Troubled with loss of relationship and NC

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks. I guess I'm resigned to continue NC at this point... but I still don't feel convinced that NC gives the best chance at reconciling with an ex. I know it's the best thing to allow the dumpee to heal.

 

Of course I want to do what's best, and right. If breaking NC is disrespectful to her, I don't want to do it. But then I wonder if we do need to talk. Do people always even know what they want? Her friend thought it would be a mistake if I came up early last week. Does it ever change things?

 

Last night I got upset at my dog for whining. I'm not allowing her to sleep in the bedroom anymore and that's what she's upset about. I wondered if her continuing to whine is similar to anything I'm doing with my ex. It's hard for me to think I'm really driving her further away, It's so hard to think that you're in 2 different emotional places, you think they're just one little mood swing away from coming back.

 

I'm glad you listened to her friend, because that would have been a disaster. And no, there's no magic formula or easy button for reconciliation. There are no words that will open the lock to her heart. You need to step back and respect the breakup. The reason why meddling doesn't work is because any and all correspondence from you comes off as pushy at this point. It doesn't matter how nice you are being, it's just annoying. And you need to realize that instead of spinning it in the "she can't possibly be mad at me for this" way you are. She can be mad and odds are, she is.

 

As for your anti-NC thing, basically you are saying you think it's better to try to cross a shark-infested river by swimming for it instead of taking your time to build a boat. While you have to eventually have contact to reconcile, NC serves the purpose of calming yourself down and her calming down. The odds of your good times resonating in her mind right now are slim, and become slimmer every time you try to pull some sort of contact. But over time, her guard is let down and her memories of you are more about the positive times than the negative end. So you need to settle down, stop being impatient and let time do it's thing.

 

In the process of NC (which you should do until you honestly are content with any result with your ex and won't flip out at any negative result of contact) you might decide that you're better off without her. That's also a good thing.

 

Cliffs: Relax and stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

[Echo000]

she is so clearly wanting to get over you..and has made enough process to block you out and any attempt at contact that you have.

 

do you really want to be with someone who is capable of ignoring you? think of her reaction, and imagine your reaction if she sent you a letter, or commented on a fb picture. see the difference?

 

pick your balls up and move it along, your looking desperate.

[lylat333]

I met with my counselor earlier... tough afternoon.

 

I can't tell you how bad I've wanted to see her or talk to her. I'll just leave it at that.

 

I've decided to be more proactive. I changed my Facebook status back to single and of all things, just reactivated my okcupid account. I never thought that day would come, I didn't want it to come, but here I am. I can already tell that my attitude towards online dating has completely changed. When I first got into it late '11 I was brimming with optimism, now I honestly expect nothing. But, it's helping me to move on and not be left in the dust. I've browsed around several profiles, not surprisingly the options near me are dry as a bone as far as I can tell.

 

To see my ex and I come to an end like this is a pill that I couldn't imagine swallowing. That may sound so silly to some people, like there are so many worse things in the world, but I honest to god came to truly love her and this is a great sense of loss, and it's been extremely difficult having to think about where I feel I fell short on my end.

 

I'm going to pick up my house tonight... try to eat a good dinner, and try to relax. I'm going to leave her alone and respect her space, I'm going to try to stop driving myself crazy with the idea that it could be within my power to control the situation.

 

I still don't necessarily regret leaving that comment yesterday. I stand by meaning it, and showing that I could be happy for her unconditionally. I realize that her moving on and dating someone else is probably the most likely scenario, and that we probably won't ever get back together to boot. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for it, if it happens anytime soon, chances are it's going to hurt like a son of a bitch. But I've been through something similar before. I don't know if it will hurt the same or not.

 

If anything happens, I'll be back. This has become an outlet for me, and hopefully serve as something for people who find themselves in a similar situation. It's been an extremely taxing test on me. I think I'll go for a long walk now.

 

**** I want to see her so bad.

Edited August 15, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

So... one interesting thing to note is that out of the handful of people who visited my profile last night, one of her 2 roommates was one of them. @_@ Me and her always got along pretty well.

 

So now I'm sure my ex knows I'm back on online dating. How she will interpret that or what effect that will have on things, I don't know but my attitude now is it's not really my place to care. But I've decided I'm not going to simply sit back and wait.

[lylat333]

Day 24 of NC, still not much new. I had an incredibly busy weekend, which is a silver lining. Spent all day Friday helping to set up an auction, was at the auction Saturday, Saturday evening I ran a 5K which I crushed my previous PR in, and Sunday I actually went to a church service, went to a dinner/musical, then played sand volleyball w/ ~15 other people and went out for dinner afterwards.

 

Other than that, nothing has really changed. My plan this week is to stay out of the house as much as possible unless I'm working out, eat a lot of good meals, and hang on until the 1 month mark. Focus on waiting out another weekend, and see where I stand.

 

The literal heavy heart is gone, my appetite seems to be back mostly... the days don't seem as horrible at work... yet I remain convinced I am as sad and defeated as I was. Disappointed, frustrated, everything.

 

I still check my ex's FB here and there, she went to the state fair this past weekend, but with a good group, no guys involved or anything. I really don't get the impression she's interested in even dating or on the prowl, which gives me some hope. She should know she can practically snap her fingers and get a date or a guy to go out with any time she wants. Most guys don't have that luxury, certainly not me and with where I live!

 

I hope that something will remind her of me... or that if she meets potential guys it won't stack up to what we had. That's what I went through. Met a couple of fun/cute girls when things weren't so well with us, but my interest died off really fast and I still loved her. Here's to making it through the upcoming week.

Edited August 19, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

I know no one is responding to this thread, and that's fine by me. I don't mean for this to be disruptive posting. Just want to be able to document my experience with NC and change in emotions over time.

 

I guess today is day 26, yesterday was a very interesting day as far as my emotions go. I experienced a noticeable tick down in mental gymnastics, and the day went by faster than usual. The first week of NC, days felt like they took at least 3x longer. I also had a huge drop in desire to check Facebook, in fact I didn't even want to.

 

After work I went to another new park, took pictures, did come home and upload them to a new album but after that I didn't want to check Facebook. I went to bed, woke up - still didn't want to check Facebook, and didn't. By the time work is over, it will have been close to 24 hours if not more since checking it which is practically unheard of for me. For anyone else going through NC... if you are still allowing yourself to check your ex's FB now and then (I still do) I highly recommend sparing yourself from checking FB during work or lunch. You'll function so much better and the time will go by so much faster.

 

One thing that stuck out to me was a new piece of activity from her on FB. (I really hope no one we know ever stumbles across this) She shared something her mom had posted, an image with a list of Bible verses to call on in times of emergency. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but that seemed a little strange coming from her, and I had to wonder why she would feel compelled to share something that would resonate in a time of distress. I don't consider myself a religious person, at least I have no interest in organized religion... she used that as one of the reasons for why she had doubt about the relationship but I maintain that was mostly a cop-out, for reasons I will refrain from going into detail about.

 

It's crazy... seeing her post sparked that little part in me that thought, "Good! Maybe she's coming to her senses or leveling out." Whether you're the dumper or dumpee, it's like blood to a shark. You sense any potential weakness from a mile away, and a few drops of blood is enough to keep you satiated for a surprising amount of time. I could be a bit delusional but I feel that I have been starving the beast for a while not showing an ounce of weakness for weeks. She knows I'm on online dating, I've pretty much left her alone, I beat her to the punch taking down our pictures, and making it known I'm single again. She's getting everything she wanted. It could be completely benign, or for all I know she had a ONS or something close to it and is in regret. Thinking about it doesn't change what's happened, and it would be wrong of me to presume anything... I know the thinking that does cross my mind is pure speculation.

 

I felt some peace knowing that if I'm right and she finds there's not much joy or fulfillment left to be found in an immature lifestyle, she will miss me. I thought she was beautiful, and she knows I would have done anything for her and did my best to always be respectful to her. If she doesn't want the same kind of life I want, then it's just not going to work. I still miss her, I still wish some things could have been different, but I'm proud of how I channeled all of the negative energy I've endured since she cut contact.

Edited August 21, 2013 by lylat333

[Simon Phoenix]

Stay off her Facebook dude. That's just unnecessary drama and delay in your recovery. Block her, or at least your news feed, if you can't do it yourself. I blocked my ex's news feed (didn't delete or block her entirely for political reasons) and it did wonders in my healing not knowing a single thing about what she's doing. You are now going through mental gymnastics and trying to read into everything she's doing.

 

STOP CHECKING HER FACEBOOK!!! That's not NC if you are doing that.

[lylat333]

Right now I don't even want to. I guess because it feels like I'm fanning a flame of neediness.

 

I'm not particularly concerned about what I end up seeing and whether it's good or bad, I think it's the act itself that makes me feel more emotionally attached to her when that's not what I need right now, I understand.

 

Right now I can't even imagine her getting in touch with me. I don't feel all, "maybe tonight's the night" anymore. It's really hard for me to imagine her going out of her way to initiate contact anytime down the road for any reason, I think it's her personality type to bury things and let it be.

 

It's amazing how different I feel compared to 6 days ago. Probably my biggest 'concern' right now is when I would ever fall in love with anyone again. There's no one I know I have any interest in seeing, and no woman I ever see in public does anything for me, I'm feeling pretty burned out and I suppose that will have to run its course for however long.

[Simon Phoenix]

Take it one day at a time. Don't think about down the road, concentrate on what's happening now.

[lylat333]

Tonight I saw a comment from my ex on FB, which I really didn't want to see so I hid her friend's stuff and then I also went to go hide my ex's activity from my feed. While on her page, I do decide to do a round on everything. (I know, Simon... but there are points I want to see if there's any new truth)

 

She removed a couple of cover photos of flowers I had sent her, as well as any profile pictures that had me in them of which there were at least 1 or 2. I've never seen her take down pictures before, she's always left everything up even if she isn't particularly proud of it. I'm sure she went and saw I did the same thing, whether or not it influenced her decision. She hasn't changed her relationship status, which she always used to keep as single, even changed it to single when we stopped being Facebook official earlier in the year.

 

There's a little bit of sadness, but really I'm extremely frustrated and bitter right now, and I need an outlet to vent. I'm now very resentful towards my ex, at this point I don't really care what she does. I can't believe this has happened, I don't get it. There isn't much she could do from here on out to surprise or shock me... go out to the bars, go on another cruise, go to Vegas, date a meathead... do whatever the hell you want.

 

She's not my friend anymore, and I won't be happy for her anytime soon. I've kept hoping she'll get in touch and there will be a better understanding, but no. I feel I'm being treated like someone that can just be used up and abandoned. Let me tell you, she won't for a moment get the pleasure of seeing a chink in my armor.

 

I know I've got a lot of life ahead of me, but I'm tired. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and living by myself, but I want someone in my life. I'm tired of "hanging in there", I've done this before and never wanted to go back. I don't want to go another 7-8+ months not even meeting someone worth a 3rd or 4th date. I've been with 2 girls I really liked and had super high interest in, I just don't meet people that pique my interest and I'm all for meeting new people.

 

Gonna call it a night early tonight, allow myself to put the world on hold for a bit. So disheartened right now. I've worked so hard ever since I've been an adult, always tried to do the right things and now it feels like a shred of true happiness has become ridiculously elusive. "Hanging in there" is the new normal for me, even when I try to do everything I can to stay active and better myself. Goodnight, LS.

Edited August 22, 2013 by lylat333

[Simon Phoenix]

Honestly, I sympathize with everything you are saying. I too, don't meet many people that really stick with me, so when the ones that do fail, it sucks. I fell head over heels for my last ex, so when it died, I was devastated (helped by the fact that the break was initially my fault) and I held on to hope a little longer than normal because I figured that because it's so rare that I find a person I really enjoy, that there has to be something more. Unfortunately, that's not how the world works. It takes two to tango.

 

You will meet someone else, as will I. I mean, I've had four women I've fallen four in my life. No reason there can't be a fifth. And there's no reason there can't be a third for you. It's happened a couple of times, so we know it's possible.

 

Normally I'd get all over you for scouring through her page (you can block their news feed without clicking on their page at all), but maybe you saw what you needed to see to get rid of the irrational hope and fully move forward. Hopefully you did.

[lylat333]

Glad someone sympathizes. Where I live, people settle down very quickly. Even my ex and I had a lot of differences, but I really liked her a lot. I was attracted to her, she didn't smoke, she wasn't looking for a cowboy, no kids (tons of single moms here, not something I've ever been on board with) and the fact she had education and an admirable job were icing on the cake.

 

I'm moving forward the best I can, I know there's nowhere else to go. When I do check my ex's FB I'm not hoping to see anything in particular. I don't go there expecting to see her depressed, I just simply want to have some idea of what's going on, even though I know there's no accurate way to interpret a lot of it. For instance... last week I left that positive comment about a project she recently finished. I actually noticed that she hid those photos from her timeline recently, which seemed a bit bizarre. The photo is still there in her photos, still visible to friends, my comments are still there, but you don't see it when scrolling on her timeline.

 

Considering she also took down cover/profile pictures that had to do do with me, I could interpret that as housekeeping to make way for a new guy in the picture. But I know I can't know that for sure. For all I know, maybe she did it out of spite. Who knows if she felt any sadness over it. I know I have no control over the situation.

 

I know strict NC means not even checking her FB. But NC to me generally either means she sees no contact from me or I see no contact from her. It's day 27 since I've had any contact from her, 7 days of her having any form of contact from me, and 0 days of strict NC. For me now the most important thing is her receiving no direct contact from me. No FB interaction, no calls, texts, letters, showing up, etc.

 

It is sad that I feel so stuck on all this when she probably isn't struggling. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, I could have kept hitting snooze for quite some time. I missed breakfast. I have another massage scheduled for Saturday morning which I am looking forward to so much. Sorry to type so much, I do need a place to get this all out and welcome any input. Down in the bottom of my soul I do not want to go through another extended period of being single and not being able to find someone. I feel like I'm chained up and am being dragged back into it against my will. If I can ever come out of this again, and find a way to be happy, god I will count my lucky stars.

[Lostfairie]

Hello!

 

I really appreciated you helping me out, so I thought I'd try and return the favor. Between work and everything else, it took me several hours to finish...

 

First, let me preface this with I am certainly no expert. I can only speak from my personal experience. I may say a few things that go against the norm on this site. I am not suggesting in any way that you should follow my advice over others...

 

So, onto my thoughts... First, on NC. I believe that in 98% of the cases I've seen here, NC is the only way to get back a lost love. That being said, I personally think that there is a slight possibility that you are in the 2% that shouldn't. I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure... It would help a little if I knew why you broke up. You eluded to the fact that you weren't ready to take that next step in commitment at least once, as well as, you let things get distant. So, I'm basing my thoughts on that.

 

My "bf" was never big into commitment... That was one of our problems. If I had to pin down the reason that I left him (and only one), I would say that was it. So, let me play this out for you...

 

I tell him I need more love from him... More commitment.

 

Then he responds by being more distant.

 

So then I break up with him

 

He comes back and says, "I really do love you. You are what I want."

 

I think, "hmmm, really? I think maybe u are just terrified to be without me, but once I let you back in, ull still be the commitmentphobe you've always been" So, this time I want more. I need a declaration of love... It's kind of a too little, too late... But keep in mind, both of the pieces of that cliche have got to be true... Too little AND too late... Too late can be ok if it comes with something big.

 

So, I say no, bc I don't really think you are going to change.

 

Then, he stops talking to me... Makes no real effort to show that he really has changed and that he's totally committed to me and won't be distant anymore.

 

So, I think, "hmmm, well, I guess I was right"

 

Though most romances are bogus, there is a reason why women eat them up... The previously unavailable guy fights for the girl. The guy makes a grand gesture and shows that he will change. For me, at least, NC when the problem was no contact, seems to be counterintuitive.

 

This is not what happened with my "bf"... For the most part. He made his declaration, but then he stopped talking to me about it. If we didn't live/work together, I would have no idea how much he was pining for me... And I can tell you the primary reason that I DO want to get back together with him is bc I believe in earnest that he would change now. But, he still hasn't made any grand gesture like, maybe, asking me to marry him?! So I still wonder, where do I really stand?

 

One thing I DO think, no matter what, is that you can't seem miserable... Though I do still love him, his crazy drinking he's started does make me a little apprehensive, but on the flip side, it also is indicative of just how much he cares.

 

Anyway, regardless, this is only me, and how I look at my situation, so please don't follow my advice... Also, I have no clue why you broke up really... I only think that this would be the situation for a girl who didn't feel loved or committed to.

 

Another thought I had was about you contacting her friend to ask about visiting her... If you are going the NC route, I think that contacting her friend is just about the WORST thing you can do. Her friend will absolutely tell her that you are inquiring about her and you will seem even worse, IMHO, then if you just contacted her yourself!

 

On the friend note, I was also thinking that her telling you not to visit you wasn't good news to my advice above...

 

However, I personally think you are looking at her taking down your pics in the wrong light... Now, let me remind you that I have no clue what's really going on, but from what you have shared, I read it like this... She was holding onto some type of hope that y'all would get back together... Then she finds out that you are getting over her and creating a dating profile and all... So, she's crushed and takes down her last remaining connection to you. I absolutely could be wrong, so pls don't take my word for it.

 

Last but not least, I'm going to share one of my thoughts that bugged me more than anything else you said. You stated that you would not get back together with her if she was with another guy... Hmmmm... This bugs me so much. If you love her so much, why would that play a role? Y'all are broken up... She may need that to see how much she loves you. I worry that you may be more in love with the idea of her then truly with her. Maybe in love with the chase? I would just think that the unconditional love that lasts years would not be based on what she does or doesn't do in your break up. Just a thought.

 

I hope I haven't come across badly in any way... I wanted to give you my honest feeling on your situation bc you've been helping me so much with mine...

[lylat333]

You're welcome and thanks so much for offering your input here, I really appreciate it. It's OK w/ me if it goes against conventional wisdom, it's nice to hear from people.

 

I'll fill in some more information that I think better supports the decisions I'm making. I actually did a pretty good amount of fighting when I really felt her slipping away. A little over a month ago, she wasn't responding to my calls or texts on the night of her birthday... I was 9 hours away visiting my best friend in another state. I started to freak out because she normally always answers her phone, so I headed straight to her house, literally not sleeping a wink that night and going over 24 hours without sleep. She called me a bit before I got to her house unhappy that she woke up to see so many missed calls and texts. So, apparently she wasn't purposefully ignoring me, and I believed her because we were distant enough at this point I don't think she would have bothered to lie about it.

 

I explained to her as best I could how much I wanted to work things out and give us another chance. She asked what would change, I lined it out. She came back saying, "I honestly don't think it's going to work. I'm not saying no, but I'm really not feeling it." I gave her space for the next few days, she calls me a few nights later and asks if a few nights after that would be OK to meet up and talk. I agree, and bide my time until that, again not pestering her. She had an extremely short fuse when it came to me contacting her at this point, even when I tried to be completely casual and friendly.

 

She came over to my house, ended up spending the night (I pleaded), but that was the last I ever saw her. At this point, I can tell she's just becoming completely disconnected. I did what I actually now regret, but I put my heart out on the line, embraced her, cried, everything. We slept in my bedroom and I refused to let her go all night, I barely slept. The morning was actually OK, she was friendly to me, we hugged goodbye. She would say things that confused me like she's afraid getting close to me will confuse her more, she said she still cared about me, etc. But I'm not kidding myself, I'm really feeling it's done.

 

That night I called to talk to her, even though I knew she probably wouldn't want to hear from me. I was right. She was at someone's house at a bbq/party, lots of guys there. She told me when she was at my house, "Maybe I'm making a mistake, I don't know." I told her I called to let her know... about that... I did think she was making a mistake. I was calm on the phone, not crying or acting upset I was more stern than anything. I laid out my case again, thought I said it all just right... she replies with, "Are you done?" I said yes, she said, ~"I can't take this anymore, just leave me alone. Don't call me, don't text me, just leave me alone." *click* And that is the last I ever heard from her.

 

I then called her sister to talk to her for about half an hour. Staying composed, but her thing was that she just wants to see her sister happy and that she thinks she needs some space to figure out what she wants. I express my concerns, let her go. I had messaged her female friend who responded positively, and I knew that my ex would find out, but that was fine... I didn't want to get made out to be the bad guy by my ex because I knew it would happen. I want to talk to the people close to her to show them I didn't turn into some psycho. (if anything, I hoped they would feel she is the one acting strange) Throughout all this I asked her straight up if she was interested in anyone else and she said no, and again I believed her. I still don't think she had a specific backup, probably a few guys that started to pique her interest and the fact that her roommate broke up w/ her boyfriend and was getting her back out into the bars added fuel to the fire. She knows I'm not a fan of bars and has wavered on whether she wants to go herself as she gets older.

 

When I talked to another friend of hers, our mutual male friend who works with her I know that he didn't tell her, and I'm very confident of that. He really likes me and has my back 100% and went through the most brutal of breakups earlier in his life. He made it very clear not to call, don't expect to get back together within a month, etc... that was the night I thought about showing up at her work. I was totally taken aback by the 180 she's done. It hurts but she's clearly been thinking about this and made up her mind without a whole lot of input from me.

 

So, I don't know what all has gone on. As far as not wanting to take her back depending on what she's been up to, I expressed that concern to my counselor and she immediately said that's something we need to talk about, but we ran out of time our last session. I'll meet with her again within a week and she'll talk to me. I am thinking more on that... I agree that I should not consider this time as us together, I really can't hold it against her. But I am a bit bitter because I've only been intimate with 2 people in my life, and she's one of them. Chances are I won't be getting intimate with anyone else anytime soon, I have really high physical/emotional standards at this point. If she ever were to get back in touch, I think you do have to treat it like a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one. Not putting much thought into it though, I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it. I'll be fine if I'm to the point I don't even want anything to do with her.

 

The FB pictures. I hear you, but I am drawing on my own experience as the dumper in thinking that while I'm not totally happy with it, it's better than leaving them up. When I dumped my ex I put her on the backburner, it was very comforting to see that she hadn't taken our pictures down. Made me feel better about myself, made me feel like she was still there. I'm not giving my ex that comfort. She knows where to find me, she has been completely ignoring me and not listening to me for a good while. She told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore which hurt like hell. I wrote her that sincere letter, nothing.

 

She's got her radar up for other people. I think of it as the dumper is trying to cross over a big gap between 2 cliffs. She's been holding onto my hand and is reaching across the gap, stretching to try and find someone else to help her across, and as soon as she finds it, she'll drop me in a heartbeat. I'm nothing but a security blanket right now and I'm not helping her. If she wants to cross, she'll do it on her own knowing I'm not here. She knows I care, I'm sure of it. If she ever doubts that, she could try and throw a breadcrumb my way, which she probably thinks I'll eat up. Nope. She's the one who has to fight for me now whether she knows it or not.

 

You didn't come across badly one bit. Thanks again.

Edited August 23, 2013 by lylat333

[Lostfairie]

No problem, man...

 

Ok, when I say fight for her, I don't mean gravelling;-)... I mean a big romantic gesture... Think boom box over your head, flowers, proposals, riding up on a white horse... But it has to be done with confidence (come to think of it, that all sounds a bit complicated;-)), but you get what I mean.

 

I think maybe you are in a place where NC is best, but I still am not sure... I would want to know what you said. A lot of the things you said that she said I think I said to my BF as well.

 

I still want to know the reason why y'all originally took your distance... What problems did she have with you? You with her?

 

As far as FB goes, I'm definitely not trying to say that you shouldn't have taken the pics down... I think that was fine. Just trying to give you another perspective.

[Simon Phoenix]

No problem, man...

 

Ok, when I say fight for her, I don't mean gravelling;-)... I mean a big romantic gesture... Think boom box over your head, flowers, proposals, riding up on a white horse... But it has to be done with confidence (come to think of it, that all sounds a bit complicated;-)), but you get what I mean.

 

 

Bad idea. That's great in the movies and all, but in real life, that doesn't work.

[lylat333]

Ok, when I say fight for her, I don't mean gravelling;-)... I mean a big romantic gesture... Think boom box over your head, flowers, proposals, riding up on a white horse... But it has to be done with confidence (come to think of it, that all sounds a bit complicated;-)), but you get what I mean.

 

I don't know that you're completely off base with this... but in my case it would be too late for it. When I was the dumper a couple of years ago, I do remember all of the pleading didn't move me. (we're all in agreement groveling doesn't work...) But after looking back I thought that if she would have done something really over the top when I was still in doubt, I might have come to my senses, but that's a huge 'if'. When she got into a relationship I made her a big collage full of good memories and things we had in common... though it didn't work, maybe something like that. With my current ex, I had a night where I thought I could have created a funny little petition for us to be together. Have all of our friends and family sign it and how we were a good couple. We really were, we were the couple everyone thought looked great together. If I was going to do something like that I should have done it in the 2-3 day wait I had before she came over to my house for the last time. I tend to agree w/ Simon tough, even grand gestures don't usually work.

 

I think maybe you are in a place where NC is best, but I still am not sure... I would want to know what you said. A lot of the things you said that she said I think I said to my BF as well.

 

Yeah, I try not to put too much stock in all that's been said when we were emotional. Not just to get my hopes up or anything, but I know I've said things that I woke up the next morning to feel differently on. It didn't totally crush me that she's not attracted to me anymore, because I know attraction can leave and come back, even stronger than ever even when their physical appearance hasn't changed. Mine hasn't, I'm only getting in better shape, I know it's all emotional for her right now.

 

I still want to know the reason why y'all originally took your distance... What problems did she have with you? You with her?

 

That goes back a ways. I'll try to sum up the whole history quickly. We met in late April '12, took it pretty slow... about a month and a half later we really started to fall for each other, and started to become intimate. This is exactly what I had been waiting for for 7-8 months. Then, one night she got really drunk and her female friend's brother was down to visit and staying at her friend's house where she crashed at. He pressured her into kissing him and she gave in. No touching, just kissing, she said as soon as it ended she was mad at him because she had told him she was dating me. She also said she has never done anything like that before and I believe her. But we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend yet, though that was pretty obviously coming. Killed me and my trust with her... then I found out more about her past that was hard to swallow... but she did everything you could ask for for a very long time to regain almost all of my trust back, even though I never really forgave her for it. (I finally did recently) She was absolutely devastated over it, for someone who is normally so strong and composed, she was a mess. I heard about how she was practically catatonic at work and cried in her boss' office over it. She was so ashamed she could barely speak to me.

 

Early this year she was over at someone's house and I caught her in a lie about it, she told me she was at home and I could tell something was wrong. She wasn't doing anything, just hanging out but it wasn't the greatest of situations and I was livid because she felt like she had to lie to me about it. We talked it over, got closer than ever... but then I started to really question a lot. We ended up breaking up on FB, though we continued to see each other a lot. Finally there came a time a couple of months ago where there was a 3-week period we both had things going on and weren't seeing each other much. She'd be gone, I'd be gone, etc. We weren't talking near as much, but she made it clear she wanted to be with me and for months I was the one not wanting to commit. She came back one weekend from visiting family and I wasn't in a good mood, told her it was OK we didn't see each other that night, maybe wait 2-3 nights. She said at that moment it showed her that she didn't think it was working. Didn't think much of it... on my vacation to go see my friend is when it started to hit me I really wanted to get back together and stop being in limbo, and as soon as I started to come forward she pulled away. Which is so crazy because it really wasn't just 2-3 weeks before that she was talking to me about how she talked it over with her sisters about how she did love me and wanted to be bf/gf.

 

As far as FB goes, I'm definitely not trying to say that you shouldn't have taken the pics down... I think that was fine. Just trying to give you another perspective.

 

Thanks again. Any and all opinions are welcome. I didn't get on Facebook period last night, so it's been over 24 hours since I've logged on. I've had a change of heart about checking her stuff... right now I don't want to see anything. I don't want to know what she's doing, I'm sort of sick thinking about it all. Yet I had 2 bizarre dreams last night, another one where I dreamed we talked and we were reconciling. I've had that dream at least 4-5 times now, it seems so real every time.

Edited August 23, 2013 by lylat333

[Lostfairie]

So, from what I know now, I'd have to agree with NC. I think if you'd have done it originally, it probably would have been the better step for a grand gesture. But probably it would come across as desperate at this point... Probably... I'm still not 100% sold on NC when the original problem was NC and inability to commit.

 

Being someone on the other side of this situation, I'm still wondering how in heck I would know that you are gung ho about the relationship now if you don't tell me... I would just assume that you didn't feel that way about me... I'd be broken hearted, but I'd leave you alone... I'd probably even think that I should do NC myself! So, my question is, how can two people actually know that the other one is still madly in love if they are both doing NC?

 

Let me emphasize... I feel VERY strongly that in 98% of circumstances that NC IS the correct response... But when lack commitment and lack of love are in question...

 

So, yeah... Either way it does seem like trust got broken pretty early... That's a pretty big thing for either of you to recover from... Just make me a promise... If you are lucky enough to get her back... Leave all the past issues in the past. I don't think you can ever have a good relationship if you don't...

 

BTW, how old is she?

[lylat333]

I felt I made it very clear I wanted to commit and she's the one I could really picture myself with, and I would never see positive feedback. The more I fought, the worse it got. She straight up told me that calling her just made things worse, so... I don't feel there's any reason I should be trying to get in touch especially when she told me to leave her alone. I tried to be nice afterwards and got nothing in return. There's no way I'm breaking NC now. I don't even feel I did anything particularly wrong... yeah we became distant but she's the one who pretty much slammed the door in my face and wanted to move on to other things. The ball is totally in her court, I don't really care how hard it is for her to break contact. If she has a change of heart she'll find a way.

 

Yeah, if I get another chance and decide to try again, I'll find out real quick whether or not I can leave the past in the past. Dealing with infidelity/sexual insecurity was completely new to me last year at the age of 27 so it was hard. I did my best not to hold it against her, but it was a nagging issue several times. But we were still a happy couple and when we were intimate all those thoughts were free from my mind. I also made it clear at the end those issues weren't an issue for me anymore. She just turned 25.

Edited August 23, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

Here it is, one month since hearing from her. I can only hope that's as tough as it gets.

 

The past 30+ days has been a constant stream of... little to no information. Everything seems very static, though I have generally been functioning better over time. I did have another dream about my ex Friday night, and have had a couple of mini-breakdowns. Not just over her, but general dissatisfaction with life and bitterness welling up.

 

The new thing on the horizon is that I plan on getting new carpet for my house, which would be great. I'm probably going to look into fostering my dog soon so she can find a good home. Once things get under control and I'm out of some bills I have that are piling up, I'm sure I will feel better.

 

It sucks that 31 days later, I still feel like there is nothing for me in the way of companionship. I wish my ex would realize how unfairly things ended... and/or I wish I could meet someone else I could even start to picture sharing my life with. The worst place to be is when you feel like you have so little hope, there isn't much to fuel my optimism.

 

I ordered the book, "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott, looking forward to reading it this week, hopefully find something in the book to help me out.

[lylat333]

Day 32.

 

I read something interesting last night in "Getting Past Your Breakup" (good book so far). It talked about the stages of grief, and the author says that she believes the stages are not a linear path. The emotions of grief are fluid and you can move back and forth until you get to the true end point - acceptance.

 

Being honest with myself, I know have not yet accepted the breakup. I still believe the whole thing is a big mistake and misunderstanding.

 

I've spent many hours reading past LS threads to learn from. There's a spectrum I find myself on each end of... whether or not I believe my ex will ever contact me. I need to work on not even concerning myself with this, as worrying about it ultimately changes nothing. That's what GPYB has started to help me with... not expending valuable energy towards things that offer nothing in return.

 

That said, I do want to get this off my chest: I see my ex as someone with a lot of pride, she makes a very conscious effort to trudge forward and never show weakness. It seems practically inevitable dumpees carry with them a subtle hope that their ex will eventually show remorse, even if they aren't particularly interested in reconciling.

 

Sometimes I am very disheartened because I read posts from dumpees where many months have passed and they have yet to hear anything. A few minutes later I'm filled with hope because of posts that make me feel confident it's only a matter of time... that there are latent feelings inside of her that will resurface. They have to! Right? I don't know.

 

Posting to LS and journaling is a tremendous help instead of driving myself insane or acting out and potentially breaking NC. I haven't checked my ex's Facebook lately... I have some things I need to take care of in my own life like a few medical bills, relinquishing my dog, and getting new carpet and after that I think I will feel much better and feel I am regaining control of and continuing to improve my life. I still don't see women that spark my attraction, but I am emotionally more open to the idea of at least trying to meet/casually date someone.

Edited August 27, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

Day 34 since I last heard from my ex. Some new developments emotionally.

 

34 days ago, I didn't think anyone could really understand the pain I was going through. I honest to goodness didn't think I would ever get over this. Sometimes I still feel the pain is never going to go away.

 

Yesterday I felt... slightly happy for the first time. Granted, it was right after I started drinking my daily 7.5 oz can of Mountain Dew, but I found myself bopping my head back and forth and humming a tune, thinking random silly thoughts that had nothing to do with what's been torturing me. I was like, "woah, how did I get here?" Then, this morning I said hi to our lady at the front desk like I always do, she made a comment about our current Words With Friends game, I laughed and smiled and walked away, and she said, "there's that smile!" I usually smile all the time... but starting last month the smile was gone. I couldn't bring myself to smile, laugh, or joke about anything.

 

That's all started to change, even though the hurt isn't gone. I got my house measured last night for new carpeting which I'm very excited about. I think it's so important to give yourself things to look forward to when you're in this difficult time. Whether it's tomorrow or a week or a month from now, it helps.

 

I still check her FB every once in a while, only when I feel I am ready (i.e. more bitter/angry and not sad) - when I'm in a mood that even if I see her out or perhaps even with another guy, I won't care and that it will only confirm this is the track I am destined to be on. It feels like a hit of a drug every time I check her page, because that's basically what it is. Her sister put up a status (I should hide her stuff, too) that said, "When opportunity doesn't knock, open a door." and my ex was one of the people who liked it late last night. Of course, being the dumpee I knee-jerk analyze everything. She must have thought of me when she saw that, huh? Is that a clear sign she's happy she's over me? Is she emotional? I'm mature enough to know that it's not something you can put any real stock in. It's very possible she just thought it sounded nice and wanted to support something her sister put up and really has no bearing on me whatsoever. And if it does? It doesn't matter.

 

It's hard to believe it's barely been 3 weeks since I wrote her a letter and started this thread. If she were to contact me out of the blue, I would be stunned. I'm really not expecting it at this point... I'm resigned to assuming I'll never hear from her again.

 

I almost have to believe she will eventually feel regret if she hasn't already that I was left out in the cold so suddenly and possibly even the fact that I was not privy to something that caused her to detach from me. Doesn't mean it's enough for her to break her silence. I may not be over her yet or able to date, but I can still come back to enjoying some of the things I once did and climb out of this depression.

Edited August 29, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

Day 41 since hearing from her, Day 21 of her hearing anything from me. (seems longer than that)

 

I've wanted to post here but avoid it because of bumping an old thread.

 

Here's what I'm dealing with now: I still struggle with the confusion of my ex cutting contact with me. However, my desire to contact her has continued to trend downward, which is good.

 

I've been so busy and preoccupied I haven't even finished reading, "Getting Past Your Breakup". I'm surprised, it was a page-turner book but I'm thankful I'm not just sitting on the couch wasting away. I have not stuck to my early morning walks which I wanted to do... I'm falling back into my habit of hitting snooze countless times but I'm getting to work earlier.

 

I do need to vent some negative feelings... I'm trying to do all the right things but there is definitely a huge pit of bitterness and confusion. I can't seem to help but continually wonder where things really are and how she feels about me. When you're in this confusing place... I know it's easy for others to say don't worry about it and just live life, but I'm getting really tired of waiting to see where things are going. I just want to be happy, I mean truly happy and it feels like life is like, "You don't get to be happy now. It doesn't matter what you eat, how much you exercise, you don't get to be happy for x more months."

 

After looking back on our relationship with a more objective eye, I can see all the evidence for why she wasn't ready or on the same page as me. Little things she would do and say that were red flags. Last night I started to get the sinking feeling that there's a very good chance she's not going to make the most healthy decisions in the near-future if she hasn't already. Then I start wondering... what if she's screwed up and that's what's keeping her from contacting me? I feel like she would have by now but what would stop her is her either being embarrassed to talk to me or her being worried I'm nothing but angry with her now.

 

I'm not too happy with her, so she has some reason to be concerned though I wouldn't want it to stop her from contacting me. *sigh* I told my brother I'm waiting for a good day to come, a TRULY good, happy day. I can't wait to get to a good place and get out of this mess of emotions.

Edited September 5, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

I'm sorry. I do know what you are going through. Luckily, I have come to a place of acceptance, but I'm still just as sad when I think about it. I get angry at him too sometimes. Then, I feel like I wasted 3 years of my life. A lot of emotions.

 

I was the one who asked for NC, so I think that helped me a lot. I was able to gain some control back. It's a different kind of sad now, but it's for the best.

[lylat333]

The thought that she could just bury our relationship after that last phone call and never be in touch makes me sick. I mean, I'm sure if we remain FB friends there will eventually come a day 1-2+ years in the future where she may innocently like something I put up, but that would be meaningless.

 

She'll be the first to admit she can tend to take after her mom which really concerns me. Her mom's outlook is never show weakness and but yet accepts and just "deals with" life circumstances. Her mom's in an unhappy 2nd marriage, doesn't even sleep in the same bed as her husband, but "that's life" and the weak/wrong thing to do would be to admit to the world she's unhappy. Even if my ex is unhappy without me, even if she goes back to being out late at bars/clubs which she doesn't truly enjoy she'll simply think "that's life". And that's not the person I want to be with, I just wish she would aspire for something better and different for her.

 

Thank you BC1980. I will eventually be able to accept it because the silver lining is I tried. Of course I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but for the most part I think I was exceedingly good to her, treated her with respect, and at the end I just tried to to what I thought was right and best. I never said any harsh words I regret even though I would get so upset sometimes. If we don't get back together it's because she didn't want to, this is what she chose.

 

I still get sad thinking of my serious relationship before her, the girl I was with for 6 1/2 years because especially towards the end I screwed up a lot. I can't change any of it, and I have finally come to a place of acceptance with that. I am at a place I never thought I would be - being able to truly wish my other ex the best and want her to be happy even if it's not with me. I don't know when/if I will ever feel that with my current ex.