Should I give up on trying to win my ex back?

[trippi1432]

Hi,

 

Thank you for your input, I do appreciate getting to see things from the perspective of the other person.

 

It sounds like you had a very tough time in your marriage, I must say personally I have never gone to that extreme. I was never abusive towards my SO, physically or verbally, in fact quiet the opposite. I would feel bad about myself when my insecurities arose and afterwards spend the next 3-6 months going over the top trying to please him and be perfect in every way to make up for it. I definitely had no problem admitting to my issues and would spend hours every day reading up on self-help and trying to figure out how to overcome these feelings.

 

I always had the house immaculate when he walked in the door, I would be well dressed and have my hair and make-up done.............. I would make him a coffee and give him his space for half an hour to wind down.

 

I made a point of constantly telling him how lucky I was to have him and how proud I was of him with his achievements in his workplace.

 

I would tell him what a wonderful father he was.......

 

I'd never nag him or criticize him about anything.....

He got sex every night without fail........ and even if I wasn't really in the mood I was just happy to make him happy and so I would enjoy it anyway.

 

It got to the point where I was so desperate to make up for my short-cummings that I decided after breakfast every single morning I would give him a bj and so I did every day without fail, sometimes he would get a double.

 

I would spend hours preparing his favorite homemade Italian meals that his mum used to make........

 

Anything and everything I could do.......

 

I did see a psychologist for 6 months also......... and I honestly thought that I had finally "fixed" it.

 

Although, I hadn't been diagnosed with Bi-polar at the time so I guess the method of treatment used by the psychologist was probably not the most effective method available.

 

All in all I really wanted to make him happy and be the "perfect wife" for him but I just didn't have the key, THE DIAGNOSES!

 

Now I finally know what it is that I'm dealing with I have a direction and know how to go about getting it under control......

 

Of course I fear it may be too late.....

 

 

 

We spoke this morning before he left for work (he came back here last night and stayed) and he admitted to me that his head is telling him not to go there again but his heart is telling him to stay. He said he wants to just be ok with it and walk away but he can't bring himself too.

 

He didn't commit to getting back together but he did commit to not seeing other people, which is good.

 

He also said maybe we are just spending a little bit too much time together (he's only been away 1 night in 2 weeks) and moving too fast and he wants to slow it down a bit, but then when he got to work he text me saying that he had been given free tickets to the moscow circus and he wanted the kids and I to go with him tonight........ go figure!

 

Hmmm...have you ever considered that perhaps YOU are not bipolar, but the relationship is?

[jhehir84]

Hmmm...have you ever considered that perhaps YOU are not bipolar, but the relationship is?

 

It certainly feels that way at times.......

 

He also said this morning and I quote " If you want to do this it has to be me setting the speed because I freak out sometimes when we get too close too soon and I need to withdraw for a few days, and you need to not worry and just let me".

 

I probably should add that he is a GM at genesis gym and he has always been obsessed with body building however since he started actually "working" at a gym he has been taking testosterone boosters and a pre-workout supplement that has been banned because of its potency and side effects.

 

He started taking these after we split and I definitely noticed it affects his moods, especially in regards to anxiety and worry.

 

 

He has also been offered a place "rent free" for 4 months through a mate that is going on holidays to bali, he had an apartment that he looked at a few days ago that he really liked and told me all the details about it but he has decided instead to take this "rent free" place for 4 months instead. His reason being that he can save money in the meantime so he can buy all the furniture as he moves into a place afterwards. So no lease for at least another 4 months............ :-)

Edited August 8, 2013 by jhehir84
add extra

[trippi1432]

It certainly feels that way at times.......

 

He also said this morning and I quote " If you want to do this it has to be me setting the speed because I freak out sometimes when we get too close too soon and I need to withdraw for a few days, and you need to not worry and just let me".

 

I probably should add that he is a GM at genesis gym and he has always been obsessed with body building however since he started actually "working" at a gym he has been taking testosterone boosters and a pre-workout supplement that has been banned because of its potency and side effects.

 

He started taking these after we split and I definitely noticed it affects his moods, especially in regards to anxiety and worry.

 

 

He has also been offered a place "rent free" for 4 months through a mate that is going on holidays to bali, he had an apartment that he looked at a few days ago that he really liked and told me all the details about it but he has decided instead to take this "rent free" place for 4 months instead. His reason being that he can save money in the meantime so he can buy all the furniture as he moves into a place afterwards. So no lease for at least another 4 months............ :-)

 

Well, first of all, the reason I pointed that out is that this "diagnosis" was discovered in an attempt to figure out what is wrong with you. Personally, in your posts, I don't see a bipolar woman, I see a woman who tries too hard to please though. Your posts are very well thought out, reasonable, intelligent but do not talk about being promiscuous, a person who takes unhealthy risks, cannot handle herself financially, lets bills go.....does damage to herself and others. If you read on the subject from the APA, these are the traits of bipolar II essentially, bipolar I is similar but with worse cycles. I just don't really see that so far in what you have posted.

 

Secondly, this post....the things you mentioned that he is taking can alter his moods, cause mood swings, anxiety, even anger or a high aggitated state. How long has he been doing those?

[2.50 a gallon]

I agree with trippi, the pieces are not adding up. Sex daily, whether you were in the mood or not. Daily BJ for breakfast, sometimes double? As trippi posted it sounds like you are over compensating, trying too hard. Have you always done this?

 

Episodes of depression, insecure, worrying that your SO wanted to leave or was interested in someone else.

 

Makes me wonder what was triggering this? Sounds like a gut feeling and I wonder if it was right.

[vla1120]

Am I in denial..... I have had no positive feedback here and that worries me.

 

My friends tell me to go with the flow and don't pressure anything and I was going by that, given that he is so confused I thought it was wise to give him time to see the changes I'm making (and I'm working my ass off) and give it time to heal and rebuild.

 

Any advice on that?

 

Is that stupid?

 

I was going to give you the exact advice your friends are giving you. Give him time. Keep working hard on your own issues. Once he sees you are in control and are continuing to work so hard, he should hopefully come around.

 

Whatever you do, make sure you don't become complacent, feel like you're fine, and stop taking your meds because you don't think you need them anymore. I have a family member who does this. She's been on this rollercoaster for years and would be much happier if she just continued her therapy and meds. It's painful to watch.

 

Involve him in your therapy and make sure he has a solid understanding of this debilitating disease. I wish you much luck!

[trippi1432]

Not to trivialize your condition but you haven't really said what is you actually do from time to time that upsets him so much. Since you're not in jail I assume whatever it is can't be all that bad.) .

 

That was going to be my next question actually, OP, what do these episodes look like and what made you think that something must be wrong with you per say?

[jhehir84]

Well, first of all, the reason I pointed that out is that this "diagnosis" was discovered in an attempt to figure out what is wrong with you. Personally, in your posts, I don't see a bipolar woman, I see a woman who tries too hard to please though. Your posts are very well thought out, reasonable, intelligent but do not talk about being promiscuous, a person who takes unhealthy risks, cannot handle herself financially, lets bills go.....does damage to herself and others. If you read on the subject from the APA, these are the traits of bipolar II essentially, bipolar I is similar but with worse cycles. I just don't really see that so far in what you have posted.

 

Secondly, this post....the things you mentioned that he is taking can alter his moods, cause mood swings, anxiety, even anger or a high aggitated state. How long has he been doing those?

 

He has been taking this stuff for the last 2 months.

 

In regards to unhealthy risks I do tend to spend when I am down and if I'm really having a bad time I cut although this is something that I haven't done for a while. I am in no way promiscuous though, in fact quite the opposite. I still (although we are separated) would feel as though I was being disloyal to be with anyone else right now. That's not to say there isn't anyone interested, there is and a lot of opportunity. That's just not me.

 

In relation to trying to hard to please, it never used to be that way. In fact the first few years it was always the other way around.

 

Maybe I should give a bit of history on this.........

 

A few years back when the GFC hit my SO lost a business, he had worked very hard building up this business and it was his baby. He had to declare bankruptcy in the end and he was heavily depressed for quite some time after.

 

In light of all this I had a lightbulb moment where I thought "hey, maybe it's my turn to step up" and so I went back to finish my Higher School Certificate and in the end I got a mark of 96 and went on to be accepted into Bachelor of Medical Radiation Science-Diagnostic Radiography. Through this process he showed support but I often felt that in a way he resented it. (He admitted to this eventually)

 

After he got the job at the gym I decided to start working out also, within 6 months I had achieved amazing results (he had been at it for years and would fall of the wagon all the time and have to start from scratch). He also started to resent me for this................

 

He said he felt as though I had some sort of drive that he wished he had but couldn't seem to harness............

 

I would like to add that the fights all started at the time I went back to study.

 

He had never said he wasn't happy with anything up until this point......

then all of a sudden it seemed as though everything was a problem.

 

It was at this time that I started to worry and my insecurities (which were always there, but much much milder) shot through the roof and I started trying really hard to make him happy.

 

The 1 question that you all seem to be asking is what did I do that was so bad during an episode, the answer to that is kick him out. Over the course of our relationship I have probably done it 4 times (and all in the last 2 years).

 

The last time I did it he told me he felt as though I had cheated on him and in his eyes I may as well have because that's how betrayed he felt.

 

I'd like to add 1 more thing...... there's a lot of confusion as to where the insecurity comes from......

 

I believe it came from a lot of traumatic events as a child. My father beat me, so I ran away from home at the age of 14. During this time I was drugged and raped by 2 50 year old men (that was the very worst of it but there was many other things that happened during this time). My first husband was also violent.............. I do have trust issues in relation to men and slowly but surely I am dealing with these in my therapy.

 

Perhaps it is not bipolar but rather post-traumatic stress disorder. Who knows!!

Edited August 9, 2013 by jhehir84

[hinatticus]

Your situation is sort of similar to what I went through. It took 14 months before my ex came back. We weren't married but were common laws. She left me when our son was only a year and a half. Go through my easiest thread and you'll see what I went through. I can totally relate to the 2 steps forward 1 step back thing. I just kept telling myself to push through the setbacks.

 

It sounds like your husband is very scared to get hurt again like my ex was, but she eventually saw my changes stick and came back.

 

It sounds like you're taking the right steps. Just be patient and go with the flow, but don't get your hopes up too high and be prepared for the worst. I gave myself 8 months to a year to see if I could win her back. I eventually just accepted the situation and that's when she finally asked me back.

 

Anyway good luck

[2.50 a gallon]

I am beginning to see a much clearer picture.

 

What about his insecurities? He looses his business. You pick up the slack and appear to be doing well, maybe even in his mind he sees you moving away from him.

 

Then according to you, you kick him out 4 times in the last 2 years. I can see coming back after one, but the second, I would be gone for good. But he has come back 4 times, this is the love of his life you are talking about, how can he trust you that this will not happen again, and again.

 

And then there is "That's not to say that there is anyone interested, there is and a lot of opportunity . . ."

 

The first thing that you need to do is cut that person out of your life permanently. I am sure your husband is aware of this, and even if he is not, whether you realize it of not, you will be giving him subtle hints that there is some one waiting in the wings.

[jhehir84]

What does "kick him out" mean, though? You didn't literally put your foot on his rear end and shove him out of the door, obviously.

 

Did you have yelling screaming crazy fits to induce him to leave?

 

Did you physically threaten him or harm him, or yourself to make him leave?

 

I don't think I'm buying this story.

 

You're leaving the most important part out--that is, your actual BEHAVIOR during the conflicts that causing the relationship to be broken.

 

You're making this all about everything EXCEPT what your behavior is that actually causes him to leave.

 

THAT BEHAVIOR is what you need to CHANGE. Regardless of whether or not you get back together with this guy on a permanent basis.

 

And you're being evasive about it.

 

Very evasive.

 

I'm not intentionally trying to be evasive about anything,

 

When I have kicked him out I yell and scream. Although not the last time, the last time I was crying and saying to him that he just doesn't give a **** about my feelings.

 

The reason for this was because we spent 2 weeks with his family and the whole time they excluded my older 2 children and very obviously. His sister made snide remarks about how trashy tattoos on a girl were (knowing I had tattoos on my back) and criticizing our parenting because we allowed the kids to watch spongebob. They are all Jehova's Witness so they didn't approve of a lot and they made it known. I was also excluded from things, for instance his sister had a girls day out that included his brothers wifes and his mother but I was not invited. The whole time he kept saying to me "I know they are being rude and I am angry too but can you please just make nice and not say anything, I will talk to them".

 

So I did make nice, I never said a word nor was I rude but he never said anything to them in the end. I felt very betrayed by this. On top of that, the last day before we left we had an argument. It started because he had a terrible headache that was so blinding that he couldn't stand and he felt as though he was going to throw up so I called my brother (who also lives near his family in W.A. and asked him to come and watch the kids so I could take him to the hospital. When I told him my brother was on his way he flipped out at me and tore me to shreds, told me I had embarrassed him and to cancel. He went on to be rather rude to me for the rest of the day. By the end I was so annoyed given that I had been so good the entire trip and not said anything for his benefit and this was how he was treating me now when I was just worried for him.

 

I was pissed off and we had a fight, the next day I noticed that he had changed the picture on his phone from all 3 kids to just our youngest (his biological daughter). This really hurt, especially after his family had been excluding them for the entire trip.

 

I cried on the plane home, the whole thing was a disaster.

 

After we got back we weren't speaking, I waited for him to apologize or something............ anything, but a whole week past and he made no effort to make ammends. I was sick of always being the one to make up and felt like I was always trying and he wasn't. After that week he finally came to say sorry and immediately afterwards he asked for sex. That is was started the fight that led me to tell him to get out.

 

As far as my insecurities there are other things, when he started to work at the gym his mobile phone started ringing all the time. Every girl in the gym was texting and calling, all work related (he didn't hide them) but they would call at 1:30a.m. to tell him they weren't well and other times 4a.m., throughout dinner and over the weekend. It never stopped, I would get annoyed and tell him to set boundaries. He knew I didn't like it yet for a long time he did nothing. I felt as though he cared more about being friends with them than there boss and whether or not it annoyed me was irrelevant. It was around this time time that my insecurities shot through the roof. There was an occasional text that seemed flirty and there was his female regional manager who he seemed to speak to an awful lot when she was not in his office but in another gym (she managed over 7). She also called him babe and he deleted those (though not properly). I don't know if in the end he would hide things because of my reaction or if my reaction was justified considering he wouldn't put up boundaries. One way or another, there was reason for my insecurities over the last year

 

You see when the fights started,(at the exact time I started uni) they started with him just being snappy and grouchy. He was short with me and short with the kids, for quite sometime I tried to just make nice but after a few months of this I really started to get jack of it and I started to bite back. In the end I really had had enough of it and that is when I started to tell him to "get out". I was just so sick of the arguing and I didn't know what he was so cranky about all the time.

 

Oh and in relation to other interested parties.......... they are friends of friends or people from uni. I know they are interested because they harass with consistent invites out to dinner or drinks etc. but I have never accepted and have made it very very clear that I am not interested in anything with anyone whatsoever. I do not go anywhere with these guys, not even coffee because I don't want to lead them on.

Edited August 10, 2013 by jhehir84

[trippi1432]

NYCcat has done a really good job of looking deeper into the issues Jhehir (and because I can't remember how to spell that every time, I'm going to dub you "J" ).

 

I'm only going to speak to one thing however as I do find the part about how make up sex is a man's way of getting back his emotional connection interesting. I don't disagree with it, but I can't completely agree with it either as it depends on the man. If a man is controlling or wants to avoid conflict, then it is only his emotional connection that he is trying to establish and it really doesn't matter what the partner feels...it's only about him, hence feeding the ego. It gives him forgiveness to sweep things under the rug because this becomes the way he avoids effective communication and can have the ability to avoid empathy.

 

I want to point this out because of several reasons (and I'm not really trying to take this out of context, I promise, but I feel that others less experienced may read this one day and misinterpret...not that NYCcat means this at all..understand).

 

Yes, men want make up sex as a means to establish an emotional connection, however, it should never to be to cover up problems that they do not want to face, a.k.a. sweeping their partners feelings under the rug. This gets into so many dynamics:

a) your husband beats you, then feels "remorseful" and wants make up sex.

b) your husband blacks out drunk (repeatedly), wakes up and realizes he needs sex to feel close to you (believe me, you need to be on the receiving end of that one..ugh!!)

c) your husband picks fights and creates chaos just because make up sex to him is about him only

d) your husband totally disrespects your feelings, puts you down but asks for sex because, well, he was just kidding....ha!

e) your husband had sex with someone else and feels having sex with you is you forgiving him for it

 

Like I said...many dynamics, I'm sure there are many more. What I see as a good make up sex scenario here is pulling the trash that has accumulated out from under the rug. The husband putting his family first and not putting this family HE chose to be a MAN to first, that's an issue, a big one!!

 

It might be time to tackle the real elephant in the room rather than look to reasons for your behavior "J". Honestly, I still say that everything you have posted does not sound bipolar, but I will say that I now understand your issues with trying to people please too much from the background on yourself that you have given. You aren't bipolar...that's not an answer, you just need to give back to yourself the pieces of you that were lost from your childhood so you feel more confident about yourself, as a woman, as a person, as a mother. Are you a product of what has happened to you, of course, and what needs to be healed.....and anti-psychotic drugs, mood stabilizers or anti-depressants will not heal that, they just help you cope with sweeping your own issues under the rug (in my case, they almost killed me). Leaning too much on a person who has his own issues that he needs to overcome (and your husbands does need to overcome them) has gotten you to where you are actually. I'm going to stop there on this subject because I want to know your feedback "J".

 

I will say this...my exH told me last year that he figured out what was wrong with him...he has Fibromyalgia, well that explains his anxiety and IBS, but certainly doesn't explain his 12 pack a day habit or his pot addiction, nor my points about a-e above. His childhood background does explain it though because that is really all you need to know to figure out how to communicate and grow in your relationship, but how to fix two elephants..that comes down to both parties facing them and then learning how to deal with them together.

 

Now..before I end this post, I will address one more thing on make up sex that NYCcat posted about. For women out there that withhold sex from their husband's to "get their way" stop being selfish brats (not pointed at you "J"..but for others who may read this). Now the disrespect of feelings has many grey areas..but an old saying that might have some semblance, "what are you willing to die on the cross for?"...because what you pick and choose is what your relationship could die on. Own your feelings so you are able to communicate them effectively to the person you love.

[Darren Steez]

Confused, did he move out or was he kicked out?

[jhehir84]

Your situation is sort of similar to what I went through. It took 14 months before my ex came back. We weren't married but were common laws. She left me when our son was only a year and a half. Go through my easiest thread and you'll see what I went through. I can totally relate to the 2 steps forward 1 step back thing. I just kept telling myself to push through the setbacks.

 

It sounds like your husband is very scared to get hurt again like my ex was, but she eventually saw my changes stick and came back.

 

It sounds like you're taking the right steps. Just be patient and go with the flow, but don't get your hopes up too high and be prepared for the worst. I gave myself 8 months to a year to see if I could win her back. I eventually just accepted the situation and that's when she finally asked me back.

 

Anyway good luck

 

Hi hinatticus, I wanted to send you a pm but I'm not familiar with the site. I take it I have to add you to my contacts???

 

My question was, what was your ex's(now partner again) stance throughout the time you were separated. Did she ever say to you that she "can't see it" or that it's over for her. My ex sais this, not a lot and usually when he is angry but as time goes on he also sais things like "let's just take it a day at a time and see what happens"!

 

What he sais seems to go back and forth depending on his mood, but when he sais "no no no never ever" he seems so certain of it. So many mixed messages.

 

In the first few months after you separated was this similiar with you guys?

[jhehir84]

I am beginning to see a much clearer picture.

 

What about his insecurities? He looses his business. You pick up the slack and appear to be doing well, maybe even in his mind he sees you moving away from him.

 

Then according to you, you kick him out 4 times in the last 2 years. I can see coming back after one, but the second, I would be gone for good. But he has come back 4 times, this is the love of his life you are talking about, how can he trust you that this will not happen again, and again.

 

And then there is "That's not to say that there is anyone interested, there is and a lot of opportunity . . ."

 

The first thing that you need to do is cut that person out of your life permanently. I am sure your husband is aware of this, and even if he is not, whether you realize it of not, you will be giving him subtle hints that there is some one waiting in the wings.

 

Hi 2.50 a gallon

 

I just wanted to say that the reason I pointed out that there are other interested parties is nothing to do with an ego stroke. I guess what I was trying to put across was that I am in no way wanting my ex back because I think there is no one else out there or that I am afraid of being alone.

 

I can honestly say that I have never been in any other relationship where I felt such a strong connection and I know he felt the same. We are almost the same person in so many ways, personality wise, interests, beliefs, moral values in life, our dorky sense of humour that no one else gets and even our parenting style. We are fantastically compatible in so many ways that I know that if I don't win his heart back he will always be "the one that got away" for me! The guy that was my best friend and I his.

 

He is not aware of anyone being interested though I know he just assumes there will be and he has said that. As far as having someone waiting in the wings........ they will be waiting a long long time. I can not give what I don't have to give and for the first time in my life after a break up, I feel if I can't have him then I don't want anyone else for a very long time.

[jhehir84]

Confused, did he move out or was he kicked out?

 

I chucked a mental and told him to get out and after I calmed down regretted it terribly but he will not come back!

[jhehir84]

I don't know what happened to all the posts that NYCCat made, they seemed to have disappeared??

 

After all that time he spent over the last few weeks he has had a bit of a "freak out". He said he feels like we are back together.

 

We were getting so close and I am very disappointed, I feel like he is pulling way waaaaaay back!

 

Considering last week where he said things like "if you want to do this we do it at my pace" and he just wants to take things slow.

 

Now when he pulled away I made the mistake of trying to get him to commit to something because I had him so close and didn't want to let him go. The last conversation he had with me he said "this relationship is dead and buried for me" , "I can't see it ever changing", "clearly your not ok with just taking it a day at a time".

 

To which I responded " I was and have been fine with that, I think I'm just reacting to you freaking out and I have to not do that".

 

The following day he asked if I was ok. I said to him "Do you stand by everything you said yesterday"?

 

His response was that I want more than he can give right now and he feels that he has no other choice than to cut it all off. I then suggested that we should perhaps forget about the last few days and stop having these talks right now because they make you feel pressured.

 

He has said ok to this and agreed that he is still confused and we will take it a day at a time, with no commitment but that right now he still can't see it. He can't see himself getting over the hurt and resentment.

 

Is this all normal, anyone who knows of a couple who got back together even after 1 person was adamant that they would not change their mind, and still adamant after 3 months (although he sometimes sais things that sound like they're may be a chance)???

[trippi1432]

I don't know what happened to all the posts that NYCCat made, they seemed to have disappeared??

 

I'm not sure what happened to the post either, don't know of any reason it would have been moderated and removed, it was insightful to your husband's family dynamics based on your prior post about how your two older children were treated and what set off that argument where you "threw him out".

 

I can't recall the entire post, but I based my post off of one thing that was stated in NYCcat's post about "make up sex", which is one way a man does try to make an emotional connection. In a way, it seems that is what your husband is doing, coming back for that part of the relationship, for that part of the emotional connection but he's not willing or able to take that connection to being the other half of the whole marriage right now.

 

Understandable you are willing to look at your own behavior and give him space, not push him to make a decision....but at some point, you are going to have to put your happiness first. Living in limbo is no way to live. No, that's not to say to push him, but it is saying to match his words with his actions. Loving relationships are about two people "fighting for" the relationship, it cannot always remain one-sided. Do you think he is capable of getting to that mindset again or is it a matter of convenience where he can have the relationship on his terms? Terms have to be agreeable, one would be you not having the blow ups, but would be him not sweeping your feelings under the rug about issues.

[jhehir84]

Understandable you are willing to look at your own behavior and give him space, not push him to make a decision....but at some point, you are going to have to put your happiness first. Living in limbo is no way to live. No, that's not to say to push him, but it is saying to match his words with his actions. Loving relationships are about two people "fighting for" the relationship, it cannot always remain one-sided. Do you think he is capable of getting to that mindset again or is it a matter of convenience where he can have the relationship on his terms? Terms have to be agreeable, one would be you not having the blow ups, but would be him not sweeping your feelings under the rug about issues.

 

I totally agree with you trippi, it can not go on this way forever. I'm currently trying to figure out whether or not there is any hope that he will eventually make a commitment.

 

As it stands "he still can't see it" (the words he always uses), he just doesn't think that he can forgive and forget and unfortunately this is in his nature, he is not a person who can let go easily.

 

I guess my question is......... Is this completely normal in circumstances where eventually there was reconciliation?? Is it normal to hear someone sound so certain at least up until the point that something changes in their mind and they decide to try again?

 

He stayed again Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night (wasn't here Tuesday night although he was with us at our sons "scouts investiture" until 7pm)and then he was back again last night (Wednesday) and will be staying for the next 3 nights again.

 

The reason for that this time is that I am working night shift and so he is here to watch the kids. However I am home by 9:30p.m. and he does only live 15 minutes away, it would be easy for him to just go home.

 

If he is so certain that he won't change his mind why is he here all the darn time? I'm starting to think that as long as he has an "excuse" to be here, he will be! He just won't admit that he is here simply because he wants to be.....

[jhehir84]

Ok,

 

Someone must have something to say...............

 

Desperate here lol

 

Situation still the same...... spending more than half the week here on a regular basis but is still saying "I can't see it". Last night he was a bit quiet, acting funny, I asked him what's up and he said he feels like he is leading me on because he can't see us getting back together. He said he will never have his heart broken by me again so he just won't allow himself to go there in his head.

 

He said he is still hurt.............

He said it was humiliating being kicked out and his ego and pride will not allow him to go their in his heart. So basically still hurt, resentful, untrusting and can't see it!

 

He is still looking for a place........!

 

Last night he wanted to stay and cuddle because he was feeling down after saturday (family trip we had to aquarium), he said it made him sad realising what he has lost and sad it was gone.

 

He said it made him feel better to be lying next to me in bed and just cuddling!

 

There was no attempt at sex............

 

So he is comforted by me yet he still feels all these other things......!!!!

 

Any insight on what may be going on would be greatly GREATLY appreciated.

 

 

Thanks

[Hopefulandinlove]

You seem to be doing everything right. Just don't pressure him and keep showing him you are changing. Worry about all the things he did wrong after he's back and ready to admit he's back and in love. Until then, just keep all your thoughts and worries to yourself and let him just enjoy being back. He does not want to leave, or he would have left. Men do not stay if they really want to leave.

The best way to get back a guy who is on the fence is to just enjoy your time together. Sleep together and show him love. If he does end up leaving, you will have no regrets because at least you know you did all you could. I really don't think he is wanting to actually leave. More just to make sure he see's the changes and trusts you will keep them.

[jhehir84]

Just a quick update......

 

Interestingly enough, some of you mentioned that I didn't sound as though I was bi-polar. Weeellll...... after working with me for 3 months my psychologist doesn't seem to think it is an accurate fit either!

 

Something I didn't mention in any of my earlier posts is that I have Hashimoto's Disease.

 

Which is basically an autoimmune disease where your body starts to create antibodies that attack the thyroid. Quite often auto immune disorders are triggered by stress and usually there is more than just 1 present.

 

Anyway, going back over the past few years I have whinged and whined about this god awful "foggy" "heavy headed feeling" that I would get which always correlated with the timing of any episodes I had.

 

In these moments I could never sit still for more than 5-10 minutes without falling asleep. I mean it was chronic.... no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep my head up. I would go as far as pinching my leg so hard it would bruise just to keep myself awake when I was in lectures at uni or driving home down the freeway. There is a whole lot of other little things that I can relate to on the list of symptoms also.

 

I always just put it down to being to busy and overworked.

 

As it turns out the foggy feeling is common in people with Hashimoto's Disease when the anti-bodies attack the brain tissue and cause swelling.

Stress triggers the release of cortisol, cortisol triggers the auto-immune response which then cascades from there on.

 

Heaps of info on it, here's a few links

 

The Queen and King: Autoimmune Disease and Borderline Personality Link

 

How to protect yourself from brain injury when you have Hashimoto?s hypothyroidism

 

Has Hashimoto?s hypothyroidism set your brain on fire?

 

 

1 in 6 people with Hashimoto's will experience inflammation in the brain.

 

So I'm off to see an endocrinologist. Will update when I have some results to share :-)

Edited August 21, 2013 by jhehir84

[trippi1432]

The American Endocrine Society rates the thyroid levels of TSH at .3 - 3.0. Keep that in mind as most physician's measure the blood sample from .4 to 5.0, some even as high as 7.0 as being normal range. I asked my physician to go by the Endocrine Society levels to get mine to the right levels.

 

A lot of times when you are on the high end, they won't put you on the meds to lower your TSH by using the higher measurements (indicating hypothyroidism).

 

If your psychologist put you on medications, you may need to wean off of those to get an accurate reading as well. I wouldn't suggest stopping mood altering medications cold turkey, hopefully your psychologist told you the correct way to stop the meds.

[jhehir84]

The American Endocrine Society rates the thyroid levels of TSH at .3 - 3.0. Keep that in mind as most physician's measure the blood sample from .4 to 5.0, some even as high as 7.0 as being normal range. I asked my physician to go by the Endocrine Society levels to get mine to the right levels.

 

A lot of times when you are on the high end, they won't put you on the meds to lower your TSH by using the higher measurements (indicating hypothyroidism).

 

If your psychologist put you on medications, you may need to wean off of those to get an accurate reading as well. I wouldn't suggest stopping mood altering medications cold turkey, hopefully your psychologist told you the correct way to stop the meds.

 

 

Can't remember what the TSH levels were but they tested for thyroid antibodies and they were through the roof, so probably not the best time to stop meds. I walked in on a conversation that the ex was having with his brother and over heard this....

 

"Yeah, she has been really good about it all but she still holds hopes of us getting back together so things might change when the penny drops!"

 

Anyway I guess the penny has dropped for my dumbass.

What can I say, I feel that there isn't any hope anymore and I've just been stupid.

All the stuff he has said about "taking it a day at a time" and "doing it at his pace", well I guess that's the reason I had hope, but now.......... not so much!

 

I'm sad today, feeling very rejected! He is actually putting in an application today for an apartment. First 1 he has followed through with, guess he was just waiting for the right 1 after all.

 

I told him this morning that I will make up the other bed for him for when he stays here until his place is setup properly and that I have accepted that it is over and we are not getting back together. I also said I want to remain friends and that I value his friendship.... (although I can't see this lasting when 1 of us starts dating)

his response was simply "yeah, that's cool" (in relation to the mattress).

 

I think it's time to accept the fact that it's done and dusted!!!

:(:(

Edited August 22, 2013 by jhehir84

[trippi1432]

I told him this morning that I will make up the other bed for him for when he stays here until his place is setup properly and that I have accepted that it is over and we are not getting back together. I also said I want to remain friends and that I value his friendship.... (although I can't see this lasting when 1 of us starts dating)

his response was simply "yeah, that's cool" (in relation to the mattress).

 

I think it's time to accept the fact that it's done and dusted!!!

:(:(

 

I'm so sorry to hear this jhehir.

 

None of this is easy when it comes to matters of the heart and when only one person is still in the relationship or wants to be. You are doing the right thing by making the other bed up for him and working towards your own acceptance of the situation. It's true that you cannot make someone stay where they don't want to be.....realize that this is HIS decision, not yours.

 

With no more fence-sitting on his part, you can breath and work on what is more important, you and your children. Understandable you want to remain friends, and you have a child together, so yes, you will have to co-parent.

 

Getting to this point, when you truly are accepting that it's done, gets you ahead in getting stronger and to healing.

[jhehir84]

I'm so sorry to hear this jhehir.

 

None of this is easy when it comes to matters of the heart and when only one person is still in the relationship or wants to be. You are doing the right thing by making the other bed up for him and working towards your own acceptance of the situation. It's true that you cannot make someone stay where they don't want to be.....realize that this is HIS decision, not yours.

 

With no more fence-sitting on his part, you can breath and work on what is more important, you and your children. Understandable you want to remain friends, and you have a child together, so yes, you will have to co-parent.

 

Getting to this point, when you truly are accepting that it's done, gets you ahead in getting stronger and to healing.

 

Well I am ashamed to say I back pedaled. I rang him and outright said to him & I quote!!

 

"your an a**hole!!!" , you know that! No matter how much I want to just let this go and move on I can't. Something just keeps pulling me back to you"

 

He laughed and said "I know exactly how you feel, you think I haven't tried to just walk away, I can't!"

 

I asked him if the above mentioned ^^^^ that my mood swings are actually an issue related to my hashimoto's, if that would change how he feels about things and he said yes......... but he also said he still has resentment and it's going to be a long and slow process!!

 

I don't know what this means, was he talking about me sorting it out, with all the testing and what not etc. getting it under control or was he talking about us working things out??? What will be a long slow process??

 

I didn't want to push the subject too much!

 

Should I take what I overheard him saying to his brother with a grain of salt?

His brother has recently gone through a very bitter divorce and I know he would just be telling him not to come back as his whole attitude after his divorce became "if it ain't 100% right then get out"!

 

He is very negative about all things "relationship"!

 

Anyway we are back to just what we were doing before.....!

With no end in sight, permanent f#$% buddies and working on being best mates that spend 90% of their free time together. With no talk of getting back together but both in agreement that when he gets his apartment we will still be spending weekends+++ together and doing the same thing.

 

Oh and an agreement not to sleep with other people whilst we are sleeping together......... I mean seriously wtf!!!

 

I wish I could just fast forward to a year from now!