Lost In The Wild

February 14, 2015

Less than a week into this I have to say that there is a stark contrast, a real difference, in the way that a man chooses to go about building relationships compared to a man that only wants sex.

I have not experienced this in an extremely long time.

My guard is so high, it feels like in one moment I could dodge anything good that comes into my life by one swift, delicate action. It feels like I should run and hide where it's peaceful in my world, with little emotional investment. I feel like a neglected infant crying so loudly and there is nobody to comfort me. I am absolutely alone.

I...was absolutely alone. Until I met the Pilot. I have no choice but to admit that I feel like I know him already. I feel like we understand each other so well and that is a feeling I have never felt...ever...with anyone. EVER. In his presence, I am so at ease. I can be myself. I can open up. And when I wake up in the morning, I hate myself for letting someone near me, in my head and in my thoughts. I saw him a total of four times during the week (including our initial meeting), and every time I see him, I feel closer and closer to him, yet my exterior grows more chilly and cold. I am so conflicted here.

Deep down to my core, I know this is right. I know this is exactly what I deserve, need, and want - this is what I've been waiting for. He treats me like a princess, or an angel rather, an equal, and like a soul mate. When he kisses me, it warms my chest and neck like he is pulling on my energy. We like the same things, hate the same things, and he has a few OCD tendencies I understand and make fun of and he understands mine. He is goofy...like *I* am. We are goofy together.

He is patient, generous (emotionally and..yeah physically although we haven't had sex), kind, and very loving. He has slept here three nights and each night he holds me until I drift off, rubs my head, and kisses my cheek. He never pushes for sex. He has intellectual conversations with me and shares his history with me; he loves his mother dearly, he has a brother, and a slew of funny coming-of-age tales. Yeah, he shared everything he could and still wants to share more. It's almost like we should be in love now, but we aren't and if things continue this way I don't see how it couldn't happen.

I've never known a man who could give me so much of himself (who he really is) despite not knowing me. Even the way he looks at me is divine, like I'm already special to him in some way. I already feel important to him. When we took that salsa class, I knew. I knew he would try to make me as happy as he possibly could. I knew he was worthy of me. I just felt it. It just clicked. It wasn't a feeling of NEEDING someone to be with me. It was a feeling of him ADDING to my life and just his mere presence did that for me. And I never wanted him to leave my side, or to stop reaching for my hand, or to stop stealing kisses from me. I wanted him to be himself because that is who I was happy with.

And you know what? In private, I relish in the idea that a man like that wants to know me. Really know me. It takes my breath away and I long to see him again. However, even admitting the deepest of the dark of how I feel here - I feel absolutely RIDICULOUS for thinking ANY OF THIS. I feel like I'm going to be taken for a ride somehow and I'm kind of scared that I like someone within. One. Week's. Time. I'm scared I gave too much or not enough or that I'm not doing something right. And I realize this is my greatest insecurity - having a mate who actually wants to be with me as opposed to having a mate that could care less if I was dropped into a tank full of piranhas. I'm usually interested in the latter...but why? Why is it that every guy I come across is unavailable or doesn't care to know me - and I'm fearless...I already know what will happen - and then I meet a guy who wants me and I'm unbelievably terrified...so scared I run into my shell?

I can't figure it out and it's driving me nuts. I have a feeling that if I told him this, he'd understand and he wouldn't recoil. I *know* he wouldn't. He saw my "hubby" text to one of my friends (I stupidly showed him what she was saying and forgot I said that about him) and he was *fine* with it. He is hubby material I just don't think he knows he is. I sense that about him. He is SECURE in himself and KNOWS what he wants. I've never met a man I was interested in that is like him.

So, here I sit, gushing about a man I barely know but want to know. I don't feel lust, but I certainly feel passion towards him. I don't want to jump his bones but I know that if and when I do, it will be great. I don't see him as flighty and I don't think he will run away. He doesn't seem to be after sex at all.

It's almost like I went through what I did to meet my ideal partner. I picked and chose random qualities I LOVED about these men and it's like fate decided that Mint Green wasn't for me that night and decided I had had enough of these ******* losers, then placed the Pilot by my side that night instead. Fate said, "Here is everything you've asked for from all of these men, all rolled into one. You're welcome." It's like...some sick joke. Like this thread is all about my misgivings, follies, and adventures that land me at the same place every time. This time I think I'll be spun around and land in a different place. The place I've been looking for...the escape from my wilderness.

I can't say one bad thing about this man and I am not wearing rose-colored glasses here. I've searched high and low for the faintest smell of bull **** and there is none. I can size up what a man wants really quickly and it just isn't here. It's not here. I can't find anything wrong with him and that means my coping mechanism for pushing people away won't work. I don't want to leave for work in the mornings he stays over...I'd rather stay with him. I'd rather learn more and talk to him more. I don't want him to leave my side.

Which leads me to this: he is a pilot. And right now, he is on his way to another country for a week. This would be my reality. His relationships never worked out for this very reason and I do think he fully expects things to not work out for this reason, just like I don't fully expect things to work out for my own reasons (past experiences). The truth of the matter is I believe this is an excellent lifestyle for me to maintain my autonomy. My friends say, "Wait until you get attached, then it will bother you." But it doesn't bother me now and I can't see it bothering me in the future for this reason: I know he's thinking about me. I know he has been and that he will.

He asked for my picture to show his friends so I sent him one while we were sitting down eating after salsa. Last night I saw him and he told me that he showed his friends and they thought I was good looking (and asked if I had any sisters lol). It surprised me because he looked proud of himself (which was adorable), but it also amazed me that he was excited about me enough to tell his friends about me. He said he told them (when he showed my picture, "This is the girl I'm seeing." So, he doesn't have a problem calling a date a date or mentioning that he's seeing someone. Today at work, I smiled to myself when someone asked me what I was doing for Valentine's Day. "Nothing, nothing at all, but I'm seeing someone (cue long explanation as to why I wasn't celebrating)."

I pulled out my phone and realized how I'd been feeling. And I wanted him to know before he was unable to respond.

Me: "I might just miss you a little."

Less than a minute later...

Him: "I may miss you as well ;)"

We will find out.

February 17, 2015

There is so much beauty in life that it is sometimes too much to take in. The feelings we want to feel, the lives we want to live, and each day that is full of pain and anguish makes the next day even more beautiful. It is worth living. It is worth tasting. It is worth reaching out far and beyond into the realm of dreams and pulling one out you can hold onto yourself. Hold onto it tightly; never let it go; breathe it in. Imagine it. Taste it. This is your reality you've chosen with the dream you're holding and clinging so desperately to. Never let it go. Die with it. Take it to your grave. But never stop believing it can happen to you.

Out in the wild I slept on a log in the brush. The sun shone brightly upon my face and the sound of nothing jarred me awake. Bewildered, I stood up and looked ahead...there was the field of wheat ahead of me. I had worked so hard to get there, running, stumbling around in the forest. The misty-grey days and the bright sun patches, a distant memory. I had made it. I lunged for the path dividing the field and didn't look to see where I was going. My foot got caught in a raised root of a tree and I fell. Suddenly, the forest turned black and the wheat disappeared.

Breathing rapidly, I clenched the soil and earthy roots in my hands. I could feel the moisture, the heat, the softness under my nails and on my fingertips, extending to the palms of my hands. Tears tried to overcome me but I fought them. Disappointment tried to take over me but I fought it. I stared down at the ground to gather my bearings. A deep breath here, a deep breath there...in and out, slowly. Staying calm, I stood and tried to make sense of what had happened. I hear a voice in the distance but I cannot see who it is. I hear her...and it is me.

At work, I worked quietly, hoping that Thursday would come. I was wishing the week away until I could see him again. I wanted to figure out this curious connection I had had with such a like-minded soul. Mature, honest, and well put together. A dream boat of a man! Everything fate said I needed to see from a man. Everything fate said I had asked for. Everything fate had delivered to me in one night. My "soul mate," as I recall my writings of previous.

Until I said, "Whoa, Nelly!" Let me think over this story. Actually, this had been with me all weekend, but my mind justified it every time. My mind and heart battled. "Feel something, be open, let it happen." Then it turned into, "But his house! That house! WHY DOES HE HAVE THAT HOUSE? WHY is his dog in another state??" I wish I was a moron. I wish I wasn't smart. I wish that my intuition was shot and wrong and wrong and wrong every god damn time. But, I have a 97.289% success rate with it. So when the feeling overcame me today, I could not overlook it anymore. It was time to bounce this off my friends for advice.

"Why doesn't he sell the house?" I asked.

"Why does he keep it?" I smacked.

"What about his dog?" I pondered.

"Why is he spending all this money on living somewhere he isn't going to stay?" I laughed maniacally.

Judging from my issues, it was easy to see I wanted to find something wrong with him. My friends are good to me. They always try to talk me out of having one foot out the door. They teach me, and I learn. I love them, and they support me. The reason why I'm like this, I know now, is because there always is something wrong. There always is and it never fails. My intuition never fails me. It never has. Even when my friends tell me to stay awhile and see. I am patient in some ways, but not that patient.

I had to know. After lunch, the gnawing at my stomach wasn't hunger. I hadn't eaten, but surely that wasn't the problem. The feeling grew and grew until I could no longer ignore it. "Type in his name," I requested from my friend as we sat in her office talking about this situation. On Facebook, he was incredibly difficult to find. ""Look for his brother." And she did. We found him. No sign of the Pilot though.

Lunch was over and I was getting increasingly disappointed that I could find nothing. So I searched public records to see if I could find out about a lady in waiting back home, in his state. The screen loaded, and there was his full name (first, middle, last) in bold, bright blue letters. There it was. There was HIS age, it was correct. There were possibly relatives' names. At the top of the screen, it read:

(1) Marriage Record Found.

I emailed a screen shot to my friend. And she sent me a picture of him with a woman. "This isn't him is it?!" But as much as I wanted her to be wrong, she was right. He didn't look so chummy with the lady in the picture, so I told my friend I was taking a break, letting another search load, and I'd let her know what I find.

I sat outside to smoke. The air surrounded me like the stagnation that my life has become. His words and stories swirled around my head until I was faint from the smoke and the memories pissed away on him. My hands shook but I could not cry. This is my reality. "Savor this feeling. Learn from this. Learn to control yourself. Feel the rawness of living," I told myself.

I went back to my desk and immediately got back into my email. I knew what my friend was going to tell me. I could feel it biting in the back of my mind. I don't know if it was just...I wasn't ready for the truth or I wasn't ready to confirm my intuition, but I had to know before my emotions got any stronger. "Well, it looks like he got married back in 2012. The last picture of them together was in November 2014. They are friends on Facebook, but there aren't any statuses and he has no pictures of her on his page."

And my heart just sank. I had a connection with a man. A strong connection. And he did everything right.

I am still going through the several processes of grieving. I considered trying to cry, so I put on some sad music, but the tears weren't there. I can't cry. I can only marvel at the illusion he created, I mean clearly he has done this before, or...

Maybe he is separated. Maybe, just maybe. He probably isn't. My friends stopped my twitchy fingers from firing off rounds of texts to him. For once, I have mastered the art of control.

If he texts me before Thursday, the day he supposedly returns, play nice. If he texts me on Thursday to catch that movie I've been dying to see, play nice, but don't go to the movies. Get a drink instead. And confront him. Closure is always better in person, and if I had texted him I never would have gotten it. I still may not. Finally, if he doesn't text me, I will tell his wife everything. Everything. Yeah, I'll be that chick. She deserves to know and I will have to assume this was a game to him from the get-go if he blows me off.

So, with a plan in place, eyes wide open, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He likes me, I know he does, so I'll hear him out (if he has anything to say besides radio silence), and go from there.

This is the most ridiculous, curious story I've ever written. The most curious tale I've ever lived through, I think. The world won't stop turning over this despite the connection I felt with him. It will fade away like so many others have. And I'm so sorry this keeps happening to me.

February 17, 2015

Wow. That is truly awful. I don't even know what to say.

February 18, 2015

BC, I know. There is nothing anyone can say.

I spent pretty much the entire day seething. I was frothing at the mouth, almost literally. I waited and waited and prayed the day away again, but for an entirely different reason. VENGEANCE.

I stayed in my zone and pounded through my work. It numbed my mind. I sent a couple of emails to my friends. One of them was a picture of the Pilot and his wife on the beach. My friend was pondering the idea that maybe he walked his niece down the aisle or something, but she forgot about this picture. Of him. With his wife. On the beach. Standing behind two words written in the sand, "JUST MARRIED." Can't mistake that. That's all the ****ing proof you need!

So I went to tell more of my friends about him so they would stop asking how things were going. They seemed disappointed. One even thought his story was suspicious and I practically yelled, "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?" He thought I'd probably tell him he's always so negative. And it's true I would have, but I would have thought about it sooner. Haha, but they told me I should open up a detective agency. If you've ever been cheated on, you know how to find things so it wasn't hard.

And when I was done almost bursting into tears while talking about how this always happens, asking why I can't just have the one thing I want, why I just can't have one person in my life who is mine, who loves me, who supports me, who wants to be with me, truly...I went back into my office and checked my phone.

Him: "Hey Chica Heading for Florida in a couple hours. Call you tonight. How was your weekend?"

I didn't respond. Then about an hour and a half later...

Him: "About to take off. Call you later :)"

Me: "Hey! Be safe! Talk to you soon then. :D"

The HARDEST message I've ever typed up. And if he does call tonight, it will be the most difficult phone call I ever had to deal with without blowing up. But I am good at being chilly. I can be calculated. I can figure this out and navigate it. I can do this. He has to see my face. I WANT HIM TO SEE HIS VICTIM'S FACE. And I never want him to forget it.

If he even has a good explanation. I'm pissed off that I'm putting so much energy into this ****ing ******* to get my closure/revenge/end of the story. I can do it...I can do it...I've dealt with worse.

It just sort of feels surreal now at this point. Like it could be wrong. I could have misinformation. There could be an explanation I had not considered. There could be something I'm not taking into consideration. There is something he could tell me to change this. Right? And that is the hope I have that drives me and sustains me everyday. Yet, I spent a good portion of the day randomly pulling up that picture, and chuckling to myself. Nope, that's pretty ****ing real. It'll be hard to explain this one away! I'm waiting to see if she posts another picture of them together that is more recent. THEN not only would he be married, but he would be carrying out the charade of traveling too.

I've analyzed this forwards and backwards, side to side, up and down and back again. For nearly two days. I'm so angry, I ran at 7 mph for two miles. I've never done that before.

I'll update.

Edited February 18, 2015 by LostInTheWild

February 18, 2015

I waited anxiously last night for his phone call. I kind of gave up on this type of behavior a long time ago. I don't like being so available to men, but I thought before all this he was different. I thought he was different. I would have answered, had I not known, on the first ring. I thought he liked me for who I was. So I had to pretend everything was normal.

As I waited, I typed my story above to you all. I also had some time to reflect on my gym experience. It was probably the most intense session at the gym I had had in a very long time. My clothes were drenched in sweat because my blood had cooled from boiling to a slow simmer. I got on the step mill after running, as I typically do, but I went for much longer. I had to punish myself, release my anger, and punish myself even more so I couldn't feel anything except for exhaustion. I wanted serenity and the peace working out brings me these days. I had to pay for seeing a married man. I had to offer something to karma so I wouldn't have to endure this ever again. I found my zen and left.

I waited around until about 9 in the evening to hear from him. I showered and dutifully applied my lotion like I would any other night. It was important to keep my life in order now. I am so glad I learned to keep my life separate from people. This is my comfort zone, what I've learned to fall back on when there is a crisis. Work, gym, shower, read. Routine.

My phone lit up and I hated myself when I saw his name. What is so wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve ANY of what has happened in this thread? ANY OF IT? My ex is living blissfully and here I am, stuck in the hole. I can't ****ing get away from PROBLEMS. If I'm not having a problem, someone else is! And if my life is content and happy, I sure as **** can count on some mother****er to bring in some ****ing problems - for ME - that *I* have to ****ing deal with.

"Hey..." I answered meekly, thinking about my emotions, and maintaining control. Self-control...don't explode.

"Hey ****!!! How are you?!" His loud, boisterous voice filled my ear. And I so desperately wanted this to not be true.

We had some idle chatter about his travels, which sounded quite truthful to me. I felt relief that I could somewhat trust he was being honest about the trip. Maybe he isn't a complete liar?

BUT THEN, I think he slipped. I am becoming increasingly suspicious about whether he lives nearby or not. I have this sneaking suspicion he absolutely does not and last night he said, "When I got back to the hotel..." and quickly caught himself only to say, "Well, they rent rooms for us when we travel in groups just because some of the guys live far away. So they get group rates. I decided to stay in mine because I was so tired and didn't feel like driving home. They told us if we wanted to cancel we'd have to do it in person, so I figured why not just stay? The guys who lived nearby canceled theirs and just went home!"

Have you noticed how long that explanation was? I did. I nodded to myself and kept a mental note in the back of my mind to bring that up. I decided to bring up my "frozen pipes" story to my house because it is so cold here. Plus, looking back on it, it made me laugh. This happened on Sunday, before I knew about any of this, and I just wanted to go back to that moment of feeling like everything wasn't completely hopeless just because my sink was frozen...I had someone to tell this all to who would understand...who would want to know me. So crazy...I laughed it off as I laid out the story. He responded with, "Yeah, that is why I'm so glad my roommate is there watching over the house in **** (my area). I don't have to worry about anything!"

It was time to open the floodgates. Does he feel guilty yet? Let me try and weasel this one out of him. "So tell me more about your house then? I mean, aren't you worried about it at all now that it is cold?" He didn't skip a beat, "No. I have a house sitter that comes by and makes sure everything is okay. She takes care of the dog, too. It works out well. So, I don't have to worry about it." I'll be she does (on an extremely regular basis - almost like she lives there)..."Uh huh, ohhhh....ahhhh." I played stupid.

"So, why don't you just sell the house? It's a money pit at this point, no?" I asked.

"Well, it needs to build equity beforehand. I haven't owned it long enough and it's not exactly in sellable condition just yet, you know what I mean? But yeah, I should certainly try to at some point. It's just, like a solid foundation for me should anything change with where I'm living. I want to be able to have something to go back to if they move me again."

A good answer. I'd agree with him if HE. WASN'T. ****ING. MARRIED.

"So why don't you bring your dog up here?" I drilled. I am such an interrogator. I would be great at waterboarding. Show no mercy...

"I can't do that to my roommate. I could bring her up here, but I'm always traveling and it's not fair to my roommate to have to watch her all the time," he said.

Then I got kind of pissed, "Well, I'm sure your roommate would certainly appreciate having the extra money. He probably wouldn't mind at all."

"Yeah, he probably wouldn't mind," he responded.

At this point I had all the information I needed. He was lying to me about a lot of things. Even if he wasn't, it was all sounding like a big ****ing lie lumped together. I was getting confused but I was paying attention. I think it is SCARY to warp a story SO MUCH (in advance?) JUST to get laid? Or start a faux relationship??? What would happen if I had fallen in love with him? Then, "Oh hey, by the way, I'm married...I'm so sorry. Please degrade yourself and be my number 2? You are unworthy of having time to find someone who can give you the things you want."

So I wrapped it up. I asked him if he'd still like to get together on Thursday. He sounded elated and offered to pick me up at 7. "No, it's okay. I have some errands to run so it would be better if I just met you there." I'm allowed to lie now, right? The funny thing is...I could not hear one beat of suspicion in his voice that I knew something was up. This either means he's got nothing to hide or that he is so ****ing PRIDEFUL to BELIEVE I ACTUALLY HAVE FALLEN FOR HIS BULL****!!!! What I also really enjoyed hearing was, "Thank you. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to. I've had such a rough weekend."

Yep, you don't know me yet sucka.

More on this later...

Edited February 18, 2015 by LostInTheWild

February 18, 2015

I woke up to some texts he sent after I'd gone to bed long before.

Him: Hi. I'm drunk texting you I may regret it later but right now it's a great idea

I need to not date guys who use smileys. They ruin my life, typically.

Me: Haha I hope I wake you up. Yeah, I want to be that dick.

Him: Yeah...you did. Dick

Me: Damn. I should have texted earlier! Grrr...You hungover?

Him: Just a touch. Mostly because I'm awake right now...

Me: Hahaha. Well good. Welcome to the world, sunshine.

Him: Haha...you know I'm going to get you back for this right? Don't know how yet...but I will

Me: Lol there is no way in hell you could get me back. I'm too smart.

I'm posting all this to capture the essence of having an advantage in conversation.

Him: Yes you are but I too am smart. You shall be a worthy opponent. Sorry hungover me has nothing to do at 6 am...

Me: Haha I'm waaaayyy smarter. What is on the agenda today?

Him: Gym and homework. Got a big paper due.

Also plotting my revenge...How about you?

Me: Ooooo what does that revenge plot entail?? I am working, therapy, then hitting the gym.

Him: I have the day off...good thing I woke up at 6...Still working on the revenge thing. Maybe something about a red room and silk tie ups Or something evil like waking you up early...

As I laid this all out, I realized he's lying. I "woke" him up at 7. Florida is EST. This is twisted. He's looking right at his phone as he's texting me.

Me: Haha well that doesn't exactly sound like a punishment to me. However, waking up really early does. There is no way in hell you can get me up early. You're never around. Lol

Him: See I want you thinking there's no way so I can spring it on you

The only thing I'm trying to figure out is how to do it and not get shot...

Me: Lol. Yeah it's better for you to play it safe and not do it at all. See? I win again. I win! I win! *twirls around office*

Him: Haha. You're fun However I want you lulled into this false sense of security When you're not expecting it is when it will happen. Speaking of red rooms I'm supposed to take you to a movie aren't i?

Me: Ohhh, it is very, very difficult for me to feel secure in anything. ☺ Won't work. You can try and try. It's hard to surprise me. Yes you are. But we should have a drink first. You'll be in DC for the weekend right?

Him: Correct Be back monday

Me: Is there ever a weekend you don't go?

Him: Aww sad face. There is just a busy time with work right now. Besides me in small doses keeps you interested

Me: Hmph, am I not special? If I'm busy I make time for people I like.

Him: Touche. But I'm voluntarily taking you to see 50 Shades. That makes you pretty damn special Plus I drunk texted you. Even when inebriated I think of you

Me: So I'll never get a Saturday?

Him: You will get a Saturday. Promise And stop with the sad emojis! Only happy emojis

Me: Just one? It's so fitting to use ...I'm getting limited time with you to get to know you better.

Him: More than one Many more I don't have emojis. Stupid android

Me: Lol you should get an iPhone! I keep telling you! And good that makes me one happy woman. I'm so excited to see you!

Him: Good I'm excited to see you too

As you can see, I am just beginning to scratch the surface. It's easy for me to see. I make a lot of assumptions, but this level of deceit is unfathomable. I don't even know what to say to him. I will wonder if everything coming out of his mouth is a lie in some form. In a way, I'm also afraid to confront him. I'm afraid I could end up getting attacked. It's a weird feeling, however, I have to see the story through to completion. I told my friend I should have been a reporter. If nobody knows, you can count on me to find out. I'll gladly throw myself under a bus just to tell someone how it really feels (kidding).

Also, I keep thinking, what the **** if I'm wrong about this???? I'm really reading into this hardcore.

Unless something else happens I'll post tomorrow. I do have therapy tonight, so if she has anything new to add to this conversation I'll post it.

Edited February 18, 2015 by LostInTheWild

February 20, 2015

This isn't good, and I'm seriously considering letting this ship sail for my own, deeply personal reasons.

1. He was "lying" but didn't think it was necessary to tell me so early on what was really happening. Which I suppose I could understand but...why not just tell me the truth when I asked about it? It would have saved me a lot of grief over some new guy who could potentially be leading a double-life and duping me.

2. I spent much of this week ANGRY, disappointed, and hoping and praying he would tell me the truth. I spent most of this week believing what I Wanted to believe, getting my friends involved, and just being a complete wreck because I like the guy.

3. I don't know if I can accept the truth for what it is now because it is incomplete and there are things he doesn't want to tell me (I can tell). Still, there is no solid proof for me except for what he has told me.

4. I don't even know if he wants me to accept the truth because of how I acted. And because he knows I had my friends involved.

Edited February 20, 2015 by LostInTheWild

February 20, 2015

5. I just feel awful about everything. And confused, but happier in some weird way.

I drank a bit too much at another bar. Then I left and went to meet him. I was pretty wired and tipsy at the same time. I was just so nervous I had no idea how to go about doing this. When in doubt, drink it out.

I got there and he was waiting. He offered a hug and I kept it brief. I sat down and we picked up where we left off but I found it difficult to stay present. And then he asked me what was on my mind.

I drew in a deep breath and wanted to hold it in. I let it out and sighed, looked down. Then I began my interrogation, which I regret it coming across that way.

"Are you married?" My eyes met his.

"No," he answered and before he could say anything else, I pounced, "were you married?!"

"Yes. I was."

"When did you divorce?"

"About a year ago."

"Is it final? The paperwork is filed?"

"Yes."

"Why are you going back to DC every weekend then?"

"Because my house is there. Actually, it's a condo. And the person who I called my house sitter is her."

"What's her name?"

"Michelle."

"Why do you go back?"

"Because the property is in my name and I have to take care of it. She doesn't know how to."

"So do you **** her?"

"No. We have separate bedrooms. We stopped having sex long before the divorce. Now we are just friends."

As he told me this, I wanted to melt into a tiny puddle of water hidden on the dark floor, in an inconspicuous corner. I'm a super bitch.

"Why did you lie about this?!"

"I wouldn't say I was lying. I just didn't think it was an appropriate time to bring this up. It's so early."

We talked some more, but everything felt tainted. Tainted by my anger and tainted by his embarrassment. We stuck it out though and went to see the movie. We were back in full swing afterwards. And he slept over. But nothing happened. I'm afraid to go that far. And it's surprising because I was pretty drunk. I need to rebuild my tolerance.

Today, everyone thought he was lying. By all appearances it certainly looks that way. It's very suspicious but highly possible. The craziest stories are often truth.

I got to work this morning and the high from seeing him wore off. Reality set in. I probably blew this. So I texted him and he responded as normal, but was not very warm and didn't offer continuity of the conversation. So I thanked him for a great time. He told me I'm most welcome. I left it at that.

I'll feel the cold spot next to me in the morning and realize he was never meant to be there in the first place. This mystery probably will not unravel. I chased another one away.

February 21, 2015

I can't believe I allowed myself to feel desperation. In an instant, all of my rigorous training of emotions fell away and I felt like I did in my last relationship. I guess life offers no true turning points. It only offers knowledge as time wears on. And aging. There are no doors that will magically open. Life is what you make it. I have to return to my previous state of mind. It made life more bearable and easy. But how? How can I turn back time and learn to forget? Maybe I'm tired of doing that. Maybe I'm tired of being strong. When will I be able to stop having to always be strong and resilient? It seems so unfair. I'm truly exhausted, to my core. I can't even smile anymore...at least, not like I used to. I look in the mirror and see a small resemblance of my former, happy self from many years ago. She smiles at me, but most of the time she frowns. The lines on her face show it. Her battles have not been fought fairly and pain is permanently etched on her face, like it has lost memory of true happiness.

The facts are clearer to me but still feel unresolved. This week has worn me down to a nub. Always looking over my shoulder, I realize this is what life was meant to be. It is now best to decline any future advances from anyone. I haven't sought a partner in a very long time, and it's beginning to feel as though the potentials that do fall into my lap are really just big balls of crap being thrown at me. I haven't heard from him. I figure this weekend, if I don't, I never will again. And if I did, is betraying someone's wife such a good idea? Yeah, I kind of think he's lying about something. It's not adding up. And if he wanted it to add up, he'd text me or call me over the weekend or do something to make me feel better about this. And he hasn't. Then again, I owe him nothing and he owes me nothing. This is why the situation is so complicated. I can't control it. I can only control myself.

Learning is what I do. I savor it. I thrive on it. But I'm tired of it. When will I be able to grow and flourish from this knowledge I've earned? It's like as Armageddon and I'm holding the last packet of seeds and there is nowhere to plant them. They won't grow anywhere. They're useless bits of life I don't need. Really useless. I wish I could go on a trip to a hot place where beaches surround me. With a margarita in hand, I could stroll along the surf and see through to the bottom of the ocean. I don't need anyone to go with me. Just by myself. Maybe that could work if I had the money.

I do need to get away. I need time to miss it all so when I come back, I can appreciate everything more. Right now, I just can't see past the four walls that used to haunt me. It's cold outside, so maybe spring will uplift my spirits.

I can't find myself getting excited over him anymore. Everything lies in ruins. I accept that now. Yesterday was hard for me to allow myself to let it go. Today, I can. I just wish something would go my way for once. Nothing ever does. Nothing. I could say that I'm giving up, but what's the next step below that when I have already given up long ago?

I can't sacrifice myself anymore in trying to get people to want to be in my life. And honestly, I don't want anyone around me again. Not after all the things I've seen. Even after all that's healed, it still remains.

The only sense of normalcy I want now is to go to work (and work quietly, not speaking to anyone unless I have to), go to the gym and never make eye contact with anyone ever again, come home, shower, and sleep. I don't want to do anything else ever again. Not after these evil years I've had. At night, I can lie awake and stare into the infinite darkness. The gears don't need to turn anymore. I don't need to think. Just do.

February 22, 2015

I can't get over this. I'm still (STILL) reeling from this situation. Still. Still!! Why can't I just move on? Why am I so fixated on this?

I sit idly by lying in wait. I'm hiding in my bedroom now. I thought I'd go out tonight but I'm just not up for it. I have no energy. There are too many possibilities floating through my mind right now. And the very real reality that one possibility is the strongest. He's going to disappear. There is no way to make anything better. There is no growing from this. This experience will be limited.

And as I type this I'm thinking, "REALLY?" That's what I think of this?!! I was duped, led, or it was too early to be truthful and THAT is how I feel about this? That he might be gone?!!!

Why am I sitting around here feeling sorry for myself? Feeling like I actually lost something? Why am I grieving this situation so horribly? My friends check in occasionally asking how I'm doing. I am on the edge, the very brink of my sanity, upset, wanting to cry, but I just can't. I can't find an outlet that satisfies my need to get this out of my system. Time, maybe? Has this finally shaken me to the depths of my soul and rattled me like a dog beaten to the point where it doesn't even know it's name anymore?

I feel the need to ask and ask and ask, "WHY ME?" I want a ****ing answer. Am I pinning my hopes and dreams on the next guy and the next guy and the next and this is why I deserve this??? Is this why it keeps happening? I try to be closed. I try to be open. I try to be friendly. I try to be witty. I try to be sexy. I try to be beautiful. I try to ignore men. I try to chase them. I try to smile more. I try to impress. I try to be the opposite of these things. I try to build my own life I'm happy with. I'm dealing with my bull**** in therapy! I've tried being miserable. I try to be outgoing. I try to be fun. I try to be FUNNY. I try to be trusting. I try to be mistrustful. I should be pretty ****ing great by this point, don't you think so?! Maybe I should try walking around on my hands with my ****ing feet in the air. That might ****ing work. Or make a dress out of orange peels and let cats piss all over me before I leave the house for a date. A nice orangey-cat-piss perfume might make a man realize I'm kind of nice sometimes because they sure don't want to get to know me. Or they ****ing lie. Or they're completely honest about their intent (just want to **** me!). Or they pick their noses. Where in the **** are all the normal people at??? The funny thing about this paragraph is I don't TRY to do any of these things. I just am a blend of these things and I know I am (there's more but I'm done ranting about what I "try" to be like). Maybe I should put up a profile again online and use this paragraph. It MIGHT work better than anything I HAVE OR HAVENT TRIED!!!! Ahaha!

So, with this meltdown, I'm so upset. I'm SO heartbroken that my life keeps turning out this way. It feels like I do most things right these days. Not everything, of course, but most. I always try to do the right thing. Always. But I don't even know what that ****ing means anymore!!!! Apparently I can't do anything right. This is just validation of that. I'm a horrible judge of character. I can't read people. I have to be on guard 24/7. Where is the fun in this? I cannot have fun anymore because I'm always afraid someone is out to hurt me. So far I've been right. The only fun I have is with my friends and sometimes my parents, or I create my own. I will never be able to share my life with someone. Not the way I imagined.

I let go of expectations and I get steamrolled. I hold onto expectations tightly and then I am not OPEN ENOUGH. I am discriminating and cautious but there's a way around that (just pretend to be someone trustworthy! That always works!). If I'm free and flowing then im judged and beaten down. I can't be myself. I can't be who I want to be if I want people in my life. I have to hide my true self. Because at the end of the day I'm just not worth it to anyone apparently.

Edited February 22, 2015 by LostInTheWild

February 23, 2015

I'm passing through time so quickly. A day here and a day there. One day at a time.

Today I brought up old habits, coping mechanisms, that make life easier. My heart is heavy today. Very heavy. Yesyerday, I had texted him to see if he would even respond and to apologize for my actions. He's a genuinely nice guy (minus the "is he married or not?" scenario). So he didn't ignore me.

Me: Hey you! Did you get a lof of snow? It's almost 40 degrees here. Almost feels like summer! Hehe...

Him: Yeah like 4 inches. It's like 45 here now. May go to the pool

Me: LOL skinny dipping anyone? I might try the river out. I'll have to talk my shovel with me.

Him: Haha, try not to fall this time.

Me: I'm such a klutz. I probably will! LOL.

Me: Anyway, I thought about how I acted Thursday and I wanted to apologize. Just wanted to tell you that.

Him: Nothing to apologize for

I left it at that and thought today, I would know, REALLY know if he was still interested. I haven't heard a peep from him. The only thing I'm happy about is that I've apologized for my behavior. But this has cut me deeply. And I won't be able to make it different or better or find out more. Because I thought I knew what was going on, still think I do, I'm still suspicious. I'm still that girl, at heart.

With a heavy heart, I am letting this one go. I told my friends I probably won't hear from him again (I'm pretty sure I won't) and that I don't want to talk about him again. I am closing the doors to my life once again. This time, I think I'll lock them. Then I won't have a need to post these awful occurences in my life. Maybe I'll be able to post positive things from now on; no more coping posts.

But for some reason, I feel so broken. I don't know how to make this stop. It's so painful. And I can't talk about it anymore.

February 23, 2015

Maybe I'm missing something, but what did you apologize to him for? I'm not sure you did anything wrong. I feel that he should have told you he had been married. Maybe not on the first date, but I think he should have told you at some point before you found out.

February 23, 2015

BC, yeah he should have told me. He definitely should have. And he lied about it (if you want to look at it the way I do—omission, the house sitter, the house, the going back to another state—excluding anything pertaining to her). But I railed him. My post doesn't do the scenario justice. I was acting like a jealous girlfriend scolding a child, a woman in disbelief. That's what I apologized for, not because I spent half a day digging this **** up. I apologized for my behavior.

For some reason, I feel guilty. Like he would have told me without my asking. I'm always hard on myself about these things. I'm more sorry I won't get to see him again to make up for it (or not, depending). I don't know. I'm so conflicted.

February 26, 2015

I hate looking back to my past. The deep, dark, and the ugly. The fun, light, and airy. I hate looking back to glean over any information I might have overlooked. So in this case, I may be an official stalker of sorts. A stage five clinger. Holding on tightly to what had to be let go.

I looked at The European's Facebook. I was stalking old friends and I had to take a second look at the life being lived...without me. Looks great, adventurous, everything you'd ever ask for in a Facebook page. Mystery, however, exists in everyone's lives, and I'm here to crack the code.

Remember the story of him not being in love? It was rubbish. All of it. I could see right before me what had happened. He was a young lad and was crazy about this girl, as the story goes based on his pictures. I could see the look he gave her. I could tell...because at times, he'd look at me that way too. He had said he was angry that his visa prevented him from being with her and she had moved on. Well, I could tell it bothered him, but I wasn't prepared for her profile. I clicked on it. They're still friends through social media. She recently got married. Adorned with a big, beautiful dress, big, brown eyes, and a smile that could melt your heart. Could this be the real hurt? I wonder. This was only out of curiosity. I was surprised, however, how much she looked like me. Ah well, onto the next victim I can make assumptions about.

I chuckled my way through some old friend's posts. I had a sip of beer, a favorite past time I had forgotten about all too soon. Another way to cope with the hand I've been dealt. Another way to find release. Another way to forget that I'm me and you're them. We are all like snowflakes, an ******* once coined the term.

Last week and this week have been hell on earth, flames, fire and all. The forest is scorched and there's smoke everywhere. What in the hell am I doing here? What good is any of this doing me? Even my therapist was bewildered. It's the first session I've had where even SHE didn't know what to tell me. Why do I keep getting crapped on? Her answer: to learn and grow. I think at one point the windows rattled in her office. Luckily it was just us there because everyone would have gotten in on the Jerry Springer show that is my life. Grow? It's useless knowledge that doesn't make me money, but it certainly shuts me down and puts me out of commission. And I cried. I cried at work. I bawled in her office. I lost it. I lost everything in a moment's notice. Everything I've built. Everything. Just everything.

The next day wasn't much better. While buying cigarettes, the guy carded me and I pulled out my driver's license. It fell, floating, straight through the racks and nearly got stuck under the counter. I was so defeated. I could barely find the energy to stop it. I could barely pick it up. And then the attendant said, "Yeah, I'm having one of those days too." I found that to be nice. He made me smile. Then I left after the transaction.

And you're probably wondering where this is going.

I made a new friend who will be moving to another state shortly due to job loss. She's an awesome young lady and I enjoy speaking with her because she's not judgmental and harsh like I am. She has an open, refreshing point of view.

Much to my dismay, she is extremely pushy too. I am not easily convinced to do something I don't want to do, but she had a serious point. "Just text him. You've already accepted that you've lost him. Just do it. Do it now. Ask him to dinner. Get it over with. Get your closure," she crooned. "I could, but I'm not chasing a man around the damn planet. It's not how I want to start anything. I've given the guy two chances to ask me to do something and he hasn't done **** about it," I contested. "Is he worth it to you? Don't you want to find out? Maybe he thinks it's done. That last night together was a last hoorah."

Okay, so I did. This girl, this young lady smoking some new age crack convinced mighty me to do something I forbade myself to ever indulge in again: pursuit.

Me: Would you like to get dinner this week (my treat)?

Him: Hey you! Thats a super sweet offer and I would love to, but this is the week I'm leaving town. Leaving out early tomorrow. Supposed to be back late Sunday night. Can I take a rain check?

And there went my mojo. My livelihood. A certain rejection, surely. A blow off of sorts. And yet, I needed him to tell me. I needed to know. I still have to know.

Me: You most certainly can have a rain check. That sucks you're leaving this week. I just have to ask, are you not really interested anymore?

I am tired of men thinking I'm just pissing in the breeze, waiting around, hoping for good news. Because I had already been grieving, this answer would have been the nail in the coffin I needed. I wait for no one. Get on board or get the **** off and let me get back to my life. Let me grieve and repeat the process. Rinse. Repeat. Lose sanity. Repeat. My life is a video game. I keep getting killed and respawning in a ditch somewhere. The surroundings don't really improve; they're all hellhole ditches.

Him: A fair question. Yes I am ***. It's just a busy time with work. And I'm new to the whole dating thing. A little out of practice

Anyone want to play catch that lie? A man who doesn't date for a year after divorce? Something stinks. Or maybe not. I'm the one who texted.

Me: Good. I like straightforward. If there's ever a time (dating rule #492 - I'm not out of practice), women appreciate being told if you're not. �� And I understand you're busy. So next week, you aren't going anywhere right?

Him: Correct not until sunday

There's a shot of truth. Or maybe it's all true? I don't know.

Me: Monday night, I believe there's trivia going on somewhere in ******, if you're interested. �� Haha.

Him: I could get down on that

Me: Down with* lol. Okay. I'll see you Monday.

And we had some banter back and forth. So many unanswered questions. A mystery to unravel. I like him. I really, truly do and I don't give up on those I like. But this must be resolved. The only way to find out is to date him. Let him try to play me. And I'll win in the end anyway, if there is a game to be won. My nature doesn't let lies fly unless I have no choice.

So this is where I am. One foot firmly planted on one side of the doorway. The other, getting twitchy, ready to make the move to carry me out into the future. Alone again. Truth be told, on my end, as I'm always truthful here: I don't think he's going to show. And that will be my decadent, sweetly accepted closure.

I'm back to normal. The normal I've built for myself, always questioning, always curious, always prepared for the worst.

What do you think, anyone? Is he going to show? Let's take bets.

Edited February 26, 2015 by LostInTheWild

March 6, 2015

[Male vocals]

Wanted single F, under 33. Must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea. Sought by single M. Mrs. Destiny! Send photo to address. Is it you and me?

[Female vocals]

Reply to single M: My name is Caroline. Cell phone number here, call if you have the time. 28 and bored, grieving over loss. Sorry to be heavy, but heavy is the cost. Heavy is the cost.

[Male vocals]

Reply to Caroline: Thanks so much for a response. These things can be scary, not always what you want. How about a drink? The St. Jude club at noon. I'll phone you first I guess. I hope I see you soon.

[Female vocals]

I never got your name. I assume you're 33. Your voice it sounded good; I hope that you like me. When you see my face, I hope that you don't laugh. I'm not a film star beauty, I'll send a photograph. I hope that you don't laugh.

...~~~....~~~~........~~~...

Note to single M: Why did you not show up? I waited for an hour. I finally gave up. I thought once that I saw you. I thought that you saw me. I guess we'll never meet now. It wasn't meant to be. It wasn't meant to be. I was sure you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be.

[Male vocals]

Wanted single F, under 33. Must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea. Sought by single M. Nothing too heavy. Send photo to address.

Is it you or me?

March 6, 2015

so he didn't show up?

March 6, 2015

How is it that I can see what I can see? The mirror reflects in my mind off of an image that should be remembered. A memory already lived, but it does not exist. It's so vivid,however, I can barely ignore it.

A sunny day right outside of my house. Warm, welcoming weather. Light reflected off the ripples of the currents in the water illuminate my face. And I can see pieces of myself, which is unusual because when I think of myself, I can't picture what I look like.

I'm standing near the river. I can see my legs in my dress (why?). My dress is coral-colored and flowing. I can see my eyes smiling, which is difficult to imagine but in this faux memory, they smile. Brightly. And I can see my teeth, my smile lines, my smooth skin, hair flowing. All in a moment. I can feel happiness radiating off this one moment. It's unclear in that period of time, until I realize I'm seeing myself through someone's eyes; not my own. I'm looking up at someone.

I don't know who that is yet. But it feels like I've lived it already. I can't shake the feeling of déjà vu.

March 16, 2015

I had promised myself to never date again. I never listen. Why should I?

One year prior,it was no longer my ex I was dealing with. It was this new man. The one whodidn’t end things badly, but perhaps handled things poorly. The one who told mewe were too different in some ways and that if I had lived closer to him, hewould have married me in a heartbeat. He made me cry when he said that becauseI don’t think he really knew all along that that was what I wanted. That waswhat I was looking for. We were too different then. And I had to let him go, soI stopped responding to his texts.

I’ve gone onseveral dates from the website now, but a nagging feeling in the back of mymind brought up memories of The Player. Is he still on here? Has he moved on? Iwondered if I’d run into him again. I thought it would make for a funny storyif I had. In the interim, I spent time dating other fellas. One in particularwhom I had liked immensely, spent a week getting to know him, and as it turnedout, he scared me to death with his tales of woe and how he called the women heslept with “whores.” Good thing he never read this thread! Well, that wasprobably the worst date I’ve ever been on. THE WORST. I’ve never met someone who could actually lay out their reasons for calling women whores just because theyslept with him knowing he wasn’t going to commit to them. Yikes. I’m so glad Idodged that bullet.

One night, it happened – the player popped up out of nowhere. And we matched again. I senthim a message first because, well, we already knew each other. He didn’t respond. I said something along the lines of, “I live in **** now. I’m still a smoker though. And I haven’t been to church in years. I still think you’re cute though. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me already? Come on dude.” A day later, “Is your real name ****? If your name is **** then I want you now. If not, then I apologize.” Just what I suspected he would say. He always said some off-color things, but he’s normal in his own way. It’s quite endearing. I offered mynumber again and we began texting.

Texting soon turned into him stopping by my residence, since I now live about 10 minutes away from him. Interestingly, he offered this up after I had put the option of getting together out there. I dallied around the house for a while, pondering if I could get fixed up fast enough since I had been in my pajamas all day long, reading. I came to the conclusion I could, so I told him he was welcome. He arrived and my dog howled at him while I greeted him warmly. I didn’t know what to expect, honestly. He towered over me and part of me felt like this was something I wouldn’t soon regret, but part of me was intrigued. I have only let someone back into my life again once, but I chased him down. I forced my ex to love me. This seemed different.

He was just as I remembered. He was still very handsome, but he seemed warmer this time and like he was very happy to see me, albeit a bit skeptical and reserved. I was too. He couldn’t really hide his attraction towards me. I saw it pouring out of his big, brown eyes when he smiled and they crinkled in that way that mine do whenI see something I like. I know this because I felt mine doing the same. At one point during our conversation, we hit a lull, and all that was there to speakfor us were our eyes. I bat my lashes, he met my gaze, I looked away, and then looked back, and then he looked away. I smiled, he smiled back. This continued for five minutes until I had to plug the hole of endless silence and flirty stares with something to talk about.

In the back o fmy mind, though, I thought about how I could make this different. How could I change the way men view me? Surely, I am so much different from the last timehe met me. I am no longer as naïve as before. I am smarter when it comes tomen. I’ve seen a lot. And my personality has changed slightly. I don’t feel as desperate as I did last year. I feel calmer, less eager, and more open no matter what I have to go through or the hurts I have to put up with. I feel ready to meet that special person. I’m not the person he knew before. What could be different this time?

Conversation just felt so natural and effortless. I felt at ease in his presence, almost like I didn’t have to work so hard. He took a tour of my house, since that iswhat he does for a living, and he remarked on how he would help me with certain things like repainting, a couple of repairs, etc. My toilet is broken, well the flusher is, and I’m leaving it like that for male passersby to see if theyoffer to fix it. The one who does fix it (it is a simple repair), I figure, isgoing to be the more serious of the bunch. So I always mention to new men that my toilet is broken to see which one will rescue me. That guy will be thewinner. It sounds stupid, but I do like to test men once in a while. So far, every man I’ve allowed in my life has not fixed my damn toilet. I’m waiting for the one who will. LOL.

We ran out of conversation and he was going to suggest a movie but time was winding down. I was glad because I don’t know how I would have controlled myself for much longer at that point. It was a very tense couple of hours filled with undercurrents of eroticism we couldn’t even hint towards. At one point I laughed, “We will be the best of friends.” And he stared at me seriously, “But you don’t want that, right?” I muttered quietly, “No,” and stared deeply into his eyes. He stood up to leave and approached me for a hug, which I gave him freely. He grabbed his things and strolled towards the door, opened it, and turned around to hug me and offer me a kiss, which I gave briefly. Then he offered me a night on the town on Friday, dancing with him and his friends. Friend zoned?

When he left, Iclosed the door and locked it. My heart was pounding, my pulse rose. Strangely,I didn’t want him to leave. Strangely, I didn’t want him to know that I liked him anymore. I just wanted to push him away. It was way too intense. I thought about the feeling of grazing his hair as I reached for his baseball cap and placed it on my head. I thought about touching his soft, thick hair. And how he never moved away, he never even flinched. He just stared.

But it wasn’t just this moment we had that was intense. I texted him a bit later thanking him for stopping by and letting him know it was nice to see him again. I didn’t expect anything to come of it. I expected to get to bed early, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. He texted me asking for a picture. We exchanged a picture and I asked him why he wanted one and why he wanted to see more.

“Aww man, I want to see more pics of you,” he texted.

“LOL, why?Answer me! Hahaha!”

Then I mentioned something about how I live closer now, so he can see me, he doesn’t need pictures.

“Do you reallywant me to come over now?”

“You can come by this week and watch a movie with me,” I responded.

“What about right now? J”

“LMAO. It’s lateboy. I need my beauty sleep.”

“You don’t need much beauty sleep….trust me.”

“Aww stop it, I’m blushing.”

“How about I come over right now? I can just call off tomorrow morning sick.”

“Yeah but I can’t. And I get up really early. Girl’s gotta eat, you know?”

“I won’t keep you up long. I promise”

“Just come over tomorrow goofball. I know you’re sitting there laughing,” I protested.

“No…I am sitting here hoping you let me come take care of you tonight.”

“Why do you want me so badly? I’ll still be here Tuesday.”

“Because I forgot how freakin’ sexy you were until I saw you just today.”

“I know, I’m not just looking to throw it.” Hmm?

“Haha you want to date me?”

“I’m not sure…I do want to spend some time with you to see if dating would be a good idea.”

“Good answer. We can check it out. You can come over Tuesday at 8 to watch a movie with me. Hell, I could even cook something. Idk.” Slaps forehead…I’m so stupid sometimes.

“You don’t have to cook…but yeah I will probably be there.”

“Good. I’ll be too tired to cook. I’ll see you Tuesday then. Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t.”

I’m not too sure what I just did there. I’m not telling anyone about this in my circle. I want to navigate this without thinking of what other people say to me or deal with any judgments on their part and try to apply anything anyone else says to my life. For once…I’m just going to go with it. Nobody will know about The Player. Whatever happens happens. It’s a fresh start.

Edited March 16, 2015 by LostInTheWild

March 22, 2015

I've been angry with my company for months and at the various people in it. To me, they appear to be directionless which is surprising in a male-dominated field (pun intended). Also, by working in a male-dominated field, I'm starting to feel stifled in my position, also directionless, also like I may never move again. I'm greedy - I need money. At the ripe, old age of nearly 28, it's time to set standards for myself and make the money I so desperately need. I'm sick of being broke. I'm sick of choosing who gets paid each month. And I'm hurt that the company I've been loyal to for three, long years has passed over me, overlooked me, and won't give me more to do to justify a pay increase and not a standard raise that will lift me out of struggling. I've asked for more work, for more meaningful things to do because I need the money and most importantly, I'm ambitious and I'm freaking bored. I find myself wanting to nod off at work. I can barely sit still at my desk. And we hired some new employees that are already getting bullied. I've checked out. Here's my ticket - I'm getting off this train wreck.

So I've been looking for a new job. I never thought I'd actually find something since I've been looking intermittently and had a disastrous interview many months ago for a part-time job, and no phone calls or interest since. I'm here today to say that I finally went on an interview with a company that is established but they just opened up a new, gorgeous facility. The general manager is a woman and is the one who conducted my interview. She had called me and told me about the job - I barely got three words in as she rambled on and basically sounded like she would hire me without an interview -she LOVED my resume. When I drove out there after work last week and walked in - I knew. I knew this was my new place of employment. It felt RIGHT. I haven't felt this way since I walked into my current employer's office that fateful day three years prior.

The general manager rambled some more and I once again barely got a word in. She took me on a tour of the warehouse and once I walked in, all I could say was, "WOW!" It was beautiful. An amazing sight. She was friendly and accommodating. The offices were still in the process of being set up. Just. Wow. She asked me about salary requirements and I gave her my range that would bring me closer to where I needed to be. The next day she called my references (my friends I work with - it pays to love your coworkers) and she told them that SHE just knew when I walked in I was the right person for the job!!!

So she offered me the salary I'd asked for. I accepted and send in the forms tomorrow. I'll be closing up shop with my dear, current company in three weeks, start date: April 13th. A new beginning. New people to get to know. I can reinvent myself once again. I can promote myself, be driven, and embrace my ambition and apply it to my new place of work. I can be noticed again. The field is not male-dominated. There is room for growth and I can savor every minute of it. My parents are proud and happy. I won't need them anymore.

But I'm sad to leave all those friendships behind. All the joking and laughter. All the pissing and moaning and being in it together to get through the day. All the great advice-giving folks. It breaks my heart to leave but I just can't see a future there anymore and it hurts me to just walk in there tomorrow and hand in my letter of resignation. It hurts to leave what I know. It hurts to change the one form of stability that has been the glue in keeping me sane through the trials of my personal life. I know they won't even try to get me to stay.

And then there's this fear, swelling in my belly, telling me to be cautious. I could lose everything if I get fired. I can lose everything if this new venture doesn't work out for me. But...I also realize that this fear is healthy. It pushes me on and up, over and above, above and beyond. I'm a fighter. I fight for what I want. If my current company won't promote me, I'll promote myself somewhere else. It may take some time, but I'll get there. Somehow.

Also, I am resigning from any dealings with the player. He hasn't changed. It's time to focus on my money and my career.

March 24, 2015

Tonight is hard. He moved out on Friday. I cried the whole time he was packing, kissed him and hugged him, then I left to go to my friend's house where I had a meltdown in her arms. I've also initiated no contact starting today. I felt great about it earlier and now I'm feeling low. However, I know I have the strength to get through this. I've been through a lot with him. I know he made the right decision to leave me.

It is late here now and I must soon go to bed. Alone. He always kept me warm at night. Now I have to struggle to stay warm. I really miss him. I've known him for 9 years (I met him in high school just before I turned 17). I intend to use this forum to cope and write stories of us; I would now but it is just way too late for me.

Tomorrow, my friends at work will be asking me questions that I really don't want to answer but I've already opened up that can of worms so I might as well seal it with: "I'm great now that he actually moved out." I actually do feel pretty good about this now, but still, 3 years of official dating takes it's toll. And I really do want to reconnect with him right now so he could hold me while I drift away. Maybe in another life.

Seriously- get some flannel sheets, extra blankets, and a large stuff animal. These things will help.

April 2, 2015

Before I start, this ^ = LMAO.

So, the first week after I signed my offer letter, I couldn't tell anyone except my friends. I cried a little. I laughed a little. But my personality did a complete 180. It took me a few days to get used to the idea. The idea of closing the door on all these amazing people I've grown to love. My comfy desk. My memoirs throughout the years. My sanity. My life.

I spoke to a lot of people to help me make my choice. And when I handed my resignation in I expected nothing. Nothing was exactly what I got. Some cried. Some congratulated. Some were shocked. But I was and am happy. I feel valued again. I can finally value myself again.

With my happiness, I've also made some important changes so I can learn new habits. Most importantly, I've decided to quit smoking once and for all. What I've decided to do was to get an e-cigarette. So far, I'm almost six days clean of tar and 100,000 chemicals, even though the alternative isn't that healthy, but it far outweighs the expense of real cigarettes and it is only a means to an end. I figure I'll ride this new job high and avoid weight gain.

I eat like crap these days and have ten pounds to lose (still!). I'm very toned but would like less mass on my frame. I'm going to the store tomorrow to change my eating habits. They have to change. No more eating out. No drinking for a while (haven't had a drink in about two weeks?). Eating clean and incorporating a daily vitamin. I even bought a scale so I can pay attention to my body. And I've been working out. I started a harder regimen last week that will reward. In time.

My skin was looking dull and full of new folds. I bought my famous skin serum I love and started taking care of my face again. Fighting the new breakouts isn't easy. I am getting it back. My glow. My easy smile. My white teeth. My confident love for myself. My giddiness. My youth. And soon my hair will reflect my health too. I even bought my favorite perfume that wows and works with my skin.

Pretty soon I imagine I'll have money to buy clothes again. More wiggle room with bills. Less worry. More freedom. More happiness. Just more. More of the life I've so desperately wanted and worked so hard for. And it's here. At my fingertips. I can almost touch it. I can almost taste it. And it's mine. I did it all by myself. I made this. I own it.

The last thing on my mind is men right now. I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm content. I've been here before, but this time I only want to focus on myself and my career. The switch flipped and it clicked. I just have to be happy being me. When it's time I'll know. And something tells me I won't be looking for it when or if it comes.

And I'm so excited and at peace with everything. It's so peaceful to have something to look forward to. The best part is I'm allowed to get my hopes up. I'm allowed to feel excited. I can only let myself down here. I'm in total control of this path. After all I've been through, I found something to believe in. I deserve this. I know my ambition and determination will see me through to the beginning of the rest of my life.

Edited April 2, 2015 by LostInTheWild

April 8, 2015

Like a dog glaring at a ball being waved in its face, its eyes watching the prize, full of determination to somehow tackle it once it's thrown - to win - to feel the greatest victory known to all of dogkind, is how I still feel today.

But doubt crept in early this week, when my boss sat me down and explained that she didn't want me to leave. She asked what my concerns were and what I would like to get involved in. She asked me what it would take to get me to stay. It was an awkward conversation I didn't want to have because for nearly three weeks I have felt like a new person, ready for change (a HUGE feat for me, since I hate changing anything), ready to reinvent myself. I dreaded this talk which I thought would never come. But it did.

I left feeling so frazzled I had to communicate with my close friends, coworkers, and my parents. The consensus was: stay if they match the pay and give you the work, leave if they try to offer any pie-in-the-sky promises. I applied this advice to my meeting and in my mind I thought I had it all figured out.

Today I had my official "please stay" meeting. In the uncomfortably sterile, steaming office, I felt tiny and young again. I was afraid they would envision me that way since both my manager and supervisor have about 30-40 years on me. And it was pretty much an exit interview, albeit with new concepts floating around so that if I stayed, we could add to my duties to expand my skill set, and one project in particular would have made me stay if it weren't for what followed.

I sat through an uncomfortable performance of how great our company treats us, how much we are changing and growing (there will be more to do - we can't say when though!), how the last person who held my job had had three jobs that didn't work out since she quit and I took over a year ago, and they offered their wisdom by beating the dust out of the tired old saying, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side." I know this to be true, but sitting in an office with two people who never took any risks (being with the company 15 and 30 years) doesn't bode well with me. They have age and experience on me, but offering this tired information as a ray of hope I'd see the light and change my mind did not make them seem like an intelligent pair who should even be in those positions. What I have finally begun to understand is that companies are in business for themselves, but what they most always forget is this: employees are also in business for themselves and times are changing again. There are more jobs out there now and this isn't 2008-2009 anymore. Best of luck to ya with that crap!

Even more so shocking was the belittlement of my youthful, inexperienced intelligence (oh how they underestimate me and my ability to solve basic math problems - goes to show you they never put much stock into me being a smart cookie to begin with). They think I'm afraid to leave them, and they are right - I am, but not for the reasons they think I should be. I'm afraid of starting over and reestablishing myself, but that's the fun part too. I'm also afraid of winding up unemployed - but nothing ventured, nothing gained. They think I'm afraid to leave their highness when really I'll just miss the people. I'm not actually afraid - I now look forward to it even more after the ****ing insult they spewed at me.

My direct supervisor started on about money and I thought for a moment she really wanted to keep me as she started speaking. She told me that I have great benefits with our company. My profit sharing is high and it's growing every year. This, including my incentive (never guaranteed, but I always get it), bumps up my salary and that I should really check into my new company's benefits because I very well could wind up breaking even. Well, I know health insurance will cost about the same. It might not be the greatest (like theirs is!) but it keeps me from being fined. I don't have mouths to feed. I don't go see a doctor unless I MUST go. I could care less about profit sharing. Money in my pocket today means I could independently save for tomorrow, for **** I actually need to pay for now. I still get vacation (OMG, they have vacation???). I still get dental (I might pay a little bit more for it, no worries). I still get a 401K (WHATTTT???). And I get to collect my additional GUARANTEED $10,000.00 more per year. I will KNOW what each and every paycheck will add up to. If I take out a loan, I don't have to say, "I make this, BUT WAIT! Before you hang up on me I get an INCENTIVE!!!" Banks don't give two ****s about your incentive (it can be be doctored in if it's very consistent, I do know this) and yearly bonus that isn't guaranteed, they want your salary to be solid and guess what! It WILL be now!!! I can't see where I'm breaking even? I'll be making more money and they ****ing know it. However, I will be making more money AND I'll be working for a new company with a whole new set of challenges and *ADVANCEMENT* ($$$) opportunities. In short, I'm stuffing this in my tired rant—she did not offer to match my offer. I should be grateful to work for a company that is so great to offer me benefits. So if I did stay and eventually ask for more money, I'd have that thrown in my face again.

Yet they tell me I'm impatient. I need to wait for this to work out, but for HOW LONG? I have developed a strong "this is going somewhere or they're full of ****" radar and I know that they were content with me being where I was for a full year and not offering me any projects to take on so I can further develop and stay engaged despite my asking for some! Nope. No. I'm done. And this meeting was a suitcase full of fluff. If I stayed now, my reputation would be damaged greatly and things would soon return to normal (like they are now). I run the very high risk of being disrespected by management and my peers if I don't take the plunge and follow through. If there is anything I'm not in my professional life - it is a flip-flopper. I save that for matters of the heart. All other areas - not one person will ever have the opportunity to take advantage of me. They can stuff it because they're all full of ****.

I'm ready to conquer. I'm on fire. I am unstoppable. I am smart. I will not let anyone try to talk me into believing I am not valuable or that I deserve less because they offer a benefit to me. It's too bad really, and I feel sorry for them for not utilizing more of my talents. To me, that is a strong sign of poor management.

Thank you, dear company, you've just made my decision easier.

Edited April 8, 2015 by LostInTheWild

April 8, 2015

Amidst the wonder of how I'll maintain my friendships with those I love with my current employer, I still have these feelings. I'm not concerned with incorporating a relationship into my life which is full of madness at all times, but I am concerned with myself.

Will it or won't it happen? Will my frozen heart finally thaw? I truly wonder if the way I feel is normal - to be disinterested in having a close, loving bond with another person. I haven't really had time to stop and think about how I will find a love of my own, a person to claim and who also claims me. Will I keep looking down, minding my own business? Will I just keep working like a workhorse until the hour comes and my head rolls? I realize now that this was one of my fears and I'm currently living it. It's not so bad.

As a little girl I always wanted to be loved by my future husband. I had fake babies, Barbie and Ken, and Cinderella that confirmed for me that it would most definitely happen. It was in the cards! How could it not happen?

Today I face back pain from an injury while working out. Age is catching up with me I suppose. I wonder how many more aches and pains I'll have to go through without someone there to comfort me and massage away all my soreness and tiredness. I could pay someone, sure, but I can't truly revel in their touch. It's uncomfortable to have strange hands on me, delivering pleasure. I wonder if the last time I'll feel an intimate touch will be from my gynecologist. Breast exam? Yay! Feel me up, doc! It's been too long! Of course the alternative is always sleeping around, which I've gotten plenty of that and no longer have the desire to do so. It's such a waste of time and I don't really want to sleep with people who aren't interested in me.

With that being said, I finally got my first pang of losing all interest in sex. I do think about what it might be like to actually be able to enjoy it again, but I can't feel arousal anymore. And that was the part of me that made me who I was. This new person - materialistic, money-hungry - I like her, but where is my desire? Can't I have that, too? Can't I have it all? LOL, it's either my job or a relationship at this point - I can't have both apparently. Because now, with a new job, I will be devoting every ounce of myself to it in order to build a future, a strong one, to win. I want to win this.

But at what cost? Where do I find the time to seek out a man? No, wait, that is the wrong way to put it. How do I incite interest within myself to be able to go out and find one? There is one in my sphere I'd like to keep as a friend but he doesn't do it for me. I'm not interested in him and yet he keeps trying to hang out while I'd rather lay around in my jammies. I met him once, last month. Staying power: minimal.

I have no desire to drink alcohol. Bars are ruled out. I haven't been to the gym - weather is too nice. My life now revolves around my job and I'm okay (!) with it! I work every Saturday!

I wonder what has happened to me. My priorities have been drastically altered. I'm okay with it though, but despite my ambition, I'm truly lacking in desire.

Where did I go?

April 13, 2015

Friday was my last official day at work. I tried not to cry all day and failed miserably towards the end. I hugged so many people. I hugged my coworkers, my bosses, managers and VP's. My friend went to lunch with me and whipped out a bag with a necklace—an elephant charm for good luck. And we both cried, me being more dramatic and infantile. We have spent nearly every day together at lunch for three years. I will miss them. All of them. And I'm terrified.

I hate changes. I really do. I've been thinking about this a lot today because of how I form my attachments. Although I'm cold and aloof, saying goodbye is not my forte. I don't really think anyone knew how much I loved them. And they've never seen me cry. Maybe I can change that. I don't want people to be shocked to find out I'll miss them and that I actually cared.

I wondered what it would be like walking out on my last day. I had envisioned opening the door and walking out into a blinding light, into brightness, into the unknown. It wasn't like that at all. I walked out sobbing nearly uncontrollably with boxes, bags — my whole life, in my arms, in the misty rain. I did offer to work Saturday to keep my department caught up. So I did just that.

I was more composed, more anxious, but regretting working at all. But I did it. And then I walked out for real...the real last time. And this time, I touched the door, pressed the lever, pushed gently...the door swung open wide. The light was blinding. The sun was blazing. The bandaid had been ripped off, promising a healing future, a successful recovery, a chance to breathe in a new life.

Tonight I'm thinking about the word "tomorrow" and how much weight it actually carries for me now. Will I wake up thinking I have much to do and actually drive to my old job? Will I forget I have a new job? Will I even be able to pull my **** together and go in? I'm scared ****less. I have an outfit picked out but I don't know if it's ****ing appropriate or too much or not enough. I have no ****ing idea what to expect. I keep telling myself to smile and nod a lot. Be agreeable. Be myself. Don't falter. Have some balls. This is the biggest change I've made in my life since I started this thread. Moving was an annoyance, but I just kicked my security to the side and now I'm out here with my balls dangling in the breeze wondering how the **** I'm supposed to handle this.

Wish me luck.

Edited April 13, 2015 by LostInTheWild

April 15, 2015

I'm entering day three of my new job. It has taken quite a bit to get used to it, but after finishing the job today, it feels like I've been there forever and we aren't even up and running yet. The company is pretty barren and quiet for now. Things still need to be organized.

I'll be honest, the first day I hated my new job. I absolutely couldn't stand it. I hated some of the people. I hated that I plopped myself into a new situation. And I hated that I didn't know what to expect. I HATED IT. I put my best on and drove out there, expecting my position to be there waiting for me and it wasn't. I'm still working on other projects that have nothing to do with what I was hired for, BUT, I'm actually starting to like it. I realize that this is what I wanted! DUH! Something different, right? So my hate has grown to like and I hope it expands into love.

The people are friendly, although some women don't seem too keen on me yet. I'm hoping their coworkerly affections grow towards me but otherwise, it seems they hate me. I hope they don't discreetly try to tear me down. It will be a rerun of the good old days at my former job before I settled and gave up on myself. I just don't want that to happen again.

My new coworker will be my team member who I can rely on. We will be working closely together. And I thanked the lord when I found out he was a man. Hallelujah. I get along better with men. He is married, has two nearly grown children, and is really laid back and relaxed. I couldn't have asked for more. The best part - he is experienced with advanced excel work...YES! Just the training I wanted but could never get! Tomorrow he will be helping me! YAY!

Anyway, I'm in training - training myself to accept my new coworkers. I'm training myself to be open to new types of work, to learning, to trying to settle myself into a new company and into a new way of life. I feel the fear deep in my belly - will this work? Am I happy? Will I be fired? And a little voice keeps whispering, "Please don't get fired." This is my greatest fear. I'm really struggling to be the best I can be with a few minor complaints, but I'm learning. I'm lying in wait. I'm waiting for time to carry me into the future where I can see myself established and proud of my hard work to contributing to a facility that is just beginning. Far into the future, I can see myself reaching high for opportunity. The opportunity I left my comfort zone for. The opportunity that will make me happy.

In other news, I'm quite surprised that I've spent an inordinate amount of time being completely alone. Here and now, on the weekends, after work, at the gym, grabbing food, while shopping...I am alone. And I hardly pay attention to that anymore. I've rendered myself completely incapable of accepting any advances, and I never see my friends anymore. My previous job was the doorway to my friendships. I can see that they're not so permanent now. I feel some of them fading. It kind of hurts but I have way too much on my plate to even worry about it now.

So after hurting my back, I decided to go to the gym to use the step mill for a nice, challenging, low-impact cardio session. I was mid-workout and I turned to look behind me because something caught my attention. It was the personal trainer, one of the two cute ones, and the one who always looks at me when I'm there. And he NEVER speaks to me, he just stares and he doesn't seem to care that I see him staring. I'm going to say something the next time I catch him because this is getting to be rude, in my opinion.

Lost In The Wild

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