Troubled with loss of relationship and NC

[Mariposa10]

I don't think you should take a break from LS. This is board is what helps me me keep me sane, I just never check my old thread... That would probably bring me down...

I think the most important thing to do right now is for you to hang out with people. Keep yourself busy by being around other people. You already experienced it, you said you barely thought of your ex while you were hanging out with your brother and friends.

By the way I still remember how I would wake up in the morning thinking I was still when my ex, and that our problems/breakup had only been a nightmare, but then I would remember that we had really broken up, etc... Those mornings were really painful. Hopefully soon you'll stop feeling like that.

[lylat333]

I don't mind talking about my ex and I, at least not right now. So long as I have no idea what's going on in her life.

 

Anyway, maybe he is unsure that I am serious about him. He has made a few little comments here and there that almost suggest like he's waiting for something to indicate that we ought to get back together, but they were so subtle, I never thought they were anything until right now. Could you please maybe suggest how I ought to approach the situation? Should I keep holding out on NC until he does something, or is there something that perhaps he is looking to see from me here?

I'm reluctant to speculate on other relationships and telling people what to/not do but my guess is he probably doesn't realize how emotionally invested you are. Of course you want him to come out and confess his undying love, and his feelings should be generally independent of yours...

 

How long does it usually take for him to initiate contact when you fall off the radar? If it's not long, imo, and this is strictly just my opinion, if it were me I would back off once more, and when he engages you use that to truly get down to brass tacks. It's great that the last message you sent him was telling him to get his **** together, however you put it... that's a nice note to end on before backing off.

 

I'm glad you're starting to hang out with people. It's amazing how helpful that can be when you're up for it. I have to admit I haven't been much fun to hang out with myself in the past year, but recently I've felt my old self coming back too. I'm not sure why. Maybe it has to do with clarity?

Yeah, at first I didn't want to do anything. I used to miss my brother a lot, (like when I was w/ my ex) he just moved back close enough for us to start doing things again but I've been so heartbroken I never even arranged anything. Never called anyone to do anything other than having my cousin over one night not long after I last heard from my ex.

 

I think it's hard to hang out with people because you're so used to the dynamic of doing everything with your ex. I have to be honest, it's nice to be in an enjoyable relationship and enjoy doing things with them! I can sit and watch TV for a while, but deep in the back of my mind my brain is thinking, "You know what would make this nicer? If you had your girlfriend to sit next to and cuddle up with." Now that I am single, I am able to feel happier doing the things I wasn't able to do when I was with my ex. Working out, playing the occasional video game, going out for a run, those are things I don't associate with my ex.

 

I think it's good you are at least making an effort to take care of yourself, because you are you, and you have to live with you until the day you die.

The thing my counselor told me over and over and over is to take care of myself, so I've tried to take that to heart. Even when I didn't want to eat or do anything.

 

And you're right, maybe one day she'll wake up and be like, '&^%$#%^&* I GOT TO GET TO HIM.' Good vibes, brosef, good vibes, I'm telling you.

God, that sounds so nice, ha.. maybe one day. I've tried to focus more on the things I did right instead of relentlessly beating myself up over the things I wish I did different. I remind myself of the things I did and said that it's very unlikely she will get from another guy and those are the things that she will inevitably start to miss one day. It makes me feel better.

 

I would love to help others, I try here and there. I was so lost at first, had NO clue whatsoever how to handle what was going on, didn't understand it at all.

 

I don't think you should take a break from LS. This is board is what helps me me keep me sane

Thank you, that makes me feel better. I thought I should throw the thought out there in case I am missing something and I am filling a void in my life with something I shouldn't be.

 

By the way I still remember how I would wake up in the morning thinking I was still when my ex, and that our problems/breakup had only been a nightmare, but then I would remember that we had really broken up, etc... Those mornings were really painful. Hopefully soon you'll stop feeling like that.

Also nice to hear others have dealt with the same thing. I never thought it would end like this, I can't believe things happened the way they did but that's what I've been working on understanding, processing, and eventually accepting. (I hate that word, acceptance) She is still deep in my mind even when I least expect it.

[LinkWorshiper]

I'm reluctant to speculate on other relationships and telling people what to/not do but my guess is he probably doesn't realize how emotionally invested you are. Of course you want him to come out and confess his undying love, and his feelings should be generally independent of yours...

 

He might be under the impression I just want to be with him because I don't have anybody else lined up or I haven't been in a million relationships so I'm not used to the idea of moving on or something. I think this is stupid on his part because while I haven't been in a ton of relationships, I've been in enough to know what my feelings are. I still maintain that I think he's a little afraid of something Serious, especially since I know things were Serious with the girl he was with before me, and that ended horrifically. I know he's trying to repair a lot of the issues within himself that contributed to that, so maybe he's also looking to see improvements in me. The thing is that I don't think he's gotten a handle on self-improvement enough to really recognize the subtle things I've been doing with myself... stuff that is more in how I think to myself and might not be so outwardly visible right away.

 

How long does it usually take for him to initiate contact when you fall off the radar? If it's not long, imo, and this is strictly just my opinion, if it were me I would back off once more, and when he engages you use that to truly get down to brass tacks. It's great that the last message you sent him was telling him to get his **** together, however you put it... that's a nice note to end on before backing off.

 

Well, the first time I went NC after he mentioned he was thinking of pursuing this girl, it took him three weeks, and I hadn't expected to hear anything at all. I was hanging out with his roommate (a mutual friend) who was trying his best to give me closure. He also brought me a bag of some random things of mine from the apartment (though not ALL my things, interestingly enough); inside the bag was this giant, emotional letter. Of course most people told me not to respond, but I did. Next thing I know, two weeks later, I reached out to him because I thought I heard something good he was doing, and then a week later, we were in regular contact, and he had cranked it up from 0 to 60 almost right away. Out the gate, he was in the every day contact and hanging out etc. etc.

 

But the first time I initiated NC by actually calling him up and saying to him that I couldn't be around him if he was going to pursue another girl and that I didn't want to just be in the same relationship we always had but with no sex because it was unfair. I told him all this things very plainly (I had written them down), and he had told me to get in touch with him when I felt comfortable. This time was different: my pulling back was a direct result of him being callous, and I didn't give him any speeches or anything... I just... stopped talking. Well, I tapered off, more like. But he pulled two bouts of desperate messaging to try and get me to "come back", asking me out to lunch to talk about it, saying he wanted to see what we are and where we're going, telling me I should never doubt he missed me, compliments, compliments, more compliments. I had told him I didn't think he really understood what it meant to be happy and healthy (he tried to message me this twice, both via text and FB); he said he wanted to understand, and two days later was when I told him that first he needs to stop being afraid and allow himself to.

 

I haven't heard from him since then, but he's still stalking my Tumblr at least. I think I mentioned before, I've made a point to be a little scrambly with my posts there, and overzealous on posting stuff I'm doing personally. I don't want to think of it as game playing. I want to think of it as like... a Hail Mary play. I don't know what he's going to do... though I'm kind of thinking it'll be about a week or so before he cracks. But I guess we'll see. I want to try waiting at least a few weeks before *I* do anything at least.

 

Whew! Sorry that was long!

 

I think it's hard to hang out with people because you're so used to the dynamic of doing everything with your ex. I have to be honest, it's nice to be in an enjoyable relationship and enjoy doing things with them! I can sit and watch TV for a while, but deep in the back of my mind my brain is thinking, "You know what would make this nicer? If you had your girlfriend to sit next to and cuddle up with." Now that I am single, I am able to feel happier doing the things I wasn't able to do when I was with my ex. Working out, playing the occasional video game, going out for a run, those are things I don't associate with my ex.

 

I think there is an element of having to learn how to be alone again, for sure. It's tough for me because I was always alone, and it's hard to go back to that old dynamic now that I had gotten to used to being around people, not just him. But it's good that you are working back up to speed. I still think it would be a good idea to slowly work in things that you used to do with her, even if it's hard. That was a hurdle I crossed a while back, and even still, I get a little nostalgic over certain landmarks that remind me of him. But I think it helps you function better.

 

God, that sounds so nice, ha.. maybe one day. I've tried to focus more on the things I did right instead of relentlessly beating myself up over the things I wish I did different. I remind myself of the things I did and said that it's very unlikely she will get from another guy and those are the things that she will inevitably start to miss one day. It makes me feel better.

 

Uhhhh, YEAH! You did what you could do the best you could do it. I think it's pointless for me to sit here and tell you you should have done differently, so you DEFINITELY shouldn't think that. Nothing is wrong in these matters, for the most part. You just have to do what you feel. Sometimes people take a lot of time to figure these things out. Everyone and their mom on this site keeps telling me that I shouldn't keep being so patient for my ex, but I KNOW that what we shared was unique and that he won't find it anywhere else, and that it something that keeps my hope alive. I'm not saying to think that maybe tomorrow she'll get a clue, but maybe somewhere inside, if you want it, that little hope that she will understand can live. I don't doubt there will be a day where she realizes she messed up. The only deciding factor in that is where YOU are when she gets her $hit together, haha.

[lylat333]

I think it's pointless for me to sit here and tell you you should have done differently, so you DEFINITELY shouldn't think that.

If I do anything someone thinks I should have done differently, I'm all ears. I already know I made some missteps in the falling out but I like input.

 

I'm not saying to think that maybe tomorrow she'll get a clue, but maybe somewhere inside, if you want it, that little hope that she will understand can live. I don't doubt there will be a day where she realizes she messed up. The only deciding factor in that is where YOU are when she gets her $hit together, haha.

I'm usually very skeptical of anything metaphysical, but I honest to goodness do think there is great power in expectations. I feel SO much in life is the result of what you expected to happen. Expecting failure or having a defeatist attitude is a terrible place, not just because it's so hard to get out of but you are drawn to more failure.

 

I'm starting to have those rays of hope that I will become the person I want to be and there will be vindication in the future. I also expect the best is yet to come in my relationship life. No telling what the future holds for me.

[LinkWorshiper]

If I do anything someone thinks I should have done differently, I'm all ears. I already know I made some missteps in the falling out but I like input.

 

A good comment that someone made to me is that NC can also be good for letting the old mistakes and situations die so you can come back to it like you are new people. So I wouldn't worry too much about it.

 

I'm usually very skeptical of anything metaphysical, but I honest to goodness do think there is great power in expectations. I feel SO much in life is the result of what you expected to happen. Expecting failure or having a defeatist attitude is a terrible place, not just because it's so hard to get out of but you are drawn to more failure.

 

I am incredibly prone to negative thinking and ruminating. I defeat myself before I even get started sometimes, and that goes for lots of things in life. I think if you tell yourself you are awesome and someone worthwhile and someone who she could truly recognize as a good partner, then that has a lot of influence. Because then when she interacts with you, she will think to herself, 'Damn, that's a confident, cool person. What did I doooooo? Nuuuuuuuu! Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!' (Then she falls to her knees in the rain and cries and screams at the sky. Obviously.)

 

Not that it's easy. If it means anything, my ex has started messaging me after me ignoring him. And it's only been a week! He's liking my statuses on FB too. I was like, 'Urgh, no! I should have answered!' But I remembering the key is to make myself seem unattainable and to have self confidence. He needs to come after me, and caving doesn't go with that. I am going to try and keep strong for a few weeks and see how it goes. Meanwhile, I will freak out internally and tell you guys about it!

[lylat333]

I think if you tell yourself you are awesome and someone worthwhile and someone who she could truly recognize as a good partner, then that has a lot of influence. Because then when she interacts with you, she will think to herself, 'Damn, that's a confident, cool person. What did I doooooo? Nuuuuuuuu! Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!' (Then she falls to her knees in the rain and cries and screams at the sky. Obviously.)

Oh, the rare times LS starts to make me smile. Thank you. I've rebuilt a lot of the confidence I lost when she stopped being in contact... the million dollar question is whether or not we would ever interact again. (more on that in a bit)

 

Things are going pretty well. I'm not super happy or anything yet, but it's an improvement for sure. I had a busy, active weekend and already have things to look forward to tonight and the rest of the week.

 

One interesting thing to note is I passed by my ex's roommate this past Saturday. She was helping her mom run a booth at an annual festival in my hometown. I never considered the booth would be there, let alone she would be helping. At first I thought, "Damn! If only I knew I would run into someone like her so soon, I would have been working out like a maniac or at least right before I walked by her!" Obviously I shouldn't need a reason like this to better myself. The good news is I think I was looking pretty good, I had just run a 5K and my appearance was fairly flattering. I definitely had more of a "fight" response than "flight" when I caught a glimpse of her... I hoped she'd see me and realize I really don't care to hide from her and sure as hell have no interest in acknowledging her or talking to her. If you all knew this girl, you'd understand. I would have said hi had it been a better friend.

 

I am guilty of thinking how it would be relayed to my ex. "I saw xxxxx today." "Oh really?" "Yeah, he was blah blah blah and looked like **** and you're so much better without him girl etc. etc." Who knows. Her roommate doesn't like me either so no surprise she'll have nothing positive to say. There's a chance she might not have even saw me, but just as I was walking out of view I briefly took one last look up and it looked like she was pretty much looking right my way. Then 5-10 min. later I saw her again because she walked to a trash can and we just happened to be standing nearby. I stood proud.

 

At this point it feels like the likelihood of my ex contacting me is at rock bottom. Does that mean anything? It's "only" day 59 since I heard from her, so about the 2 month mark. It feels like forever. For some reason I feel my situation is not the norm and if my ex were to contact me it would have happened by now. Now it just feels so off the radar to me.

 

On the plus side, since last weekend I've had no desire to contact my ex whatsoever. After the rollercoaster of emotions, I'm firmly on the NC train and looking forward, moving forward.

 

This week I'm planning on going to my local used game shop to ask about the card/board games people play there. I want to look into getting in on something and join a new circle of friends. I'm also going to buy some more new clothes. When I bought a couple new t-shirts a month or so ago I really liked, it definitely upped the confidence and made me feel like a new and improved person. Here's to another week stepping in the right direction.

[lylat333]

It's been a while, but I have a couple of minor updates.

 

First of all, last night I called my mom to finally ask more about the conversation that went down between her and my ex on Sep. 14, and led me to believe my ex would be calling me the next day on Sunday. I wanted to know what my ex said that made my mom think she was going to call me. Did she straight up say, "I'll call him tomorrow." or was it my mom saying, "I think you should give him a call." and my ex replying, "yeah. mm hmm." knowing she had no intention of calling. I've wondered about this because of how confident my mom sounded Sunday morning my ex would call me.

 

I grilled my mom about it and she is adamant my ex said she was going to call me and sounded completely sincere about it. This was actually a bit of relief, that my ex would be conflicted enough to have to either lie or change her mind about calling. It would have hurt more if she blew off the phone call with my mom, but that doesn't sound like the case. This story is making me sound like a mamma's boy, but I'm not at all. I don't usually ever talk to my mom about anything personal in my life, and me calling her last night like that is really out of the norm.

 

On the downside... ugh... this morning I was looking into all of the privacy settings again on Facebook. I thought about blocking some more friends of my exes. I don't want my ex snooping on me whatsoever. (though I now realize it doesn't matter how many people I block, she could still look my page up somehow if she really wanted to, she could use any account I haven't blocked or log in with a fake one)

 

I wanted to block her roommate more than anyone but I didn't want to browse to her page to do so. So I try typing in her name in the block field, not knowing what would happen, and... her name did come up along with others and associated profile pictures. In my ex's roommates tiny little profile thumbnail I can see my ex and some other girl, and it looks like they're at some club all sitting next to each other and smiling. I felt the biggest surge of emotion I've felt since I blocked my ex on Facebook... my chest got hot, my heart starting beating deep, heavy beats and I was sick to my stomach. I wish I never saw it. I promptly closed everything and am trying not to dwell on it.

 

This morning showed me how disgusted I feel towards my ex and how I don't want anything to do with her. It reminded me of the nights she was out and how I would get sick worrying and waiting for her. Ever since I've been in NC I've definitely thought more and more about the bad times instead of the good. I wish I could totally delete the possibility of her ever hurting me again or putting negative feelings in my heart.

 

At first I shifted so much blame to myself and now I'm wondering, what the hell did I do that was so wrong? Why did I get the shaft at the end? Why do I have to deal with feeling like I've been lied to and manipulated? Why does she get to go on her merry way while my heart has been in pieces? I know it's not being the bigger person but I find myself wishing something bad would happen to her.. I wish karma would bite her in the ass and I wish she would come crawling back just so I could ignore her. Last night I almost posted on LS again, I was thinking how for the first time I felt confident it's only a matter of time until my ex gets in touch. Then I played it all out in my head... she's going to text me, I'm going to ignore her. She's going to call me, I'm going to ignore her. She's going to show up, and then...? I won't even open the door. I don't care if she tries to fight but then gives up and never comes back... at least she will know this ship has sailed. I'm still hurting, but after what she did she can't be with me again. I don't care who flocks to you in the clubs, I will be the one you can't get.

 

I'm still sick to my stomach... this whole past couple of months or so has been really rough. I knew it was going to be bad... and even though I've gotten a little better I hate I've spent almost every waking moment thinking about her and dealing with this. Meanwhile she shows no feeling at all.

[BC1980]

I think it's good that you don't want anything to do with her. I'm slowly getting more and more distant with my ex. When I really think about him, I objectively see why I would not want to be with him right now.

 

NC has really given me a clear picture of him. He would say and do things that led me to believe he was committed. Then, he would panic when he actually had to commit. All these instances that I forgave are all so clear to me now. Even if he came back, how would I believe him or trust him again? I think there is a high chance that he would simply bolt again when things got too real.

 

Pretty much all my family and friends have said to just chalk this up to a learning experience and cut my losses. He is hot and cold, back and forth. I had to do what he couldn't, and that is completely let go and cut contact.

[lylat333]

Thanks for posting. I had lunch with a coworker today and spent the whole time asking him about his relationship history, his past breakups and what experience he has being the dumper/dumpee and any experiences he had with rebounds. Anything I can do to better understand what's going on because it feels so unfair.

 

Pretty much all my family and friends have said to just chalk this up to a learning experience and cut my losses. He is hot and cold, back and forth. I had to do what he couldn't, and that is completely let go and cut contact.

 

I didn't want another "learning experience", I wanted to believe this relationship would be more. Before I met my recent ex I thought I had it all figured out, you know? No more pain... I know what to do now. But here I am, crawling back out of the depths of hurt learning about things I never knew I'd have to deal with.

 

Commitment was an issue for us, too. She wanted to commit but I had a really hard time feeling I could put all my trust in her. Then after the breakup I felt I made a huge mistake... I should have gotten over some of this stuff a long time ago and we should have moved in together instead of her buying her own house. I've worried she sees me as the reason for why this didn't work. But now, I think of her and I feel her actions will vindicate my concerns. I loved her but I don't think she knew how to transition to a serious relationship. I remember when she made fun of the married couple she is friends with for them setting boundaries with each other, she thought they were silly.

 

I don't know know much about rebound relationships and have no experience with them but I think she is a prime candidate for one. I can't help but hope as the dumpee it crashes and burns. I hope she realizes she didn't allow herself time to heal and she tried to fill the void of our relationship with an infatuation. I've been searching through some LS threads and when I read accounts of dumpers getting back in touch after 3, 4, 6 months or come crawling back after a failed rebound... I have to admit it makes me feel better. It gives me hope and I feel like it allows me to continue to function without stressing so much and believe everything will work out.

 

I don't want false hope, and I know my ex may meet someone soon if she hasn't already and end up being with them for a long period of time. I've already experienced with my first ex - her meeting someone 2 months after our almost 7 years and still being with him almost 2 years later. I dunno... I get in a really bad place when I feel like I have no hope or consider the possibility my recent ex will never miss me and is already over me for good. Like I'm not strong enough to let everything go and throw any remaining hopes in the trash can.

[lylat333]

Here are the numbers... I think numbers are relevant so I can see when/how I progressed and other people can use it as a reference.

 

79 days since the true breakup and last phone call with my ex.

59 days since I attempted contact with her (NC as far as she's concerned)

35 days since blocking her on Facebook (true NC)

29 days since the hiccup of my mom calling her

 

For the first time in over a week, I don't feel horrible. Maybe it's because today was a work holiday? (I'm sure it helps.)

 

Yesterday I hit my most recent valley when I went into a Halloween store with my friend because we have a Halloween party we're going to at the end of the month. One of the first things I noticed after walking in were the wall of... sexy women's outfits. I immediately thought of my ex, I'm sure she'll be wearing one again this year and it made me want to vomit thinking of her being with whoever the night she wears it and blah blah blah. I wanted to get my outfit, get out of the store and start getting the bad taste out of my mind.

 

However, after that I got to spend the whole rest of the day with my friend, must longer than I anticipated and crashed at his place. It really helped take my mind off my ex, we weren't even talking about her at all. It's one of the closest times I've felt I was getting "me" back and functioning normally.

 

Well, I did have an enlightening conversation with him in the middle of the day yesterday that I have to say made me feel a lot better. He still has a hole in his heart over a girl he let go 5 years ago. Crazy thing is he broke up with her for no great reason and didn't even see anyone else for a nice chunk of time.

 

I always knew he was torn up over how the whole thing went down but I never knew what caused him to have a change of heart or how long it took. I thought it was when she got into the relationship she's in now. But that wasn't it. He answered right away it took him 8 months and that's when he started to have a change of heart about it. During that 8 months they weren't in contact at all and I'm sure she would have taken him back if he would've come forward. He said he was so ashamed with how he broke up with her he couldn't approach her again. She didn't try to beg him back, but I think she was in such a state of complete shock she couldn't be around him.

 

Granted, my friend was only 22-23 when this happened, still pretty young and he had not been in a lot of relationships. However... the reason why this story made me feel better is NOT because it made me hope she will contact me after 8+ months (nice as it would be) but because it reminded me the dumpee should not take it as a personal failure when the person they thought they loved is acting so strange. We got into a conversation about how ugly dumpers/the partner in power can be. I asked if he was cold to her he said, "Oh, yes. I was heartless." Dumpees can never understand the huge emotional disconnect that seems to happen so suddenly.

 

I can look back on my relationship with my ex and see a couple of clear things I wish I would have handled differently. I know I can't make myself out to be someone who was the perfect boyfriend and didn't play any part in our falling out. But, and I don't want to lie to myself about this... I know I loved her and cared about her. I know I never gave up on the relationship like my ex did. She not only gave up on us but said several things that troubled my heart while we were together.

 

I DON'T know all the intimate details for why she left me, all I have is the strong suspicion there was at least one other person coming into the picture. Maybe she lied, maybe she didn't. Maybe she has carried herself better than I could have ever imagined since she's been single. All I DO know is she told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore, and I DID try at the end. I was 100% sincere in my reconciliation attempts towards the end, made it crystal clear I wanted to be with her and was willing to do what it took to see us succeed. Sure I should have gone into NC earlier, I shouldn't have ever gotten emotional in front of her, but those are mistakes I can forgive myself for.

 

Do I still wish she would contact me? Yes. But I don't expect it to happen like I have been. Up until now I have taken each day that passes without contact as a personal failure. I am now coming to the understanding that her not being in contact with me is more to do with her, not me. She is either A) not the person I desperately hoped she was, and feels better off without me. Not the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with. or B) unable to contact me because of some personal issue she has. And I know she has some issues (as do I) whereas at first I put her on a pedestal believing she is the one who had everything figured out and I was the clueless dumpee. Not so, I know for a fact we both had room to grow.

 

It has taken time and interaction with others (online and off) for me to get where I am. It wasn't a switch I could flip overnight. I hope this feeling lasts or begins to become more familiar - there's not much left for me to beat myself up over. I am trying my best.

 

I'm more steadfast than ever in NC, never a desire to contact her and I have no plans to ever unblock her on FB. I see a lot of posts on LS about people who remain in LC with their ex and I can hardly think of a single time it's ever done any good. Cut them out of your life, it will speed up the proper outcome. Not our place to revive a relationship they gave up on.

[lylat333]

I felt compelled tonight to come on here and thank everyone on LS and also encourage others.

 

It's only been 4 days since my last post, but these past 2-3 days I have felt better than ever, I'm starting to feel a peace slooowly creeping up on me I have never felt for almost 3 months now. Before I would only feel really positive for a fleeting moment or maybe an hour or two, and I would still spend a crazy amount of time thinking about my ex and spinning my wheels. This is a sustained peace.

 

I know I'm probably not out of all the hills and valleys, but it does get better. To anyone else out there going through the pain and confusion, keep hanging on. And know that you are NOT alone.

 

I also feel like I'm regaining power. Even though I have no idea how my ex feels... and frankly I don't really care. My love for myself is slowly starting to return, I'm doing the things *I* want to do and am no longer letting my ex rule my every thought. If I want to sit down and relax, I do it. If I want to work out, I do it, and I have been and I'm so excited about where I'm going to be 3, 6 months from now. Before I couldn't even think that far in the future, I wanted everything to happen now. It's like I wanted something to happen before my ex slipped even further away. But the truth is, she slipped away when she cut off contact with me. And I am so, so happy to have blocked her, her friends, and all of her family out of my life.

 

Thank goodness for NC. It was the key to my healing.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I hope you're feeling better. Don't worry about her going to clubs and stuff. My ex did that whilst we were together, but never mentioned it to me online. I only knew by her twitter and re-activating my old facebook account.

 

Protip: If you're friends with someone on fb and you deactivate your account that person can NOT delete you from their friends because whilst it's deactivated you're not on anyone list. So everytime you reactivate your account you are their friend again, but they won't even know unless they see you in their friends list, but just deactivate after snooping.

 

But yeah I saw loads of those types of photos with her drinking etc but it's funny because it's a sad lonely existence. On the outside they are all "look at me happy living it up" but inside they are lonely and filling a void. Your ex has to find someone better than you and there is nothing wrong with you, she might be on an ego trip because of self esteem issues by dumping you.

 

The dating world out there is **** right now, everyone just wants a quick ****. Just keep strong man and remember this person isn't the person you thought she was until she comes back with an explanation!

[lylat333]

(post-edit: wow, this post turned out way longer than I expected... )

 

But yeah I saw loads of those types of photos with her drinking etc but it's funny because it's a sad lonely existence. On the outside they are all "look at me happy living it up" but inside they are lonely and filling a void. Your ex has to find someone better than you and there is nothing wrong with you, she might be on an ego trip because of self esteem issues by dumping you.

 

The dating world out there is **** right now, everyone just wants a quick ****. Just keep strong man and remember this person isn't the person you thought she was until she comes back with an explanation!

 

Sad lonely existence, huh? Maybe. I dunno, some people seem to enjoy it even though I don't understand it. My ex confused me while we were together. It definitely looked like our relationship made that lifestyle seem less appealing and she was moving past it, but then I've had times where I wondered if she always enjoyed it more than she let on.

 

I'm sure she was on an ego trip after she bailed, especially with me coming off pathetic the last time we were together. I do believe in a "dumper's high", I definitely experienced it when I left my other ex. Few days before the last time I saw her, she posted some music video and was like, "I love this song, the lyrics are so inspiring!" (I thought it was quite dumb and stupid) right at the time I'm a nervous wreck and right after she told me she wasn't really feeling it and didn't expect us to work out. The message of the lyrics was basically, "I'm on top of the world, nothing can stop me."

 

I really, really doubt I'll ever get an explanation. I have no hard evidence what she's been up to since we cut contact, only strong assumptions. But I feel 99% confident she would have went back to who she was before she met me. And once I found out more about her past lifestyle, it was clear to me that was a person I wouldn't have ever wanted to date. She really seemed to change when she met me, though, honestly. We saw each other over the course of more than a year and only saw each other drunk a couple times.

 

I like your mindset though... I try to keep the positive vibes going. I consider the possibility she may be happy to be rid of me, and for all I know that may be true but it does drag me down to think that. So instead... I just think, hey, I like who I am and I'm not making apologies for it. It's her prerogative to go after what she wants and if that's not me I shouldn't let it be such a hit to my ego.

 

Just a week more and I'll hit the 90 day post-BU milestone! 3 months of nothing but coping and finally healing. I've still been doing well the past couple of days, thinking about my ex much less.

 

It is a bit of a downer that I seriously doubt I'll ever hear from her again. I refuse to reach out to her. Even 2-3 years in the future, even if I'm single again and have pretty much moved on I will have too much pride (respect?) for myself to reach out to the person who broke my heart the way she did.

 

On a somewhat related note, today I was thinking back to when we were still FB friends and the evening I saw her share something her mom put up... it was the list of Bible verses for various types of personal emergencies. It was so bizarre and out of place. Quite the contrast from the music video she posted a few weeks before that, and she very rarely posted links. I wanted to go back and see where in the post-BU timeline that happened, if it was before or after either of breaks of NC. (using this thread as my reference, not FB!) It was after. Even though I'm not so hung up on this anymore it feeds into my strong gut feeling things did not add up concerning the breakup, the whole thing gives me a very unsettling feeling.

 

One of my best friends went through a heart-wrenching breakup several years ago with his high-school sweetheart. They were having nagging issues for a while but one night he got drunk at a party and made out with this "super hot girl" (ugh). Of course he knew that was the last nail in the coffin and he pushed towards breakup. But, he never told her the truth, and still hasn't! They stopped being friends for at least a year or two and have since re-connected and are on friendly terms with each other but I find it fascinating (and scary) she still doesn't know that happened and will never know. I dunno, me personally? I wouldn't want to re-connect with someone if I never felt they came clean with me. She's a sweet girl and it seems like an injustice to be his friend again and ease his guilt.

 

NC only makes more and more sense the longer I stick with it and abide by it. I figure if any of my ex's friends wonder why I felt compelled to block her out of my life, the burden is on her to explain it - not me!

Edited October 21, 2013 by lylat333

[Lostfairie]

I just finished reading through your thread... So much has happened!

 

First, I think you are doing great! I'm so proud of you for keeping NC. I can tell you, from personal experience, that it's one of the hardest things I've ever done! Also, it's pretty fantastic that you deleted her from FB. I know how much of a part of your life it is and having that outlet as a way of understanding what's going on in her life no longer available to you must have been really tough. Neither my ex nor I really use Facebook... He does more than I, with an average of one post a month maybe... But I still keep looking at it even though he hasn't posted one thing. He never really had any pics of me on it, but his last activity was his friend posting pics of him and I out dancing one night. I keep looking to see if he'll untag it (or whatever it is one does in those circumstances), but it stays up. I don't think he'll ever take it down, bc honestly I don't think he really thinks about it at all.

 

On your mom... I know it's kind of late in the game to even comment, but that really sucks:-/. I would be so upset with my mother if she did that. I'm certain she had the best of intentions, but argh!!! I'm so sorry. It is a good thing that she didn't call you though, whether it seems like it or not.

 

My ex spent almost 3 days with my mother a few weeks ago. He had left his truck and his motorcycle at their house and wanted to sell them right before moving. I had to coach my mother like 15 times not to say one word about me... Which she didnt, but I think in our parents views they think "how can this person not be completely in love with my baby boy (or girl)... They are so perfect!" So they can't possibly imagine the implications on what we are trying to achieve.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the right things man! Working on you and whatnot. I really think you are coming to the end of the tunnel now... Just keep your eyes on the prize;-)

[lylat333]

First, I think you are doing great! I'm so proud of you for keeping NC. I can tell you, from personal experience, that it's one of the hardest things I've ever done! Also, it's pretty fantastic that you deleted her from FB. I know how much of a part of your life it is and having that outlet as a way of understanding what's going on in her life no longer available to you must have been really tough.

Thank you so much for the encouragement. The clicks to block her were the hardest part, but once I did that, there was no turning back. Since then I did accidentally stumble across a profile thumbnail of her roommate, which included my ex and some other girl all with glowstick necklaces and that made me sick to my stomach.

 

Some time after that, while signed into an alt FB account to check my original ex's profile (which doesn't hurt/bother me, even though I probably shouldn't do it) I was scrolling through some likes on my own page on something and came across my ex's name, and profile picture. When I hovered my mouse over her name I saw her most recent cover photo of her and 4 of her girlfriends out somewhere. Again, this totally f-ed up my day, I think just seeing her drags me down. I will admit I did clicked on her profile solely to see the cover photo better because I was wondering who all was in it. I literally shielded my eyes from seeing any possible comments or likes... and.. my ex looked different. Just from the waist up it looked like she had lost weight and she's already pretty thin, to the point her face looked pale and a bit sickly to me. Ever since then I've strictly avoided anything. When you say, "I know how much of a part of your life it is and having that outlet as a way of understanding what's going on in her life no longer available to you must have been really tough." it's actually made things easier for me. The moment I blocked her I felt relief. Before I was checking checking checking for new info, now I don't want to know anything.

 

On your mom... I know it's kind of late in the game to even comment, but that really sucks:-/. I would be so upset with my mother if she did that. I'm certain she had the best of intentions, but argh!!! I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I was not too happy and am still not thrilled with it, even though I know my mom meant well. I completely agree w/ what you said: "I think in our parents views they think "how can this person not be completely in love with my baby boy (or girl)... They are so perfect!" So they can't possibly imagine the implications on what we are trying to achieve."

 

My mom has actually been getting on my nerves big time in general. I cringe to think how she was talking to my ex the short time they were on the phone. I'm thankful my ex seemed to like my mom so much, hopefully that managed to help but I don't know. Last time I was over at my parents' I asked to check something on my mom's phone and deleted my ex's number out of it.

 

I've been functioning emotionally much better, too bad I've been sick for a week now. Other than that, I'm glad I don't feel so utterly depressed. I still have a long ways to go, and would really like to meet someone new at some point, but I'm not rushing a thing.

Edited October 23, 2013 by lylat333

[flight E]

Just push on. Everyone is not the same but most people on this site are going thru something similar. No contact is meant to clear your head so that you can think straight. It's meant to make you get over being emotional and needy becos it smells from a mile off. When you are healed you can revisit the issue. Was this girl actually worth that much. Shld I reach her. Then you can decide with a clear head. I didn't block my ex on social media but one way or the other I never checked her page even once. I guess it reaches a point where you r just tired and you move on

[BC1980]

Thank you so much for the encouragement. The clicks to block her were the hardest part, but once I did that, there was no turning back. Since then I did accidentally stumble across a profile thumbnail of her roommate, which included my ex and some other girl all with glowstick necklaces and that made me sick to my stomach.

 

Some time after that, while signed into an alt FB account to check my original ex's profile (which doesn't hurt/bother me, even though I probably shouldn't do it) I was scrolling through some likes on my own page on something and came across my ex's name, and profile picture. When I hovered my mouse over her name I saw her most recent cover photo of her and 4 of her girlfriends out somewhere. Again, this totally f-ed up my day, I think just seeing her drags me down. I will admit I did clicked on her profile solely to see the cover photo better because I was wondering who all was in it. I literally shielded my eyes from seeing any possible comments or likes... and.. my ex looked different. Just from the waist up it looked like she had lost weight and she's already pretty thin, to the point her face looked pale and a bit sickly to me. Ever since then I've strictly avoided anything. When you say, "I know how much of a part of your life it is and having that outlet as a way of understanding what's going on in her life no longer available to you must have been really tough." it's actually made things easier for me. The moment I blocked her I felt relief. Before I was checking checking checking for new info, now I don't want to know anything.

 

 

Yeah, I was not too happy and am still not thrilled with it, even though I know my mom meant well. I completely agree w/ what you said: "I think in our parents views they think "how can this person not be completely in love with my baby boy (or girl)... They are so perfect!" So they can't possibly imagine the implications on what we are trying to achieve."

 

My mom has actually been getting on my nerves big time in general. I cringe to think how she was talking to my ex the short time they were on the phone. I'm thankful my ex seemed to like my mom so much, hopefully that managed to help but I don't know. Last time I was over at my parents' I asked to check something on my mom's phone and deleted my ex's number out of it.

 

I've been functioning emotionally much better, too bad I've been sick for a week now. Other than that, I'm glad I don't feel so utterly depressed. I still have a long ways to go, and would really like to meet someone new at some point, but I'm not rushing a thing.

 

I'm glad you are feeling better. I would also rather meet someone new rather than go back to my ex. It's funny how time does its thing. It does make me sad to think of the memories we made. Things we can never do again. I actively make sure I streer away from reminiscing. It gets you into a lot if trouble.

[smuggy95]

keep us on the updates! Esp if you find someone new. Your posts gave me hope in my darkest times, and I am finally moving on for real too.

I still check for her email everytime I open my inbox. I hope to be friends, and each time it is still disappointing, but doesn't hurt anymore.

[lylat333]

keep us on the updates! Esp if you find someone new. Your posts gave me hope in my darkest times, and I am finally moving on for real too.

 

Wow, really? I would have never guessed. I worried I was being a nuisance at times but post here on occasion because it helps me and is a release. If you ever need some support or anything like that, I will help if I can.

 

I do have a minor update - I had a girl over at my house for the first time in 3 months! I first met her a few weeks ago through a married couple I'm friends with. Even though I did not feel very attracted to her, she is smart and also lives alone in the same city as me which is very hard to come by. So I wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to at least meet a new friend.

 

The good: She is intelligent, kind, and defied my expectations in some areas, in a good way. Conversation flowed pretty well, and I felt like I was able to be myself around her for the most part.

 

The bad: Still no attraction, so I desire nothing more than friendship. Also, I did think of my ex here and there. It did make me wish I could turn the clock back and have my ex sitting there, when the attraction was high, I had the butterflies... and everything seemed to be going pretty well... but those days are gone. And it made me upset to think I can only assume she's been able to find someone she finds attractive enough to experience a lot of those same emotions again. It drives me crazy sometimes not understanding why things ended the way they did, and what the reason would be for her never reaching out again. (is she happy to be rid of me or is she ashamed/embarrassed with how she handled it?)

 

Beyond all that, I am in contact with 2 other girls right now! Only problem is I don't expect anything to come out of those either, but it helps my bruised ego a bit. To be talking to 3 different girls I feel are probably attracted to me and I could get if I wanted.

 

Tomorrow morning I've got a massage scheduled. Then I'm making a solo trip 2 hours away to a botanical garden I haven't been to in several years. I've slacked on visiting nature-y areas and this is one I really liked when I visited it and I have a spot I plan to get a beautiful fall photo to put as my Facebook cover photo. Then I have a trivia night to go to tomorrow night. Sunday I'm hosting another game night with my adult game night group.

 

So, this weekend is pretty jam-packed with things to keep me busy, more busy than usual. I'm still doing pretty well, I still think of my ex, but I know it's not as constant as it used to be even if I don't always notice things getting better.

 

My confession is I still hold out hope I will hear from her. I can't seem to let that hope go. It seems like the only thing that would make any sense and not leave me a forever bitter person. But I really do feel better about myself, and NC has finally allowed me to regain a sense of self-respect. I feel I am proving to myself and my ex I really don't need her in my life.

 

As I was typing this I just got a few Facebook messages from one of the girls I mentioned... this one is actually kinda cute but she doesn't live near here anymore.

 

Who knows what the next few months hold, but I figure the next 3-4 months is bound to be easier than what I just went through, and I have to believe I will be doing better then. Focusing on loving myself and expecting to find someone I can truly feel happy with and not have to feel all these **** emotions over someone. I don't know when the day will be but I can't wait when the day comes I can finally come back on LS and be in the light at the end of the tunnel.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Yep I read every post in this thread too, first thing in the morning or night.

 

I haven't been talking to any girls yet. I have this hope that her breaking up with me is a blessing in disguise and I find someone even better. It must be horrible comparing everyone to your ex

 

About the dumpers high. What if we all just agreed to the break-up in a confident cold manner? These people LOVED us at one point. I know my ex would do anything for me, she said her biggest fear was losing me. So when they DO drop us by their own will they must feel better than us. THEN we turn around and act needy so maybe they think, wait this guy needs me I can actually do better than him.

 

They must think if I can have this much power over you, I can find someone the same or at least better.

 

It's such a power struggle. I never used to look at my ex like I do now. Now I can't have her it's like... is she too good for me? They must think...I can have him anytime I want, why rush, why worry, yeah I miss him but I can just keep going until I feel better.

 

Now if we'd of started the break-up by agreeing and going NC they would TRULY be without us. They would be in the same boat, knowing there is no way back, no safety net. They would be truly single like us. I wish I broke up with her first because I saw it coming and I wasn't happy in the relationship either.

 

Before we broke up I was in the state of mind, yeah I'm unhappy but I still have her, I can just keep going until I'm better. I wish I broke up instead of kept going. I'm angry she gets to move on so easy knowing I'm devastated.

 

It's been 6 weeks since break-up for me and 3 weeks NC.

[lylat333]

personal aside: I overslept this morning and missed my massage appointment! So I rescheduled it 2 hours behind what it was supposed to be and that really puts a crunch on visiting the botanical garden I wanted to go to. But, I'm still going to go even though it means I'll be on the road 4 hours to only visit there for about 1 hour!

 

The breakup probably will be a blessing in disguise for you eventually. Maybe it's because of infatuation and chemicals in the brain but I've found every time I fall for someone it feels like the best thing yet. Also, our breakups are big learning experiences. I've never had to go through anything like this before and I feel I know what to do to prevent myself from ever finding myself in this situation again.

 

I personally believe in a dumper's high as I've mentioned several times before on this site. Even though it doesn't feel good to dump someone, there is a sense of relief after having done it and the power is generally shifted much more towards the dumper.

 

You said, "I never used to look at my ex like I do now. Now I can't have her it's like... is she too good for me?" Well, I read an interesting quote a while back somewhere. It was, "When you put someone on a pedestal they have no choice but to look down on you." And that is what the dumper experiences in a nutshell unless the dumpee has the wisdom to go NC immediately.

 

But I wouldn't beat yourself up for not going NC immediately, because it is very normal. And, even though it seems to hurt our case, it does show you care which may work in the dumpee's favor in the event the dumper ever has a change of heart. When my other ex got with someone else after I dumped her part of what killed me so much is I knew without a shadow of a doubt I had no one to blame but myself. She begged, pleaded... did everything she could to try and work things out and I shut her down at every turn. I abused that power but it really came back to bite me in the ass at the end even though it meant we didn't end up reconciling.

 

I personally don't think much about wishing I would have broken up with my ex first. A reconciliation is what I really wanted, that's what I went for, I chose vulnerability over the power struggle. Sure, dumping her would have probably made me feel better than her dumping me, but that was the risk I took. I thought breaking up was a mistake and I still feel that way.

 

Congrats on staying out of contact with her, but anyone here will tell you it's not NC unless you're not stalking her even online. My experience is the more you can put an air-tight seal on your ex, the better the healing goes. And you will work your way towards the territory I feel I'm getting to on regaining my self-respect and I believe I am experiencing a shift of power. Sooner or later my ex is going to realize she doesn't have complete control of me if she doesn't already. She can't ride out the power I gave her forever and I have made the choice to believe that over time, positive feelings towards me will grow and the negative ones will subside.

 

But, I'm never going to contact her to find out where things are and I'm not going to pretend to really know how she feels. I put myself first in all areas, I owe my ex nothing.

Edited October 26, 2013 by lylat333

[lindsay1990]

Hey Lylat, I feel I am ending up with similar conclusions, at least from what I read. Glad I stopped by to read this.

 

The breakup probably will be a blessing in disguise for you eventually. Maybe it's because of infatuation and chemicals in the brain but I've found every time I fall for someone it feels like the best thing yet. Also, our breakups are big learning experiences. I've never had to go through anything like this before and I feel I know what to do to prevent myself from ever finding myself in this situation again.

 

I have a similar sentiment to this most days, but in my case I can't help but feel it has made me a little jaded, a little cynical. Like, part of me knows my "actual" mistakes (like being impulsive, and pressing for reassurance, etc.) but another part of me considers the mistake having been so vulnerable in the first place. I can't help but feel that part of the things that make me feel better equipped for a situation like this are mostly rooted in a loss of innocence, you know what I mean? Mostly, from an understanding that (without making people be bad) people do just change their feelings, or if they can't help it, they won't tell you until it's too late... idk if I'm making sense. But I'm curious from reading you say you are better prepared, so I wonder if it's in the face of your legitimate shortcomings but also the other part, a sort of disenchantment?

 

 

I personally believe in a dumper's high as I've mentioned several times before on this site. Even though it doesn't feel good to dump someone, there is a sense of relief after having done it and the power is generally shifted much more towards the dumper.

 

This, this relates to what I ultimately feel jaded about myself. I haven't read people refer to this as much but whenever I see something similar, in the three months post-break-up, I personally can't help but see most things as a power struggle now and I dreeeeead it now. Like, I can't unsee me handing the power over completely in my relationship and becoming somewhat of a doormat, I can't unsee how I handled the break-up, and I can't unsee that the handful of times I backed the heck off during the breakup (23 days living together) my ex would somewhat doubt his intent and kinda try to get back together... it's like, in everything I see a power struggle now and now I really just see things in terms of someone always having the upper hand. Ugh.

 

I personally don't think much about wishing I would have broken up with my ex first. A reconciliation is what I really wanted, that's what I went for, I chose vulnerability over the power struggle. Sure, dumping her would have probably made me feel better than her dumping me, but that was the risk I took. I thought breaking up was a mistake and I still feel that way.

 

I completely identify with this entire paragraph.

 

 

Congrats on staying out of contact with her, but anyone here will tell you it's not NC unless you're not stalking her even online. My experience is the more you can put an air-tight seal on your ex, the better the healing goes. And you will work your way towards the territory I feel I'm getting to on regaining my self-respect and I believe I am experiencing a shift of power. Sooner or later my ex is going to realize she doesn't have complete control of me if she doesn't already. She can't ride out the power I gave her forever and I have made the choice to believe that over time, positive feelings towards me will grow and the negative ones will subside.

 

 

I agree with the fact that they can't ride out the power forever, it's so sad to realize that at the most basic level this is what ultimately drove them, while we, in this case, were kind of riding the love instead, ha.

I do wonder though if the positive feelings will prevail, what do you mean in your case? Do you mean the respect and dignity for you will recover, or simply that she will forget the reasons for the break up?

 

 

But, I'm never going to contact her to find out where things are and I'm not going to pretend to really know how she feels. I put myself first in all areas, I owe my ex nothing.

 

^ I had never done this, and this is what I struggle with everyday. I realize everyday a bit more that there must have been seriously lacking in my self-esteem, or at the very least, in my perspective to have clung so hard to the relationship, to my ex, not only in the months leading up to the break-up but also when things unravelled (and my extreme shock and denial).

 

 

Aaaanyway, got me to thinking what you posted

[lindsay1990]

Here are the numbers... I think numbers are relevant so I can see when/how I progressed and other people can use it as a reference.

 

79 days since the true breakup and last phone call with my ex.

59 days since I attempted contact with her (NC as far as she's concerned)

35 days since blocking her on Facebook (true NC)

29 days since the hiccup of my mom calling her

 

 

 

I'm:

 

104 days since true breakup.

81 days since moving out.

71 days since receiving breadcrumbs email ("I love you and wish you only the best")

66 days since replying to breadcrumbs emails saying EFF OFF. NC since.

 

... I feel kind of pathetic that for a better part of this timeline I was actually expecting my ex to contact me :/

I mean, if he didn't have a change of heart in the 23 days that I still lived with him, begged incessantly and was packing all my stuff to leave the country for good... how much in denial could I have been to have expected something after? *shudders* I scare myself sometimes

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Yep this is how I feel too. When people fall in love they usually fancy someone they think is above them or they can't have. When they fall out of love it's the opposite, they realize they can have them so they don't want them. That's why people get jealous and stuff when the dumpee finds someone new, the dumper doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you because they lose power.

 

I too see things as a power struggle now, I'll never give that much power to anyone ever again. To be honest I wouldn't of done this time, I'm a firm believer if someone doesn't want to be with you why fight. Just this time I thought because I hurt it was different but it's not. She still didn't want to hear me out.

 

What makes me cynical and jades is all her promises in the past now look like lies. Our relationship wasn't what I thought it was. She isn't who I thought she was.

 

I too chose vulnerability over power. That's because I still love her and wanted her back. But doing the opposite would of worked better for me, but then I might of lived wandering what if. I still think it's a mistake breaking up even though she says it's for the best and I'll be much happier. Really she means SHE will be.

 

It's definitely an ego trip for my ex, she's totally changed into someone else now.

 

"When you put someone on a pedestal they have no choice but to look down on you."

 

That is a great quote I will always remember that.

 

Eventually I will stop keeping tabs on her online. Right now it's just eye opening how much she's changed and doesn't give a damn. At the moment I don't even want to talk to her unless it's about working it out. Down the line in the next few months after it's all confirmed this isn't temporary I won't even want anything to do with her, she'll be truly dead and gone to me.

 

Great last sentence you wrote too, I feel like I owe me ex nothing anymore, I've already apologized for my mistakes and asked for another chance. I'm glad I didn't go NC straight away just to show I'm the one that didn't quit, I'm the one that didn't give up in the end, she did.

 

Now she has to deal with finding someone better than me and there was nothing wrong with me. Sure I wasn't perfect but it's hard to meet new people that genuinely want more than a ****. I know she's going to be in a relationship really soon because she can't be alone, she said she wants to find herself but that will be funny when she's soon in another relationship. Like I said all her words look like lies.

[Mariposa10]

I'm:

 

104 days since true breakup.

81 days since moving out.

71 days since receiving breadcrumbs email ("I love you and wish you only the best")

66 days since replying to breadcrumbs emails saying EFF OFF. NC since.

 

... I feel kind of pathetic that for a better part of this timeline I was actually expecting my ex to contact me :/

I mean, if he didn't have a change of heart in the 23 days that I still lived with him, begged incessantly and was packing all my stuff to leave the country for good... how much in denial could I have been to have expected something after? *shudders* I scare myself sometimes

 

I think that happens to everybody, it's always hard to lose hope...