Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

In a dark room with four black walls, I learn to be quiet.

 

It's time to be silent.

 

No talking. No texting. No thoughts.

 

There's not much to add or subtract.

 

There is square one, ground zero, and false starts with false endings.

 

I am therefore I am, not I am therefore I speak.

 

Silence...

 

Deafening silence.

 

Shhh...

[bluefeather]

....

[LostInTheWild]

Hello there You seem to have written quite a bit, but I don't think we've met. If I catch up, maybe I can contribute? Maybe next year I do like what you wrote, though. Very poetic.

 

Hmm I missed this last night.

 

Do you lurk in coping? If not, then of course we haven't met. Welcome to my playground.

 

I guess I want to escape so I don't have to wonder what tomorrow will bring. I'll know. And this dress is getting really uncomfortable to wear all the time, standing around in the woods.

[bluefeather]

Do you lurk in coping? If not, then of course we haven't met. Welcome to my playground.

 

I mostly look through threads with new posts, and usually only read what I see on the first page, so I can miss a lot. Thank you for the welcome

 

I guess I want to escape so I don't have to wonder what tomorrow will bring. I'll know. And this dress is getting really uncomfortable to wear all the time, standing around in the woods.

 

Have you considered cutting it to make a skirt? It would probably take a lot of weight off of your movement. Otherwise, maybe try to tie it so that it's not dragging along the ground.

 

Good luck out there.

[LostInTheWild]

I mostly look through threads with new posts, and usually only read what I see on the first page, so I can miss a lot. Thank you for the welcome

 

 

 

Have you considered cutting it to make a skirt? It would probably take a lot of weight off of your movement. Otherwise, maybe try to tie it so that it's not dragging along the ground.

 

Good luck out there.

 

OMG haha. I never actually considered that. Maybe I'll find a tool somewhere out here to cut the length off.

 

When I write the lost posts, I don't usually think of incorporating tools to help me escape, because it's very metaphorical. The point is, I won't escape. I write posts like this so I don't actually have to tell the real story. I can hide things in there. I also write them when I feel like trying to be creative, or I'm bored, or I drank a bit.

 

Weird, right?

 

And you're welcome for the welcome. If you ever feel like burying something in my thread, feel free. I love art and expression, so I'd be happy to have a tandem poster lol.

 

Does anyone actually read this anymore? It's so long and drawn out, I wonder. Still waiting for a happy ending. (i.e. Moving away, falling in love, having a shiny new life).

 

Cheers!

[bluefeather]

OMG haha. I never actually considered that. Maybe I'll find a tool somewhere out here to cut the length off.

 

When I write the lost posts, I don't usually think of incorporating tools to help me escape, because it's very metaphorical. The point is, I won't escape. I write posts like this so I don't actually have to tell the real story. I can hide things in there. I also write them when I feel like trying to be creative, or I'm bored, or I drank a bit.

 

Weird, right?

 

And you're welcome for the welcome. If you ever feel like burying something in my thread, feel free. I love art and expression, so I'd be happy to have a tandem poster lol.

 

Does anyone actually read this anymore? It's so long and drawn out, I wonder. Still waiting for a happy ending. (i.e. Moving away, falling in love, having a shiny new life).

 

Cheers!

 

 

Maybe try it? That's what I would do if cloth was bothering me.. and if I wore dresses.. which I don't!

 

I can understand what you're saying by metaphorical writing. I like it because I also see things in similar ways sometimes. So I imagined if your long dress was becoming uncomfortable, maybe cutting it off would be like letting go of a burden? I don't think it's weird at all. Maybe I will chime in some time if I feel so *inspired,* for lack of a better word - I am a bit.. methodical, though, and may feel the need to catch up with your thread, at least somewhat, before doing so, which is why I suggested that maybe in a year I might (same thread since 2013 is quite a feat!).

 

I bet people do read it, still. After all, I, as a newbie to your world, stumbled upon it just now!

 

I hope you find your happy ending

[LostInTheWild]

Everyday is a struggle. The mornings I have to get up for work are becoming harsh. I either wake up from a nightmare, or startle awake due to the sun creeping in my window, confusing me. I wonder what time it is. I get up to check my clock, heart racing from the nightmares or the sheer terror of being late for work.

 

The nightmares have me waking to my fists around handfuls of blankets, fighting off whatever attack I was facing. Or, nearly screaming as someone gets shot sitting next to me. The fear is real. The sweat is real. The screaming is real. The dreams are not.

 

The anger manifesting in my mind bleeds through into my day. I get asked about my attitude. I have no answers. I mean, what do I tell people? Life isn't what I thought it would be.

 

It's the nature of the beast. This is the hand I was dealt. Every moment is the moment I've been waiting for. It is what it is. I don't need a hand to hold. Life has a death grip on my arm already. I'm not getting out alive. I am held here, by it. By something. By myself.

 

I stare at my phone. The screen is black. I press the button to check the lock screen. My dog lovingly looks up at me from it, the moment permanently etched into the circuit boards of my device.

 

I wonder and I wonder. Where are my friends? Where is my lover? Where is my life?

 

All day.

 

This is the way things are. Again and again and again. A cyclical 4 years of my life I can't handle anymore. I can't wish anymore. I can't hope anymore. I can't love anymore. I can't love life.

[DontBreakEven]

I read these.

 

And I'm hoping for your happy ending too as I'm right there with you, in the cyclical 2 years of my life so far. And no end to this pain in sight.

 

It doesn't make much sense to me either. I'm pretty, successful, intelligent, funny. I just can't seem to find my people ... my person.

[LostInTheWild]

I read these.

 

And I'm hoping for your happy ending too as I'm right there with you, in the cyclical 2 years of my life so far. And no end to this pain in sight.

 

It doesn't make much sense to me either. I'm pretty, successful, intelligent, funny. I just can't seem to find my people ... my person.

 

I wish I could say something to make it better for you. My friend who is divorcing probably is sick of listening to me. It's nice to come on here to chat or write something these days.

 

Like you said though, maybe it's something we do, or the choices we make. I'm sure this won't last as long for you as it has for me. That's my new spiel. "Hey, it hasn't happened for me but I've got enough left in me to give you something to look forward to." Hehe I'm kidding, of course.

 

Really, just keep looking forward. Savor every experience you're given. Respect your mind enough to know when to move on to better things.

[LostInTheWild]

This morning was interesting. Many people needed many things as soon as I walked in the door to my 8-9 hour workday. My steely resolve to move paperwork across my desk and into the cursed filing cabinet became my mission.

 

At 4:30PM, my mission was somewhat accomplished enough for me to be able to see my desk again, so I could clean it, move objects around, and appear to be the presentable employee again. The employee who isn't buried in work. The employee who says they can handle more. The employee who who has their **** together, personally and professionally.

 

Tomorrow I'll finish the job.

 

Thursday will be a day for cleaning out my email. Friday will be a day I spend looking out the window, hoping to see the lurking deer nearby.

 

If my attitude doesn't get me fired, I'll be promoted within the next six months. Those of you who've been following for long periods of time may know that I want to be a buyer. A buyer, I shall be. If I stay.

 

I've been contemplating asking my boss if I could work remotely once I begin this endeavor; I already purchase now, but the promotion will mean I get the title. The title means I get the experience. The experience means I can leave. Buyers are wanted. Good ones are, anyway. I'm getting great at speaking my mind. I'm great at feigning frustration. I'm brilliant at weeding out vendors my boss doesn't want to let go of (this creates more work and drama for us all).

 

Back to the remote experience. If...if I could grab the opportunity. Seize it. Convince him I can do this from home. If I can do that, I can get a plane ticket the next day, the next hour, the last minute, and take off. And I'd never stop.

 

I look around and understand there is nothing for me here. Only my 30's lie ahead. I have to move. I have to get out. Or else.

 

I'm not sure there's anything else I can do to survive here. There is no water. There is no food. There exists only fleeting moments of happiness I can never harvest here because the lands are plagued. There's more out there. I just have to seek it.

 

A perfect day would mean waking up in a hotel room with a culture outside I don't understand, bustling below my window. I hook up to the wifi. I reach out to my home country at an off hour I'm still adjusting to. I work. I order. I negotiate. While I get ready to go out into a new city. To drink. To shop. To dance. To find the freedom I never felt at home.

 

New food. New friends. New languages. New. Every 3 months. Something new.

 

Until I choose to come home.

[LostInTheWild]

At the start of a new decade, all I can think about is how I've failed. I've wished so many times with enough energy to turn the earth three times over my lifespan, never being brave enough to use the energy for anything else.

 

My life will forever have endless faces etched into the years. None will be permanent. It wasn't meant to be so. I've wasted a lot of time wishing that wasn't the case. Someone would stay. Someone would love me. Once upon a time, in fantasy land, I believed that. Time has proven me wrong. Wishing and wanting and yearning have gotten me right where I am today; at the beginning of the journey.

 

The man who started it all will forever be 27 the day he left. He will forever be there, in my past, being the person I once knew. His skin glowing, age not quite grabbing at him, tall and strong.

 

Somehow, that day, I never could stand up again. I sat on our couch and couldn't get up. My spirit waits there, hoping the present isn't true. But she knows it is and sinks further into denial.

 

I feel flighty again. I look into the mountains, at the greenery, and feel the sun on my skin as I drive to work everyday. I know. I know that either I'm living a life that doesn't want me, or I'm not living where I'm supposed to be. One of these two fates will claim me. I'm leaning towards purchasing a plane ticket and taking off. It is time to leave again. But how?

 

I can't do this for another four years. I can't wake up and go to work just to be there. To pretend I'm doing something with my life. To fit into a place I'm not interested in. To pretend just to pretend.

 

Three long decades of waiting to live my life. I have one more opportunity to change this. I'm going to seek it out.

 

Because I still have nothing to lose.

[LostInTheWild]

So cold, I know you can't believe it.

Sometimes you've gotta face the feeling.

When you don't care if you get up again.

There's a thousand things I will not understand.

 

Now you're dealing with the hell I put you through.

If I had my way I would be right there next to you.

 

There's certain things in life you cannot change,

There's certain things...

 

I hope you know I care.

 

I've been alone too many nights.

Too proud to tell you when you're right.

A little patience would have helped me then.

Lot like the brake has been the common standard.

All the angels above the earth I prayed.

Sent this message right into her head.

 

There's certain things in life I cannot take,

And I will wait...

 

I hope you know I care.

 

I hope you know I care.

 

I hope you know I care...

 

So cold, I know you can't believe it.

Sometimes you've gotta face the feeling.

And you don't care if you get up again.

There's a thousand things I will not understand.

 

Now you're dealing with the hell I put you through.

If I had my way I would be right there next to you.

 

There's certain things in life you cannot change.

There's certain things...

 

I hope you know I care...

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday to me.

Edited May 18, 2017 by LostInTheWild

[divegrl]

Happy birthday my friend!

 

I hope things start looking up for you.....

[LostInTheWild]

Happy birthday my friend!

 

I hope things start looking up for you.....

 

Thank you! I appreciate you stopping by to say hello!

 

If I had a dollar for every post that said that haha...

[penelopeanne]

happy birthday! thanks for writing and sharing, i read through your posts the other night and i like the way you express yourself.

[LostInTheWild]

I look at the two blooming roses I've placed in a glass of water. I'm angry with them because they bloom and my life doesn't. They're going into the trash. All my best intentions will follow them into the landfill. They will shrivel and die, just like me. In a heap of garbage. But not here; I will not allow them to die here. I don't want to be reminded of another false start.

 

The dinner was wonderful, the dancing was better, the makeout session, delectable. I met him two months ago. And he's too young to understand why after I threw him out of my life the first time, the reason why if we make plans I ask him if he's going to cancel. He's finally angry enough to not follow through. I'm angry enough to blame the flowers.

 

Just like I don't get second chances, nobody else ever will. There is a reason the past is the past. I needed a reminder. I got it.

 

No more dating for me. I don't want to blame beautiful roses when things fall apart. I don't need another reason to be upset. I don't want my life to be a revolving door for people to use.

 

I have nothing left to say. This is where I leave LS. All hope is lost.

[penelopeanne]

I look at the two blooming roses I've placed in a glass of water. I'm angry with them because they bloom and my life doesn't. They're going into the trash. All my best intentions will follow them into the landfill. They will shrivel and die, just like me. In a heap of garbage. But not here; I will not allow them to die here. I don't want to be reminded of another false start.

 

The dinner was wonderful, the dancing was better, the makeout session, delectable. I met him two months ago. And he's too young to understand why after I threw him out of my life the first time, the reason why if we make plans I ask him if he's going to cancel. He's finally angry enough to not follow through. I'm angry enough to blame the flowers.

 

Just like I don't get second chances, nobody else ever will. There is a reason the past is the past. I needed a reminder. I got it.

 

No more dating for me. I don't want to blame beautiful roses when things fall apart. I don't need another reason to be upset. I don't want my life to be a revolving door for people to use.

 

I have nothing left to say. This is where I leave LS. All hope is lost.

 

don't leave! keep writing.

[divegrl]

My friend...... I'm so sorry.

 

I know how this feels, to not have hope. Looking back at some of my posts..... when I wrote, " I feel empty", " I feel nothing".

 

I know it's hard. But plz know you are not alone. Dating, after your heart has been broken, is so very hard. I know for me I walk this fine line between wanting to trust/love and wanting to hide in fear/pain.

 

You are such a beautiful writer and person. Your story is not over.

 

Hugs my friend!

[LostInTheWild]

Did you ever want it?

Did you want it bad?

Ohhh, my

It tears me apart

Did you ever fight it?

All of the pain, so much power

Running through my veins

Bleeding, I'm bleeding

My cold little heart

Oh I, I can't stand myself

 

And I know

In my heart, in this cold heart

I can live or I can die

I believe if I just try

You believe in you and I

In you and I

In you and I

In you and I

 

Did you ever notice?

I've been ashamed

All my life

I've been playing games

We can try to hide it

It's all the same

I've been losing you

One day at a time

Bleeding, I'm bleeding

My cold little heart

Oh I, I can't stand myself

 

And I know

In my heart, in this cold heart

I can live or I can die

I believe if I just try

You believe in you and I

In my heart, in this cold heart

I can live or I can die

I believe if I just try

You believe in you and I

In you and I

In you and I

In you and I

In you and I

In you and I

In you and I

In you and I

 

Maybe this time I can be strong

But since I know who I am

I'm probably wrong

Maybe this time I can go far

But thinking about where I've been

Ain't helping me start

[LostInTheWild]

And life keeps peddling on, even when I ask it to slow down, hold on, I'm not ready yet. It just goes. A constant pace. It waits for no one. Right now life is pretty mellow.

 

I like it this way.

 

I don't really want anyone to come into my life right now because they never stay. I just don't see the point anymore, and, well it's kind of sticking this time. I've run out of energy to give men and could give two ****s what they think. Also, I don't understand why men come back...I still don't get it. I never will. And I don't get why nobody stays, at least for more than a few weeks. I'll never understand that either. I could go on about this topic, but it's just not worth the energy.

 

I went on my business trip last week, which was okay, but the two nubs I was sent with only wanted to eat and didn't want to see anything. That was really annoying and at one point, I was raging pissed at them, but oh well. I should be used to not expecting much by now. You live and you learn.

 

When I got back, my car had a huge surprise for me! You read that right! I yelled back at my coworkers who dropped me off at my car (we had one rental which one guy drove the whole time because it was in his name), "YES! FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE!!!" I hopped in my car and the bitch wouldn't start. I pushed the clutch, gas, and turned the key at the same time and it finally started. It was $1,200.00 to repair the sensors that control the engine. I need a new car.

 

I'm trained to be a buyer now. My dream job is finally here. I like it, but I want more. It's not what I thought it would be.

 

My desk is finally cleaned off. It's a blank slate. Where can I go now?

 

I've started working out again. I want to get my legs and bum into shape. I don't really want to lose weight, but I guess it comes with the territory. I guess I can kiss my boobs goodbye. They usually go away first before I notice any changes elsewhere. Sigh...

 

Strangely, I've never felt more beautiful. There is nobody here to tell me so, but I feel like I am. And it doesn't matter. Nothing does.

 

I forecast the rest of the year to be this way. A few more ****ty trips where some individual has an unsolicited impact on them. Nights staring at the ceiling. Mornings being late for work because I couldn't sleep. Advancing, pushing, growing in my career, but not much elsewhere. I forecast a lot of shopping, a growing addiction I've recently been able to temper. Lots of coffee, more vegetables, tons of wondering about the future, if there is one.

 

Before long, the leaves will be dead on the trees. I'll need a jacket to go outside. Then it will snow. And my car will take another **** on me, probably after I give someone on the street the finger and try to get away before they catch up to me.

 

Perfect timing.

[bluefeather]

How now, brown cow?

I may never catch up to your neck of the woods, but this reminds me that there are still "ones" out there somewhere with a certain glimmer of bitter self-reliance. It's nostalgic while it's new, and that is pleasing to the mind.

Take care. Hopefully, that is the only thing wrong with your car.

[LostInTheWild]

I grew up playing with toys alone, asking my mom to play with me and once in a blue moon, she begrudgingly would. Most times, though, I was shooed away. Make no mistake, though, if I made any friends at school, she'd tell me they were no good for me and sever the contact. After I got screamed at by my dad, who do you think I went to in order to cry? After I received a vicious beating? The person who didn't want to play with me. Mom. I depended on myself. I cried to myself. I held it in. I coped. I'm fine now. Really.

 

I remember being single and an adult for the very first time in my life...with my own place, my own bills, my own assets to tend to. I lost an income. Some married people only ever experience this later in life. Some single people know how to manage their ****. Some people in relationships tilt their heads and nod while you talk, clearly misunderstanding what it's like. I still made it work.

 

Even a menial task, like digging a car out of two feet of snow seems impossible, and I resented it, but then I realized I could. And so I did.

 

I remember the date rape incident. I dealt with the head-nods and quiet pauses from my inner circle and they didn't know what to say. I chalked it up to being a stupid person, and I was. I still think so. Who would really have been so interested in me anyway? But I moved on.

 

Hope after hope, loving feelings, passionate moments I dreamed would turn into semi-permanent relationships and tear after tear I cried until there was nothing left — I can't remember the last time I cried like my life depended on it, over a man. I deal with it. They come and they go. And boy, do most of them lie. I received one apology recently. It meant a lot to me. But I've learned it's best to never go back and for the most part, I listen to my intuition.

 

I lost everything. One bad career choice left me homeless. I'm lucky though. I had a friend and I have my parents. But it was ME who had to do all the work to get where I am today, which isn't much further from where I was, but it's something. It gives me something to bitch about.

 

I wake up everyday to a life I never imagined and even get to work with Disney indirectly, and frequently joke with my coworkers about how they ruined all my chances for finding love.

 

I don't hate depending on myself to open a door. I don't resent that I can't reach the flour high up in the cabinets. I don't mind doing most things for myself. In fact, if I had my fierce (and appreciated) independence taken from me, I would be bitter for that.

 

I HATE waking up knowing that today will be pretty much the same as yesterday. I DISLIKE not being able to have a committed, regular sexual relationship with someone I love. I don't ****ing know what that even means anymore, and it leaves me even colder a person than I used to be (don't ever ask my advice for anything—I hurt people when I give advice now, because my grip on reality is strong and emotions mean nothing to me). I LOVE being older because I see things coming from a mile away, like the reappearing man, or the person who needs a quickie, an ego boost, or something from me; but I wish I was young and didn't know because it makes me sad and I just want to be happy and enjoy whatever affection I get. It's so rare now.

 

Sometimes I think I go to the doctor just to feel someone touch me with purpose while I look into their eyes. Sometimes I think my coworker likes me just because today was different. I frequently tell myself my parents are the last of my family. I will be alone when they're gone and I need to plan for my life to have no one in it. I live it that way now, besides a couple of friends.

 

Sometimes I try to imagine what my life would be like if I were a woman full of the warmth other people seek. Sometimes I even consider dusting some cinnamon and nutmeg in my hair to make myself smell like I give a damn. The truth is, I don't really care.

 

But if I'm bitter about anything, it's because my life turned out to be first world ****, not because I resent having to depend on myself.

[bluefeather]

I've little words for someone who speaks so boldly, partly because they've said enough for both of us... For all of us. And words might not even help a situation like this anyway. Or could they? I dunno. Under another circumstance, I'd offer to buy you a cup of coffee. I don't drink coffee. But your brain is worth picking. I planted a few seeds in this forest of yours. As they grow, they will not be the same as they were the day before.

Edited July 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LostInTheWild]

I've little words for someone who speaks so boldly, partly because they've said enough for both of us... For all of us. And words might not even help a situation like this anyway. Or could they? I dunno. Under another circumstance, I'd offer to buy you a cup of coffee. I don't drink coffee. But your brain is worth picking. I planted a few seeds in this forest of yours. As they grow, they will not be the same as they were the day before.

 

This is probably why so many people stopped commenting so long ago. What can you say? This is why I'm dragging on posting now. What can I say now? I've got nothing. There's no coping here anymore. I thought this thread would be three pages long, tops, and I'd lose interest or life would turn out to be okay. I wouldn't be single. Forty pages of diatribes and rants later...here we are.

 

I like coffee. And thanks for the seeds. Hopefully something cool comes about.

[bluefeather]

This is probably why so many people stopped commenting so long ago. What can you say? This is why I'm dragging on posting now. What can I say now? I've got nothing. There's no coping here anymore. I thought this thread would be three pages long, tops, and I'd lose interest or life would turn out to be okay. I wouldn't be single. Forty pages of diatribes and rants later...here we are.

 

I like coffee. And thanks for the seeds. Hopefully something cool comes about.

 

Well, that's just me in general. I don't use words as often as other people. I am more a quiet observer who speaks his mind only when asked for input. Others might have something to say, but they might not be reading this because it is very complex and lengthy. That isn't a bad thing, but in a way, it filters out a lot of what I might consider "fluff" - dull minds with "me toos," which can be pretty prominent anywhere on the internet. I could be wrong, but that's my reasoning for it.

 

As to your speaking here, I say keep going. If not for coping, for recording. It may be valuable for analysis later. I have writings of my own elsewhere that are years old. At one time or another, I have thought little of them and came close to deleting. A couple of years later, I found them again and learned a lot about myself, as well as experienced a great nostalgia over something once forgotten.

 

I'm glad that you like coffee. I hope it means that you might have indulged me I seek something you seek too: a connection, in the best sense of the word. I won't stop looking. I hope you don't either.