have her in my life.

Later this evening, after work, I went shopping with another friend. We met at a restaurant and I told her this same story. "Text him more! See what happens!" she instructed. "I don't know the guy, but it sounds like it's evolving. It does seem different, based on what you're telling me."

And I was grateful to have her there with me then too. You see, maybe I need this kind of encouragement. I am very guarded with my emotions because I don't want to get hurt, and I understand this situation may not end well for me. However, wouldn't it be nice to try it and find out? Let things continue the way they are and watch and see what happens? Let it grow without smothering it or forcing it? It's a shot in the dark. This is a situation best meant for observation of actions.

"We will see if he follows through for the 8th. That is what I'm waiting to see."

Edited October 18, 2014 by LostInTheWild

October 19, 2014

My cousin got married today. A rather empty church it was, but beautiful nonetheless. He and I went to high school together, hating each other, then growing together, then drifting apart in our adult lives. I have fond memories of him. Being able to hug him and congratulate him meant everything to me.

And his face...when she walked down the aisle...my heart broke into millions of pieces. I'd kill to have a man cry as I walked down the aisle and into his arms. His eyes said it all. And I almost cried. I want that. I want to be in love with someone who is in love with me. Why can't I have that? Why?

My distant cousin came over to talk to me and the dreaded question came up. "So you're not married yet?" And I just shut down. "Nope. I don't think it's going to happen."

"Really? Why?"

"It's just starting to look that way isn't it?" I asked. Here I will be 28 in May. Nothing but my job. And house. And dog.

He said, "It will happen. My son is 45 and he just got his first girlfriend. She's been chasing him since high school."

But I want children? Can't wait until I'm 45. And my beauty is waning.

Here I sit in my car waiting for the reception to begin with tears in my eyes. I've failed. He mentioned his son getting married in 2020. I told him we will be dead by then. He said he would be but I won't. Then, I just told him I don't want to live that long. For what? To work?

I've failed.

I hate weddings.

Edited October 19, 2014 by LostInTheWild

October 19, 2014

I get it. I hate it when people ask why I don't have kids. I'll be 34 soon, so it's not looking good right now. People assume stuff. I devoted 3 years to a man that wanted me to adopt his child when we got married. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

It just kind of seems silly when people ask me if I want kids. At this stage in the game? After the hell I've gone through? I just want to laugh when they ask me.

October 20, 2014

BC, I did speak to my friend about this. "People are having healthy children up until 40," he says. "You think I'd want them then?" I asked him. "Why not?" he asked me.

Because I won't be able to show them the beauty of life by that point. Because there will be no beauty or imagination left in me, I told him. I won't be able to pretend that the teacup is full or that the dinosaurs can talk to each other like they can when you're small. I can do that now because I still daydream. I still dream of the world that life can possibly offer me. But tonight I gave up that. I know I've said it before. But tonight I have actually decided that my career was worth more than all this.

It's the only thing I have left to shoot for. The single most angering, important thing I have left in life to care about. And it's also one of the most important things I've become apathetic about. So I've decided to try and get a hold of Adderall from my doctor to see if it makes a difference in my life. Sure, it may kill my sex drive but what do I need it for? And I can lose more weight. Then I'll feel better and be able to focus on being a good, little government worker bee, paying for roads and the welfare of others who were able to have a family that I can't have. Until I just completely give up one day in old age or in my younger years.

My friend said it's because I'm searching for it. I told him he was wrong. No way. I am no longer searching for anything. I have given up hope long ago, after I cared for the teacher so much and ruined that. Then I met the European and he's clearly no good for me, but I do love him. There really are no options beyond what I have here. I go out and either meet someone who wants sex or I meet...well, nobody. My psych says to go out and try new hobbies but that requires money I don't have to invest. Sure, I could meet some really great people but damn...

October 20, 2014

From the perspective of an outsider I would say that you have nothing to worry about. You might meet a guy in 6 months, a year...you never know. The time to worry is when you've reached my age. I'm 44 and the resignation has fully taken hold. I've missed the boat. I would kill to be 28 again. The prime of my life. I know it's a bit different, me being a guy and all but you're still young.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Hoosfoos

October 24, 2014

We never really know how much damage someone does. At least, not until they're gone and we're left scrounging around, digging holes, searching for the pieces. Then eventually we put it back together and it's not as great as it was or what we thought it was, but it'll do just fine for now.

I've reflected over the course of this year and I have finally come to a conclusion that I don't think I've ever thought of before, because hello, that's what I do -- I figure **** out. If I can't in the present, I have extreme patience and that will always carry me to the answers in the future. No matter what. I will figure it out.

However, I oftentimes have epiphanies. I'm in the moment and things just occur. I had therapy a couple of nights ago and voila! My moment came. I have a BIG, UGLY, GAPING problem. And it's so freaking bad.

We were talking about The European and I told her the story. She assumed I liked a boy (his mental state -- emotionally underdeveloped) and I told her I loved a man. I admitted it and it felt good to feel firm in my decision to feel this way about somebody again. It felt great to know it. So, my question was, what do I do with these feelings? Tell him?

She gave me a few lines I could use from the heavy to the light. When she was feeding me this I thought of my ex because, well, I'll get to that. It's time for a mini-flashback.

My ex did not like to talk about emotions after his first dalliance (let's be classy and use classy words). In turn, it caused me to have to deal with this by myself, long after I HAD to extend my forgiveness before I was even ready to. He was pushing me to get over it. When I first spoke to him about this like two rational adults, I believe that was the first and the only time I've ever seen his eyes tear up.

From that point, since my feelings were never resolved, trust was never repaired, and communication deteriorated, I never got over it. Never did. I tried talking and he would shut me down, shut me out, and try to shut me up. It made me persistent and it made me think more and when I think I have to have an outlet to discuss issues. After a while, I realized he was ignoring me so I could say whatever I wanted and he wouldn't hear it. And after a while, I was pretty much just having a conversation with myself while he sat there doing other things. We fought a lot.

After I stopped caring, I finally stopped talking. I knew I wasn't being heard. Then began my internal battle to fight my emotions. I would not cry in front of him, ever again (the breakup being the exception). I would not discuss anything with him (it was now out of the question). And he would never have the right to understand how I feel (because he never cared until I stopped). I just shut down. I stopped feeling anything but being on the autopilot mission I'm still on. I would lay in bed at night and practice not. Feeling. Anything. It was all I could do to keep my sanity. And to keep him for as long as I could because I didn't want to lose him at the time. Stop being human. And he noticed this...he really did. He accused me of being cold and distant, etc. and I told him why, but he just told me he didn't feel like I needed him. I suppose my independence was born out of being beaten into a shell.

Things were bad. I didn't know what kind of damage this would do, but it was coping with a bad situation. A defense mechanism to deal with rejection. I had built a wall around myself to protect myself from him. It was working well until it wasn't.

During therapy, she was explaining how I can express myself without just coming out and saying, "I'm so in love with you. Let's elope and have 400 children and live in a pyramid in Egypt while we live off of camel's milk." Nah...I would never say that. Ever. Instead she suggested hinting at it, "Why do you look at me that way?" or "You know, when you look at me that way it makes my heart...blah blah..." She wants me to open up.

When she was saying these things to me, even as a woman and as a therapist, I felt fear. This was when I finally had my strongest moment of everything I've been fighting for and against just slap me in the face. I made it somewhere. I guess therapy does work. It just doesn't work the way you want it to or when you need it the most.

I nearly had a panic attack, not at the fact that she said these things as in being in the context of myself, but the fact that I could reverse it and hear someone, anyone, saying those things to me.

"I don't want to be vulnerable," I interrupted. "I can't say ANYTHING like that. I don't want anyone to really know how I feel. I hate that. And I don't want anyone telling me how they feel! After this whole casual relationship ends I'll just opt for one night stands!" I shrieked. And I realized what I had said. She stared at me like we had finally gotten somewhere. FINALLY! We can work on a problem that doesn't concern someone else. The clock was winding down...and this all happened well into the next hour. It was time to go. "What do I do now?" I asked her. And she smiled at me. "We will figure it out. And you don't know what will happen. You have to live through it."

On the flip side, she was proud I showed some of myself I haven't been able to before, even if it was tiny. For instance, just telling him I care, or telling him I fear I'd never see him again.

So, it seems I am the one. I sabotage myself and hold myself back from the things I want so badly. I just never knew how this would affect me and my relationships.

In other news, I am looking for another job again. But what is different is I will work two full-time jobs (although I'm still trying to set up a time for an interview for a part-time job in a law office -- I hope this is the case). Third shift and first shift. I need the money badly. More than I need to sit at home in my jammies or look for hobbies/relationships. It's time to work to secure my own future since I only have myself.

Edited October 24, 2014 by LostInTheWild

October 24, 2014

I really feel like you're me when I read your posts.

The independence thing is such a double edge sword..

On the one hand it's great to have because YOU take control of your life.

On the other hand, some guys seem to feel like they're not needed in your life because, well, you've got your sh*t handled.

I think I've always been slightly rebellious.

My dad and I fought ALL the time because I was just so stubborn.

My dad was totally emotionally abusive though, which he knows now, but at the time my coping mechanism was to shut down and let him yell at me and tune him out.

That was it, though. Once that happened, I struggled showing any type of "weak" emotions.

Even being elatedly happy was hard because that requires losing some control, so to speak.

I hate it. And I love it. All at the same time.

But I think it attracts all the wrong guys.

I just don't trust myself when I choose the men in my life.

Which makes me cringe at the idea of being vulnerable with them and telling them how much Im actually in love with them.

It's almost like I subconsciously know that's going to end everything.

It's like the elusiveness of the relationship is what makes it work, and inevitably its also what makes it bound to fail.

But maybe that's my own fears at play.

If you expect it to fail, you're less likely to be completely shattered when it does?

Sounds like you're getting somewhere, though, with the therapist.

Can't wait to hear where that leads you. I'm hoping all good places.

Edited October 24, 2014 by HereAndThenGone

October 26, 2014

Here, you are exceptionally right. I do feel that we are similar based on what you've described as my father and I had a similar relationship. Although, he was even more abusive in that when my sensitivity got the best of me, he told me not to cry. I was raised in a man's world. I was not allowed to be sensitive. When I did open up with my ex, I completely had let that go and thought I'd try to be vulnerable. That sense of trusting someone with my emotions did not last long. At all.

Which is why I''m here writing this, after my friend has long since been passed out on my sofa. We had discussed this briefly and I realized I've already thought of every scenario about opening up to The European. This will teach me to break free if I decide to do it. And as it gets colder and lonelier out here, in the woods, on the soft earth, with the wooden sticks and the evergreens, I find it's getting harder to do as I bury myself deeper into the warmth of the ground that continuously keeps me from finding what I've lost. Digging. Searching. I have yet to find that something. I am still lost. I haven't lost my emotions, but I can't seem to find the words to put them where they belong. To make a right out of everything. Make it right no matter the outcome.

I've been reading steadily about many things that have taught me a lot. I have felt a lot and have related a lot with what I've absorbed. It seems that I am on the cusp at this point in time, where I won't be able to hold anything in much longer. I hope I'll never have to release my grip on reality. My reality is that I know what I know. I know what will happen, instinctively, simply because I expect everything I try to fail. Simply because it's just an easier reality to accept. This prevents disappointment, as Here has mentioned. Which is why I've spent nearly an entire year in a shell. Hiding. It's easy. And less hurtful.

I'm still wrestling with this; the outcome will be the outcome, but the decision to set into the effect this will have is even more daunting. It must be done. It is almost 2015 and I can no longer have my heart floating around somewhere. I have to own it and claim my independence. Soon. I hope this is soon. I have to pull this from my chest and plant it into the land and say, "I own this." But when? My fear of rejection is unwavering, but I feel I've lost so many in my life this year -- really, what is one more? I can fight a nasty fight with my mother and watch her leave, not stop her, and sleep like a baby. REALLY, what is one more? I have lost those I care about, but what else is there? What else is there to lose? Nothing...except my heart, which I can piece back together with some tape and carry on, like I have been. Nothing lost, nothing gained.He can be another picture in my phone I skim over without thinking a second thought, like my ex.

Yes, I still have his pictures. I don't want to forget. It's not the memories, it's the experience.

Scenario One:

He comes here and before I touch a drink I say, "Look, I don't really like making myself vulnerable. I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but I just want you to know I don't expect anything. But I want you to know I really do like you." And I'll say this while looking him dead in the face.

He will look at me, half-puzzled and half-astonished. Then he will take a sip of his drink and change the subject. I will know it has been heard and he will too. My victory will be that I've opened up. That is all I will win, for we will carry on with the evening and I either will or will not hear from him again, to carry on like it never was said. And that will make it easier to make my decision.

{Most Likely}

Scenario Two:

I will say the same thing (this wont change much).

I will engage him when he tries to change the subject. I will hold my ground to establish what he actually feels. And he will give me the honest truth of what he thinks of this, which will be nothing more that the superficiality I've written about. Case closed.

I imagine myself either asking him to leave (least likely) or having him like usual, then never speaking to him (or each other) again (most likely).

{Somewhat Likely}

Scenario Three:

I will say what I feel, like the above.

He will acknowledge this and try to convince me that this is wrong. He will make me feel that my feelings are wrong like so many men I've dated have. Things will continue as usual until I get tired of it.

{Somewhat Likely}

Scenario Four:

Same thing.

This time he will just leave.

{Least Likely}

Scenario Five:

I say in jest, "I really do like you." And I continue on.

He thinks it over and feelings intensify on his end, but never fully reach fruition. Things continue as they are. Me guessing.

{Likely, Though I will not presume to assume what one feels}

Scenario Six:

I say the same thing in jest.

He can either ignore it or interrupt me.

Either way it will remain the same.

{Likely}

Scenario Seven:

I say the same.

He confesses feelings. We figure things out. We try it.

{Least Likely -- In fact, this shouldn't even exist here on this thread}

So when my friend from high school suggested that I don't know that he will reject me, this is what I came up with. This is what I know to be true. This is to prevent disappointment and sadness, but this is also going to help with facing reality. The reality is, he would have done it long ago if he thought I was the one or at least, a good catch. He doesn't. He never said he didn't want a relationship, but the way he treats my questions and such just suspends me in the air, knowing, feeling, the fun. Love doesn't exist in his world so I dare not say it, but it exists in mine.

A conversation COULD ensue, but it is highly unlikely. Highly unlikely.

I have to put my feelings away and bury them in my heart when I go to tell him. In a direct manner, I can explain this as if nothing has changed except the fact that I like him more. And that's when it will break down. After seeing his reaction I'm not even sure I'd be able to continue. Knowing the outcome will help.

I just have to prepare myself over and over again for the rejection. Even if it means he will walk, or even if it means I refuse him from that point on. Whatever I'm ready for. Preparation is hard for me. It is hard to build a mask to shield hurt, but I can do it. I know that each day I think about this, I get better at building a mask to suit myself and hide the pain he will cause.

I can cry in quiet. Like I did the first time I thought I'd lost him.

October 29, 2014

Destiny turned her face,

Nightmares and violent shapes,

State of dreaming,

Has left me numb.

Blue eyes with wandering lips,

True lies with fingertips,

Hidden tales of forbidden

Love,

You've left me miserable,

Miserable,

Miserable,

Mis-er-a-ble.

Love,

You've left me miserable,

Miserable,

Miserable,

Mis-er-a-ble.

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Visions of better times,

Kingdoms and lilac wine.

Why did God fail

To improve us?

Teardrops of acid rain,

Burning down through my veins.

Can't I just sleep for now?

Now,

Despite my fears,

I dance for you,

And did what others knew.

I,

Would care,

Would wait,

And live again.

More desperate,

Desperate.

Yeah!

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

YEAH!

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

(Now despite my fears I dance for you)

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

(I would care would wait and live again)

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Maybe we're just sleepwalking.

Sleepwalking-The Chain Gang of 1974

October 30, 2014

Antsy. Anxious. Waiting. Wanting. I wanted the answer to my question. "Are we still on for the 8th? Looking forward to seeing you.."

Nothing. Nada. Waiting...

So I asked the guy from work for advice. I think he's sick of hearing it by now...Six months of, "Well, what should I do? How should I word this?" And he gave me some insight. Two days later I sent the text pointing out he hadn't responded and I needed to know if he was coming or not, and if he wasn't, that's okay too.

Waiting...And thinking, "If I don't hear from him this time I'm giving up completely..."

Then, a response. I was expecting him to back out and tell me that he wouldn't be able to make it. I really was. So at lunch I had resigned myself to some phone games while listening to music. I wanted to keep my mind off it. I was mid-game when I received a text explaining that he was sorry he didn't respond earlier; he's busy with renovating his host mom's basement until 1-2 in the morning each day; he is so busy trying to get ready for his new job that now starts on the 10th instead of the 3rd and it's a long pre-employment process; he has to go shopping and he will ask his boss to take off Friday even though he was supposed to work the entire week, to get all this done, and he definitely will be able to make it on Saturday.

I smiled. It made me happy. Although he gave me a lot of **** to sift through to get to the answer and excuses I didn't ask for, it gave me a view through a little window into his world. I'm not sure if it's all true but it is what it is. I don't really understand why he would need to lie about it, seeing as he did tell me he canceled his trip to Kentucky because of the renovations. I don't know what to believe, but I don't feel like he's bull ****ting me. Although I do know when people lie, they give you something you didn't ask for. I'm keeping an eye out. For what? I don't know. He is entitled to tell his stories as he wishes. For now, I view this as him being open until proven otherwise. Can't live my life being suspicious.

I gave him a quick cheer, told him I was excited and that I understood. Blah, blah, blah. Told him some stuff about what's going on in my world, about my interview and how I was late! I told him about language lessons my company will be offering! Soooo exciting...So yeah, but I left out one thing...I'm going to be learning to speak Spanish too! My friend is going to teach me. I want to use it to get a better job. In my job search, I've found there are a lot of requests for a second language. This could help me. And I can speak it with him too, which I think he'd find refreshing being that although he likes to practice his English, I'm sure he likes speaking various languages.

He told me about a time when he was late for not ONE, but TWO interviews with the same company and on the THIRD interview they offered him the job (!!!!!!!!!) and he declined it!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! He asked me why I was late (TRAFFIC!!! AND I LEFT WORK EARLY!!!!) and peppered me with questions about the interview. Before long, I figured I'd give him an out, wished him a nice week and put my phone down. As I went inside, another text, and another, and I went to check the time...I had about two hours of work left. He kept it rolling. I felt like I got the attention I needed from him and continued on with work. It wasn't anything exciting that we did talk about - in fact, it was a real snoozer, but the conversation was about me.

I try not to let myself get excited about this. I try not to read into anything. My therapist doesn't urge me to tell him how I feel, but she gives me things to think about. She knows I'm lost in feeling and thought, yet she encourages it because it's the first time in a very long time I've felt this way about someone and have been open about it to everyone except for him. She thinks this is healthy. I, for one, do not. "But I've fallen in love with someone who can't love..." I whined. "I don't know how ANYONE could possibly know that about themselves," she said, visibly agitated because she didn't have her nicorette gum to chew. I almost offered her a cigarette. Hell, I almost lit one up in he office because I was tense and agitated too.

Her mantra is basically to tell me to "follow the journey; it will take you where you need to go." But what if I make the wrong move that sets me back 10 more years? Like this? This will haunt me the rest of my life. I know it will. "Well, you will always look back fondly and remember these good times you had, which is great because you can always experience new people," she explained. I understood her, but how can this be? I had smashed the flames of emerging love for him before and grew to miss him terribly, then he was just a mere squeak in my thoughts that brought a slick smile to my face and then BOOM! He appeared again. This time, the more I'm around him, the more I talk to him, the more I want more. But how can I require that from him? HOW? He has his own world. He has his own life. And he is too far away. I could never ask for commitment, even if there was a small chance in hell he feels the same way. It would feel like caging a bird that is so beautiful you know it should be free, but you greedily hold onto it, just to enjoy it's beauty every day. Or maybe I'm just too selfless and selfish and just a rotten lady for even thinking this way.

But what about my happiness? Sure, my life is sort of filling up lately and I'm glad, but nothing is stopping me from having him in my thoughts and hoping to see him each and every time he says he will come. Each and every time he never sets a date. Each and every time I am left wanting more. How does he do that? "He treats me well. He is so gentle with me. Even when I act like I'm less than a lady, he never treats me like I'm not. He is so respectful and kind. I'm afraid there aren't many men out there like this. He is so unique," I rambled on to my therapist. Sometimes I swear I almost make her cry.

So lately, I've been considering the different ways of how I want to drop the bomb on him. In the heat of the moment just come out and say, "I'm so crazy about you..." I shake my head and quiver...that's horrible. When he first gets here, "I've missed you..." that one makes me nauseous. But I think I've found one that will fit, "I know some things don't need to be said, but you know how I feel, don't you?" He would agree, most definitely, and I could continue quietly, "Good. I just want you to know that." I kind of like to be vague sometimes. End of story and continue with the way things are. I think that's all I can tolerate now. At the minimum, I could rest, finally.

Now, however, I'm putting on the brakes. I'm pressing them hard. I'm thinking I should wait. Wait for what? Wait until I run out of time, wait until it's too late, or wait until he tires of me and disappears. "What do you think?" I asked my therapist. "I think it's definitely evolving. Obviously you two have some chemistry." she said with a smirk. Yeah, maybe so. But something is going to happen that is inevitable. Guess I've got to be patient and ride this one out. Hopefully it won't be too much longer. I'm nearing the point where I can't stand to have another man touch me even though I want him to.

November 5, 2014

I'm new on this forum. Yours is about the third thread I happened upon and I've been reading for the last few days.....every post. I swear you've been speaking (writing) right from my soul. I thought I was the only one who had thoughts like this or felt like this. Your story has had me crying laughing at some points and just plain crying at others. I never had anyone to share this kind of stuff with, not even an Internet forum. I wonder how different my life would be if I had.

I know it might not feel that way sometimes but this is so good for you to get it out, make it real, sort it out in real time rather than holding it all in. Thank you for sharing it all and being raw here. You have given me hope that maybe I can do the same one day...somewhere.

BTW: I hope all goes well on the 8th.

November 10, 2014

Nice to see you here, WhatWeHad. I'm glad you can relate and it's nice to hear (read) that. It's not easy being open and honest in real-time, but here, it's easy. Nobody knows who I am. Feel free to comment on anything or ask questions if you have any. Most people just enjoy the show, I presume, and grab some popcorn when they have a free moment to read my long, sullen stories.

Moonshine:

I was having a really bad day. I woke up that way on Wednesday. I got home after work and sat upstairs on the sun porch with a glass of leftover moonshine from the Halloween weekend I'd vowed to never touch again because it made me mean. "I'll just have a few glasses and pass out - that's what I need to do right now," I thought to myself. My eyes wrinkled at the horrible taste. After all, this was the store bought moonshine - not really moonshine at all.

I reflected on my day. It seemed I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and continued receiving blow after blow the rest of the day. I called my good friend who I moved away from and we talked about her life and how she is movig to another country in January. Great...Then I told her about my horrible day, but she had to cut me off during the most important part. She had to feed her kids.

I thought about this some more. Do I really want to tell my high school friend about this issue? He had all but attacked me the other night, telling me what I'm doing wrong, what I should do, what I shouldn't do, and how he didn't want to see me get hurt, etc.

Now, I sat outside on the steps leading into the river. It was so close that I could have fallen in. And I was depressed enough to let it go. I don't know why. I was not happy with anything that day. So I fired off a text message to him telling him what had happened and that he should be excited about it. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Yeah, if I don't get fired, too, I'll be okay." I responded.

I drank a lot of moonshine. A lot. And I was just chatting normally on the phone with my friend, giving him my usual spiel about how I hate my life, etc. And he appeared behind me when I started crying. I did not ask him to come and I wasn't talking about jumping in the river before he got there. I guess he thought I needed a friend.

Well, I'm not really pleased to report that he is absolutely furious with me for this night (and I laugh as I type this because he's done some crappy things to me, too). Let thee cast thy first stoneth...I love people who think they are levels above me in some way and who come over even though I do not request company (**** don't stink -- i.e. rainbows shining out of the ass, oh yeah -- perfect). That is why I am calling...not to have a visitor. I'm aware my day was crappy and I choose to sit around and pout about it.

Well, he got involved and apparently I forgot how to act like a human being considering I drank 3/4 of a jar of fake moonshine. Hey, I drunk dialed a couple of people and went to sleep, happy as a clam. I even had a good chuckle about my leftover crab cakes we went out to get. I'm sure by that point I was completely incoherent, so I'm proud of myself for being able to save a few chunks of crab cakes sandwiches by packing them in scattered bit in a box. It was also funny because it wasn't anything worth saving.

"Ah well, I'm sure he's mad..." I said the next morning, closing the refridgerator, tossing the nearly-empty box of unrecognizable sandwich, and I left for work.

I'm considering him to be completely eclipsed from my life with the help of the moonshine. I'm not very sure I've had anyone be so hard on me other than myself, so it's not really his place to judge. And I don't miss him. I'm not sure why, our friendship was okay, but I don't miss him. Is that weird?

November 10, 2014

Wallpaper:

I stood in my bedroom on Saturday morning. I've really grown to hate the wallpaper in there and decided to embark on a journey of remodeling. Change is good. Removing wallpaper is not. I pulled a piece up. "Why did I start this?" I thought.

My life is like an ugly joke, ugly wallpaper, and a grueling process of tearing it down, making it the way I think it should be. I had spent Friday night drinking at a bar with my dad and his new motorcycle gang of companions. It keeps him busy. He likes it and they help the community. I liked them and bonded with a woman I admired. She stayed in a marriage for 17 years she was unhappy in. She's still with him. They have separate lives and no children. She knows many women who have never married. See the theme here? All in all, it was a fun time. A guy hit on me by telling me other guys would hit on me because I'm beautiful. Gee, thanks man.

My mom calls as I stood eyeing the frightful mess I'd made of the wall. I was directionless, not knowing what color I should even paint it. Confused as to why I'd just created a project for myself. Why???

My mom asked if I'd like to spend the day with her. At first I was apprehensive. I don't like hanging out with her because she talks about money and clothes all the time. I love her, but we do not get along at all. She annoys me. And I will regret that. Always.

"Ehh, let's eat and see a movie," I suggest. And she obliges. I wound up broke because we have to stop and see this and that, get a good deal, and talk about how we don't have money. The movie was good though. And she must be used to dealing with banks and money all the time because she never takes no for an answer. I literally wind up angry because I have to snap at her. Part of me probably even resents her for having me. I wish I were never born.

At work, my bubbly, pleasant demeanor suffers. I stand in the break room staring off into space while keurig doses my mug preparing me for another hour or so of figuring out inventory issues. It's stressful. I get stressed in my personal life and at work. I am mad all the time and I can no longer control my f bombs. I zone out at the computer screen. I resent my company because I can either try to enjoy this stressful work that takes me two hours to complete and then I'm on my own, or I can be bored. I've mentioned this before. They offer me nothing else to do so that even when I want to immerse myself in my job I can't. There's no work.

My friend told me the other day she can tell. Every day I seem more unhappy and angrier. I believe her. I've stopped caring again over the past two weeks and I struggle to get out of bed most mornings knowing that my life is going nowhere.

Today she told me about her friend's breakup. Her advice to her was, "You're pretty, smart, and you will find someone else." I shook my head in disagreement, "I don't know about that. I've stopped telling people they'll find someone. Not everyone does. Look at me." And we finally had a disagreement. She believes there is someone for everyone and those who are single up in there years are that way because that's there choice. I disagree, wholeheartedly. But then again, it's easy to sit there and say that. It's easy to say that when you are in the process of getting to know someone and you have someone like she is and does. It's easy to say that when you haven't seen what I've seen. I may choose wrong often, but out of all the men, I feel maybe two were genuine, they just weren't for me. Those are scary odds.

I told her I just think it's better to compartmentalize my life and not discuss me being single ever again. We can't change it, as she said, so I suggested to not rehash it again. A big decision for me. And I meant it because I know she's tired of hearing it. Hey, she's got her beau now so she's at the end of her struggles and doesn't care to hear me anymore. Fine. I've decided today, officially, my personal life will remain personal. Nobody is allowed to know about it again. No one. I am shutting that down and pushing that boat out to sea. I can be the worlds best listener because I won't have much to say.

So anyway, Sunday rolls around and I finish peeling more wallpaper off. My room looks dreadful and shabby. I wish I hadn't started it but it must be done. I will begin painting it near the end of this month and make mirrors to grace the walls that will be covered in fresh paint. A change. Another change. I also started reading to keep my mind off my problems and the book is good enough to hold me there, captivated until I have to start my next day. Day in and day out. Hopefully by the time I'm done with the trilogy my life won't be as problematic. Or maybe I'll glance up from the pages and remember what life should be. Maybe I can learn to appreciate it for what it is.

November 10, 2014

Prayer:

Someone stole my damn flashlight off my table in the backyard. I grumble as I fidget in the dark using my phone to spot it. Why does this happen? Can't anyone just leave me the hell alone? I grab a rusty hammer off the bench to help me remove some curtain thing that's blocking my path to the removal of the wallpaper. It takes me an hour. That thing must have been drilled into the wall and I'm small, weak, standing on a chair. Praying for a man to jump out of the closet to help. After several tries, near-hip breaking falls, I get it. Now there's a hole to fill. Nothing new.

By now you know what has happened. He never came. He texted me in the high point of my bull **** Wednesday to say, "Hey honey, I'm not going to be able to make it since there's a birthday party going on my friend reminded me about in NYC on Friday so I won't be able to make it Saturday either."

I took a look at my phone as I'm standing there with my friend thinking, "Honey!" And I stuff my phone in my pocket, take it out again because I know something must be wrong and I get that. Really? I say nothing to my friend. I just roll with it, seething.

I get to my desk and read it. "Well that's too bad. I can't do weekdays anymore. Sorry." He suggests Sunday during the day because he really wants to see me and I want to knock his pretty, little teeth out. I ask him what we could possibly do on a Sunday and chew him out with, "I am very displeased. If you want to see me and you make plans you should keep them." No response.

Nada. Until I drank myself into a coma that night. I tried to drunk dial him but got his number wrong. Thank god I don't know it by heart. Haha. Wow, I can only imagine what is say. So I texted him, pressing him for a response. The next day I had several messages about him reminding me he's renovating the basement (wallpaper, anyone?) and that he really wants to see me. Ok.

He apologized again for the delay and Thursday he told me he has to finish the basement by Tuesday. He had to go shopping for his job on Sunday. I told him I could help him with that but he said he had to finish the basement so that's a big factor in making it on Sunday as well.

I told him I didn't deserve this. If he really wanted to see me I wish he'd find the time to. He suggested next weekend since he'd be done with it by then. I think I sensed frustration in his texts there. I asked for a Friday and he pondered the idea of coming right after work. I told him it felt like I'd never see him again. Actually, I was pretty open this time and it shocked me but I drove some points home like I was his god damn girlfriend. Friday rolled around and I cringed at the thought of the things I'd said. And I was very sober on Thursday. I thought about my feelings then.

They faded.

I'm not going to tell him anything. I don't remember him canceling on me before but this affected me. I can't imagine telling him anything. It makes me cringe. I lay in bed at night, each night since, practicing not feeling anything like I did with my ex. I can't even cry. And best of all I'm numb. I feel safe and competent again. I don't need to blab about him and to those who asked how it went, I told them he never came with a straight face.

I haven't heard from him since that night and I don't expect to. This is what I needed to happen. It's like my prayers have been answered. I don't feel attached to anyone now. I'm free of feeling, but now I'm left wondering...who am I supposed to feel for? Did I purposely blow this out of proportion to chase him away? Is he gone now? This is what I wanted but ultimately it's what I don't want. To feel.

My dreams are vivid again. Most point to simmering emotions that have to be expressed. An overflowing toilet, with him there, and I calmly grab the plunger and fix it. I'm not even upset in that dream. In another, I get whisked away from work by a lady I work with who I can't stand, and she drives me to a store, where I'm wearing my Halloween costume. I proceed to fight with a girl over doughnuts. She wanted to know the flavors and was being rude to the cashier. But I remember the most haunting image of her groceries lying on the counter: two hard boiled eggs, and one cup of honey in a measuring cup. I'm raped in the back of the store, late for work, arrive at a busy intersection, and stop at a farm. I drink the purest water I've ever had. And I hold onto a pig thinking about how much trouble I'll be in when I get back to work. Sounds like my waking life already. I awoke with fear that I had missed work and comforted myself, telling myself it was Sunday and it was okay to sleep longer.

Today I was quiet at work. I don't know how no one notices it. I hide at my desk so no one will talk to me. I don't want them to know what I'm really thinking. I pray these feelings go away. And strangely, I can smell him on me.

Edited November 10, 2014 by LostInTheWild

November 12, 2014

I've made it through another day.

My guy friend, the guru, told me I looked sad as I hurriedly shuffled by him. My stride is now a statement these days. It tells people how I feel about myself.

I told him I'm fine.

I finally have work to do. I immerse myself in that. It brings me stress and joy. Before I know it, only zoning out once and quickly whisking away tears I have no idea where they hailed from. Then lunch comes and I'm relieved. Almost done.

My friend tells me she will have to skip lunches this week and I frown, thinking she's backing out of our friendship. I wouldn't want to be my friend either anymore. But no, she's going to prepare a Spanish lesson for me to begin training. "One more lunch this week?" I emailed her. She obliged. And I knew I missed being her friend.

We sat on the tracks and with relationship talk buried in my chest, never to come out again, I slip into the ease of being me. Like nothing is wrong. It's good to hear her laughing at my jokes again. I quickly turn on my superior because he annoys me and makes me a funny person. Special thanks to him for being a good tool for joking purposes.

Lunch is done. I eat candy. I'm immediately disappointed because it makes me hyper along with my ten cups of coffee (hey, it's free). I want to close up and stay closed, but it's hard. I feel ashamed for joking and flashing my smile several times today. This is not what I had in mind. I've betrayed my emotions.

Another break rolls around and I'm sitting outside with my buddy from another department. I've been dry with him for over a week and finally we had our daily bitchfest and caught up. I think he missed that. He stayed with me the whole time. I'm glad he only talks about work.

I want to fade into the background. I got home and decided to run at dusk when the creeps and homeless are out, read some more (finished the first book) and took a shower. How can I continue like this? I rubbed lotion over my aging skin. "I don't care anymore, but I really like this lotion," I thought.

And now I'm mad. I'm going to finish all these books by the end of this week. What will I do then?

Success-being personable without being personal. A lady likes to gab on and on about her life to me and I practice listening. It's great. I need to be around more people like her.

November 13, 2014

Hello Lostinthewild! You've kept me up the last two nights, I've been reading your thread like a novel and went to bed way too late. Which is no problem, because for the moment I never fall asleep immediately anyway... I'm at page 16 or so, you just said somewhere that The European is "a moron", curious why that is so ;-)

All the best for you, will keep on reading tonight I guess (stuck at work now...). And whatever you do, hang in there Thanks for sharing your story.

November 15, 2014

I did it!

The sweet taste of freedom kissed me and a revelation flashed quickly through my mind.

The European dropped me off at my house and left. He's on his way home now. He got out of his car to kiss me and hug me before he left.

"I will miss you..." I whispered into his kiss and he moaned assurance against my lips then kissed me deeply. My story is funny. One minute I feel like sending him kicking rocks and the next I'm completely enamored...

Anyway, I hugged him tightly after giving my neighbors something to think about as the cool air kissed my face and rustled through my hair. We parted and there were no promises of seeing each other again. Only a knowing smile.

I approached my house and stood on my new welcome mat. "Live, Laugh, Love." The tired, overused quote. So cliche. But in this moment, it meant something to me. I did all three of those things. I was that person. I was her. I can be her again.

I grabbed my mail flooding my mailbox and launched the door open. I settled in to finish reading my book. "But not before I send a carefully crafted text message," I murmured to myself, the words filling me with delight and contentment. At the old age of 27, I have found my voice, even if it was done hiding behind technology.

I knew what it would mean when I sent this to him, knowing he's driving, unable to respond, and knowing I won't get a response. Knowing i may never hear from him again.

I pulled out my phone and typed it up while using the bathroom. This is where my best thinking is done. I smiled as I thought about this. He doesn't care about anything I say. I doubt he would even care that I said what I said.

"Hey..." Crap...what should I say...how do I say this...here we go...

"I probably should have told you this in person," Damn right I should have! "but I really wanted to think about think about this first." Now what? Crap...Think: no pressure. "I'm not expecting anything, but I do have feelings for you. I thought you should know how happy you make me feel. I don't know how that's possible because I don't really know you that well but I do know that I have a really good time with you. Have a great week. Congratulations again on your job and don't worry so much. Stay out of your head. Cheers!"

It's long overdue. I did it...finally.

Live:

He texted me Friday before work was about wrapped up. He asked if we were still on for the evening...He always does this...He startles me. I was expecting a text from my friend at that point and I saw his name flash across my screen. 'What time are you coming up?" I responded.

He got to my house before I did. I was out, buying beer and enjoyed one while I waited. I arrived home and he was waiting in his car. I approached the car from the rear and knocked on the hood. He got out and was speaking Serbian to some unknown on the the other line on his phone. Hot! Please kiss me with those lips that speak so many different languages. Yum...Wait a second...I'm still mad, right? No I'm not mad. I am throwing in the towel. It's not like I'm his girlfriend.

We talked about work and updated each other on our lives. I straddled his lap started kissing him. I wanted this. I missed this. I yearned for this moment for a month. He pulled my hair effectively pulling my head back so he had access to my hair. "You drive me so crazy," he whispered. I kept going and then stopped and started giggling. I flopped on my back on the couch and he dove on top of me. "I missed you," he said, looking into my eyes. "I missed you too," I said, coyly, looking up at him. Then he kissed me. I stopped because we were supposed to be going out.

Then I called us a taxi. It was funny because the dispatcher hung up on me. I called him back and he did it again. It was so obnoxious but I was ready to flip out on him when the taxi pulled up.

I grabbed my coat, finished my beer, and we left.

Laugh:

We got to the bar and stood outside to smoke. It was a really cold night and I started shivering. I noticed the familiarity between us.

"You really made that ride uncomfortable," he laughed. "That guy was so embarrassed."

I laughed, "Well, I think it's funny!! I didn't want him to be bored. Then I recalled what I said while entering the taxi..."Nice hunter-patterned seat covers you have back here. You like to hunt? That dispatcher was a jerk. He hung up on me. Hey, turn that song up! It's a great song!! Woo hoo!! You're so cool! Do you have a card so we can call you to pick us up when we are done? Cool! Thanks!"

It wasn't that bad! "Haha, I mean you were talking to him like you knew him," he clarified. I remember he was laughing at my hunter seat cover comment.

We sat at the bar and had appetizers, a few drinks, talked a little more, laughed with the waitress. He seemed distracted though, and it threw me off. I was expecting him to be more loving like last time, but he wasn't. I never know what is really on his mind, but I suspect there is someone else he is thinking of. Maybe the other person was worried about where he was? Something is amiss here, but I ignored it. That is his life to live, not mine. He is not mine.

I don't dwell on the thought. He was here. I missed him. And we were going to make the best of this night.

Love:

We briskly walked to the pizza shop. I had my hood up, gloves on, wandering around, not really hungry when we walked in. There was an old man sitting at a table alone. "I like your shoes!!!" He shouted as I approached. "Well, thank you," I replied. And he takes it up another notch, which should never be done in my presence because I will run with it. "I wish I had a pair for myself." He frowns. "Well, sir, I would kill to see you in them. I would love to see you wearing them in pink, purple, and green!" I laugh at him.

"You are so beautiful." He looks up at me, then down, then his eyes meet mine for an intense stare. I'm uncomfortable at this point but I don't show it. The European is at the counter preparing to order and calls for my attention. We quickly decide on something and settle into our seats at a table not far from the old man.

The old man comes over to tell me how lovely he thinks I am and to my surprise, sits down and starts chatting with me and The European. He tells me about his travels through life and tells me I should not live here. I should move to a bigger city because I can accomplish more. He tells me I should go to New York, Baltimore, and some other place I can't remember. "I've already taken her there," The European admits with a smirk directed towards me. Oh yes I've been there all right...

"You take care of this beautiful woman," the old man scolds him. I blush but luckily no one is looking at me. I wonder what is crossing his mind now...surprise? This old man thinks we are together and we aren't, but The European doesn't say we aren't, to clarify, not like he owes this old guy an explanation anyhow. "You are a VERY lucky man." He states. The European nods at him and shakes his hand. Just then I think we are out of the clear when the old man stands up, but oh no, he wants me to take my hood off to see my beautiful hair and I refuse. I tell him my hair is pink. It's black, but hey, it's my night and I can lie to whom I please. The old man walks away and I take my hood off.

"OH WOW!" He sounds excited and comes back over to the table. He pulls out a paper and a PEN to draw me. This was the most intense experience of my life. I sat there, gazing into his eyes with all the feeling I could muster, with everything I had and I held my pose.

He drew one line and The European and I agreed later that we thought the picture would look like complete crap, but he was one who had many talents. He can draw. "That doesn't look like me," I mumbled grumpily as he drew my nose. "Yes it does," The European corrected. I realized how I see myself and how others see me are two different things.

"You really should enjoy your beauty now because when you're old like me, nothing else matters except your personality. In fact, you should find love now...find that person who will comfort you and love you the rest of your life..." he trails off and picks back up, "I can see you know what you're doing...[he takes my hand] right from your shoes up to your eyebrows. You know how to dress yourself. You shouldn't be here in this city," he challenges.

"I don't believe love exists," I say sternly, immediately regretting it but never flinching when both (!) men correct me. "It does exist. It does matter," The European says.

Wow, so out of the blue, this old man comes out of nowhere and draws me, pointing out my beauty in front of the man I feel for (sometimes, when I'm not mad) who doesn't feel the same for me, yet won't correct this man who thinks we are together, and justifies all this by telling me he thinks the old man was great at some point in life, then lost it all.

The pizza is cold and we have sat with him for an hour and a half, patiently and listening to his wisdom all the while. He is done with the drawinf and I offer him nicotine as his source of payment. We leave and stand outside smoking.

The old man comes out, brazen as ever, walking by laughing with glee that he has a cigarette to smoke, and yelling, "This is a beautiful woman! You are such a lucky man. If you don't marry her you are CRAZY!" And my jaw dropped, then a smile sprung up across my face. My heart wanted to hug this old nut job, for in that moment, I think The European had never considered me a mate before. Yet there, by the grace of some force, this surprising old character just throws this in his face to think about. I never had to lift a finger to get the wheels turning. It was like meeting my alter ego, the outspoken one, just telling people what they really think. I was elated and relieved. The European just laughed it off. I wanted to shrink into a tiny ant when the old man walked away.

He carried the pizza with us and we walked into a ritzy, new bar where we enjoyed some cocktails until closing hour, and he even bought the staff drinks. I can do nothing but marvel at his worldliness. He is so smart, outgoing, and a talented conversationalist. Everything I am not. I shake this thought quickly and hide in my mind while he socializes and I sit talking to another bartender.

We take a taxi home, witness a car accident on the way, and we spend the night ravaging each other. I'm not sure what all we did, but I know we did a lot. My sheets are stained and my comforter is soiled. I will have to wash these things. Morning came and he was lying next to me. I ran to the bathroom and got back into bed. I wrapped myself around him and began massaging his back and running my fingers through his hair. He woke up and muttered some crap about leaving after breakfast. I just gazed at him.

He went to the bathroom and returned to spoon me. He began caressing my body, kissing my neck, biting my shoulder and rubbing me. I knew it was time.

"Oh...you drive me so crazy. ****...****..." he moaned. My ears perked up...He's saying my name? In the throws of passion? Another new one.

I tried to get him to take a shower with me, but he was hesitant. Finally, he obliged as I howled his name while turning on the shower, feigning anger. "Get your ass in here! Now!" I giggled. "Okay, I'm coming," I hear him down the hall, not sounding thrilled at all.

We get in...our first shower together. I put my head under the water and he grumbles, "You're washing your hair? This is going to take forever!" And I laugh at him because I know I'm keeping him from leaving. "My hair is naturally curly, you know?" I say as I lean back into the water once more. I introduce him to several beauty products...Coconut oil conditioner that makes his brillo pad hair instantly soft, face wash, body wash...we get out and I giggle again, "I'm going to butter you up and send you home. Lotion for your face? Here, let me put this in your hair..." And he lets me... "Here's some lotion for your dry hands," I squeeze the tube and he rubs the lotion into his hands. He pulls his clothes on and inspects the tube. I know he likes the lotion. He is suffering from dry hands. I hand him his toothbrush and we brush our teeth. It's awesome what having time means...

"You're going with wet hair?" He asks, concerned. "Yes, why?" I return. "Well, I don't want you to get sick..." He says. Hehe...

We drive around seeking a place to eat, but settle for coffee and sandwiches. In the car, he plays the song we listened to when I first met him. Have we come full circle now? We sit in a crowded area. I ask him if he had a good time...if he'd like to do it again, and he looks genuinely satisfied, telling me he had a really good time and he will let me know when he can do it again. He seemed antsy, ready to go home and tackle his day since his job hasn't started yet. "So, did you get in trouble for being late? Is that why you can't do weekdays anymore?" He asks me. "No, I just don't want to show up to work like I did the last time. I had makeup smeared on my face and someone said it looked my eyes were bleeding while I stood at the water cooler half the day." I think he is really making a big deal about this, and it's obvious he doesn't like that I changed the dynamics because he keeps questioning me about it. "I'm just getting too old for that." I remind him. "Yeah, I don't think weekdays will work anymore for me either because I will be working so far away." He adds.

We finish up and I ask him to see pictures of the basement. He obliges and we talk about that, lingering for a while longer. I get in his car and the anxiety is eating away at me. Should I tell him I will miss him? I miss him already and he is still here. There is never enough time. I think while searching the river for some answer. For some hope. Is our compatibility lacking? I think and I think and before I know it, I am home. I look at his door handle, longingly, knowing this is it...

So, I told him. He knows now. If he isn't afraid of me after that, like I have cooties or something, and he comes to see me again...I'm sure he will mention it. I guarantee he will. And seeing him again will be awkward after my latest reveal...

November 15, 2014

Hello Lostinthewild! You've kept me up the last two nights, I've been reading your thread like a novel and went to bed way too late. Which is no problem, because for the moment I never fall asleep immediately anyway... I'm at page 16 or so, you just said somewhere that The European is "a moron", curious why that is so ;-)

All the best for you, will keep on reading tonight I guess (stuck at work now...). And whatever you do, hang in there Thanks for sharing your story.

Thank you very much. Glad you're enjoying it.

Everyone is a moron when I'm mad at them.

November 16, 2014

Well once again you have me completely captivated. You should really think about writing something to publish; you are very good at it. I'm glad you were able to see the European and you two had fun

November 17, 2014

I'm starting to view my life as a game. A big, glorious game where I play to win and almost always lose. That is, when it pertains to my love life. Everything else is mediocre at best, but I'm floating along in those areas - barely.

My high school friend still has not contacted me and I refuse to contact him. Although nobody should be subject to my drunkenness, he did it, and I'm grateful for his care, but his abandonment has left a bitter taste in my mouth and I've known him for nearly 15 years. This may be the worst thing he's ever done to me...and now, reflecting on this, I don't think I want a friendship with him anymore. I still don't miss him. In fact, I haven't thought of him really since that day.

Oh well, another one bites the dust. Who is next?

I woke up this morning and my mouth was dry...SO dry...It is very unnatural for me to have dry lips. If you looked in my purse you would see that is an extremely important part of my life...moisturizing my lips. I mean, my lips are very full so it has to be done...who in the hell wants to walk around with dry, chapped up lips you can barely smile with? Much to my chagrin, it has happened to me. I looked in the mirror and tried to smile. They're really bad. Then, I smiled inside.

They are chapped because I could barely keep my hands off of him. I kissed him every chance I got. I'll accept this small form of punishment for my longing for his affections. It's worth it.

A full 24 hours later after my text message to him has passed. I don't even really think about it. It's done, I did it, and that also makes me smile inside. I feel pretty brave now, accepting my losses, playing my cards wrong, and still getting a strong satisfaction of telling people what's real. What is on my mind...I want to keep doing this. I want people to know how I feel now. It feels great knowing that they know.

For the first time, I'm not checking my phone to see if he's responded. I don't expect him to contact me again. The feeling is so freeing, like the day I found out my ex was having a child. I feel like I did that day. All of my emotions and feelings toward him vanished and all I was left with was broken hope and freedom. I never wanted to get back with him but the "what if" was always there. And it left that day.

But now I'm faced with a new situation that frightens me to the core. Never seeing him again? No problem, I'll cope somehow even if I don't want that to happen. Hearing from him again? I'm not sure how to handle that. I think I will have a heart attack. I've officially made this awkward for me. If he contacts me again and visits again, this...is going to be like an elephant in the room if we don't discuss it...which I think he would want to. And if he didn't, shouldn't I feel taken advantage of? I don't know...

I thought about this a lot over the past couple of days and have come to the conclusion that not only have I done this because I wanted him to know how I feel, but I wanted to scare him away because I'm afraid of my own feelings. And I know he doesn't feel anything for me, so this was the easiest way to do it.

A nice form of self-sabotage without actually sabotaging anything. I think I do that a lot. A lot of it is unintentional, but I think I do it on purpose on a subconscious level. Creepy...Maybe I do a lot of what I do in order to keep people out. It's easier to cry about what I want to have than it is to actually go and get it.

Edited November 17, 2014 by LostInTheWild

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