Troubled with loss of relationship and NC

[Mariposa10]

You don't think there was someone else? A lot of people did. I don't know. I do think she at least physically rebounded, how much it was pre-meditated I don't know. Doesn't matter though.

 

Wow, getting a friend request and being invited to lunch. I don't think he would do that if he didn't miss you being in his life. I've felt really hurt my ex gives the impression she dropped me without a second thought.

 

Really happy for you you're keeping him shut out of your life. He did some pretty crappy stuff, I think you deserve much better. I can't wait for the new year to start either... and to get past new year's. New year's is similar to halloween for me... kind of a bad trigger as it makes me think about my ex partying and stuff. I am excited to see where I can go in 2014, I really believe things are going to get better.

 

I've been on a mini-emotional rollercoaster for the past hour or two. Having all these emotions stirred up makes me want to lash out or act out in some way. I feel pretty bitter right now and have nothing but ill feelings for my ex.

 

 

One of the first things he said was how much he missed me and that he was never gonna contact me because he respected me a lot blah, blah. Of course he should have been missing me, I was his only real friend.

 

He was still giving him mixed signals I asked to stop because what's the use if he still doesn't want to have a relationship. But this time is different though because I don't want to have a relationship with him either, so we're even.

 

He's also STILL friends with the other girl and they still hang out every now and then. Like said he's super honest so he told me how both don't really make an effort to see each other. Knowing this, made me realize that its not like he wanted to have a serious relationship with her, it's just that (even if it's depressing) he didn't want to have a relationship with me which has helped my self-esteem a little bit, in a weird way.

Breaking NC helped me really understand/accept that we're really not getting back together and killed any hope. I also think he's going through a weird phase.., which is not attractive at all. I feel like he's having a midlife crisis... it's so weird, I don't know and I don't care.

 

I know it's not important, but I think if she had had someone else, you would've known about. Another thing that makes me think that she didn't have anybody else is that she's started to use that dating website again...

 

Some people talk about how every breakup is the same. I disagree though, especially those people who breakup through texting or something like that But for all those who didn't have to go through what I went through, let me tell you, I wish my ex would've stopped things with me before he found someone else. You and BC were lucky that you guys didn't have to deal with the pain of seeing your exes' moving on SO FAST. Because one thing is to breakup with someone and heal and then move on, and another thing is to breakup with someone and move on instantly. I know dumpers who after a breakup need to heal and are not ready to date, but my ex was soooo ready, it was hurtful.

 

I know how hurtful it must've been that your ex cut contact like that, but try to see it from a positive perspective. She didn't keep leading you on, giving you false hope, giving you a mind **** like my ex and BC's did. Going through that is like going through hell. It really ****s you up. It gave me panic attacks, something I had NEVER experienced. All those, "I love you so much, but..." stabbed my heart.

 

It's normal that you feel the way you're feeling right now, but keep in mind that soon you won't feel like that anymore. There's light at the end of the tunnel!

[lylat333]

You say you feel like your ex is having a milife crisis, I often wonder what my ex is going through, if anything. Maybe I'm just nuts.

 

I know, now that she's back on online dating she's obviously single. But that doesn't mean she wasn't trying to date someone else in the time leading up to this. It's been 4 1/2 months... it's possible she could have left me to try w/ someone else she had in mind and it never got to the point of being bf/gf. I have no idea. I've heard of cases where a dumper leaves their love, and sometimes run into a string of failed relationships before they ever stop and realize they've been rebounding and not confronting their true issues.

 

I really don't know what's worse. Everyone who's been given breadcrumbs says it's the worst and swear you'd be better off never hearing from your ex again. But I speak from the other side, and I'm not so sure that's true. I think they're both terrible. It's also a mind**** to feel like, well damn... did my ex just not give a **** about me or what. She never missed me enough to get in contact, and that doesn't feel good. Not a day has gone by I didn't wish she'd get back in touch and apologize for leaving me coldly and so confused. I don't think there's any sense of peace either way.

 

That said, I totally DO believe there's light at the end of the tunnel and it's only a matter of time until I get there. Where I'm at now is no fun. Still a work in progress after having my heart torn apart.

Edited December 10, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

You say you feel like your ex is having a milife crisis, I often wonder what my ex is going through, if anything. Maybe I'm just nuts.

 

I know, now that she's back on online dating she's obviously single. But that doesn't mean she wasn't trying to date someone else in the time leading up to this. It's been 4 1/2 months... it's possible she could have left me to try w/ someone else she had in mind and it never got to the point of being bf/gf. I have no idea. I've heard of cases where a dumper leaves their love, and sometimes run into a string of failed relationships before they ever stop and realize they've been rebounding and not confronting their true issues.

 

I really don't know what's worse. Everyone who's been given breadcrumbs says it's the worst and swear you'd be better off never hearing from your ex again. But I speak from the other side, and I'm not so sure that's true. I think they're both terrible. It's also a mind**** to feel like, well damn... did my ex just not give a **** about me or what. She never missed me enough to get in contact, and that doesn't feel good. Not a day has gone by I didn't wish she'd get back in touch and apologize for leaving me coldly and so confused. I don't think there's any sense of peace either way.

 

That said, I totally DO believe there's light at the end of the tunnel and it's only a matter of time until I get there. Where I'm at now is no fun. Still a work in progress after having my heart torn apart.

 

 

I highly agree with:

 

"I've heard of cases where a dumper leaves their love, and sometimes run into a string of failed relationships before they ever stop and realize they've been rebounding and not confronting their true issues."

 

 

When I told my ex to please stop giving the same mid****, he had been giving me before. This is what he answered, "I'm still giving you a mind**** because I still want you back and we're still in the same position before you left and stopped talking to me." I replied, "you might be in the same position, but I'm not." At some point, he was also kind of pissed at me because "I left his life."

 

When I say that I feel like my ex is having a midlife crisis, I say that because the friends he's making, he's changing the way he dresses, etc... We're talking about a person who's in his 30's. I don't know it's just weird, all I can tell you is that I am not attracted to him anymore. I thought he was more mature than this, he's been behaving like a teenager, such a turnoff for me.

 

When I think of all this, I feel blessed that he didn't want to give the relationship another chance. He's not mature enough.

 

I understand you, I would've been pretty devastated if my ex had cut me out of his life completely, but then again we had been together for 4 years... almost 5...

 

Btw, did you ever think about proposing to your ex? I have always wanted to ask you this, but kept forgetting. This was a very importnat relationship for you, but I don't remember you ever mentioning proposing to her...I'm just curious...

[lylat333]

Btw, did you ever think about proposing to your ex? I have always wanted to ask you this, but kept forgetting. This was a very importnat relationship for you, but I don't remember you ever mentioning proposing to her...I'm just curious...

 

At first she was the first person I really ever started to feel I could picture myself with longterm, and told her that. I could picture her as the mother of my children and all that, I wanted to be with her.

 

As time went on though, I actually told her one of my biggest concerns was (and this was after dealing w/ crap, finding out more about her) how I've heard people say when you find the right person, you'll just "know" and I didn't feel that way about her. That really hurt her. She wanted to be with me for a pretty good period of time, but I didn't want to commit to her because I was pretty gun-shy about getting hurt and stuff. One of my friends thinks she just got tired of waiting. When I tried to reach out and try to get serious is when she totally pulled away. Up until that last couple of weeks or whatever I thought she loved me and wanted to be with me.

 

So.. yeah... it's hard to say but I basically shut that down for a while. Which at first I hated myself for doing because I feel like I totally had my chance and turned it down but then I remind myself why I was so hesitant. Looking back I don't regret much, I think she had/has maturing to do and she knew it. I wish things didn't go down like they did though... despite the issues we had I think our chemistry was really good, I loved her, etc. etc. Nothing to do now, though.

[AlphaC]

You say you feel like your ex is having a milife crisis, I often wonder what my ex is going through, if anything. Maybe I'm just nuts.

 

I know, now that she's back on online dating she's obviously single. But that doesn't mean she wasn't trying to date someone else in the time leading up to this. It's been 4 1/2 months... it's possible she could have left me to try w/ someone else she had in mind and it never got to the point of being bf/gf. I have no idea. I've heard of cases where a dumper leaves their love, and sometimes run into a string of failed relationships before they ever stop and realize they've been rebounding and not confronting their true issues.

 

I really don't know what's worse. Everyone who's been given breadcrumbs says it's the worst and swear you'd be better off never hearing from your ex again. But I speak from the other side, and I'm not so sure that's true. I think they're both terrible. It's also a mind**** to feel like, well damn... did my ex just not give a **** about me or what. She never missed me enough to get in contact, and that doesn't feel good. Not a day has gone by I didn't wish she'd get back in touch and apologize for leaving me coldly and so confused. I don't think there's any sense of peace either way.

 

That said, I totally DO believe there's light at the end of the tunnel and it's only a matter of time until I get there. Where I'm at now is no fun. Still a work in progress after having my heart torn apart.

 

Hey man, I read on one of your posts that you broke up with a girl, then after a couple of weeks you started missing her and tried to go back, is this the same ex or another one? I will be honest with you, if your current ex is not contacting you she doesn't want to go back to you. I know its tough but you are young and you will one day find a woman that will make this heartache well worth it. Trust me on that. I am much older than you and I can tell you the sea is full of fish so go out and date. If your ex is on a dating site and not contacting you she has moved on.

 

Your time with her is over, you had exes before her, and she had exes before you. It's life my man, grow a pair and stop crying over a woman's attention. Now listen up, 75% of the stories on LS are from women crying over players, read that one again, girls chasing badboys and they will never admit it. Ask any woman if they will ever date a player and they will say HELLS NO, while simultaneously chasing them. They will give you the excuse, "he is a player but I want to tame him" blah blah blah. Read the post before mine, these two lovely women (mariposa and the other one) crying for men who dumped them to be with other women. Again they will say that they had no idea their ex had a woman waiting in the wings, blah blah blah. We are both men, we won't dump a woman to be single, common sense.

 

Here is my advice, your ex doesn't want you, big deal - man up, grow a pair. Start dating hotter women, hit the gym, dress to impress and one day you will cross paths with your ex and it will be her chasing you. Now you can do one of two things, you can sit around, waiting for her to date and get into relationships and maybe one day realize what she had with you or you can and should move the hell on, don't be exclusive for the time being, enjoy being a bachelor and cure that oneits, Start spinning plates, date 6-10 girls at once, have them fighting for your attention, it's not that hard, Good Luck.

[Mariposa10]

Hey man, I read on one of your posts that you broke up with a girl, then after a couple of weeks you started missing her and tried to go back, is this the same ex or another one? I will be honest with you, if your current ex is not contacting you she doesn't want to go back to you. I know its tough but you are young and you will one day find a woman that will make this heartache well worth it. Trust me on that. I am much older than you and I can tell you the sea is full of fish so go out and date. If your ex is on a dating site and not contacting you she has moved on.

 

Your time with her is over, you had exes before her, and she had exes before you. It's life my man, grow a pair and stop crying over a woman's attention. Now listen up, 75% of the stories on LS are from women crying over players, read that one again, girls chasing badboys and they will never admit it. Ask any woman if they will ever date a player and they will say HELLS NO, while simultaneously chasing them. They will give you the excuse, "he is a player but I want to tame him" blah blah blah. Read the post before mine, these two lovely women (mariposa and the other one) crying for men who dumped them to be with other women. Again they will say that they had no idea their ex had a woman waiting in the wings, blah blah blah. We are both men, we won't dump a woman to be single, common sense.

 

Here is my advice, your ex doesn't want you, big deal - man up, grow a pair. Start dating hotter women, hit the gym, dress to impress and one day you will cross paths with your ex and it will be her chasing you. Now you can do one of two things, you can sit around, waiting for her to date and get into relationships and maybe one day realize what she had with you or you can and should move the hell on, don't be exclusive for the time being, enjoy being a bachelor and cure that oneits, Start spinning plates, date 6-10 girls at once, have them fighting for your attention, it's not that hard, Good Luck.

 

 

Your post is just full of generalizations, which in this case are not helpful at all.

 

I don't like "players." In fact, I was with my ex for so long because he was always so mature and we never had jealousy problems. He was a really good guy all those years, always so respectful and considerate. I was the one who was immature. But not everything is different because we're not together and he can choose to do whatever he feels like doing and it's none of my business.

 

I don't like the type of men you're telling OP to be and would be such a turnoff for me to be honest. I would be really interested in meeting someone like OP who is so in touch with his feelings. Something I love about my ex, he was never afraid to get emotional and show his feelings. I wouldn't want to date a player or a robot, and I HAVEN'T. I hate phrases like "man up." This society needs to stop telling men to man up :mad::mad:

[lylat333]

Hey man, I read on one of your posts that you broke up with a girl, then after a couple of weeks you started missing her and tried to go back, is this the same ex or another one? I will be honest with you, if your current ex is not contacting you she doesn't want to go back to you. I know its tough but you are young and you will one day find a woman that will make this heartache well worth it. Trust me on that. I am much older than you and I can tell you the sea is full of fish so go out and date. If your ex is on a dating site and not contacting you she has moved on.

 

Your time with her is over, you had exes before her, and she had exes before you. It's life my man, grow a pair and stop crying over a woman's attention. Now listen up, 75% of the stories on LS are from women crying over players, read that one again, girls chasing badboys and they will never admit it. Ask any woman if they will ever date a player and they will say HELLS NO, while simultaneously chasing them. They will give you the excuse, "he is a player but I want to tame him" blah blah blah. Read the post before mine, these two lovely women (mariposa and the other one) crying for men who dumped them to be with other women. Again they will say that they had no idea their ex had a woman waiting in the wings, blah blah blah. We are both men, we won't dump a woman to be single, common sense.

 

Here is my advice, your ex doesn't want you, big deal - man up, grow a pair. Start dating hotter women, hit the gym, dress to impress and one day you will cross paths with your ex and it will be her chasing you. Now you can do one of two things, you can sit around, waiting for her to date and get into relationships and maybe one day realize what she had with you or you can and should move the hell on, don't be exclusive for the time being, enjoy being a bachelor and cure that oneits, Start spinning plates, date 6-10 girls at once, have them fighting for your attention, it's not that hard, Good Luck.

 

Not sure what you're referring to at the beginning of your post... this ex cut me off. 2 years ago I broke up with the girl I was with for 6 1/2 years and didn't miss her until she got in a relationship 2 months later.

 

I know my ex doesn't want to get back with me, it's not about that. It's about heartbreak and wondering what the hell happened... despite our issues I thought we loved each other. I'm not talking about a run of the mill ex where you just date for a while, realize it doesn't work and move on. We invested a lot in each other.

 

Not sure where you got, "75% of the stories on LS are from women crying over players", not accurate. And it's not just men, both sexes don't usually dump to be single. Most people will choose a dragging relationship over being single. It's like going from one tree limb to another... you won't let go of the one you're on unless the next one feels secure. Sad but true.

 

Haha, it's not a matter of just, "start dating hotter women." Sorry. And I don't care about getting my ex to chase me. I'm just being patient for the right person. Call me corny but I believe in, "being the change you want to see in the world".

 

Whether or not my ex has a change of heart is irrelevant to me moving on. Believe me, I want to move on and am working on it. I am enjoying being single more and more but you don't really know my situation. I laugh at the idea of dating 6-10 girls at once. Where I live that wouldn't happen if I wanted it to, sorry. I've got other **** I'm more interested in than trying to play women.

 

Finally, I actually agree w/ you that what women say they want and what they go after are often 2 completely different things. But you should know that believe it or not, both sexes prefer partners with a modest history. Manwhores do great in the short-term but fail in the long-term because that's not how they live. You are what you do.

Edited December 10, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

At first she was the first person I really ever started to feel I could picture myself with longterm, and told her that. I could picture her as the mother of my children and all that, I wanted to be with her.

 

As time went on though, I actually told her one of my biggest concerns was (and this was after dealing w/ crap, finding out more about her) how I've heard people say when you find the right person, you'll just "know" and I didn't feel that way about her. That really hurt her. She wanted to be with me for a pretty good period of time, but I didn't want to commit to her because I was pretty gun-shy about getting hurt and stuff. One of my friends thinks she just got tired of waiting. When I tried to reach out and try to get serious is when she totally pulled away. Up until that last couple of weeks or whatever I thought she loved me and wanted to be with me.

 

So.. yeah... it's hard to say but I basically shut that down for a while. Which at first I hated myself for doing because I feel like I totally had my chance and turned it down but then I remind myself why I was so hesitant. Looking back I don't regret much, I think she had/has maturing to do and she knew it. I wish things didn't go down like they did though... despite the issues we had I think our chemistry was really good, I loved her, etc. etc. Nothing to do now, though.

 

 

You never saw yourself marrying your other ex then? You were with her for such a long time...

 

Remember how she was still not ready to get married and all that, does it help you a little bit to move on? Or what were your plans really?

 

I agree with whom said that you know when you've found someone you'd like to spend your future with.I think if you had really felt it, you would've been more proactive about it sooner. My ex from the beginning told me how serious he was about me. He was never in a hurry in our relationship, (if that makes sense). Once he even took me to see some rings, but I didn't want to go because of so many reasons...

 

Oh my god, now that I think about it, we even had already chosen our future kids' names

 

Oh well, not it's too late.

 

But it always caught my attention that you never really talked about whether you two had a future or not...

 

Whenever I don't feel sad, I feel a little bit excited about the future, especially after I've started talking to this guy who's super nice. It reminds me that there are many nice guys out there. Because contrary to what someone else just posted, I'm not into "bad boys."

[AlphaC]

Not sure what you're referring to at the beginning of your post... this ex cut me off. 2 years ago I broke up with the girl I was with for 6 1/2 years and didn't miss her until she got in a relationship 2 months later.

 

Okay so it the ex before the current ex, I remember reading that in one of your postings. Listen man, I won't try to school you too much - because you seem to be too far gone, you probably have a lot of female friends who you get advice from. To the point, you seem to NOT "get it," but you will one day. Right now you have oneitis and you want your ex to return, like I said I know it hurts. If your ex doesn't come back you will stay waiting for that perfect girl to come and take away all that pain in your heart but it doesn't work that way either. The only way to cure that pain is the work on yourself - otra vez, good luck.

[lylat333]

You never saw yourself marrying your other ex then? You were with her for such a long time...

 

Remember how she was still not ready to get married and all that, does it help you a little bit to move on? Or what were your plans really?

 

I agree with whom said that you know when you've found someone you'd like to spend your future with.I think if you had really felt it, you would've been more proactive about it sooner. My ex from the beginning told me how serious he was about me. He was never in a hurry in our relationship, (if that makes sense). Once he even took me to see some rings, but I didn't want to go because of so many reasons...

 

Oh my god, now that I think about it, we even had already chosen our future kids' names

 

Oh well, not it's too late.

 

But it always caught my attention that you never really talked about whether you two had a future or not...

 

Whenever I don't feel sad, I feel a little bit excited about the future, especially after I've started talking to this guy who's super nice. It reminds me that there are many nice guys out there. Because contrary to what someone else just posted, I'm not into "bad boys."

 

You know how to ask the tough questions! It's good, though. My other ex... I think we just went so long I got too comfortable just being bf/gf. I never knew how much she wanted to get married until after we broke up and I talked to her cousin about it. At work a week or two ago we got in some conversation about marriage and I was reminded by a coworker about how a couple of years ago I was starting think about proposing to my other ex. We had a ski trip planned and I thought about trying to figure out something. I think because I didn't have a whole lot of money to work with I put it off.

 

It helps me move on if I remind myself of why I was so hesitant to commit to my ex. How she made me feel and everything. But right after we broke up I definitely regretted not committing while I had the chance. It makes me kind of sick to think about it. I wanted to be serious bf/gf again and if things went well I could have definitely seen me proposing in the coming months.

 

Phew, what a day... man. Is this real life? Thanks for what you said, Mariposa. I believe what you said about not going for bad boys. AlphaC, I appreciate another viewpoint but I think you're very cynical. You think women are doomed to go for the players and bad boys and it's just not true, I promise you. The happy married couples I know of were not the result of women taming bad boys and both of them becoming tame and committed all of a sudden. Sometimes people really do realize what's good for them, they get it, and they make it work. With a little fortune, I'll be living proof of it for ya.

Edited December 10, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

You know how to ask the tough questions! It's good, though. My other ex... I think we just went so long I got too comfortable just being bf/gf. I never knew how much she wanted to get married until after we broke up and I talked to her cousin about it. At work a week or two ago we got in some conversation about marriage and I was reminded by a coworker about how a couple of years ago I was starting think about proposing to my other ex. We had a ski trip planned and I thought about trying to figure out something. I think because I didn't have a whole lot of money to work with I put it off.

 

It helps me move on if I remind myself of why I was so hesitant to commit to my ex. How she made me feel and everything. But right after we broke up I definitely regretted not committing while I had the chance. It makes me kind of sick to think about it. I wanted to be serious bf/gf again and if things went well I could have definitely seen me proposing in the coming months.

 

Phew, what a day... man. Is this real life? Thanks for what you said, Mariposa. I believe what you said about not going for bad boys. AlphaC, I appreciate another viewpoint but I think you're very cynical. You think women are doomed to go for the players and bad boys and it's just not true, I promise you. The happy married couples I know of were not the result of women giving into bad boys who all of a sudden became tame and committed. Sometimes people really do realize what's good for them, they get it, and they make it work. With a little fortune, I'll be living proof of it for ya.

 

 

I'm serious, I would date you over that other guy instantly. I love men who are in touch with their feelings, my ex was like that. That was one of the many things that made me fall in love with him. I love how honest and how he was able to show his emotions without being afraid to be so vulnerable, that's why I always thought he was super mature. I hope my next boyfriend will have that too. I don't guys who are players or hide their emotions. I don't blame them thought this is what the society we live in preaches. He was never a player either. I have never been a player, or dated guys like crazy which my ex loved about me.

 

What the other guy posted were just pure sexist generalizations, so I would just take it as that... That's all.

 

Anyway, back to the topic, when my ex and I broke up, I also INSTANTLY regretted not being more proactive about getting married, or moving in together like he also asked me, but I guess that's just part of the panic that comes with the breakup. Marriage or moving in wouldn't have fixed our relationship, I'm glad I didn't do it now. Things just would've gotten more complicated.

 

And yes, this is real life!! All these feelings are what make us humans

[lylat333]

Thanks so much Mariposa, a better note to start the evening on! I'll be sending that message I was talking about earlier before long.

[BC1980]

I really don't know what's worse. Everyone who's been given breadcrumbs says it's the worst and swear you'd be better off never hearing from your ex again. But I speak from the other side, and I'm not so sure that's true. I think they're both terrible. It's also a mind**** to feel like, well damn... did my ex just not give a **** about me or what. She never missed me enough to get in contact, and that doesn't feel good. Not a day has gone by I didn't wish she'd get back in touch and apologize for leaving me coldly and so confused. I don't think there's any sense of peace either way.

I honestly don't know which is worse: the ex who falls off the face of the earth or the ex who keeps playing with your mind. I have thought about how awful it would have been never to hear from my ex again, but, on the other hand, I witnessed him basically driving a stake into my heart over and over again (by keeping in LC). It was self-inflicted, but it was very painful. It makes me sick to even think about it, and I regret everyday that I did not go NC from the start.

 

Basically, I allowed him to ease his way out of the relationship, and I watched him do it. Keeping in contact is pretty awful. I remember wondering if he ever even cared about me because he would be so nonchalant at times. I think it made him feel better to see that I was supposedly moving on. It was such an act, and I really believed it at times. I was actually in deep denial about the relationship ending, and maybe he was to some extent as well.

 

I'm still sad about our breakup, but it's more regret. Logically, when I think of how a second chance would play out, it doesn't seem like it would work. I don't know if I could trust him again, and he just makes me sick to think about right now. It's so sad to have those thoughts though because this was the man I was going to spend my life with. He would often say how we were our own family of three (with his son), and it just makes me question the entire thing. Was the whole thing an act? I just don't know anymore.

 

I wish I could just tell him off and let him really have it sometimes. The reality is that he would never understand the way I feel about what happened or agree with me. I also would never allow myself to even feel strong emotions for him again. I am worth so much more. I truly feel that the worst punishment for him is to no have any contact with me again.

[lylat333]

I wish I could just tell him off and let him really have it sometimes. The reality is that he would never understand the way I feel about what happened or agree with me. I also would never allow myself to even feel strong emotions for him again. I am worth so much more. I truly feel that the worst punishment for him is to no have any contact with me again.

 

Agree, agree, agree, 100%. I've tried a few times to write a letter (one I wouldn't send) to my ex as a cathartic release. But words completely fail what she has put me through, I can't even make it past a couple of sentences. It would either be sorely understated or if I tried to explain just how bad it was she would probably think I was just trying to point the finger at her or put her through a guilt trip.

 

It was so bad I adopted a dog the next day. Tears, tears, more tears. Little eating. Sleeping all the time. Passing thoughts of suicide. I contacted a counselor. Day in and day out of fighting, fighting just to get through the day and that is no exaggeration. Feeling like everything she ever told me was hollow.

 

I swear by NC for the same reason you are now... it's the "worst punishment". Silence is the ONLY thing I can do. Everything else feels like a white flag.

 

Alright people... don't have good news to share this morning. I was denied by the girl on Facebook:

 

Me: "Would you like to hang out and get some coffee sometime? You might want to relax when you're on break. ;)"

 

Her: "lol. Oh, there will be no time for relaxing! Maybe just a little time for sleeping in."

 

Weird how familiar this seems even 2 years later and she's someone I only met a handful of times. I messaged her again this morning to say when I got in touch I didn't intend to ask to meet up. I just thought it would be nice to give each other some company and catch up as friends.

 

But the worst thing is, after finding out my ex was on online dating, not only did I continue to think about her the rest of the afternoon and a lot of the evening (against my will) I dreamed about her a couple of times last night. Horrible... do NOT want to go through that anymore. I haven't dreamed about her in a long time... and I don't even remember what the dream was about. I just want to move the hell on, it's ridiculous what I've been going through for 4 1/2 months now.

 

I'm not particularly upset about not being taken up on my coffee date offer as I really didn't expect it to go anywhere. But I felt I asked with confidence and I'm still going to be putting myself out there.

[Mariposa10]

Agree, agree, agree, 100%. I've tried a few times to write a letter (one I wouldn't send) to my ex as a cathartic release. But words completely fail what she has put me through, I can't even make it past a couple of sentences. It would either be sorely understated or if I tried to explain just how bad it was she would probably think I was just trying to point the finger at her or put her through a guilt trip.

 

It was so bad I adopted a dog the next day. Tears, tears, more tears. Little eating. Sleeping all the time. Passing thoughts of suicide. I contacted a counselor. Day in and day out of fighting, fighting just to get through the day and that is no exaggeration. Feeling like everything she ever told me was hollow.

 

I swear by NC for the same reason you are now... it's the "worst punishment". Silence is the ONLY thing I can do. Everything else feels like a white flag.

 

Alright people... don't have good news to share this morning. I was denied by the girl on Facebook:

 

Me: "Would you like to hang out and get some coffee sometime? You might want to relax when you're on break. ;)"

 

Her: "lol. Oh, there will be no time for relaxing! Maybe just a little time for sleeping in."

 

Weird how familiar this seems even 2 years later and she's someone I only met a handful of times. I messaged her again this morning to say when I got in touch I didn't intend to ask to meet up. I just thought it would be nice to give each other some company and catch up as friends.

 

But the worst thing is, after finding out my ex was on online dating, not only did I continue to think about her the rest of the afternoon and a lot of the evening (against my will) I dreamed about her a couple of times last night. Horrible... do NOT want to go through that anymore. I haven't dreamed about her in a long time... and I don't even remember what the dream was about. I just want to move the hell on, it's ridiculous what I've been going through for 4 1/2 months now.

 

I'm not particularly upset about not being taken up on my coffee date offer as I really didn't expect it to go anywhere. But I felt I asked with confidence and I'm still going to be putting myself out there.

 

That's how she answered? wow, so indirect... hmmm... She didn't say no nor yes...

 

Anyway, I'm so glad you did it!! This is how far we've come!! I know I still remember how the thought of flirting or talking with another guy made physically ill and now I"m starting to do it, just like you. This is great news for us.

 

It's normal that you dreamed about her, you kept thinking about her the entire day. I think we should just celebrate how we're start to put ourselves out there

 

Btw, don't worry about the girl you asked out thinking you had it all premeditated. She obviously likes you to a certain point that she's responding to your messages. So my advice is not to dwell on that too much.

 

I'm really proud of you!

[lylat333]

That's how she answered? wow, so indirect... hmmm... She didn't say no nor yes...

haha, I wasn't kidding when I said, She is super hard to read, very introverted. Tough nut to crack but I'm taking what she said as a no and am definitely not chasing after her. I like dealing with more introverted people though and SO proud of myself when I got past her cold front 2 years ago and got to the point she was coming over to my house. I bet she never thought that would happen. All of the online messages I've gotten from her are standoffish, it wasn't until we got in person I got her laughing and opening up and stuff.

 

Anyway, I'm so glad you did it!! This is how far we've come!! I know I still remember how the thought of flirting or talking with another guy made physically ill and now I"m starting to do it, just like you. This is great news for us.

I agree. Thinking back I couldn't have done this months ago.

 

Btw, don't worry about the girl you asked out thinking you had it all premeditated. She obviously likes you to a certain point that she's responding to your messages. So my advice is not to dwell on that too much.

 

I'm really proud of you!

Thank you Mariposa. I am giving myself some credit and don't think she would have responded in the way she has if she wasn't happy to hear from me. And who knows, she might surprise me and take me up on something but I'm not counting on it. Been considering joining match again if nothing significant happens in the coming weeks... just feel a little weird getting back on and really, really, really don't want even a small chance of seeing any familiar faces. Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me or should be willing to take that risk/deal with it but I really don't feel like having my heart stabbed.

Edited December 11, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

Please, refresh my memory. Did you meet your ex girlfriend on a Online dating website? Do those things really work? I have a friend who tried it and didn't have a really good experience...

[organizedchaos]

Please, refresh my memory. Did you meet your ex girlfriend on a Online dating website? Do those things really work? I have a friend who tried it and didn't have a really good experience...

 

 

 

I met my recent ex on match.com and we were together for almost 3 years.

[Mariposa10]

I met my recent ex on match.com and we were together for almost 3 years.

 

How long did you guys wait before meeting in person? My friend the one who has used the website found an interesting guy, but she wanted to wait to meet him... but he didn't want to wait and just stopped responding to her messages... So she thinks maybe he was just looking for something casual, which she wasn't...

[organizedchaos]

How long did you guys wait before meeting in person? My friend the one who has used the website found an interesting guy, but she wanted to wait to meet him... but he didn't want to wait and just stopped responding to her messages... So she thinks maybe he was just looking for something casual, which she wasn't...

 

Not long. Messaging back and forth a couple of times. In OLD, the general consensus is to setup a date within the first few exchanges. Women get so many more messages if you can't grab their attention and lock something in, they'll quickly move on to other messages. At least that's been my experience. I haven't joined match again, but been playing around with tinder

[Mariposa10]

Not long. Messaging back and forth a couple of times. In OLD, the general consensus is to setup a date within the first few exchanges. Women get so many more messages if you can't grab their attention and lock something in, they'll quickly move on to other messages. At least that's been my experience. I haven't joined match again, but been playing around with tinder

 

 

Hmm, interesting... My friend doesn't know this... but she just didn't feel ready to meet the guy...

 

Too bad, I'm too shy to use those websites, maybe in the future.

[lylat333]

Please, refresh my memory. Did you meet your ex girlfriend on a Online dating website? Do those things really work? I have a friend who tried it and didn't have a really good experience...

 

Yes and no. We were both on online dating, I had actually messaged her at one point and she didn't respond. (I think she was in the middle of dating someone, and she didn't even remember getting a message from me because there's so many) About a month later my cousin met my ex's roommate on online dating... and he got me set up on a double-datish thing. So, we were all on online dating, it is kind of how it came about but me being on online dating wasn't necessary in that instance.

 

Does it work? It can. My brother met his wife online. I've met a few decent people through online dating. In case you missed it, this girl I asked out for coffee, I found her through online dating.

 

How long did you guys wait before meeting in person? My friend the one who has used the website found an interesting guy, but she wanted to wait to meet him... but he didn't want to wait and just stopped responding to her messages... So she thinks maybe he was just looking for something casual, which she wasn't...

 

Everyone feels differently about this. Some people don't see the point in waiting, some like to wait. I personally don't see the point in waiting if you both have a lot in common and there is a sense of trust. I guess I don't see it as a big deal to meet someone over coffee/dinner and take it from there... just go ahead and find out what's up. But if I were a girl I would definitely be more hesitant/cautious.. it just kind of depends on the guy and situation.

 

Bottom line though is there is a lot of crap to wade through on online dating, so I don't envy my ex for joining again and it's part of the reason I've put it off for so long. Plus there is no one in this city on online dating anyway, so I have to compete for girls who are 45 min.+ away and it's a little tough to beat out their local competition, of which they have a lot to choose from.

 

imo match is the most respectable site just based on my experience. A lot of that is because of the layout and the fact you have to pay to really use the site. OKC is hit and miss, POF is probably the trashiest, but again that's purely just my opinion. 2 years ago I was on all 3. OKC has a pretty cool matching system where you answer questions and can see how others have answered questions. It can potentially tell you a lot about a person before you ever meet them. Basically how they feel about religion, politics, intimacy, if they smoke/drink, if they're looking for kids, how tall they are, even how much money they make (but is it the truth? ) etc.

 

Unless you're not attractive or have a lot of baggage, women who join get swamped in messages. Guys don't hear back a lot of the time, the statistic I heard was like 30% but I think it's even lower than that. Plus it's hard to feel like you're getting someone's undivided attention. You never know who's in the middle of seeing someone, if something better will catch their eye, etc. But if you don't want to pick people up at bars and don't know where else to turn, you can consider it. For me it's something I feel some sense of dread coming back to.

Edited December 11, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

I know two people who met their spouses on match.com, but I don't know how long it took them, ect. Most people have told me it's like anything else: hit and miss. You have to wade through a lot of people you probably aren't interested in to find one you might like to meet. I would just go into it with no expectations.

 

I've read some tips for online dating, and most people recommend to meet fairly soon to see if you gel in person. You could waste a lot of time talking to someone who seems great, but, when you meet in person, there is no chemistry. I've thought about signing up for match.com in the new year. I think it would be nice to meet some people. I don't see that it could harm anything.

 

I don't really have any prospects at the moment. There is a guy at work, but I don't want to ask anyone out that I work with. That would be so bleeping awkward if he said no. I can't tell how he feels about me, but we do make it a point to talk when we see each other. I seriously doubt I will pursue it because we work together.

[Mariposa10]

I love how we're starting to talk about dating new people, even if we're not doing it just yet. It makes me happy to see we're ready to even start talking about it!!

 

Look how far we've come!!

 

BC: yeah, if you work with the guy that might complicate things... Just keep being friendly, and see what happens.

[Mariposa10]

Yes and no. We were both on online dating, I had actually messaged her at one point and she didn't respond. (I think she was in the middle of dating someone, and she didn't even remember getting a message from me because there's so many) About a month later my cousin met my ex's roommate on online dating... and he got me set up on a double-datish thing. So, we were all on online dating, it is kind of how it came about but me being on online dating wasn't necessary in that instance.

 

Does it work? It can. My brother met his wife online. I've met a few decent people through online dating. In case you missed it, this girl I asked out for coffee, I found her through online dating.

 

 

 

Everyone feels differently about this. Some people don't see the point in waiting, some like to wait. I personally don't see the point in waiting if you both have a lot in common and there is a sense of trust. I guess I don't see it as a big deal to meet someone over coffee/dinner and take it from there... just go ahead and find out what's up. But if I were a girl I would definitely be more hesitant/cautious.. it just kind of depends on the guy and situation.

 

Bottom line though is there is a lot of crap to wade through on online dating, so I don't envy my ex for joining again and it's part of the reason I've put it off for so long. Plus there is no one in this city on online dating anyway, so I have to compete for girls who are 45 min.+ away and it's a little tough to beat out their local competition, of which they have a lot to choose from.

 

imo match is the most respectable site just based on my experience. A lot of that is because of the layout and the fact you have to pay to really use the site. OKC is hit and miss, POF is probably the trashiest, but again that's purely just my opinion. 2 years ago I was on all 3. OKC has a pretty cool matching system where you answer questions and can see how others have answered questions. It can potentially tell you a lot about a person before you ever meet them. Basically how they feel about religion, politics, intimacy, if they smoke/drink, if they're looking for kids, how tall they are, even how much money they make (but is it the truth? ) etc.

 

Unless you're not attractive or have a lot of baggage, women who join get swamped in messages. Guys don't hear back a lot of the time, the statistic I heard was like 30% but I think it's even lower than that. Plus it's hard to feel like you're getting someone's undivided attention. You never know who's in the middle of seeing someone, if something better will catch their eye, etc. But if you don't want to pick people up at bars and don't know where else to turn, you can consider it. For me it's something I feel some sense of dread coming back to.

 

 

I still can't get over how this girl from FB answered you I remember when I took a linguistics class, I learned how some women tend to be a little bit more indirect than men, and how they like to talk about things before deciding anything... I wonder if girl was expecting to talk about things you two enjoy and then decide whether to hang out or not? I don't know. This is pure speculation, but it caught my attention the way she answered. If she wasn't interested at all, she would've given you an excuse or said no...

 

Anyway, I should just let it go and stop dwelling on it haha