Lost In The Wild

[Hoosfoos]

We all want the same things.

[LostInTheWild]

I wear makeup everyday. I have done so since my mid-twenties.

 

Today was the first day I even considered not applying makeup. I stood in the bathroom looking at myself skeptically, wondering why I even bothered trying anymore. I wondered if there was a need for me to even try to look nice. For what?

 

Why did I struggle through my breakups by painting my face? I guess I always thought there was more to it. There was something I enjoyed about making myself look better than I felt on the inside. I liked playing with colors. I liked defining my eyes. I liked making my cheeks look rosy. I liked standing out because I was so good at it.

 

Today, I considered closing up shop, packing it all away, and calling it a day. I think it's time my appearance matches the way I feel inside. A blank canvas, ready to be painted, but set aside in a dark corner of a room.

 

I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a long time. She's all coupled up and happy. Her fashionista side has all but completely evaporated. When I expressed how I was surprised to another friend over dinner the other night, she simply said, "Maybe she doesn't feel like doing it anymore."

 

I'm no artist. I can't paint. I can't write. I can't create. I thought I could at one time, but the more creative I try to get, the more I hate looking at what I create. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate staring at someone who can't get their **** together.

 

Through my unemployment, I made sure to apply what little makeup I had when I left the house. I made sure to look put together as much as I could despite being on a sinking ship. Maybe it would mean something to me. Maybe I'd mean more to someone. I could hide pain beneath the layers of my face.

 

I don't want to hide how much I've given up anymore. It's too much work being who I am. I don't need more work on top of that. I just don't feel like doing it anymore.

 

Pull the brushes out, wash them carefully, and set them under the sink. There's no point anymore.

[LostInTheWild]

"LITW, if I could wave my wand and make a magical man appear for you, I would," my friend told me on the phone today as I sobbed. I wasn't sure what I was crying about anymore at this point. Probably crying about all these years I've spent crying.

 

I don't really know what happened to me today. Something snapped in me as I woke up in the morning. My body felt heavy. I felt a million miles away from my own mind. I took my time this morning while getting ready. I opened the car door, sat inside and said, "Another day." I don't remember how I got to work.

 

I flopped on my chair and looked around as though my office were reminiscent of my empty house. Nothing. Then I spotted my keyboard and started my day, the screen flickering a bright blue.

 

I had screwed up at work on Monday by forgetting to let anyone know the cleaning crew was coming in and so they set the alarm off, police came, and so did a rather upset phone call from my boss.

 

I dared not tell him what I was thinking about that morning. Or that I was sad. Or that I can't think straight. All I could do was answer him honestly and cradle my head in my hands while whispering how sorry I was.

 

As I started working, my eyes teared up. I grabbed a tissue from my tissue box. Then another. And another. Before I knew it, I was sobbing. Luckily, nobody saw me.

 

Today I wished my boss would have yelled at me. I wish he would have ripped me a new one for my mistake because I've made so many, it might make me feel better to know what a **** up I actually am. I wish he would have. But he didn't. He blamed the cleaning crew.

 

Over the last two weeks, I've gone from high heels and flowing hair, to flats and a dowdy bun. Tomorrow will be a greasy, dowdy bun with no makeup. The following day, greasy, dowdy bun with no makeup and mismatching clothes. In my mind, at least.

 

Actually, tomorrow I'll wear one last makeup look. One that reminds me of good times. Then I'll let it go. Either way, the end is near.

 

Over lunch, I chain smoked. Cried. Called my friend crying. I don't remember crying so much in a day. By the time I got back to work, tears streaked my makeup. I sniffled. I looked just as sniveling as I felt.

 

I hate emotions. They do nothing but drag me down. I wish there was a pill I could take that would make them go away. I'd be able to focus better on the tasks at hand. I was doing so well with this until I got a taste of that fear again. The fear of liking someone too much. The feeling of the floor falling beneath my feet. The knowing that the road chosen is a painful one. Or...maybe I'm just extra hormonal.

 

Another edition of: poor me, wah, wah, wah. I don't know what's wrong with me but it sucks. Can't wait for it to go away. I think I'm nearing having a mental breakdown. I can't function.

[LostInTheWild]

I wasn't going to give him a name on this thread. "That French Guy" would have worked just fine. When I first met him, I wasn't going to pursue it. Only 4 months here? Nah... Then we talked. I wasn't going to meet him. Then we talked some more. And I did.

 

It's funny how you think you're totally in control of yourself. You go so long and you begin to believe you're in a better place mentally. You think you'll break the pattern. You'll be someone different. You won't feel things, like so many other times over the last year or so. You'll come and go.

 

I'm not going to spin tall tales here. I was mad as hell earlier this week. I've experienced every emotion in the span of seven days that I've managed to stretch out over at least the last three. Never have I felt anything more intensely.

 

By Wednesday, I'd snapped and was calling it a day. Frenchie canceled our date to go out to Philadelphia to meet up with friends he hadn't seen in a long time. It wasn't exactly the fact he'd canceled, but it did bother me that he told me he wanted to see me and yet his actions said otherwise. I was done thinking this was some cultural thing; maybe it was something I just couldn't understand.

 

I still had my phone charger at his place that I stupidly forgot the last time I was there. After being rejected I brought it up and told him I'd pick it up that night. He agreed and told me he had to go to a birthday party so he'd tell them he'd be there at 8. I was fretting over it all morning with my friends until one of them gave me the suggestion to just leave it there. My immaturity told me that not only was it a fantastic idea, it would also be awesome to tell him I'm coming to get it and just not show up. I started to smile again and by the end of the work day, I felt better again.

 

I went to therapy. I needed someone to talk to. I needed to tell her how messed up I was over a one night stand with a lying guy I actually liked. Then, I reached for my phone to read her messages of what was going on.

 

The course of the day was forever changed by the single text he had sent to me:

 

You know I'm really sorry about all of that, I really don't want you to think I don't want to see you anymore. My act doesn't show it, but I promise when I come back from France, we will organize something

 

"Oh ****. Now I have to get my charger!" I exclaimed to my therapist. I explained everything to her and she told me that I should do whatever I feel I need to do. And I felt that being a bitch to him was just...not right. I told him I'd be there in a short while.

 

I don't understand Frenchie. I like that I don't get it. I mean, I expected him to be standing outside holding the charger. After I walked inside, I expected him to be standing on the landing holding my charger, ready to escort me out. When I reached the top of the stairs, I expected him to be there, staring at me like an intruder. Americans would do that. I'd have been called crazy by now. "One night and you want to see me again??? Are you crazy?! Stop bothering me!" Of course, that's an exaggeration, but it's not far from the truth.

 

I always feel a pit of dread in my stomach when I go to meet him. I keep thinking I won't be attracted to him. I keep thinking it's never going to happen again. Not like the European. It will never be like that. But then I see Frenchie, moving about, and I stop. I'm instantly attracted to him. Just like the first night.

 

"Would you like anything to drink? I have more of that sparkling water! I haven't had time to get wine or anything like that this week. I've been so busy," he said.

 

"I love sparkling water! Sure!" I responded tensely. I'm always uncomfortable since I've been getting rejected by him. I stand awkwardly by the couch, fondling my glass, or rest a cheek on the armrest, and he finally says, "Please, sit down." So I do.

 

He tells me that he's been very busy. He explains everything he has going on and how it's much more work that he anticipated. He apologizes to me again.

 

We have two things in common. I'll talk about one later, but the interesting one is that we both got DUIs. He complained about our traffic lights. He talked about confusion with paying tolls. I could see he was slightly overwhelmed, even if he really wanted to be in the states. It's not easy. We shared work stories.

 

I never relaxed. I thought he would stop the conversation. I thought he'd tell me to leave. We checked the time at one point. A friend of mine was waiting for me so we could hang a little. He had a party to attend. He mentioned the time, 7:45, and continued talking.

 

I couldn't leave and not have him touch me one more time before he left for two weeks back to France (not to mention, this additional weekend I won't see him makes it three). He did something to me on Friday night. His smell, his demeanor, his...something...made me want him.

 

I motioned with my hand to have him move closer to me. He smiled and moved towards me. I kissed him deeply. He kissed me back. We did this for a couple of minutes until I moved to sit on his lap. His hands glided over my waist and up my sides while he looked me in the eyes.

 

"I know that I hurt you by canceling and I just don't want you to think that I'm using you. When I get back from France we can do this but I just want you to know I don't play around and I'm really sorry," he said, looking kindly into my eyes.

 

I don't know what to say anymore when someone expresses emotion to me. I took it in and leaned in to kiss him. He wasn't as into it this time so I leaned back and asked, "So, you don't even want to kiss me then?" He said, "I do. I just..." And my mouth covered his again.

 

As soon as the moan escaped my lips and danced onto his, I felt him stir underneath me. I quickly stood up, realizing what I had done. I grabbed my purse, expecting him to stop himself and give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

 

He stood from the couch, questioning me, "So you're just going to leave me like this?" He quickly moved around the coffee table and faced me, where he kissed me passionately, his hands searching. His hand brushed over my chest, briefly, as if by mistake. "Are you wearing a bra?" He asked.

 

"Nope. They've been flopping around all day long," I beamed, as if proud that my small boobs could turn anyone's attention, which frequently wasn't the case. But his face changed. It looked darker. His eyes grew more serious. My body started to tremble. It was on. He kissed me hard and bent me backwards, more frantic, like I'd awakened a beast within.

 

He paused, "Are you sure?"

 

I nodded. He kissed me again and lifted me up as I wrapped my body around his. He carried me to the bedroom. It was the most titillating experience I've had in years. My mind didn't care. My body needed him. My eardrums hummed as he spoke French. I kissed him every chance I could. It was carnal. It was raw. It was passionate.

 

Then it was over. I expected to feel badly. I expected to want to stay. I expected a lot of things that I'd feel, confusing feelings, things that keep me bathing in my own negativity.

 

Breathlessly, I pulled my clothes on as he spoke. He was officially really late for his party. I smiled as chills still ran through my body.

 

"That was really good. Much better than planning it," he joked. He turned to me fully dressed. I looked up at him. He was sweaty and a shade of red I'd never seen before. If we didn't have to be anywhere, I would have ripped his clothes off again.

 

I laughed a little. Hugged him, kissed him, and rushed out into the night as he followed yelling after me, "You made me late for the party!"

 

I glided over the grass and sat in my car. It roared to life and I peeled out.

 

I glanced at a text before dialing my friend.

 

"Did u die"

 

I laughed.

 

I called her to tell her I was stopping at the store and then I'd meet her. I arrived at the store and glanced in the mirror. My face was red. My neck had red marks on it. I was still breathing hard. I calmed myself and went in. There was a roar of laughter as I was spotted. I must have looked a fright.

 

I met up with my friend at a different store where I told her what happened. She said she knew what I was doing because I texted her, "I'm still here one sec."

 

She then said, "Man, you went through a huge range of emotions this week and now you seem fine. I don't get it." Her glance looked troubled. So, I figured out that I'm scared to feel this way again. Especially about someone who will not be staying. He could possibly, but we all know that's not how it works. We all know life doesn't work like that. I can't worry about that right now though.

 

"LITW, just enjoy the ride. You never know what could happen. He's new here, he's busy, and he's here for work. You could wind up moving to France."

 

I entertained the thought for a moment. But that's not how things happen. They usually fall apart. And, I usually fall with them.

 

I guess, for now, things are on hold. Time will reveal what is supposed to happen. I doubt anything good will come from this, but I guess you never know what lies ahead.

 

"Intense intensity intensifies as the sweet flush of oxytocin blooms in my brain and stains my cheeks pink and neck red."

[DontBreakEven]

Over the course of the past week, I have read your entire story. While your luck sounds as sh*t as mine, and we harbor a lot of the same fears, I do just have to say: literally every man you've had feelings for has been "unavailable" in some sense - ie, married, lives too far away, will be moving soon, doesn't want you back, etc. And every man who has actually been available to you, you like a sh*t ton at first, then lose interest within weeks and suddenly don't wish to rip his clothes off and write him off as not "the one" (probably when you realize he's actually interested and invested).

 

I'd focus with the therapist on what that's about.

[LostInTheWild]

Over the course of the past week, I have read your entire story. While your luck sounds as sh*t as mine, and we harbor a lot of the same fears, I do just have to say: literally every man you've had feelings for has been "unavailable" in some sense - ie, married, lives too far away, will be moving soon, doesn't want you back, etc. And every man who has actually been available to you, you like a sh*t ton at first, then lose interest within weeks and suddenly don't wish to rip his clothes off and write him off as not "the one" (probably when you realize he's actually interested and invested).

 

I'd focus with the therapist on what that's about.

 

I have to agree with you and I'm very aware of this issue.

 

However, I do have to say that the ones that were available were ones I wasn't really attracted to or they did something that totally turned me off (it had nothing to do with anyone really liking me back, in my opinion). Last one was 29 and still heavily depended on his mom. He also had low testosterone, which I would have been willing to work on, but...he did things I didn't like (I don't write about everything).

 

The married men I knew nothing about initially. It isn't as if I actively sought it out because it was a barrier I wanted or craved.

 

The European, I wanted to date him, but I was painfully aware he didn't want that. The French guy, yeah he may very well move away...this is where I figured out maybe that's why I liked him so much, but I don't know. If I liked strictly unavailable men, why do I not pursue more one night stands with my one night stands? Why am I not attracted to them because they're also unavailable? I don't get it.

 

Since it began, I've only felt the way I feel now two times. The others, I really liked a LOT initially, then they turned out to be something I wasn't into. I'm sure you can identify the two I was really smitten with.

 

Thank you for stopping by, reading and commenting.

[DontBreakEven]

Yes ma'am ... you were smitten with the European, and the affair guy you ratted out.

 

Idk, maybe it's a subconscious thing. Because I think I do the same thing to an extent. I am working hard on breaking that.

 

I just found as I was reading that I kept rooting for the nice guys you were meeting and really liking, all while kinda already knowing I'd lose them soon as the reader. And then the blatantly low investment men were the ones you were consistently pedestalling and comparing everyone to. (I also knew I'd be losing those guys too )

 

But who knows. Maybe it's just bad luck. I can't tell if I've had bad luck or if my picker is just THAT bad.

 

I am glad you've found someone else though that makes you excited. I am really hoping for that for myself.

Edited April 10, 2017 by DontBreakEven

[LostInTheWild]

Yes ma'am ... you were smitten with the European, and the affair guy you ratted out.

 

Idk, maybe it's a subconscious thing. Because I think I do the same thing to an extent. I am working hard on breaking that.

 

I just found as I was reading that I kept rooting for the nice guys you were meeting and really liking, all while kinda already knowing I'd lose them soon as the reader. And then the blatantly low investment men were the ones you were consistently pedestalling and comparing everyone to. (I also knew I'd be losing those guys too )

 

But who knows. Maybe it's just bad luck. I can't tell if I've had bad luck or if my picker is just THAT bad.

 

I am glad you've found someone else though that makes you excited. I am really hoping for that for myself.

 

I'm just curious...who did you think was nice?

 

The guy who ate boogers? The rich guy who thought he was doing me a favor by buying me dinner while he complained about his ex? The teacher who broke things off (my bad)? The Russian who was too rough with me? The short guy who wanted to play around but later changed his mind (he was too late)? The realtor?

 

I mean, who was really that great here? I don't see it (at the time I would have told you that you were wrong! Gotta give everyone a chance; line up!). Everyone in this area who is worth a damn is married by now. Bunch of turds, I attract! I tell ya! it's like getting poo stuck on your shoe.

 

I did have some strong feelings for the EMT, but he is not who I meant. I used him as a crutch to get through a difficult time then I blew fire on him (he ****ing deserved it too). There's a special place in hell for him.

 

I still carry a torch for the European. It's funny that I do, but although he broke my heart in the end, I learned a lot and he served his purpose at the time.

 

I don't think I choose poorly. I think I'm just too open to letting new people into my life. They are who they are and I can't change them.

 

But I appreciate what you say. Thank you for that. I did feel pretty excited. Now I'm not so sure if I should be all guns ablazing here. Nothing ever works out and I don't think it ever will. Still waiting to be surprised (although I definitely was that night).

[DontBreakEven]

What about the artist? Or the most recent Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter Over guy?

 

Yes I was also thinking of the teacher, who you also picked apart, but I don't think you were really emotionally available at that time anyway. I knew the artist never stood a chance in hell due to the EMT. But man, when Chapter 1 started after like almost a year of nothing, I was like this is good, this is good, I like this ... ugh soooo ... when is she gonna start picking him apart?

[LostInTheWild]

The artist drank too much...and he drove. Right after I got my DUI. He already had a DUI! He learned nothing from it at all because months later he texted me and told me he got another one! Lol. He totaled his car. If I had a nickel for every time I picked someone apart, I'd be rich...and right!

 

The guy in the chapters was the momma's boy. One night I went to see him and he made me feel very uncomfortable. I tap kissed him to greet him then told him I thought I might be getting a touch of a cold (I didn't) because I was feeling a little low. He made a huge production of it telling me he didn't appreciate it, how I should have stayed home, then told me he was joking. It was so bad I was getting ready to leave. I thought he was serious. Then he did it again with choosing movies at a redbox. After that and with everything else, I decided he wasn't for me.

 

I'm not trying to be defensive about it. I just got to know these guys and I paid attention to what I don't want. They might not have been all bad, but they weren't the right ones for me. I truly hope they're all happy (minus the sons of bitches).

 

Funny thing though, is I have this idealistic way of viewing how love should be and how it should feel. If it doesn't feel like that at all for me, then I do not continue. Problem is, when I do continue, it's usually at my expense and I wind up sacrificing my dignity to stay in a situation that will never work in my favor.

 

People tell me to have fun, enjoy the process, etc. and I just can't enjoy it. I have trouble with not knowing where I stand with men. I like clarity or else I clam up and shut down.

 

With the European, I definitely did that. I just shut down how I truly felt about him and "enjoyed having fun" to his face while I freaked out on LS and with everyone else who knew me. He would never give me an opportunity to express my feelings and he didn't share much about himself. In comparison, Frenchie is a bit different than him. It seems like he isn't afraid that I have emotions but the damage has been done and therefore I'll probably wind up sitting on the sidelines again, biting my tongue out of fear. What am I afraid of? I don't know. I'm sure it's a deep rooted fear from childhood.

 

With everyone else, I was the same. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve typically, although on LS it definitely seems like I do because I write incessantly. I'm pretty much just about fun, trying to enjoy people, and appreciate the time I get. I can see how aloof I might seem, too. My poor friends are probably sick of me too. I think that's the cycle I need to break.

[DontBreakEven]

Funny thing though, is I have this idealistic way of viewing how love should be and how it should feel. If it doesn't feel like that at all for me, then I do not continue. Problem is, when I do continue, it's usually at my expense and I wind up sacrificing my dignity to stay in a situation that will never work in my favor.

 

This is the part I pick up on. I can definitely feel that from you, and I think it's why a lot of these guys are quickly written off as "not the one for you". I just question if that "feeling" stems from subconsciously knowing that the other person is somewhat unavailable. Like I seriously just wonder if after the redbox tiff with Mamma's Boy, had you maybe caught him texting another chick that night or something, if you would've suddenly sparked more feeling for him.

 

Recently I was in a situation with someone that was supposed to be casual. And I felt like I could make it so because I really wasn't THAT interested. But then the person started pulling away and power shifted and suddenly that person was HIGH up on a pedestal for me. So much so, my friends called me out on it.

 

Just a thought, from someone who deals with the same thing. But. I can tell you, that I've given the nice ones a chance before and, so long as there was some sort of interest on my end, that feeling that you speak of ended up coming. And the relationship became real. All the times when my feeling was so hot and heavy and romantic right away, it was actually, deep down, in retrospect ... anxiety.

Edited April 11, 2017 by DontBreakEven

[LostInTheWild]

Good points you make here.

 

I just want to clarify that none of the "nice guys" we're really what I was looking for. I don't know. I think that having issues so early on is a turn off. I have a very keen eye for identifying what I know will end up bothering me in the long run.

 

I will never settle for anything less than I want, even if it means I'm on here whinging for 4 more years. If I feel lukewarm about someone, and I give it many chances without any improvement, I move on. My problems begin when I get heavily involved and attached to the wrong men.

 

I say "wrong" and not emotionally unavailable because after some thought and discussion I've concluded that it really is code for "he's just not that into you". If someone was into me but not other women before he met me, does it mean that he was incapable of having emotions? I don't think so. The men I've dated moved on quite fine and they seemed to put all that aside once they met someone that drove them crazy.

 

I can't say that the love I felt for some was purely anxiety, because it felt real and still feels real upon review. I suppose it could make it stronger, but if it ain't there, it ain't. I can't force it or nurture it or develop it. I really tried so hard with Momma's Boy. It was a learning experience in that I am not wired for it. So, I won't do it again. I love nice men but the spark just has to be there or it doesn't matter if they're related to Mother Theresa, I will never love them for more than them being genuinely nice people.

[DontBreakEven]

That is all fair enough and understandable. I'm the same as you in that I can spot what will drive me nuts a mile away, but I'm a little different than you in that I usually don't even go on a date with them if I can see that (or definitely not a second date).

 

It's funny you mention the term emotionally unavailable, because my definition of that term is different. I actually brought up the term to the last person I was dating, because that person was. And when I said it, this person said "You think I'm not emotional??". I was like no, not at all, I think you're very emotional. But at the moment all your emotions are wrapped up in your ex. Therefore, you are emotionally unavailable to me. I won't get emotion out of you, because it is bottled up elsewhere. If it's not a case like that then yes, it's basically he's just not that into you.

 

Doesn't it suck, that rarely is the spark there for both at the same time? I hear ya on that. I need the spark too. I hate that I get a spark sometimes for people who just don't have it for me, but think I'm "awesome". Ugh. No rhyme or reason. I knew when I was shamelessly watching the last season of the Bachelor who he was gonna pick when he started spouting all the amazing qualities she had off to her. Yup. No. The "amazing" one is not the one he wants.

 

And it's not like it hasn't happened the other way around many times either, where I am telling them they are great but not great for me, so I get that it's not to be taken personally. Chemistry just is what it is.

 

Anyway, apologies for hijacking your thread. You should go back and revise your 2017 predictions and see if they were right. You got the election right, even though at the time, it was clearly another one of your doom and gloom outlooks. Hope you put money on that one.

Edited April 13, 2017 by DontBreakEven

[LostInTheWild]

That is all fair enough and understandable. I'm the same as you in that I can spot what will drive me nuts a mile away, but I'm a little different than you in that I usually don't even go on a date with them if I can see that (or definitely not a second date).

 

It's funny you mention the term emotionally unavailable, because my definition of that term is different. I actually brought up the term to the last person I was dating, because that person was. And when I said it, this person said "You think I'm not emotional??". I was like no, not at all, I think you're very emotional. But at the moment all your emotions are wrapped up in your ex. Therefore, you are emotionally unavailable to me. I won't get emotion out of you, because it is bottled up elsewhere. If it's not a case like that then yes, it's basically he's just not that into you.

 

Doesn't it suck, that rarely is the spark there for both at the same time? I hear ya on that. I need the spark too. I hate that I get a spark sometimes for people who just don't have it for me, but think I'm "awesome". Ugh. No rhyme or reason. I knew when I was shamelessly watching the last season of the Bachelor who he was gonna pick when he started spouting all the amazing qualities she had off to her. Yup. No. The "amazing" one is not the one he wants.

 

And it's not like it hasn't happened the other way around many times either, where I am telling them they are great but not great for me, so I get that it's not to be taken personally. Chemistry just is what it is.

 

Anyway, apologies for hijacking your thread. You should go back and revise your 2017 predictions and see if they were right. You got the election right, even though at the time, it was clearly another one of your doom and gloom outlooks. Hope you put money on that one.

 

There's no hijacking here. I like talking to people on LS. So few actually speak up so I enjoy when they do.

 

I laughed when I went back and read my predictions for 2016. Shocker...90% accurate. I should get paid for that.

 

So since you requested it, here I go:

 

1. I will move out of my parents' place or make plans to do so, but it will still be in this **** hole area. I'm not going anywhere. I will die in the death grip this place has on me.

 

2. I will take a trip out of this country. My friend is moving to Trinidad, so that's probably the most excitement I'll get out of this year. Trinidad for the win!!!

 

3. I will not stay in my current position. I will either be fired for my increasingly poor attitude or I'll get promoted and continue with my increasingly poor attitude.

 

4. No serious relationships are on the horizon. I will most likely continue to pretend I'm 12 and piss and moan about it via LS and to my friends who probably are growing sick of listening to my sorry ass.

 

5. In conjunction with number 4, I predict that Frenchie will never contact me again. If he does, you'll know in the near future, but I stand firm on this prediction. I will spend another year wondering if I'm even lovable since not one man has told me so in 4 years. I must be onto something here.

 

6. I predict I will quit smoking. For real this year. I'll sneak one or two, but my relationship with cigarettes will come to an end.

 

7. I believe I will find I'm in poor health, with my body harboring a serious health issue.

 

8. Someone in my family will die. I predict at least one funeral.

 

9. I will continue to go out more. I foresee one or two more one night stands. Then, I will stop and focus on myself once again, only attempting to date one or two times after the fact and it will all fail.

 

10. All holidays will suck as usual. My birthday will bring great sadness and regret. I will reflect more around that time. I will once again contemplate a partial hysterectomy.

 

11. WW3 will begin towards the middle of the year, led by an orange orangutan with white fuzz taped to its head.

 

I will update in 2018, if we are not all blown to smithereens.

[DontBreakEven]

Lol were they 90% accurate?? I'd like to see the comparison with what actually happened.

 

The good news is that this year you've seemed to become slightly less cynical ... emphasis on slightly.

[Hoosfoos]

I like the way you write. You seem really neat. You also don't seem to have any trouble meeting guys, so there's that. I hope that you're able to get on the right track. You're still young. Trust me on that.

[LostInTheWild]

Lol were they 90% accurate?? I'd like to see the comparison with what actually happened.

 

The good news is that this year you've seemed to become slightly less cynical ... emphasis on slightly.

 

Yes, I'm not kidding. I predicted 2016.

 

Thanks for saying I sound less cynical. I notice a pep in my step these days. More engaged at work, talking to friends often, more relaxed. But, I'm sure it's just temporary. Just you wait. Cynical will return.

[LostInTheWild]

So, for some fun, predictions for 2016 (will update with truth on December 31st, 2016):

Sorry folks, this was forgotten about and buried somewhere with a bunch of other junk.

 

1. I will lose my house and will be forced to move back in with my parents, mooching off of them.

Well, I must say, I certainly did lose my house and I certainly am sitting in my parents' second bedroom right now.

 

2. I will create a t-shirt that reads: "Freeloader." I saw this in a movie and I really want one, but this will be accurate.

 

I did get a job, so I'm not really a complete freeloader. Wrong.

 

3. I will allow my physical appearance to further deteriorate and constantly have to battle my father who will want me to go to all of his biker meetings in order to "get out of the house and do something other than lay around all day." Which...that is why I moved out in the first place.

I did allow my physical appearance to deteriorate but I am in the process of fixing 'er up again. Dad does not bother me.

4. I will have one "ex" contact me.

 

I don't think I wrote about this, but the man who started it all did contact me...BUT, it was in the beginning of January so I did fall short on that since we are talking about 2016 here. Wrong.

 

5. I will lose my phone number for inability to pay said phone bill.

 

Wrong. Someone helped me immensely and paid my phone bill. Thx for that.

 

6. I will, in effect, receive peace from bill collectors.

 

I did receive peace because my phone has a nice little feature called, "Block Number".

 

7. I will, however, continue to participate in community service and all that jazz, despite the mounting debt I will accrue with county—yay for DUI's.

 

You betcha I did. I'm done now but it was a crawl to the finish line.

 

8. I will lose my license.

 

You betcha I did.

 

9. I will become unattractive to the opposite sex.

 

This is subjective and is currently, still, under review.

 

10. Mom will encourage me to open my mind and explore opportunities in fast food. A "career change," some might say.

 

Sure she did. I don't talk to her anymore.

 

11. I will start to believe that hey, maybe she's right. That's all I'm capable of AND living with her, I might just be lucky enough to be able to get my nails done—extra-long so I can't type AND color them orange!!! YES! I would have never been able to afford that before.

 

Nah, I finally got a job. Not in fast food. I still like to let my nails grown out though...

 

12. I will cut my long hair to butch lengths so everyone wonders if I'm a lesbian, and on the days I'm feeling particularly spiteful, I will tell them that I am, in fact, a lesbian.

 

I'm considering this for next month, but I was wrong.

 

13. I will continue to chain smoke.

 

Yay.

 

14. I will continue to gain weight.

 

Yay, but I've leveled off. I've been told I'm fine the way I am and have "great ass".

 

15. I will continue to have secret crushes on men like a school girl, but never act on them because all self-confidence will be diminished. I mean, what? I approach..say, "Call me baby, on my parent's home phone." Two days later, dad hard of hearing answers, "WHAT? Huh? Oh, who is this? How are you? Yeah, she's outside smoking. HOLD ON!"

 

I still continue to have secret crushes on people. Does it ever stop?

 

16. OR...I get a "decent" job, move into a roach-infested apartment because I can no longer tolerate the parental units. Hey, at least it's cheap. Wait...is that a gun shot I hear? Get permit to carry...I already have a gun.

 

I still have a gun. I am not ready to move. Me likey not having to pay bills.

 

17. I will not date.

 

Wrong. I got lonely one night and ended up with a mama's boy. That was IT though.

 

18. START ALL OVER AGAIN.

 

Yep. I'm still starting all over again. Where to?

 

19. Donald Trump will win the election (not that I want him to), but at least I'll have cable with the 'rents to watch the heated debates!

 

Yep. He did.

 

Okay, so when I put it this way, meh, maybe it's 50% right. Even a broken clock can be right twice a day...

[LostInTheWild]

I like the way you write. You seem really neat. You also don't seem to have any trouble meeting guys, so there's that. I hope that you're able to get on the right track. You're still young. Trust me on that.

 

 

Thank you Hoosfoos. I like that you've been a trooper for so long and continue to pop in and say hi.

 

I'm not sure many women have trouble attracting men, though, as we do all have vaginas. I'm frequently reminded that that is all men want from me. I am beginning to believe this is the case.

[LostInTheWild]

"I don't know," I said in a meeting the other day.

 

"I don't know," I said to someone who asked me what I was doing for Easter.

 

"I don't know," I said to my friend as I explained how I felt now that one of my best friends has now left the country permanently.

 

"I don't know," I whisper every morning when I get up in the morning and before I go to bed at night.

 

I don't know the answers to anything. I used to think I was getting smarter as I got older, but the more I think I know, the more confused I get about everything.

 

The only thing that I'm sure of is that I'll have a job to do today. I'll most likely have a job to do tomorrow. Next week, I'll get paid. Tax deadline is tomorrow. The sun will rise and set whether I'm here or not.

 

But, what I don't know is why I'm jogging in place. I don't know why my life and seems to stay the same while everyone else's changes. Divorce, moving, planning for more children, buying new cars, marriage, relationships. I don't do those things. I wake up in the morning, go to work, and come home, throw in the odd trip, the odd drunken night, the odd man or two. I don't have a goal in mind, but I do possess a loss of focus.

 

Am I too afraid to utter the words? Am I too afraid to show that I am human and that I would like to participate in the real world? Am I too afraid to say that maybe I'd like to come home to someone? To be in love or have someone love me? To be pregnant and feel a baby grow inside of me? To change? To love another person more than I love myself?

 

Or do I just not want those things?

 

I heard a baby cry on Friday when I was in another city, helping my friend tie up some loose ends. Our differences are so apparent and glaringly obvious now that she has children and I do not. She reminds me that we are 30, but I remind her that there is no book on how we are supposed to be.

 

I can still hear that baby crying. I can still see the father holding her and comforting her. I wondered what it would be like to have that. My own little cub. My own family that I made.

 

But I don't know what I want.

 

I woke up this morning and remembered my last hug I gave my friend. She is the only reason I really went back to where I grew up. She's the one who kept me sane. And now, she's gone. I know it'll be okay, but it just confuses me even more. What does life have to offer to me now? I keep trying to force it in different directions and it just never materializes. I just don't know.

 

Become a gym rat again? Go out drinking more? Travel to Trinidad? Work harder, longer hours? Buy more things? Move to a ****ty apartment I can barely afford? What do I do now? What makes the most sense?

 

I drove for hours yesterday, and contemplated driving away and leaving everything behind. That wouldn't make it better. So I finally drove home and prepared for work the next day.

 

What will make this feeling go away? The feeling that makes me question my reality to the point where I feel like I need to scatter myself all throughout the states and be nowhere but everywhere at the same time? What will ground me, anchor me, and keep me sane now?

 

I don't know.

[LostInTheWild]

Welcome to another saga of over analyzing, silent despair, desperation, and sadness.

 

It's like buying a puppy. You know dogs have a short lifespan, but you love them while you can, knowing they will be a costly heartbreak in the end.

 

But you buy it anyway. Because you just know you have to have it. You just know something is different in how it looks at you, greets you, how well it will fit into your life.

 

I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing here, but my god, it feels so right. I've never been more certain of anything in my life. My brain and heart talk about this daily and are in agreement. I'm once again going to go after something I will never be able to have.

 

And I'm so sure of this. I can't explain why. It's going to burn worse than hellfire if it remains the way it is but I can't shake this feeling that it won't.

 

Let this serve as a test. For myself.

 

How much can I really trust my instincts? My intuition? My soul? Everyone thinks I'm crazy. I probably am.

[LostInTheWild]

Tonight is wine night.

 

Tonight I get to have too much wine, watch too many movies, do too much laundry, and stagger around trying to shower while I get ready for work tomorrow.

 

And I'll pay dearly for it in the morning.

 

It'll be okay though. I'll get some coffee, maybe get in trouble for my Friday outburst, maybe not, and say ten Hail Mary's as my eyes glaze over while I stare at the clock, waiting for the end of the day so I can do this again tomorrow night and the next night and the next and the next. Friday I might upgrade to sitting proper at a bar stool, or lounging on my friend's couch while we commiserate on our unhappy lives.

 

Time to start practicing being an alcoholic again. In about 5 years, I'll get up and buy a cat, maybe two, or I'll get a house full of them so I can be on hoarders. They'll dig up dead carcasses in my living room of the cats I bought in my 30's, reminding me of this moment in time. I can look back on it fondly in 40 years of I'm not dead sooner.

 

But that requires too much planning. Too much commitment. I live in the now, damn it. I don't commit to anything. So here's another post that doesn't mean anything. Just ignore it.

[LostInTheWild]

The wind is strong tonight.

 

It whispers through the trees and kisses each leaf as it passes by. It's a gentle, quiet wind, delicately bending back each branch it caresses.

 

It can't reach me, though. I've sought shelter from it. I don't want it to touch me. I don't want it to push my hair back into a different direction. I don't want to feel it graze my face and dance along my neck. I don't even want to hear the sound of it, but I still can, echoing sweet somethings into my ears.

 

It swishes and sways around me now, and I can hear it, but it's too loud for me to listen. I don't know what it's trying to tell me. But I can smell it. It smells like fear.

 

The universe is trying to tell me something tonight. Yet all I hear is the loud hissing and all I can feel are the nerves in my body telling me that my time is up. It's close and it's fleeting.

 

Life is the universe. It is not for me to control. I don't have the power to change it. I do have the strength to endure it.

 

For now.

[LostInTheWild]

A flash of light. And then another. Behind my closed eyes, I see the beach. I hear the giggling of small children. I feel the sand between my fingertips. It slips and slides...I can't really hold onto it. It is warmed by the sun. Then it goes dark. My eyes flutter open, and before me, stands the tree that has provided me shelter for all these years. I look down at my dress, which is now a fairy-tinged green color, as if I'd been asleep for several years and moss had grown over me.

 

"Green," I think. What would green signify this time around? After the black, red, and white colors it had been? i sat up and my hair pooled into my lap, loose and wild like my life had been, wild like myself. I wrapped it around my hands, twirling in deep thought.

 

What choices am I making here, that change the color of my dress? What choices am I making that put me back into the wilderness I desperately long to escape? This is an easy question to answer on the surface.

 

Memories from the life I lead that parallel this one began to blur the lines between mysticism and reality. I sat at a desk once, and had a coworker come into my office to show me photos of her daughter and her grandchildren. I remarked that they were cute and then said, "Your daughter looks incredibly happy." Much to my dismay, the grandmotherly woman rubbed her hand down my back and said pitifully, "Don't worry, this will be you someday."

 

I lost touch with the memory and the earth began to rumble, forcing me to my feet. It shook violently, as if it were going to crack open and swallow me inside. It did crack open, but I did not fall inside. Instead, the splitting earth came to rest right before it reached my feet, and an opening was exposed. I never imagined in a million years what would be there when I reached inside.

 

A white envelope found its way into the palm of my hands. It felt sturdy, like a card. I opened it.

 

Enclosed was a card with another envelope. I opened the envelope to find a letter. It was another memory in the form of a letter.

 

5/2/2017

 

"I went to see my therapist. I don't think she knows how to comfort me anymore. She told me to find a way to be happy within myself, but what have I been doing for the last four years? I thought that was what I had been doing...holding onto the happy times for as long as I could and trying to learn and grow through the dark times. She's been married for over 40 years though, so while she may have had dark times in her marriage, she will never know the despair that loneliness can bring. She had said, 'You have to find a way to be happy within yourself.' And I shouted, 'I AM LONELY. It is easy to tell someone to do something about a need when you, yourself already have the need met. You have NO idea what this is like!' She won't tell me she can't help me. I know why. It is because this is something nobody can help me with. It just has to happen on its own or not at all. I lean towards not at all, at this point."

 

I reached for the card, hoping to blur the image of pain I can remember feeling. It was a pink card, like it was made for a valentine, but I looked at the cover: I Love You. I wondered what this could be after the last note I found. Inside, I read: The day I saw you on the peer was the best day of my life. I wish I could relive it over and over again. You still take my breath away. I realize that I was lucky enough to relive that day over and over again...because you chose me. You choose me. Every day.

 

The date was smudged at the top of the card. And then sunlight turned grey turned to rain. I stood there wondering what the hell I was doing standing out in the middle of the wild when someone wrote this about me. I must have dreamed it. Or imagined it. Or hoped for it.

[bluefeather]

Hello there You seem to have written quite a bit, but I don't think we've met. If I catch up, maybe I can contribute? Maybe next year I do like what you wrote, though. Very poetic.