Lost In The Wild

[jphcbpa]

 

No more dating or anything regarding men. I'm done. If someone wants to pursue me, so be it. Otherwise, I'm going to live for myself and not for finding love. It just...doesn't seem to exist in my world. I'm finding myself to be more...okay...with that idea, of just being single.

 

 

I'm done chasing fantasies and I'm done being in love with love. It's beautiful and all, but it's unrealistic.

 

Good jumping off place to be. Enjoy the free fall.

[LostInTheWild]

Yep, maybe I am a little peeved, but then again, I've learned I don't really like someone up my ass all the time anyway. But asking how I'm doing once in a while or setting up plans isn't a hard task to complete.

 

I have my answer. And I will enjoy the free fall.

[LostInTheWild]

I got up and showered. I hurried through my routine. I boiled eggs for breakfast and before I left, shoved them into a paper towel. I chucked them into my purse.

 

I approached the exit to my building. I flung open the door and rain came down, drop by drop. I looked into the sky. More memories.

 

I got into my car and hurried off to work.

 

My trainee was absent today, unexpectedly. No phone call, nothing. This sort of upset me because I'm expected to fill in for him. I don't want to leave my old department in a bad way, so I did a little bit of his work. I'm noticing now that he seems overwhelmed and I'm hoping he didn't quit the job. I'm hoping he just had to have his appendix removed, but why not call us to say so? Or have someone else do it? My friends thought I was a bad person in thinking that way but anywhere else in this country, you'd be fired...quickly.

 

So, the rain continued throughout the day. I kind of stayed to myself, even in the company of my friend. I'm glad she has plenty to talk about because I'm mostly in my head these days, distracted. I don't know what I think about anymore. Nothing? No, I just look out into the farmlands surrounding the building, chain smoke, and ponder the day. I've become very quiet. There isn't much going on in my life. And there isn't much to say.

 

I feel like a horse that has been broken. The spirit is there, but the horse just becomes obedient and accepting. This is what life is supposed to be like, the horse thinks. And it just goes with it. Work and work, home, work and work.

 

I'm supposed to go to D.C. with my father on Sunday. It should be a nice outing. Afterwards, I'm off for the next couple of days. I kind of wish I had to work because otherwise, I'll just be standing in the field, grazing, content, and bored. My friends don't do anything. I might as well join them in that pursuit. The one friend who would is going away. So alone I will be.

[LostInTheWild]

So, my dad called me. I was in the shower washing my hair. Cool.

 

Thought I'd call him back and see what time we would be leaving on Sunday. 7 in the morning. Wow...Not really cool in my book. But okay, it makes him happy.

 

He has had the chance to observe my friend a couple of times and you know, she is a beautiful, successful woman. Even more so than I. She has a beauty that many American men can't get enough of. And that is cool in my book. I never feel less than her. That was until tonight.

 

"You know your friend that you brought over here a couple of times? Well, I was wondering if she'd be interested in meeting [so and so]. She can get married and have children, [etc]."

 

She will not be in town this weekend. She is not interested in those types of men. She is older than the proposed. My father has a younger friend

(younger than her) and another friend he wants to set her up with.

 

I told him all of this. What she is looking for, what she is up to, etc. Great. I told him I'd ask her about it and I will. She should have opportunities to meet new interests.

 

But then, "Hey dad, you know I'm single, right? What about me? Don't you want to see me get married and have children and all that?"

 

"Of course I do. I just can't set my daughter up with anyone."

 

So, I have a box of wine. I drank more tonight than I have in a long time. I'm beginning to think I'm a functioning alcoholic. I have to work in the morning and yet, I can't stop drinking.

 

Everything has just failed and that is what my father has to ask me about?

I owe the government money for college. I've messed around for so long they won't pay the way anymore. I'm in debt. I'm struggling. I want to live beyond my means, and I do in some ways. But for some reason, the well being of his friend's relationships is what he calls on me for? Because I have a beautiful friend?

 

Sip, sip. This is why I drink. Not only because of my parents, but because of myself. My inabilities to decide. My lost demeanor. I'm not good enough for someone to choose.

 

I'm sure he didn't mean it the way I took it. It's just...he has no idea what is on my plate right now.

 

There will soon be a time I won't be posting in this thread anymore. I'm tired of being cold in here. I'm tired of the great nothingness, full of hamster cages and wheels I'm expected to run on.

 

My freedom was there, but it vanished and it's gone. There will be nobody to make everything all better after a long day, nobody to kiss me on the midnight street and make me happy, nobody there to convince me I'm wrong.

 

Sure, I can tap into self-reliance like I usually do. I'm just tired of having to do that. I guess I'm more relationship-oriented. I like having someone to think about during the day.

 

It's okay, though, as depressing as this sounds, maybe something bright will come of it. Even though I might not think so. I'm sick of dealing with blows from other people. Do I seem okay enough to hook up friends? I don't think so. Shows how much my parents actually know about me.

 

Shows how much my friends know. Shows how much I know.

 

I can feel a winding down within myself now. Like I've adopted a careless attitude. And that's fine. But, I'm afraid I won't care anymore one day. And someone will say one thing, like this, that just changes everything I thought I knew.

 

That one day, I will decide, life just might not be worth fighting for anymore. I'm already halfway there. I have this weekend to look forward to, but after that? Probably more nothing. I have four days off. I'll figure it out.

 

Until then, I'm sure I won't have anything to write about.

Edited May 22, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[mattny]

Its the weather getting you down lol....but kinda messed up your dad would try to set youe friend up over you? Sounds odd.

 

Keep your head up. Dont walk out of here just yet! Gives me somethin to look forward to while I sit through my morning briefings haha.

 

Too bad you dont live closer to NYC. So much to do here.

[redbaron005]

 

I feel like a horse that has been broken. The spirit is there, but the horse just becomes obedient and accepting. This is what life is supposed to be like, the horse thinks. And it just goes with it. Work and work, home, work and work.

 

I'm supposed to go to D.C. with my father on Sunday. It should be a nice outing.

 

I'd bet on that horse. Enjoy the trip down to the district.

[LostInTheWild]

Hey Red! I thought you'd given up on me. It's nice to see your name pop up. Didn't expect that!

 

And Matt, NYC is too cold of a world for me. I can't stand bums sleeping in the streets. I would want to help everyone. And everyone who has means, living there, just ignores it. It's too sad. And I also hate that you have to be early for everything or you could waste a day standing in line for an event. It is beautiful, but not a place I'd like to visit over and over.

 

Anyway, today I've accepted defeat in the dating world and deleted all information from the site that is supposed to help me find a man to be with. That felt pretty good and since I've been ignoring it for about a month anyway, I figured it was time.

 

I've also acknowledged my agitation with things. The things my father asked of me, the petty spats at work, the fact that I won't hear from the European again. I am pretty damn mad.

 

So, I tried to find ways around it. My father is a man, trying to help out a friend of the family who, I think, wishes he was his own son. My father always told me he wanted a boy, but he got me instead. Thank god for that because I'd make one hell of an ugly man (although the thought of having a sex change crosses my mind from time-to-time when I'm mad at men in general...if you can't beat them, join them). But he's my dad and I know he'd give me the beating heart out of his chest if it meant saving my life. He is forgiven.

 

My coworker showed up for work today. I don't know what happened, but he didn't have surgery. A no call, no show. It pissed me off. So, I was standing in the break room talking about this with my friend who agreed with me when a manager came in and tried to stay out of the conversation, but he couldn't. Today may have been the day for the best advice I've ever gotten. So simple, so true, and so right. It can be applied to anything. This man is smart and I trust what he says. He is, after all, a manager. "What other people do doesn't have to affect you. It only does if you let it. Then they have power over you." I pondered that while he said it and it made perfect sense. I don't have to be upset with my coworker. It isn't my business. And I should trust in my previous manager's judgment. So we had another great training session today and I was far more friendly and patient with him. I told him he was doing a great job. I think that made him feel good because he didn't think he was.

 

Work has been calmer for me. I had some time to visit my crew and joke around. It was nice knowing they were still there. It was nice seeing them more than once in a day. Any issues I had, I felt great, because I stayed on top of them and conquered them. I won today. And I think everyone noticed. I even smiled while doing it.

 

Smiling has been hard lately. I'm starting to have trouble in appreciating the small things. I'm so wrapped up in my head I just can't seem to break free of it all. Not knowing what will happen creates anxiety within me, to my core, such insecurity. Knowing what will happen brings me sadness, instability, and restless nights alone. I have my answer here. I gave my power away to him, my thoughts, my feelings, my energy and hope. The bright, vibrant energy he gave me is fading away now and I'm settling back into reality. Knowing what it was, knowing what it is, knowing what isn't going to happen. That's what I thought about as the manager said these things to us.

 

I've developed a three-step process to ditch an a**hole in light of my new found knowledge (or rather, to stop looking at my phone that never sends me notifications of a hottie wanting to see me, why does it do that anyway?):

 

1. Pull out old, crusty, dusty iPod.

 

2. Charge the b*tch up because it's been lying dead in a drawer for two years.

 

3. Leave my iPhone at the house and check it twice a day: once in the morning and once before bed. Use iPod for music at all points in the day.

 

This should eliminate all problems I've been having with checking my phone for that "special" message that's never going to come (Hey, want sex? Kidding, he never asks that). Or maybe it will, but I'll be too busy to reply because the phone is going to sit on the charger day-in and day-out. I don't need it anyway. I have a phone at my desk at work, and if I have to call someone, then I will. Back to being old-fashioned until my light grieving period ends.

 

I just can't understand it. I never will, but that is how life is, I guess. Whether I want to accept it or not. I have no choice but to...and reclaim my power that I gave away, unfortunately.

Edited May 22, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[mattny]

You and I would have conversations til all hours of the morning on this stuff .

 

Your manager is right. It doesnt have to bother you if you dont let it. But sometimes thats the hardest part of the struggle. Emotions / feelings get pulled into it and it makes it that much harder.

 

I know that feeling all too well. Its a struggle of mine that I fight with everyday, and I dont know why. Maybe its cuse I never really had any good friends in school, was not part of the in crowd, and didnt play any sports. Maybe its the issue that my ex left me cuse I was down on my luck and shes dating a guy now whos family is loaded, have a house in Delray FL, and her bf goes to tuxedo affairs and takes pics with Michael Bloomberg. Or maybe its my dad who always shot down my ideas and said I was never doing anything right or criticized me ...and here I am at 31 still trying to figure **** out. Trying to be happy on my own is tough. I have a great career going for me, it will take me a little while to get back on my feet but I should be happy, and somehow Im not.

 

I know youve accepted it, you have feelings but your heart seems to be numb to it all. We both row the same boat. Will it ever reach shore? Who knows. But for now what you are doing is good...keep yourself occupied. Fake it til you make it.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, another delightfully, dreadful day that sucked.

 

I got out of work early, which rocked, but I found my new position to be rather slow. It really does entirely depend on our customers, which I don't like. But I do like being involved in operations.

 

So now that work has let out, I have my whole 4 days off. What the hell will I do?

 

I sat outside for an hour enjoying some beers in the daylight. I am now inside sitting here, enjoying some beers inside. My wing woman is out of town. I'm going to D.C. on Sunday and asked another friend to do something.

 

But really, what the hell will I do tomorrow? Monday? Tuesday? Just...not work I guess.

[LostInTheWild]

The cooling embers of the sunlight are recharging for a new day. Uncertainty fills the air for all animals on the planet. Especially for me.

 

I linger around my complex and the shades of dark begin to fall. The gym is dark, the mail room is lit with huge lamps so you don't steal other people's mail, the clubroom is open, but it remains dark inside, and still, it is beautiful outside.

 

It is dead around here. Nothing is going on. If I wanted to, I could join the local crown for a few drinks and happen upon some stranger who found me unlucky enough to forget the next day.

 

I choose against that scenario.

 

I have an awesome dress I've been wanting, craving, to wear. For the right place at the right time. I try it on for size and since I've lost about 8 pounds now, it seems to fit just right. I wouldn't be embarrassed to flash it somewhere. I wouldn't be embarrassed to show my body anymore.

 

I want to go dancing, but there is no one around who will or who can. I'm sure the European would have if he were around. Speaking of which, upon some advice, to know once and for all, excluding my flip-flopping trends of I'll do this and that's, I did wind up texting him despite my inner calls for relieving him of me once and for all. You know what?

 

He was friendly as usual. Up until I asked him if he had off on Monday and if he did, he had the option of hanging out with me. I haven't heard from him since 2 PM. I guess that's a hell no? Okay, well, I figure I have my answer now (and thank you, friend, for that one -- you know who you are, and no sarcasm, really, because NOW I actually know -- found out for myself).

 

And that was it. I sent the text, and it's over. I'm guessing not another man could handle my psychotic ass. So, booty is out of business for the next several years.

 

I felt the shutdown occur today. I felt okay. I felt fine with what I had going on. I felt okay making money. I feel okay with having Tuesday to myself. But everything seemed...centered around him. I felt okay with that, too.

 

I'm hooked. But now it depends on whether or not I receive a text. Today is okay. Sunday...it's not. If I'm left hanging, with my jokes included, then I REALLY know. I know what it is, what it means, and where I stand.

 

After getting my answer of silence, I'll know what will really happen. Then I'm truly done.

[mattny]

Psychotic ass? Up until now it seems contact between you and him is normal. Why would he consider you to be crazy?

 

Im not the type of guy to bed a woman the first night or two out. I did that back in my player days. Landed my first gf like that, and multiple hookups before her (and some during). Its not fun when you get texts from a girl who wants to hang out and you have to figure out ways to let her down easy and hope she gets the hint you dont want to see her. After my own heart got broken and getting a taste of my own medicine I realized how ****ed up I was hurting others. My parents didnt raise me that way.

 

If it ends, you had fun. Look at it that way

[LostInTheWild]

I have an army of umbrellas. All different colors and sizes. The problem arises when my umbrellas are in my car or at home when it rains. It was pouring last Friday, so I reached into my car for his. The bitch is broken. It's an automatic but it's missing the button. I used mine instead that day.

 

So I've been holding on to a busted umbrella, hoping to be able to give it back. This morning, time expired for a response and for my longing. I reached into the car and pulled it out. I noticed my high heels were in there as well, so it was perfect timing.

 

I observed the cheapness of the umbrella, since, I am after all an umbrella connoisseur. Black, basic, cheap, no life or interest to it. The strap to hold it was broken.

 

We have a trash compactor here, quite suitable for this type of garbage. I remember when my ex left me, I cleaned out storage. There was so much of his crap in there. Well, he left some Christmas decorations in there that he bought. A small Christmas tree and a glitter-dusted, porcelain teddy bear. I chucked them into the trash compactor at the right moment. I was slowly sauntering back into the building and heard the trash compactor activate. "Mmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeee......CRRRUUUNNNCCCHH!!" Perfect timing. Thank you, trash compactor. I felt great that night. Even chuckled.

 

That's where the umbrella met it's end. I opened the gateway and launched it in with the stinky garbage. I didn't get the same result, however, so I was disappointed.

 

The weight has been lifted. And compacted with the rest of the trash. Tomorrow is a new day and will be a better one.

[LostInTheWild]

Well, um, I'm not quite sure how to say this, but...the poor umbrella...I feel so guilty, LOL.

 

A few hours after it met it's fateful end with the stinky trash compactor, I received this (and this never freakin' happens to me -- ever):

 

"Sorry last afternoon was hectic with getting ready and stuff...I'm at the airport waiting for the next flight since I didn't get on the morning one (I'm flying standby). I'm coming back on Sunday night and I'll be staying at a friend's place in Arlington and he got the baseball tickets for us for a Monday game. What day did you have in mind to get together?"

 

Well, ****. This is embarrassing. This will alternate between me and him.

 

"Ooo that sounds like fun. Who's playing? Have fun at the wedding (although I'm not sure how fun that is for a dude...I do like receptions but I broke some antique thing last time)! I am off on Tuesday as well. You free that day?"

 

"Thanks. It's the Nationals baseball game. I'm working on Tuesday. You lucky! That's a really nice extended weekend."

 

"Yeah, I take my vacation around holidays so I don't waste it. But yeah, you aren't working all night are you?"

 

"No. I think I should get off work by 6pm. With our work, you never know...I don't wanna commit and then to stand you up. Let's play it by ear. Are you in DC already?"

 

"Not yet. 7am is when I make my way down there. Today I'm working on putting my book together [never happened] . Well, if you're able to do Tuesday, which way would you like to do it? Me there or you here? ;)"

 

This part shocked me a little bit. It's the most suggestive thing he's ever said in text.

 

"Either way. I would like you to come down here but on the other hand, we would have more privacy there..."

 

"Good point. Maybe you should come here. I like not having to be quiet [i chuckled as I typed this up] I'll get you gas or something."

 

"Get out of here! :-)"

 

"Lmao"

 

"Let's put Tuesday as tentative. Can you do other days in a week later afternoon? Just in case..."

 

"Are you busy Friday? I also enjoy sober days at work. LOL"

 

"I know. I think there's a birthday party and I work Saturday. We don't have to go too crazy :-)"

 

"Okay. Thursday is your other option. LOL."

 

"Good! I like options!! :-) Let's go with that."

 

"Haha"

 

"Are you getting on Harley tomorrow?"

 

"Yeah...you like bikes?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"I'll send you a picture. :o"

 

"Do it!"

 

"Tomorrow, LOL. It's my dad's. If I see anything cool in DC I'll send ya that too."

 

"Sounds good!!! Enjoy it and be safe!!!"

 

"I will! You do the same. ;)"

 

"Thanks! I will talk to you soon!"

 

So, now I owe the man an umbrella. It was too late to crawl through the garbage to retrieve it (and I wouldn't anyway...ew) and...he may still cancel on me.

 

The part that made me happy about this, and readers wouldn't know because I haven't been detailing conversations like this (it's annoying), is this is one of the "warmer" conversations we have had through text.

 

I did get a picture of my dad's bike for him, but unfortunately, I arrived at my parent's house around 7, walked in, and my mom says, "Your dad has something to tell you." I'm like, oh great, now what?

 

He came around the corner in the hallway, "Everyone canceled the trip. There is nobody to ride down with, so I'm going to take my baby to breakfast instead."

 

It was a three-hour trip. I was mildly disappointed since, well, what the hell was I going to do with the rest of the day? Breakfast was nourishing at a local diner near his job he retired from. Froze to death on the ride there on the bike, but it was an all-around fun time. My dad did get me a rockin' scarf I can't wait to wear. I hung around their house for a couple of hours upon our return. They never want to let me leave, but I was tired and wanted to get my nails done. I did just that. And I am so proud of my nail technician. I have a new look. Then I went to the store, returned some shoes.

 

Planning on running a little bit later. But, it wasn't a bad day. It was just disappointing. I wake up early every day I work, you know? I could have kept my behind in bed.

 

Re: Psychotic -- throwing away people's stuff.

Edited May 25, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

It's amazing how much my parent's health and mindsets have deteriorated. They need each other now. My mom thinks I text and drive at the same time because I sent her a text during a pit stop to grab coffee. Instead of asking, she assumes.

 

She has always been controlling of me and I have and continue to rebel against her. But now I wonder what for? I have had points in time where I had to get nasty with her in order to get a point across. Her way is the only "right" way and instead of allowing me to make mistakes, she always thinks she has the perfect solution: "I know you text and drive. Don't tell me you don't because I KNOW you do. DON'T DO IT!" Well: "How would you know? And even if I wanted to, I would! You can't stop me. [Raising arm] If I wanted to I would be like this while I drive. But I don't!!!" I have to laugh now because I'm so far out of her control now, she has no clue. I am an adult and although I know she says those things because she cares, it's insulting that she thinks I have no common sense, for instance, wearing my seat belt, spending my money, letting men walk all over me (she advocates this, "Why did you let him leave?!").

 

My dad, on the other hand, is the saner of the two and he usually let's me fall down. When I fall, he's there to pick me up, how I think parenting is supposed to be. Mom doesn't want me to fall; dad says, "Go for it!"

 

It's funny watching them joke around with each other now. They've spent almost 30 years together and have so many inside jokes and memories I never knew about. They're cute together now. That wasn't so as a child. It was quite an abusive household and my father openly cheated on my mother (and in front of me), which could possibly explain why I choose unavailable men, abusive men, and needy men. It could also explain why I really don't care about anything except for my job which sustains my lifestyle. Could care less.

 

They bought me breakfast and had the veteran's special for themselves. A nice outing, I think. When we arrived back at their house, I cleaned my car for the last time in their driveway. They are moving next weekend, over an hour away from me, away from everyone. I suspect things will continue to deteriorate from there. It will cost me too much money and wear and tear on my car to drive that every week. And I still believe them moving like this is a poor choice on their part, but hey, I'm a dumb, nonsensical child in my mother's eyes anyway. God forbid I should never wear my seat belt (after all the car accidents I've been in, you'd think she would know that I do).

 

I will run today, in the stunning heat, for the first time this year. I usually run at night. I'm opting to show my stomach for the first time ever while I run because it is so hot. This is something I've never done and have never been brave enough to do, even when I was a complete toothpick. And I'm almost down to 115 pounds (YES!). Think I'll take it down another 5 pounds (I'm short anyhow, so I can afford it).

 

Later, I think I'll join in on a cookout, although the breakfast still has me reeling. I ate so many carbs and am still feeling full. But the day is beautiful and I don't want to waste it for anything.

 

I have to go to the laundromat to wash blankets. That won't be fun. And a few quick wipe-downs of furniture and a cleansing vacuum should have my place ready for men. I like this: it keeps my apartment clean. Tomorrow I may have a different story to tell. Tomorrow, anything is possible. But for some reason, I'm really looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time. And...I have no idea what will happen. Yes? Or no? Eat? Or not? Will I be treated the same way as always if he comes? Will I be treated differently? More coldly? Or will he just cancel altogether?

 

I ask too many questions. And I never get the answers I seek. Why don't I have a crystal ball?

[mattny]

You think too much. Lol

 

Then again if I wrote down everything I thought about today, it would prolly be long and repetitive.

 

I worked out this morning at my box. Did the 'Murph' workout in honor of Sgt Michael Murphy, Navy SEAL who died in Afghanistan in 2005. 1 mile run, 100 pullups, 200 pushups, 300 air squats, and another mile run. Did it with a 20lb weighted vest. Slower than last years time but it was a lot harder and I needed to push myself...and it was hot too!

 

I feel your pain with your parents. Even the older of my two sisters gets on my nerves with her constant negative attitude. I have remained calm as possible through those moments.

 

I went out and got drunk saturday night at a friends house because her and her husband were screaming at each other and I just couldnt get any peace and quiet. While at my friends place we went over my ex (again) and she couldnt believe I dont get upset seeing her in the gym.

 

"I know you still think about her and youre pissed."

 

I told her I wasnt. I wasnt happy, wasnt sad, wasnt angry. I was grateful. Grateful in the sense she allowed me to feel what love was like. We arent together because its a product of our decisions and lack of communication. I accept my downfall. I had to lose her in order to grow myself. I also realized I lost who I was as a person. My friend would ask me "who is Matt?" and trying to describe myself ended up showing me I dont know who I am anymore. My personality, my characteristics, I had to sit back and think because I wasnt sure how to explain me without relating to objects like cars or the gym.

 

Same goes for you. Your parents are moving away. Its time for you to adapt and grow. Youll figure a way around it to deal. European may or may not see you again. You dont NEED him. But its ok to WANT him.

 

I havent come across anyone in the last 8months who really caught me by surprise. But as my friend says, go out and just ****. **** as many girls/guys as you want. Get it out of your system. But I dont have that desire to. Id rather just do me and chill.

[LostInTheWild]

There are many recipes for laughter. There are many reasons to dance. And there are many reasons to be joyful. Yesterday, on my day off, I found many.

 

I woke up expecting a text from the European. There were none. So I continued to clean and do my thing as if I would hear from him and as if he would be visiting. Then I get a text from my friend asking me to hang out. I went running and I headed over after I texted him.

 

It was nice seeing her and her toddler. I missed her company. I just never realized how much I'm grateful to have her in my life. Her child came up to me and handed me a shoe while I was texting and without realizing that this was a baby and not a dog, I threw the shoe thinking that she wanted to play fetch. When she walked over to pick up the shoe, I heard my friend burst into laughter. "It's okay, you're not used to children!" Only realizing what I had done, I started laughing out of embarrassment until I cried and apologized profusely. It was hilarious.

 

Upon parting so I could return home to get ready, she told me not to follow the "rules" of dating. They are completely pointless. Everyone is different and every situation is different. This is just how things are supposed to go for he and I. It was a breath of fresh air to hear that it's okay to contact him. Another form of relief for me. I didn't feel pathetic after that.

 

Meanwhile, he responded. He would be able to make it. I was ecstatic. My body craved him. My heart smiled. My face smiled. I would see him again.

 

I returned home to prepare. I didn't know how to dress. I didn't know how to do my makeup. I didn't know how to act. I somehow pulled it off.

 

I stood outside after I received a text saying he'd be arriving. I heard him walk up and pass around the corner. My heart raced. He approached me holding some beer he'd asked if I wanted. He leaned in to kiss me. I tried to keep it cool. I led him upstairs for a drink before we would leave for some food.

 

We had a great conversation. One I won't forget. One that allowed me to understand him better and figure out who he was.

Edited May 28, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

We talked about a broad range of topics. I find his life to be fascinating; not at all like the typical person I'd run into on a day-to-day basis. It started off a bit uncomfortable, for me, and I'm still not sure why. I just went with it and tried to shake off any type of feelings I started to feel.

 

I told him my story about my friend's child and how I threw her shoe so she'd fetch it. We both laughed for a while about that one and he fired one right back: he whistled for someone's kid to come to him and was met with a shaming-fest from her mother.

 

I decided to spill the beans on one thing I know guys think I'm psychotic for doing, just to see how he'd react. I pulled out my phone with videos and pictures and told him the story of how I raised a baby raccoon a couple of years ago. Instead of giving me the hairy eyebrow, he seemed really interested -- an animal lover, like myself. And he had a story, too. His brother found a predatory bird and they raised it, feeding it ground beef every day up until it finally flew away, but scared some folks in the process sice they kept it on the balcony of their condo.

 

He remarked on my oversized windows and I joked with him telling him that was the reason I didn't have curtains, only blinds. He loves the high ceilings in my place and makes fun of how short I am compared to it. He told me about his friend and how he was thinking about throwing him a graduation party. I thought what was most endearing about that was he asked me if it was a custom in our culture to do that. "Of course! This is 'Merica. You can do whatever the hell you want!"

 

He doesn't mind my cursing. He doesn't mind my driving (aggressive). I even had some guy in a huge pickup truck racing me in my tiny car. I smirked as I sped up, flying through the dark city heading to the bar to get food, "That guy has a small penis." And we both started laughing. I had a blast. I turned up my music and danced as I drove. I sang. I just started to be more...of myself. And I think he enjoyed ME as a person.

[mattny]

Glad to see youre having a good time

[LostInTheWild]

We arrived and he waited for me outside while I smoked. I looked up at him and smiled while we talked about how much to drink, the bar, the food, everything. I remember laughing a lot.

 

We went inside and I was surprised that it wasn't as packed as I thought it would be. I chose a corner booth and when he reached to grab chair I pointed to the spot next to me, where he wound up sitting.

 

We browsed the menu of drinks and food. We talked so much the waitress had to come back three times to take our order. She seemed irritated and gave us the standard, "Yeah, that's a good choice!" when we asked her about one of our selections.

 

The appetizer came and we chowed down like it was nobody's business. He instructed me to put as much dip on the few pieces of bread we had as possible, so as to not waste the dip, LOL. By this point in time, I was a little bit tipsy, but I think he was more drunk than me. I can't remember ever laughing so much because it just felt right.

 

When we got our food, I tried his; he tried mine. I tried to feed him mine because I was so stuffed from the dip. Then we sat through another round of drinks. I felt like a teenager again, having the time of my life like I didn't have to wake up for work the next day. I remember showing him what I carried in my purse (for what reason, I don't know), kissing, and talking some more. When it came time for the bill...he wouldn't let me pay again. So I let him. And when he couldn't figure out the tip (HAHA) I told him I tip $5.00. He wound up tipping too much and he asked me if I thought it was. "Well, you can just tell yourself you're tipping her because she has a nice ass." He laughed, "Well, I guess I have to look at it now!" Oh boy, it was fun.

 

We left. I couldn't figure out the right way to take to get home. I finally figured it out (I don't usually go to that place). And then, before I knew it, we had arrived.

 

We hiked up the stairs and through the long hallway to my apartment. We were going to get some beer to take with us downstairs, to play some pool. He went to the kitchen to grab two. He didn't want me to drink too much since I had to be up early and I had told him I didn't want to forget anything about this night. He approached me in my living room. I kissed him and before I knew it his hands were all over me and my legs were wrapped around him. "Do you still want to play pool?" he managed to ask as he pulled away. "Yes! We should!" I slid down his body and regained my composure.

 

To play pool, we went.

[LostInTheWild]

He beat me in pool.

 

"Don't you know that you're supposed to let the woman win?"

 

"It's okay, let's just clear the table now!"

 

We had a really, really good time. It felt like I had known him for a long time. Or, rather, like I was starting to see something I liked in another person. Qualities that are hidden so deeply and buried under so many layers of mystery. Nothing he did made me raise an eyebrow. There were no doubts when I was with him. It was like all of my thought processes stopped and I could just...LIVE.

 

Of course we all know what happened next. Our bodies entwined and beauty unfolded throughout the night. I have never felt so much pleasure, passion, and fulfillment. Ever. On this night, I gave myself to him as if he were the only person in the world I could ever imagine being with again. Like each time would be my last time.

 

He woke up early in the morning. I'd say around 3 o'clock. Light disturbances awaken me. I thought he was going to leave me there, sleeping. "Do you have some water? I'm really dehydrated." I went and grabbed him some water and he thanked me. I rubbed his head for a while so he could go back to sleep, a moment I wish would have lasted, a moment where I can still remember how it felt for me and how his hair felt in my hands. Another 15 minutes went by and I could feel his body behind mine, spooning me. He held me tightly. His hand slowly trailed the tattoo that extends from my hip to my side and onto my stomach. I trembled. I turned to look at his face; he was watching my body. The blinds were up and the sun was struggling to make an appearance for the day, so we could see. I turned away and he kissed my shoulder. It was on. Then we fell back to sleep.

 

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! That sound of reality hitting me like a sack of bricks. It was over again. Instead of him telling me I had time, I told him I had time and made time. And it was great. I even got to shower and dressed up for the day.

 

He sat and waited patiently for me on my sofa. I made a quick appearance in the living room and watched him play on his phone. "Are you ready to go?" he asked. "No, I still have to do my makeup." And patiently, he sat.

 

I came out, ready to go, feeling refreshed, feeling sad, feeling like I wanted to see him again no matter what it would mean for me in the future. We walked outside and this time, I had my wits about me. I made sure that I wouldn't ask to see him again. We kissed each other goodbye.

 

"You know, I think I will plan that graduation party. If I do, maybe you should come. It took my friend about six or seven years to finally graduate. He deserves a party."

 

"I'd really like that. I'd like to see him again. And I look forward to seeing you again."

 

"I do too."

 

And he motioned a kiss for me in the air as he got in his car. I returned it and hopped into mine.

 

***

 

At work, everyone loved the dress I wore. I was just happy and content. I felt like a dirty penny that had been brushed off and polished. Anew.

 

A couple of my friends said I looked disheveled, like I had had a long night. A good one, but a long one. I consulted the relationship master and guru, my friend who just returned from his honeymoon. "It sounds like you're having a lot of fun. It seems like it's on the right track, take it slow, you know? Go for it. See what happens. And you know what? You're glowing."

 

He is always right. But this is the first time I had heard this from anyone. I have never heard anyone tell me I was glowing. I went to the bathroom and smiled in the mirror. I was. My eyes were tired, but there was something there. Like an animal you wouldn't kill because it looked right into you. Life. I held onto that special something...that liveliness. And at my desk, in the slowness of the day, I smiled to myself.

 

Today, I felt the same way, but full of fear. Fear that I wouldn't see him again and fear that I would never have the opportunity to feel this way again. Fear that I would lose him.

 

I went to therapy and told her what happened. "Go for it. You're not living if you're not taking risks. And if it doesn't work out, you'll find a way to start over, just like the last time." Nobody can tell me what I want to hear now. It was so easy when I was dating other guys. I had actions and text messages. I had a lot of things to go on. I had analyzed everything down to the way they ate and HOW they said things and HOW they held or didn't hold doors for me. This time...it is different.

 

Not even my ex, who I was in love with for a large portion of my life, ever -- EVER -- made me feel this way. He never kissed me this way. It was never this passionate. It was never anything like this. And I am terrified.

 

After work, he texted me a funny picture. I was shocked and elated. He is beginning to think of me now.

 

I'm on the edge here. I know what it could mean if I continue to see him, but I don't know the future or what it holds. All I know is...what I can barely admit to myself. I am falling for him. I'd rather hide in a hole than tell anyone that...but, if I see him again and feel this way again, I know I'll be in love, maybe I am now and just can't identify it. I never thought I'd find it again. Not after a month and not with someone who can't sustain a relationship. Not like this. I don't want to suffer and be a glutton for punishment (as my friend once told me). Men have hurt me, they have hurt my ego, and tarnished my opinion of everything. But this one...even if I'm secretly scrawling disappointed posts about him, he is different. There is only light, even when there is dark. I can't explain this feeling that I have. That he gave me. The passion. The excitement. The curiosity. Everything...all in one...

 

I just wish I knew what he thought of me.

 

 

[mattny]

Dont rely on him for your happiness. Be happy for what you have now, because tomorrow its not gaurenteed . Be happy hes there to come along for the ride

 

Your nights sound exactly like mine used to be. Memories haha!

[LostInTheWild]

That's the thing...I am happy. I'm not relying on him to make me happy. It might sound like it, but the distance gives me independence and makes me want to see him more.

 

I know I have fun with him and it's uplifting and touching to be around him. But…my reality check: it's probably not going anywhere anyway. I am just getting my hopes up. I will be let down in some way, that's for sure. But I want to keep seeing him. I want to feel these feelings that he makes me feel. But I won't say anything. I'll just let it flow. I'll let the future take me to wherever it is I'm going. And he can be the bright spot in my life when I do see him.

 

I am worried that one day he will look at me and see it in my eyes. I confessed to one of my friends how he makes me feel and that I might be falling for him. A look of horror washed over his face and he told me to stop. But I can't.

 

And I'm glad you find something to relate to. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

[mattny]

So howd the rest of your weekend go?

 

I got to listen to several friends stories and even found out a few things about my own family that I was kept hush hush from.....and on both ends of the spectrum (male and female but usually more male) that people can be such douches in a relationship. I thought I had problems? LOL my last R was a walk in the park compared to what Ive seen/met. I use it as a way to tell myself 'you can enjoy being single for a while, do you want to deal with such a headache?'

 

It also went to show me that dont take things for granted...you never know how youll end up when its gone lol!

[LostInTheWild]

That is very true. People hurt each other in so many ways. And they may not even be trying to. It happens. And it's the risk a person takes when in love. After the initial in-love phase ends, then you have to figure out what you want to do with the knowledge that your partner's pants caught on fire years ago and are still burning from all the lies. Mistreatment...that's a given. Most of us are taken for granted. You want to wait? Stay. No? Leave. It's a matter of upbringing and personal preference, you know?

 

Relationships are never perfect, always risky, and require tolerance equivalent to what you're willing to put up with. That's all. It only comes down to what people are really actually willing to deal with. If love is strong and unconditional, then pray you don't become a doormat. That's what I became without realizing it with my ex. Then one day I said, "You know, I'm not a doormat, right? I'm sick of getting steamrolled here..."

 

I was still a doormat. A stepping stone to his new life. Hope it's great for him.

[mattny]

That is very true. People hurt each other in so many ways. And they may not even be trying to. It happens. And it's the risk a person takes when in love. After the initial in-love phase ends, then you have to figure out what you want to do with the knowledge that your partner's pants caught on fire years ago and are still burning from all the lies. Mistreatment...that's a given. Most of us are taken for granted. You want to wait? Stay. No? Leave. It's a matter of upbringing and personal preference, you know?

 

Relationships are never perfect, always risky, and require tolerance equivalent to what you're willing to put up with. That's all. It only comes down to what people are really actually willing to deal with. If love is strong and unconditional, then pray you don't become a doormat. That's what I became without realizing it with my ex. Then one day I said, "You know, I'm not a doormat, right? I'm sick of getting steamrolled here..."

 

I was still a doormat. A stepping stone to his new life. Hope it's great for him.

 

I hear what you are saying. I hope my last comment of taking things for granted didnt come across the wrong way, I was just stating what I observed out of mine. You had every right to walk out of that relationship, you didnt have the same issues I did