I'm crying today!!!!x

[Eclypse]

Let me get this straight. So you and this guy are both royally screwing over your spouses who have no idea they're being screwed over. You're trying to stop and go NC but you agree to make out with him because reasons :| and now you're upset this MoM wants out and told you so. Lady, you need to get a grip . You've got a man who loves you and has no idea you're destroying his life behind his back. So if you want to make things better maybe focus on him and not getting your rocks off with some other dude.

 

And please pick someone who knows how to spell next time please!

[anne1707]

Anne I never wanted to leave my husband.

I've explained it all started out as attention, which ended up with me getting tip attached etc.

 

Never wanting to leave your husband does not mean that you are focussing on your marriage which still has problems by the way (ie wanting attention, able to become attached to another) which you are not dealing with.

 

Your head is very, very deep in that sand.

[2sunny]

Maybe he wasn't trying to be nasty. It's very possible he had real feelings for you too but never intended to end his marriage and it became obvious you were too deeply involved? Maybe he thought talking to you the way he did would snap you out of it.. Which it seems it has..

 

RL - why are you minimizing his bad behavior?

[rae_lana]

RL - why are you minimizing his bad behavior?

 

Not trying too. Just trying to look at it from that side.. Understand the why. I don't think when men do this it always means they are completely heartless. He's being an ass for sure and she should get out and this could have been his way to see that she did want out.. That's all I mean.

 

She got too attached and it was probably obvious to him. I've been on the receiving end of this kind of thing too.. She doesn't have to be sad and thinking she meant nothing to him.. I'm sure she did, but it was never going to progress and he probably felt she thought it would and so he's minimizing what they had to her to try and piss her off enough that she leaves... Just my opinion.

[BrookeM]

He'll be back again at some point. This is how these men operate. It's called push/pull. One of the things that push/pull creates is intense highs and lows, and that's what gets the person on the receiving end of this beahviour addicted to the feelings.

So they push you away, you feel horrible. Then when you least expect, they throw some crumbs your way, your heart leaps and you feel excited again.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you've deleted his number.

What about Twitter?

 

Keeping busy is a great plan - it's the only thing that got me through the first few months of strict NC after I had an affair years ago.

 

You are absolutely right Calcmag. My xMM loved to play that game. He pushed me hard too when I wouldn't respond to his desperate attempts for my attention. Then after a few days my soft heart would begin to pity him just enough to hear him out, then after a night of deep conversation and passion, he would be gone again. Sick, huh? Funny what we realize after we're able to take a step back and objectively look at the reality of it all.

 

Betsy, good for you for blocking him. I always had a hard time blocking my xMM after a fallout because my curiosity always got the best of me. Blocking is a big, strong, great move on your part. Good for you for doing what's right!

[2sunny]

Not trying too. Just trying to look at it from that side.. Understand the why. I don't think when men do this it always means they are completely heartless. He's being an ass for sure and she should get out and this could have been his way to see that she did want out.. That's all I mean.

 

She got too attached and it was probably obvious to him. I've been on the receiving end of this kind of thing too.. She doesn't have to be sad and thinking she meant nothing to him.. I'm sure she did, but it was never going to progress and he probably felt she thought it would and so he's minimizing what they had to her to try and piss her off enough that she leaves... Just my opinion.

 

Asking why never changes one thing!

 

The only right thing to ask yourself when things are miserable is "HOW am I going to make this different"? How am I going to do contrary action to CHANGE everything FOR myself?

 

There's no value in asking"why"... Unless you plan to continue being the victim.

[Helen A]

Rae Lana, you could cut the wishful thinking and false hopes. The guy's texts says it all, it is pretty blatant. Anyone who reads it can see that he really wasn't that into her. The only thing "nice" out of that is that he was kind of letting her down gently by saying he'd miss her a little, but he slapped that right out when he said "I'd get over it", lol. I felt embarrassed for the OP when I read it.

 

 

I felt embarrassed too and shamed. That made me cry for ages.

Not only had he been playing with me and we are not talking a little bit of time here , for MONTHS, he comes out and says that. I told him Saturday to leave it there he kept on insisting and then THIS is how he treats me?

Oh my god. So you'd cheat on your wife with someone you had no feelings for at all for a laugh? Tidy. Prick.

[anne1707]

But do you realise Betsy that you are playing with your husband's feelings. You are showing a lack of concern and respect for him. What you are doing to your H is far worse than anything the MOM has ever done to you.

[Helen A]

It's cruel, yes! Why have you allowed him that much power over your happiness?

 

I have absolutely no idea. I have been an idiot.

He's a gutless and spineless wimp.

[Helen A]

But do you realise Betsy that you are playing with your husband's feelings. You are showing a lack of concern and respect for him. What you are doing to your H is far worse than anything the MOM has ever done to you.

 

 

Correct Anne. And that is WHY I am never having anything to do with him again.

And I'll think about telling my hubby .....

Tho I will most likely end up on my own .

[ladydesigner]

It's cruel, yes! Why have you allowed him that much power over your happiness?

 

I have absolutely no idea. I have been an idiot.

He's a gutless and spineless wimp.

 

Most MM/MW are The one's who are not spineless are the ones who would approach their spouse about the issues in the M first or get a D, not have an A.

[anne1707]

You may or may not end up on your own. But you need to confront this situation and take responsibility for your actions. This is not something that was done to you. You did this.

[Helen A]

Anne on second thoughts no I won't tell my husbànd

 

It was an EA with one kiss that's now over.

 

Not wrecking my whole life over it. I can move on past this ill have to.

 

I KNOW I did this but it's over.

 

I've loved all the different opinions from people and the honest ones also too.

[anne1707]

Why am I not surprised at that sudden backdown. You have no ability to commit yourself to the hard work that is needed to get you beyond this.

 

If what you did was so trivial (as you seem to suggest) then why be posting about it for what 2 months now? Why not tell your husband if it is not that big a deal?

 

I shall ask yet again.

 

What are you going to do to turn this mess around?

[JustAReformedGirl]

You may or may not end up on your own. But you need to confront this situation and take responsibility for your actions. This is not something that was done to you. You did this.

 

They both did this-her and MM, that is.

 

But yes, taking responsibility for your part will go a long way, Betsy. MM is complete scum for how he's been jerking you and his W around.

 

Now, you're in a position to be the better person. You possess a sense of conscience, I'm thinking. And because of that, you're likely hurting just as much for what you're doing to your marriage as you are for what is being done to you.

 

Certainly think it over. At the very least, maintain NC and work on your marriage.

 

At the most, admit everything to your H (whilst maintaining NC) and see where it goes from there. Terrifying, I know.

 

But in the end, it's likely the better road to take...anxiety attacks be damned. O.o You'll wind up better from all of this.

[Helen A]

I posted about it again because of what happened with the kiss.

 

I'm going to do all the things I've mentioned to you in my PM yesterday.

There really is no other answer to that question now is there?

[2sunny]

It's cruel, yes! Why have you allowed him that much power over your happiness?

 

I have absolutely no idea. I have been an idiot.

He's a gutless and spineless wimp.

 

Then do counseling to find out about yourself.

 

Something is terribly wrong with you - that allowed you to cause harm to yourself and others that you claim to 'love'. That's not loving behavior.

 

Look deep inside - that's where you'll find your problem.

[Zahara]

He's a gutless and spineless wimp.

 

People who step outside of their marriages are usually gutless and spineless wimps. They wouldn't be if they had the balls to face the issues within the marriage by fixing it or leaving it instead of cheating. Get over yourself.

[anne1707]

I posted about it again because of what happened with the kiss.

 

I'm going to do all the things I've mentioned to you in my PM yesterday.

There really is no other answer to that question now is there?

 

 

All the things? The only thing you said you would do is block him. Everything else you were rather vague on and anything that required real work you said you would not do

[ladydesigner]

Anne on second thoughts no I won't tell my husbànd

 

It was an EA with one kiss that's now over.

 

Not wrecking my whole life over it. I can move on past this ill have to.

 

I KNOW I did this but it's over.

 

I've loved all the different opinions from people and the honest ones also too.

 

Hi Betsy I am a fMOW and I had my A right after I discovered my WH's first A. I thought the same thing at first about revealing what I had done. Why make things worse than they already are? But they did make things worse in my M. Even though I received counseling, sought support, changed my outlook on A's and have owned my responsibility in having had an A, there was this little thing I always knew inside that was eating me alive and that was the A that I was keeping from my H. I was not able to give myself completely to him knowing this.

 

Since my DDay and my WH's DDay we both have all the necessary information out to heal and I do not feel that wall blocking my intimacy towards WH anymore.

 

Telling your spouse will not be pleasant and it may end up in him leaving you, but do you always want to carry this with you while you are with your H? I thought I could too, but it was always there. IDK just trying to give another perspective on this.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting

[Owl]

Nope...no change. My eyesight (and foresight apparently) is still intact.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Anne on second thoughts no I won't tell my husbànd

 

It was an EA with one kiss that's now over.

 

Not wrecking my whole life over it. I can move on past this ill have to.

 

I KNOW I did this but it's over.

 

I've loved all the different opinions from people and the honest ones also too.

 

It's not the one kiss that's so much the problem but the fact that you're devastated over another man, that he is not and may not ever be number one in your heart. He is fine to make nice with, but your love and hopes for the future were with another man. I think what people are trying to point it is that you expected more from MM that your own H can expect from you. That perspective might help you to feel not quite so alienated by your MM. It's not to bad mouth you or to rub something in your face that you already know, but maybe to make it easier to reconcile being so much more emotionally distraught over one than the other.

 

Do you think much of your grief comes from hoping that he would whisk you away and make you his wife?

[Helen A]

In other words, he will throw you so far under the bus it will make your head spin. I am not trying to discourage you from telling your husband at all. He deserves to know and so does the wife!! I just think you need to face the facts that as long as you don't tell your husband you are as much of a coward as the jerk you decided to have an EA affair.

 

 

That's as may be. I've been with my husband for 18 years. I've been faithful all that time. An EA is awful but it's not marriage ruining material. Nobody will be told. I've just learned my lesson and I'll move on.

[Helen A]

It's not the one kiss that's so much the problem but the fact that you're devastated over another man, that he is not and may not ever be number one in your heart. He is fine to make nice with, but your love and hopes for the future were with another man. I think what people are trying to point it is that you expected more from MM that your own H can expect from you. That perspective might help you to feel not quite so alienated by your MM. It's not to bad mouth you or to rub something in your face that you already know, but maybe to make it easier to reconcile being so much more emotionally distraught over one than the other.

 

Do you think much of your grief comes from hoping that he would whisk you away and make you his wife?

 

 

I am really upset. I think the tears started that morning from actually taking it further , ie it's just been all text/chat but now it was a kiss. And when he said that to me I was just so upset. I don't know why I am so upset. No I never planned on him leaving his wife/us being together/me leaving my hubby. I don't know what I wanted from this really. I'm more upset that we've known each other all this time, this happens and this is what he said to me.....

I'm not sure if that makes any sense???

[Helen A]

All I can say is wow. Well, since it is not marriage ruining may as well tell your husband, amirite?? Why not tell your husband since it won't ruin your marriage.

 

No. It's over. I don't think I'm that bad.