Lost In The Wild

[lgspot]

I laughed at this at first. I thought it was pretty funny. I'm not sure, however, what context this was meant to be in. Sarcastic? I don't know but it was a knee-slapper. I seriously laughed pretty hard but then I thought about it.

 

The thing is that this is basic, genuine kindness I haven't seen in years. As opposed to what? Him buying me a meal or two? I used to think it was kind to be fed. Now I realize how trivial it really is. Having my home secure is more meaningful to me than a meal I'll digest in an hour and have nothing to show for it at the end.

 

I don't know. It was different this time. And it's easier to get a better grasp of someone's character when they have to work with you on something.

 

I've sat in front of many men with a meal in front of me, taken walks, went bowling...where are they now? Spending money on something means nothing. Actions mean everything.

 

We will be having a standard date. Don't write that one off yet.

Wild,

Was meant both. A bit tongue-in-cheek, and as a compliment towards the guy. Kudos to you on a good experience with a new gentleman.

If a standard date goes as well as a proper flush, your luck is changing for the good!!!

Gotta be nice to have fully functioning facility after all this time.

Glad you got a bit of a chuckle. There is a whole world of plumbing jokes/innuendoes I could have tapped into....

Main point being, after all you've been through of late, this was a positive experience---meal or no meal....

[LostInTheWild]

Wild,

Was meant both. A bit tongue-in-cheek, and as a compliment towards the guy. Kudos to you on a good experience with a new gentleman.

If a standard date goes as well as a proper flush, your luck is changing for the good!!!

Gotta be nice to have fully functioning facility after all this time.

Glad you got a bit of a chuckle. There is a whole world of plumbing jokes/innuendoes I could have tapped into....

Main point being, after all you've been through of late, this was a positive experience---meal or no meal....

 

Lg, you are awesome. Thank you.

 

I'll keep you guys posted. Lmao.

[LostInTheWild]

I'm not sure where to start here but I guess I'll just get right into it.

 

Ah, the EMT...

 

This experience just makes me hate myself so much more because I'm so confused and I'm not really sure what is wrong with me. Is it because I'm not drinking? Is it because I'm not going out to bars? Is it because he's so much more responsible than I am because he has to be? Is it because his lifestyle may never mesh with mine? Am I really attracted to him enough on the most basic human level? Is the attraction strong enough to carry us to the next level? Is there a next level here? Should I sleep with him to see if a bond can actually emerge from this?

 

I'm not trying to force anything but I have a case here. An awesome guy...fits the mold and the personality I've been asking for deep down in my heart...he can communicate and articulate his feelings better than any man I've met...and he likes me a lot. I know that he would probably do just about anything for me within reason at this point. The problem is there is an imbalance here and he likes me more than I like him at this point. I'm not sure if he realizes this or not but the feelings he describes are ones of deep attraction and romantic infatuation and I'm just not that taken with him.

 

I'm not an affectionate person by nature which makes me feel I'd be a bad mom, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, he is affectionate and wants to be all kissy-kissy when I don't want that. Which is why I enjoyed eating out with him at a crappy diner due to his crazy schedule. I got to sit across from him and talk to him to really see who he was and I really like the guy. We are good friends already. I'm just not ready to have someone in my face kissing me all the time and acting disappointed when I don't want to at that moment. I guess I'm usually the aggressor so I'm not used to it.

 

I feel so broken because I want that so badly and I want to want him that same way but I just don't get overcome with longing with him. It's very different this time. I'm torn and I've never experienced this before. I keep waiting for the passion to overwhelm me and I'm worried I won't ever get the rush I want to feel that burns to a slow simmer over time. It isn't everything but nowadays it is so rare in my world I just want to feel primal.

 

I mean I have this sweet, attractive guy who wants me and I'm not sure about him. He hasn't done anything to warrant this so I keep holding on. I mean yeah I've only seen him three times but don't you just know? And I'm also not sure I'm ready to give up my dreams of moving around and seeing the world to accommodate a ready-made family. I haven't even gotten to the meat of anything such as if he even wants to get married again or have anymore children. It's way too soon to bring it up and it's way to soon after his divorce for him to even know that. Should I wait to find this out? And if he's against what I eventually want, well, there you go. I'd have to forget about what I want in order to be with him when I'd be giving up enough for this already.

 

I'm really just not ready to give up my freedom...Or am I? I've had a lot of fun, a lot of scares, and loads of the pain that comes with having an open lifestyle. Is this the stability I really need right now to ground myself and grow up? It's impossible to know. I struggle with this daily but then we start talking and I almost forget he has all this stuff going on.

 

Most of all, I just don't want to hurt him. He's way too sweet to put up with my crap. I don't want to string him along and then someone else shows up who can offer the future I crave. And what's more, I don't want to be so entwined that I can't break away if someone else showed up offering what I want. If that even makes any sense at all...

 

Also, I feel so hesitant at the idea of sleeping with him. I know it will make him like me more, and I'm scared it will make me like him less, or even worse, complicate everything even more! I'm wrestling with all these thoughts going through my head but I wonder if I slept with him and tried to form a stronger connection with him that way then these issues would have no relevance.

 

I don't know what will happen. But what I do love about him is that he is such a gentleman, kind, true,selfless, consistent, and tries to make me a priority as best as he can, even losing sleep over it. I feel so impossible. And I wonder if this is as good as I can get and if I should just settle and let what may just come. Or continue wandering around like a nomad, alone, nowhere and everywhere.

 

I wish there was a book of life somewhere so that I'd have my answers. I don't know what the right thing is to do in this situation. I will give it more time to see if that chemistry kicks in. Maybe it's just slow to arrive and I'm beating myself up over nothing.

[15Love]

Let us know if you're up for opinions. Otherwise, rootin' for you

[LostInTheWild]

Let us know if you're up for opinions. Otherwise, rootin' for you

 

Absolutely. Everyone is allowed to offer up some opinions/advice anytime! I know I'm kind of a douche bag when it's something I don't really want to "hear" but everyone has helped. Even just by reading.

 

But hold your horses and read the next post because I already ruined everything anyway! HAHAHA!

[LostInTheWild]

Okay, so I haven't been drinking much, except for the odd date with so-and-so here and there, so I've been mostly sober since I got fired.

 

"Click-click-click," the top of the bottle of vodka goes as I open it to settle in and write this piece of crap, hoping that by the end it still makes sense because it's going to be a long one. It's time to let my hair down and cry all over my keyboard. Wild times. This is how you party when the bar scene fades out.

 

Earlier today, I had planned everything around this much-needed moment in my life because I needed to write this out. I craved it. I've discovered something that will be a breakthrough in therapy. It might even be a breakthrough here, today, as I write it out.

 

Instead of laying in bed all day long, I decided to get up, get dressed, and get out into the world by going for a run, but not before stopping at the store for cigarettes and vodka. "I just need to forget," I told myself as I drove to the store, "I need a day where I just pass out drunk after I write." I made all my stops, came home, and ran, then walked, then ran through the rain, then walked when it stopped. I haven't left the house in a month like this since I stopped talking to my parents. My dad screamed at me for not wanting to give him a ride somewhere (I'm ungrateful for everything he's done for me), and after feeling like I was done being screamed at this final time, I left and haven't been back. And I haven't been out of the house either to exercise.

 

I have too much "stuff" going on in my head these days. Way too much stuff to deal with on my own anymore. I go to therapy, yes, but she is now the only person I really talk to about everything. I lost my friends. They're busy with their lives, all but one who still makes time for me and I visit with her. But she's too busy to listen to me with two kids. I never feel like I have a good old-fashioned "talk it out" session like I used to. Strangely, I'm okay with holding my heart close to my vest and not allowing anyone near.

 

So this is something I never really talk about even though I know it happened. I buried this deep, into the recesses of my mind which allows me some autonomy from feeling burdened by it to allow myself to live, barely. I laid in bed early this morning vetting things out in my head, "What is wrong with me? Abandonment issues? I've never been abandoned though..." And then I had the flashback...a real one like you would get with PTSD, fluttering through my mind in bits, clips, and pieces paced with the sound of a heartbeat...Me...approximately 4 or 5 years old clinging to my dad in a courthouse crying for him to hold me and not let me go...Mom, coming out of the doors in the courthouse, wanting to fight for her daughter that doesn't want her...The foster home, the little blond girl and her blond mother, the Disney movies, the dead, gutted deer, and eating deer meat...Trauma. Twenty-four years ago. I had forgotten about this.

 

So me and the EMT have been talking quite a bit. Usually with me getting frustrated and irritated that we talk so much. I was pushing him away. I connected with him deeply, but I couldn't manage to hold on to that connection without feeling frightened that someone wanted me so, and because I wasn't sure of him. Because I Wasn't sure I could accept him and his package, or that he may just decide to leave me.

 

He had offered many assurances that he was interested in me and would remain that way. He offered assurances that he wasn't interested in only sex, but that it was important to him, which it is to me as well. I had to see him again to know for sure if he was the one I wanted to spend my time with and I want to have sex with him so that would make me feel more connected to him.

 

So he took me out for breakfast after his shift on Saturday. His eyes have gold in them when his pupils dilate. Hmm...blue-gold... I didn't know that until I looked at him in a different light. With copper hair. And a beaming smile. He was wonderful, up until we got back to my house and he pet my dog that pees out of excitement. I kind of scolded him for it since he had known that to begin with, and cleaned it up. I was nervous because I knew I wanted to sleep with him. So I led him upstairs, and I did it. I wanted to feel a connection, I wanted to make it real in my mind. And I did. It was hot. It was wonderful.

 

Then he had to leave to pick up his kids, and I thought I would lay there and bask in my post-coital bliss. The first time I've had sex sober, truly sober without any hangover...in years. I realized as he entered me, that I had done this with my ex too. And the ex before my last. I was sober once when I gave myself to someone. I had just forgotten that, too. I forgot how wonderful it is to be close to someone and have a clear head. I had wondered in the middle of it if this was even real, had I had an orgasm, sober, with a man for the first time in over 2 years? It had been over 3 months since I had last had sex...I couldn't wait any longer. So I did it.

 

And then after, my cool, breezy exterior I've known for so long gave way beneath me and swallowed me whole. I can't remember the last time I went crazy and let the guy know about it. I'm used to wearing my shield of armor and I"m so embarrassed that it didn't hold up this time. So, unfortunately embarrassed. Casual sex was my part-time job, where I picked up work here and there. It was easy: have a drink...don't tell him...be perky...be alive because you know what he wants...But this time changed the game entirely and I found myself squirreling off little texts here and there, "Do you still like me? Are you still interested?" Every text I sent "sounded" crazy to me. I looked at my phone, shook my head, and thought, "Man, if this was my friend I'd slap her." Then I sent it anyway. Guffaw...

 

I was the joke this time. I figured out what it meant to be attached to someone after sex. No longer was I looking down at the cards I'd played, but rather chasing them in the breeze, blowing all over the place. One whiff of his profile singing, "I've been on at 10:31AM," left me scowling and wondering what the hell was going on. I finally, actually, LIKED someone and made the connection by talking and through sex...no alcohol involved. Does this mean I actually like the guy? I beg to differ, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I do.

 

He was just as attentive, just as kind, just as curious after it all. He didn't change—I did. I morphed into this monster holding grudges against all the others who only wanted me for one thing. And then we made plans for today and he got sick. I racked my brain for the latest and greatest excuses I've gotten from every G.I. and Joe out there but he stood out. He has kids...kids are gross...he works in a hospital part time...people are gross...he works in an ambulance, okay, people are gross. I tried telling myself that, but it made me so mad that he bailed last minute. I couldn't help but shoot my own foot and blow the steam towards him.

 

And that was where it was left, with me worrying, hurting because he didn't respond to my angry texts...With me trying to start over again in the same day. Hurting, but not. It's only been two weeks...

 

Then he woke up from his nap and apologized for leaving me hanging for he had fallen asleep. However, I''m tarting to get that chill...the scary one that blows all men away, crazy or not crazy...And I'm tired of it. So, so tired of feeling like I can't connect. I'm tired of worrying he will leave me. But then again, "he" always does. I'm way too closed off. Sex is the only way I can seem to break down these walls...

 

This is exhausting. Sigh...

Edited October 18, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

So I wake up to texts talking about breaking it off, from my end. And him trying to convince me otherwise. Now I'm doing the walk of shame, trying to apologize, trying to schedule a visit to see him. He keeps reassuring me there is no one else.

 

He's not "gone." I didn't scare him off but I did do some major damage. I don't think he's ever going to see me again after this...

 

Cheers...

[lgspot]

No plumbing jokes Lost. That's just too easy.

 

One step at a time. One day at a time.

Its all fixable. You haven't ruined anything.

Main point being, you made a connection and that's big at this time.

Sober sex after so long a time can jolt a girl. Enjoy that post-coital bliss.

Keep enjoying the sober sex (its addicting) and you'll have the EMT right where you want him.

[LostInTheWild]

No plumbing jokes Lost. That's just too easy.

 

One step at a time. One day at a time.

Its all fixable. You haven't ruined anything.

Main point being, you made a connection and that's big at this time.

Sober sex after so long a time can jolt a girl. Enjoy that post-coital bliss.

Keep enjoying the sober sex (its addicting) and you'll have the EMT right where you want him.

 

Haha. Why don't you come bearing jokes?

 

He keeps dodging questions of when we are going to get together next and all that. He's stepped back, WAY back and insists there is no one else and that I have nothing to worry about. I'm pissed at him and keep trying to get rid of him or do the most unattractive things. I don't understand how I made this snowball into what it is now but I'm pretty good at screwing everything up.

 

By him cancelling on Sunday and not rescheduling for today, (tomorrow I have the interview and he has his boys) shows me something else here. I'm not able to relax. This morning we talked and I basically kept asking about Monday (today) and all that. He's evasive. So I told him I give up trying then. End of story.

 

Also, to add, if this does ever recover or if he does pull through I might really have to consider he might be the guy who can handle my crazy and therefore it might actually go somewhere. However, I feel so tense and can't even sleep because of the anxiety. I'm not used to this at all.

 

I can't even get the opportunity to have sex now. Ghjbfghjgtyujsdrdf....

Edited October 19, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

He's supposed to be coming over at 3. I'll pack up my crazy box until then. Hopefully he comes through.

[lgspot]

Ah Yes... Afternoon sex

Anxiety wasted.... He likes your plumbing.....

[LostInTheWild]

Okay. I should probably not be writing about this but ah well. I'm going to.

 

So he arrived and I nearly pounced on him when I opened my door. Blue eyes and copper hair glistening in the sun...yeah...

 

My dog stole the joy from me though and ran out to greet him and piddle on the sidewalk. The way he looked at me with his half-smile...I felt ridiculous for throwing my tantrum. I just wanted him to hold me at that point and make everything all better. I felt calm as soon as he walked inside and held me. When he kissed me, all the annoyance I had felt before just vanished. He is so tall, towering over me while I reached up and hugged his neck, pulling him into me so I could breathe him in.

 

I had bought him a coffee and tried to hand it to him, but he quickly sat it down and pushed me against the wall and kissed me deeply with his hands all over my body. It felt right. I went with it. I took his hand and led him to my bedroom. His eyes were wild with desire and I felt so incredibly excited. I kept thinking, "Have I found my person?" Probably not. But time will tell.

 

He pinned me down on the bed and ravaged me. My thoughts were only filled with pleasure. I couldn't believe it was happening. I had wanted this so badly since the first time. I savored every moment, enjoying every touch, kissing him as many times as I could. We collapsed into a sweaty pile of bliss, exhausted, exhilarated. He reached over to hold me. I nuzzled up to him and kissed him again.

 

All these men I have had sex with...it was never about my enjoyment. I have forgotten what it was like to give and receive. I didn't feel the "edge" of being used. I felt worshipped. Like I was a person. I'm a person.

 

Then he started, "You are so amazing, LITW, and I don't want this to stop. It was alarming when you said those things because I don't ever want you to think I don't like you. Before we met, remember how we said we hoped the connection translated in person? Well it definitely does. When you look into my eyes, I just melt." And I responded, "I really do like you. Is it too soon to say that? I'm sorry I went crazy on you but I was so worried you didn't want to see me." He said, "I don't ever want you to worry. There is no one else. You have been so patient with me and I know I'm not always available and I don't respond quickly to your texts all the time, but there is no reason for you to worry. And no, it's not too soon." And he held me even tighter. "I really like you, LITW."

 

I felt so safe guys. So safe. Like my heart could rest and unfold and release all the tension that has been balled up inside. The agony went away. It brings tears to my eyes. No more crazy. It evaporated. However, you all know I don't buy into things so easily. It's difficult to get me to trust anything anymore and I want so badly to believe what he said, but it's too early. I can't let my guard down. But if this ends, I know it will end badly. I'm now crazy about him.

 

We went for another round, more passionate than before. More exciting. And the way he looks at me...the gold rings in his eyes, the deep blue ocean of lust, desire, passion and curiosity...I could stare into those eyes all day long.

 

After everything, he held me again, tighter than before and fell asleep. I stared out into the flickering light bouncing off the water. What will happen now? I felt afraid. I don't like making connections with people. People only know how to hurt you. And I'm not in a good place to feel pain. I can't tolerate it again.

 

He got up and rinsed off, preparing for his third shift job. He came out and said, "All of the nurses are going to take one look at me and wonder why I have this smile on my face. They're so intuitive." And I asked, "Because you got laid? Lol!" And he agreed. He looked peaceful, calm, and happy. We hugged and kissed until he had to leave. "I'll text you. But you need your sleep. You have a big day tomorrow." And he kissed me.

 

I don't feel like I got a crappy deal here this time. So I'm not freaking out. This hasn't happened in the two years I've been single. I mean yeah, I have been told by men that they like me, but there was always a hole in me...where I could never get the courage to confess my feelings. With him, it is different. I can do that. And he's not scared of me.

Edited October 19, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[15Love]

Ahhhhh!! So happy for you!!! You deserve this! Yay!!!

[LostInTheWild]

Ahhhhh!! So happy for you!!! You deserve this! Yay!!!

 

Thank you. I hope it works out. Do you or anyone else have any concerns here? Something I might not be able to see?

[lgspot]

Wild One,

Things appear to be progressing well.

Looks like both you and your dog like him so far....

Nice to hear he still has your plumbing fully functioning.

 

Good luck later today!

Carry that peaceful, calm, and happy "just got laid" feeling with you.

Interviewers are like nurses---intuitive. They can sense someone in a good place.... Can't hurt.

Good luck today.

[LostInTheWild]

The chilly morning air took hold of my lungs as I sat outside to smoke. I woke up to a cool head, but anxiety has crept in over the interview. I think I'm going to bomb it, but I might still surprise myself. I need this. I need this opportunity.

 

But something else has happened. As I was showering, that feeling overcame me again. That feeling of absence. And the air was once again, unfortunately, sucked out of the room. He's gone. At least, for now. But I do know it will be permanent at some point in the future, so I'll mourn him today. After my interview.

 

I want to cry. I want to, but he was a new breed. I'm glad for the experience and for what this has taught me. When he said he was interested, and that I shouldn't worry when he wasn't up to par with his contact, he was really telling me he has interest in someone else, and I should wait to see if that pans out for him. Essentially just stringing me along.

 

He has pulled away too much for me to believe otherwise. And those feelings I had, well, I should have trusted that. Today is an important day for me. And I haven't even heard from him. I've pulled back too, to give myself time to think over this. I will not text him first.

 

I still have hope that I'm wrong. Maybe he would defy all the odds I've stacked up against myself and reveal I don't know anything to be the truth about men. I truly want to believe this. But I can't.

 

I have a date on Thursday with someone new. But I'm not interested in it. I don't feel like doing this again. This is truly the last thing I need right now, but oh well. Even the small comfort I got yesterday that life is still worth it, was worth it to me.

 

Trust nothing. And believe it is all temporary. Because it is.

Edited October 20, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Well, I guess it's going to be one of those weeks. The kind where I'm posting hour-by-hour updates on the kinds of things that I have no control over.

 

I got in my car this morning, looked in the mirror, and told myself to be brave. "Be brave, you can do this. Be confident; it's your strength." I didn't believe it at the time. I looked into the park and remembered that this is just life. Things are the way they are for a reason, perhaps by the choices I've made, or because of fate. There's a tricky word; fate. This one, four-letter-word has so much weight attached to it. Fate...what does it mean to me? It means a choice was made, in any area, and that is how I got to where I am today. Looking back, there is a strong sense of permanence to it. Decisions and choices left in stone, inflexible. Seconds from when the choices were made turn into hours, turn into days, turn into months and years, but they are choices made; decisions that are concrete. Fate. I'm on my fated path because I choose my fate. It is not serendipitous, rather, it ebbs and flows. Good and bad. Holy and evil. I just don't know how I can stomp out the bad...and the evil.

 

Taking shallow breaths during the drive, I tuned into some music I haven't listened to in a long time. I tried so desperately to concentrate on the interview. "Think positive. Worry about the interview. Worry about your future. Compartmentalize your mind like a man would." I parked and studied some answers to interview questions, trying to forget my mind screaming at me, telling it to be quiet, trying to get in touch with my most precious survival mechanism—cut and run. Texts from my best friend encouraging me, texts from my new date, read, read, read. Take a deep breath. I decided I could just not go in, drive off, and hide. I shook my head, but no, this is my life.

 

I put on my suit jacket and high heels. I checked myself in the mirror. Then I clutched the steering wheel in my car. "Please, please, please don't be so anxious. You can do this. Cool, calm and collected. This is your life, your choice, your fate." A tear escaped and I wiped it away quickly. I grabbed my notebook and walked inside.

 

It is amazing how sometimes you still find the ability to surprise yourself when you think you know yourself so well. You think you'll ruin everything just by touching it—but no, I was on autopilot. Survival kicked in. Confidence surrounded me as soon as I walked in and all anxiety faded. I need you to hire me; here's why...And I sold it. I made her laugh, she made me laugh. We were honest and frank...Yeah, I got fired but my previous job taught me how to do the job YOU NEED done (not in those exact words)...Ask them...I smiled, laughed and became the person I thought I should be during the interview. It was short. I went on a tour. I will know if they want a second interview by Thursday. Handshaking and out the door I went. POOF! It was over. And I couldn't even imagine they'd call me back, unfortunately. I had gotten excited when something good like this happened before, and it was shattered. I was led on. But rejection doesn't hurt when it comes to business—it is what it is. I'm very used to it.

 

I walked back out to my car and let the mind **** take over. I texted my friend to let her know it went well and that I'll know something on Thursday. I told the new date guy that I had the interview and he seems to have lost all interest in me now (yeah...that unemployed stigma...). Oy vey. I feel sharp again though. Talking about my industry, talking about sure things made me feel good. "Yeah, I can do that. Purchasing? No problem. Inventory? Excellent." The stability was intoxicating. This, I know. This, I am sure of. This, I know I can do...effortlessly. It is the only tangible thing left of me: knowledge. I know this. I know it. I know. Everything else, I fail at miserably.

 

I'm not sure what else I can say anymore. I write and write but nothing even makes sense to me. I'm not sane anymore. Hell, I should have bought 10 cats when I had the money. I'm a psychotic, angry woman collecting heads and taking names. Friends, family, lovers—I'm angry at them all. I'm mad at my friends for not being my friends. I'm mad at my family because they're dysfunctional and so am I. I'm mad at my lovers because they never stick around quite long enough to see who I see, but I don't even know who the blurry image is of anymore when I get out of the shower. An engineer? A soldier? A volunteer? An alcoholic?

 

Before I was Lost In The Wild, I was someone, guys. I was someone. A little crazy, a little sane, a little edgy, a bit happy. Life made sense. It was easy. I knew what to expect until I didn't. I knew I would wake up, go to school, hang out with friends, and be young. I knew that. I knew I had dreams. I knew I had hopes. I knew I had a stable job. I knew I had love. And then I didn't. And it changed me. Here I am in therapy trying to "fix" this issue I think I have but I don't even know what it is anymore. I originally started therapy because of my ex, and my family, and because I was cutting a box open at work and cut myself instead badly (and who cared?). That was when I realized how ****ed up I was. And ever since then, yeah I've grown and mellowed out but I always kept wondering, "What does it feel like to be happy? What does it feel like to be fulfilled? What does happiness really mean?" And I've talked and talked and talked but to no avail. All I do know is staring off into the sunset and over and beyond the bridges, admiring nature when I feel like it these days, is all the happiness I get now. Knowing someone had a baby, someone is getting married, someone is successful elsewhere...well, that's my life. That is what my happiness goes into these days. "Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. You'll do so well. I know it." The forever stepping stone of encouragement into someone else's life.

 

The funny thing is, tomorrow I will probably be fine. I'll stretch out in my bed, veg out, watch some shows, apply for some jobs, and forget...until I have a moment where I wonder if it was all real. Then I'll convince myself it wasn't. Then I'll lay in my chair on the sun porch and stare out through the blinds...thinking about, not much...how the sun looks on the roofs of other homes, warm homes, happy homes...the children I can hear laughing and playing in the park (the good old days)...and here I am not living...a life not lived well enough. Oh well.

 

This is how I feel. My worth is deteriorating and I'm looking to men for comfort. It is not their jobs to make me happy. It's also not their jobs to hurt me either, knowingly. But they do. And up until about 4PM I hadn't heard from the EMT. I know if I text him back it will be short and sweet and to the point. No more long conversations like we used to enjoy. No more thinking of what will happen together. It feels like he is now absent from my life. I've been working so hard not to text him all day. Trying to remember what I was doing before I signed up for online dating. Trying to remember my "happy" place. Trying to fight my way out of the pain I felt just two days ago. And this morning. He was awake. He would have wished me luck before. Today he didn't. But he is wondering how it went.

 

I hate this being in limbo. Not for a job. Not for my house. Not for a man. Ever. I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT.

[LostInTheWild]

So, hour-by-hour I do keep receiving texts from him. I did tell him I miss him, but it's tense and uncertain. He keeps asking about my day when there is really nothing much to it. I went to the interview, came home, and wrote while I drank. I don't get it. What I do get is my essential need to clean him out of my house. Washing sheets, washing cups, vacuuming everything—one thing I do know that makes me feel better—how to get over a player 101...clean house. I'm working on that right now.

 

The texts are short and sweet, like I predicted they would be. I think it is only sex that he wants now, which is why he is stringing me along, despite his busy schedule. He needs to make time for someone else, which I'm sure he found, and then if she realizes he's a piece of **** before I do, he will come crawling back to me (full-time). I feel stupid and I feel used. I'm never having sex again—I've packed everything pertaining to sex up. It's gone. It's no longer a desire of mine. At least that's how I feel right now.

 

I do all I can to make myself feel better...get rid of this...he touched that so clean it...throw this away, and this, and this. Luckily most of everything I threw away has been outside in the garbage, like my ex's things, like the European's things, like the Teacher's things...They touched it, if I can throw it away then it's gone.

 

Coping. This is what my thread is here for, right? COPING. I have not been out of coping for over two years after a three-year relationship. Although my affections for my ex spanned a decade, and his affections mistakenly spanned a decade of following his penis. In that decade, I found love elsewhere, but I didn't know what to do with it. It was real.

 

My previous ex, let's call him Spawn, was a wonderful man who would have done anything for me. Anything. We loved each other before I had fallen in love with sex. He nurtured me into trying all types of drugs, actually. He was the nerd-game type of guy who was constantly living in a video game and when I turned 21, the life that had been kept from me finally emerged, and we fell apart. Looking back on everything, I can't believe he made me a druggie, but I was temporarily rendered into this unconscious state of being happy and being drugged up. Then when I lost my job, we finished our lease, and moved in with my parents where he felt extremely uncomfortable. I went out more and more and realized I loved him less and less. We weren't compatible.

 

Since then I've been searching, and I want to share this with everyone today because it's important to my progress and vital to my story. For one, I am an *******. I'm not joking, or lying or stretching the truth. It is what it is. And it is real. Second, I had an abusive childhood. Very. I don't remember anything of my childhood except negative things. I often wonder if I were born into a good family, what would that be like? To not be hit, yelled at, or talked down to? I will never know.

 

I explored all of these issues with my therapist. I told her about the flashback, the abuse, the girlfriend my dad kept around in front of me and my mother. Towards the end I asked her, "What is it about my past that keeps me in these situations?" And the most profound answer ever: "Well, nobody is going to stick around after they keep getting punched in the gut." And yes, eureka...this is the answer. I know it now. It clicked. I always push men away, in some form or another by doing the most unattractive things. The long-term men will stick around for a bit and then realize their worth and vanish or I'll choose broken men for this role, subconsciously.

 

The best thing about this is that I'm not going crazy anymore. I understand what I've been doing wrong now. Oh my god...I understand now. It's so weird to recognize a certain part of yourself from childhood that you might not remember is carried over into adulthood. And I could never draw any correlations there. There was never a sign until I met the EMT. I just thought I was permanently ****ed, a boozing alcoholic who knew how to have casual sex and never make that much-needed connection. I don't know. I could be wrong, as always.

 

I so desperately want someone to love me. But at what cost? What does it cost, LS? What must I give up? How must I become vulnerable, open and warm? How? I try so hard...the EMT brought me down back to earth. 1...2...3...resuscitated. He has helped me shape and mold myself into a person who feels again and it hurts it won't be with him. Somehow I tell myself this, somehow I believe this so deeply...could I be wrong? For once?

 

Please let the crazy pass through me and up into the sky where it evaporates. Where is my cool, calm, and collected half that beats the fire down into the dirty water at my feet? Someone rescue me from this shell, this pain, this emptiness...

 

While I still believe in magic, it might not be true. And of course I'd come up to meet you, apologize, and tell you how lovely you are...Tell me your secrets...

 

I'm not convinced.

[15Love]

Oh LITW, you're going to make your fears come true. Stop pushing him to walk away.

 

Have you been able to speak to your therapist about your reaction to the emt?

[LostInTheWild]

Oh LITW, you're going to make your fears come true. Stop pushing him to walk away.

 

Have you been able to speak to your therapist about your reaction to the emt?

 

Oh, yeah. We talked about that all right. 15, he will not last. He's a sex object at this point. Or he sees me as one. I mean she wanted nothing more than to be hopeful but his texting is too weak, as I've decided.

 

She initially wanted me to try to discuss this with him but there is nothing to discuss after we've had the chance.

 

Trust me, he's texting now, but he thinks he's being a good man by making me not blow my brains out (every man I've had over here is terrified of my gun sitting on my dresser). That's it.

 

And he's taking care of his babies like he should. He would have been a good catch, but this is how it ends. I'm so sorry, for my readers, and for myself. I feel so empty. I would have fallen in love, but better I snap out of it now than later. I so very much would love to write a love story (that was my goal, and now it's been two years...everyone moved on except for me). The truth is, at 28 years of age, it doesn't exist in my world (actually, I did journal on a prison forum).

 

15, I will always struggle with this. This is proof. I don't ever foresee any man surviving my struggles as much as I want him to, especially if he has young children. He will be looking for the soft, youthful type, which I am not at all. I am harsh, abrasive, and swear too much.

 

Again, it hurts me more, but I'm so used to this I can do this all night with a straight face. I'm so ****ing tired I could puke. Trust that. It might be the only real piece of evidence I have that he even existed.

 

**Guys...I want love more than anything. It just doesn't seem to want me. I've discussed my issues with my therapist, but this was the first time in a year she's heard of the foster home, so maybe next year will be better despite my 29th birthday.**

 

If anyone thinks this will go anywhere, let's get yay's and nay's going...I say nay...Nothing hurts more.

Edited October 21, 2015 by LostInTheWild

[BrokenManAgain]

A puppy.

 

The dog will love you unconditionally no matter what. You will be the dog's whole life. The dog will depend on you, give you all the love the dog can give. In return, just a scratch behind the ears and a whole lot of exercise to keep you both healthy for long years ahead.

 

I will advised you that you will hurt a hell of alot more when the dog leaves your life.

[Ellie35]

If anyone thinks this will go anywhere, let's get yay's and nay's going...I say nay...Nothing hurts more.

 

How can anyone ever guarantee anything is going anywhere. All that's happening is you met a man , your having great sex(jealous lol) and he continues to text you!! Is it just sex, who knows!!

 

Unfortunately, there is no guarantees with relationships that's why this forum exists! We take risks , we get hurt! We get anxiety, we get emotional, we project these feelings onto men or women and expect them to deal with it when they most likely have there own **** to deal with so often it becomes overwhelming for them!!!

 

Get a dog, focus on you , give yourself a year off men and relationships. Go out with friends for fun times. Forget men, get a vibrator!!

 

And fall in love with yourself. Not one of these men will fill that hole inside you or when they do it's only temporary! You have to fix your own broken wings. Have a year of loving lost in the wild!!! Xxxx

[LostInTheWild]

Okay I'm running out of steam here. Just needed to slosh some things around my thread, but I wanted to comment.

 

I already have a beautiful, poop-filled dog. She is wonderful. She cuddles. I've had her for three years. Lol. She is my companion.

 

A break from dating, well, I've taken that already. From what I see now, it's only made me weaker. I can't read the signs I thought I could anymore. My tough exterior is melting away. And people with far more issues seem to find people who love them anyway, so why should I wait? I'm just doing myself a disservice and wasting life if I don't try.

 

This is my place to freak out and sort out random thoughts. I posted so much over the past couple of days because I need to. I don't want to call people crying about it. I don't want to bother anyone with it. I wish I was stronger. Sorry guys, some of this is tough to read. I can barely read it. It's embarrassing.

 

But I like what you said about projection, Ellie. It happens so often. Usually I do buck, kick, and push people away. This has been an eye-opening experience and I'm really grateful I got to experience this because it has set the tone for therapy. A breakthrough, if you will, after almost a year and a half. Now she promised there is a solution here for me. We know what my problem is. I can progress further and delve deeper into my psyche. My therapist said the cure for this will come when I can have compassion for the little girl that witnessed the things no little girl should ever see. I'm so separated from "her" that I forget she even existed. I had a bad childhood. It's made me a dysfunctional adult.

 

If I sat at home waiting around for a job to come along, this wouldn't have happened. Now I can heal. I'm excited for this. Really. But at the same time, I lost my **** over this guy, drank myself into a coma, and am trying not to buck and kick and scream now.

 

Anyway, yeah nobody can predict anything and I'm glad the sexcapades are interesting to read, lol. I already have sex toys lmao.

 

I still say nay, lol. But I'm feeling better this morning. I gave myself a day to freak out, flip out, and grieve. I'm straight now.

[15Love]

I don't want to throw you for a loop but unless you're leaving out major stuff...I'm not getting the same vibe that he's not into it!

 

I do think your freak out might scare anyone, but that may just have to be a learning experience if it did scare him.

 

I have to be honest and say yay from where I stand, admittedly with limited info.

 

Do you want to include his seemingly weak texts? Maybe we can give better advice? Not that your looking for it...but I just don't see how he seems uninterested! I'm just not seeing It! I think you're too close to the forest!

[LostInTheWild]

The day I've been waiting for has arrived.

 

Today. D-day.

 

For two reasons:

 

1. The much needed phone call. The, "We would like to have you back in for a second interview," phone call. That's right. Monday afternoon I meet the owner of the company. He will interview me and we will go from there. My life can change again. I can mold it. The barely palpable grip I have on reality can be solidified. Finally. If I can do this. If I can get this.

 

"Please hire me," I whispered to myself in the hallway after accepting the interview and getting off the phone. My head spun. I mean, I can do this. He just has to like me and I'm in. I'm at the golden gate here. Let me in! I can't stand moping around here any longer. I'm going to tear my hair out and start scratching at invisible fleas on my skin while sucking down cans of wet cat food.

 

If I get this job, I'm going to make my life count again. I'm going to change everything. I'll probably even move just to change my scenery and start fresh. I don't know. I'll do something. I'll be able to afford the gym, travel, just about everything I need hopefully. It won't pay as well as my last job, but I can always keep looking.

 

This just makes me happy and I feel relieved in a way. I feel like I can do something right again. Hopefully they'll see that too.

 

 

2. The EMT. He worked today. He sent me a "good morning" text and then sporadically texted me throughout the day. Two-word text messages. Nothing of substance. Then, I stopped replying. It seems when I piss around getting back to him he notices that. He doesn't really answer my questions to him. And he's told me before he's able to text while working. Guys, this isn't a good sign.

 

So, then I get, "Will you sit on my face?" I, of course, say of course. We do have a sexual relationship now. But really? Then he never responds. So I ask, "Are you okay?" Haven't heard a peep. I won't indulge in sex talk anymore and I have decided to pull the fade out, like he is apparently doing.

 

He's a dick. End of story.