Troubled with loss of relationship and NC

[Mariposa10]

I feel like you've made great progress, but now reading about how you want to contact your ex, I don't know.... It's also a great sign that you were able to read those old messages without feeling like crap.

 

So if you were to contact her, what would your expectations be? Because you said that you would not be interested in having a relationship with her now that time has passed? Would you be ok being friends? Or do you want "closure" if there's such a thing?

 

Also not to hijack your thread, but....

 

NC is sooo weird... I feel like it's given me so much clarity, so much clarity that it makes me scared? I'm starting to feel like I could be friends with my ex again? I feel like I've forgiven him and I am not interested in having a romantic relationship with him anymore. How weird is all this?

 

Or am I getting melancholic because an event we planned on going together is getting near?

[BC1980]

I feel like you've made great progress, but now reading about how you want to contact your ex, I don't know.... It's also a great sign that you were able to read those old messages without feeling like crap.

 

So if you were to contact her, what would your expectations be? Because you said that you would not be interested in having a relationship with her now that time has passed? Would you be ok being friends? Or do you want "closure" if there's such a thing?

 

Also not to hijack your thread, but....

 

NC is sooo weird... I feel like it's given me so much clarity, so much clarity that it makes me scared? I'm starting to feel like I could be friends with my ex again? I feel like I've forgiven him and I am not interested in having a romantic relationship with him anymore. How weird is all this?

 

Or am I getting melancholic because an event we planned on going together is getting near?

'

 

NC is weird. I feel differently everyday. There are times when I feel I could be friends with the ex, times I never want to speak with him again, anger, nostalgia. It goes on and on. I think the key thing here is not to contact an ex when emotions are all over the place.

[lylat333]

Let me assure you that I have no sense of what really happened either, and we talked about it a lot. I think he would say the same thing. He kept changing his reasons, and it seemed like he was grasping at straws to give a reason for something he didn't really understand. Even when I have felt they I had a grasp on what happened, I still feel bad.

 

Well, that actually does make me feel a little bit better.

 

I wouldn't contact her. If the only good reason is to know for sure it's over, well you will know know in time. If she doesn't contact you around Christmas it's gotta be over. That's a sentimental time of year and not a good one to be alone.

 

Very insightful, MOB... I agree. Because my reason for contacting her would essentially be to figure out what's going on with her end... which I will eventually find out anyway or stop caring. I totally agree about Christmas. Of course there are no guarantees, whether she does or doesn't contact doesn't definitely tell me everything but I do think it's a milestone. I think I mentioned it at another point in this thread but Thanksgiving was really hard for me last year... feelings for my original ex hit me so hard out of the blue. And I don't even have any particular memories concerning Thanksgiving that triggered it. And I have heard several instances of exes getting back in touch on birthdays and Christmas.

 

I feel like you've made great progress, but now reading about how you want to contact your ex, I don't know.... It's also a great sign that you were able to read those old messages without feeling like crap.

You're exactly right... I don't want to freak people out by showing a bunch of weakness all of a sudden. It's always a journey with inevitable hills and valleys. But I know, I KNOW I am doing better. I have also been very short on sleep today and a little stressed about about a financial thing I'm trying to work out so I definitely think that factored in too. Earlier today I was convinced I'm going to move, but as soon as I got in my car and started driving to go pick up some food I felt a lot more calm... maybe I won't end up moving. But it's not that crazy desire where I want to do it RIGHT NOW otherwise I feel like a waste of space.

 

So if you were to contact her, what would your expectations be? Because you said that you would not be interested in having a relationship with her now that time has passed? Would you be ok being friends? Or do you want "closure" if there's such a thing?

My expectation would be to potentially clear the air between us. So we both know where we are and can see what progress (or regress) we have gone through since we've been apart. I'm really not interested in a relationship but I am still attracted to her and wish things would have been different. I'm really not OK w/ being friends either... not after what we went through. And I would feel like a chump coming back to the person who said they don't find me attractive anymore and cut contact with me cold turkey. So my pride and ego is really what separates me from her. Obviously something is separating her from me and that's the big mystery. There are so many possible reasons.

 

 

Also not to hijack your thread, but....

 

NC is sooo weird... I feel like it's given me so much clarity, so much clarity that it makes me scared? I'm starting to feel like I could be friends with my ex again? I feel like I've forgiven him and I am not interested in having a romantic relationship with him anymore. How weird is all this?

 

Or am I getting melancholic because an event we planned on going together is getting near?

 

No I think you bring up a good question. I relate to BC1980, I feel different all the time. I myself trend towards getting better, but I shift from angry and bitter to sad and everything in between. Right now I'm just plain confused.

 

But I feel NC is my ally that doesn't fail me. Never watched Star Wars but one piece of advice I take to heart from Yoda is, "When all choices seem wrong, choose restraint". Hard to criticize a silent person because you are forced to give them some benefit of the doubt. A dumper may be glad to get you out of their hair at first, but in most cases it does not feel good to see another person (assuming you don't abhor them) doesn't have any desire to remain in contact with you or have you as a part of their life.

 

In your case Mariposa I'm surprised you give your ex as much thought as you do after what he did to you. I don't think I would be a very forgiving person to someone who did stuff behind my back and lied. Who knows. My ex never gave me a clear-cut reason to shift blame to her so I put it all on myself for a good while.

[lindsay1990]

Sad thing is I don't even think I'm right in the head right now. Doesn't matter what I do, deep down I am very depressed. It's not all because of the breakup... just very disheartened with how my life is gone despite how hard I've tried. I see moving away as the drastic measure that maybe, just maybe will help me. It's a big step... It's a little scary to think about moving away by myself and living out of state for the first time and have to start a new circle of friends from scratch.

 

All I can say is me too. And time goes by slowly but it does go by.

 

 

I was surprised at how lacking our messages were the last few months we were in contact. There was always something bothering at least one of us. No I love you's... just a lot of spinning the wheels. I had to go back pretty far to get to the pet names and the I love you's... which inevitably touched me a bit and didn't particularly hurt me to see. I just deleted everything, though... so there is no way for me to ever see any of the emails or messages we have ever sent each other.

 

This is horrible and I had the same revelation when I looked through my ex and mine emails, but even worse, the last 10 of them were probably fighting in 10 paragraphs then 1 paragraph something sweet, felt a little forced you know?

 

 

Then I started a message to my ex. I was thinking about typing something out, give it at least a day and if I still desired to send it I would unblock her and get back in contact. I was going to come here and ask if that was a horrible idea. But I'm already deciding against it. I'll admit, I do still want to hear from her. The message would not be at all about me trying to get back together or anything like that. Just opening the line of communication again and letting her know where I am and I'm planning on leaving. Then I remember this is the person who shut ME out. Who told me she didn't find me attractive anymore, and started ignoring all my attempts to reach her. I feel like I have to be the one to open up communication again because it's not in her personality to break the silence.

 

Just remember that in bold. It's one thing to think it but another to actually say it, no matter how mad you are. What should speak volumes though is not what she said but the fact that she shut you out and she has shown you that she not only can do without you, but that she rather would. AS for the last bit? Nooooo! No after the shutting you out, is my opinion. There's a special kind of statement made in leaving and cutting somebody off, in detaching and trust me if you were to open the door to communication, it would probably just stay open but I think any response would still be overly rejecting, no matter how over it you are. I'mm probably just a pessimist now so this is of course just my opinion. In any case, what do know is that it's not Lylat's job to make up for her personality flaws or deficiencies, much less her lack of will. Especially, when she has shown no interest in you 'helping her' out in that.

 

I really don't want to break what I've had going. I think I'm committed to waiting until either the end of the year or until it comes time for me to move and I send a parting shot. I don't know. Right now I just want to sleep the evening away... I cried in the car on my way home for lunch which I have not done in a long time. Just going to keep hanging on.

 

Yes, just wait it out and remember that (again IMO) it is not your job to fix this. I think that going over the messages regressed you, naturally, and you find yourself a little bit in the bargaining stage again and this is where your impulse to contact her come from. Since life isn't how you ideally would have wanted it in these three months (mine either like I said, faaar from it), since the feelings might be starting to dull down but at the same time the realization that maybe she isn't coming back (because it's not the same to say that a month after BU than 3 months in) then perhaps your mind is trying to get you to regain control somehow, you know?

 

I think you should watch out for this because if you cannot handle giving her the entirety of the control (which will be what happens if you contact her and then are just dependent on her reaction or lack thereof) then you shouldn't even risk breaking NC. I mean, at least in NC you control yourself and your thoughts.

 

As for the crying randomly? I do that too, man. Remember we're here for you man fwiw.

 

 

My expectation would be to potentially clear the air between us. So we both know where we are and can see what progress (or regress) we have gone through since we've been apart. I'm really not interested in a relationship but I am still attracted to her and wish things would have been different. I'm really not OK w/ being friends either... not after what we went through. And I would feel like a chump coming back to the person who said they don't find me attractive anymore and cut contact with me cold turkey. So my pride and ego is really what separates me from her. Obviously something is separating her from me and that's the big mystery. There are so many possible reasons.

 

This is good thinking. And not in a petty ego way, but it actually shows a lot of self-love and self-respect (as cheesy as that sounds, I know) coming out of this.

 

The last part, I mean... if you read the previous sentence it's not a mystery. This is basically a person that took a long hard, look at the awesomeness that is you (faults and all, whatever) and said "Um, naaaaah, no thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere". In a nutshell. This is what I think, so that to me is what's keeping her from contacting very likely. Of course we have no way of reading her mind, but as you say you want to know where you both stand well I guess you can figure out the answer to that question but... do you really want to know?

 

Also, if she asks where you stand, what are you even going to say? And say you say it, I don't know if there is anything she could say that would make you feel better. I honestly think any such conversation would only end up with you feeling rejected or worse: pitied. Or maybe validated, who knows. but I think right now is maybe not the strongest point to jump into that pool of risk.

 

 

I myself trend towards getting better, but I shift from angry and bitter to sad and everything in between. Right now I'm just plain confused.

 

From what I've read it's completely normal to go back and forth between stages of grief. It is certainly not a linear process and, however much you feel it could have been a lot worse reading the messages, I believe they were definitely a trigger so it's understandable that your feelings are shaken up right now. Again, I think a big part of this is the subconcious illusion that maybe somehow you can regain control over the situation. Especially when it wasn't clear cut so it's only easier to think that something could be done.

 

 

But I feel NC is my ally that doesn't fail me. Never watched Star Wars but one piece of advice I take to heart from Yoda is, "When all choices seem wrong, choose restraint". Hard to criticize a silent person because you are forced to give them some benefit of the doubt. A dumper may be glad to get you out of their hair at first, but in most cases it does not feel good to see another person (assuming you don't abhor them) doesn't have any desire to remain in contact with you or have you as a part of their life.

 

I say this now: NC saved my life. In another book I read about (Art of No Contact) it said that "when you go No Contact, you transfer those feelings of rejection and discardment from you... right back to them". I like to think that this isn't manipulation purposes or game-playing but more importantly a huge gift we have in order to express our utmost disapproval at their actions and behaviour... without saying a word and compromising our positions any further. This is why I think that at least at this point (and to me, FOREVER) NC is sacred.

 

 

In your case Mariposa I'm surprised you give your ex as much thought as you do after what he did to you. I don't think I would be a very forgiving person to someone who did stuff behind my back and lied. Who knows. My ex never gave me a clear-cut reason to shift blame to her so I put it all on myself for a good while.

 

I second this wholeheartedly.

 

NC is sooo weird... I feel like it's given me so much clarity, so much clarity that it makes me scared? I'm starting to feel like I could be friends with my ex again? I feel like I've forgiven him and I am not interested in having a romantic relationship with him anymore. How weird is all this?

 

To be honest Mariposa, I don't think he deserves your friendship, or hardly anything from you. If he deserves any cordiality or acquaintanceship, it's for your sake only so you don't feel constricted by any pettiness if you have forgiven him. It's one thing to fall out of love, or people growing apart, or becoming better friends than lovers, you know? but from the sound of it your didn't act like a friend to you at allman.

[Mariposa10]

All I can say is me too. And time goes by slowly but it does go by.

 

 

 

 

This is horrible and I had the same revelation when I looked through my ex and mine emails, but even worse, the last 10 of them were probably fighting in 10 paragraphs then 1 paragraph something sweet, felt a little forced you know?

 

 

 

 

Just remember that in bold. It's one thing to think it but another to actually say it, no matter how mad you are. What should speak volumes though is not what she said but the fact that she shut you out and she has shown you that she not only can do without you, but that she rather would. AS for the last bit? Nooooo! No after the shutting you out, is my opinion. There's a special kind of statement made in leaving and cutting somebody off, in detaching and trust me if you were to open the door to communication, it would probably just stay open but I think any response would still be overly rejecting, no matter how over it you are. I'mm probably just a pessimist now so this is of course just my opinion. In any case, what do know is that it's not Lylat's job to make up for her personality flaws or deficiencies, much less her lack of will. Especially, when she has shown no interest in you 'helping her' out in that.

 

 

 

Yes, just wait it out and remember that (again IMO) it is not your job to fix this. I think that going over the messages regressed you, naturally, and you find yourself a little bit in the bargaining stage again and this is where your impulse to contact her come from. Since life isn't how you ideally would have wanted it in these three months (mine either like I said, faaar from it), since the feelings might be starting to dull down but at the same time the realization that maybe she isn't coming back (because it's not the same to say that a month after BU than 3 months in) then perhaps your mind is trying to get you to regain control somehow, you know?

 

I think you should watch out for this because if you cannot handle giving her the entirety of the control (which will be what happens if you contact her and then are just dependent on her reaction or lack thereof) then you shouldn't even risk breaking NC. I mean, at least in NC you control yourself and your thoughts.

 

As for the crying randomly? I do that too, man. Remember we're here for you man fwiw.

 

 

 

 

This is good thinking. And not in a petty ego way, but it actually shows a lot of self-love and self-respect (as cheesy as that sounds, I know) coming out of this.

 

The last part, I mean... if you read the previous sentence it's not a mystery. This is basically a person that took a long hard, look at the awesomeness that is you (faults and all, whatever) and said "Um, naaaaah, no thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere". In a nutshell. This is what I think, so that to me is what's keeping her from contacting very likely. Of course we have no way of reading her mind, but as you say you want to know where you both stand well I guess you can figure out the answer to that question but... do you really want to know?

 

Also, if she asks where you stand, what are you even going to say? And say you say it, I don't know if there is anything she could say that would make you feel better. I honestly think any such conversation would only end up with you feeling rejected or worse: pitied. Or maybe validated, who knows. but I think right now is maybe not the strongest point to jump into that pool of risk.

 

 

 

 

From what I've read it's completely normal to go back and forth between stages of grief. It is certainly not a linear process and, however much you feel it could have been a lot worse reading the messages, I believe they were definitely a trigger so it's understandable that your feelings are shaken up right now. Again, I think a big part of this is the subconcious illusion that maybe somehow you can regain control over the situation. Especially when it wasn't clear cut so it's only easier to think that something could be done.

 

 

 

 

I say this now: NC saved my life. In another book I read about (Art of No Contact) it said that "when you go No Contact, you transfer those feelings of rejection and discardment from you... right back to them". I like to think that this isn't manipulation purposes or game-playing but more importantly a huge gift we have in order to express our utmost disapproval at their actions and behaviour... without saying a word and compromising our positions any further. This is why I think that at least at this point (and to me, FOREVER) NC is sacred.

 

 

 

 

I second this wholeheartedly.

 

 

 

To be honest Mariposa, I don't think he deserves your friendship, or hardly anything from you. If he deserves any cordiality or acquaintanceship, it's for your sake only so you don't feel constricted by any pettiness if you have forgiven him. It's one thing to fall out of love, or people growing apart, or becoming better friends than lovers, you know? but from the sound of it your didn't act like a friend to you at allman.

 

 

Yes, but the thing that I should keep in mind was that AFTER ALL, even if it didn't feel like that, we were friends with benefits. And all the stuff I said was very immature and hurt him tremendously. This is not about me taking all the blame. Because he did decide to throw away our relationship (whatever kind of relationship we had) for a new person.

 

NC has shown me all the things I didn't want to see. That's why I just can't see him as a romantic partner anymore. All those fights, why we became friends with benefits and broke up in the first place were because of reasons I didn't want to see. Now it's all clear.

 

People say that sometimes breaking up is a blessing in disguise, and maybe it is true. After the breakup and NC you really see things the way they were, not what you wanted to see.

 

Like OP, you didn't like your girlfriend going out with friends to parties and stuff like that, right? So she was not right for you then. There are plenty of girls there who will not be interested in that when they are in a relationship.

[lindsay1990]

Yes, but the thing that I should keep in mind was that AFTER ALL, even if it didn't feel like that, we were friends with benefits. And all the stuff I said was very immature and hurt him tremendously. This is not about me taking all the blame. Because he did decide to throw away our relationship (whatever kind of relationship we had) for a new person.

 

NC has shown me all the things I didn't want to see. That's why I just can't see him as a romantic partner anymore. All those fights, why we became friends with benefits and broke up in the first place were because of reasons I didn't want to see. Now it's all clear.

 

People say that sometimes breaking up is a blessing in disguise, and maybe it is true. After the breakup and NC you really see things the way they were, not what you wanted to see.

 

 

Amen. This is why NC is a godsend.

 

Are you saying he didn't leave you for your bff but got with her once you were broken up/in the fwb scenario? If that's the case well I guess the lesson we take is that every day we stayed in relationship/breakup limbo is a day we hurt ourselves further.

[Mariposa10]

Amen. This is why NC is a godsend.

 

Are you saying he didn't leave you for your bff but got with her once you were broken up/in the fwb scenario? If that's the case well I guess the lesson we take is that every day we stayed in relationship/breakup limbo is a day we hurt ourselves further.

 

 

We broke up decided to be fwb. We acted as a couple, did everything as a couple, had almost the same fights we had a as couple, but this time we were fwb. He met the new girl when we were fwb, said he wouldn't pursue her. I gave him an ultimatum, he said the whole situation was too much, bringing him down I was too controlling and that he would not stop talking to this girl, etc. I stuck around waiting for a miracle (meaning he wouldn't have a relationship with her) Turned out they started to get to know each other had sex, etc. As soon as I found out, I asked him to leave me alone.

 

This is how I think he saw things, his perspective: I love my ex girlfriend(me) I don't love her as much as I used to, she's still immature, I don't think we will have a future. This new girls seems to be a girl I could have a future with (same lifestyles). So I should just go for it.

[Mariposa10]

Anyway, not to hijack your thread

 

I think you should wait, and not send her anything just yet. Wait a month or something? and see how you feel, you might feel different in a month...

[lylat333]

Wow, lindsay.. that was such a thoughtful reply I don't know what to say. I feel like I owe you something! You really helped calm me down about all of the emotions swirling around.

 

I went to bed early last night, which I needed. I am feeling better today than I did yesterday.

 

My conclusions:

I am not going to contact her. The last thing she told me on the phone was don't call, don't message. For starters I'm going to respect that from here on out. She is the one shut the door on me, and even if I think her personality/ego will prevent her from ever opening up communication again I am not going to do it, ever.

 

I no longer want to be motivated by my ex. I may still end up moving, but it's going to be because I want to, not because I feel I need to make a statement to my ex or anyone else. I'll admit part of why I wanted to move so bad yesterday was to show her I'm moving on. And a little part of me thinks the sooner the better so I can make a statement while it will still be relevant. But I'm not going to let my ex dictate how I feel about myself or my life.

 

Now that I've visited all those profiles yesterday (kind of surprised I did that) I don't want to do it again. I thought about untagging myself from the photos that are still up on Facebook uploaded by her sister and friends... but I'm probably not going to do that... I don't want to show that I'm thinking about her anymore.

 

I am currently in contact w/ 3 women, none of whom I am particularly attracted to or see going anywhere though. I got invited to lunch today by one of the girls... the other is planning on coming over to my house tomorrow night and this other girl who I went to high school with but lives far away wants to visit me when she comes down for Christmas. I like her personality and am somewhat attracted to her but there is some baggage... she was recently diagnosed w/ cancer and is going through treatments and is also divorced and has a kid. Other than that I think she is cool and look forward to hanging out with her at least.

 

In any case at least today I am drifting back towards the content/optimistic person I was starting to be, despite how I feel about my surroundings. I really do like myself and have been enjoying my time alone lately. And you all... I think you all have honestly done the most in boosting my self-esteem and making me feel like I am worthy of being loved/appreciated. It's hard to go 3 1/2 months never hearing an "I love you", or sharing a kiss... and never waking up next to someone else. No matter what I'm not going to lower my standards, though... I'm going to remain patient!

[BC1980]

I think it has helped me to ask myself why I feel I even want to get back together with someone who betrayed my trust. It's one thing to love someone, but you have to draw the line somewhere for your own self worth. Why do we think we deserve so little that we would pine for people who clearly don't want us?

[lylat333]

Hello again to anyone reading.

 

Tough week, strangely. Partly due to continued lack of sleep but also because of a few other things. Where do I begin?

 

Last night all of my nagging issues came together the moment I crawled under the covers: Damn, I'm alone. Still. This Saturday it will be 4 months since I've woken up next to someone else. No hugs, no kisses, no nothing in that period of time. No matter how OK I try to be with that it does hurt to think my ex hasn't had to deal the same thing. I seriously doubt she has been alone, but hypothetically if she were it means she doesn't care or feel the emotions to bother to get in touch. I push all those thoughts out of my head.

 

Perhaps more troubling than that are thoughts of my other ex. A few recent instances have caused me to think about her. I will touch on it briefly. The first and most profound was when I missed my exit on the way home earlier this week. The exits are few and far between where I live and I had never done that before. It reminded me of the first time I ever took my original ex home... 9 years ago. Same time of year, getting dark early like it is now. I passed by her driveway on the highway and we continued to talk, this was before we were bf/gf. 20 min. later we realize we had driven way past her house when we saw the lights of our state's capital. It should have only been a 5 minute drive! I took the next exit and doubled back to take her home. It was one of the best nights of my life. Well, earlier this week after missing my exit I had to use the same exit to get home I used all those years ago. Memories of that night came flooding back and I was heartbroken over the memories.

 

The second instance was when I had to get groceries in my hometown which I had not done for a long time. It was where my first ex worked for the first 2 years I knew her. So many memories there, too. I went in so many times back then, buying stupid little things just so I could go through her checkout line and see her. There were so many Friday nights I waited in the parking lot for the store to close and for her to get off work so we could spend the rest of the evening together in high school.

 

Finally, I dreamed about her last night. I dreamed I got on Facebook and saw a post from her (which wouldn't happen as she has blocked me) showing funny baby clothes she said she could use for her baby. It wasn't clear if she was already pregnant or if it was just a joke, but I thought it was real and then brief dream ended.

 

I thought about going back and reading some of her old letters I've had tucked away just to cleanse my brain of all the emotions tied to my recent ex. Normally I would feel fine to do it as I am in a pretty good place of acceptance but I couldn't bring myself to do it.I have anywhere from 50-100 notes... I don't even know that I have not read since she wrote them all those years ago.

 

In other news, the girl I have been talking to who wanted to see me when she came down to visit in December has now made it clear she wants to make it a date and is messaging me more and more. It's flattering but the little bit of attraction that might have been there is pretty much dead now. I still want to see her but it's not too appealing to even go to my inbox to see what she has to say. I imagine it's similar to how my ex felt towards me... I get it, and it sucks. I feel it contrasted against one of the few strengths I have remained confident of myself in and that is being self-aware enough to have a personality that doesn't grate on others' nerves.

 

Another new theory I thought of this morning is I think my ex is going to go on another cruise at some point, probably early next year. She had just gotten back from her first one before I met her and she loved it. She was with her roommate and sister and while they both had at least 1 ONS while on it, my ex basically came right out and said she did not sleep with anyone. But said she kissed a guy who turned out to have a girlfriend. Anyway, she unapologetically had a good time, and that's fine, whatever. While we were together her roommate and sister continued to indicate they should go on another cruise sometime. Now that I'm out of the picture, I don't doubt they will. I may be way over-analyzing but I think having that on the horizon would really kill the desire for my ex to want to contact me until it passes. Because she expects to have a great time again on another cruise, single. Will it be as fun again the 2nd time around? Maybe. Maybe not. In my personal experience it's pretty elusive to capture the magic you felt the first time doing or going somewhere new.

 

After thinking about all this I wanted to come onto LS and say, "That's it, I'm moving on. I no longer care about her contacting me because the hope is dead. I'm over it and moving on." I do feel that way more and more every day. I went from, "I'm convinced she's never going to contact me." to, "I'm really really convinced she's never going to contact me." to, "OK, seriously guys... she's really not going to." You know? Sadly I know in my heart that hope is not dead. Yet. Or if it ever will be.

 

One of the new topics on the board reminded me of how I started to be controlling towards the end, and I was guilty of being a cake-eater. Albeit on a small scale. But I am still regretful for that. However, I believe if you put how I handled what came my way while with her against pretty much any other guy, I would come out on top.

 

I know it's a little crazy to have such conflicted feelings concerning my exes. There is a deep, dull regret over the first. And what I am dealing with now is really a lot about ego, I admit it. My brain's reaction to the situation is, "DOES NOT COMPUTE." and I feel so unsatisfied trying to make sense of how things happened and why. But I know I'm getting better, somehow someway. But I also know I'm still working through issues.

 

NC all the way. I am telling myself it won't matter how long it takes to find someone or be happy again so long as it happens. Even if I go a year, 2 years + evolving alone, when something happens I'll be just fine.

[Mariposa10]

Again, it's always nice to read your updates

 

What I kept reading about is how much you hate being alone. I think even if you were to meet someone who's almost perfect for you, you need to be comfortable with being alone and happy before you jump into another relationship. That's the only thing that I can say, other than that I think you're doing a great job!

[BC1980]

I think it's just normal to want that companionship. It's actually worse when you have been in love, planned a future with someone, and you know what that feels like. You really feel that loss. I keep thinking I will never meet anyone, and I will just be lonely the rest of my life. It makes me sad and angry.

 

Hope is hard to kill. Even people who get the door slammed in the faces time and time again, those people still hold out hope. It makes it easier to cope I think. You feel that if the dumper has given up hope, you must hold onto it. Otherwise, the relationship really is over. It's not exactly logical, but I think we process it this way.

[lylat333]

Again, it's always nice to read your updates

 

What I kept reading about is how much you hate being alone. I think even if you were to meet someone who's almost perfect for you, you need to be comfortable with being alone and happy before you jump into another relationship. That's the only thing that I can say, other than that I think you're doing a great job!

Thank you. I've allowed myself to be single for almost 4 months... isn't that pretty good? Maybe not. Maybe I'm too used to being in another relationship. But trust me I'm not looking to jump into another one this time around being single.

 

I think it's just normal to want that companionship. It's actually worse when you have been in love, planned a future with someone, and you know what that feels like. You really feel that loss.

I agree. Sometimes I am in awe of my chronically single friends and wonder how they don't shrivel up and die seldom having a girlfriend. But that's the norm for them. I don't think they've ever put so much emotional investment into a relationship only to lose it.

 

Hope is hard to kill. Even people who get the door slammed in the faces time and time again, those people still hold out hope. It makes it easier to cope I think. You feel that if the dumper has given up hope, you must hold onto it. Otherwise, the relationship really is over. It's not exactly logical, but I think we process it this way.

Again, I agree completely. I think somewhere earlier in this thread I talked about how I didn't want to accept the breakup for no other reason than I would feel like it invalidated my feeling by letting go. By continuing to hold onto it, I feel like I'm saying to myself and others, "See how much this meant? You can't just walk away from our relationship like that, and I'm going to be living proof."

 

I don't want to venture too far into relationship pseudoscience but what seems to often happen is estranged exes function like a scale: When one person is low in a bad place, the other feels fine. As time passes and the dysfunctional half recovers, the scale again balances, or may even go the other way. The dumpee can be thriving and then the dumper bottoms out. So in a way I feel like I wish I could snap my fingers and say, "I feel great!" and then my ex would magically feel compelled to get in touch. Instead of rushing or tricking myself into believing I'm fine I'm trying to do the tough work, grieve, confront all of the emotions etc.

 

So... I dug out my original ex's old letters during my lunch break. I had a bag full of stuff. 1/3 of it wasn't even stuff from her, I had some letters from other people mixed in as well as personal ramblings/poetry brainstorming. I sorted out all of the stuff from my original ex and put it in its own bag. I have a little over 60 letters from her, all from around Jan-May '05, my senior year of high school. I was crying as I was sorting it all out but I actually felt better afterwards. (seems to be normal after a good cry) I read one letter. Just boggles my mind how sweet we were to each other. I miss what we had so much but I know what I have learned from these 2 relationships is invaluable.

Edited November 18, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

I was reading somewhere that we are reticent to let go because we want to justify the time and emotional investment. We think we need ro validate it by any means. Unfortunately, we fail to realize that the other person has already checked out. People do live with hope, essentially carrying out a fake relationship, in their minds for years. Honestly, I know someone who is still bitter and hung up on an ex (from a divorce) that happened 10 years ago. That situation is more on the angry side than the holding out hope side, but there are similarities. You keep giving emotional energy to a nonexistent relationship.

 

We are so scared to give up hope, but it's really not there anyway. We have created the hope as a coping mechanism.

[lylat333]

Something else I would be happy to hear others' opinions on: Earlier today I thought about unblocking my ex on fb. I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea but my reasons for it crossing my mind were: 1) I don't think I will ever be tempted to look at her profile again anyway 2) My ex would have even less of an excuse for never reaching out to me.

 

As I type this I realize it's probably a terrible idea and I would likely end up feeling like it was blowing up in my face. I think I started to consider it because sometimes there's part of me that desperately wants to reach out to my original ex. However, when she blocked me on Facebook I honestly took that as the last nail in the coffin that will forever prevent me from trying to contact her. I take that as a clear sign that she does not want me to be in contact in any way shape or form and I feel the ball is in her court as she knows I wish to reconcile.

 

Granted, a big difference is my original ex is in another relationship. If I knew she were single it's very possible I would end up contacting her even if she had me blocked. But I pretty much know she really doesn't want me contacting her. Whereas my ex can't know why I blocked her. If she tried to reach out and I blocked her it would be a totally different story, of course there comes a point where you can't expect someone to keep trying to break your NC.

 

The thing that would drive me insane is if I unblocked her and she still never contacted me. I would fear she would take that as a sign to keep waiting it out and I will eventually give in and contact, which would not be my intentions at all. I guess I kinda feel screwed no matter what I do. And NC is probably the safest bet. But if anyone has thoughts I would be happy to hear.

[lylat333]

I was reading somewhere that we are reticent to let go because we want to justify the time and emotional investment. We think we need ro validate it by any means. Unfortunately, we fail to realize that the other person has already checked out. People do live with hope, essentially carrying out a fake relationship, in their minds for years. Honestly, I know someone who is still bitter and hung up on an ex (from a divorce) that happened 10 years ago. That situation is more on the angry side than the holding out hope side, but there are similarities. You keep giving emotional energy to a nonexistent relationship.

 

We are so scared to give up hope, but it's really not there anyway. We have created the hope as a coping mechanism.

 

Almost hurts to read but it's true. My mind just could not, would not accept that my ex could check out and move on like she did. (or at least did a superb job of seeming to) Those first 2-3 weeks were the worst. I was so convinced it was just like a bad dream and it would end.

 

I'm definitely more on the angry side. Every day that passes is another day of her not seeming to give a crap about me. So why, why, why do I spend so much time thinking about her? Because she makes me feel like a failure by not impacting her enough to reach out.

[lylat333]

Triple post, I know but...

 

I am proud to announce I just deleted several numbers out of my phone. My ex's mom, sisters, friends, and most importantly - my ex.

 

This is something I have thought about doing before but was never strong enough to do it. I don't know why, it just hurt too much. When I thought about going through with it, it was very tempting to write down her number and store it away somewhere as a last resort "just in case".

 

Just a bit ago I was replying to an old message from someone and after all the thinking I've been doing lately I realize there is no good reason to hold onto the numbers. My heart rate didn't even increase. I did pause for a moment before confirming my ex, but I did it and didn't even feel much emotion over it.

 

Clinging onto all of the old hopes hasn't been doing me any good, so I guess I'm moving towards moving on. There is a very small sense of satisfaction in cutting one more cord. I have no clue what her number looks like and afaik I don't think a single one of my friends has her number. No longer will I have that tiny part of my brain that thinks it could be her name that shows up when my phone vibrates. Even though I'll probably never get a chance to say it, it would be great to get a random text from her only to genuinely reply, "Who's this?"

 

Even though I don't feel much emotion over it I do feel it's a big step. One of the only ones I know of I had left to take at this point.

[BC1980]

We really are up against so many emotions. I also feel like a failure at my relationship. It hits your self esteem pretty hard to think the ex would rather be alone than with you. That's rough stuff to deal with. Then, you feel pathetic and weak that you actually want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

I see you are also feeling regret at your previous ex, so you have a whole different set of emotions to process. You said you broke up with her 2 years ago?

[lylat333]

We really are up against so many emotions. I also feel like a failure at my relationship. It hits your self esteem pretty hard to think the ex would rather be alone than with you. That's rough stuff to deal with. Then, you feel pathetic and weak that you actually want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

Yes. I gleaned from some bits and pieces from Facebook 1-2 weeks ago (that I shouldn't have been looking at and seriously do not plan on ever taking that risk again) it was not apparent my ex was seeing someone. I don't know what's worse... seeing your ex rebound or remain single. They both carry their own set of pain. But in both cases, they would rather not be in contact and not attempt to reconcile, and it IS rough stuff to deal with. And yeah, sometimes I wonder if I should be ashamed at the amount of time and mental energy I've put towards her for almost 4 months now. Whereas I can only assume I'm just a drop in her bucket. The big question mark is I have no idea if she is really over me and done with it or if she has issues yet to confront. My world would make a lot more sense if it was the latter, but...

 

I see you are also feeling regret at your previous ex, so you have a whole different set of emotions to process. You said you broke up with her 2 years ago?

Yes, it's been a little over 2 years ago. In fact I recently realized yesterday was my ex's 2 year anniversary with her boyfriend.

 

I think I made a big mistake breaking up with my other ex. But it's almost like a mistake that was destined to happen because of who we were. I learned so much from it and this most recent breakup has shown me I still have a lot to learn. But maybe now that I have experienced 2 punishing breakups from both ends, maybe the 3rd time will be the charm?

 

The good thing is I am so over desiring to contact my original ex and get in the midst of her affairs despite my residual emotions. And I know it's possible to be happy again without her as I felt really happy when I met my recent ex before we fell into our problems. I think we had something pretty special. Had.

 

p.s. Sometimes I worry if my ex could forget about me after we spent so many days together for more than a year. While I do think it's possible a person can get over another and not be bothered to think about them much but I don't think the memories ever go away. There are a few women I only went on a few dates with and never even got intimate with I still think of here and there and even wonder about them. I believe if you make an impression on someone you will forever be a part of them.

Edited November 18, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

Wow, congratulations. When I was seeing a counselor, she suggested in our first or second meeting I deactivate my Facebook for at least 30 days. I couldn't even remove my ex as a friend, let alone deactivate. I think you did the right thing - strong move! It took me 2 1/2 months to block my ex but it was without a doubt the best, most impactful decision I've made since she cut contact.

[lylat333]

It's only been a day, but I feel not only significantly but fundamentally better than I have any day the past couple of weeks.

 

I think I owe part of it to deleting all numbers related to my ex from my phone. Cutting hope has been my bane all along, but deleting those numbers really helped kill off some of the subconscious emotional tie I've been keeping - one that served absolutely no purpose. I'm not beating myself up for not letting go sooner as I was not ready for whatever reason.

 

I was reading some old LS threads and I came across an instance where a guy in a similar situation to me came to find out his ex rallied all of her friends and family against him and made herself out to be the victim even though she dumped him and he didn't seem to have done anything wrong. Granted I don't know what actually happened there but I've wondered if my ex has done the same thing because the breakup seemed so sloppy I feel like she is bound to find ways to justify it all in her mind and grasp at anything she can to shift the blame to me.

 

But you know what... I know it would all be a lie because if she had good reasons for breaking up with me, she would have given them to me. If she thought I was being too controlling, she would have said so. But she didn't. If I was doing anything that made her feel bad, she would have said so.

 

Our last phone call I expressed one last time I was concerned about her and I did say I was worried her roommate would be a bad influence on her life. Her response was basically "I don't care." (proceeds to get really anxious on the phone, insinuates I'm being crazy)

 

I'm NOT saying the breakup is all her fault. There are things I could have communicated better or would handle differently if I did it all again. But for all my actions I generally feel like I can give a clear reason for why I did/said the things I did.

 

Only very recently do I feel my online life and personal life are back to normal. I feel no desire whatsoever to do anything as a calling card to my ex or any mutual acquaintances. I am strictly living for myself again and can look myself in the mirror for the first time and know nothing I am doing is motivated by getting my ex back, whereas after we broke up, EVERYTHING I did was motivated by hopes of being contacted.

 

A married couple w/ kids I am friends w/ on Facebook made their breakup FB official today. They are both now listed as single and a few emotional updates by the husband hint strongly that he has been the victim of some sort of infidelity. This is a couple that looked healthy from the outside, 2 beautiful girls, good jobs, but a good head on their shoulders... or so I thought. While the breakup is depressing, the silver lining was it reminded me things come together, things fall apart. And I have a renewed optimism that it's only a matter of time until something comes together for me.

 

Someday a girl I like may unexpectedly become single... you just never know what can happen. It's unfortunate that most relationships fail but I suppose it's a positive for us single people who are holding out for someone better! And wow, look at me... having an optimistic and upbeat attitude for what the future may hold.

 

I've also started to get involved in a community online (a VERY nerdy one) that has really made me feel better too, I have come across a few who really feel like "my people" and it makes me not feel so alone. My issue lately has been staying up too late because I'm getting engrossed in personal things. Whereas before there were many nights I wanted to go to bed just to be able to sleep the pain and time away.

 

This post turned out to be way longer than I thought but I feel like I'm coming out of my most recent valley better than ever. I have been slacking a bit on exercise/working out the past month or so but it's OK. I didn't stop the intensity just hasn't been as high as I would really like it to be. But I'm no longer freaking out about how if only I was buff and fit maybe my ex would come back. Forget that... I'm so tired of feeling like that and constantly beating myself up. I will continue to better myself but only because I want to. Like when I trained for a half marathon last spring and was not trying to impress a single person in particular, and I was very disciplined and consistent.

 

I'm not going to say I'm 100% healed. When I am I know I'm not even going to feel compelled to say so. But I do think I'm getting very close. The mental gymnastics I've been doing all this time feels like it has about run its course and I don't care so much about getting answers. I'm looking forward and putting my trust in things working out by hopefully having my heart in the right place.

 

I also don't care about feeling so vindictive against my ex. I was so unbelievably bitter and I wanted her to hurt. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to feel guilty or whatever but I don't feel like my happiness is tied to her well-being. I care about finding my own happiness which is independent of whatever she feels.

 

Thanks again for all the support. I think of you all often.

Edited November 19, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

Thanks for the updates:-)

[Mariposa10]

Glad to see you're feeling better. It's amazing what time does.

 

I love your last sentence! I also think of all of you often. Whenever I feel sad, I remember how I'm not the only one, and it's part of being human.

[Peter54321]

I'm so glad I came across this thread and love the way you have continuously updated. I am going through a similar sort of thing where my girlfriend of 2 and a half years who supposedly loved me and couldn't live without me and was so excited for me to go to her family Christmas split up with me out of the blue with pretty much no reasoning.

I am devastated and confused and alone and hurt etc etc but always take comfort in reading other peoples stories and how they started and where they are now.

Thank you and hope you are forever moving forward.