Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

This post isn't really about him. It's about me. And how I've been extremely depressed. I stopped attending my classes.

 

Every day seems more like a painful charade of who is going to be the best best today. Not me. And I just do not want to do it anymore. I'm tired. I'm bored. And I won't ever meet anyone again that I like or who I think is even worthy. I'm boring and alone. I might just tell my boss that I'm happy in my little position of doing not much else and I'd like to stay making the same amount of money and the same amount of work for the rest of my life.

 

I have lived and loved and lost and conquered. Now I am past watching everyone grow up and onto buying homes or making their second batch of children. And here I sit. I have options of going out to see them or going out to the bar. These days I've made a personal bar in my home so I don't have to leave. I have everything I need here: heat, alcohol, television, and my phone.

 

This early winter I was thinking of taking kickboxing classes but that's about it. That's all I can do. I will hide behind my walls until youth fades and time calls me into the future. Until it isn't painful to do anything again. Until I'm ready to learn or ready to go to rehab -- whatever it is because I sure won't have a family or a home. I've got a friend, my friend I tried to date, and even he doesn't want me (the one I met at work). And my friend who does want to sleep with me, well, I do not want to see him again. I'm just a hardened shell of who I used to be. And it's not entertaining.

 

**** it. Cheers!

Edited December 2, 2013 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Grrrreatttt....

 

I'm really starting to feel like Tony the Tiger in my family. Everyone is getting married and and having kids.

 

TWICE....in the same day...my friend is on her second child and my cousin is getting married in October.

 

WTF???

[LostInTheWild]

Here I am, back in this forum, just to vent a little bit more.

 

My ex is fading like a distant memory. He no longer haunts me the way he did in the beginning of the breakup. And I don't miss him. Good riddance.

 

The damage I've done to my life while grieving seems to slowly repairing. The scars are fading long after the wounds have healed and I am grateful. I miss my life and I want to get back to it. So, I've decided to take up a new hobby...bellydancing...and it will keep my mind off of how terribly broken I was. And how I almost lost everything -- including myself. So, private lessons will begin soon, and I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing something creative. Maybe I can become a great dancer. I can only hope.

 

I did sign up for a dating website in the beginning of December. I met two men off the site...one guy just didn't feel chemistry. The other, well, he has a child who I absolutely think is adorable. He is successful and he is a good parent.

 

This past weekend, I felt myself go into sabotage mode during our "date." He had come over for dinner and after he left I felt so...empty. I felt absolutely nothing...as if the sparks just slowly began to fade away from me. I think he felt it, too. So, I wanted to reach out to him and tell him how afraid I am of messing things up with him. But I can't. I want to run away and I'm not sure why.

 

He has invited me to meet his friends tomorrow. As much as I want to move on everything seems sort of strange. I want to tell him I can't make it. He hasn't texted me today anyway so maybe it's best if I say nothing. I think I've already given him too much of myself anyway.

 

I can't think clearly about my future or how I would like it to end up. I like him, but I'm too scared to commit to him and I'm too scared not to. Everything is at a standstill.

[flightplan]

Hang in there Lost... I went on my first date since my BU and kind of the same as you. No spark, but at least it was fun to get out, meet somebody new and forget about the ex for a few hours. It's just a matter of time before you meet someone who you'll have that chemistry with again.

 

We all have multiple soul mates walking this earth and we'll bump into them along the way as long as we keep moving forward.

[BC1980]

I get it. I've started talking to a guy, and it paralyzed me with fear at first. It's hard to let go of my ex and the future we were supposed to have. It's incomprehensible that he doesn't want to be with me. Even after all this time. Its discouraging, and I just want to be happy again. I feel like I'm just here, going through the motions. I have no motivation most of the time.

[LostInTheWild]

Is "like" supposed to grow into "love"? Is this referred to as a more mature love? Or are you supposed to instantly feel a spark with someone? I feel uneasy about the guy I'm dating now...Not to say I don't like him, but I'm not in love with him. Do feelings grow slowly? I'm not sure.

 

I keep having this daydream and it's the same every time. My ex is sitting next to me and I feel a longing to reach out and hug him, but I don't because I have put so much energy into being normal again and so much energy into hating him. The he asks, "Do you still love me?" In his eyes I can see he still loves me -- it's so vivid. And all I can manage to whisper is, "I did." Then my heart breaks because it's true and because he is hurt.

 

And I'm still so glad he's out of my life, but now I'm being plagued by my daydreams...still waiting to hear back from this lady for bellydancing...I need a hobby quick.

[LostInTheWild]

Things keep happening in rapid succession in my life.

 

Okay so the last guy is out of the picture. I enjoyed it while it lasted but lost interest rather quickly due to him being 5 years older than me, having a child, and a habit that turned me off as soon as I saw it. He picks his nose and eats his boogers. I never thought that was possible, but I had to see it a few times in order to realize what he was actually doing. I mean, he did this every time I saw him and I'm thinking, "Did I just see that? No, no way." Welcome to denial. And a hilarious tragedy of ending things.

 

I confronted him and he went off. He defended his habit and I stood my ground. Ew.

 

So anyway, this past weekend I went to a holiday party my job was having. It was a disaster in so many ways, but I started speaking to a coworker and we are hanging out this weekend! He's super cool and super nice. He's younger than me...not by much but enough for me to feel a slight blow to my self esteem. Eh, I'm getting older, aren't we all? Anyway, I'm happy about this guy because he seems mature, he's easy to talk to, NORMAL, and sweet. And I'm embarrassed to admit this here and to myself, but he's the first guy I don't want to sleep with right away (since my breakup).

I want to wait.

 

This has me hopeful. Well, I shall keep you updated.

[LostInTheWild]

Third date coming up at my place. I'm cooking dinner for him and I imagine Monday will bring sleepiness mixed with excitement because when we hang out we talk for hours even if we aren't really saying much.

 

I have to say that I haven't bonded with a man intellectually since my breakup. I've liked guys and I've wanted them, but not like this. I'm getting this feeling of knowing something is right and it's scaring me. All of the superficial flaws I had on my checklist are out the window. I like who I believe he is and I trust him.

 

This guy treats me very well and when I'm with him I can't help but smile. My eyes have changed...I look at him in a loving way. You know, the puppy eyes? It's been years since I've looked at anyone this way, even my ex.

 

I hate to get too excited about him but there is something I just can't resist. Our age difference scares me…his heart might not be in the right place. I'm afraid I'm getting attached too quickly. And even at work I want to be around him. So strange...I feel like if I truly get to know him and he is who he says, he could be the one, maybe. How infantile of me...Sigh...

[LadyM]

I just read your entire thread. It was like reading a really good, juicy novel. You write and express yourself beautifully. I have to thank you because I don't smile or laugh anymore, but when I read the part of your recent fella and his distasteful habit, I burst out with laughter. So, thanks for that. Do keep us informed with how things go with your current guy.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, the young buck didn't last. I had to sit him down for the "reasons we won't work" conversation and it was tough, but it was easy. I was sad for like half a day then I moved on.

 

The reasons why:

 

1. I might want to get married and he does not anytime soon (red flag for me...I'd be waiting until my hair turned gray).

 

2. I might change my mind about children (and he was worried he may have gotten me pregnant).

 

3. This is shallow, but I'm taller than him in high heels...I like to wear my high heels. But I felt like I could kick his ass.

 

4. With that shortness in height and driving the huge truck comes other short things that are, well, hard to see past.

 

5. When I told him I might want children and marriage, he confirmed that we weren't right for each other.

 

However now, he is back in the picture telling me he made a huge mistake. I disagree (more on that later). He regretted his decision to just agree with me about everything and is now recanting his agreement with my statements that I do want a family some day and he is too young to consider that now. Now he says he may want that some day and he isn't sure with who but the right girl could change his mind. Sure! But I like older men because they tell me what they want straight away, you know?

 

Since then, I have once again moved on to someone new after a brief hiatus from the dating scene. He is...older, nice, tall, and has money. We have hung out a couple of times and this weekend I'm going to his house and we are going to make a nice evening of it. I never imagined I'd meet such a nice gentleman, but hey, anything is possible, right? He knows what he wants, can take care of himself, and things are going smoothly but I won't get too excited about this one. I'll wait it out. Dating has taught me to take things as they come and if something isn't working out -- say so! Don't waste time.

 

Everything in my professional and recreational life is going well. I'm learning belly dance, which is fun! And it's a cool hobby to have. I'm still in school, still going...in all facets in life.

 

There is life after my ex after all. I won't find that in any man. I realize now my quest isn't for the person who will make me whole. It is to find the person that adds a nice touch to my life without becoming my world. I have to hold onto my new independence. I'm enjoying it too much!

[LadyM]

Thanks for the update. It sounds like life has been treating you well. I'm so pleased to hear that. I just wondered if you think about your ex, miss him at all, have any contact, etc. Also, please let us know how this weekend goes with your new fella!

[LostInTheWild]

I've been thinking about you a lot today. In fact, I'd venture to say that I even missed you. It doesn't feel like I'll ever meet someone I connect with again. Every person after you has come up short in some way and I'm lost trying to find someone I want to spend my life with.

 

I'm a little down and I hate you, I love you, I miss you, and I know that I don't want you back. But what is love supposed to be? I don't even know anymore and you can't answer those questions for me. I have no one I can turn to to figure out these feelings I feel.

 

I am curious about you. The itch of sending you a simple text to ask how you are has been in the back of my mind. I won't. I can't. But it's there. Gnawing. Cloying. Unbearable at times...

Edited February 25, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

This past weekend I had my third date with the gentleman I had mentioned prior. He was really accommodating and nice, but I just don't know if the spark was there. He seems to want more than I am ready to give and it frightens me. I want to know him first.

 

What I do know is that despite all of his positive qualities...he seems very insecure deep down and it makes me sad for him. He is all too willing to give and give and I find that to be such a turn off. I like that he loves to give but at some point -- like having a roommate live with you rent-free -- something has to give. It would drive me up the wall to watch people take advantage of him because he feels as though he's doing something nice for someone.

 

Other than that, he is just a NICE guy. So much so he pays for almost everything we do, holds open doors, pulls out chairs, and yet I feel ungrateful for it. Or more like undeserving or more deserving of my independence it took so long to get a hold of it for myself.

 

I talked to him about some things I might have to do and he immediately came to the rescue offering his various talents. A hero. I must admit I am intrigued by that, but I feel so shallow -- I'm not 100% attracted to him. In fact, I find myself looking down or away from him in his presence. He is easy on the eyes, but not the typical man I would look for in dating.

 

I'm keeping this door open and will continue to date him until I finally decide he either is or isn't the person I want to spend my time with. I feel shame saying it that way, almost like if I called him now and told him I want to be with him and only him he would be all too willing to accept just so he could have me. That makes me think he is desperate and gives me bad vibes. He's an interesting fellow but I think I just have to mull over this for another week or two.

 

It feels like I just won't meet the person who will entice me. But then again, I'm beginning to like having one arm held out, holding others at a distance they can't seem to break through.

[LostInTheWild]

LadyM, thank you for reading. I know my posts can be quite lengthy sometimes, but I put it all on here as if it were a diary because it's the only place I'm really allowed to work out my feelings without someone telling me how I should handle my life, you know?

 

I hope to have many more funny stories. I'd like to make more people laugh or smile just by reading. So, I'm glad that I could help you out in some way.

[LostInTheWild]

Another day has passed by. My ex is still on my mind, surprisingly. I had a dream about him last night...

 

My ex was dating my friend, who is married and has a child with one on the way. It was so strange. I could almost reach out and touch him. My heart raced as the feelings of betrayal set in. Sweat was beading up, tears were choking me, and I lost my voice.

 

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

 

I woke up in horror this morning. This man who I gave a significant portion of my prime to was once again allowed to have power over me in my subconscious. I dusted it off and got ready for work. I was pretty dumbfounded the rest of the day and still am.

 

I spoke with some friends about the new guy I'm dating. They don't really seem to like what I have to say about him and they don't really like the stories I tell. I am still trying to figure this one out. He sent a barrage of texts to me today about how he was out to lunch with friends, figured out some things, his artist friend drew him a picture for him to use for his hobby, and each text annoyed me further.

 

See, this guy doesn't work and he doesn't really have to. His friend called him about a job opportunity while he contemplated volunteering. All while I spent the day working at a job I truly enjoy. It was like a gnat hanging around, buzzing in my face, and eventually getting caught in my eye. My phone lit up and lit up and lit up...each with a new update about how his day was going.

 

My day consisted of problem-solving, problem-solving, and more problem-solving. That's what a job IS. So I eventually gave in and sent him a picture of my computer screen. This is what I'm doing! Amazing...I texted sarcastically. It doesn't get anymore exciting than this! Woo!

 

Man, I just don't know about how I feel about dating someone who has that much time on his hands. Tomorrow we will be hanging out and he will be coming here expecting me to show him where I live. I do not want to do that now. He screams insecure to me. "If I ever get the chance in the future to do this with you..." Um, okay. Yeah, maybe. My birthday is several months away, dude. I've known you for what? 10 days? Come on...Play it cool. So that's how I feel about this situation for the time being. He can exit my city at about 9 or 10 at night tomorrow. No coming into my place or finding out what my actual address is just yet! OH NO!

 

So, a strange twist of events occurred today the moment I got home. One of my older coworkers I was interested in about 4 or 5 months ago texted me, telling me to keep it professional because he couldn't get ME out of HIS head. He also told me I was full of myself and that he doesn't possess an on/off switch like *I* do. I laughed.

 

Really? I barely speak to him now and he's upset because I don't want to hang out with him (which, this ended about 4 months ago now without a peep from him)? LOL!!!!!!! I threw something away in HIS trash today and he texts me, insults me, and tells me not to respond! HA! I couldn't resist. I even told him it was funny. Are you kidding me? I greeted, chucked some trash, and now I'm being unprofessional? Get a GRIP!

 

Whew, I needed that laugh today. That makes two guys who regret letting me go for reasons I cannot possibly fathom...And an additional guy who was upset because I couldn't accept the fact that he ate his boogers on the regular, but was persistent in trying to change my mind. WTF?

 

This current guy...I'm praying right now, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT be a psycho!

[LostInTheWild]

Quick update:

 

I'm dating online...

 

So, I told the new guy I'd call him back in half an hour, but it took me longer since I was typing this and wouldn't you know it? He was checking my profile while I was busy. I'm wondering if he thought I was online chatting up other guys or something...

 

How annoying...

 

/endrant

[LostInTheWild]

Maybe someone can help me out with this one. I'm really confused about this guy I'm (still) dating. When he speaks to me, it feels as though he is insecure, but I can't quite categorize the vibe I'm getting from him. I also feel like he comes off as desperate sometimes.

 

Here is what bothers me so far (and this may just be in my head -- it is entirely possible I'm just not ready to date, or these can be warning signs):

 

1. He LOVES talking...about himself...A LOT. Some things he says are interesting, but he also loves talking about his money and his financial situation. I don't mind that he has money. That's great! But making an evening of it bothers me. He also enjoys giving me the play-by-play of his day at times. Hanging out with an "artist" and sending me a picture of something I could draw in a brief amount of time...well, that's inflating the actual situation. Telling me his friend found him a job -- a GREAT job, out of nowhere. He has no degree in the field and would require training. But he doesn't even have an interview lined up yet. Bragging about his level of intelligence -- about how he never has to study...Yeah, okay. Bragging about his car and his home...And about how he has more money coming to him, his investments, etc.

 

2. While bragging about his car and how he paid cash for it, he automatically assumes that I should have known he had money on the first date just because he drives a nice car (I LOVE that car) and tells me just like that. I replied that many people I know drive that type of car and I never assume they have money because they can get loans and make payments on it . Duh. He lets me drive it, but it feels more like he thinks he's doing me a favor by allowing me access to it. My dad drives a nicer car than him and he would let me take it if I asked. Nothing new to me! But I never say so...I just let him think whatever he wants to.

 

3. Okay, I'll admit it -- we have made out. We are adults. But he leaves hickeys on my neck. The first time I asked him not to do it again, shrugged it off, and life went on. The second time, it made me angry. I told him I work in a professional environment and can't afford to walk around like a streetwalker. Now, the first time, it was a mistake. The second time, I felt disrespected. Pair that with the fact that he was hiding a cold from me and could have made me sick made me feel that he had an even lesser amount of respect for me. Thank goodness I didn't get sick. It might be okay for him because he doesn't have to work, but HEY, I DO! Another issue of respect was that I had asked him to not tell me how much money he has. I didn't want to know because I don't want him to think that I just like him for his money (although "like" is increasingly becoming distant in my mind). What did he do? He told me how much money he has. Oh, and he asked me how much I make. I declined a response.

 

4. Last night he came here to pick me up. I got in the car and asked him if he'd like to eat first and what he was in the mood for. He couldn't tell me. It was my decision, all on my shoulders. And then I heard him say under his breath, "Well, I can't please you all the time." WHAT?!

He seemed agitated looking for a restaurant on his phone. I flat out asked him if he was okay because he seemed agitated and I was met with, "No, not at all. I just had a rough drive up here. Almost got ran off the road." Oh...That explains why you didn't leave your attitude on the turnpike...

 

5. He has told me before that I seem hard to figure out and hard to impress. I'm really a simple lady actually. I'm independent, open doors for myself, stand my ground, hold my own, and won't give myself away to just anyone. And I don't think I will fully give myself over again. Anyway, he kept apologizing for being how he acted (which was acting like we were in a relationship -- we are NOT). I felt he was just moving a little bit too fast for me and it made me recoil. But I was met with apology after apology and even last night, another apology. He even said he'd do better next time if he got the chance. Which, today it entails not texting me until I got off work, being sort of cold, and ending the conversation first. He thinks he is meeting me on my level by playing "the game," but nothing could be further from the truth. He ended the conversation by saying a cool, "If you want to chat later, let me know." Ball is in my court I guess.

 

6. We have talked about our exes. I have told him some stories. And he has told me more than I'd ever want to know. He portrays her as crazy (red flag, I know), but justifies it by telling me she had diagnosed mental illness. They went to therapy together and she never recovered. Then he told me he was being charged with harassment because after the breakup, he had talked to her father about the help she needed and he tried to get her to seek help. She never did. But as the story slowly unfolds from his side, she later accused him of abuse and for holding a gun to her head (and he says she was the one who held the gun to her head which is why he got rid of the guns). He says this is not true and shows contempt for the story I told him about my own personal abuse.

 

He did tell me a story about her friendship with a transgender male, 40 years her senior, who would write her affectionate letters and send her money. He read them. I never asked him how he found out, but he could have gone through her things. He showed hostility towards her friendship with this man because he felt she was pulling away emotionally. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't date a transgender man in his 20's, 30's, or 80's. Or allow the friendship I had with one interfere with my own relationship. He talked about her badly. She could barely hold down a job. He took care of her every need. But I never hear anything about the bad things he had done. As far as his story is concerned, he literally poops out the most fragrant, brilliant roses you could ever imagine. Seriously.

 

He has insulted her level of intelligence and told me that she is dumb. He said that I'm smarter than she is and that's an attractive quality. Oh, really? Because I don't buy into bullsh*t so easily. That's what makes me smarter. And at that point I asked him to stop comparing me to her.

 

7. He seems almost too nice and insists on paying for everything. Now, this part has me a bit suspicious. Is he trying to buy me? Is he flaunting? Is he trying to create a sense of indebtedness in me?

 

8. He says he had a great childhood with no problems whatsoever. Okay, there are individuals out there that are like that, but painting a fairytale picture almost seems...unrealistic. Even great childhoods encountered some problems. He hasn't mentioned anything.

 

I know, it sounds like I'm really trying to find reasons to not like this guy. But something just feels "off" about him. I'm hoping it's just because maybe I'm not ready to date. But I'd really hate to lose a genuinely nice guy who could potentially be my life partner.

 

I don't know. It's weird. I tell my friends these stories and they think there is something wrong, too. I'm not sure because I have put up with a lot from men and can continue to put up with a lot, but no sooner will I be in love with someone who slaps me around if I don't step back and question things. It is in my nature to be inquisitive and it has served me well in the past. I just don't want to get involved with the wrong guy. These are just some complaints I have about him but I would really like a response on this because maybe I'm just being too hostile when it comes to allowing someone new into my life.

 

I don't know. I will see him again on Saturday, but I'm at a standstill with how I truly feel about him.

[jphcbpa]

Ummm really you need us to tell you what you already know

[LadyM]

If something seems "off" about him, please consider listening to those instincts -- because they always know.

 

From all you've told about him, you won't be missing out on much.

[LostInTheWild]

Jp, yeah, I needed someone to tell me what I think I know. I wanted to know if I was being overly critical of him. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. I will never find out because I ended things with him - twice - in less than 24 hours.

 

I feel relieved but my mind wonders if I have made the right decision. I'm so confused and I attribute that to his constant text messages that flowed at a regular pace yesterday.

 

The evening prior, I was at my friend's house discussing this topic with her. She doesn't really like what I've had to say about him, so when he called, I let her listen in to our conversation. Not two minutes into it, he mentions that he had checked my online profile and saw that I was online. I asked him what time that was and he told me a ridiculous time (when I was actually at my lesson). I asked him if that was a problem and he told me it wasn't a problem. I explained to him that I have notifications set up on my phone that tell me when I get an email, but that I wasn't really online looking for anyone. And he says, "Oh, yeah, I love letting the emails sit. Then when girls get a response from me they're all excited." Then he follows up with, "And you know, I am interested in YOU. I'm not looking for anyone else online." And I said I'm not looking for anyone else either.

 

Since I ended the conversation abruptly, I think it agitated him. Before we hung up, he says, "Hey, I'm just going to leave at 6 tomorrow instead, is that all right?" I say, "Sure, that is perfect." My friend heard this too. The date was scheduled to start at 6.

 

My eyes were about to pop out of my head when he brought that up! My friend looked the same way. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! We just start a phone conversation and you bring up my online activities? We haven't known each other for TWO WEEKS! TWO WEEKS!!! Two weeks is a pay period for me at work. It gives me enough time to spend the first paycheck and look forward to the next! Not to fall in love! Not to check out my date's profile online! Maybe two months...not TWO WEEKS!

 

I quickly ended the phone call. I was embarrassed this time. I was embarrassed for myself and for the fact that my friend had heard this straight from him, albeit he didn't know. My friend had mentioned that maybe he has trust issues...I texted him to ask. "No, not at all," he responded.

 

I took a deep breath, and said it: "I can't do this anymore. If you have insecurities, they will eventually drain me. I'm so sorry." He texted and told me he didn't know, he's sorry, he apologizes, he's sorry, he apologizes. He called me. I allowed this. I answered and oh my goodness, I've never met anyone more sorry in my whole life. I could have made $1,000.00 off of how many times he apologized. He apologized for how he acted during this past weekend (which he really did nothing wrong besides almost make me sick with a cold and give me hickeys). He was sorry for mentioning my financial situation. He apologized for the online profile thing he mentioned, but he said it was a joke (sure DIDN'T sound like a joke to ME!).

 

I asked him if he had a bachelor's degree because he told me he did but his profile said he has an associate's. "Yeah, I have a bachelor's degree. I don't count it because it's in culinary arts and restaurant management. I count my engineering schooling for the associate's degree." He doesn't have his associate's in engineering YET. In fact, he's not quite halfway there! Liar.

 

Then he whines he has a job interview. "I got the job interview!" he says, sounding like he is upset and afraid to lose me. Like this would change my mind? I didn't think to ask any questions at this point but I later asked myself, why didn't he mention that first thing when we first talked on the phone as opposed to mentioning the online profile? If I were excited about something like THAT I wouldn't shut up about it. I'm thinking that was a lie as well. I won't ever know for sure.

 

Anyway, that evening I tell him it's okay, just come by tomorrow and we will go forward with original plans. He just has to bring me flowers (I was joking). And I ask him, "So, I guess you'll make it here by 7:30 or so since you're leaving at 6?" And this seemed to confuse him. "What are you talking about? I thought we would meet at 6?" Oh, no. He can't keep his thoughts straight! I say, "You told me earlier that you would be leaving at 6." He responds, "No, I didn't. I thought we'd meet at 6. Unless you want me to come by at 7?" I say, "No, 6 is fine. Bye."

 

The time thing is significant to me. I think it showed he was agitated at first. So agitated he forgot he told me that. My friend and I heard, HEARD, him say this the first time. What is going on in his head? What a big baby.

 

I woke up yesterday reeling from the experience. A sense of dread welled within the pit of my stomach. This would be the first night he would be coming here. This would be the first night he would know where I live -- exactly. And I don't trust him. My friend's words rang through my mind, "Do you really want to bring all these issues into your apartment tomorrow night? It will be harder to get away from it."

 

No. I don't. So I sent him another text. "I'm so sorry to waste your time, but this isn't going to work. I've been thinking about this all day and I just can't do this. I can't deal with these issues."

 

He wanted to call. I thought about this for a minute and I smiled inside. I figured him out. He wanted to call so I could hear his sadness, his apologies (same as before), and this would be in hopes that I would change my mind.

 

"Sure."

 

The phone rang not a minute later. And all the apologies came. What stood out for me this time was the fact he again mentioned his ex. "I'm so different now because I'm used to my ex blowing up at me and screaming at me. It makes me seem like I have insecurities but I don't." I put the brakes on that real quick, "Hey, you know that you are still controlled by your last relationship, right? Everything that you claim is bad about you, how you react to things, and how you live are all because of HER. I don't buy that. YOU are in control of YOU. Enough time has passed for you to take control of how you act, who you are, and nobody can change that now. That is just an excuse." That was met with, "I admire you. You are perfect. I know you would never treat me like that."

 

At this point, I realized this man had put me on a pedestal. A pedestal in which I was not going to live on...no way, no how. He is barking, batsh*t crazy. He never asked me to change my mind but he tried to manipulate me into doing so by trying to make me feel bad for him. Which I did, but I see right through weakness like that. It makes me pull away (in fear -- I could never trust he wouldn't be abusive to me after how he reacted). So many apologies again. I started giving one-word responses. Finally got off the phone. Whew.

 

He started again a few hours later. He sent me a picture of flowers and chocolate he had gotten me and they were beautiful, so I told him so. Then I apologized for hurting him and told him it wasn't easy for me either, but that I hoped he felt better soon.

 

Then he started to get nasty with me and this was the reinforcing shot of cold air that hardened my heart to his constant apologies. I didn't feel bad anymore. I saw what happened with his ex at that moment. He likes to regurgitate everything I told him previously, twist it, and tailor it to make himself seem like a victim.

 

Some things he said were:

 

"I don't want to spend time with someone who gives forgiveness than takes it back. Tolerance is a quality I'm looking for because I'm far from perfect."

 

To this I said that tolerance is a quality all people possess but each person chooses which situations they apply this to. And you are still forgiven, just not in the way you'd like.

 

"Well, I'm glad you have it all figured out. [...] I think you show a lack of tolerance. What I said in response to you judging people [i was telling him I didn't want to date anyone that still lived with their parents and didn't have a car to drive -- my preference] who still live at home wasn't wrong to say, you just took it personal because your pride doesn't allow any critical feedback on that topic I guess [he used my situation as an example -- I rent from my parents]. And my bad joke [online profile] wasn't well received either and you then judged me [...]"

 

"I think the common denominator with you and these guys who don't get along with you is you yourself and until you see that you will leave a wake of nice guys in your path."

 

"And to tell me that I'm still affected by my ex is hypocritical because I can scroll up and paste what you wrote about being emotionally detached because of your ex, you didn't afford me that same courtesy that I gave you [i have yet to find that text -- I did tell him stories but only when relevant -- I never raged about my ex and never belittled him]."

 

"But I'm just the last guy who wrote you a book rant that you can laugh about with your next date."

 

"Thanks for talking to me on the phone though. It shows you have some class and I appreciate the maturity."

 

"I made a big effort to come and see you and to try my best and I never felt like you liked me. I kind of felt like an option until you found better."

 

I never responded to this but yeah, that explains why he was checking my profile all the time.

 

"I know I had it in me to make you really happy, I just lost my way. It's really all my fault and I know it [...]"

 

"Yeah, I'm not shy so I know I have more opportunities ahead."

 

Me: Yep you do!

 

"I'm sorry I couldn't be a better man for you and someone else will benefit from what I've learned here and not you."

 

Me: That's okay.

 

"Please don't be discouraged because of me, you will probably date more insecure douchebags but the right one will find you I'm sure. You're one hell of a catch."

 

Me: I'm not discouraged. I'll just wait.

 

"Well, before I make an ass of myself any further and beg for a chance I'm going to book a trip somewhere lol. I need to warm up."

 

Me: Good!

 

These are just a FEW of the many excerpts from this wall of text I have. Some of them are nice but some of them are sprinkled with some obvious hatred. I imagine he will go back to his family and friends and tell them how crazy I was. He already had told his family about me.

 

Well, again I feel relieved. But I'm still not sure. I won't take him back or ask him to take me back but the sliver lining here is that he can date the chick in his college class that he kept telling me about (stories were different every time).

 

Moving on...

Edited March 2, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Paper Route - Second Chances

 

Can you place yourself in a moment's notice,

In my situation?

Increasingly you've made me cold and afraid,

A lonely companion.

 

Apparently love runs on one-way courses,

Away from contentment.

Or maybe there's anger that can't be expressed,

That fuels you resentment.

 

If you give me a chance to show you,

Will I come and show you?

If you give me a chance to love you,

Could I come back and love you?

 

I gave you everything but I,

I couldn't give enough.

Then you threw stones at at me

And said that they were thrown in love.

 

Turns out that I don't really love you at all,

'Cause love would find forgiveness.

 

Save your ammunition for somebody else.

I'm all second chances.

Save your ammunition for somebody else.

I'm all second chances.

 

Nothing's good,

Nothing's right,

But I love you.

 

Nothing's good,

Nothing's right,

But I love you.

 

Nothing's good,

Nothing's right,

But I love you.

[JDPT]

I always read this title as "Lost in the Sauce"

[LostInTheWild]

I always read this title as "Lost in the Sauce"

 

Haha, well, you don't have to read it at all!

 

I just treat this as a diary. If it's too long to read, then don't read it!

[JDPT]

I won't, I guarantee it like Midas.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, besides picking up a psycho online, everything is moving along just like it always does I suppose. He does still text me and he called me today to leave a message. I gave up replying a couple of days ago.

 

I have been thinking more of my ex lately, admittedly. Today, I saw his car and was slightly offended at first that he was going home the way I usually do. Then I found myself getting nervous and my stomach fluttered. What would I be driving into? Will he wave? Will he see me? Surely he knows that my car is a couple of cars behind his.

 

Yeah, I fixed my hair and tried to look a little bit less stressed out from work. I wanted to make sure he saw me happy and content. So, I get to the red light. Moment of truth; don't turn and look, don't turn and look. Okay, just a peek as I drive by and make the left.

 

Relief washed over me. It wasn't him. For a portion of the drive home I wondered if I would ever see him again. Not in the "missing him" type of way, but just knowing how awkward it would be. The person I once knew, completely gone, completely changed. Just like me.

 

Then he vanished from my mind as I drove home. My life is busy now. Too busy to be dwelling on him. I wonder where the rush of emotion came from though. It's not supposed to be like this...