Troubled with loss of relationship and NC

[thora-tiki]

I agree, there comes a point (in no contact/this process) when all those feelings of panic

and fear of losing them/ex goes away and pure logic takes over.

 

You are doing great, buddy!

[lindsay1990]

My mind just could not, would not accept that my ex could check out and move on like she did. (or at least did a superb job of seeming to) Those first 2-3 weeks were the worst. I was so convinced it was just like a bad dream and it would end.

 

I'm definitely more on the angry side. Every day that passes is another day of her not seeming to give a crap about me. So why, why, why do I spend so much time thinking about her? Because she makes me feel like a failure by not impacting her enough to reach out.

 

I know. I don't remember if I wrote this to you or in another thread but it's something I read in Greg Behrendt's book ("It's called a break up because it's broken") and it speaks of that point when you realize your ex isn't sitting somewhere pining over you and at first you're confused and sad and hurt and waiting and then... it hits you: "How dare they not be?!". And you get angry. Because really, man, how dare she not be. I'm not being patronizing at all but yeah, how people check out is just insane.

 

 

I think I owe part of it to deleting all numbers related to my ex from my phone. Cutting hope has been my bane all along,

 

I felt the same and it's what I said about "knowing" they're not coming back one month in and then "knowing" they're not coming back three months in.

 

 

I was reading some old LS threads and I came across an instance where a guy in a similar situation to me came to find out his ex rallied all of her friends and family against him and made herself out to be the victim even though she dumped him and he didn't seem to have done anything wrong. Granted I don't know what actually happened there but I've wondered if my ex has done the same thing because the breakup seemed so sloppy I feel like she is bound to find ways to justify it all in her mind and grasp at anything she can to shift the blame to me.

 

My ex absoutely did this. Even before we broke up, apparently I was the last to hear about how unhappy and 'abusive' I was. When I've asked my friends how could it be so easy for him to check out and just be done, they have told that's it's likely that even since before I left he had people telling him I was no good for him, how he had treating me like a queen and I didn't deserve him, how awful I was and how good he was and basically, he has tens of people on speed dial willing to tell him constantly just how much better off without me he is and reassure him that he did the "right" thing. So there's that.

 

 

Her response was basically "I don't care." (proceeds to get really anxious on the phone, insinuates I'm being crazy)

 

You probably sounded crazy because when they are checked out they just can't grasp that you aren't either. Like, "why do you even care? why does it even matter? Why does anything even matter any more?" As if since their feelings have changed yours must have too, duh.

 

I'm not going to say I'm 100% healed. When I am I know I'm not even going to feel compelled to say so. But I do think I'm getting very close. The mental gymnastics I've been doing all this time feels like it has about run its course and I don't care so much about getting answers. I'm looking forward and putting my trust in things working out by hopefully having my heart in the right place.

 

You're accepting that you have as much answers as you're ever gonna get and that's that she changed her mine and hasn't changed it back since.

 

I also don't care about feeling so vindictive against my ex. I was so unbelievably bitter and I wanted her to hurt. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to feel guilty or whatever but I don't feel like my happiness is tied to her well-being. I care about finding my own happiness which is independent of whatever she feels.

 

SO happy for you feeling that last bit. Myself I'm compartamentalizing my hatred for my ex and definitely wishing him pain and suffering. And I'm not even guilty

 

After thinking about all this I wanted to come onto LS and say, "That's it, I'm moving on. I no longer care about her contacting me because the hope is dead. I'm over it and moving on." I do feel that way more and more every day. I went from, "I'm convinced she's never going to contact me." to, "I'm really really convinced she's never going to contact me." to, "OK, seriously guys... she's really not going to." You know? Sadly I know in my heart that hope is not dead. Yet. Or if it ever will be.

 

 

I know it's a little crazy to have such conflicted feelings concerning my exes. There is a deep, dull regret over the first. And what I am dealing with now is really a lot about ego, I admit it. My brain's reaction to the situation is, "DOES NOT COMPUTE." and I feel so unsatisfied trying to make sense of how things happened and why. But I know I'm getting better, somehow someway. But I also know I'm still working through issues.

 

NC all the way. I am telling myself it won't matter how long it takes to find someone or be happy again so long as it happens. Even if I go a year, 2 years + evolving alone, when something happens I'll be just fine.

 

100% relate to this. It's a good step in the process I guess. I feel that we've been on similar timeline am I right? I'm a broke up mid-July, moved out/NC since August.

 

The does not compute part. I think that we were more or less blindsided. I for one, obviously knew we had our problems, but I mean we had moved in a month before and were talking marriage, booking trips, making all sorts of plans and our last fight was more a repetition of something that had already come up, so I mean i didn't really think we were going to break up. I thought we would fix things and stick it out and work through them. Perhaps this is why the hope remains/it doesn't compute, because we really didn't think that was going to happen.

 

Again, I agree completely. I think somewhere earlier in this thread I talked about how I didn't want to accept the breakup for no other reason than I would feel like it invalidated my feeling by letting go. By continuing to hold onto it, I feel like I'm saying to myself and others, "See how much this meant? You can't just walk away from our relationship like that, and I'm going to be living proof."

 

This. This is why I try to compartamentalize it. I have the suspicion that I don't "let go" is because then the injustice will go unpunished you know? like, if I stop insisting it was so messed up and unfair and cakeeating and selfish, it's like I accept my ex's discourse of the whole thing and I'm not willing to do that. something that helps me is that when I remember more details or have mini-epiphanies about it, I just email them to myself in different account I made for that purpose. I think it kind of helps me relax a bit that it's there somewhere even if *I* forget eventually. I'll forget it but it won't be forgotten, you know?

 

I don't want to venture too far into relationship pseudoscience but what seems to often happen is estranged exes function like a scale: When one person is low in a bad place, the other feels fine. As time passes and the dysfunctional half recovers, the scale again balances, or may even go the other way. The dumpee can be thriving and then the dumper bottoms out. So in a way I feel like I wish I could snap my fingers and say, "I feel great!" and then my ex would magically feel compelled to get in touch. Instead of rushing or tricking myself into believing I'm fine I'm trying to do the tough work, grieve, confront all of the emotions etc.

 

I wish so much this were the truth, but I just have to say I don't really think this happens at all. I think this is something just dumpees tell themselves, especially if the dumper then gets in touch, it's just more crumbs or trying to be chummy or whatever. I sincerely think that the dumper is done and it's not a situation of evening out between dumper-dumpee, but honestly just of the dumpee scrambling to catch up to some level of detachment on behalf of the dumper. Who will still be ahead anyway.

[lylat333]

Thanks, again!

 

Peter I'm sorry you're going through your situation. I hope you are at least able to get some form of hope from threads like this. Despite things going not at all like I hoped for I'm still standing. I feel like I made it through practically worst-case-scenario for me.

 

thora-tiki, thank you! I feel like I must be doing something right if you are being supportive like that. The logic has definitely taken over and I am finally starting to embrace those dirtiest of words like acceptance and letting go of the ones I refused to let go of like hope.

 

lindsay, thank you so much for your very thoughtful response, I really enjoyed reading it. Everything I wish to say basically boils down to "I agree 100%" and "I know exactly how you feel"! Believe me, I really hated my ex in a way too. I wanted her to hurt, I wanted her to feel pain like I was. And yes, even wished for bad things to happen to her. I didn't want her to enjoy life and I thought she deserved to be made to feel like crap like she did me. I occasionally fantasized about how I wished I could just lay into her if she ever tried to get in contact again and be vulnerable. But I really don't think like that anymore. I basically prefer to not think of her at all. There's no evidence she's ever given a thought to me so any thought I give to her is a waste of time and energy.

 

When you said I'll forget it but it won't be forgotten, you know? it reminded me of when I used to journal and I think that's why it helped me. It helped me get out all of those thoughts that cluttered up my mind. It reduced the inclination to cling to the pain and try to remember why I'm so upset because if I wanted to remember I could just go back and read it but I never really did.

 

There is definitely no guarantee on dumper/dumpee behavior. I just don't even care anymore. I was working backwards from thinking, "What can I do to affect this person" instead of just being myself and allowing room for what will naturally come of that. I'm tired of fighting, I'm not out to prove myself to anyone anymore and am getting back to that ever-so-elusive zen mindset for being single.

 

As always if anything significant happens you all will be one of if not the first to know.

[acidios]

lylat333 thank you for your posts really thank you. i started my "nc days" yesterday after 30 days of trying to make a reconnection with my exgirl.i was 6 years with her and i know it will be really hard but i must doit for my own good.

 

today i spent most of my day sleeping and be infront of my pc playing games,watching movies and reading this forum.i have taken 1 week off my job also to prepare my self better for everything and maybe do a trip this weekend to relax.

 

really thank you lylat333 and dont stop posting

[Used mistress]

I have read your posts and you give me inspiration. It is definitely hard to let go of hope. I have posted my breakup story on the other man/woman section. I now sort of have dumpers remorse. The way my guy said he cared and loved me I figured he would chase after me. Not. He doesn't want contact and texted me that 18 long days ago. I can't wait for the day to come where I quit counting those days. He deleted his Facebook account 18 days ago. I wonder also is there a chance for us in the future.

 

The way I am starting to look at it is this isn't the end but a new beginning. I hope you can look at your situation like this also. Yes it sucks cause feels like we are on shaky ground right now but slowly it starts to stabilize. One door closes another opens. We have learned from these relationships what we want and what we don't want and are now better knowledge wise for the next relationship.

 

Keep active as that helps and try not to look back too often but keep moving forward.

[lylat333]

lylat333 thank you for your posts really thank you. i started my "nc days" yesterday after 30 days of trying to make a reconnection with my exgirl.i was 6 years with her and i know it will be really hard but i must doit for my own good.

 

today i spent most of my day sleeping and be infront of my pc playing games,watching movies and reading this forum.i have taken 1 week off my job also to prepare my self better for everything and maybe do a trip this weekend to relax.

 

really thank you lylat333 and dont stop posting

 

Good to hear from you acidios. As you probably saw I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 1/2 years so I understand. 30 days of reconnecting... you obviously cared a lot about her. Even though she may not have listened to you now, she won't forget your efforts and know you are making the right decision by going NC.

 

Hopefully your job doesn't mind you taking the time off. If they're OK with it, I think that's a good decision for you, too. I don't do it anymore but at the time journaling helped me a lot, it really did. I credited it so much for my recovery. Just... take care of you, and take it one day at a time. Relaxing is good but I think if you make time for something even just a little active, even if it's just a 5-10 minute walk I think that could be a big benefit to you. (and exercise always boosts my enjoyment from relaxing)

 

I have read your posts and you give me inspiration. It is definitely hard to let go of hope. I have posted my breakup story on the other man/woman section. I now sort of have dumpers remorse. The way my guy said he cared and loved me I figured he would chase after me. Not. He doesn't want contact and texted me that 18 long days ago. I can't wait for the day to come where I quit counting those days. He deleted his Facebook account 18 days ago. I wonder also is there a chance for us in the future.

 

The way I am starting to look at it is this isn't the end but a new beginning. I hope you can look at your situation like this also. Yes it sucks cause feels like we are on shaky ground right now but slowly it starts to stabilize. One door closes another opens. We have learned from these relationships what we want and what we don't want and are now better knowledge wise for the next relationship.

 

Keep active as that helps and try not to look back too often but keep moving forward.

 

UM, does your ex know how you feel now? Just because an ex tells you they don't want contact doesn't necessarily mean they actually don't want to hear from you. It's commonly advised for dumpees to request no contact from their dumper but then the dumper ends up contacting and the dumpee doesn't hate them for it. Even though they may ignore and continue to wait for a more appropriate time for them to get back in touch. (like once they have healed)

 

Anyway, I like your outlook. Finally lately I have stopped focusing so much on what's ending and feel better about finally considering the good that will eventually make its way into my life. And they are definitely learning experiences that will be invaluable to us in future relationships.

 

Coming back to LS doesn't feel like looking back or anything, so that's good. I am moving forward and have continue to feel better all through today. I had to go back to my hometown to run a couple of errands and crazy as it sounds I was blasting an old guilty pleasure I just downloaded last night... "Waiting for Tonight". Yep, Jennifer Lopez. I love the lyrics, my favorite ones being:

 

I think of the days when the sun used to set

On my empty heart, all alone in my bed

Tossing and turning

Emotions were strong

I knew I had to hold on

 

Waiting for tonight, oh

When you would be here in my arms

Waiting for tonight, oh

I've dreamed of this love for so long

 

That's what we have to look forward to someday! I got chills listening to that on my drive today despite it being dark outside at 5:15 p.m. and being otherwise rainy/dreary outside. I would have never ever ever enjoyed listening to a song like that in the early days after the breakup. It's hard for me to even remember how low I was 3-4 months ago. Days where just getting through each hour was an ordeal. The emotions will get better, even though it probably doesn't feel that way now.

[lylat333]

Hello again. Well, I think this will be the last time posting in this thread for the foreseeable future. (besides possibly replying to questions/comments) Until something truly significant happens, i.e. I somehow hear from my ex or I start seriously dating someone.

 

First of all I think I neglected to mention last Thursday one of the women I've been in contact with asked me if I was busy Friday and if not to hang out and watch a movie. We hung out at my place, watched a movie and it was kind of funny how little chemistry there is between us. I think that's the 4th time or so we've been in each other's company and there's definitely nothing romantic there as far as I'm concerned. But she is nice and we seem content to be friends and all.

 

This Wednesday I will go on the most date-ish thing I've done in the past 4 months or so. A woman wants to see me I've known for a long time. She seems pretty interested... but I don't see it going anywhere. I haven't seen her in person for ages but I expect to have a good time. She just moved back to the area.

 

Neither of those are really anything to write home about but what I'm really excited about is how I feel. I am sharing to hopefully give more hope to others. I really don't care about my ex anymore. It's been a long time since reconciliation even seemed reasonable, but those thoughts aren't even appealing to me anymore. It's not something I consciously let go of, the feelings went away. More than anything I don't respect her anymore.

 

I was kind of living in a fantasy world... playing out a scenario in my head where I wished she would contact me and I would feel some sense of justice and we would be reminded of what we used to have. But as time went on it got harder and harder to envision something like that happening. Now, honestly if she were to get in touch or purely hypothetically if we were to try again, in reality I can see what a cluster**** it would be. I wouldn't feel comfortable being around any of her friends, I don't think I could ever trust her again, and on and on.

 

We used to have something special, I believe that, I believe we had great chemistry. Will she find that with someone or did she already? Don't know, don't care, I really don't. I'm happy with who I am and with what I have to offer. Last Friday I had a personal chat w/ my boss, he asked me how I was doing and he noticed that it seemed like I have been doing a lot better lately.

 

So... I really don't feel like I have much else to say at this point. I'm not clinging onto anything anymore and have cut all the physical/emotional ties I can think of. I'm able to be at peace with how I've carried myself since the falling out. This is yet another instance in my life where I was utterly convinced things were not going to get better. But just like every other time in life even though it always feels like a new low, things did get better.

 

Even if I don't post much I will still be thinking of all the others here who are in similar situations regardless of how far along they are in NC and I look forward to the day I can come back with good news to share.

[BC1980]

Lyatt, you have come such a long way. I really believe there is better out there for both of us. It's normal that we want companionship and love.

[lindsay1990]

I guess just pure time does make a difference

[Mariposa10]

Tell us how the date goes/went!

 

I have also started talking to a guy. He has wanted to hang out with me every since dildo face and I broke up, but I wasn't ready. Next month it will have been 6 months since we broke up.

 

I don't want to be in a serious relationship just yet though. I was with my ex for 4 yrs and I don't want anything too intense. I think this guy will only be here in the U.S for 6 months. So I'm sure he won't be looking for anything serious either, which is good because I don't think I'm ready for a full-on relationship.

[lylat333]

Small update towards the end -

 

Lyatt, you have come such a long way. I really believe there is better out there for both of us. It's normal that we want companionship and love.

Thank you BC1980. A nice compliment coming from you. I agree I think it is normal. I'm sure we can all agree you really need to love yourself before loving someone else. And you should be able to be happy by yourself, even if it's not what you want.

 

I guess just pure time does make a difference

It does. Last night I had a moment where it hit me how much my emotions have changed since those early days in late July and into August. It's scary to look back on.

 

Tell us how the date goes/went!

 

I have also started talking to a guy. He has wanted to hang out with me every since dildo face and I broke up, but I wasn't ready. Next month it will have been 6 months since we broke up.

 

I don't want to be in a serious relationship just yet though. I was with my ex for 4 yrs and I don't want anything too intense. I think this guy will only be here in the U.S for 6 months. So I'm sure he won't be looking for anything serious either, which is good because I don't think I'm ready for a full-on relationship.

Well Mariposa, that girl I was supposed to see got really, really sick, in fact she was in the hospital but it's finally rescheduled for this week! Wednesday. She seems really really into me even though I'm not feeling it and don't see it going anywhere.

 

I'm also having lunch today w/ an old friend, I haven't seen her in forever. Not interested in her and she has a boyfriend but it's still nice and I'm looking forward to it.

 

I'm kind of breaking my own rule by posting even though I haven't heard fro my ex and am not dating anyone but a couple of small updates, one in particular I thought was worth sharing.

 

Despite not having any dates I've gotten slightly more proactive. I sent out a couple of messages last week on FB to girls I used to have an interest in but haven't kept up with. In both cases we know each other but we're not FB friends. The one I expected to respond didn't, which totally surprised me. I'm not taking it personal or anything, though. She might have a boyfriend and I think she is moving far away soon if she hasn't already.

 

Another girl I met via online dating a couple of years ago. We saw each other 4-5 times and she is the only person I ever met I was interested in who lived in the same city as me. She is super hard to read, very introverted. And she considers herself religious and I am not, which she saw as a wedge so it was never romantic between us. But we had some things in common and I really liked her.

 

I sent a message to her to apologize for some of my actions and see how she was doing. She responded, to my surprise, and I sent another very brief message to end on a nice note. I don't know if she is single or not. I wanted to ask her out for coffee but I really don't want to be rejected. I know I don't have much to lose but I liked where things are now between us. I just really doubt she can picture herself with me. So I sent a 2nd brief message, just a funny thing to make her smile and said it was good to hear from her. Now definitely not expecting to hear back, she sent another message back, though it was very brief. That was 2 days ago and I don't know if I will do or say anything else. Neither of us knows much about the other and it's kind of at a stalemate. But at least I feel really confident now she sees me in a positive light and I'm content to leave it at that.

 

Now for the update I thought was worth mentioning: Friday night I untagged myself from the several photos I was in my ex's friends and family had taken. It was difficult to do. I needed to do it because in my last post I said, I'm not clinging onto anything anymore and have cut all the physical/emotional ties I can think of. I wasn't thinking about these photos at the time but they were a connection I have held onto. I didn't want to untag myself because A) It showed I was thinking of her and cared enough to take action on something B) If she started seeing someone else I wanted the new guy to see the times we had together and all the nice things people said about us.

 

But that all goes back to me somehow thinking my ex and I are going to cross paths again. But now I don't want any potential women in my life to come across those pictures and am just cutting it off. I successfully shielded my eyes from the comments section of the pictures and avoided seeing any current profile/cover photos associated w/ my ex's friends and family. That picture that got commented on several weeks ago from someone asking if I was still in the "picture"? I am happy to say I didn't check to see where that went, but the picture was still up.

 

Important thing is I am moving on, and making progress instead of standing still or going backwards. And I encourage any of you who might still be clinging onto things associated with your ex to cut it out of your life.

Edited December 9, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

Thank you for the update. I'm glad to hear you're talking to other girls. The line where you said you don't know whether or not to invite this girl out to grab some coffee because of fear of feeling rejected resonated with me...

 

I've been talking to this guy, nothing serious he's really nice and all that. However, I'm not sure if he's really interested in me anymore. I know at one point he was, but that was months ago when my ex and I recently broke up. Of course, I was not ready to talk to any guys at all, now I feel like I am. But! I've come to the ugly realization that after the breakup my self-esteem has been damaged. I guess this is part of a painful breakup, but how do you guys deal with this?

 

 

Every time I'm talking to this guy, maybe doing a little flirting etc. I start thinking about my ex doing the same thing with other girls, and I feel really bad. However, I don't want to be home all the time, while he's having so much fun. Is this me, trying to compete? Sounds really pathetic...

 

The self-esteem aspect is really disturbing. If this guy is not interested in me anymore, I shouldn't care. After all, this was all just gonna be a distraction, nothing serious.

 

I don't think it's too soon for me to talk to guys again, many months have passed since the breakup. Plus, I do not want to get back together with my ex anymore.

 

So back to OP, so what if you get rejected? Do you think we feel this fear because of the painful breakup we've been going through? And what are you doing to fix this? Any tips?

 

Thanks again, you always inspire me to think more deeply about my feelings

[lylat333]

Thank you for the update. I'm glad to hear you're talking to other girls. The line where you said you don't know whether or not to invite this girl out to grab some coffee because of fear of feeling rejected resonated with me...

 

I've been talking to this guy, nothing serious he's really nice and all that. However, I'm not sure if he's really interested in me anymore. I know at one point he was, but that was months ago when my ex and I recently broke up. Of course, I was not ready to talk to any guys at all, now I feel like I am. But! I've come to the ugly realization that after the breakup my self-esteem has been damaged. I guess this is part of a painful breakup, but how do you guys deal with this?

 

 

Every time I'm talking to this guy, maybe doing a little flirting etc. I start thinking about my ex doing the same thing with other girls, and I feel really bad. However, I don't want to be home all the time, while he's having so much fun. Is this me, trying to compete? Sounds really pathetic...

 

The self-esteem aspect is really disturbing. If this guy is not interested in me anymore, I shouldn't care. After all, this was all just gonna be a distraction, nothing serious.

 

I don't think it's too soon for me to talk to guys again, many months have passed since the breakup. Plus, I do not want to get back together with my ex anymore.

 

So back to OP, so what if you get rejected? Do you think we feel this fear because of the painful breakup we've been going through? And what are you doing to fix this? Any tips?

 

Thanks again, you always inspire me to think more deeply about my feelings

 

Sounds like we are in a similar boat.

 

My self-esteem was really damaged, too. Even though I didn't feel like I did anything wrong and knew I deserved better I lost the "edge", you know? I didn't want to put myself out there. How do I deal with it? Well, I decided I was just going to go with wherever my emotions were. I didn't want to try to "snap" myself out of it and try to date someone even if I didn't want to, I decided I would be content to not force anything. If something comes along, great, if not, that's fine too. When I reactivated my online dating account my main motivation was to show I was moving on... the whole fake it til you make it but I don't think it was a good idea for me.

 

I never liked the idea of thinking of my ex flirting again, etc. in fact I don't even like talking about it so I choose not to think about it much. Truth is if we are in cold NC we don't know what they're doing anyway. There's no point in me imagining things. I think it's just best not to know so you can keep the focus on you. Otherwise I feel like I am competing like you say and well... haha... I'm going to feel like a loser if I try to turn it into a competition. But I believe I am just a loser in the short-term... the day will come when something good comes along that makes the wait and pain worth it. Then I won't care about "competing" because I'll feel like I've "won".

 

As for rejection, normally I wouldn't care so much but I really don't want to be rejected by this girl in particular. Long story short she already indirectly rejected me almost 2 years ago... I liked her, she knew it, but she made it clear from the get-go she didn't want to seriously date someone. I couldn't hang out w/ her as just a friend, I was kind of impatient and unreasonable which is what I apologized for. My concern is if I asked her out now it would look like I contacted her just to try and get a coffee date which isn't why I contacted her. (but of course hearing from her is nice and I totally wouldn't mind meeting up again)

 

If it's any other girl... if I think there is potential I'm not scared of rejection. I don't think you should be either if there is a guy you like. I know guys are the stereotypical "pursuer" but depending on the guy, sometimes a little nudge doesn't hurt. Generally though I think if a guy likes you, most of the time they will take the initiative and ask you out if they know you're single.

Edited December 9, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

blah, I want to ask this girl out but my gut tells me it's not going to end well, no matter how I ask. I don't mean to derail my own topic but if anyone has any input, feel free.

 

She said she's "very ready for winter break" (she's a speech language pathologist for kids) I thought about messaging intending to be funny like, "Do you still like coffee?" She is obsessed w/ coffee. But I feel weak trying to be "cute" and also feeling like it's going to come off as all pre-meditated.

 

In-between approach is, "I don't know what all you've got going on during your winter break but if you want to go out for some coffee sometime, we should meet up. :)" But I doubt I would ever hear from her if I did that. She strikes me as someone who is very reluctant to take the initiative and needs to be pursued.

 

Maybe the best approach is to get right to it and ask, "How would you like to meet up for coffee sometime?" But I am just so paranoid about her saying no. Something about her. I don't feel like she's out of my league or anything like that... I dunno. If I don't hear from her within a week I'll probably end up getting back in touch one way or another, even if it feels like a longshot.

[Mariposa10]

blah, I want to ask this girl out but my gut tells me it's not going to end well, no matter how I ask. I don't mean to derail my own topic but if anyone has any input, feel free.

 

She said she's "very ready for winter break" (she's a speech language pathologist for kids) I thought about messaging intending to be funny like, "Do you still like coffee?" She is obsessed w/ coffee. But I feel weak trying to be "cute" and also feeling like it's going to come off as all pre-meditated.

 

In-between approach is, "I don't know what all you've got going on during your winter break but if you want to go out for some coffee sometime, we should meet up. :)" But I doubt I would ever hear from her if I did that. She strikes me as someone who is very reluctant to take the initiative and needs to be pursued.

 

Maybe the best approach is to get right to it and ask, "How would you like to meet up for coffee sometime?" But I am just so paranoid about her saying no. Something about her. I don't feel like she's out of my league or anything like that... I dunno. If I don't hear from her within a week I'll probably end up getting back in touch one way or another, even if it feels like a longshot.

 

I think all this self-doubting comes from how bad our self-esteem has been damaged... However, I remember one time when my male friends were telling me how bad it feels to get rejected... I couldn't believe all the stuff they were telling me. One of them in particular kept putting off asking girls he liked because of the fear or rejection. I remember telling him, so what if you get rejected? But I guess there's more to that.

 

My advice is that if you're not too serious about this girl (meaning you're not crazy about her)just go for it... However, if you expect a lot from this girl, relationship-wise, then don't do it... It's just not the right timing because you're still healing from your past relationship.

 

If you decide to ask her, I would advise you to tell her how you still remember she loves coffee...

[lylat333]

I think all this self-doubting comes from how bad our self-esteem has been damaged... However, I remember one time when my male friends were telling me how bad it feels to get rejected... I couldn't believe all the stuff they were telling me. One of them in particular kept putting off asking girls he liked because of the fear or rejection. I remember telling him, so what if you get rejected? But I guess there's more to that.

 

My advice is that if you're not too serious about this girl (meaning you're not crazy about her)just go for it... However, if you expect a lot from this girl, relationship-wise, then don't do it... It's just not the right timing because you're still healing from your past relationship.

 

If you decide to ask her, I would advise you to tell her how you still remember she loves coffee...

 

Thanks for the input, Mariposa!

 

Part of it is probably damaged self-esteem. I know that's the case for some other girls... ones I would have been more willing to go for in the past but now I don't want to deal with because I'm afraid all sorts of bad things that could happen.

 

No one likes to be rejected! Even the most confident of guys can have their spirit broken if they deal with a period of feeling denied.

 

I'm not really serious about this girl... it's not like we're close friends or anything and I don't have anything to lose other than me feeling like she sees me positive right now, whereas before I got back in touch I doubt she thought much of me.

 

I believe I've healed enough to start trying w/ someone even if it's just a little bit. Believe me I'm not looking to jump into anything. I don't want to play games but I think it's good I haven't messaged her back yet. It's probably just a matter of time until I message her back w/ something because I won't be able to let the curiosity go. Could be today, otherwise anytime in the next week or two I don't know. Just debating on whether I should try to get a little more info before asking to meet her or if I should just go for it. Right now I'm thinking just get to it if I message her again.

[lylat333]

**** it I'm just going to send her a message after work today and ask her if she'd like to go out for coffee sometime. No point in waiting and if I'm rejected then so be it. I'll report back if/when I hear from her.

[BC1980]

It might be easier to ask her out because you will never see her again if she says no. It's more difficult if it's someone you've known for years or someone from work. Then, you still have to see them, and it's awkward.

 

I was talking to a guy a few months after my breakup, and he asked me out. I said no and did a disappearing act. I just wasn't ready at the time, but I should have been upfront with him. I handled it badly, and I regret it now. I emailed him a few months ago to apologize and said I would like to see him if he felt comfortable. I never heard back from him, but I pretty much deserve that.

 

I didn't realize how much my self-esteem suffered during the relationship. I kept thinking that there must be something wrong with me, and, if I could just do/change whatever it was, he would marry me. It sounds so pathetic now, but I didn't even realize that is what I was doing. I thought I was just being a great girlfriend. I'm embarrassed now that I even allowed myself to stay in that situation as long as I did. I'm trying to get my self-esteem back. I'm starting to realize that he is the one who lost out.

 

It's sad to me because I've never had low self-esteem. I've always been really happy with who I was and never tried to change for anyone. My ex always had a way of judging others or making you feel "less than." He thought his way was the only way, and he would even make unkind comments about his family and friends.

[BC1980]

**** it I'm just going to send her a message after work today and ask her if she'd like to go out for coffee sometime. No point in waiting and if I'm rejected then so be it. I'll report back if/when I hear from her.

 

Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. If anything, you could make a friend and have someone to hang out with. There's no harm in that whatsoever.

[Mariposa10]

It might be easier to ask her out because you will never see her again if she says no. It's more difficult if it's someone you've known for years or someone from work. Then, you still have to see them, and it's awkward.

 

I was talking to a guy a few months after my breakup, and he asked me out. I said no and did a disappearing act. I just wasn't ready at the time, but I should have been upfront with him. I handled it badly, and I regret it now. I emailed him a few months ago to apologize and said I would like to see him if he felt comfortable. I never heard back from him, but I pretty much deserve that.

 

I didn't realize how much my self-esteem suffered during the relationship. I kept thinking that there must be something wrong with me, and, if I could just do/change whatever it was, he would marry me. It sounds so pathetic now, but I didn't even realize that is what I was doing. I thought I was just being a great girlfriend. I'm embarrassed now that I even allowed myself to stay in that situation as long as I did. I'm trying to get my self-esteem back. I'm starting to realize that he is the one who lost out.

 

It's sad to me because I've never had low self-esteem. I've always been really happy with who I was and never tried to change for anyone. My ex always had a way of judging others or making you feel "less than." He thought his way was the only way, and he would even make unkind comments about his family and friends.

 

 

I had never had problems with self-esteem either. I didn't feel like my self-esteeem was damaged the first time my ex and I broke up. But this time, it was different because he "chose" the other girl over me. However, now that I've had some time to process everything it's not that he "chose" the other girl over me. It's just that things were not working, and as soon as he had the first chance, he fled. I feel like we both suffered from codependency. That's why he had such a hard time letting go as well, when he knew we were not gonna get back together. The only difference is that he had checked out of the relationship months before I did. Trying not to take things too personally has helped me a little bit with my self-esteem.

 

BC, do you think you're ready to start dating now??

 

OP, good luck and just like BC said even if she says no, it's not like you're gonna have to see her everyday after that!! Good luck and keep us posted!

 

 

Btw, BC how did you leave things with your ex after you contacted him? Did you just stop responding?

Edited December 10, 2013 by Mariposa10

[BC1980]

BC, do you think you're ready to start dating now??

 

OP, good luck and just like BC said even if she says no, it's not like you're gonna have to see her everyday after that!! Good luck and keep us posted!

 

 

Btw, BC how did you leave things with your ex after you contacted him? Did you just stop responding?

 

I do think I am ready to start dating again. There has got to be better out there.

 

The last time we talked, I basically said I wished him the best. We didn't agree never to talk again, but that's how I would like it. He texted me Happy Thanksgiving, and I deleted it. At this point, I feel like he brings more negativity into my life than positive. I still have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I don't know how I would even get through a meal with this person, and I wanted to marry him at one point.

 

I guess if you are pushed far enough, your feelings do change. I used to be so excited when we had days off from work together, so we could spend time with each other. Now, like I said, it would be uncomfortable to even go to lunch with him.

[lylat333]

It might be easier to ask her out because you will never see her again if she says no. It's more difficult if it's someone you've known for years or someone from work. Then, you still have to see them, and it's awkward.

 

I was talking to a guy a few months after my breakup, and he asked me out. I said no and did a disappearing act. I just wasn't ready at the time, but I should have been upfront with him. I handled it badly, and I regret it now. I emailed him a few months ago to apologize and said I would like to see him if he felt comfortable. I never heard back from him, but I pretty much deserve that.

 

I didn't realize how much my self-esteem suffered during the relationship. I kept thinking that there must be something wrong with me, and, if I could just do/change whatever it was, he would marry me. It sounds so pathetic now, but I didn't even realize that is what I was doing. I thought I was just being a great girlfriend. I'm embarrassed now that I even allowed myself to stay in that situation as long as I did. I'm trying to get my self-esteem back. I'm starting to realize that he is the one who lost out.

 

It's sad to me because I've never had low self-esteem. I've always been really happy with who I was and never tried to change for anyone. My ex always had a way of judging others or making you feel "less than." He thought his way was the only way, and he would even make unkind comments about his family and friends.

 

Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. If anything, you could make a friend and have someone to hang out with. There's no harm in that whatsoever.

 

I agree. I'm really losing nothing but some pride with her. Which is always at some risk when you put yourself out there to possibly be rejected.

 

I think I know what you mean, a lot of the stuff I went through my ex was pretty devastating to the self-esteem. During the relationship and breaking up. I never had low self-esteem either. I didn't know what it felt like to have low self-esteem until 2 years ago when I realized I lost my other ex and started to really feel rejection through her and stuff like online dating.

 

So.. came upon a revelation within the past hour. I had lunch with a co-worker and he informed me, why I don't know, that he saw my ex is back on online dating. He's not the best person when it comes to social awareness. I wasn't too happy he told me just because I prefer not to even think about her. I don't even know what to make of it. I'm just glad as hell I'm not on it too so I don't have to see her and she doesn't have to see me. I asked when he first noticed and he said a couple of weeks ago.

 

I always suspected there was someone else in the picture... who knows if I was right or wrong. If there was it wouldn't have panned out obviously. But she still doesn't get back in contact with me for whatever reason.

 

My heart started racing when he told me and I still feel nauseous but it's not going to cripple my day. I really don't understand her. For some reason it did make me care far less about whether or not I get rejected by this girl I'm going to ask out. We'll find out soon what happens, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. She usually messages in the evenings.

[Mariposa10]

I agree. I'm really losing nothing but some pride with her. Which is always at some risk when you put yourself out there to possibly be rejected.

 

I think I know what you mean, a lot of the stuff I went through my ex was pretty devastating to the self-esteem. During the relationship and breaking up. I never had low self-esteem either. I didn't know what it felt like to have low self-esteem until 2 years ago when I realized I lost my other ex and started to really feel rejection through her and stuff like online dating.

 

So.. came upon a revelation within the past hour. I had lunch with a co-worker and he informed me, why I don't know, that he saw my ex is back on online dating. He's not the best person when it comes to social awareness. I wasn't too happy he told me just because I prefer not to even think about her. I don't even know what to make of it. I'm just glad as hell I'm not on it too so I don't have to see her and she doesn't have to see me. I asked when he first noticed and he said a couple of weeks ago.

 

I always suspected there was someone else in the picture... who knows if I was right or wrong. If there was it wouldn't have panned out obviously. But she still doesn't get back in contact with me for whatever reason.

 

My heart started racing when he told me and I still feel nauseous but it's not going to cripple my day. I really don't understand her. For some reason it did make me care far less about whether or not I get rejected by this girl I'm going to ask out. We'll find out soon what happens, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. She usually messages in the evenings.

 

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel when you said you felt how your heart started racing and you felt nauseous... I felt like that when I found out something about my ex online by accident, but the feeling goes away...

 

I've been following your story and from what I've read I don't think there was somebody else in the picture. I think it would've been more obvious...

[Mariposa10]

I do think I am ready to start dating again. There has got to be better out there.

 

The last time we talked, I basically said I wished him the best. We didn't agree never to talk again, but that's how I would like it. He texted me Happy Thanksgiving, and I deleted it. At this point, I feel like he brings more negativity into my life than positive. I still have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I don't know how I would even get through a meal with this person, and I wanted to marry him at one point.

 

I guess if you are pushed far enough, your feelings do change. I used to be so excited when we had days off from work together, so we could spend time with each other. Now, like I said, it would be uncomfortable to even go to lunch with him.

 

As I mentioned before I also broke NC because of an event my ex and I were supposed to attend, and wanted to see if he could sell/give me the tickets, since that event happens every 3 to 4 years.

 

I just saw that he sent me a friend request on Fb couple of days ago,(I had deleted him) and of course I'm not gonna accept it A week after I broke NC, he invited me to have lunch and I turned him down. Of course, everything is still the same, nothing new.

 

It's amazing how the little time I was NC (like a month a half) made me so strong.

 

I'm so over with all this. I can't wait for the new year to start, no more sadness in 2014.

[lylat333]

I know EXACTLY how you feel when you said you felt how your heart started racing and you felt nauseous... I felt like that when I found out something about my ex online by accident, but the feeling goes away...

 

I've been following your story and from what I've read I don't think there was somebody else in the picture. I think it would've been more obvious...

 

As I mentioned before I also broke NC because of an event my ex and I were supposed to attend, and wanted to see if he could sell/give me the tickets, since that event happens every 3 to 4 years.

 

I just saw that he sent me a friend request on Fb couple of days ago,(I had deleted him) and of course I'm not gonna accept it A week after I broke NC, he invited me to have lunch and I turned him down. Of course, everything is still the same, nothing new.

 

It's amazing how the little time I was NC (like a month a half) made me so strong.

 

I'm so over with all this. I can't wait for the new year to start, no more sadness in 2014.

 

You don't think there was someone else? A lot of people did. I don't know. I do think she at least physically rebounded, how much it was pre-meditated I don't know. Doesn't matter though.

 

Wow, getting a friend request and being invited to lunch. I don't think he would do that if he didn't miss you being in his life. I've felt really hurt my ex gives the impression she dropped me without a second thought.

 

Really happy for you you're keeping him shut out of your life. He did some pretty crappy stuff, I think you deserve much better. I can't wait for the new year to start either... and to get past new year's. New year's is similar to halloween for me... kind of a bad trigger as it makes me think about my ex partying and stuff. I am excited to see where I can go in 2014, I really believe things are going to get better.

 

I've been on a mini-emotional rollercoaster for the past hour or two. Having all these emotions stirred up makes me want to lash out or act out in some way. I feel pretty bitter right now and have nothing but ill feelings for my ex.