Should I give up on trying to win my ex back?

[jhehir84]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to this thread and seeking some advice on my current situation.

 

I am 29 yrs old and my currently ex husband is 32yrs old (lets call him Bob for reference sake)

We have 3 children together (the oldest 2 are from my first marriage which ended because we were both too young)

 

The father of the oldest 2 is not present in their lives and Bob has raised them as his own since they were in nappies (the children do not know that he is not their biological father.

 

Throughout our 6 years relationship there has been ups and downs, the downs primarily caused by myself. I have recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and this has been the cause of any difficulties we had, I would go for up too 6 months perfectly fine then if there were too many stressful events it would trigger an episode in me......

 

My episodes would start with feeling very depressed and insecure, worrying that my SO wanted to leave or was interested in someone else and I would basically make his life miserable for the few weeks that it lasted.

 

This is what led to our separation,

On April 20th we had recently moved house, been on a holiday to visit his family (which didn't go so well) and I had mid-semester exams around the corner and it triggered an episode. We had a huge fight which was caused by my insecurities and I kicked him out. A couple of days later I rang him and he said he was done he couldn't do it anymore.

 

And with that I set about finding why this was happening and it led to my diagnosis. Since then I have been to see a psychologist every week, enrolled in behavioral therapy so I can learn to regulate my emotions better and started taking mood stabilizers. I am also doing a meditation course.

 

Prior to our split it had been a very long time since I had an episode, I always knew something was wrong and so even before my diagnosis I had been doing a lot of self help reading trying to better myself. We were like to school kids in love, we would hold hands where ever we went, he would always tell me I was his soulmate and his best friend and how happy he was. I believed with all the self help I had put the blow ups behind me and everything was perfect now.

 

We never fought about money or parenting or housework. The sex was still at least every day (we always had a very strong attraction too each other)

 

But then it happened one more time and it was the last................

 

Since April 20th he spent the first 4 weeks just coming to visit on weekends to see the kids (he is in share accommodation so he cant take the kids there)

 

After weeks 4 we started to sleep together and have been ever since, I have told him I want to work things out and that I believe he should get his own place for 12 months while I do my therapy so he can feel secure however he sais he wants it but can't see it. He is very hurt that I kicked him out (rightly so)

 

He know spends from Friday to Sunday at my place then generally goes back to his place through the work week. However lately he has been spending more and more nights here,

 

Right now he has been here for the last 10 days straight, he doesn't seem to want to leave. He has just put forth applications for a few apartments and I said to him "it makes me a little bit said because we wont be hanging out on weekends anymore and to this he replied "we can still hang out and it's not as if you can't come to my place"

 

So I guess my question is "What do I do"?

When we first split he was very very angry and hurt with me and we are far past that now, we hang out together in my room watching game of thrones together and other stuff, we still do stuff as a family but he still has said nothing about there being any hope of reconciliation.

 

When do I give up, am I in denial or is there any hope?

 

On another note he has said a few times he doesn't know if we should be doing this, it's pro-longing the inevitable however when I ask do you want to stop spending so much time together he looks at me and sais no, it's like he is trying to force himself but can't.

 

Thanks in advance for any advice

[Echo000]

he wants to be done with you. he is trying, but is being lazy about it. trust me, he will eventually leave..be it something thats your fault or something he finds as a suitable reason to leave.

 

If he wanted back, he would say it. In reality, he is actually telling you the exact opposite. That is tough im sorry, but i dont see you two getting back together. seems like you want it and have done great things to better yourself (therapy), but it takes two to make a relationship work.

[Misfortune]

Find some books on bipolar and ask him to read them. If he really wanted to be with you he wouldn't leave. My ex-wife is bipolar and did the same things to me. She gave me books on bipolar to read and I never did, I thought I could handle it. I did handle it in terms of not wanting to leave her no matter how crazy she got. I just didn't know what was her and what was the bipolar. She would tell me leave and I would, just to give her space. I didn't know how to comfort her through it all, I told her she was doing all these bad things on purpose and should stop.

 

It's hard being crapped on by the one you love, serious, mental problem or just joking, it's still hard to take.

[jhehir84]

Yeah, I know it must be very hard being on the receiving end!

 

The guilt eats me up at times but even in the past few months since being on the mood stabilizers and with all the therapy I have come forward in leaps and bounds and he has said he has noticed.

 

He stayed again last night,

 

If he wants out and is being lazy about it why does he keep coming over more and more. We discussed a few things last night and he said all he wants is his family and I just need to be a bit more patient and that he is just a bit "gun shy".

 

He also said he still wants to carry on spending the weekends together when he gets his apartment and we agreed that the kids and I would spend 1 wknd at his place and the other he would spend here.

 

I questioned him about if this was heading anywhere and his reply was "well i'm here aren't I".

 

He also told me he still very much loves me and he is just scared of being hurt and he doesn't want to move to fast.

 

Should I take that as a positive thing?

[Yasuandio]

Forget all of his words - they are empty air. Judge his actions. Getting an apartment, and living elsewhere sounds like a man that is not living the "married family life." Do you agree with that?

 

If you go to each other's house, or watch game shows together, do things as a family, but he maintains a different address, does that change anything really? Living at a different address than the wife and kids demonstrates he does not live with the family. Therefore, he is acting more in the role of say, "Uncle," and/or "Friends with Benefits," or "Boyfriend," or Significant Other." Right?

 

Marriage vows include "in sickness and in health." I have bi-polar desease too. In the US, mental illness is grounds for divorce in many states. I'm not sure that is right with God, or morally correct. The truth is that many bi-polar people can have trouble maintaining relationships for a variety of reasons. I certainly am finding that to be correct in my own case. And I really don't care about pleasing or satisfying anyone anymore - I am past that. People are just going to have to accept me as I now am, there is nothing I can do about this f__ desease, except take my meds, and continue my therapy. Such an attitude is also probably kinda bi-polar.

 

But, that is not to discourage you from trying your best to have good conduct, and keep it together. Keep reality in your mind also - that is what I am suggesting to you. As, because of your illness, you really do not need anyone playing around with your emotions. He needs to make up his mind, so you can move on. You are a beautiful young lady - and, like most bi-polar people, you probably are very smart and talented in some way. Yas

[Jstub]

The action of moving out is a statement by itself. As in, move out and live in a temporary situation, such as living with parents, friends, shared living etc. BUT move out and getting your own address (sign lease, purchase a home) is a BOLD statement. As Yas said, actions actions actions.

 

It is much easier for a man to sleep with a woman without being invested in her at all - so for you it may mean "Oh he cares about me" but for him it may mean "Oh that feels good PERIOD".

 

I can't speak for all men, but me moving out and getting my own house, was me saying "I AM DONE". I didn't take that step before I was 100% certain that I was done.

 

I think you can still save this marriage somehow, but just be realistic, don't assume things - look at ACTIONS.

 

Good luck to you.

[jhehir84]

Yeah, I get what your all saying.

 

The thing is I suggested he get his own place for a period of time so I could work on my issues and he didn't have to worry about being kicked out while I got them under control.

 

I feel as though (and so does he) that to move straight back before things were really fixed would just end badly. Having said that he has been saying for 2 months that he is getting a place and gone to look but never follows through with applying for any of them.

 

When we first split he was saying "no way never ever" and now he is saying "lets take it slow".

 

As time goes on his stance on it becomes more and more positive, I guess this is why I am so so so confused.

 

In regards to the "just in it for sex", he comes here and helps with everything, he even makes me breakfast every morning and he will drop anything at anytime if I need him and come straight over.

 

I guess I can understand from his point of view needing the security of a place until he is sure that if he was to move back things would be fixed and I know that that is his greatest fear.

 

Am I in denial..... I have had no positive feedback here and that worries me.

 

My friends tell me to go with the flow and don't pressure anything and I was going by that, given that he is so confused I thought it was wise to give him time to see the changes I'm making (and I'm working my ass off) and give it time to heal and rebuild.

 

Any advice on that?

 

I have a gut feeling that once he gets his place there will be some clarity, one way or another. Either he will commit to giving it another shot or it will end naturally.

 

Everything I have read indicates that if you truly want a shot at saving your relationship you must be patient, consistent and not pressure them.

 

I guess I feel that I have stuffed it up and I have a penance to pay and I have to do the hard yards now........

 

Is that stupid?

[jhehir84]

I've got to be honest.....

 

I came here hoping to find some positive views as I am "running out of steam" and starting to really loose patience.

 

I had set in my head when this all started that I would give it 12 months and if we weren't back together by that time I would walk away,

 

and at least I would know that I did everything I could......

 

3 months in and I feel like just giving an ultimatum and saying "make up your darn mind"!

 

At this stage he has been here (without returning to his place) for eleven days and I'm getting used to it and I'm scared!

[darkmoon]

I've got to be honest.....

 

I came here hoping to find some positive views as I am "running out of steam" and starting to really loose patience.

 

I had set in my head when this all started that I would give it 12 months and if we weren't back together by that time I would walk away,

 

and at least I would know that I did everything I could......

 

3 months in and I feel like just giving an ultimatum and saying "make up your darn mind"!

 

At this stage he has been here (without returning to his place) for eleven days and I'm getting used to it and I'm scared!

 

I almost hate to say it, but men like their creature/home comforts, I am optimistic, he is coming back for more of you, do not have a big talk, out of the blue this would be a bit much, too, you would feel no better if you give him an ultimatum and he moves on you will so regret it, he might yet ask to move back in, so wait, he is within your sights as we speak:)

Edited August 6, 2013 by darkmoon

[jhehir84]

Thank you Dark Moon,

 

I needed some encouragement, some days I just feel like giving up. It often feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

 

Many times when we have spent a weekend together where we have become particularly close and affectionate (not talking about the sex), but rather lying in his arms as he strokes my hair or my face gently and just looking at me lovingly the way he used to................... it feels like we are getting close again.

 

But then the next day he pulls away a bit as though he realized he dropped his guard a bit too much and he will seem a distant for a day or 2, then it happens all over again.

 

Like I said 2 steps forward 1 step back.

 

I often go to say "I love you" but I have to stop myself for fear of pushing it too soon. Something we used to say 2 each other so often it was sickening!

 

Anyway, I guess soon enough I'll know what will be and I just have to find the strength to be patient for a little while longer.

 

I agree that giving an ultimatum before he is ready will get me no where.

 

The waiting is soooooooo hard......................

[Oberfeldwebel]

You are stressing over things that aren't fruitful. You have a place to live, he will figure out a place to live one way or another. If every time you talk to him it is "did you get a place yet....did you get a place yet....did you get a place yet) all he sees is more Bipolar actions.

 

Take him at his word, He is Here, just enjoy the time. His actions are not the actions of a man that wants a divorce, so you have to try and not stress. I know that it the hardest thing for you to do but it is essential. Additionally, you have to take the medicine religiously. I don't have a crystal ball, but if you two keep working together day by day, this can be fixed. Best wishes.

[jhehir84]

"did you get a place yet....did you get a place yet....did you get a place yet)

 

I do no such thing, ever. As mentioned in my previous posts I have taken the stance of no pressure and patience with him as I work on myself.

 

If we ever end up in a discussion about things that relate to us or the situation and we're it is going it is only because he has brought up the topic.

 

I avoid it at all costs as I want to enjoy each others company without the burden of consistent deep and meaningful's. Having said that I do believe that every know and then it's good to touch base and see how we are both feeling about things however 90% of the time things are just kept light hearted.

 

Just because I bring up my concerns on an online forum and express my worries does not indicate the way I converse with him.

 

I don't chase him or harass him with texts, emails or calls when he isn't here and I have a rule, 1 for 1 text. No more no less. I don't beg or plead or ask for him to recommit as I know this will push him away further.

 

In general I want it to be as if it were a "new" blossoming relationship with all the fun and flirting that comes with it.

 

Make sense?

[M30USA]

I do no such thing, ever. As mentioned in my previous posts I have taken the stance of no pressure and patience with him as I work on myself.

 

If we ever end up in a discussion about things that relate to us or the situation and we're it is going it is only because he has brought up the topic.

 

I avoid it at all costs as I want to enjoy each others company without the burden of consistent deep and meaningful's. Having said that I do believe that every know and then it's good to touch base and see how we are both feeling about things however 90% of the time things are just kept light hearted.

 

Just because I bring up my concerns on an online forum and express my worries does not indicate the way I converse with him.

 

I don't chase him or harass him with texts, emails or calls when he isn't here and I have a rule, 1 for 1 text. No more no less. I don't beg or plead or ask for him to recommit as I know this will push him away further.

 

In general I want it to be as if it were a "new" blossoming relationship with all the fun and flirting that comes with it.

 

Make sense?

 

It sounds to me like you may not want a truly intimate relationship but rather a continuous lighthearted, dating kind of relationship.

[GuyInLimbo]

If he wants out and is being lazy about it why does he keep coming over more and more.

 

Uh, it's because he's getting laid....

[darkmoon]

patience does not come easily, just be and enjoy everything, I do not think this is all that easy for him, okay sex matters, but he has to find the right words when he feels ready, I still say he is within your sights as we speak

[GuyInLimbo]

Maybe I missed it in my skimming this post, but why is there no discussion here about the kids other than the first paragraph of the OP? Whatever you guys are doing is f*cked up. Sh*t or get off the pot. If kids weren't involved, that would be one thing. But with him being around all the time, gone and coming back and neither one of you having a clue what you are doing or feeling, is giving these poor kids LOTS of false hopes. I can't begin to tell you how damaging this is. And with the OP being bi-polar to boot, they're getting a double kick in the pants.

 

The two of you are acting like stupid teenagers playing games and not responsible parents here. Grow up and start worrying about the impact this is having on your kids and their ability to have HEALTHY adult relationships. Shame on you two!!

[RightThere]

Maybe I missed it in my skimming this post, but why is there no discussion here about the kids other than the first paragraph of the OP? Whatever you guys are doing is f*cked up. Sh*t or get off the pot. If kids weren't involved, that would be one thing. But with him being around all the time, gone and coming back and neither one of you having a clue what you are doing or feeling, is giving these poor kids LOTS of false hopes. I can't begin to tell you how damaging this is. And with the OP being bi-polar to boot, they're getting a double kick in the pants.

 

The two of you are acting like stupid teenagers playing games and not responsible parents here. Grow up and start worrying about the impact this is having on your kids and their ability to have HEALTHY adult relationships. Shame on you two!!

 

Couldn't disagree more.

 

The kids aren't in danger here. Parents aren't fighting constantly infront of the kids (from what I read). Kids aren't being used as pawns against the parents. Dad just isn't there 100% of the time. Is that different from a committed dad who travels a lot for work?

 

Sure it's hard for the kids to understand what's going on, but it's not a "sh$t or get off the pot" situation with the kids. He's not disappearing for months, then dropping back into their lives. That attitude is far to extreme for this situation.

[jhehir84]

I appreciate the concern for my children, thank you.

You must be such a kind and caring soul.........................

 

"WE" have both sat down together with the kids and spoke to them, telling them that although dad and I aren't living together anymore that it doesn't mean we are not still a family and that dad loves them very very much and will still be around a lot and always always there for them,

 

In regards to false hope, we actually don't kiss or cuddle around the kids and we most certainly do not discuss anything in regards to our relationship or non-relationship, whatever it is right now. After the kids go to bed we will sit and cuddle on the lounge etc. but we are both careful not to in front of them, in fact we even set an alarm at 5a.m.every time he sleeps over so he can go and jump into the bed in the spare room before the kids wake.

 

 

There is no fighting at all between us, if we "disagree" on anything it is discussed in private. Like I said in my earlier posts, most of the time we had a fantastic relationship, it was just when I had an "episode" of bi-polar that we had issues and that would happen every 4-6 months roughly, sometimes it would be as long as a year.

 

Please don't reply to my thread unless you have some intelligent constructive advice to give.........

 

Thank you :D:D

[jhehir84]

Maybe I missed it in my skimming this post, but why is there no discussion here about the kids other than the first paragraph of the OP? Whatever you guys are doing is f*cked up. Sh*t or get off the pot. If kids weren't involved, that would be one thing. But with him being around all the time, gone and coming back and neither one of you having a clue what you are doing or feeling, is giving these poor kids LOTS of false hopes. I can't begin to tell you how damaging this is. And with the OP being bi-polar to boot, they're getting a double kick in the pants.

 

The two of you are acting like stupid teenagers playing games and not responsible parents here. Grow up and start worrying about the impact this is having on your kids and their ability to have HEALTHY adult relationships. Shame on you two!!

 

I appreciate the concern for my children, thank you.

You must be such a kind and caring soul.........................

 

"WE" have both sat down together with the kids and spoke to them, telling them that although dad and I aren't living together anymore that it doesn't mean we are not still a family and that dad loves them very very much and will still be around a lot and always always there for them,

 

In regards to false hope, we actually don't kiss or cuddle around the kids and we most certainly do not discuss anything in regards to our relationship or non-relationship, whatever it is right now. After the kids go to bed we will sit and cuddle on the lounge etc. but we are both careful not to in front of them, in fact we even set an alarm at 5a.m.every time he sleeps over so he can go and jump into the bed in the spare room before the kids wake.

 

 

There is no fighting at all between us, if we "disagree" on anything it is discussed in private. Like I said in my earlier posts, most of the time we had a fantastic relationship, it was just when I had an "episode" of bi-polar that we had issues and that would happen every 4-6 months roughly, sometimes it would be as long as a year.

 

Please don't reply to my thread unless you have some intelligent constructive advice to give.........

 

Thank you :D:D

[jhehir84]

It sounds to me like you may not want a truly intimate relationship but rather a continuous lighthearted, dating kind of relationship.

 

 

The time for serious talk is once we have actually decided to give it another go,

not whilst things are so raw........

 

The best and most sure fire way to send a guy that already has doubts running for the hills is to pressure him with heavy conversations that are pushing for him to make a decision that he isn't ready to make yet.

 

We need to fall in love all over again for him to want to give it another go........

 

Emotions first and foremost.......

 

Serious relationship talk comes after re-commitment.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I do no such thing, ever. As mentioned in my previous posts I have taken the stance of no pressure and patience with him as I work on myself.

 

If we ever end up in a discussion about things that relate to us or the situation and we're it is going it is only because he has brought up the topic.

 

I avoid it at all costs as I want to enjoy each others company without the burden of consistent deep and meaningful's. Having said that I do believe that every know and then it's good to touch base and see how we are both feeling about things however 90% of the time things are just kept light hearted.

 

Just because I bring up my concerns on an online forum and express my worries does not indicate the way I converse with him.

 

I don't chase him or harass him with texts, emails or calls when he isn't here and I have a rule, 1 for 1 text. No more no less. I don't beg or plead or ask for him to recommit as I know this will push him away further.

 

In general I want it to be as if it were a "new" blossoming relationship with all the fun and flirting that comes with it.

 

Make sense?

 

It does make sense and I know that it is impossible to get down everything that happens in a few paragraphs in a forum. I actually think that you are doing well and just understand that it is going to take time and that is the hardest part for most of us to deal with in life. Part of it is also probably just your husbands personality. I get the impression he is a low key kind of guy that does not like conflict and tends to internalize things a bit. If you on the other hand are someone who wants to verbalize things, this naturally puts both of you in a dilemma over trivial things that can escalate. Both of you need to understand the situation and learn how to communicate through the problem. I feel good that you are on the right track and encourage you to use the forum as a venue to express those feelings you may not have gotten to release otherwise in your day. Realize that you are going to get feedback from A-Z, so apply as makes sense for your situation. Hang in there.

[GuyInLimbo]

Please don't reply to my thread unless you have some intelligent constructive advice to give.........

 

Wow. OK. Gee, forgive my lack of intelligence given there wasn't any mention of what was being done with the kids earlier....

[jhehir84]

Your forgiven for not realizing that this is in fact a relationship site and not a parenting site and also for assuming and jumping to conclusions rather than getting the facts first.

 

No worries at all :-)

[RonaldS]

I just wanted to add, as one who was the recipient of false accusations and burdened by immense insecurity....that will take its toll on any man. It is an almost impossible way to be in a relationship.

 

Now, my understanding of BPD is superficial, but what does BPD have to do with security issues? You get down and think you're not good enough?

 

Anyway, I was accused, despite mountains of evidence against it, of cheating by my XW. There were a lot of other issues in our relationship (she had rage issues, abusive, didn't put effort into our marriage), but the insecurity and false accusations made daily existence miserable. Every time I would get a text message, I could see that look on her face. She hacked into my email, phone, FB, bank statements so many times that I almost stopped caring.

 

So, you know what happened? I gave up. I gave up on her and on our marriage. It was never going to get fixed. She would never in a million years ale responsibility for her actions, so we were done. I ended up having an emotional affair with a girl I sort of dated years before the XW who lived in Europe (I'm in the US) and let my XW find out, which of course validated all of her fears and insecurities. She left.

 

The bottom line....women might think that stuff is sort of cute and feel like it shows her guy how much she loves him and whatever else. No, it doesn't. It's effed up and makes living with that person miserable.

 

Am I happy about how things worked out? Hard to say. But I do like being able to have a buddy text me without sitting there having to worry about my W concocting some sort of twisted scenario in her head and turning it into a reality that I then have to deal with.

[jhehir84]

I just wanted to add, as one who was the recipient of false accusations and burdened by immense insecurity....that will take its toll on any man. It is an almost impossible way to be in a relationship.

 

Now, my understanding of BPD is superficial, but what does BPD have to do with security issues? You get down and think you're not good enough?

 

Anyway, I was accused, despite mountains of evidence against it, of cheating by my XW. There were a lot of other issues in our relationship (she had rage issues, abusive, didn't put effort into our marriage), but the insecurity and false accusations made daily existence miserable. Every time I would get a text message, I could see that look on her face. She hacked into my email, phone, FB, bank statements so many times that I almost stopped caring.

 

So, you know what happened? I gave up. I gave up on her and on our marriage. It was never going to get fixed. She would never in a million years ale responsibility for her actions, so we were done. I ended up having an emotional affair with a girl I sort of dated years before the XW who lived in Europe (I'm in the US) and let my XW find out, which of course validated all of her fears and insecurities. She left.

 

The bottom line....women might think that stuff is sort of cute and feel like it shows her guy how much she loves him and whatever else. No, it doesn't. It's effed up and makes living with that person miserable.

 

Am I happy about how things worked out? Hard to say. But I do like being able to have a buddy text me without sitting there having to worry about my W concocting some sort of twisted scenario in her head and turning it into a reality that I then have to deal with.

 

Hi,

 

Thank you for your input, I do appreciate getting to see things from the perspective of the other person.

 

It sounds like you had a very tough time in your marriage, I must say personally I have never gone to that extreme. I was never abusive towards my SO, physically or verbally, in fact quiet the opposite. I would feel bad about myself when my insecurities arose and afterwards spend the next 3-6 months going over the top trying to please him and be perfect in every way to make up for it. I definitely had no problem admitting to my issues and would spend hours every day reading up on self-help and trying to figure out how to overcome these feelings.

 

I always had the house immaculate when he walked in the door, I would be well dressed and have my hair and make-up done.............. I would make him a coffee and give him his space for half an hour to wind down.

 

I made a point of constantly telling him how lucky I was to have him and how proud I was of him with his achievements in his workplace.

 

I would tell him what a wonderful father he was.......

 

I'd never nag him or criticize him about anything.....

He got sex every night without fail........ and even if I wasn't really in the mood I was just happy to make him happy and so I would enjoy it anyway.

 

It got to the point where I was so desperate to make up for my short-cummings that I decided after breakfast every single morning I would give him a bj and so I did every day without fail, sometimes he would get a double.

 

I would spend hours preparing his favorite homemade Italian meals that his mum used to make........

 

Anything and everything I could do.......

 

I did see a psychologist for 6 months also......... and I honestly thought that I had finally "fixed" it.

 

Although, I hadn't been diagnosed with Bi-polar at the time so I guess the method of treatment used by the psychologist was probably not the most effective method available.

 

All in all I really wanted to make him happy and be the "perfect wife" for him but I just didn't have the key, THE DIAGNOSES!

 

Now I finally know what it is that I'm dealing with I have a direction and know how to go about getting it under control......

 

Of course I fear it may be too late.....

 

 

 

We spoke this morning before he left for work (he came back here last night and stayed) and he admitted to me that his head is telling him not to go there again but his heart is telling him to stay. He said he wants to just be ok with it and walk away but he can't bring himself too.

 

He didn't commit to getting back together but he did commit to not seeing other people, which is good.

 

He also said maybe we are just spending a little bit too much time together (he's only been away 1 night in 2 weeks) and moving too fast and he wants to slow it down a bit, but then when he got to work he text me saying that he had been given free tickets to the moscow circus and he wanted the kids and I to go with him tonight........ go figure!