criminallove Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Please help me out here- I'm really good friends with a woman I met in Feb. It was a cool thing because we met in London, we were the same age (26), and we were from the same city back in the U.S. I thought she was good looking, but I wasnt extremely attracted to her. She had come to London to be with a long distance BF of 5 years, but when she got here the "ish" hit the fan and they broke up. When we met she was just getting out of this relationship and was kind of a nervous wreck. It was clear that she needed some time before getting into anything else. For this reason, plus the fact that I never picked up on any "mutual attraction" on her part, I never pursued any type of physical relationship with her. We would hang a lot, she would come to my place or i would go to hers, and just kick it, but that was it. I would talk to her about other girls and she would confide in me about other guys. We shared a lot of stuff and became pretty close. Anyway, in May I moved back to the states for the summer. We both dated other people and talked on the phone from time to time and we both agreed that we missed hanging out with each other. She came home to visit once in the summer and we hung out in the states and that was cool too. We hung out as friends and it was great. Well, last month I came back to London and we really have been hanging out even more than before. The vibe has been great between us and the more I've gotten to know her as a person, the more I like her. She's got all the good qualities I like in a GF, and now she seems totally hot to me. Anyway, weve been going out/ hanging out several times a week and several times we've slept at each others place (this time in the same bed) like 3 or 4 times. So yesterday night, I'm at her place and she brings up the fact that we've slept in the same bed and asks me why I didnt try anything. She says it shows Ive got so much respect for her. We get to talking and it comes out that we're both attracted to each other but were unsure of how the other person felt at the start. She said that our friendship is so great and that she would hate to risk it, but she also said that if we did kiss and set something off, that we might never break up. Anyway, it got late and I crashed at her crib last night. The vibe was certainly different as i normally just go straight to sleep, but last nite the sexual tension was off the charts. At least for me it was and i think it was for her too. I STILL didnt make a move though, as I felt weird having just talked about it, and I didnt want to seem like a complete hypocrite be because I do really value our friendship. I really needed to clear my head a bit and think about it first. Now what the hell should I do? I really like this girl and I find myself thinking about her a lot now. She's sweet, super intelligent, and totally hot. I really care about her as a person first. Ive never been really good freinds with a woman like this and I really like our friendship, but now I really think there could be something more with her, and not just a one night stand thing. I know how relationships can get funny after sex gets involved, and I would hate for us to not be friends anymore. I think I'm big enough to handle it if it didnt work out, but you never know what could happen. Today my feelings for her haven't gotten so far out of hand that I couldn't ditch the idea of us hooking up, and just continue being friends, but I feel that I'm at a total crossroads here where I need to decide how to approach this before i fall completely in love with her. What should I Do????????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 go for it - she likes you and the next time you spend the night - make a move ! Link to post Share on other sites
Dakini Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by criminallove Today my feelings for her haven't gotten so far out of hand that I couldn't ditch the idea of us hooking up, and just continue being friends, but I feel that I'm at a total crossroads here where I need to decide how to approach this before i fall completely in love with her. What would be so wrong with completely falling in love with her, especially before sleeping with her? Might be kind of nice to really make love to her, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author criminallove Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 "What would be so wrong with completely falling in love with her, especially before sleeping with her? Might be kind of nice to really make love to her, no?" Dakini- thanks for your reply but I think you're missing my point just a bit. I REALLY care about this girl. Who knows if or when the relationship will get to a sexual level. My dilemma is that I dont want fall "completely" head over heels with somone if its going to mess up our friendship. I'm trying to figure out if I should act on these feelings or supress them for the good of preserving a great friendship and protecting both of our feelings. CL Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 My dilemma is that I dont want fall "completely" head over heels with somone if its going to mess up our friendship. I'm trying to figure out if I should act on these feelings or supress them for the good of preserving a great friendship and protecting both of our feelings. I got that but I still think you should go for it. You are both interested in taking it further & you're already good friends - this relationship could have a lot going for it - don't blow your chances worrying about something that may or may not happen in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author criminallove Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 Thanks Blue- I see where you're coming from Link to post Share on other sites
replying Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 I think you should act on these feelings. If she really cares about you and if you really care about her then the sex shouldn't matter so much as to actually ruin your relationship. But I guess it also depends on the kind of way you guys treat each other. If you both kid around a lot and are just generally the friend-y kind of people then usually these kind of people stay friends after breaking up (which I hope never happens to you) But if you're in the relationship were things are personal and you guys flirt it may become awkward if anything happens. But I do think you should act on the feelings. If you let her go, you may be regretting it when you find it hard to find someone else. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Odradek Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 Just think about all possible scenarios: 1. You do nothing and you guys stay friends: It might be that the attraction fades eventually on either side, and then she might pursue a sexual relationship with somebody else, or you might. Then it's gonna be really hard for you guys to stay friends, because the third person will want to have whichever one of you gets involved in a relationship to themselves, and considering you guys have been in the same bed, that's gonna call for a timeout in that friendship of yours. OR, you simply stay friends and single and wonder what might have been. 2. You make your move: It either works, or it doesn't. If it's not gonna work, you guys will probably realize before it gets to a point where you might hurt each other (since you know each other so well, having been frinds for so long and all) and you have such great communication that I don;t think you'll have a problem talking things out. If it works, you might just be at the threshold of a very long and gratifying relationship. From where I see it you have nothing to lose. I'd just advice that you guys become exclusive and start doing things AS A COUPLE before you get to the sex part. Link to post Share on other sites
rePtILe Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 hey peeps i need a lil help from ull i like this gal ( like hecticly) and she has just found out abt it, and i need to ask her out but NOT in the common way "would u like to go out with me" we've been frendz for a long time now and i need everything to be perfect so er...... plz plz plz help out here guys Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 So why don't you suggest you go out on a date - something different from just hanging out that the both of you will enjoy. Dinner or a movie. You don't have to have sex, just have the date and if the right moment presents itself to kiss, allow it to happen and see how things develop. I think it would be good to take things slowly so the odd date and kiss and then lead up to bigger things becasue by then you will know whether or or not to give it a go as a couple or to say forget it, lets go back to being friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author criminallove Posted November 11, 2004 Author Share Posted November 11, 2004 Thanks to everybody for replying... So anyway, I asked her on a date and she tells me that she doesnt know if its really a good idea. She tells me that she's sexually attracted to me but that she depends really depends on our friendship. Then she brings up her ex and says that she still loves him and would like to try again with him, even thought they broke up months ago because he cheated on her. After hearing that, I didnt press the issue at all, and I feel like ish because now i really got feelings for this girl. We've hung out since then and everything is cool, but its really getting on my nerves because now i got feelings. Anybody got ideas on how to proceed?? Thanks again- CL Link to post Share on other sites
Odradek Posted November 11, 2004 Share Posted November 11, 2004 Well man, your feelings count. If she wants to try again with the jerk that cheated on her, that's her problem, but don't let her expect you to be hanging around and being there for her swallowing up your feelings and feeling really ****ty inside as she confides in you because you are her "best friend". If I were in your position, I'd make it really clear that you do have feelings for her and you can't help it, and although you really value your friendship you cannot bear keeping up the kind of closeness that the two of you have (sleeping in the same bed, and talking about other people) without getting hurt in the proccess, so you need some space. Obviously, that's if I were you, which I'm not, so you gotta figure out what would be the best way for YOU to handle it. Just consider that if you keep up the kind of friendship you guys have, and she starts again with the jerk while your feelings for her grow, you might not be in for something pretty. I'd suggest you don't make a big fuss about it, but be honest open and straight to her about the way you're feeling (you don't have to go all Romeo and Julliet, but you could sit down and tell her that you honestly thought there could be something more between the two of you, and that if she doesn't feel the same way maybe it wouldnt be a good idea for you guys to stay so intimate). Again, just a suggestion.. Best of luck pal. Link to post Share on other sites
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