Lost In The Wild

[mattny]

Youre gettin somewhere! I like your non-chalant attitude about things.

 

I had a girl who does Crossfit contact me on facebook Saturday night, i was already stuffed from a bbq and several beers in, she gave me her # without asking and we ended up chatting til 3am. Its funny...when I honestly dont care where things go, i find my flirty comments, or witty banter rolls right off my head. And she loved it. She agreed to getting dinner soon (tried for this weekend but shes busy, so maybe the following week), but i texted her yesterday morning with no response since. Figured 'eh who cares' and onto the next one. Sometimes it baffles me lol!

[LostInTheWild]

Hey Matt, I'm trying to keep my cool here. When he jumps...I'll jump. I'll let him lead me on this one, for the most part.

 

It sucks she didn't respond to your text, but maybe she really is busy. I look at text messages all the time and then I'll get distracted with something else and completely forget to respond for days...unless I'm absolutely crazy about someone.

 

There is this poor guy I haven't much mentioned that is trying to get me to go out on a date this Thursday. He seems to have some money, and bless his soul, he won't give up (not in a creepy way). I just forget to respond to him and that is that. Then a few days later I'll get a text about the date and I forget to respond. I did talk to him on the phone once but...the chemistry wasn't there for me. I'm hoping it will be in person, should I decide to go.

 

I'm really thinking I'll back out of it, not to wait for the other guy, but just because...I'm sick and tired of dating. This guy seems like he will be like Mr. Money Bags that went psycho on me because I didn't want to see him anymore. I don't need that crap again. Not all men are the same, but still, he seems to wear his heart on his sleeve and his mother is dying. Not to be mean, but if his mom dies in the first few months of dating I will be expected to be his comfort and frankly, I just have no more energy to support a man in any way at this point (nor should I ever have to, I think, unless we are married). There is always that sadness around him now and it's scary to me. I have my own problems and I certainly don't need a man's problems right now.

 

Sorry if that seems...shallow, because I'd love someone there to support me if something like that should happen. But I would only expect that of a true spouse...not a date/boyfriend.

[LostInTheWild]

There are two possible outcomes to my new situation. A new, adult learning experience. I've honed my skills on the dating scene. I know what works and what doesn't. Do I always apply it? No. Will I this time? Yes.

 

I've always believed if you work for something, are patient, and loyal to the cause, then nothing but good can come out of it. Scratch the work and scratch the loyalty. All I'm left with is patience.

 

If there were ever a time in my life where I wanted to play it cool, it is now. It is hard. It is hard to leave my expectations at the door. It is hard to throw caution to the wind. But here I am...going for it. Slowly, patiently, and as sly as I can possibly be. Not manipulative, but being true, honest, lighthearted, and friendly.

 

I want to do this slowly and carefully, while wearing kid gloves.

 

He didn't text me, as expected, Saturday night. I occupied my time with other things, more important things, than him. I did not text him. I've learned how to handle this. No contact. No, "Where are you? Why aren't you responding? I thought you'd invite me?" Blah, blah, blah. I took it like a woman. I took care of my sh*t and went to bed. My life is more important than that.

 

However, I do want to keep myself in the back of his mind. He seems flighty. It's hard to figure him out. The only way to do this is with friendly banter...and I initiated it . Yesterday...

 

"Hey hey! How'd your shindigs go? :p"

 

"Hi? What's shindigs? :-) How are you? Yesterday was good. Long, busy, and fun. I was a bit drunk by the night so I stayed local."

 

I was wondering why he explained that to me. I didn't text him to find out WHY he hadn't invited me. I texted him to see how he was doing, etc.

 

"Haha! That's adorable. A shindig is like a small social gathering/event/party. :o"

 

"I see. I assumed :-)"

 

"I'm doing well. I had to go grocery shopping. Still debating on playing tennis since it looks like it may rain. And belly dance! What are you up to today?"

 

"That sounds fun!! I have a soccer game at 4. Well, you can belly dance even if it rains at least."

 

"Haha thank god! I can't stand being trapped in the house. Have a good time playing soccer. Talk to you later!"

 

"You too! Have fun!! We should hang out soon!"

 

Now, I'm not really sure if he's just being nice at this point. This is the second time he's said this. So, okay, I played a little game. I waited a few hours and texted him back: "Well, when you're ready to make some plans let me know ."

 

A few hours later...

 

"Okay. Do weekends work better for you?"

 

"Either or. I start my new schedule, 7-4, so that makes my weeks easier. Are weekends best for you?"

 

"Probably, I don't have fixed finishing time so the whole week is unpredictable."

 

"Okay, well, as of today, I don't have any concrete plans for Friday or Saturday."

 

Thought I'd let that marinate for a while. I stopped responding after he sent me this: "I'll keep that in mind then ;-) I'm going to bed. I need to wake up at 2:30am to go to NYC for work. Have a good night and I will talk to you soon!!!"

 

He is a busy person, apparently, and works a lot. His weekends, I'm beginning to find, are important to him. He is enjoying being single. I'm beginning to enjoy being single, too. And I'm enjoying getting to know more about him through these little snippets of conversation. He makes me feel okay starting up a conversation, so when he does, I like to make him feel the same way.

 

I'm really starting to think things could flow differently for me if I keep this attitude going. In the past, I'd really be heartbroken and angry if a guy didn't do what he said he would, and I tried something different: I didn't let that happen. I didn't accuse, blame, or ponder the thoughts of other women. I kept it cool.

 

Like I said, I want him to think of me as fun, outgoing, and most importantly, independent. Through all of this, the whole time, I've put my "crazy" away and just started to appreciate what I do have. Make the most of it. Just be myself. And look forward, independently.

 

Now that I've opened that door of communication, it's his turn to walk through. I will not text him. That is now up to him.

 

This will go one of two ways:

 

1. He will not contact me again. No harm, no foul. It just wasn't meant to be and I won't latch onto him and force him into liking me. I simply sent out a feeler so he will think of me.

 

2. He will contact me again. This is the goal I'm trying to reach. I want to see him again. I want to see what happens next. I'm very curious and boy, I wouldn't mind gettin' naked with that guy again!

 

And there is one looming possibility, not something I dwell on because I don't know the guy (just seeing him again will make me happy), but something more. One we all hope for no matter where we are or what we are looking for. Companionship.

 

I've also limited drinking to once per week. No more beer during the week. I bought a case of water to keep me occupied. Alcoholism is really not my style. I don't have the guff to stick with much anymore, so I'm too lazy to buy more.

 

I've also changed my diet. It's almost summer...It's time to shed my winter coat. Running is on the agenda now. I want to stay thin, toned, and be comfortable with myself again.

 

I will do it. It's time to make some positive changes around here.

[mattny]

Great attitude to have about the situation. Still learning to let it not bother me and be indifferent...i end up with a '**** that bitch' attitude sometimes, especially if I get led on for an extended time and then just a fade out.

 

Me being financially strapped at the moment isnt helping confidence issues either. No one wants to date a broke guy cleaning up baggage from his last relationship lol. I think once my career starts returning decent paychecks and the OT helps me get back to where I was 2 years ago, I can breathe a little and go out more. For now I spend a LOT of time in the gym, even though the odds of running into her there are pretty good. Im im way better shape/toned/abs than I was dating her, and she sees it everytime the shirt comes off

 

Keep it up, youre loving the single life at a faster pace than I am!

Edited May 6, 2014 by mattny

[LostInTheWild]

Another week is now over.

 

Anxiety faded in and out throughout each day.

 

In between learning and training, I found myself preoccupied with this weekend, almost looking forward to it for some reason.

 

Staring into the distant nothingness, entertaining my wildest daydreams of seeing him again, this fast-approaching Friday came with built-in dread.

 

There has been no word. No plans. And now I just have this fleeting feeling, this anxiousness, that that day and that night were all I was ever going to get. I want to know more and I want to have more, but what I want and what is reality are two very different things.

 

I've kept my silence, as promised, and looking down at my phone in the heat of my car, I let him go. I deleted his information. Now, it's just time to take away from this situation the genuine happiness I have within myself now. Even if there is sadness attached to it. I've learned this lesson before, so, it's nothing new to me. It's nothing I can't recover from. And it's good I'm not left in ruins again.

 

Each day, I've eaten better, ran faster, and feel better about...being me. A comfortableness has settled in. This is as good as it's going to get for me.

 

I have been trying to surround myself with people I care about. See them more. And bring the person with me they once liked. I am not finding it to be that difficult anymore. The miserableness is fading.

 

I will no longer entertain the idea of him again, but if he should reach out, I will write about it. Otherwise, there is going to be a major shift in topic.

[mattny]

You did the right thing. Ive done that with every girl Ive talked to since my breakup some 8 months ago. Things would get hot for a bit and they would always end up pulling the friend card or hookup once and then say they arent ready. So i wish them well (sometimes) and just delete all their info out of my phone and move on. Even one girl at my gym got really close and personal, then pulled the cold shoulder. So i stopped speaking to her and now SHES trying to initiate the conversation when I run into her...but I pay her no mind.

 

My really close friends meet up every friday night. I try to follow the same routine and just hang out, drink and have a good time. Both are pushing me to stay single as long as I can and really enjoy it. Which I am!

 

Once you do the same, you will be able to handle rejection like this with a shrug and go hunt for the next one

[LostInTheWild]

Well, I suppose it's been a while since I've written.

 

Lately, I've been mainly consumed in my thoughts, in my work, and with exercise. It has definitely paid off. I have lost about 7 pounds already, which I am enjoying. Only a few more pounds to go (maybe 5 or so, not much more or I'll be sickeningly skinny).

 

I've also spent the past week cleaning. I have cleaned my place from top to bottom, in and out, and top to bottom again. We can call this spring cleaning, but it has it's purpose in other ways.

 

I went to see my therapist tonight and I was very happy to see her, being that she is the one that knows my deepest depths-worth of secrets. The reason why I haven't even told my closest of close friend about The European, as soon as I walked in: "Oh, I was so worried about you. I thought you would have gone to see him this weekend." I shook my head and looked down.

 

I looked down because I knew I had to tell her. I knew I had to tell someone something about this. I had to confess, and get advice from someone with knowledge. I had to have someone try to elaborate on what would happen next. I missed talking to her. The one person I went to see so I wouldn't have to hide anymore. And I've been avoiding posting anything because I feel so much shame and anxiety and fear and I feel so much all at once I feel like I will explode.

 

Explode I did. And listen she did.

 

"Well, I have something to tell you. I didn't see him this weekend."

 

"Oh REALLY?! I would have thought you would have. I really believed you would have something to say about him."

 

"But I do..."

 

And I do. Not only about him, but about my own actions.

 

"I wound up texting him after he didn't contact me."

 

This is the shame I felt. The shame that someone wasn't pursuing me and the shame that I was chasing a man. I still feel so much shame in that. It completely takes me to a new level. I am interested in him. I can admit that to myself now. To others, not so much. I am SO curious sometimes, it can be detrimental.

 

Long story short, he didn't get the job he'd hoped for. I feel his pain. I let him know that I understood. And he said he would really like to see me again.

 

I told him I would like to set up a time to meet up. One thing led to another, and we kept Tuesday and Thursday open, depending upon his schedule. Turns out, he did contact me on Monday asking for Thursday since it looked better for him. I obliged, gleefully.

 

I invited him to my place, my area, to see what this place is all about. He said he would be excited to see it. And then, I told him we could go to dinner and it would be my treat. He said he'd do it.

 

It is a one hour drive for him to come here, and I realize this, but if this is the best time to see if there is something there for myself, it might as well be on my turf. Then I will be able to figure him out, while he is weeded out from his friends, alone, and in a real world situation.

 

It is almost Thursday, the day of reckoning. He will either come or cancel, based on his schedule. I have no reason to believe otherwise. And he seemed insistent upon seeing me, so we shall see.

 

The downside to this is if he doesn't reschedule for the weekend, and doesn't adhere to any plans, I will cut him loose for good. The plus side is my place is clean enough to entertain guests. Maybe I'll throw a Memorial Day party of some sort.

 

It will happen or it won't. My birthday is on Saturday. I can always sit at the bar and get smashed, no excuses.

 

My shame will be exacerbated if he doesn't show, simply because I posted this post. Simply because you all know I want to see him. Simply because...I want to believe he will. And I want to get to know him.

 

I hate being so inquisitive. It serves me well at work. It serves me poorly when in Rome.

 

More to come...

[redbaron005]

I find it attractive when a girl knows what she wants and pursues it (unless she dumps me to). Why so much shame for doing something not dictated by the social standard? Let us know how today goes!

[LostInTheWild]

He will wake up with me.

[mattny]

Well judging by that it seems last night was a good time

[LostInTheWild]

Wow, my first drunken post last night. Imagine that...I'm drunk-posting you guys updates now.

 

Anyway, yesterday, the wait was unbearable. Absolutely unbearable. I told him to meet me around 7:30 or so. I told him reservations were made for 8:30.

 

I waited around after finally getting my car inspected (it passed and I got ripped off by 30 bucks for a freaking light bulb that cost $1.99). I came home, freshened up and tried to relax. I started getting jittery as the minutes began to count. It was really happening. Sh*t was about to get real.

 

Would I like him, really, this time?

 

Would he like me?

 

Am I pretty enough?

 

Am I smart enough?

 

How do I keep him from getting bored?

 

What if I'm boring to him?

 

I started to freak out. Anxiety was taking over my whole being. It had been over two weeks since I'd seen him and I couldn't forget him. I thought about him, longed for his company, longed to know more about him, and knew I wanted more. I wanted more and I was going to get it this time.

 

"I'm parked behind your car."

 

My hands shook.

 

"I'll be right there to get you."

 

I walked outside. A muggy, but warm, windy, and beautiful day. I turned the corner. I saw him reaching into his car. I saw him. I never thought I would see him again. And there he was. Any anxiety I felt instantly faded away and a bright, warm smile crept up on my face. I felt my eyes smile. I approached him. He walked towards me and kissed me. I'm glad he did because I wanted him to.

 

I led him into my home and we had a beer before we left for the restaurant. He had told me about his day and his friend who is a swimmer, as he is as well. I could smell him. That different, but now familiar, smell. I looked at him as he talked and leaned in to be closer as we sat on my sofa.

 

We decided it was finally time to get going. It started to rain and he made sure I had an umbrella. I asked if he had one. "I'm more worried about you. I don't care if I get wet." I made him get his umbrella. I drove us to the restaurant and parking was atrocious. I drove many, many blocks, in and around, through here and there, and finally decided to just park somewhere. We were a half an hour late. I led him through my city, turning corners, jaywalking, ignoring pedestrian signs, just talking about the beauty of it all and how bored I'd become with this place.

 

We arrived and they gladly took us in. They sat us in a nice window seat where the city could see us and we could see the city. The mood was right, the ambiance was nice, atmospheric, and glowing. The beer menu was what we both first looked at. I guess that's something we have in common. I stared at him while he browsed the menu. His eyes are soft and inviting. Curious, almost, and a light brown. His hair is also light brown. His teeth are white and straight. Just lovely. He is larger than me and makes me feel safe. He is toned, lean, and metrosexual. And most of all, I noticed his confidence. His confidence is what I strive for each day and hope to obtain sometime in the near future. Contentment. I never feel so at ease around anyone like I do with him.

 

I figured I could be myself. My normal, cool self. Just me. Just be confident. And it happened. I was and I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't stop looking at him. I couldn't stop being positive.

 

After dinner, I got the check. I told him this would be my treat because he drove so far to see me and because he had treated me the last time. Out came his card and his stern resistance to the idea of me paying for anything. He hated the idea. So I eased up and let him.

 

We took a stroll through the city. I changed from heels to flats, and wouldn't you know it? He carried my shoes for me. So with my free hands, I reached for his and held it as we walked. I wanted to show him this garden that is absolutely lovely, but the gate was locked. We walked to my car and got in. We decided to go back to my place, drop off my car, and walk to a local pub.

[mattny]

I like where this is going! Your point of view makes me wonder if my ex ever had thoughts like this when we first started seeing each other.

[LostInTheWild]

We walked, hand-in-hand, through the dimly lit streets. He remarked on how far it was, lol, so I started telling him we were almost there, even though we weren't. We finally arrived. And he's not one to let me open doors for myself. I like that he's always so respectful and kind. He holds open doors because it's the right thing to do, not because he's trying to impress me. No creepy people-pleasing vibes there (like the psycho dude).

 

So, inside, everything unraveled as we became intoxicated. I have faint memories. Asking him to let me do his nails. He admitted he had a pedicure once due to an injury. I asked the bartender for a picture. I finally got one. I wanted to make sure it was real. He told me he skis and he told me about his country's skiing resorts. I told him how I tried the bunny hills once and how much I hated it because I thought I'd break my legs. I noticed a scar on his lip and slowly ran my fingers across it. He told me how it happened. He was jumped by eight guys once and had to go to the hospital. They stitched him up and he could barely laugh for two weeks.

 

Then, in the midst of the busy, smokey bar, my head was spinning and all I wanted to do was to be closer. I kissed him as deeply as I could, for as long as he'd let me. Again. And again. "Are we supposed to be doing this here?" he asked. I laughed at him. "Of course we can!" Then the bartender leaned over the bar and yelled at someone to stop cursing. Then under my breath, "****, ****, *******." I thought it was funny. The bartender explained we could curse but just not loudly.

 

I couldn't finish my beer. So he finished it for me. By this point in time, I was drunk and he was too. I asked to have the tab pulled and told him I was paying. He told me he'd leave a tip and I declined. He didn't fight me. I told him he should stay because he obviously couldn't drive an hour like that. He agreed and told me he didn't have to work until 9 anyway.

 

I paid. We left. On the walk home, he asked for a cigarette and I gave him one. We walked very quickly, trying to beat time. I took him a different way into my building. Through the front. He said it was beautiful. We got inside. I checked my mail, and we proceeded to head to my apartment.

 

I remember him touching me and kissing me. There was no need to be quiet this time. He has a libido that matches mine in every way. 5 times? No problem. Any dissatisfaction I'd felt over these past two weeks faded away. Any passion I needed to feel, it was felt. He is, hands down, the best lover I've ever had.

 

I had to work in the morning. I remembered to set the alarm. I know I only got 2 hours of sleep. We had went at it for hours. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! It was over. My day would have to begin whether I wanted it to or not. I quickly jumped up. "That woke you up? It's so quiet."

 

I grabbed some clothes and dove for the bathroom, still foggy and tipsy. "Hey, come here. You still have time." I crawled back into my bed, next to him, and this beautiful man's skin just glowed. It was almost a golden color. We had sex again.

 

Afterwards, I began to hustle. The clock was winding down. He got dressed. I provided him with a toothbrush and toothpaste. He relaxed on my bed while watching me rush around. I didn't have time to shower...gross, I know. I just threw on some makeup, brushed my teeth, and even though the clock told me it was time to leave, I begged it to stop. I laid next to him and held him. I rubbed his head and snuggled up to him. "I want to see you again," I said. I know that's what I wanted. "We will see each other again soon." Never the planner. But his weekend was busy. He had to work and attend a graduation. We talked about school and my poor study habits.

 

My time was up. I grabbed a hoodie, my purse, observed the fact I'd never locked my front door. We walked down the hall and he told me he thought he had a big butt. A moment of childishness. He told me to feel how muscular it was. So I did, laughing.

 

We got to the exit. A sheet of water poured from the sky. I stopped him. "Well, it's pouring out there, so…" and I leaned into him and kissed him. Time stood still for me. I kissed him for a couple of minutes. I pulled away once, "These moments pass too quickly." And I kissed him once more. I swear, it felt like I'd made it to heaven. He asked me when he'd get to read my story about him. Haha, I can't believe I told him that. "When I see you again."

 

We walked outside and hugged in the rain. I jumped into my car and zoomed away. I laughed as I drove because I remember telling him I would run over Jesus to get to work. Then I looked down. I had his umbrella. I texted him telling him I'd stolen it. "On a day like this? Thanks. ;-)"

 

He told me to have a great day. I did. I felt so tired, but so cleansed and happy and content. I have never felt this way before. I've never had someone give me my power back, my zest for life, my natural smile, and grace. I feel so different. Isn't this how someone should make you feel? Shouldn't they lift you up? Make you better?

[mattny]

Wow. It sounds exactly like me! I lost track the first time we went at it...spent the night at my place after she came home off the late shift at the hospital (11pm) and we didnt stop til the sun came up. Her parents were pissed cuse they found out she wasnt at work (told them she was staying for OT til the morning and they saw her car in my driveway), but we kept doing it that way...ah the good times

 

You give me hope....that some day I'll be able to experience that all over again, because it seems most of us act in the very same manner!

 

Im really happy for you. After reading all of this, your spirit and demeanor have come a long way. And even if this is only temporary, I'll tell you right now that you'll find it again, because he sounds just like me. Guys like us are out there, chivalry is not dead

Edited May 17, 2014 by mattny

[LostInTheWild]

Haha Matt, those are the BEST days, aren't they? I miss it already. Like I told him, those moments pass too quickly.

 

Yesterday, after a long day of work, I came home. I looked around my place. I thought of him. I thought about our time together. I had thought about him all day. To the point of agitation if someone interrupted my thoughts. I was in a coma.

 

I started to tidy up when I found the back of an earring on my nightstand. "Crap," I thought, "did I lose my earrings?" The search began. I found both studs tangled up in my sheets along with the other back. "What the hell did we do last night? I lost my earrings!" I smiled briefly to myself. "We must have had a lot of fun." I checked around for my other jewelry. I had put it away, carefully, before anything happened to it.

 

I looked in the living room. There were two beer bottles on the coffee table. I looked at our picture. It really happened. For some reason, I'm having a really hard time believing any of this actually happened. It feels like I dreamed him up and he appeared only to change things within my life and within myself. It's just…so hard to believe it. So unreal. I met a perfect stranger who just swept me off my feet and into a lifestyle I never agreed to. Into positions I'd never thought of. Into passion I'd only imagined. Into the wild on a beautiful day where everything is green and colorful. Out of the darkness I've lingered in for so long. I want to be better. I want to smile. I want to believe that there are greater things for me in life.

 

I didn't last past 9. I passed out.

 

I woke up to being 27 years old today. I looked at my phone at 6 in the morning. A single "happy birthday" flashed across the screen. The player. I smirked. I'll get that one later. Back to bed for me!

 

I remember telling The European about my birthday. Would he wish me well? Will I hear from him again? I missed him already. I longed to see his name come up on my phone. I woke up at 11 in the morning this time. I checked my phone. My friends were wishing me well. Even my dad…he told me I'm turning into a great old lady and that he's proud of me. Thanks dad, lol. Nothing like the bitter burn of reality (gettin' old, f*ck yeah!). And to my surprise, my heart skipped a beat. "Happy birthday!!! All the best! Have a blast this weekend!!!! ;-)" my response, dry as always, "Haha, thank you!!! That's sweet. I will!!!! :D"

 

Guys, really, I have no idea what I should do about this. On one hand, I'm cool with everything. I've seen the guy two times. I'm not stupid. I know how these things go. But there is a part of me that wants to throw caution to the wind and continue seeing him. There is a part of me telling me it's okay to fall in love with him. There is a part of me telling me this is exactly the experience I need. Maybe I'm in denial, hoping something like this will lead somewhere. Nonetheless, I don't think it will be anything less than incredible. But still, my still somewhat cautious nature is holding down the brakes, taking it slow, being patient. Scared. Fearful.

 

Something tells me I will see him again. I'm sure two weeks from now, however, I'll probably pop up in my thread expressing my contempt and disappointment that I haven't yet. This is frustratingly pleasant, if that makes sense. A situation I hate being in but love enjoying at the same time. This is like driving a Ferrari encrusted in cow dung.

 

Ahh...more to come? Maybe.

Edited May 17, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[mattny]

Stop selling yourself short and enjoy. If you two fade out whats the big deal...you experienced something wonderful. Youll find it again. Dont jump in head first, but keep things at this pace.

 

Your emotions are running high right now, you have really amazing sex with him but feel it out when you two are NOT drinking. You sound a lot like my ex at this moment...we went out, drank the night away and just boinked each other like crazy every chance we got. She was fresh out of her first serious relationship (22, dated the same guy since 17), i showed her how much better a guy could be to her and she fell head over heels the 3rd night we spent together. Me being 27 at the time I was nieve too...dumped my current gf at the time after I had to make a choice between seeing her or my now current ex (yeah i was a douche). Amazing sex clouds judgement. I know it did for me lol because I still havent met anyone as good as her.

 

I know your feelings. Hell I had them too. Waking up the next morning, seeing her go home, spending the rest of that warm summer day thinking about her, sending text messages back and forth, dying to see each other again that evening. We'd go out for dinner, get a little buzz going (she was allergic to alcohol so just a little would get her flushed and all hot), and end up not even making it out of the parking lot without tearing each others clothes off (btw car sex is nuts, you have to try it ). Over the course of 5 years things tapered off but we still had a great time together both in and out of the bedroom. After the inital lust wore off we were able to really fit into each others lives and grow/learn together.

 

Does it feel natural for you? Like you can be yourself? Does your witty banter and jokes roll off your head and you always seem to have the right thing to say? Then thats a good sign....you have that chemistry and you have confidence in yourself.

 

Here we go down memory lane again baha!

[LostInTheWild]

My problem is I just don't know how he thinks or feels about this or me. I don't know what's going to happen…but I'm learning a few things about being patient and savoring the experience.

 

My problem is also the fact that I just don't know if I'll see him again. It's a full feeling, not an empty one, but it is so sucky to not know when you'll see someone again.

 

I guess it's not a big deal if I never see him again. He helped me. It just would make me feel bad to never be able to see what happens next.

[mattny]

My problem is I just don't know how he thinks or feels about this or me. I don't know what's going to happen…but I'm learning a few things about being patient and savoring the experience.

 

My problem is also the fact that I just don't know if I'll see him again. It's a full feeling, not an empty one, but it is so sucky to not know when you'll see someone again.

 

I guess it's not a big deal if I never see him again. He helped me. It just would make me feel bad to never be able to see what happens next.

 

if nothing happens next, then someone else will show up that will. Your confidence will radiate to others, remember that....sooner or later someone else will chase you .

 

People come into our lives for certain reasons. Not neccessarily to stay, but to alter our course of life forever. He might not be permanent but he helped you get out of that doom and gloom hole you were buried in for so long.

 

Did I think my ex was 'the one' for me? Of course. But after being single i realized she could never be...because I was too immature and needed to grow up, and she still had a few selfish characteristics. And im 31 btw.....we came together to get ourselves out of relationships that were poor choices (i would have been married to a woman living in Japan right now that gave me grief everyday, and she to her insecure overprotective and jealous bf), we grew together to become better people and then parted ways.

[mattny]

Oh and I suggest reading up on http://www.jamesmsama.com. Great blog. Followed him for a long time and always lots of wise advice.

[LostInTheWild]

I pulled out my dusty, professional wardrobe. I polished it off. I chose this and that and this and that. I have so many clothes.

 

Black or colorful? Which one is best?

 

I went with gray and black. I had too little time to figure it all out this morning.

 

I put on all of my makeup. The classics. I looked classic and normal today. Not like a piece of crap. Confidence surrounded me.

 

I figured I'd give the jeans a rest. It's time to look nice every day. Like I used to. In my former life with my ex. When I thought I had found most of my independence, my calling.

 

Shades on, car in gear, driving fast. On my way to work. Conquering the day.

 

I made great strides at work. I stayed to myself. I got my work done, almost to the point in which I couldn't see straight anymore.

 

On the drive home, I felt a sense of calm. Everything is okay. I have a lot to look forward to. But I still want to know what will happen next.

[mattny]

Life is a mystery. Stop worrying about tomorrow or the past and enjoy today to the fullest

 

Oh and I forgot to wish you a happy birthday :-/

 

Wish I could PM you but I think I need to reach a 200 post count first...

[LostInTheWild]

Haha Matt, you just have to become an established member first. It's not 200 posts.

 

Today began like any other day. Got up, took my time getting ready for work. Looked at my phone. Darkness. Not even my friends are texting me.

 

I'm having a lot of trouble staying awake these days late at night. I have to be in bed by 11:30. There is no way for me to function in the mornings if I don't. And it's hard fighting sleep now.

 

I'm still running. Running has made a huge difference in my mood. I'm calmer, more docile even, at work and in daily life. Driving is even less stressful even though I know I'll be late. I just let things pass, let it happen. Accept it.

 

Just like I'm accepting the fact that I'll probably never hear from this guy again. I look at my phone less. I'm just taking a "whatever" approach. I'm not going to delete anything this time. Not for a couple of weeks. Everything in me is telling me now is the time to back off, see what he does. If nothing happens on his accord, so be it. I'm giving up on dating for a while. I've had a crazy year. There really isn't much time left for me if I keep worrying about what someone says or does.

 

Now, the point I'm getting at here is that I'm calm. I'm happy with myself. I'm not bitter or angry, just tired.

 

All I can do is take care of número uno. Focus on my career, myself, and making the best out of it. Just live.

 

Sunglasses. Check. Top down on the car. Check. Endless stretch of road full of new beginnings. Check.

[mattny]

Please re-read said post of mine. Stop selling yourself short!!! Have a good time, thats all. If it doesnt pan out no biggie. Keep running/exercising...I do everyday for the most part. I like to sleep, why does it sound like you want to be awake after 11:30? Hell Ive been lounging in mine since 8:30! (Heavy squats at crossfit today and long day at work).

 

I wish I could sleep more. Getting up at 5am everyday sucks.

[LostInTheWild]

I like staying up late because I worked third shift for a couple of years. It gives me a sense of "getting enough of me."

 

I'm not going to stop taking care of myself. I just like explaining what I'm up to.

 

I wake up at 5:30 every day now, since the promotion. It's not easy, but I enjoy the benefits of getting home earlier in the day.

 

I am having "fun" and it may not sound like it at all. It just feels different this time, probably only because I want it to and it's probably only one-sided. It usually is in situations like these, and I know this because I am experienced in it.

 

Enough about him though. I'm moving on with my life. No more dating or anything regarding men. I'm done. If someone wants to pursue me, so be it. Otherwise, I'm going to live for myself and not for finding love. It just...doesn't seem to exist in my world. I'm finding myself to be more...okay...with that idea, of just being single.

 

And that's okay with me. I used to want to be married and have children and security, but why? There was no good reason for it. I still can't answer that. I just know that working on myself is probably the best angle I have right now. I won't meet anyone and I'm not going to search for anyone. My circle is pretty tight and secluded, so that is to be expected.

 

I'm done. Would I see him again? Of course, I can't deny the person who made me change so much. But will I see him again/hear from him again? Probably not. I just have this feeling. And you know what? It's OKAY.

 

I'm done chasing fantasies and I'm done being in love with love. It's beautiful and all, but it's unrealistic. One thing I can guarantee now is that you won't see a post from me saying I'm ashamed because I contacted him. I won't this time. I've made up my mind (and I flip-flop a lot, but once I truly decide, I follow through). No more.

 

I hardly even talk about him anymore with my friends. And tomorrow, if they ask me about him, I'll just tell them I don't want to talk about him again. They won't and I won't.

 

Now I have a gift he gave me. A taste for achieving my goals. I'll go out there and figure it out. Alone. And I'm fine with that.

 

I have my phone. The pictures of the moments I thought were surreal. The moments I thought never happened. But they did. And there is proof on my phone that life does offer second chances -- for change. And with change, comes happiness.

 

We will see...

 

 

And thank you for the happy birthday.

Edited May 21, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[mattny]

I like staying up late because I worked third shift for a couple of years. It gives me a sense of "getting enough of me."

 

I'm not going to stop taking care of myself. I just like explaining what I'm up to.

 

I wake up at 5:30 every day now, since the promotion. It's not easy, but I enjoy the benefits of getting home earlier in the day.

 

I am having "fun" and it may not sound like it at all. It just feels different this time, probably only because I want it to and it's probably only one-sided. It usually is in situations like these, and I know this because I am experienced in it.

 

Enough about him though. I'm moving on with my life. No more dating or anything regarding men. I'm done. If someone wants to pursue me, so be it. Otherwise, I'm going to live for myself and not for finding love. It just...doesn't seem to exist in my world. I'm finding myself to be more...okay...with that idea, of just being single.

 

And that's okay with me. I used to want to be married and have children and security, but why? There was no good reason for it. I still can't answer that. I just know that working on myself is probably the best angle I have right now. I won't meet anyone and I'm not going to search for anyone. My circle is pretty tight and secluded, so that is to be expected.

 

I'm done. Would I see him again? Of course, I can't deny the person who made me change so much. But will I see him again/hear from him again? Probably not. I just have this feeling. And you know what? It's OKAY.

 

I'm done chasing fantasies and I'm done being in love with love. It's beautiful and all, but it's unrealistic. One thing I can guarantee now is that you won't see a post from me saying I'm ashamed because I contacted him. I won't this time. I've made up my mind (and I flip-flop a lot, but once I truly decide, I follow through). No more.

 

I hardly even talk about him anymore with my friends. And tomorrow, if they ask me about him, I'll just tell them I don't want to talk about him again. They won't and I won't.

 

Now I have a gift he gave me. A taste for achieving my goals. I'll go out there and figure it out. Alone. And I'm fine with that.

 

I have my phone. The pictures of the moments I thought were surreal. The moments I thought never happened. But they did. And there is proof on my phone that life does offer second chances -- for change. And with change, comes happiness.

 

We will see...

 

 

And thank you for the happy birthday.

 

Good take on it. Do you. As they always say it will happen when you least expect it. I can tell your tone/attitude just by how you write. I picked up very well on my ex's messages/texting, I could always tell if she was having a bad day at work or something bothered her. Youre a little peeved that hes not hitting you up everyday. And it is true, if they are seriously interested they will make the time to contact/spend with you.

 

But its all good dont write off love, I havent even though i feel like it sometimes. I just look at this gap as time to get my 911 and my house and get myself out of debt. This way if no one comes along, no biggie, I have other things to occupy my time