Lost In The Wild

[bluefeather]

Ok..

So today I saw something. Something that could have potentially hurt me a lot. I saw that a certain ex, one I had an intense connection with and struggled to overcome, and as far as I can recount right now, one of the driving forces for bringing me here... was with someone. Now I say again, this had the potential to hurt me very much. But it didn't. And I am hoping, hoping that this is a lasting feeling and I am not just in some strange kind of light shock or experiencing some kind of numbness before any pain kicks in. So yes, this just happened and I thought to start a thread of my own, but then I remembered there was already a section of wild that I found. So this is where I came to. This is where I ran.

 

I'm by a fire, rubbing the cold off of my body. An image going through my mind of her and the other guy... mayhaps even the next victim. But no, that isn't kind to say. Yes, she has mental issues, but who knows. Perhaps she is working her stuff out. Perhaps she will have a better life now with this other. Oh, I see. I don't think I care about that. I only care that it has happened. It has finally happened. I must let this go. This is an old wound that is mostly healed. I can tell so much just by the fact that I am going through analysis instead of pain. I am finding it difficult to feel jealousy. I thought it would come instantly, but it's not. It's just not there.

 

So this, I say to you, my old thorny flame. That... was one helluva ride. You hurt me multiple times, but in the process, I learned SO much about mental disorders. And I would have never known what I know now about establishing boundaries, looking for healthy-minded partners, and a genuinely loving relationship, had we not met.

 

So now I grab a handful of dirt, stand up, and let it fall into the fire. Some of it blows away in the wind, and the rest makes the flames flicker. I thought it was done for so long, but I always knew that there would come a time when I would find something out, and that day would be a test of my feelings. It is with great relief, that I say this to myself: This chapter is truly closed.

 

I hope you make each other happy. As for me, I am off to find my life partner.

 

And honestly, thank God it wasn't you.

 

 

LostInTheWild, thank you very much for letting me use your space. This has been therapeutic.

[LostInTheWild]

Ah, the good ol' ex sighting.

 

It's funny you bring this up. I haven't seen my ex in person since...he stood in the street looking conflicted as to whether he should walk away or come back. I know he exists and he is raising a child with someone who is apparently not that great towards him. I thought it would bring me joy to see him suffer but no, I'd rather he were happy, despite the turmoil he caused (and I helped).

 

I don't know what that feels like, to see someone on the street with their new person. I see them online. I know they're there. I sometimes even torture myself and force myself to look at how great things turned out for the ones I cared about. But never in person. I thought I'd have a speech ready for one of them if it ever happened. As time wears on though, and I accumulate a long, long list of coulda woulda shouldas, I don't give a flying **** anymore. There one day; gone the next. Bye Felicia.

 

Now I'm curious to know if I ever will see any of them in the wild again. I doubt it. But I wonder.

 

You're welcome to post here! Anytime. I'm glad you took me up on the offer. Thought-provoking, actually. And it adds a new flavor to my thread.

[bluefeather]

Thank you, again. I wanted to wait a while before responding. Needed to be sure. Still no lingering pain. This is good

[LostInTheWild]

I'm in a better place mentally, I think.

 

Days are blurring together and I'm fine with that. No highs and lows. No wondering or questioning about what's at hand. It's all laid out for me. I know what to expect out of each day, besides my impending doom which I often think about, but mellow is yellow.

 

There is one thing though. My high school friend is once again in contact with me. Seemingly lonely? Seemingly interested in seeing me (Friday, Saturday, Monday...after repeated, "I'll see you next week on x day," on my part). Calling, telling me I've grown into a "beautiful woman." Eyeroll and gag.

 

I've searched my soul. If the opportunity ever presented itself, could I pursue anything other than friendship with him? The answer is...**** no. I think it finally hit me last week after the excitement of his return wore off. This guy claims to care about me, has been in the background for 17 years, but I've never felt safe with him. More like he was quietly judging me.

 

"LITW, you're single because look at how you dress!"

 

He said that once to me a few years ago while I was in the process of moving and was totally broke. We went out shopping because I asked for his help picking stuff out later on, and he didn't like my style. Fine.

 

"High School Friend, why don't you ever want to hang out with me? I'm living in your place now and you're never around."

 

We will hang out soon, he said. Or, it's nothing personal. I was at the loneliest point in my life while he was living with another woman who wasn't his girlfriend but kind of had potential.

 

"I think I hear something outside and I'm scared."

 

It's in your head.

 

"Can you get your landlord to spray for centipedes? I'm terrified of them. Please! There's an infestation."

 

No. She won't do it.

 

"I saw someone has a dog. Can you just check to make sure it wasn't a mistake that she doesn't want dogs? I miss my baby."

 

No. She won't let me.

 

The entire time I lived in that building, someone had a pit bull. It wasn't a secret.

 

I moved partially in with my parents after I got sick of roasting and the bugs had me sleeping in my car. I finally got all my things out and put them into storage. I saw him once and he acted like I was a stranger as I carried my things out to my car.

 

Sounds like he just wants sex.

 

The more I think about it, I'm not sure I even want to see him again after that. If he was nurturing another relationship and basically ditched me for that, then I feel like all we will ever be are distant friends. And I'm showing him that because I've lost interest in texting him.

 

Idk how to feel about this return. I guess I'll know soon.

[LostInTheWild]

Walking in my sleep

Like the naked dreams

Will they wake up again?

Do they sleep? Do they dream?

 

Feel it as the wind strokes my skin

I am moved by the chill

Hear the winter bird sing

 

Ahhh...Ahhhh...

 

My tears are always frozen

I can see the air I breathe

Got my fingers painting pictures

On the glass in front of me

Lay me by the frozen river

Where the boats have passed me by

All I need is to remember

How it was to feel alive

 

Silent days, violent shades

We are dancing again

In a dream by the lake

 

Ahhh...Ahhhh...

 

My tears are always frozen

I can see the air I breathe

Got my fingers painting pictures

On the glass in front of me

Lay me by the frozen river

Where the boats have passed me by

All I need is to remember

How it was to feel alive

 

Rest against my pillow like the aging winter sun

Only wake each morning to remember that you're gone

So I drift away again

To winter I belong

 

Ah...Ahhhhh...Ahhhh..

 

My tears are always frozen

I can see the air I breathe

Got my fingers painting pictures

On the glass in front of me

Lay me by the frozen river

Where the boats have passed me by

All I need is to remember

How it was to feel alive

 

My tears are always frozen...

 

All I need is to remember

How it was to feel alive

I need to remember

How it was to feel alive

[bluefeather]

That guy you spoke of does not sound like a very good friend. Not at all.

[LostInTheWild]

Funny you should mention that.

 

He told me he has pretty much been in love with me for years last night.

 

I can't say I feel the same way. There was a time when a maybe existed, but not right now because maybe exists for no one. And we ARE SO DIFFERENT.

 

I don't see myself ever going down that path. But I've been having moments of...thinking about being 30. This is it. Maybe I should settle. I could love him for being the teenager that gave me Slacker stickers in high school. I could love him for being stable, because I'm certainly not. I'm not truly attracted to him, but does it matter once we age? Could I do this?

 

Nope. I'm not desperate. I want to meet the man who sets me on fire. I want my mind to be ignited and challenged (I get bored easily; I need someone on my intellectual level to toy with). I used to want children, but if my eggs are meant to shrivel up, then so be it. It looks like relationships and children aren't in the cards for me. And...he's just not it for me.

 

I don't know where that came from, honestly. It's just awkward. Like...I was sitting at home reading my new romance novel (it's ****ing good, too), and THIS happens. Like, world, please leave me the **** alone. I've had enough of you. I want to read about women getting what I used to want and I pretend I'm them. End of story.

 

I'm 90 years old.

 

ETA: I made the decision to not go back to my old company who pretty much extended a hand to save my ass. I declined. Now look where that's gotten me. Food for thought.

Edited August 20, 2017 by LostInTheWild

[bluefeather]

Welp, I don't think you need advice on this one. Especially since you pretty much came to the conclusion that I might have suggested. But I'll say what I think about settling: I think settling is unfair to both sides of a relationship. There might be a weird kind of exception to that thought... but for this guy? From what you've said about him so far, doesn't seem like it.

[bluefeather]

Ok, so this is some kind of venting I am going to express. Not sure where it will lead, but feel free to look elsewhere. There may be strange kinds of mist of varying temperatures about...

 

I am having a bit of ... wow, I feel a little bit calmer now. sooo.. nvm?

 

Nope. It's back. Ok, I gotta create. I need to make music again. wtf, I haven't felt that way in a long time. But I don't know where it came from. I haven't needed to do that in... how many has it been? Oh, that must be the reason. It has been long enough, and now the cycle has come back around. It is time to be artistic again. Fudge. So now I don't know if I'm supposed to write or sing or pick up one of those instruments again. Most likely any of them will require spending money that I had not planned on spending. This was supposed to go towards buying my way out of here. Many goals, we have! grr. think, think.. I need a spiritual advisor, but He/She isn't around much these days. Or rather, I have not opened that kind of dialogue in quite a while.. why is that? is it because I have been so focused on my goals? But I thought that was a good thing! relax... ok. So I need to write. Yes! That's perfect. Writing is a form of expression. Poetry, even, would do. For now.

 

With idle presence

He wiped away all that which laid inside

But divine essence

Was what was left

And standing, too, beside!

 

So wake the need, my son

And heed the words I call on you...

ummm

I don't want to rhyme anymore

 

Hey! I'm figuring this sht out. It's working. Goddess help me, it is working..!

 

And it was at this point that a wave of anxiety became a wave of inspiration. With hope, I shall ride it well.

[LostInTheWild]

My eyes open. I see the covering of trees above me with a clearing directly in the center. Sunlight dances across my face. I feel the earth caress my back. I can't feel anything else, except for gravity holding me here, under the trees, torturing me with the light at the end of the tunnel, where the sun lives, a million miles away.

 

I can't get up. As much as I want to, I can't seem to find the strength to move. All of my energy is spent trying to find a way out of this place. It is haunting me and I'm losing hope. Or...I guess you can say, I already have.

 

I stayed in this position the entire day, looking into the trees until nightfall. Nothing goes through my mind. It is blank. I think of nothing in the past and nothing in the future. Nothing in the present. I'm just there like the dirt beneath me. Existing, but not living.

 

The darkness enveloped me. The air cooled. The trees blended in with the sky. I did not sleep. It required too much energy. Sleeping meant that I was looking forward to the next day. I wasn't. And my human nature was taken from me, so sleep would mean nothing.

 

I watched the sky change into shades of blues, purples, oranges, and then the sun was back, high in the sky, creating the light at the end of the tree-lined tunnel. I didn't budge. There was no way up, no way through, no way across. There was just no way.

 

A tear escapes and runs down my cheek. I have no idea why. Maybe my body knows something my mind doesn't.

 

I hear a low rumble off to my left. It sounds half-cat, half-monster. The noise continues and the pitch rises, seemingly growing closer. I decide to turn my head to look. I see nothing but weeds and trees.

 

My pulse quickens for the first time in days. Adrenaline shoots through my body. There is something big out there that I didn't know about, and it could very well kill me if I don't find a way to get up.

 

"Grrrrrooaarrr..."

 

Anchoring my upper body with my hands, I push as hard as I can to sit up...

[bluefeather]

"Grrrrrooaarrr..."

 

I exclaimed. I declared. I'm starting to understand, even just slightly, that these woods are not as beautiful or inviting as I initially imagined them to be. Why? I am always at peace in environments like these. Is it because this forest belongs to another? Do these trees show malice? I hiss when I am startled. And growl and snarl when threatened. But it's not so much a reaction to fear or dread, as it is a statement that I am ready for a fight if they are. But what is it that set this off? Sneaking about the consciousness of another is a different kind of experience. I'm not in my world, so I have to wonder if I still possess all of my abilities. My claws look decent enough. I could probably leave a good scratch in the bark of any of these. If I climbed one, I wonder if the branches would extend to entangle me. To keep me from seeking a better vantage point.

 

It looks very, very dark now... Almost black and silent, yet the trunks still stand out. It's as if in this moment, brown gives off a strange glow of its own. Suddenly, I am filled with a small warmth. One of the entities I sometimes pray to... it seems like She's around. In here? How? But it doesn't matter. Because now the memory comes back, and it makes me smile. It's that I thrive on battles. Now, this battle seems more silent, but it is still a battle...

 

Now another entity is felt. It brings peace. I see. Now I am conflicted. One side of me will enjoy a fight through these trees, of which clearly appear to be wanting to attach to me now. And the other side wishes to kneel down and allow them to do what they will. Perhaps on the chance that they'd take me deeper in, leading me to another. Or perhaps because the trees might be twisted extensions of a wounded spirit that is trying to hug. So now, it appears that I may have come full circle. Again, I say that I am always at peace in environments like these. I begin to kneel down. There's now some kind of bladed weapon in a scabbard strapped to my waist. No idea where that came from. I take the blade out and place it on the ground beside me. My eyes begin to close...

 

Meow...

[LostInTheWild]

"Do you have any metal implants in your body?"

 

No.

 

"Choose the music you'd like to listen to during your procedure."

 

33.

 

Michael Jackson.

 

I haven't listened to his music in a long time.

 

"Have you had any surgeries, or any of the conditions listed below?"

 

No. But... I'm probably going to come out of here with one.

 

After changing, I was led to a dungeon-like chamber and instructed to lie down on a bed, with my head in a brace. A Silence of the Lambs-esque mask was placed over my face after my ears had been padded with headphones.

 

I had wanted to whisper, "Hello, Clarice..." to the person who caged my head in.

 

The team pushed me into a machine and the throbbing, grinding noises began. Then Michael sang over them. I laid there like that for an hour and a half. My first MRI. I think I'm dying.

 

So I stared at the line above me in the machine. I asked myself some questions.

 

Who will you tell if you find out something is wrong?

 

I don't want to tell anyone. I don't think anyone would care.

 

What do you think dying is like?

 

Quick, I hope. I don't want to suffer an illness.

 

What if they don't find anything?

 

Then I can start living my life again.

 

And if they do?

 

Figure out a way to make the transition easy for my family.

 

You don't want to fight?

 

No. I gave up a long time ago. There's no reason to persevere.

 

Are you going to tell him?

 

Him? Oh, him. The guy I met at a concert when I was 25. I really liked him. I was broken up with my ex at the time. It had never panned out. And he came back a couple of times this year, but wouldn't meet with me to catch up.

 

No. I asked him not to contact me again.

 

Your ex?

 

No. I may thank him at some point for screwing me up royally though.

 

Your cousin?

 

No.

 

After it was over, I was stiff. I walked out and huffed to my car.

 

I keep thinking...

 

This torture is almost over.

[LostInTheWild]

I spent a lot of time thinking about him in the beginning of the breakup.

 

I wondered, after a few months, what he looked like. Did he still look the same?

 

I thought often of the way he smelled, how he talked, and the way he made me laugh. Was he still funny?

 

I also never forgot how bad it was, how much he lied, and how painful it was to love him.

 

Over time, though, that fades. And since I haven’t been able to find a replacement, sometimes I even find myself thinking of our old jokes and laughing to myself. Or I analyze a shared thought we had and nod in agreement. All by myself.

 

The truth was, however, he was a bad person. I can say that now. And he made me ugly for the time I was with him, broke me when he left, and the damage still lingers. I can hardly relax when anyone shows me physical affection, I feel as though nobody really cares about me, and still have the lingering sense that I’m just not worth the trouble. And over the years, after everything, I finally believe him. I’m not worth it. Men never respect me. They pretend to like me the way he did. They have inflicted so much pain, I don’t even know why I think to bother anymore.

 

I drive a conspicuous vehicle. Saturday was a normal day for me. I just ran some errands, drove to get a macchiato, just listening to music as I went along, agonizing over someone else.

 

I pulled into the gas station to adjust my hair and fix my makeup. I was getting ready to get out when I looked over at the face that stole my life.

 

For the first time since maybe September of 2013, I saw my ex-boyfriend. A person who I never thought I would see again.

 

His hand enthusiastically waved to get my attention. I’m sure my face was frozen in a fake smile. I had plans after all. I was a woman who needed to be somewhere, who has her own life, and I don’t appreciate intruders sucking up my time. But I figured, why not? I’ll catch up.

 

He still towered over me. His hair was longer and started to turn curly at the ends. Ash brown hair I pushed my fingers through. Those light-brown eyes that smiled for me. Long eyelashes I would admire. Perfect teeth I would run my tongue across. The person who taught me that it is better to let go and be alone, even if I couldn’t see it because life was like some love story back then.

 

For a moment, I felt comfortable enough to get closer to him and reach my hand up to his hair to tuck it behind his ear. It felt like an old habit. The younger me would have done it, with warmth and love. The older me is tired and hates herself. And despite giving him a half hour of her time, smiling, she hates him too. He robbed her of her precious years and made her into a stupid fool. She hates herself because she couldn’t let go. And because she never got the chance to truly move on.

 

Seeing someone who hurt you so much and who you loved so fiercely despite all their flaws was something I can’t describe.

 

I wished him dead. I wished him well. I hoped he failed. I wished him the pain I felt. I wished he did better than me. I wished him happiness.

 

I grieved hard, even though I didn’t acknowledge it. It was the elephant in the room for a long time. Ever-present with every date. Every first kiss. Every ****. Every ending. Until there were enough endings to bury the one that hurt the most. And then there were ones that hurt more.

 

So there we were, me thinking about touching his hair. Wanting to hug him because that’s what we used to do.

 

Then I remembered everything and how he had moved on. And I’m here to tell you today that the ex doesn’t always go on to have a happy life. We all pay in our own ways after a breakup and even long after we think we’ve moved on. Karma is a sham. Life is just...life.

 

However, he was nervous. I sensed great regret although no words were spoken about it. I just knew he did.

 

I asked him if he had followed me into that parking lot and he said he hadn’t, although that was a lie. He forgot about my internal lie detector.

 

As he stood there with his rugged charm, telling me all I wanted to know about our old life, our old friends, I could see the love I thought never existed. I convinced myself I was in a loveless relationship for so long, but that day I knew I was wrong. He did. He loved me then and he still did. We just weren’t a match.

 

I held myself, arms folded as we spoke. Occasionally laughing, occasionally surprised, marveling at the ease I felt. I thought this day would never come, or that it would be so much harder, or painful. It wasn’t.

 

We wrapped up the conversation and I left to go on my date. He left to go to work to support his family.

 

He loved me. And I would never go back to him. Not ever. I would rather die.

 

I’m dating someone new. And I don’t think it’s going to make it. He’s just what I need and I’m going to **** it up if I haven’t already.

 

It’s funny because I saw him several times at restaurants, bowling, etc. and I knew he liked me but I wasn’t sure about him. I went to his house and it was like he was a totally new person. So different. He was just nervous. And for the first time, I was glad I didn’t write him off. He became ten million times more attractive to me. I didn’t know what it meant to have someone grow on you, but today I have the feels and I think he’s gone.

 

It was nice to be held again so I wouldn’t scatter across the universe. It was nice to feel cared for. It was nice to feel like someone was interested in me. And it hurts to think that it’s unattainable because I’d stay. I’d get to know him. Just as he soon realizes I’m not worth the trouble.

 

I gave this one some time, too. So I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong anymore. It just makes me so sad that when I decide to try, it doesn’t work.

 

There is a reason I haven’t written about him. The reason is my thread is littered with the evaporating man. I wanted to make sure he’d stick before I wasted the time putting him here. I didn’t even talk about him much with my friends. And now I have him here just to remember someday. Because he’s going to be another myth I believed in.

 

And I hate myself. And I hate my ex. And I hate my life.

[Hoosfoos]

Hate him, hate your life....I get it. 110%. But please, give yourself a break. It breaks my heart to read this!

[LostInTheWild]

Hate him, hate your life....I get it. 110%. But please, give yourself a break. It breaks my heart to read this!

 

I’m trying Hoosfoos. Believe me, I am.

[Nothingtolose]

Your thread is amazing and so binge-worthy - please don't ever stop posting! How are things going with the new guy?

[LostInTheWild]

Your thread is amazing and so binge-worthy - please don't ever stop posting! How are things going with the new guy?

 

Nice to see you here! Thank you for reading!

 

The new guy, well, I’m getting ready to dump him if he doesn’t dump me first. He’s still shopping around and we are in week 4 so... I’m not really interested in that and I’m thinking I’ll confront him tonight. Then I won’t get the answers I want. Then I’ll exercise my right to be single. I’ll hurt for a week then I’ll be okay, hopefully.

 

More to come.

[divegrl]

When I ran into my ex it was like seeing a ghost......

 

Your words are so very beautiful. Just like you. Thank you for sharing your experiences...

 

Wishing you some peace and joy today my friend. Hugs.

[LostInTheWild]

You are long gone but not long forgotten.

 

I have something to tell you, again. I know you’ll never get this message but I figured I’d post it up here anyway. And yes, I know it’s creepy I still think about you sometimes.

 

I just wanted to let you know I got the memo about living life the way you did. I’m going to Trinidad this week, finally going on a trip by myself to meet with my friends. I’m so excited to see them in their new life. Something I hope to have someday.

 

But you did this for me. You gave me something to envy enough to go for it. I got the extra-thick passport because I know this trip won’t be my last. I’m sad that I have to do it alone, but I’m finally ready to go.

 

I’m just sorry it took me so long to make a move. I know I won’t regret it, though. I’m going to drink from the fountain of life, the one you taught me about. I will savor it the way you did.

 

And I’ll think of you occasionally while I’m doing it.

 

Some people just aren’t easily forgotten, no matter the circumstances.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

XOXO,

LITW

[LostInTheWild]

I’m on another roller coaster, guys, so pitch in if you like. Red flags, pink flags, green flags...point them out. Let me lay it out.

 

Power is out at work today due to a bad storm and windy conditions, so I have time to post in between packing and fretting and Dunkin‘ Donuts.

 

I wasn’t interested at first, if I’m being honest. Something about him was rather off-putting. Maybe it was his positivity about everything so quickly after his divorce. Maybe it was the god damned cargo shorts he wore all the time (if we get serious, I’m going to flame the ****ers) and the recent cargo jeans (lord, help me). He also had no detectable scent, so I assumed he wasn’t wearing cologne. But he was open and he seemed kind. Very responsible. Things I’m not very good at in this moment. Hell, I’m a train wreck. Still. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get my credit together to move. I’m afraid to struggle again.

 

I thought he’d be a slob when I went over to his house. I told myself it will make or break this. I didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t clean up after themselves. And I walked in. And it was extremely clean. And I decided that day, it could work.

 

We all know I’m a stalker by now. If you don’t know that, you have to read more. I don’t trust ****. And it’s usually for good reason. So I checked up on him. I found his dating profile. I knew he had one and didn’t get bothered about it at first because I thought this would be a pit stop for me in my life.

 

As it turns out, though, I really started to like him. I’m not in love or infatuated, nothing like that yet. I’m just content being with him. I’m learning something new. My feelings are growing for this person and I believe his are slowly growing for me. We tell each other that we like one another when we talk about it. His eyes are warming. He seems happy to be with me.

 

Seeing each other has accelerated. It’s up to four times per week now. One night, I was leaving his house and we said our farewells. I was feeling pretty lit up and started to get excited when...I checked his dating profile and another ad I know about. It said he was online now, and he had reposted his ad.

 

I lost my ****. Three weeks in and this ******* doesn’t know if he likes me by now? He doesn’t know? I mean...that pissed me off. How could he not know that I’m the one he wants to focus on right now?

 

So, I did something I’m not proud of and enlisted the help of a friend to respond to his ad. I designed a question I knew he would answer the way he did. “Have you been successful meeting anyone on here?” And my friend called me back to tell me his answer. “No I haven’t met anyone yet.”

 

So, I texted him, pretty much laying out that I was looking for someone interested in a relationship and told him I saw his ad reposted. I told him that we could end it now if this isn’t what he wants. I wasn’t expecting a response and sat quietly, texting friends and drinking my wine, staring off into the four white walls of my room.

 

How could I be so stupid? Is it stupid? I’m not typically the jealous type.

 

Not to sound full of myself or anything, but in the looks department, I do believe I have a few points over him. Plus fashion (****ing shorts...). He reminds me of someone who should wear a fedora. But really, this stuff doesn’t matter at the end of the day. It never matters what you look like. It can help, but what does matter is on the inside. And he gets more attractive to me each time I see him. I wonder though, if he’s only hanging on to me because of his physical attraction to me.

 

And then I got the advice to ask him to talk in person about my feelings after I blew up. He responded to my initial text about an hour later telling me the fact that we are both still looking means neither of us is 100% sure yet. He thought I was looking...

 

So he told me he was available to talk on the phone that night and to be honest, I thought that was that. I thought he would be done, combative, defensive, anything other than what he was. He was calm, gracious, and still wanted to see me. He explained that he has only been single for 4 months and he’s not sure of things yet so he’s keeping his options open and seeing what’s out there. He’s not rebounding all over the place and sleeping around because he doesn’t feel the need to do that. He’s not out to **** me over but right now he can’t offer commitment although he knows he wants another relationship. He acknowledged that we may be in two different places at the moment. I agreed. He also told me he’d let me know if he met someone else. Which, uh, thanks.

 

The day I drove to see him, I expected it to be my last. The next time I went to see him, I thought it would be over then too. And more recently, he’s started opening up more, sharing his world with mine. I see progress in this. It’s not steady; it’s accelerating. And yet I always wonder, even though I promised myself I wouldn’t look, if on the nights we aren’t together, he’s out with someone else. I currently get weekends and a few weekdays. Who else is fitting into his life?

 

Then when I’m with him, he tells me what he’s been doing. He tells me what he’s looking at on his phone. As if to dull my suspicion. It’s really intriguing how this is playing out. I’m trying to be understanding. I’m trying not to pressure him. I’m trying to give this a chance despite the circumstances. But I have so many doubts. I’ve never questioned myself so much.

 

The true test in all of this is coming now. He’s on a business trip in Canada. I’m going to Trinidad. He will return before me and I will return a week later. I feel as though we will have a nice break between us. I just can’t shake the feeling that he will vanish like so many before him. The other night, I turned over in his lap and looked up at him, “Will you still be here when I get back?” He said, “Yes, I’ll still be here.”

 

Saturday night, I told him, “I’ll miss you.” And he said he will think of me whenever he’s not working. And, “I’ll really miss you too.”

 

Aside from the multi-dating, it feels really healthy and steady. But I’m guessing this is a rebound for him despite what he thinks. I’m just a passing traveler through his journey to heal. I know that. This will never be more than that. I tell myself that everyday so I don’t get my hopes up.

 

And I’m truly sick of having that narrative stuck in my head. But it’s just so accurate.

 

I’ll dip my toes in the water, twirl my fingers around the sands, tan lightly, smile, laugh, and come back to give him what the European gave to me. If nothing else, I can make someone remember me the way the European made an unforgettable impact on my life.

 

That’s the best I can do. And it sucks. Single and lonely or someone’s love glove.

[LostInTheWild]

I pushed myself up to my feet to see further into the distance where the animal was coming from. I don’t know where I found the energy. I knew I was in for the greatest fight I’ve ever encountered out here.

 

The earth started to rumble beneath my feet. I looked down at my now brown, tattered dress. Long worn through the years and changing colors many times has left it colorless and dull. It is based on how I feel.

 

I reached down and ripped of the skirt of the dress, layers of silk and tulle piling around me. Brown and dirty just like my soul. I tore off everything I could, revealing brown leggings beneath that were so tight they seemed to blend into my skin. My top remained fancy, but worn.

 

My hair fell all around my face as I crouched down to look on. The earth continued to rumble as the horror came closer. Much to my dismay and confusion, where the monster should have been standing...it wasn’t there. There was nothing to see.

 

Frightened, I looked around and still saw nothing. Until it hit me. Hard.

 

Knocked back into the ground, leaves and thorns piercing me, drawing blood from cuts I couldn’t feel, I knew how to fight it. It howled again, sounding hurt and angry and monstrous. It was terrifying but I knew it was in pain. I started to cry as I lay back with the wind knocked out of my lungs, gasping for air, searching the skies for answers it never gave and never had.

 

Holding my broken hand across my stomach, I forced myself to sit up. It was the least I could offer the creature. Some respect. Some acknowledgement. It wanted something from me. It didn’t come for my rage. It didn’t come from my hate. It wasn’t there to steal my pain. It wasn’t there to rob me of anything.

 

It was born from me. It wanted me to know it existed and what it was.

 

“I know what you are,” I whispered. It quietly groaned as if it understood. Then it walked away, earth rumbling as it crawled back to wherever it came from.

 

This was the first time I’ve been injured in the wild to the point where I could barely move. I propped myself up against a tree only to realize a stick was stuck in my chest. Blood was pouring out everywhere and I couldn’t stop it.

 

I tried and tried. But there was no help. I quietly fell asleep and slid into a coma. Maybe this is how to escape this place because I couldn’t find a way before.

 

A storm came through and even though I was unconscious, I could still miraculously hear it. The cold rain covered all of me, soaking through my clothes, wetting my hair, cleansing me. It seemed to be almost healing.

 

I wish I knew how long I sat there like that. I finally awoke and looked around my surroundings. There was a thick mist hovering in the air. The leaves were fiery oranges and bold reds. There was a chill in the air but I didn’t mind it. I looked down at my hands and saw they were healed.

 

I had thoughts again whereas before I had given them up. I took this part of my chapter as a new chance to find a way out of here. I got out once before, or so I thought. It can’t be impossible.

 

And I stood up. When I started walking, my clothing started to change again. The brown remnants of my dress began to fade to a pale gold color. As I continued walking, tulle started to emerge, along with long pieces of more pale gold silk. The skirt kept growing and became fluffier the further I walked. It grew and grew until it wound down around my legs, leaving a short train behind me. My hair had also grown down to reach the back of my thighs. I don’t think I’ve worn such a beautiful dress before.

 

“Renewal,” a voice whispered into the wind, breathlessly.

 

The wild doesn’t want me to be lost. It is in my head where the wars are waged. Only there can they be won.

[LostInTheWild]

I awoke in the mountains. Palm trees and birds hovered over me. Yellow birds, red birds, tropical birds. They chirped in their singsong tones.

 

The sun was hot and the air was thick with moisture. I stood up to begin my trek for the day, as always, trying to find a way out of the wild. I wasn’t sure why the wilderness was so different this time.

 

The greens were the greenest I’ve ever seen. The blue skies boasted big, pillowy clouds it seemed I could walk on if I could only reach. And so I hiked.

 

My pale gold gown blew with each light gust of air. I worked my way up a pass through the mountains, stopping at a stream for the best drinking water I’ve ever had. My hair began to get wavy against the humidity.

 

Walking along and listening to such beautiful nature was very calming for me. It centered me to be so close to it. To take it all in. It was almost too much to handle. But I continued on, passing snakes, frogs, more beautiful parrots.

 

And then I came to a beach full of white sands. As far as the eye could see, tucked away in a cove. Here, I could see the mountains surrounding me. I could see through the water. And on my left there was an abandoned boat.

 

I walked over to it and pushed it into the ocean. There was something I had to see; something I didn’t know about.

 

The saltiest water splashed on my face, all over my dress, and wet my hair. Still, I pushed out to sea and hopped into the boat.

 

Floating there, in the deep waters, although I’m trapped in paradise, there’s something to be found. I don’t think it’s escape. It may be myself. What I want in life. I have a few days left to figure it out.

[LostInTheWild]

Good morning. Good night. Hello. Goodbye. No. Maybe. Yes. Okay. Cool. Sure. Awesome.

 

I don’t remember feeling like someone cares about me. I thought I’d know it when I saw it. I thought I’d feel something. It would click. And I just realized last night it’s been years since someone has liked me. It’s been years since a member of the opposite sex has actually wanted to know me.

 

Last night, believe me when I tell you, that all changed.

 

And I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know what will happen with this either.

 

Yes, it’s the guy I spoke about previously. I was so resistant to him at first. Then it became all about him doing online dating. Then it became about letting that go. Breathe. Let it air out. Let it develop.

 

Then, he left for Canada. I left for Trinidad. I hadn’t heard from him in a week while he was away. And then I heard from him when he got back to the states. I was expecting him to disappear like so many before him.

 

He didn’t. He just didn’t have service in Canada and he didn’t download the app I suggested until he got back. I was on the brink of kicking him to the curb when he finally appeared, but I called him and I instantly missed him. I missed my country. I missed talking to him. I wanted him.

 

It turned out that he doesn’t want me sleeping with other people. I told him the same. We talked about our trips and I shared with him how afraid I was of the plane rides I took.

 

We told each other we missed the other. And I felt his absence.

 

We planned on seeing each other all day on Sunday upon my return, but fate had other plans when I missed my connecting flight. I was temporarily stranded for the entire night, only to find myself in my car doing 90 on the way home, 12 hours later than I planned, wanting to see him and salvage our busted up plans.

 

I pulled up to his house after cleaning up and unpacking at home around 3. The first hug and kiss was long, longer than I expected and sweeter than I had imagined. It was evident that we did, indeed, miss each other.

 

There’s a trend I’m noticing with him. It is unraveling slowly. I get pieces of him here and there. But it’s always more than the last time. It took him forever to make me laugh. When he did, he brought tears to my eyes. It took him forever to tuck my hair behind my ears and run his hand down my neck. But he did, and it sent shivers down my spine. And now he reaches for me and holds me. He kisses me all the time. And... I enjoy this but I’m afraid to let go and give into my feelings. So I haven’t. I remain a statue in regards to feelings.

 

Yesterday, however, he asked if I wanted to see a movie. I agreed to it. He told me to come by after work. He said he was going to make pasta. This is really sad, but I interpreted that as him telling me to get something to eat before I came over. It turns out, he was cooking for us.

 

I arrived after work and he had the table set with wine and wine glasses. The food was delicious. We decided to not go out and instead watched a movie there while we tickled each other, laughed, kissed, and talked. It wasn’t like all the other times though. It seemed deeper, almost? I’m not going to pretend I know the depth of anyone’s feelings based on the way they look at me ever again. I’ve been seriously mistaken before. And I’m pretty sure I’m mistaken again. Until I can be sure.

 

Even still, after we opened up to each other quite a bit last night, I left wondering...what are we doing really? Because he told me he likes me several times without prompting. He’s touching me more. He admitted he’s been happier since being with me.

 

And he’s looking forward to me cooking for him on Friday. I thought he’d cancel. I keep fearing the bottom will fall out somewhere. I’m trying to get my bearings. But he mentioned that he will be cleaning his house and doing his lawn on the days we aren’t together so we could spend more time focusing on each other.

 

It’s weird. I can’t explain this at all. I just know that so far, despite driving my friends crazy, I’m here for it. That’s all. It feels healthy so far. He treats me right. He’s sweet and funny and fun. And he likes me. Right now. Anyway...

[Hoosfoos]

Really hope it works out for you.

You deserve it.

[LostInTheWild]

2004: I was 17 years old. I met him at his job. He worked at a pet store. And he liked me, or so I thought, looking through my teenage eyes. We messed around a bit and I got attached. He was older than me by several years. I thought he was mature.

 

One night, something happened and I can’t quite remember everything. I think he tried to break it off. I went to the bar he was at. I’m in my hometown now and could easily drive to it to see.

 

He came outside and met me in the parking lot. I was crying and extremely upset. He took my face in my hands and said, “You’re amazing. I really do like you but I’m not monogamous.” He bought me a six pack and went inside to continue his night. I went home, called some friends, and drank my prize.

 

2006: We had just had sex. He seemed kind of upset about something after and I pressed for answers. He turned to me and told me he was in love with me. Although I don’t miss him, that was the only time I believe someone did love me, looking back on it.

 

2013: We stood outside of a pizza shop next to our home. He told me I’m a great person. We launched into other discussions, but that was the last night we went out. The next day, he was gone.

 

2013-Present Day: I’ve been told how awesome, amazing, and fantastically fantastic I am by many men. None of them really knew me. I worked hard at some of these relationships and some I barely cared about but everyone got their chance. At my expense. At a great cost to me. But I did these things just to know how it would turn out in the end. I’ve gotten my validation that my feelings are accurate. I’ve also been surprised a few times.

 

Let me rewind a bit, though, and tell the story of Frenchie. I never did talk about him much (at least I can’t remember getting into it). He was here temporarily from France. And after spending a night with him, my feelings took off fast. He intrigued me. And like a big idiot, I thought I’d marry the guy. I literally didn’t say anything negative about him. I was the epitome of positivity. I was never unhappy. And I hardly saw him. Crazy? Yes, absolutely.

 

It turns out that I was totally wrong to get excited. It had just been so long that I went nuts over him. He told me he he wasn’t going to be able to stay in this country and reduced everything down to sex. I happily accepted that. Saw him once more and then he went dark. I didn’t contact him. A couple of weeks later, I got a message from him checking in with me asking how I was. I said I was great and suggested meeting up.

 

To my horror, he declined and told me he met someone else who was into threesomes. I flipped out and that was it. About a month later he texted to apologize for how he treated me. I accepted that.

 

And I decided to not date again after that. Like always.

 

If you don’t seek it out, it won’t always magically find you. So I tried again.

 

And here we are.

 

And I’m starting to feel upset again. That knot in my stomach is coming back. I’m just waiting for the quicksand to swallow me up and spit me out into the future. Because I know.

 

The Cab Theory states that a person isn’t ready for commitment until he is. His cab light will turn on when he figures out he’s ready. He will proceed to pick up the next passenger. And that’s not going to be me.