Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

Contrary to popular belief, I am still dating. I finally met the artist.

 

Single, my age, no children, perfect height, a little chubby, but a lot of blonde. He has a charming, warm grin. Also, he has an art studio.

 

We laughed, talked. The usual you do on dates, but...we clicked. In a way I've been yearning to. He's gentle, non-aggressive. Just himself. And I liked his vulnerability, because I opened up more. He laid out who he was, take it or leave it.

 

He's into pottery. So he brought me a birdhouse. How many happy homes can be made in my backyard from it? I'll hang it in the spring if I'm still here.

 

Then he took me to his studio where he taught me how to use a pottery wheel. I half-expected a scene from the movie Ghost, but we kept it professional. My coffee mug is now in progress and tomorrow I go back to finish shaping it.

 

But the EMT was on my mind. If he were single, if only he were this guy...it makes me sad. I want him. But he's not mine.

 

The gentle giant, the possible S.S. Dreamboat 2,000... The ship may have arrived, but can I get on it? Can I let it carry me away?

[LostInTheWild]

I showed up at the studio right when dusk was setting in. The air was warm for a November day. The museum had multiple mosaics painted around on the grounds. A home for artists...

 

The artist stood outside waiting for me, in the heat of the night. I looked over at him when I parked and smiled, but I didn't feel up to it. I knew I had to, in order to satisfy some innate need to prove I could date normal, single men. So I got out of the car and approached him. He wrapped his arms around me and I was reminded how much of a teddy bear he really is. His hands are gigantic compared to mine. His eyes are warm and knowing...the only thing that bothers me is I can't see what color they really are. He says they're hazel, but in all different kinds of lighting they look empty and colorless to me. I know they're closer to being green, but I have no idea. I'm used to penetrating brown eyes, or even a smoldering, deep blue...and that was the color I missed.

 

Regardless, I had a freaking blast. He is so sweet to me. My mug is almost made and we laughed the whole time while he taught me what to do. Free art lessons? I'll take it. Free art lessons while laughing and admiring a cute, sweet guy? Even better. I'll enjoy it.

 

We got drinks afterwards...We talked so much and I can't drink that much anymore, so I ordered food...he pays, always. He doesn't mind that I don't have a job now. We delved deep into our pasts. However, he does one thing I don't really like anymore. He smokes weed occasionally. I don't typically take issue with this, but in a long term mate, I wouldn't want to have to change this. I explained my stance on it, and he seemed okay with it...But I don't know.

 

The issue for me is...I'm not horny for him...LOL...He's great to hang out with. He has a lot to offer, is sweet, and so very warm and caring. He may be the most normal online date I've ever had and yet, in the moment...I'm not 100% interested in him. I'm not sure if I find him attractive enough to rev my engines...I'm just not sure. My stomach is in knots around him...And even more upsetting and unsettling, I feel like I'm cheating. On the EMT.

 

See, I wonder why my phone is bricked...It's dark, black, and doesn't vibrate much anymore as he is busy and needs to tend to his family. The deer has been shot, so to speak, so it takes on less importance and effort to keep it barely alive I guess. My tempered, delicate feelings get hurt...and rightly so. It's almost as though the sweet words of yesterday do nothing to quench my thirst the following day and I feel abandoned and ignored.

 

I feel fragile, as though I'm in some sort of recovery phase where I'm getting out of a bad relationship, but trying to date someone out of my league emotionally. It's not that my self-esteem is low; it's that I'm not certain of any decisions I make. I don't even trust me anymore. I don't even trust crossing the street and not getting run over. Sometimes when I do, I wait until there are no visible, moving cars...just to make sure. Sometimes I wonder, though, what if I didn't make sure? Would a bus come by and splat me in the street? A speeding car? A wheelchair? Something? A flock of chickens?

 

I wince at these thoughts. It's like I come closer to understanding myself and the humans around me...and the more I do, the more I lose touch with the reality that was built for me, or rather, the illusion society creates. I don't like my species. Am I evolved enough to admit that? I loathe being a human being...I loathe the sleeping, walking, and eating...The suffering, the hunger, the thirst for knowledge...Oh, of course I could reproduce and watch my child explore this same concrete slab only to make the same discoveries once it's no longer cute and noticed and free...Once it, too, is bound down by societal judgments...If only to remind me there is beauty somewhere, if only I spread my genes and proliferate this idea that we are somehow...different...more "beautiful" than anything else...And I'm sorry, but humans are just...anything but...

 

I don't know what I'm here to do. I don't know what my purpose is. If it isn't to fall in love and procreate, then this journey of "discovering" myself and "waiting" for the right moments in life to strike while the iron is hot...it's futile. I'm like a kid playing with blocks that are all the same color here. Life is without color. I pick up a marker and try to color the blocks, but the finish is too thick and the colors don't last. The colors just rub off onto my hands, and I'm left wondering what else I could do to change it.

 

The artist walked me to my car after a long night of drinking and talking. It was a lot of fun, but I knew why he wanted to walk me. He wanted to kiss me. All I could allow was a tap kiss. The passion I felt growing for another has recycled itself and has been buried deep within my soul. I don't even know where to find it now.

 

I think clearly to myself these days about really not being here anymore—not being alive. Yes, I've said it. I'm not a crazy person...I just realize that time has run out for me. I'm bored. I'm tired. And I'm sick of trying to make sense of things that never were meant to be made into sense. Is emotional exhaustion a mental condition? I know depression is...and I'm definitely not depressed. I just realize this world is one I have so much contempt for...I'm disgusted, and I don't want to be apart of it anymore. I don't want to fight to stay alive, beg for help, or long for attention. Of course, YMMV...experience molds our perception. I've written down mine for the last two years. Can anyone blame me for these thoughts?

 

I'm no closer than yesterday to having a job. I'm no closer than the last two years to being free of the shackles of my mind. I'm not one year closer to meeting the "one." I'm only one year, some odd days and hours, older and wiser.

 

On Monday, I'm supposed to glaze my mug. If I can get desperate enough, I can pretend I harbor passion for the artist...and try to fall in love with him. Or maybe, I just can...

[LostInTheWild]

I went out to see my friends in my old neighborhood. As always, I've missed them. They are incredible people. Their two little kids are growing up so fast.

 

I went to the gym with my friend. We worked out and talked politics. I needed something to take my mind off of the madness unfolding around me, something to keep me sane. Some adult conversation with someone who has so much love in her heart. I honestly wish she'd just hold me sometimes like she holds her children. She's so soothing and my life is crumbling around me...it would make me feel better.

 

At the gym, we worked out and she told me how tiny I am. I don't feel tiny at all. I feel like a giant who has to conquer everything in my life. I need to bark loud and bite harder. I am "tall." I am "large." And I bite the hell out of everyone who crosses me.

 

I couldn't push myself. I had coffee and a grim look on my face. My face contorts into this look when something is bothering me...and I can't even describe it. I think I look like I'm in such incredible pain. I remember this look, from years ago, when my ex dumped me. But that doesn't matter. The past is the past.

 

As the day wore on, I went to therapy and described my feelings for the artist to her. She understood and told me I need to clutch onto those feelings rather than ignore them. She thinks he might be a closet alcoholic...and of course, he smokes weed. Not my style at all, but he has a nice personality. What disturbed her more were the altercations he got into with his brothers...with fighting. He explained that he punched a hole through a door, which could be my face someday. Maybe this is what I need to learn...to act on my instincts. Not every guy will be the right guy. I need to stop trying to force it. I force it because my friends tell me to give it time. I do so, and then **** hits the fan. She suggested I get my mug and get the hell out of dodge. LMAO. Hey, it's free!

 

After therapy, I met up with my friends and their children again. We walked around a parking lot to check out the food trucks. I wasn't hungry, but I watched them pig out while I typed up ridiculous text messages on my phone. They offered me food, and even though I hadn't eaten, I couldn't agree to it. I still haven't eaten. I wish I never had the urge to eat again.

 

Then we went back to their house. We hung out for a while, fixing up her daughter's birthday cake. She made icing for it. Watching her chop up the chocolate for it was so...relaxing for some reason. I just watched her with her exhausting, "Chop, chop, chop..." and I almost cried. Watching her do that, just reminded me of my life being flaked up, chopped finely, and heated to a simmer. I had to run to the bathroom so she couldn't see, but when I got there, I realized I didn't need to cry...I needed to scream. I'm sick of being sad around her, but she feels like my last safe place to be sad. I wish she knew that.

 

And then she started talking about her friends having children, her own children, and the love she expressed while saying all of these things...I just couldn't handle it. I felt suffocated and so I stepped outside to smoke. I hated myself. I felt dirty. I felt like I was going to vomit. Then I went back in and she said, "We need to find you someone who is ready to settle down who you're also attracted to..."And I thought I felt a glimmer of hope, "Well, where? Because guys online..." And she said, "Yeah, no, not online."

 

She sees my pain. I don't think she's seen me happy in maybe over four years. After we first met, things started to get really bad with my ex, and I haven't been the same since. I can't remember the last time I smiled ear-to-ear and meant it without hiding pain or asking myself how this person will hurt me. I get tired of wondering that. Even with new people—women, too—how are they going to screw me over? It just seems like that's all this is about...being smarter, playing harder, jabbing faster...Study the prey...make the kill...

 

Her daughter had gotten a new present, some play-jewelry and a purse. I knelt down with her while her mother iced the cake. I said, "Let me put this necklace on you...Ohhh, it's so pretty..." and she bowed her three-year-old head down to me. I fastened the necklace. She looked up at me. I picked up her little, clip-on earrings and said, "Let me put these on...turn your head for me please." And she did. I said, "Wow, you look sooo pretty now." And she reached for her purse. I noticed some bracelets lying nearby. She let me put them on her, too. I wanted to cry again...I don't even know why. I guess it was just the way it happened. Her innocence, and trust, and her loving mother...it was almost too much.

 

I went into the kitchen to write, "Happy Birthday, ****" on her cake. I felt good doing that. Like, at least there was something I could do that would brighten the little one's day. They will have that memory, and my friend will remember me that way. It took my mind off of things, just drawing aimlessly, hoping I got it as perfect as possible.

 

I sat on their couch in front of a mirror to watch television, but I just stared at myself. Where will I be in a year? Still crying about how my life isn't what I thought it would be? Or whining on LS? Something...It will be something new or old next year. Something won't go right or happen for me. Something will change. Something will make me snap.

 

"I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown," I told her. I wanted her to tell me I wouldn't or that it was normal to be someone like me. She said, "Things aren't that bad are they?" And I looked down at my feet, "Well, yeah, they are." She said she didn't know if I was. She didn't pay attention to psych classes in school (she's a nurse).

 

Ah well, the night wound down and I left. I drove to the store to get beer, then made my one-hour drive home. I finally cried. Then I stopped. The next sad song came on and I cried again. I hit the highway and felt like jumping out of my speeding car, doing something, anything, running...And I just screamed...loudly...like a child. But I couldn't hear it. It was too much pressure. I couldn't release it any other way. I didn't know what else to do. My life...my terrible, loveless life.

Edited November 21, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Today, I thought I'd take a different approach and detail an excursion. I don't really like posting about this because it taints my thread, but it's a huge part of the journey. Maybe one day I can look back at how poor my decisions were. Maybe I can look back and get angry at myself. Or maybe I can look back and say, "I deserved it." Of course I already know all of this in the present, but maybe in a few years I can value it, learn from it, something.

 

The night I posted my last post, there was something bothering me. It had been eating away at me since I hadn't seen the EMT in over a week. The reality of everything sort of sunk in—yes, he's really married. No, he really doesn't have time to carry on an affair. I started to seethe once he canceled on me again. This is why I long for work, why I so badly need something to bury myself in. I think of the past when I had a job and when things fell apart in my life, at least I had something to hold on to. I long to rewind time and have that safety hovering over me again. But it's gone.

 

I told him I was done once he dodged my question of whether he'd be able to make it or not. It did hurt. It hurt more than I imagined it would. The fact of the matter was I wasn't done. I wanted him and I wanted him to want me and make time for me. I'm not used to this. I'm not used to being last and if I am ever last, I find a way to put myself first. In this situation, I can't do that.

 

He asked me if I'd met someone else, and I told him I hadn't. I told him I wanted him and I wanted to see him. I called him a selfish @sshole and ranted at him through a couple of texts. He said he couldn't make it and that was that. I didn't expect to hear from him again.

 

Later that night, he emerged with a simple text, "Hey :)" And I ignored it. Then he sent, "It's ok if you're mad at me." Then I had to respond. "Is it now?"

 

We started talking. He said he felt bad and that he was worried about me. He claimed he missed me a lot and wants to see me but that he's just trying to be smart about it all. I asked him if he was close to getting caught and he told me that he just can't pull the staying late bit as often or at all because his wife is watching his checks now. She's asking questions about whether or not he's going to actually get paid for those days he's stayed late. He told me he has to pursue the gym membership thing or other options to be with me. Then he suggested I meet him near his job and that we could have a quickie. I'd get to see him more often that way. I didn't even realize that this was an option, and although I was excited, I realized how it cheapened things.

 

Then he started telling me that I'm the best lover he's ever been with. I've shown him new things and raised his awareness of what sex can be like. This prompted me to ask him if he was seeking new sexual experiences. He said he was. Then I told him that it is better for me to know that rather than just believe he had a "bad marriage" when he doesn't. I suggested that since he only wants sex, we can change gears to just that with no need to pretend or fluff it up. He asked if that was what I really wanted. I told him that I didn't, but that I'd rather not be lied to and that I didn't know what he was thinking making this stuff up. He seemed to get a bit offended and asked me what I was talking about. He told me he does have a bad marriage and he never said he just wanted sex. He wanted new experiences, but he didn't want meaningless sex. He padded that with he likes me a lot and he's into me more than just to get off. He admitted he did want adventure and to try new things, but he also wanted a connection too. He says he still can't believe he found me. And then he said something that made me curious.

 

I've never asked him if he had intentions of leaving his wife. Sure, when I discovered it, he told me they had almost split up before, but she got pregnant again. It's not really my business to be involved in that or to try to encourage him to leave her. The more I know of him though, the more fond I get, and the more I want from him...but I'm trying to stay grounded. There won't be a magical light bulb that appears over his head that means he immediately knows he wants to leave his marriage and children. That will never happen. "He'll never leave his wife for you..." Rings and burns through my ears at all times—the truth, and although it hurts, I love the truth. I need this the most when I am living a lie. The most I tell him, ever, is that I miss him and want him. That's all. But the curious things he says sometimes, kind of catches me off guard. "You're so perfect for me in so many ways," or "You're someone I can actually see myself with." And I always ignore it or I tell him, "I don't want to let you go." And he will say, "Please don't. I'm not stopping." Then he reminded me that I have to be patient with him sometimes and that I shouldn't think that because a lot of time passes, he doesn't care about me or want to be with me.

 

Here we have a man who is protecting his marriage, his image, his life, but is making so many mistakes and risking losing everything. I will never understand why, I will never understand how men can do this. He's so confident that he can get away with it too. He tells me to let him worry about her, etc. and I can't help but wonder what he's actually doing to hide this. What's he saying to her? I mean, does he go home and profess undying love after a rendezvous with me? I don't think he does. I don't even know what he really gets out of this. And I'll explain that later.

 

And then last night, although he was supposed to come to see me, he canceled that and asked me to come out to meet him near his job. For a little adventure and excitement, I donned a mid-length coat...and wore nothing underneath. Just a scarf and my high heels. I set my GPS and I drove out to meet him. My heart skipped and raced as I got closer and closer to where I needed to be to see him. I got to the parking lot...and he wasn't there yet. We were meeting at the place where he might get a gym membership. I scanned the lot, looked in the mirror, and fidgeted while waiting. I looked to the road and watched cars driving by in the night, wondering which one would be him.

 

About five minutes later, he appeared. He pulled up next to me with a huge smile on his face and motioned for me to get in his car. I was about to get out but then he got out and came over to my car. "Can I leave this in your car?" he asked, pointing to his phone. And I realized that his wife might check his location and rather than turning it off so she couldn't see where he was, she could check it and see he was "still at work." It would look that way on the maps because we were only across the street from his job. Brilliant...and it looked like he was a total jerk. I forget he's married sometimes...until he pulls something like that. Sneaky...but I've done sneaky things too.

 

And then, I hopped into his car for the first time. It was immaculate. He turned up his radio and said, "See? I knew I'd get you to listen to country music sometime..." And I laughed at him as we crept around to find a place to park. "I don't even know how people get into country music!" But then I realized I had left the condoms in my purse, which was in my car...so we had to go back. I grabbed them, feeling foolish and then we tried again.

 

We found a dark parking lot and stopped. "Do you like my uniform? You've never seen me in the whole thing. I usually take most of it off before I come to see you." I leaned over to look at him, the lights on his dash providing enough light for me to make an accurate assessment. "Why yes, you look very good in it. What do you think of this?" I removed my scarf, and took off my high heels. He started to get undressed. He had remarked earlier how he thought I was wearing a dress under my coat...I undid it, and peeled it off. He was fidgeting with his jacket when he looked up and saw me sitting there, naked. "Oh my god..." he whispered and quickly got undressed.

 

I climbed into his back seat and leaned over to the driver's side to kiss him as deeply as I could. He climbed back with me and adjusted the seats so we'd have more room. I straddled his lap facing him and kissed him...hugging him, running my fingers through his hair, pressing my naked body up against his, wishing he were mine. He was so warm and although there was nothing safe about being with him, I felt safe and whole. I tried to fight that feeling, but I kissed him harder and let everything fall into place. I felt him slipping inside of me, and I cried out into his mouth.

 

With the windows fogged, he sat back and tried to find something to throw the used condom away. He was very unprepared. During, he was very paranoid, looking around. I found the car to be uncomfortable, but it was better than nothing. In a moment where he was behind me, I realized...he has never done this before. He didn't know what he was doing, and he was incredibly afraid he would get caught. I tried to entice him for another round, but the equipment was overheated by an overwhelming sense of paranoia and fear. His head was getting to him. I sat back in his lap and he apologized saying, "I'm sorry, once I get used to this we shouldn't have this problem again." I wrapped my body around his and nuzzled my face in his neck. "It's okay sweetie. I understand. It happens sometimes." And we kissed for a while longer, his arms tightening around me, pulling me in closer.

 

"I miss you..." I whispered into his ear. "I have too. If only I could sleep next to you, and wake up with you...I would have you right away in the morning," he said, nuzzling my neck, kissing me. I sat back and looked him in his eyes...his big, blue, puppy dog eyes. "Do you feel relaxed with me?" I asked. "Well, as much as I could be, I guess. I will never be able to fully relax, but I could fall asleep in your arms," he admitted. I told him some guys have told me it feels like they're on vacation with me. I giggled, "Do you feel like that?" He looked surprised, "No, not exactly. I just worry about getting caught." And I understood that he would never be able to enjoy me...or having an "us"...and I felt kind of sad. Is it worth it? Is doing something like this really worth it? Paranoia...never being able to fully enjoy moments that are surrounded by pleasure...This night, we spent a lot more time talking and joking around. I love seeing him smile. I love feeling his warmth. I love feeling him touch me. It's worth it to me, for right now, for these moments. I have nothing to lose. He has everything to lose.

 

So, last night was maybe the worst sex we've had yet. It felt good, but I don't know if it was worth all the trouble. He was very disorganized. I minimized it by disposing of condoms and things, but we got his seat messy...and he wouldn't accept my help (towels, things like that). I don't know why.

 

Then it was time to get dressed. I sat back in the front seat. He grabbed his clothes and started putting them back on. I pulled the lever under the seat and went flying back as the seat moved away from the dash. "Whoooo!!! I should get me one of these cars! I can ride the seat! Hahaha!" And I kept pulling the lever, moving the seat up and letting it fly back. He laughed at me. Soon we were dressed and back on the road. He turned up the country music again and I laughed, "Well, this might be the second thing I don't like about you!" And he asked, "What? What's the first thing? Haha!" And I squealed, "YOU'RE MARRIED! What? Did you think you were perfect or something?" And he got embarrassed, flushed, and chuckled.

 

We pulled up to my car and he leaned over the console to kiss me. I pulled him in for a hug. I got out of the car, feeling the difficulty of leaving. He got out, too, and asked me to take the trash. I obliged. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him in tightly. It was tough to get away from him. It was hard to let him go. And he seemingly felt the same way, but that is only an assumption. It was supposed to be a "quickie" but we kissed and hugged for almost two hours after sex...As I pulled away, He grabbed for my coat, trying to rip it open..."You are asking for a ball tapping..." I warned.

 

Then he left. I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes wondering what good it was to come out here. I got my emotional tune-up for the week but what was I hoping to gain? I looked in my rear view mirror before I took off and there was his car creeping up behind me. He pulled up beside me and hopped out. "I need my phone!!! I am so glad you didn't leave or I'd be chasing you down the freeway lol." I handed it to him and we split.

 

He texted me, asking if I made it home okay. I told him I did and that I was hating that I missed him already, but that I did have a good time. "Aww baby..." He texted back. I got the bright idea to ask him if he had a twin. "Haha why?" he asked. "For a substitute..." I joked. "Lol, well if I had one I'd leave him here and come be with you myself."

Edited November 22, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

On my way to see the artist, after such an eventful day—job searching, having my mom take my dog for a while, running my favorite trail, and seeing my therapist, some weird things started to happen.

 

Three weird things in one night.

 

I've been somewhat stressed lately over the lack of communication from the EMT. I figure he wants me to back off, or give him some room, which I found easy to do today. I have nothing to say really...what can I say? Can I show him pictures of the trail? I huffed and puffed as I paused during my run, arms outstretched, phone snapping pictures of the lake in my hometown. Surely, he'd love to see this, or so I thought. I stopped a few more times as I circled the lake...some misty sun shone through the leaning and fallen trees that lined the paths, with dead leaves covering everything. It was beautiful. I later stopped at a gas station and the light hit my face in such a way, I thought he'd might like to see that, too. I took a few pictures. He will love this. Only, I couldn't send them. I couldn't find the energy or courage to chase him today. And he wasn't chasing me. I felt disappointed as the day wore on, but I was so busy, I barely had time to notice. I decided I wouldn't say anything to him at all today, even if he did text me.

 

I arrived home and chatted on the phone with my friend who asked me to babysit tomorrow. I don't know how to babysit, but I will do it for her. I'm sure I can keep two youngsters alive. I hope they don't starve. Then I quickly got off the phone with her, washed the day away, and prepared for my date with the artist.

 

Today, we were supposed to glaze some of his creations, and my mug. I dreaded it. I honestly didn't want to go and have to pretend that I was interested in anything more than friendship. I begrudgingly got ready and told myself that I won't know this for a while. I just have no way of knowing if this is what I want or not because I do not know him.

 

I froze my ass off walking to my car. I hopped in and it was still warm so I got lucky. I pulled out and though I heard a faint sound of an ambulance, then it disappeared. I went on my usual way, stopping at the stop sign, approaching the bend in my quiet road. The sirens got louder. I saw a glimpse from ahead of an ambulance racing down the street, so I flew up to the light just in time to see...the ambulance passing by. It was from HIS area...I thought I saw HIM. I thought he saw MY car. I'll never know.

 

So, I continued on to the date and got lost trying to get to his studio even though I've been there twice before. I tried a different way, the whole time, the EMT was on my mind. "Why does it have to be like this? Why? Why is this happening to me? I like someone who is married...who hasn't even contacted me today...why?"

 

I arrived and got out. I checked my phone again, hopeful, but it was barren. Once full of greetings, morning and night...now lay dormant, buried in time. "This is the beginning of the end..." I thought. I approached the door...walked inside...there were wine glasses and a vase with flowers made out of clay, next to a giant bottle of wine...and my mug. How sweet.

 

I painted it slowly, letting it relax me...thinking of things to say to this man who is so obviously crazy about me. He poured me some wine, then he poured some more, even after I told him I wasn't trying to drink much...this irritated me. He had a DUI before, I found out, yet here he was drinking quite heavily 6 years later and he was prepared to drive. Mmm'kay.

 

I checked my phone periodically...hoping for a crumb, something from the EMT even though I had decided that I wouldn't respond...nothing. I painted slowly, carefully, reflecting on why things couldn't be the way they were when we first met. I had such a hard time coming to terms with the truth. I had such a hard time coming to terms with what was...and what could've been. But my focus...my focus on this mug could've cracked it. I bore holes through it with my eyes, trying to avoid the artist. Soft music flooded my ears and I wanted to cry. I wanted to dramatically stand up, seat thrown back into the wall, and just scream at the top of my lungs until the only thing left were tears. But I didn't. I just kept glazing.

 

I took small sips of my wine, wanting to just chug it all and drown my sorrows...to be back home would've been great. I fought the urge. I'm not that person anymore. I'm not her. I'm someone new. Someone older, wiser, stronger, more simple yet oh-so-complex. The artist interrupted my thoughts when we were done...he wanted to do something more. Like? He wanted to grab a drink with me. I told him I wouldn't be able to drive if I did that, so I suggested we eat somewhere. So that's what we did after he gave me the vase and flowers he made. (Yep, guys, I got another pottery vase, but this one has permanent pottered flowers).

 

We talked and I shut down. I wasn't as animated. Maybe I was just tired from the long day. I had contemplated breaking my vow of silence and texting the EMT to ask what was wrong with him, or "us." But...I can't ask that anymore. I lost all energy in me to do this. I'm worried about someone who will never worry about me the way I want him to. And that was all I needed to know. I still checked my phone once I crept into the bathroom for a quiet moment. And there was a notification...a text...from him. "Hey sexy *kiss face*" I felt...nothing. I felt like the quote from Shawshank Redemption..."Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." Which could I choose? I desire him; I desire to know his mind, his heart, his dreams, his fears...his person. I will never know. There is nothing more frightening than that when it comes to other people.

 

I never said anything. I ignored it and went back to my date, satisfied that I'd heard something at least. But then I realized I had another problem, the artist, is not my type. He is intelligent. He can hold conversations. But he isn't who I want. And he isn't smarter than me. He didn't even know what "aloof" meant. In conversation, I know what these words mean and I use them...It bothered me.

 

The night came to a close because I couldn't finish my beer. The food was fantastic, and I ate it all just to absorb some of the wine and pad my stomach so I couldn't finish the beer. I leaped up out of my chair and told him I had to go because I was babysitting for my friend in the morning, which I am, and that I couldn't continue drinking because of that. My friend is counting on me. He made a joke about how I still had enough time, but I was done.

 

We walked out to my car, talked a bit more, then he leaned in and kissed me twice—tap kisses. I didn't want any Frenching going on. It wasn't my interest. I did find out he is well endowed, but only through conversation. I thought bringing up sex would make me feel better, but it didn't. Nothing does anymore. I can't give myself to him. I can't give myself to the one I want. I can't give myself to anyone.

 

The artist seemed sad that I couldn't stay out and that I couldn't hang out. I told him we could do Sunday. After Sunday, if I'm not feeling anything...after I get my mug, I'm cutting ties. I can't do it. I'm not ready right now. I'm not smitten. I'm not carried away. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not...

 

I drove down to the light and turned to go home, my head spinning, not from the alcohol, but from the madness of it all. I was approaching the light on a one way street when an ambulance pulled into the one way lane and almost blocked my path. Well, what does this mean? How should I take this? I need an enema to remove the blockage? A concussion? I need to crash head-on into someone? What is it now? Nah...he just wanted to drive up the wrong street.

 

I couldn't help it though...I saw a lot of ambulances today. I once told the EMT, "I'll never look at an ambulance the same way again..." I'll never ride in one either. I've already gotten the ride of my life. The unhappy ride to hell, where you find out what is wrong, where you dread the needles, when you know everything might not be okay, sirens ringing...Pain.

Edited November 24, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

So, I'm visiting my cousins right now. I haven't seen them in a few years. It's strange, all the memories that get dredged up and brought to the forefront of the mind. Everyone looks older...more tired, and entwined in their lives. But happy.

 

My cousin's mom — yes, the cousin who betrayed me last year by inviting my ex into her life while booting me out — told me that said cousin would like me to call her because she lost her phone and didn't have my number.

 

I knew this would happen when I came here. I half expected to see her, but she's not here. I told her mom I would. Some time passed and she asked if I called her. I asked her if she knew what happened between us. She had no comment. I told her that she really hurt me and that I wasn't eager to speak with her, so in due time, I may. Not today. I don't even know what to tell her.

 

What do I say if I call her? This has dangled over my head like a black cloud. My cousin was like my sister and she betrayed me in a way I deem unforgivable. I'm not sure how to go about it because I've held this deep grudge for so long and I have so much hate for her. What can she possibly say to me now to change this? What can be mended that is so broken?

 

More to come. I have another story to tell that wraps around this one.

[LostInTheWild]

I climbed into the car when my parents picked me up to take me out to see my cousins. My dad sat in the back. I glanced up at him and said, "Hi." It's been months since I've seen him. Another grudge held.

 

I can't say I've missed him all that much. He's a decent dad nowadays, but I'm not sure I can forgive him for everything else. I'm not really holding a grudge, but I know as an adult, I have the option to just not talk to someone who will talk to me like I'm a piece of dirt.

 

I rode there in silence.

 

***

 

"I'm never going to talk to that bitch again," I've muttered over a few dates in the past, "and if I ever see her again, I've got some choice words for her." My dates usually stared at me in silence after I told the story of how me and my cousin went our separate ways in life. I could feel the pain brewing as I thought about it, as the words came boiling up into my mouth, teeth clenched...rage, such passionate hate. For nearly two years, this burden...this grudge I've carried with me, not knowing how much it really affected everything, just simmered in the background of my daily life waiting to be brought up.

 

She was my best friend, my sister. We had fallen out before, but never for this long. We had always made up. We did everything together. We broke the law, got revenge, laughed until we cried, lied to each other, cried with each other. There is nothing else like a relationship like the one we had. And it's completely demolished. I'm not sure if her actions did this, mine, or we both did.

 

Tonight, at my family's home, I crept into the bathroom and stared into the mirror, thinking about how I could even begin to call her. I was already in layers of pain from everything else in my life, and this one scab was picked open...family divided, love...gone (all originating from a wedding). And I burst into tears. She had no idea how much she hurt me...Now all of a sudden she cares?

 

***

 

The EMT...

 

We got into a conversation a few nights ago about me coming out to meet him at his job, and he told me he was working late, so he wasn't sure if he could or not. I sent a few irritated texts after coming home from babysitting, but then I felt better and started making jokes with him. We went a few rounds and then, without prompting...

 

"LITW, where were you 8 years ago?" he asked me. Based on what I've read before about "dating" married men, I kind of expected this kind of talk would come up. And of course, I never really try to feed it. "I feel like I know you from a previous life or something," he continued. "You're way too much of a catch to be my sex slave."

 

I brushed it off and told him I wasn't much when I was young. He asked me why I wasn't and I told him it was because I didn't know what I wanted. I explained that the 20's are just for finding yourself, and I'm glad I got that opportunity. I also told him I didn't want to be his sex slave. He replied, "Well, I like you now."

 

He keeps telling me he likes me. It's sweet, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it. I told him I like him, too. Then I asked him if he really thought I was a catch, haha. He said, "LITW, I still feel the same as when we were first getting to know each other...You're perfect for me in so many ways [there's that line again]." So this time, I told him I'd be his by now, if everything were different. And my heart sank. "Exactly. I would have moved in by now lol," he said. I asked him if this is something he actually thinks about. "Being able to see you all day and go to bed with you every night? Yes." We ended this conversation joking around a little bit more, and with him promising that since because he couldn't see me that night, he'd come to my house the next no matter what.

 

For some reason, I don't know how to feel about the things he says. Yeah, it could be fluff, no doubt about it, but I wonder when I'll actually start believing what he tells me. And still, that feeling I get..where I want everything to be different, but it's just not, won't escape me. It feels a lot like denial. I know the truth, but my soul wants everything to be different. If only, if only, if only everything were different. But it's not. It's haunting and it burns. My fingers are so close to the fire...I can feel the passion from the flames...singeing me.

 

***

 

We arrived at the house. My dad still hadn't spoken a word to me on the ride up. But then, he fell out of the car. He sat in the backseat and the seat belt had gotten tangled around his leg, so he was hanging half-in, half-out. I realized he was okay and started dying laughing. His pride was hurt more than anything else. I tried to help him up. My mom tried. We couldn't do it because the seat belt locked.

 

My cousin came out and fixed it by picking him up. He was fine, just a bruised ego. I wish I would've gotten a picture of it, though. It was absolutely hilarious. However, we still didn't say much during the visit.

 

I want to love him and talk to him and make this better, but I'm done sucking up to him. He never apologizes for anything. And I'm always the one who has to be sorry.

 

***

 

I sat outside in the cold, in the dark, on the porch smoking. I couldn't get my cousin off my mind. She was all over their house, in wedding pictures, with her child, her husband. A steady progression of her life...her accomplishments. I wouldn't even know where to start with her. Where would I begin to pick up the pieces?

 

Then I heard the house phone ring. "****...I know that's her," I thought.

 

"LITW!!! LITW!!!" my cousin's mom yelled through the house. I knew my cousin wanted to speak to me. I guess it was now or never, but I pretended not to hear her. I didn't want to do it.

 

**** her. I sat in silence and took another drag.

 

***

 

I tried not to think about the fact that he's married as I cleaned and straightened up everything. "Just take these little moments of happiness you do get," I told myself. But I wondered when these moments wouldn't be enough. Will I ever have that moment?

 

Time wound down so I ran to the store quickly to grab some cigarettes and to buy a snickers bar. The snickers bar was meant to be a joke because I asked him before if I could ever buy him a present, should I want to. He said it depended on what it was, like "if it were a snickers bar, I could eat that on the way home." So to make it funny, I got one that said "SLEEPY" printed on the wrapper in place of the snickers logo since he's always tired when he gets here. I chuckled to myself as I drove home.

 

I pulled out my teddy and put it on for him. If I'm going to do this, I might as well do it right. Make it fun. Be the fantasy for him, and hide my life even from myself. This can be my fantasy, too.

 

***

 

My dad played with one of my little cousins for most of the evening. I couldn't help but feel as though I've failed him by not having children. I have only recently discovered that in some ways, he wished I had one so he could help.

 

I feel guilty for depriving him of the grandfather experience, but for the life of me, I can't find a suitable partner. I know these are the wrong reasons for having children, but when I saw him playing with my cousin, I felt sorry.

 

Why can't I have those things? The pictures hanging on the walls full of marriages and children. A home filled with laughter from the extended family I created for myself...I could settle, that's for certain, but I don't want to bundle my life up with someone who I can't see being around long term. I don't want to be shackled by having children to someone who hits me, cheats on me, or who isn't successful. And I want the passionate love that burns brightly and then sizzles, then simmers all throughout our lives together.

 

I never want to look back and feel like I made a mistake by choosing the wrong person, as so many people often do. I miss my early 20's when that was easy. Relationships were easy. Love was free. And easy to come by. Where did it go?

 

Dad, I'm sorry...I whispered in my mind.

 

***

 

"LITW!!! Hey, go tell her that her cousin is on the phone!" I heard my cousin's mom tell someone. "****, I guess I'm not getting out of this. Let me confront this then," I said to myself.

 

My little cousin came to the door to get me and I got up, slowly. Almost two years of hate, passion, and love dug into me, coring my heart. Why was she cornering me? I don't NEED to get back to her. I could just let her mom know that I wasn't interested, and that would be that.

 

As soon as I walked through the door, though, I felt like this weight of hatred and anger towards her was too much to keep carrying. I'd have one less awful story to tell my dates, one less reason to be angry, one less reason to hate my life. It was full with her in it. She did make me happy when we were friends.

 

Her mom covered the receiver on the phone, "You can take this outside. It's kind of loud in here." She knew we needed to talk. I took the phone, and it burned in my hand as I made my way to the door. It weighed a thousand pounds full of hate and anger.

 

I touched the handle to the door, and held the phone to my ear as I stepped out. "Hey," I said in a flat tone.

 

***

 

The conflict in my mind is surreal whenever he comes to see me. Why am I waiting for another woman's husband to show up at my door? I peeked outside the window at the right moment to see him approaching my door. His company EMT logo gave him away as it was illuminated by the street lights. Why do I miss him? Why do I feel excited? Why does he make me feel alive?

 

He had texted, before he left to see me, "Don't get excited or anything." As if to say I wasn't freaking out enough. He didn't know I was wearing this fancy piece when he got here. He knocked. I waited at the bottom of the stairs waiting a while before I went to answer the door. It's time...wish granted...

 

I opened the door to the chilly night. He stood there and the cold air surrounded him. His face lit up and he didn't look tired. "Does this look excited enough for you?" I said with a chuckle and he burst through the door with a smile on his face. I stepped back as he closed the door. I took a moment to look up at him, towering over me. He said nothing. Then he grabbed me and pushed me into the side of the couch. I put my arms around his neck and our mouths met. He took off his EMT coat, with the lie of his last name embroidered on it, staring me in the face. He picked me up, and I pulled my mouth away to look him in his eyes.

 

"I've missed you," I said. "Me too..." he responded and he kissed me again. I nuzzled his neck as he took off his boots and carried me up the stairs to my bedroom. "Am I heavy?" I asked him. "No, not at all. That was easier than I thought it would be!"

 

He laid me down on the bed, kissing me, then stood up to take off his clothes. And miss him, I sure did. I realized how much I wanted him, the real him...I wanted to know him. And this was all I'd be afforded. Nothing else. At least I know I'm right about something in my life and maybe I need this "sure thing" that isn't sure at all to prove to myself that I know the trajectory of one thing, because I don't know where my life will be in the future.

 

***

 

"Why can't we just be adults and work this out? I know you don't want to talk to me but I'm your family, and as you know, you can't get rid of me!" My cousin said in a too-jovial tone. It didn't make me angry, but it did cut me deeper to know that she thought nothing of it. Like we could just make up no problem, like all the other times.

 

"Uh, well, what you did was pretty ****ed up. I'm not going to lie," I responded, with a slight chuckle. She is very disarming and I've forgotten how vicious and kind she can be all at the same time. I've never met anyone like her. She is a person that can instill fear in anyone just with a few clicks and wags of her tongue. She can also bring joy and happiness...she says things the right way, knowing just what to say.

 

"I know. I know I should have done things differently," she said. "All of this over your wedding. You invited my ex into your life knowing everything he did to me. Let me tell you, if your husband did anything like this to you, I would have disowned him and you know that," I explained, trying not to cry.

 

"I can't really talk to you like I want to right now. I'm standing in line waiting for Black Friday. We need to talk about this like adults. Let's get some wine, beer, or something and we can talk about it then," she suggested. "I'm la familia honey, even if bad things happen we need to work it out before you die, or I may very well die first," she continued. I listened in skepticism.

 

This person could crush me again...Do I want that?

 

"You were like my sister," I whispered into the phone, getting upset. "I know and I'm not saying we have to go back to the way we were, but there is more to it than my wedding and we can talk about it," she said.

 

"There's more to it than the wedding, huh? Well that's news to me. So, are you still in contact with my ex?" I asked her. "No, we stopped talking a while ago. I've been trying to get a hold of you for six months. I had to get a new phone and I've been sending you texts and everything and you never responded," she said. "Well, what phone number do you have?" I asked. She read it off to me and it was my old house phone number. I told her it was and she said that I should text her and we will set up a time to meet up and talk things out.

 

"You hurt me so badly, and then you invited him to family functions and ****," I cried. "Family functions? Look I know I need to apologize to you for this. There's so much more to it than this though," she said. "You don't know what I'm talking about? Your father told me he met his girlfriend. I know that's what happened," I accused.

 

She explained that she had thrown a party and that his girlfriend doesn't like her, and they didn't get along. I think she's lying. She said that they only hung out a few times, but I reminded her that he met her child and I still have yet to do so.

 

That's messed up. She wants to talk about family? Fix that. Talk about that. Yeah, we had issues before my ex and a break up that I thought would blow over, but she, in my mind, made it irreparable by doing all these things. I'm sure they commiserated together about what a terrible person I am and how I wronged him, etc. BACKSTABBER!

 

***

 

After a lengthy sex session, I collapsed beside the EMT, feeling sore and tired for the first time since we've been seeing each other. "I'm getting back into shape," he laughed, "or maybe I'm just not as tired," he admitted. "You were great. I didn't expect that at all," I cooed, trying to offer the ego boost I know he probably wanted.

 

I leaned up to see him as he laid on his back. Now it was time for the pillow talk, the hallmark of every affair that ends up between the sheets. The get-to-know-you-little-by-little-and-create-false-intimacy talks. I looked him in his eyes..."Oh my god, your eyes..." I whispered. I traced my hands over his face and through his hair so I would remember it in some way. The way his skin feels, the mole on his cheek, his copper hair..."You do know you're very good looking, right?" I asked him. He looked at me like...he was skeptical or something. "Well, I have had a couple of nurses try to slip me their numbers before. I didn't want to cheat. I just gave the numbers to my friend," he told me. He said that he gained a lot of confidence when he became an EMT, so I guess the profession does change people in some ways. "You know, I love seeing you, when you show up to my house I get so excited and I open the door, there you stand with your sheepish smile," I admitted. He laughed.

 

The memory I wish I could take with me and never forget was how the light illuminated the side of his face, with his deep, blue eyes staring at me as I climbed back on top of him and kissed him. As we started again he whispered, "Oh my god you love it, don't you?" His eyes get more "puppy-like" each time I see him. "Look me in the eyes, I want to see you. I want to see how good I make you feel," he whispered. Last night, I noticed his eyes more because he wasn't tired. If nothing else, this is the other memory I want and I want to remember how he smells. Three things...give me these three things. That's all I ask. But I know I'll forget.

 

***

 

"Please, let's just set up a time to talk about this. We need to talk, unless you don't want to and that's fine too," my cousin said with persistence.

 

I took a deep breath and stared out into the evening sky. Ah, Thanksgiving...I hate you. I never get **** out of anything, only **** sandwiches. Feed me another. And I realized, I don't want to live with this anymore. It's a ****ing awful memory to have, and a difficult grudge to carry. It's tearing me apart. My mom thinks I should forgive because she's family. I asked her if that is something I should just hand out freely and sneered at her because she's a pushover who made me into one. But when does it end?

 

"Look, I don't want to carry this around anymore [name]. I'm tired of it, so yeah, let's talk about it. When are you off?" I asked. And so we will meet this Saturday.

 

"Okay, now don't try to blow me off or something or I'm coming up to [name of my city]!!!" she warned.

 

We got off the phone and I felt depleted. I don't know if I can forgive her, but I also wonder what her real problem was with me now. It will probably make me angry when she confesses. We're all adults now? We were then, too. I'll probably say something smart about it and we will fight again.

 

I walked inside and handed her mom the phone. No, I didn't feel better.

 

***

 

I rolled into his side after he laid down and my hands stretched back up to his face. I leaned over him once again, planting kisses on him here and there and staring into the blue. I was so very tired. He closed his eyes and let me caress his face. "You look younger when you're well-rested," I told him. "Sleep does a lot for me, huh? I didn't have someone keeping me up all night texting me these past few days..." he laughed, hinting that the "someone" was me. "Oh, shut the **** up," I teased. It's true though, as I haven't been saying much to him lately. And he hasn't been texting me as often.

 

We talked for a bit, him sharing some stories about things, me sharing a little. "I don't want you to go," I said. "I know. I don't want to go...soon it will be time to work an extra shift," he said, hinting that he would spend that time with me. I wonder how he'd do that when he said, "I don't care, I'll figure it out." "So I'd get more time?" I asked him. "Yes, LITW, I know you want more...that I do know."

 

"I got you something, as a little joke," I reached over and opened my bedside drawer, revealing the snickers bar. "It says: SLEEPY, because you're always tired!!! Hahaha..." I exclaimed. He laughed and said he'd eat it on his way home. "Happy Thanksgiving," I said and kissed him. Then he looked kind of tormented, kind of torn (but, this is only an assumption). He stared at the ceiling and said, "You're so ****ing cool. You're so perfect for me..." and his voice trailed off, then he looked at me and kissed me. I'm "so perfect" again...

 

I debated saying anything about feelings because after some mind blowing orgasms, I wasn't sure if my feelings were accurate. I refrained, but I felt my feelings deepening for him. I thought, "Love, I must be falling in love with him." But I don't know that. All I know is that when I told him my story about the time I worked for a large, corporate store as a cashier...he made fun of me, calling me a Wal-mart greeter. I laughed so hard I cried. I don't remember laughing until I cried because it's been a really long time since I could be who I am and be accepted. Unfortunately, that's when I knew...I thought I was falling in love with him. If there was a moment in time I could pinpoint that...it would be this memory.

 

He got up to get dressed and I laid on my bed, arms out so he could hug me. He leaned over, hugging me, kissing me and said, "You don't have to come downstairs. I can show myself out." I refused, saying, "I get more hugs and kisses when I go downstairs with you."

 

Downstairs we went. During our last hugs and kisses, he said he will see me soon. "Do you promise?" I looked at him like a small child. "I promise," he said, smiling. Off into the night, he disappeared.

 

That's when I worried. How do I tell him how I feel? I need to. I need to practice doing this. I can't keep myself bottled up. I've done that for too long and now I can teach myself how to even if it doesn't change anything.

 

***

 

During the family gathering, I felt hurt here and there. I wanted him. I wanted him towering over me, laughing with my family. I was kept pretty busy though, and my cousin overshadowed most of the day. I wonder what she'd think of this. I wonder what she'd think of the mess I've made of my life that I can barely get cleaned up.

 

***

 

The ride home with my parents was rather uneventful. Dad decided to sit in the front seat, an unusual feat for him as he loves to sit in the backseat. We talked politics and corruption. We all disagree, but my negativity bled through everything. I wanted them to know how much I hated the world, and my life.

 

They dropped me off. I said, "I love you guys." Dad said, "I love you too."

Edited November 27, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

I hear the clock, it's 6 a.m.

I feel so far from where I've been.

I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too.

I got my maple syrup, everything but you.

 

 

I break the yolks and make a smiley face.

I kinda like it in my brand new place.

Wipe the spots off of the mirror,

Don't leave my keys in the door,

I never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause...

 

 

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone...

I know that you love me,

And soon you will see...

You were meant for me,

And I was meant for you.

 

 

I called my momma, she was out for a walk.

Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't want to talk.

So I picked up the paper, it was more bad news,

More hearts being broken or people being used.

Put on my coat in the pouring rain.

I saw a movie it just wasn't the same,

'Cause it was happy or I was sad and...

It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause...

 

 

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone...

And I know that you love me,

And soon you will see...

You were meant for me,

And I was meant for you.

 

 

I go about my business, I'm doing fine.

Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line?

Same old story, not much to say.

Hearts are broken every day.

 

 

I brush my teeth, I put the cap back on.

I know you hate it, when I leave the light on.

I pick up a book, and then I turn the sheets down.

And then I take a deep breath and a good look around.

 

 

Put on my pj's and hop into bed.

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead.

I try and tell myself it'll be all right.

I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause...

 

 

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone...

And I know that you love me,

And soon you will see...

You were meant for me,

And I was meant for you.

 

 

You were meant for me and I was meant for you...

[LostInTheWild]

For the first time in three years, I can say...

 

I feel better. The story of me and my cousin...our fallout...will never overshadow any part of my life again.

 

I didn't realize how I had tied her into my ex so very much...When I went to meet her, I had no idea what we were going to talk about, so we just caught up. Not with everything, but I did get to show her how dark my life has been since, and what an impact this has had on me, her family, the person she still claimed to love.

 

As I sat with her, and updated her on stories going on in my life, I got to the EMT. I expected her to jump out of her chair and run for the exit, or to tell me something nasty about myself, or shame me in some way since she is now married with a son. She didn't. She listened, almost amused, entertained, and happy as I started with, "Finally, I met someone who would change all my bad luck. I thought I finally had to prepare myself for a real relationship. But don't get too excited, it's just as dark as the rest..." And I pulled out my phone, outlining the deceit, betrayal, and pain.

 

I told her that I was tired, something I longed for her to know, and filled with angst because of her and my ex. I told her I wouldn't mind having a short life because after all of this, I've seen everything I need to last me ten lifetimes. "You still have 40 good years left!" she protested. I disagreed, telling her I'd probably get cancer, and I wouldn't mind that much either at this point.

 

I told her about my new city and how I've enjoyed it, and how I wanted to move again next year if I had the money. "I want to get in contact with my brother who lives in Germany and see if he could help me get set up over there. I need to get out of here, and out of this country to start over again. That's not to say I couldn't meet someone to change all of this, but look at where we are and what I've been through. I'd never come back. But it's unlikely to happen. He wants nothing to do with me." When I told her this, she squinted at me, not understanding why my brother doesn't want anything to do with me. I explained to her that I represent a bad time in his life, when dad left his mom and he won't even speak to dad now. Maybe he'd attend dad's funeral? Maybe I'd meet him then? Maybe I'll never know him. Maybe he really doesn't want to be my big brother. I think about my siblings a lot. I do want to know them, just so I at least know I'm not alone.

 

We talked a while longer about her dad, my house, plans for the future, things like that. It's funny, after the initial hatred for her wore off, she seemed like her old self, just a mom and wife, but still funny. I didn't feel love for her at first. I sat in quiet contemplation while she tried to get the conversation rolling. She bought me wine and dinner. "You aren't paying!!! This is for three years!!!"

 

She told me that the way I perceived things were not as they actually were. Yes, she was hurt, but she was not all buddy-buddy with my ex. He helped her with some car parts, yes, and he's friends with her husband, yes...but it was not at all like I thought it was, according to her. I told her it sounded that way, especially since I asked her not to speak to him and she did anyway, telling me he's a good person and had been helpful to her family. I don't know what to believe, but I know my feelings were right. And I know she knows she ****ed up badly...by letting me believe otherwise for years.

 

I told her that I thought we would find our way back to each other sooner, which is why I had asked her to leave him alone. She made it sound like he latched onto them, needing them. He was the one showing up, texting, calling...I don't believe that, but I kind of do, since his family is far more ****ed than mine. I explained that I didn't want him in my life at all, nor did I want him showing up to family functions and ME, FAMILY, having to worry about it because they were such great friends.

 

My anger dissolved after I told her how crappy my life has been. She seemed as though I should be happy, but I'm not."You're a free bird. You can do whatever you want. Nothing is stopping you," she said. "I didn't ask to be free and to do whatever I want. It's the hand I was dealt. I wanted a much more stable life. But now I'm forced to find some guy who will marry me, get me pregnant, and cheat on me like everyone else. I don't even really want children anymore. I don't want to be shackled to someone who will ruin me and decrease my dating value should I ever want to leave. I want him to know that I have options, always," my tangent continued.

 

We got up to pay and she bought me a dessert. There were a pair of stuffed monkeys by the register, where she proceeded to position them into...hmmm...okay, she sat one monkey on top of the other, took it's tail, and made it into a boner. I cried. It was soooooooooooo funny. Us, the same age...and she never grew up, just like I haven't. I knew then that I still loved her for that spark she still had. The ability to make me laugh even when it felt like the world was laughing at me.

 

She stopped me in the parking lot and gave me her opinion. "I don't want to sound harsh, but, don't ever think that you're making a difference in this guys life. After you, there will be another you. I guarantee that." I hugged her and told her I still loved her. "Don't be a stranger. Come see my son!" Then we left.

 

Despite everything, I don't feel as angry as I did before. I don't feel as bitter as I used to. I don't feel that empty. She used to be a big part of my life. But I still don't know what forgiveness feels like. I don't know if I can get over it. But I still feel healed because I'm not angry anymore.

[LostInTheWild]

Hello?

 

It's me...

 

I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet,

To go over everything.

They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing

 

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be,

When we were younger and free.

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet.

 

There's such a difference between us

And a million miles.

 

Hello from the other side...

I must've called a thousand times...

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done.

But when I call you never seem to be home.

 

Hello from the outside...

At least I can say that I've tried...

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart.

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.

 

Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry.

I hope that you're well.

Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

 

It's no secret...

That the both of us are running out of time...

 

So hello from the other side...

I must've called a thousand times...

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done.

But when I call you never seem to be home.

 

Hello from the outside...

At least I can say that I've tried...

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart.

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.

 

Ooh, anymore...

Ooh, anymore...

Ooh, anymore...

Anymore...

 

Hello from the other side...

I must've called a thousand times...

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done.

But when I call you never seem to be home.

 

Hello from the outside...

At least I can say that I've tried...

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart.

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.

[LostInTheWild]

This morning, the drive to find my brother outweighed anything else. I really want to talk to him for some reason. I want to confirm that he actually hates me and try to talk him out of it. I'm just a product of circumstance...he has no reason to be angry with me.

 

I asked my dad for his phone number. He doesn't have it. Last night, I searched for a Facebook he might have...I can't find one. I don't know how to get his information. I don't know my other brother's phone number, or my sister's. My dad kept us separated and he still does, but he'd give me numbers if I asked for them.

 

Anyone know of ways to find siblings a whole world over? I know it's disrespectful to interrupt his life, but I just don't think he hates me as much as I was told (by my other brother, no less). I can't live believing that. And of course, I want out of this country...he'd be my ticket if he doesn't hate me. I did try this before, many years ago, and that was when my brother stopped me and said, "He wants NOTHING to do with you or dad. He hates you." I asked him why that was and he said, "Because dad left our mom for this."

 

Goody gum drops. Now how do I get around this?

[LostInTheWild]

I've been struggling with getting motivation to see the artist. Yesterday, we were supposed to grab a coffee. I rescheduled since he was hungover and was trying to throw something together last minute after the coffee shops had closed. This bothered me so we set it for today.

 

I battled with it. I'm not sure why, but I didn't really want to leave the house today, and most of all I didn't want to leave to visit him. There just wasn't...an incentive. There aren't feelings there for me. He gets excited to have me around, whereas my emotions are pretty much flat. He seems like a really great person, but maybe he's not so great for me.

 

I drove out to see him and didn't bother showering, wore granny panties, and masked my contempt for the date by wearing something half-decent. I even spritzed on some perfume.

 

Much to my delight, I got there and...actually had a good time. We are like old friends, but he isn't someone I can see myself with long-term. I don't know what it is and I know I keep saying it. I don't know why I continue to date him feeling this way. Maybe I'm doing this to prove to myself that I have options, someone wants me who is available, or maybe I'm hoping we can grow something but it'll take a little longer than he'd like.

 

And much to my relief, after talking for about an hour, he had to go to his studio to teach. He parted with a hug, no kiss (yes!), and left quickly. He didn't want to leave though, and he wants to see me tomorrow. What bothered me is hen he asked if I'd like to attend a soiree on Saturday night...they'll have free drinks...I keep telling him I don't want dates centered around alcohol but he doesn't know what else there is to do and neither do I.

 

My imagination runs off with me. I think to myself that he wants me to get drunk. I'd be easy prey then, more pliable, more willing. Soberly, I'm not. I also wonder when he expects to get hot and heavy. I'm not looking forward to that for some reason. I know I don't have to. I know it's not required. But I worry we will be put in a situation where I'll have to tell him I'm not ready, and I hate that. I don't know if my heart is just dangling and hoping for the EMT...keeping myself monogamous for something false and living in fantasy. I also have my concerns about getting an STD...and I don't want to risk that for myself or for my current sex partner. This is usually the biggest reason I have for sleeping with one person at a time. If I ever did get something, I'd know where it came from.

 

But I don't think I am living a fantasy. I'm pretty grounded. I don't get carried away in thought about having some wonderful white picket, 2.342 kids dream. I'm growing up and seeing the world for what it really is. I'm more discerning of those who I allow around me, and yet, I still make poor choices! Why?

 

I'm actually feeling calm, like I was earlier this year. I feel content, even though I'm struggling with some tough stuff. My brain is shutting out the noise, and I'm trying to live fully despite the odds being ever-against me. I battle with this because the pressure inside me builds and spills over sometimes when I realize that my life actually does suck. I'm not confusing this with happiness...it's just acceptance. Let the **** sandwiches come. I don't care anymore. I really just..don't give a damn. Want the house back? Take it. Want to turn off the power? Do it. Don't want to hire me? Fine. I have to make an appearance somewhere? Oh well. Play the game.

 

The urge to run...it's building. I want out. I want out of my life and I need to escape this while I can, before I'm trapped. Before a really big **** sandwich is cooked up and served.

[LostInTheWild]

Will add later.

[LostInTheWild]

I'm starting to feel salty about the affair.

 

I'll update on why later on as the story blossoms and gives substance to what I'm posting here. Right now, it's a skeleton waiting for it's holes to be filled with dirt. I get like this naturally...bucking, kicking, screaming...not understanding why anyone could like me. And I sabotage it. I sabotage relationships with people. It's second nature. The only people who could handle me this long are my parents, because I always **** up and they have a sweet, unconditional love that parents are built to have. The artist, though, well, he's hanging on for dear life to my bull horns...

 

 

Me, though...how am I? I did a mental inventory earlier this week. I was feeling breezy, calm, waiting for daggers to fall out of the trees and nothing fell until I shook one. And guess where it landed? Right in my back.

 

This is the slow burn I was waiting for. The singeing, the stinging...this is what I had to discover for myself. And now, I feel like this is the beginning of the end of the affair. I could be wrong, but it's close, nearing, biting...I can see why people who do this get so insecure. I've tried not to be, but I do have my most obscene moments.

 

I grabbed my bottle of vodka today and laid in bed watching a few movies. I could barely drink it. I don't know what's happening to me, but I'm really losing my taste for alcohol. "Maybe I just need to drink more..." I thought, and took a few more sips. I feel pretty good now! So, I don't know. It's still early. I have all night.

 

I feel like breaking things and throwing things around right now. Something is really bothering me. Of course, I won't because...I'm the jerk that will have to clean it up. But I have too many memories running through my mind and I don't know how to get rid of them. More vodka? Nah...I don't even want to drink!

 

I don't know what I want! I want the anxiousness to go away, but it keeps getting worse and worse.

 

Yesterday, I went out with my friend and her children. She came to my city, picked me up, and we walked around the store for a bit. Then the kids had to see Santa. The creepy, old, drunk rolling his eyes as kids burst into tears while parents shove them into his arms. Such an easy job.

 

I got to thinking...man, Santa was a big player in my life as a wee, little lass. I feel ripped off looking back at it, and seeing all the parents standing in line, perpetuating this magic for the sake of the kids...If I had a kid, I don't know if I'd want to tell the story of the tooth fairy or Santa...lol. My dad was very reliable though, when I was losing teeth. I'd get a coupe of bucks under my pillow.

 

Then I found myself being a placeholder for 40 minutes. I waited in line for my friend for 40 minutes while she trolled the store because the kiddos couldn't sit still for that long. I hated myself then. I felt old, but young...Where was my brood? Why am I in this now? Shouldn't I be at a bar somewhere, eating dinner with someone, not thinking about kids? Or Santa?!

 

Then we get up to see Santa, after an hour. The kids just cried...and Santa rolled his eyes! LOL! I just stood there laughing my ass off as my friend posed with a smile, her youngest looking like he saw the boogeyman, and her oldest staring blankly at the camera. Santa flashed a fake smile. Thanks, Santa...that made life so real for me. The picture was even funnier. Forty minutes of standing in line...so worth it. My friend had a laugh too, so I'm not such a big douche.

 

Then we got to dinner, and stress started to swallow me whole. I just shut down and stopped talking really while my friend tended to her children. I was tired and found it difficult to pretend to be happy anymore. I just started playing with the kids and finished my meal. At the end of it all, I had this feeling of not wanting to go home, but not wanting to stay. I think...this feeling I get is just me not knowing where I belong.

 

And today, I don't know wtf I'm doing. I'm living in a fog, uncertain about EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

[LostInTheWild]

With all the holiday cheer, I did it: I sent the EMT a little non-love, love letter, describing deepening feelings. It was a fantastic letter. We had been getting along so well that I just had to tell him how great he was making me feel.

 

Then, he responded and I have to say, it was most unexpected. It was a canned, **** buddy response and I got pissed enough to tell him so. Then, he ignored me for a day. I asked him if he'd blocked me...Nope. Then he started talking a bit. Then I waited three long days to hear from him. Nothing.

 

I poured over my feelings with friends I've made on LS (thanks for putting up with me, guys) and came to the conclusion...It was time. I was angry enough to let go. I was ready to extricate myself from this situation. I wouldn't ever be crying all over this forum about a married guy...because I have dignity and pride and ego. I did some self-harming things and made poor choices, but I still have some self-respect and I didn't live in a dream world.

 

I had asked him to never lie to me (hahahaaaa...yeah). And after everything, I got a strong sense of being lied to so I felt extra-cheap, used (although I knew this was what it was, as long as I didn't feel that way, it was okay), and mad as hell.

 

I stewed in this for a while. Then I messaged her on Facebook. Once I realized she wouldn't get it, I began the grueling task of finding her cell number, and find her cell number, I did!!

 

I sent her the most pertinent screenshots. Told her the story. Tried not to hurt her so much, even though the information wasn't friendly. I can only imagine how she felt...although I've been there before.

 

I think it was best she knew what a lying **** bag he was, and she thanked me for it. Very classy woman. She said she doesn't have questions, let me know she received it...and that was that.

 

Well, when I do big things, I don't stop there. I'm a bitch. I knew he was working today and I followed my original plan...being nice and everything. He fed me some lies. I absorbed them, and once I knew she got the messages and hadn't said anything to him...I told him, "Just a heads-up. I told your wife." He had about 5-6 hours left on the clock where he had to simmer in it. He asked how I told her...and I knew he thought I was bluffing since he blocked my main Facebook-stalking account (I was highly insulted when I realized this) from ever messaging her. I just texted him her phone number and told him that I "told [you] not to lie to me."

 

I know he was freaking out. But he was calm with me and asked what I told her. I just told him that I gave him the heads-up and she got the knowledge. I wasn't going to tell him what she knew. I said that because he was trying to think up lies. The texts I sent don't lie and that's the only truth. She knows how to reach me if she wants more, but I don't think she will.

 

I feel relieved in a way. I crazily do still care for him, but I don't hurt and I don't care that I hurt him. I still hate liars, but I discovered how devious and deceitful I can be through this experience.

 

It's back to the drawing board. A new set of experiences and memories stashed away in my mind. With him...he was so my type. We got along so well and he was wonderful to me until he wasn't.

 

I still remember him helping me, fixing things...his shadow of who I thought he was, haunting me. The laughs we shared...the passion...the feelings. He truly meant something to me, but I'm not sure what yet. I can still picture his eyes and feel his hands on my skin...

 

But then I remember...I was lied to...a lot. It just took me while to get tired of it. And since I have gotten tired of it, I win. I'm not somebodies mistress and I'm not the mistress type. I'm me...#1. I do miss him though, sometimes when I hear an ambulance go by or I see one. I miss him right then. And then I realize there's nothing left to miss but who I was ages ago.

 

I can look back on him fondly. Goodbye EMT.

[LostInTheWild]

Oh, my love, my darling...

I've hungered for your touch,

A long, lonely time.

And time goes by so slowly,

And time can do so much.

Are you still mine?

 

 

I need your love...

I need your love...

 

 

God speed your love to me...

 

 

Lonely rivers flow,

To the sea, to the sea,

To the open arms of the sea, yeah.

Lonely rivers sigh,

"Wait for me, wait for me."

I'll be coming home, wait for me.

 

 

Oh, my love, my darling...

I've hungered, hungered, for your touch,

A long, lonely time.

And time goes by so slowly,

And time can do so much.

Are you still mine?

 

 

I need your love...

I need your love...

 

 

God speed your love to me...

[LostInTheWild]

After the 10th, I spent a few days mourning the loss of several things, things it will take me a while to understand. Things I will never recover in this lifetime; things I may never understand. I also mourned for the beauty of life, but that will be included in my next post.

 

I never thought I would feel the way I did after the fact. I never thought I'd feel the strong remorse and regret that I felt for trashing someone's family. The next day I had woken up and checked his wife's Facebook and there was a picture with a quote posted that read: "Your time as a caterpillar has expired. Your wings are ready." It was definitely up for interpretation. Was it meant for me? I can't help but wonder...I felt like I could fly and a weight had been lifted...I was ready. No more wondering, right?

 

Of course, they'll most likely work it out. The good, solid Christian couple with thick family networks will change things around and solve their issues. After three kids, she's not going anywhere. If that were me, I'd talk a good game, but I wouldn't know where to begin if I had to start over. If she actually did, I'd have a lot of respect for her. If she stayed, I'd have even more respect for her. I discovered all of my ex's cheating...but if someone else had told me about it, I'm not sure how I'd handle it. I'd feel differently, I think, especially if I thought I was just riding a rough patch. I don't know.

 

There were things I knew that would happen once I did this. I knew, for starters, he'd want nothing to do with me which was the number one goal I was trying to achieve. If I could escape this somehow, without me speaking up because I'm too weak to, then this would do the trick. I also knew that it would break her heart. Better now then when she found out two years from now when I would absolutely be damaged from him turning his back on me, and the lies built up for her...too much to forgive. Then we would have two extremely hurt people. I knew that it would sting me a bit. I knew I would hurt a little bit. But, I knew I was done with his lies. Oh...yes, I knew he lied to me regularly. I never said so, but I knew he lied about a lot of things. If I sit and think about this now, it hits me like a hammer...He wasn't who I thought he was. There is a bit of irony in my situation. I expected him to lie to her, but not to me. Of course he lied to both of us. Haha...The umbrella of lies I lived under for years with my ex had conditioned me to feel cozy...lies were my world...they made the world safer for me because someone cared enough not to hurt me. Until I realized...I have more respect than that. I'm not the young buck I once was, and I would never live under those conditions for years and years, watching my self-esteem erode...self-loathing proliferating once again...to think I actually deserved that again...He told me I was worth more than that and I didn't believe him at the time. But then a switch flipped (not speaking for a few days) and I realized I meant nothing to him, so it was time to pack up and go home.

 

I did that and then I continued on but what I never realized is how hard it would be. The number one question I had, and still have is...Will he contact me again? The only thing that will answer this is time. I ask this because he never told me what happened...and I know it's the right thing. It's none of my business. I never expected to be hated so much, but I understand it. Of course, I never broke my vows...I never cheated on my family...I wasn't the one who caused this. But still, I do miss him and I do wonder about him, despite this only being a two-month "relationship."

 

What stops me from trying to reach out? His hurt. I can only imagine how much I hurt him. And it's my time to bow out gracefully, even if the exit wasn't so graceful. Although, I hope he thinks about how much he hurt me...see, I do think of myself sometimes...and what he did to me, it can never be repaired. I trusted that he was who he said. I let him into my home, let him help me, let him sweet talk me, I let him touch me. And it was all lies. I could have been happy by now, sharing family, loving glances, loving nights, wrapped up in love with someone who was so willing (as he presented himself to be); I could have been with him and he seemed to be the guy I ended this thread with. I could have had my happy ending to the LITW saga that I can never ****ing end because of *******s like these...he robbed me of that. He cheated me out of my happy ending to my thread. The happy ending I've been waiting years for.

 

I feel like I lost something. I don't know if I'll ever be a good judge of character again. I mean without the internet I'd be in deep ****. If it didn't exist I'd be dating all kinds of married men without knowing. It did make me realize how I need to develop an internet presence...for this very reason. If I make a profile somewhere I'm going to make a tagline that reads: "If you're ****ing my boyfriend/husband, please call/text XXX-XXXX. Inquiring minds want to know!" And so I've freed the bonds...the shackles to find myself a man who will (got a 50/50 or 60/40 chance, people) do this to me some day.

 

I've lurked on other forums to check out the beast I was dealing with and I can't imagine doing this for years upon years. I can't imagine waiting by the phone, hoping he will do xyz or come over on xyz. It's not me...I have waited before, for a single man and that was enough. I can't waste my good years waiting around for someone else that will never be available. The scary thing is I gave myself a time frame of six months to get out. I would have been so very broken after ending things around that point, for a man who saw me as a come dumpster. It's obvious, isn't it? That's what I was...Someone to fill the holes in when he was bored. You don't use people like that...and you know what? I wish more women would tell. Put these losers in check. Find out how much you mean to him when his wallet is at stake.

 

I have my hate-filled moments, but a lot of times I try to find ways to make him seem good in my mind. I succeed. He wasn't a bad man. He just lied. This is something else I'm completely lost on. How can I think someone like this was good? Someone who was so good but so bad at the same time? How can I feel like I made the wrong decision, but feel good about it the same time? I feel so mixed up about this. It isn't like changing jobs...Out one door and through a window...no...it's more like the guilt you feel after killing a spider. You know it's a good thing for you and the family, but it could have made a difference in the household at a later date. I used to feel guilty when killing spiders. It's the torn feeling of good versus evil, or having it crawl on you versus it eating something else that can crawl on you. It's tough to make decision like this, and I made this one on a whim. But all I can think is where would I be if I hadn't? Fluffing and prettying myself up? Making plans to have sex? Wondering what he's thinking and feeling? Wondering if his words were true when he's lied so much already? Wondering if he'd ever leave her? Wondering if I was good enough? Not this lady, no...I started to notice the wear it had...The badge of being the mistress...I'm not her. I've been through enough already.

 

But still, there's the want...the want for the memories. The good times we had before I knew. I always wonder how long he would have kept this going if I hadn't discovered it. I cried over this, after the fact. I stood in my hallway downstairs thinking of the times I saw him. How he helped make a makeshift kennel for my dog, offering to clean up her pee, seeing him in the sunlight at my front door with his silly smile, him towering over me, carrying paint cans, offering up a toilet handle, riding in my car on the way to the restaurant, moving through my house like he would live there, hugs...kisses...loving memories. Things I'd be able to tell the grandchildren...These are memories I held onto while I swallowed who I thought I was and dove into his pile of steaming ****. He made me into something I didn't want to be and never set out to become, unwittingly. And yet here I am, confused. I am so confused. I have no idea how I should feel about this.

 

Then I have the affair memories. Holding him, him holding me, talking about ourselves, and me holding onto the the thought, "I wish he was single." I remember holding him during the time in the car and I stared out of the rear view window...wishing he was single thinking, "Why can't he be mine?" Him telling me repeatedly that I have the softest skin and me telling him, "I live in this sack everyday so I don't notice." And then he asked me where I was 8 years ago and all that...That's all.

 

I haven't heard from him since that day, and I don't expect to, but I secretly wish to. That's been the hardest loss to overcome. Why do I want such a piece of **** in my life? I don't know. It's what I'm used to. The seas will boil before I hear from him again, so I can count my losses now. Ah, but I get the question, frequently, why did you tell? Were you hoping she would leave him so he could be with you? Nope. It was strictly out of revenge. I know enough about betrayal to understand that this...this would never lure anyone back. I did this to get myself out...and hopefully he can take a good, hard look at himself and change his life. But I'm not in denial that he would fall into my arms after this. I'm untrustworthy now, even if he started off that way to begin with.

 

Still, though, with all the men who come crawling back, I have to laugh and wonder if he actually would do that. I mean, I've only had a small handful never return, and they're the ones I remember fondly and respect the most. But I struggle with this the most. Going from constantly talking to someone you think you share a great connection with to becoming absolutely barren...It's tough. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. Not since my ex and I parted ways.

 

Here I sit. I've ditched the artist, who came on strong for about 3 weeks. He's finally given up. I understand he's not my type. And I've let him give up.

 

I am done with men for a long time. I will not seek them out. I will not search for sex. I will not look for anything. I will not let them touch me (even hugging). It's time to get my life together. I'm on the precipice of my DUI case, so I'm busy enough. The EMT comforted me almost to the bitter end. It's time to get back to being me, which I've spent a lot of time working on pre-EMT. When I start working again, everything will blend together more and I'll have something else to focus on. Men...will no longer be a topic of this thread, at least, not for a long time. Because I'm done trying. Profiles are down, phone is on silent...let me enjoy the remaining unemployment days in peace. I can never see myself opening up again. Doors are closed. Gate is locked. It's time to really find myself this time. And I will miss him, silently, like I still miss the European. Into the quiet.

 

And this is the last time I will mention him. Either of them. They both hurt me too much.

[LostInTheWild]

When you walked away,

It was the saddest day,

That the world has known.

Shattered my heart and left me with

Pieces of a broken home.

Now you say you need me,

Standing at the door,

Asking if you can come in,

And I can't say no,

No, I can't say no...

 

You and I,

Just can't say goodbye.

Every time we do,

Well, it's just another lie.

I know you're no good for me,

But every time I'm with you,

There's nowhere I'd rather be...

 

We've been to hell,

Been burnt by the flames,

Of a pain so deep that

Even the strongest god in the heavens would

Kneel and weep.

But here I lie,

Pressed against your skin.

Right where I want to be.

You're the sweetest sin...

 

You and I,

Just can't say goodbye.

Every time we do,

Well, it's just another lie.

I know you're no good for me,

But every time I'm with you,

There's nowhere I'd rather be...

[LostInTheWild]

I waited on my cousin's doorstep of her new home. I smoked a cigarette watching to sun set on us.

 

This was her house. Her landmark. Her pride and joy. And here I was, just beginning to experience it. Strangely, I felt excited to see her home. The piece of earth she had carved out to grow with her husband and raise her children. And for the first time in years, I was welcomed into it.

 

She arrived and made a smart comment, like she normally does. I wondered if this was something that would ever go away between us. It was almost like we picked up where we left off, always. Except this time, I had a little cousin I had to meet in the back of her car. She hopped out and inched around to get him out. I fought tears. I didn't think I would get emotional, and so I didn't.

 

He stood there, all of a couple of feet tall. And I grabbed him and pulled him from the earth to embrace him. I hugged him like a long, lost sibling. But what about my siblings? I wondered. He wasn't afraid of me at all. I hugged him and carried him inside.

 

Her home...was filled with love. The beginnings of a family. The things I'll never have. We sat and talked. My little cousin is so well-behaved that I wondered if I should even mention this phenomenon to my friend who has two children. My cousin made parenthood look cool. She's THAT good at it. And this is her only child. If I were a parent, this is how I would want to raise my child, and she would be the first person I called should I ever reproduce.

 

I lingered for hours and wished my little cousin goodnight...But upon my departure, after everything that had gone awry in my life up until that point, I had decided that this would be enough for me. I decided that being behind the scenes and hugging other people's children would be enough for me.

 

I drove home thinking that this is it; this is my life and I can still go out and do whatever I want. I can escape and run as long as necessary. I can do anything. I can love married men temporarily, then blow away in the breeze and see where I land. I can work on my career and come home to a delivery of pizza or Chinese. I can devour ice cream and binge on netflix. Or I can read for hours on end. Or if I have have the money, I can do all this while traveling.

 

I still have this hole, this void, that I can fill with things...I don't need to decorate my home. I don't need to fill it with love. I can make pit-stops and dine with families until I'm too old to have one of my own. It was tough to see it, to see the things I'll never have, but it gave me the realization that I can do anything I want. I have nothing to lose...but at the same time I have nothing to live for. It's difficult to describe that feeling.

 

Everyone is growing old, but I'm just getting started. I still feel like a teenager, holding onto the dreams I thought I existed for, only to realize that I can do other things. What? I don't know. Every dream I had evaporated long ago, and now I just scramble trying to figure out what I should do.

 

I'm glad she's happy. I now what forgiveness means to me now. Holding my family close, and playing with them.

[LostInTheWild]

In 2016, I will move away and disappear. That's what I want. I need to erase the memories I've made here and make new ones elsewhere. There's nothing holding me here anymore...

[LostInTheWild]

Early morning, I hear rustling in the trees nearby. It wakes me up and I look over to the noise, but it's too dark to see.

 

I yawn and stretch. I smooth my hair and gown. The air is cold. It's a wonder I'm not frozen solid from sleeping outside like this. I'm curious to know how long it will take to until I'm discovered. How long should it take until I can change out of this dirty, black gown and get the twigs out of my hair? Aging in the wild...it's not a good look. I laugh in the dark at the thought.

 

I begin to stir. Although I didn't want to wake, I'm here, still breathing. Another nightmare escaped. I dream more now, of the life I used to lead before I found myself here. The only memory I've lost, and the only thing I haven't dreamt of since, is how I wound up out here in the wilderness. I don't know how I got here. And I don't remember the events leading up to it. All I do remember is feeling okay, then feeling lost, and looking up to find out what lost means.

 

I rise to my feet. I still don't know why I bother to get up and lurk around most days. I guess I still have hope that I'll get close to the edge of the wild, to find civilization again, and to tame my wild heart.

 

Hope, isn't that why we rise each day? Never mind the circadian rhythm...Isn't getting up, and rising to our feet the signal that we are here for a reason? That we have hope? That we can conquer? We spend a good bit of time as babies hoping for that day when we can rise to our feet and take the necessary steps that symbolically stand for independence and hope. Maybe that's why I bother. I hope to find the way out. The way out of this world and into another. To change.

 

The earth and leaves crunch under my feet; shoes long ago abandoned. My tattered gown flows with each step I take. Slowly, dawn approaches and lights my path. I can see my breath in the air; it's that cold, but I'm numb to it. There's no point in trying to stay warm. The heat was extinguished after a time, after my passion had been forgotten.

 

I creep up to the stream nearby and enjoy a cold drink. I try to clean myself up a little, using the water as a mirror, wetting my dress to remove some soil. It doesn't work. I'm still filthy and nobody would even recognize me at this point. Not anyone from my old life anyway.

 

I feel a pang of hurt. I have no idea where it came from, but I feel so low for a moment that I just cry. I rise to my feet every morning, and it should signify hope, but I can't help but feel that getting up is still all for naught. It hurts to get up. It hurts to drink. It hurts to try to take care of myself. It's hard. But I do it.

 

And then I remember why. I look up to a fiery, red sky. The sun has risen. It's a new day. But can I face it? Can I try to escape this? Can I change my fate? Can I run as fast as I can today to find the clearing? Or a home? Someone with a phone I can use to call...someone who might care?

 

Why can't I get out of here? Why must I keep running? When can I settle into the comfort I create for myself?

 

I just watch the sun come up. And it glows. It sparkles. It tells me to just turn that corner. Don't give up yet. There's still time.

[LostInTheWild]

I slept restlessly last night, awaiting my day in court today. I woke up wired. I hopped in the shower and styled myself to the liking of the courts and off I went. I walked in the rain. It wasn't terribly cold, so I was glad I did it.

 

The courthouse is disturbingly not far...as if I were meant to walk the path to dissolving my future. I arrived. They squirreled us inside and directed us to the basement where we sat around. There were hundreds of people there. Some were there for the same reason I was. Some were there for others. I filled out some paperwork and the show began.

 

I sat with a lady and we exchanged stories and commiserated over our shortcomings that lead us there. Her case wasn't as bad as mine in that her BAC was barely above the limit. I started to feel comfortable, like my old self. I felt like I could talk to anyone there and not feel weird about it. It was nice being in public again and most of all, being in a roomful of people who made mistakes, like me.

 

I sat there for nearly five hours. Five. To be told that because their system is backed up and I couldn't get evaluated, I had to wait another month to enter the program. Great. This will loom over my head until at least 2017. I won't be able to move unless I complete this program in time. What this does allow me though, is more time to find work.

 

C'est la vie.

[LostInTheWild]

I just watched a documentary, Racing Extinction, and it kind of confirmed my thoughts about humankind. I suppose we are all lost in that case.

 

Even though I knew our oceans were in trouble, what I didn't realize is that if we don't clean up our acts and our planet, we face extinction too. At the rate of extinction for other species of life we have killed off, how can we be so blind to the understanding that we will be in that position at some point, sooner rather than later, if we continue down this path?

 

The leaders of our planet are making changes, but they may be too slow to save precious life. The issue that really affected me was when they discussed the acidification of our oceans and, guys, I didn't know this but...plankton produce 50% or so of our oxygen. If we kill them off and continue to produce carbon dioxide at the rates we are now, well, bend over, and kiss your ass goodbye. With acidification taking place, it's like putting your teeth in acid for a year. Imagine what would be left of them; they'd be destroyed. It almost sounded like the documentary-makers hinted at the possibility that we may suffocate ourselves to death by causing the destruction of our ecological systems. It's a wild theory I kind of made up in my own mind, but plankton live in the ocean and are the basis of life. Ground zero...if you will. And we are contributing to it's decay.

 

I cried watching this documentary...the blatant disregard and lack of respect for our animals we should be coexisting with is absolutely disgusting. The blase attitudes people have about cleaning out the oceans...it really makes me want to get involved. There was a scene in which the crew recorded the hunting and killing of a manta ray...It was gut-wrenching. How can we NOT CARE about this? This is beyond a political issue and is well within our power to control.

 

I'm far from being a doomsday, conspiratorial, theory-plotting type of person...but I read some articles about this and nobody really seems to know for sure what our end will be like. We may blow each other up before we starve and suffocate, or face gamma rays from space, or an asteroid...However, from what I've read...it doesn't seem like we will have many more years ahead of us. Some say 100 years at most if nothing changes (improves) environmentally. Some say reproduction will decline at a population of about 12 billion, which could lead to extinction because we will not be able to reproduce at a fast enough rate to recover from the aging, dying population. They put a number on that theory, around year 2400 (thank the lord I'll be a box of ashes).

 

This leads me to think: really? Twelve BILLION PEOPLE? We are worse than any virus that has blown around this planet. I understand the need to nurture and have children...hell, I'm a woman, and I might want those things some day, but this information makes me really reluctant to even try to accomplish this part of life. But life...that is what we want to give our babies and it's why we carry them and watch them grow. If there is no beauty left on this planet because we killed everything...then, what's the point in the end?

 

Let me share some aggravation I have with the figure for the planet's human population (I'm sure some people feel the same way). At a population of over 7 billion now, when is enough, enough? I remember growing up and things seemed a bit more...evenly spaced out. There weren't as many of these designer developments, stores, strip malls, or even cars and I'm not even that old. Then one day in my teens, I looked around and things started booming. Innovation was happening. I had more choices. I was excited to be apart of it. But then, I started noticing, I could never really get away from people. I could never really sit in a barely-touched area that wasn't paved for humans and made more human-friendly. Don't get me wrong; I do know these places exist, but it's just...it seemed easier to walk down the street when I was young and climb a tree in the woods with nobody around.

 

In my old neighborhood, when I first started driving there were no cars around. Rush hour was rather simple. Still, there were issues...but now...when I return there during rush hour there is a 30-40 minute wait to get down that short stretch of road whereas it once used to be a 10-15 minute ride.

 

The quality of food is deteriorating. We have more people to feed, so it only makes sense to fill the blanks with other components to stretch it out to however many mouths we need to feed. Science keeps us innovating and eating, but at what cost? If we continue to reproduce at alarming rates, it costs the planet in resources no matter how you want to look at it. Ever witness an overgrowth of bacteria in nature or in a lab? It's food source dries up and it damages whatever it grows on/in to the point of it's own detriment.

 

When I'm in my bubble I can only think, "There are too many damned people in my way." I'm not special, no. But I do wonder if anyone thinks of that. In traffic, "Where did all these ****ing people come from?" Or when I think I have a good idea, "Someone already thought of that (as I try to find a patch of sand on the beach because there's 80,000 people already there)." At some point, growth seems, to me, to go stagnant. At some point, in my opinion, growth falters and halts. Maybe technology will be our last age of innovation. And of course, I'm no different than Joe Blow down the street, lost in my phone somewhere, eating that burger, cooking my chicken, and making waste.

 

I always think, after watching disturbing documentaries, "That's great, but...what can I do about it? Really?" It seems like nobody really gives a damn. We are too busy to care. We have jobs to do. An economy to support. And it just kind of makes me...sad. We have distanced ourselves so much from the beauty of nature and what the planet has actually given us to make our lives truly more interesting...And we've turned into monsters, killing and eating beautiful whales (um...why?), lions, and causing the deaths of thousands of other species. It literally makes me sick when I see a new development springing up somewhere. Do we really need all this?

 

It truly breaks my heart into a thousand pieces to see us, the superior hunters, out killing for sport, food we don't have to have, and for the almighty dollar. And whenever I see or read something about some ******* denying the findings of people who care to research what is really happening to our planet, it makes my skin crawl.

 

I really like tuna. That is the only fish I eat. It's a shame, and likely, that in my lifetime, I will not have that as a choice anymore. That fish will go extinct. As well as many others. At least we have beef and chicken...

 

I know this is different from what I usually post, but, it kind of makes me angry that one day I'll look around and think, "Oh, that path they paved/skyscraper they built/strategically-planted tree looks nice." It always takes my breath away to see something more beautiful than what we create, and that is nature...what our planet is offering up right under us and around us...but it may be destroyed past the point of no return.

 

My point in saying all this is we are no better than they (wildlife) are. We are the same. We are just different. And we should embrace that.

Edited December 18, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Yeah...it's that time of year...again. I can really do without all the holidays. I dread them. I cringe when someone says, "Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!" It's like...Okay, well, glad you're happy.

 

I can't say I've been excited for this season in the past. Maybe to have a few days off work or something, but I never got all warm and tingly thinking about what I could do with whom on x, y, and z dates. I used to find pleasure in coming up with great presents for my parents and my ex. But after the personal stock market crash of 2013, the bank of LITW sputtered to a financial standstill, where all resources were pocketed by bill collectors (having to live alone=less money). The holidays since have found me bankrupt, and this particular holiday finds me destitute in all ways. If there is a miracle out there...I need one badly.

 

It's amazing how...when you're childless, you are viewed as...how do I want to say this? Less than a person. For the first time in my life ever, I decided to have a peek at what welfare could offer. Help, maybe? What I found was, if you don't have a kid, don't bother. They might pay some utilities, though, but it's worthless if the house payments can't be made. I'll skip that route. Although the bank of mom and dad has closed up shop, sometimes I get a few bucks here and there, but they used to shield me from financial difficulty...they can no longer do that. And then there is the strong possibility that after just two more months, I will be surrounded by boxes once again, packing up my belongings...but for the first time in my life, I won't have anywhere to take them. Furniture...will have to be tossed out. Maybe even my mattress. No more phone. No more internet. No more writing.

 

I've tried...just about every avenue of getting a new position that will afford me this lifestyle, but now it looks like all the qualifications I've worked for may well just be fried off a burger patty on the night shift at the greasy spoon, while I squat in my parents' second bedroom listening to them argue and rant and rave, staring blankly out of the window over the train tracks wondering what I did to **** up so badly. At least they don't have a basement anymore; I may never see the light of day again.

 

29, 30, 31, 32, 33...all years spent trying to get out of the prison once again that I worked hard to buy my way out of at age 19. Maybe I'll get a break at 34, 35, 36, 37, or 38. Another 10 years spent hunkered down with my miserable parents, writing on LS about the woes of the day-to-day mundane dealings with irate customers and smelling like I just got home from a cooking oil party with grease slathered across my pimply forehead. "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?" I ask, still thinking about the enormity of my student loans and the electric bill in collections from this house I still can't manage to pay off. The embarrassment of failing causes me to retreat. Work, home, work, home, and work and home. That's all I can ever manage to do. Dating doesn't exist. Ovaries are baked. Time is expired to have the lives all my friends, who will no longer be my friends because of my change in lifestyle, have.

 

39, 40, 41, 42...Parents die at some point and it's time for me to move. I can't afford a car so I rent a room as close to my job as possible. Still can't afford my own place. I wake up every afternoon and put on my name tag and feel a few more brain cells die then I clamp on my visor to my shaved head and smile at myself with my rotten teeth in the mirror. One lucky day, I'm crossing the street at just the right moment to get hit by a bus. More human scum sloughed off the planet and never having to worry about appeasing the establishment again.

 

That's what this feels like. I spent my 20's trying to build my own safety net and it went up in flames. Now I face being poor which is completely different than being broke. If I put myself in a crappy job, I fear that's where I'll stay. I fear for my future and the goals I have will evaporate the further I get into the future.

 

I get pity from friends who ask, "What are you doing for Christmas?" Hmm, well nothing this year. I will make a quick trip with my parents to their friends' house, then I'll come home. The holidays have deteriorated for me since I got out of my last relationship. I'm happy my ex isn't doing that great, but at least he has his own family (and a job).

 

Me...I'm just on autopilot. Setting: hell in a hand basket. I'll roast some chestnuts on the way there I guess.

 

Single/unemployed/female/DUI=bad mix. Never a happy ending. I'll write again before I fall off the grid for a while.

[LostInTheWild]

Driving home, there were fireworks. They were so close I nearly ran off the road. I quickly regained my composure...cops were out...and I didn't feel like talking to them again. The loud thunder reminded me I'm still alive to see another year. And now, it sounds like a nuclear warhead has just gone off...

 

Ah, 2016...At this point, if you're still reading and cheering me on, you're probably thinking like so many others have told me, "This is your year!!!" And I chuckle inside. A deep, whole kind of chuckle. It really amuses me and brings me a slight sense of joy for all the wrong reasons. My opinionated mind just finds a reason for them to be wrong. I can piss and moan for hours over this very topic. And the best part is...I know I'm right.

 

See, I'm pretty bitter about the hope I had for 2015. If the job had worked out, the DUI would be a no-brainer. Hell, I still look at the little instruction sheets they gave me for community service and all and think, "Hmm...this ain't so bad." But...the "suckiness" is the COST of it. I actually laughed as I walked out of the probation office (queue bad 80's rap music) today thinking, "Really? That's what they pay these people for? What a gravy job...Population control..." I'm sure something will happen that wipes the smirk off my face...probably the fees I will have that I can't pay. Or maybe I'll get a job and it will truly be a slap on the wrist. Who knows? Bring it on 2016!! Baby, light my fire! I can't ****ing wait! *sarcasm*

 

I remember driving to work in January 2015, music blasting, head buzzing...and I just thought, "This year, my life will be SO different. I will be better. I have hope." Things seemed to be going my way. Sure, I was broke...then I got the salary I wanted elsewhere. And quickly, things turned for the worse. From getting a new job, to losing my job, to paying for the DUI, to paying my bills, to hoping that surely I'm good enough to get SOMETHING for work, to watching my credit slip, to watching myself become worthless, to dating, to being a mistress, and now facing the loss of my home.

 

Ever since that first point, I can honestly say, "**** you, 2015! BYE Felicia!" But what am I welcoming in 2016?

 

When people say, "2016 is YOUR year!!! It HAS to be!" I hear pity and a sigh of relief, "Thank god I'm not you." This is like telling someone with cancer, "They'll find a cure for cancer before you die!!!" And then they leave your presence and thank god they don't have cancer. Just...don't. Don't say anything of the kind to someone who keeps getting the door slammed in their face or slapped down every step of the way. My life is like the slow motion scene in Water for Elephants where Robert Pattinson keeps getting his ass kicked and he keeps getting back up. Really painful to watch and it actually is laughable because you think while watching this, "STAY DOWN!" This year, I'm staying down. **** that noise. Slumming it, bumming it...So, when someone pisses and moans, agree with them. They might just be right.

 

Okay, the positive aspects of 2015:

 

1. Warm and cool winter/summer at home and at work.

2. I ate well, for the most part.

3. Made a couple of new friends.

4. I made the highest salary in my lifetime.

5. I had some crushes.

6. Despite bad times, I still had some fun along the way.

7. I have good stories to tell now.

8. I learned about the many kinds of liars; good for self-preservation in the future.

9. I have more family now than I did in 2014 and I'm kind of grateful for that.

10. I learned what forgiveness means. It means letting go of anger.

11. I suppose I could be pretty pissed off about everything, but I'm not. Maybe it's my survival mechanism kicking in.

12. Sleeping in for a majority of the year (but I didn't want this).

13. Daydreaming of a life I could have and hoping for the best each day.

14. Being brave enough to face my problems alone; friends only like the drama; I did most of it alone. I can be proud of that.

15. Mastering resilience. But that only goes so far.

 

The negative aspects of 2015 (excuse the length, there were more negatives):

 

1. I thought I found a good job. It was not.

2. Getting ridiculed and spoken down to for a quarter of the year (I know I will never deal with this again. Next time I'm going to blow the **** up.)

3. Leaving behind my security and reputation in my previous position.

4. Getting fired. This truly sucks.

5. Also, getting fired knowing you have some odd dollars in the bank and wondering how you'll stretch it.

6. Getting fired knowing you're single and have nobody to rely on financially AND emotionally. Friends cannot relate. They're all happy.

7. Placing hope in new positions which wound up becoming fruitless ventures/wastes of time.

8. Applying to jobs desperately then daydreaming you get the one you liked the description of most only to be ignored. (positive aspect: learning to anticipate and relish in the comfort of rejection)

9. Getting pulled over while being intoxicated. It wasn't the worst thing that's happened to me, so I can actually laugh at this even though I fear jail. For some people, I know this is hard, but...I've seen it all. If Freddy Kruger appeared before me, I'd laugh him out of the dreamworld.

10. Fighting: family, myself, friends, myself, fighting, fighting, fighting. Fighting to get a job. Fighting to remain positive. Fighting to keep my home. Fighting to see the beauty of life. Fighting to not jump off a bridge. Fighting my mind. Fighting denial. And...frankly, I'm really ****ing tired.

11. Getting hurt. Over and over. I should be used to this by now. I'm happy to report recovery gets easier after the hundredth time. (see positive aspect of 2015: # 15).

12. Gaining weight.

13. Watching quality of skin deteriorate. Girls, those products you bathe in make a difference!

14. Drinking more.

15. Watching everyone move on with life knowing you're going to remain stuck for a long time. Longer than you ever imagined.

16. Laughing when people say, "2016 is YOUR year!" Hmm? You know I'm going to lose my house in a month right?

17. Planning throwing away everything you own because you can't afford storage.

18. Wanting to change your lifestyle but financially, you cant.

19. Wanting what others have. This blows.

20. Realizing and worst of all, accepting the cliche: "**** happens." Boy, does it ever. Accepting that is so much worse than the cliche itself. Now, I can't wait to get a busted up pickup truck that has the letters chiseled into the bumper, appearing brown from the rust. Maybe I can store my mattress in that.

 

 

It feels so weird, looking at the date and seeing that "1". The first of the month. I'm used to that, but then there's a change in the year. The first of 2016. It holds so much meaning to people like you can start over or something...Not me. I'm regressing. I'm spinning my wheels in this thread. I LOVE writing but...god damn it I wish I had something nice to say. SOMETHING NICE TO SAY. And every time I THINK I do...the universe laughs, "Haha, just kidding."

 

I know I'll be another year older before I know it. I had so many hopes and goals I wanted to achieve by my mid-20's. I was okay with not meeting my own expectations in the thick of it. It was okay to have fun. Then, I hit my late-20's and things didn't seem to be changing! Life still moved fast. I realigned my goals and prayed I'd reach them. I fought for it. I fought like I knew my worth even when I didn't. I'm now on the brink of turning 30. And you know what? I don't even want it. I'm a year away from that and I don't want the experience of missing my 20's and praying everyday that something will happen for me. Sadly, I believe the American Dream is dead (and I hate this country, therefore I will seek every opportunity to escape*). And not just for me, but for so many people like me. I write on here bitching about my life, but I understand I'm one in a trillion. I'm another mouth to feed, another voice unheard, another drop in the bucket. I haven't seen the ocean in nearly three years...and you know? I think I need to see it one more time. I never feel like I feel standing next to the huge body of water that reminds me that although I'm still small, I can be powerful. I can change. I still matter to someone, right?

 

*Ah, America...sweet, sweet land of the "free". My parents raised me, as veterans of the military, to believe in the true goodness of this country and that if you work with the system...it will reward. Don't go against the grain. Pay your bills on time. Work extremely hard even if you have to lick the boots of a clown. Look people in the eye. Hold your head high. Mhmm...Now, they hate when I tell them how much I dislike the home of the brave. This country is so bought and paid for...supersized, fast, dreams fleeting...and poisonous. The sad thing is I'm so used to it and hear that nowhere else is truly "better." I have to wonder about the direction of humanity. Isn't there more than trying to see the next beautiful island (where people proceed to throw their trash in various locations not designated for trash), seeing more than the oldest "great empire", getting the next generation cell phone, working 80 hours a week, getting the best deal on diapers for the kids, but every man is for himself...Is there more? Watching the sun come up and grace us with its presence and seeing the moon cycle through the galaxy every night? Reminding us of...what? That we will be able to work the next day? Profit? Make our wallets fat? Not having money has brought these things to the forefront. I used to really think it was "love" that would save me. Now, I really want the answer to these questions. Doesn't anybody wonder about this ****? I do. And I'm so very tired of this culture. I don't think I'll last another 2 years wondering if I can pay for this or that or working 10 jobs to pay a cable bill. Doesn't anyone wake up and think, "Something is really ****ed up here?" I guess not, so I'll chew cud with the other cows until the hour comes and our heads roll. I suspect this will worsen once the human population is bursting at the seams. Anyway, rant over.

 

So, for some fun, predictions for 2016 (will update with truth on December 31st, 2016):

 

1. I will lose my house and will be forced to move back in with my parents, mooching off of them.

2. I will create a t-shirt that reads: "Freeloader." I saw this in a movie and I really want one, but this will be accurate.

3. I will allow my physical appearance to further deteriorate and constantly have to battle my father who will want me to go to all of his biker meetings in order to "get out of the house and do something other than lay around all day." Which...that is why I moved out in the first place.

4. I will have one "ex" contact me.

5. I will lose my phone number for inability to pay said phone bill.

6. I will, in effect, receive peace from bill collectors.

7. I will, however, continue to participate in community service and all that jazz, despite the mounting debt I will accrue with county—yay for DUI's.

8. I will lose my license.

9. I will become unattractive to the opposite sex.

10. Mom will encourage me to open my mind and explore opportunities in fast food. A "career change," some might say.

11. I will start to believe that hey, maybe she's right. That's all I'm capable of AND living with her, I might just be lucky enough to be able to get my nails done—extra-long so I can't type AND color them orange!!! YES! I would have never been able to afford that before.

12. I will cut my long hair to butch lengths so everyone wonders if I'm a lesbian, and on the days I'm feeling particularly spiteful, I will tell them that I am, in fact, a lesbian.

13. I will continue to chain smoke.

14. I will continue to gain weight.

15. I will continue to have secret crushes on men like a school girl, but never act on them because all self-confidence will be diminished. I mean, what? I approach..say, "Call me baby, on my parent's home phone." Two days later, dad hard of hearing answers, "WHAT? Huh? Oh, who is this? How are you? Yeah, she's outside smoking. HOLD ON!"

16. OR...I get a "decent" job, move into a roach-infested apartment because I can no longer tolerate the parental units. Hey, at least it's cheap. Wait...is that a gun shot I hear? Get permit to carry...I already have a gun.

17. I will not date.

18. START ALL OVER AGAIN.

19. Donald Trump will win the election (not that I want him to), but at least I'll have cable with the 'rents to watch the heated debates!

 

That is what I DON'T feel like doing right now. I don't necessarily like the status quo, but...I don't really desire to uproot my life UNLESS I'm in control of it and want it and have saved for it. I never really realized how much power I had over my lifestyle when I had a job. And now, I'm completely powerless. It's hard to accept, but...I've accepted it. If by some miracle a job pops up in January, I'll be fine. If not, I have to move. Thanks, America. Thank you for making it easy to fire people who have done nothing wrong. Amen. I support you! *middle finger extended* And I will not vote this year.

 

Happy 2016. With my extended middle finger carrying with it all the emotions from the bottom of my heart.

 

Yours Truly.

Edited January 1, 2016 by LostInTheWild