Troubled with loss of relationship and NC

[BC1980]

What has helped me tremendously is to throw myself into new goals that are for me and only me. My ex and I liked to hike on vacations because we live in a pretty flat place right now. I have really started working out more and making goals to hike certain mountains. I knocked one off the list this past July, which made me feel really good. I am already working out and training to do another mountain on my goal list.

 

The lucky thing with me is that once I am out of my contract for work, I could move anywhere and get a job since I am a nurse. So, I was thinking of moving or doing travel nursing in a year or so to a place where I could really do more hiking as a true hobby.

 

But just that goal of hiking that mountain and now making goals to do more, it has helped me in so many ways. It gave me a purpose other than sitting around on my days off. It gave me something to look forward to in the future. If you can find anything like that to funnel your energy into, I would recommend you do so. It's one thing for us to say, go do something for yourself, get out of the house, ect. But actually having a plan and sticking to it made a world of difference for me.

 

Also, have you tried volunteering? I was thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter, which I have wanted to do for years anyway but never did. I should have done it a long time ago, but now there is no excuse.

[lylat333]

Wow, so interesting that you mention hiking because that's exactly what I've been doing. When I was still with her I talked about how I wanted to visit all the nearby state/city parks and walk all the trails... but didn't make much progress on that. Starting about a month ago I got into this goal hardcore and have uploaded several albums' worth of photos from all the places I've been going to.

 

I also have been trying to run and work out more, and my running times have increased dramatically. I put up some info about this on FB so I'm sure she probably knows... I'm doing all the things I said I wanted to do and I'm really happy about that. A little part of me hoped it would help win her back but it hasn't been enough for her to contact me. But that's OK, I know it's really about me. I still have many more places lined up to go to.

 

Best wishes to you and pursuing your goals. I've never thought about volunteering but I will remember you mentioning this.

[lylat333]

I'm open for input from anyone reading this... I've been thinking more of the idea of blocking my ex on FB. I even created a thread a while back asking about how dumpers feel about being blocked on FB, but don't remember hearing from any dumpers.

 

I used to check my ex's FB, first it was a compulsion after I last heard from her, then I got to where I would only check it when I felt ready. Now I haven't checked it for at least 2-3 days and am getting to the point where I don't even want to look at it, but almost in a regressive way like I don't want to see a boatload of stuff all at one time as I go longer not looking at it.

 

So here's the situation: I'm not particularly worried about breaking down and checking my ex's FB anytime soon, so my reason for blocking is not really about that. The biggest reason I'm thinking about doing it is to "reject the rejector"... and if it puts any power back to me then it's what I want to do. I have no interest in being friends with her but also don't want to do something that makes me look weak. Maybe I missed a window of opportunity, perhaps I should have done it right after she told me not to contact her anymore.

 

I think her friends and family all see me very positively and it seems odd to block her but remain friends with everyone else... and I really don't like the idea of unfriending them all. I actually did unfriend a bunch of her friends one night over a month ago because I got so upset, but re-friended almost all of them a night or two later because I felt I overreacted and wanted to reconcile with my ex.

 

In your honest-to-goodness opinion, what kind of message would me blocking her send? I always hear the best thing you want to do is live well and live with indifference towards your ex... I feel blocking her may send a clear sign that I'm not indifferent and am still bothered by the whole thing.

 

I just want to do anything whatever it is I can to feel that I am regaining control of myself and send the signal that I am moving on and don't need her in my life. Any thoughts very much appreciated.

[Mariposa10]

If I were you, I wouldn't block her. In my opinion, it shows you still care. Want to send the signal you've moved on? Start moving on. I still have my ex as a friend on Facebook, but he never uses it, so I guess for me it's easy not to do anything. The only way to have some power again is by moving on...

 

Good luck!

[lylat333]

Thanks Mariposa, I really appreciate it. I think I'll stay friends with her and probably won't ever check her FB for a really long time... I'm entering "true" NC. If I visited her page and scrolled through 1, 2, 3 weeks or months of stuff I think it would be a huge setback emotionally. I'm getting really tired of thinking about her in general because I haven't gotten squat in... 42 days now. I know I think about her less and less even though it doesn't really feel like it, but I can tell that I'm breathing easier. Before it was truly non-stop rumination, really hard on a person.

[Mariposa10]

Thanks Mariposa, I really appreciate it. I think I'll stay friends with her and probably won't ever check her FB for a really long time... I'm entering "true" NC. If I visited her page and scrolled through 1, 2, 3 weeks or months of stuff I think it would be a huge setback emotionally. I'm getting really tired of thinking about her in general because I haven't gotten squat in... 42 days now. I know I think about her less and less even though it doesn't really feel like it, but I can tell that I'm breathing easier. Before it was truly non-stop rumination, really hard on a person.

 

 

I know how you feel, I couldn't even eat and had sleeping problems when I recently broke up with my ex. But things do get better. Is there any way that maybe you can use Facebook less? I wish there was a way you could block her without her noticing it...

 

Good luck, go out with your friends, start a new hobby. Try to be in charge of your emotions. Let's not let one person have so much power over us.

[lylat333]

I was the same way. The first few days I could hardly eat, and for the first week ate mostly cereal. I've had several dreams about her, none in the past week or so but a handful of really vivid dreams of us talking and working things out, then I would wake up back to reality.

 

I have been on Facebook a lot less. I don't check it at all from 8-5 p.m. and my desktop is unplugged at home for the time being so every once in a while I bring up Facebook to see if there are any notifications to see, make a quick scroll and that's it. I have hidden her and all of our her friends' stuff so it's unlikely I will ever see activity from her and we live 45 min. away so I don't have to deal with being in any of the same places and I don't talk to anyone close to her.

 

I know one person shouldn't control my emotions, and I've given other people that advice but it can be hard. The one good thing is that I know for sure NC is the best thing for me so I am tempted less and less to break it. Even if it's months down the road and I don't care about her anymore, I will still never consider breaking NC because of how things ended. There's only one choice left for me and that's to move on.

[lylat333]

Well, I just took a big step... I unfriended all of my ex's friends I will most likely never see again, and blocked my ex. My heart rate skyrocketed as I carried it out, I didn't think I had it in me to do it.

 

I have been thinking about this for the past week or 2... I didn't want to because I was afraid it would hurt our chances of reconciliation. I didn't want to seem bothered by anything she does. I even thought if she does meet another guy, I would have been happy to be a thorn in his side by remaining friends with her.

 

But... I can't do it anymore. I need this for me. I've been avoiding Facebook not just because I didn't want to be tempted to look at my ex's stuff, but I started to associate a lot of negative feelings with it. I have started to analyze anything I want to post or say because of how my ex or her friends will see it. Whether I want to admit it or not, I've been a complete prisoner.

 

I don't think she would have ever blocked me because she likes having me in her life even if it's a tiny little connection. But I would have been SO ridiculously upset and crushed if she ever did unfriend/block me, I would have felt like the biggest chump in the world and would have always regretted not beating her to the punch. She shut me out of her life, she broke my heart.... forget it. She doesn't get the luxury of having me as a friend and I have a right to be hurt about it and reject her.

 

I'm starting to care less about reconciliation, even though that's all I wanted with every fiber of my being after I last talked to her. I'm starting to care more about me, living my life and making the best of the days I have left.

 

Bottom line is if you love someone I don't think unfriending/blocking people on FB is enough to stop anything. The kicker is I found this on an online article titled, "The #1 Person You Need to Unfriend on Facebook":

 

Researchers asked 464 people to answer questions about a past distressing breakup, including how much time had passed since the split, which partner initiated it, and how much contact they’ve had with their ex since calling it quits.

 

After crunching the data, researchers found that remaining friends on Facebook actually resulted in less desire, attraction, and longing for the ex.

 

That's all I needed to hear. I'm not being a sucker anymore... I'm done waiting around and hoping to get a scrap of attention. I'm moving on, for real.

[BC1980]

Good for you! Social media can be a curse. I'm lucky my ex never had a Facebook.

[lylat333]

(rant incoming)

 

BC1980, I agree you are lucky. For me and a lot of people I'm friends with, Facebook is the way you connect. To others that might sound like nonsense.. they see Facebook as something you just log into every once in a blue moon, you run into some random photos and funny pictures but don't spend a lot of time on it. For others circles, "stalking" is the norm and it's certainly not unheard of for status/picture uploads to be calculated.

 

I'm starting to level out again, but I'm so happy with the decision I made. I got onto Facebook again for a little while and it felt like I could breathe finally. I can post whatever I want and not give a thought to how it will affect my relationship life.

 

Most importantly, my ex no longer has any power over me whatsoever. She can't hurt me anymore. She can't do anything to show how well she's doing and think I care, because I won't see them. It doesn't hurt me if she lives a good life, it doesn't hurt me if she lives a bad life. As for me, I put up nothing but positive things since I last heard from her. I am exactly who I said I was going to be.. she knows I'm getting in even better shape, staying active, and improving my house. But no longer do I feel any pressure to continue to validate myself. She knows I have good things headed my way and I don't feel the need to put it out there for her to see.

 

A nice plus is there was no real catalyst she can see for me doing it. It's not like I'm doing it right after I tried to contact her or after she went out for a night on the town. As far as she knows, I just woke up one day, and bam... goodbye - don't wish to be associated with you anymore. If she wishes she can see how it feels to try and solve a mystery for which she can't know the answer.

 

Though I don't know how she feels, I have little concern about her seeing me as weak for doing this. I think it's much more likely to put confusion in her heart, cause her to second-guess the ramifications for how she has treated me, and not give her the comfort that I am sticking around as a ghost of a friend.

 

I don't feel weak, I feel empowered. Her power trip ended this morning. This is the first time in a (very long) month and a half I feel I am finally living for myself.

 

I'm with the notion that trying to remain friends with an ex you wish to reoncile with - when you got the short end of the stick - is a losing proposition. Simply put, it's positive reinforcement for bad behavior! I probably should have done this sooner. I never wanted to be one of the dime a dozen guys who tries to keep the door ajar with old flames and randomly contacts every once in a while to sniff around and see what they can get. (spoiler: nothing but a loss of dignity) She already has multiple guys like that in her life. **** that... never been and never will be me.

 

I am really thankful to LS for all of the support in this tough time. I've cried so many tears, had so many bad dreams and minor to major breakdowns, but by god I'm going to come out of it, someway somehow. And I can't wait until the day I can have a success story to share. (it's a work in progress!)

Edited September 9, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

I only think about the days when I come to post here...

48 days since I've heard from my ex

38 days since I wrote a letter

28 days since I commented on the FB upload

3 days since I blocked her on FB

 

Sunday I'll hit a full month since she's heard from me, I will consider that an accomplishment. As far as she's concerned that's how long I've been in NC, though the "true" NC and healing started only a few days ago. (seems longer than that)

 

Both happiness and frustration bring me here. I'm happy that I'm still standing and am remaining pretty productive. Today is the day my new carpet is being put in, right now in fact! I think that will feel like a "reset" for my life. Maybe.

 

I'm happy that I sometimes go 5-10 min. without thinking of her. Usually the mornings are the worst, but this morning I was stunned that the first 2-3 minutes I was awake I was only thinking about last-minute things I had to do to get ready for the carpet installers... then I realized I didn't think about my ex the moment I woke up like I normally do.

 

I also sent out only the 2nd message so far on my online dating account. Found a really cool profile but she lives 2 hours away in a much bigger city so I don't expect to hear back but it could happen. I didn't have that rare first sight reaction of, "omg must have" but she was dang cute imo, very intelligent and looked like she had a real good head on her shoulders.

 

There is frustration, though. I can't help but miss how things used to be, god I shouldn't even be thinking like that. I go from almost downright hating her to thinking she is worth salvaging even if it starts to look pretty rough. But the kicker is I really can't picture her contacting me, ever. The only way I could see it happening is if her life completely nosedives because of bad decisions and she feels overwhelming guilt over ending it with me. Doesn't make me feel too positive. Who knows if she even realizes I blocked her yet... that's 50/50. Good riddance to her and her friends' FB presence. I will admit that there is a little part of me that hopes she is hurt and misses me when she finds out I blocked her, I suppose it's only human nature.

 

I saw a post from thora-tiki in another thread saying you can contact when you feel ready, when you are indifferent and don't care. I really like her posts, I can only hope there is truth in them but as far as me feeling indifferent towards her, I don't ever see that happening and if it did, why would the dumpee want to contact the ex? Still would feel like I am coming crawling back and as the dumpee I have too much pride for that.

 

I'm thinking of telling my friends not to ever bring up my ex. Some of them are still friends with her and I don't want them to inadvertently ask me about something going on in her life when I don't wish to know at all.

 

Sometimes, I feel so optimistic. I saw that girl's profile online yesterday and it's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... something can and will happen! But after the high wears off - I'll return to normalcy. I really, really hope my ex experiences that and misses me... I have gone through that as a dumper where it seems like you're seeing green grass everywhere you look but reality does set in and there has to be times she will miss me because I believe we had so many special times. It makes me sick to think she could forget all that and push it aside for good. More venting, I know, but it feels nice to talk about it.

[LinkWorshiper]

I like reading your posts Lylat. They make me feel a little better about my own situation because I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. I've tried moving on to look at other people, but it's just not the same, and I know I'd be halfhearted if I tried, and it wouldn't be fair to anybody. It also makes me feel better that you also struggle with not thinking about your ex frequently and that you have a hard time seeing something that would be permanently better. That is exactly my problem. There are other people I like, but I don't cozy up to people easily, and there was something about the way my ex and I interact that makes me feel far more comfortable and safe than I do around most... even in these recent times.

 

Like we were talking about in another thread, I can only hope that the space does more than just us good. I know that everyone says that NC isn't a tool to make the other person miss you, but it seems to me in our case, that NC is going to be the thing, for better or worse, that gives us any kind of progress, whether it's to move on or for the ex to realize what they've lost. Of course, you're much further along in your NC than I am in mine... and the last time I did it, my ex went to incredible lengths to reach out to me. I guess I just wish there was a better way to tell if your decision is the right one for the best results... because sometimes it seems like no matter what I do, I end up feeling depressed about it.

[lylat333]

Thank you, LW, I'm glad you enjoy reading. I'm a little reluctant to post here because of bumping a thread where I am mostly talking to myself, but I sharing my personal experience losing someone I love and trying to implement NC.

 

When I first came to LS, I was devastated. Especially the week leading up to my first post here. I felt people didn't understand my pain, I couldn't imagine life without my ex, I came here hoping to get my second chance and get her back, make her miss me, do whatever I had to do. I had never in my life heard of the concept of, "No Contact" and after finding out about it I spent hours upon hours reading about it. I got very optimistic it would bring my ex back... how could she not? Of course I saw the posts how NC is really about you healing, but I didn't care so much about that... I did it because I thought it gave me the best chance of reconciliation.

 

I wait for the day I can share a success story and know there really is hope. This is my journey through a breakup that seemed abrupt to me and what things are like between 2 prideful, sometimes stubborn and spiteful people. If NC can provide me a road to eventual happiness, then it really is a powerful thing.

 

There have only been a couple of women I've seen since breaking up I felt any real attraction to whatsoever, and these are women I really know nothing about. Right now I would have to meet an out of this world dream woman in order for me to give it that full-hearted attempt. So yeah, basically I don't really concern myself with dating right now. My ex knows I reactivated my online dating account, but she should know I am very picky and as I knew going into it, it would probably be several months before anything serious were to ever come of it. I don't cozy up to people easily either. I get along well with everyone but when it comes to getting serious I have very high standards.

 

My ex on the other hand... can't say I trust her too much. She told me as things started falling apart she didn't plan on seeing a guy anytime soon, and I actually would always tell her I couldn't see her staying single for very long. To be frank, considering her past she's not the most selective person and thanks to the bad influences around her gets sucked into guys she's not even that into. I can confidently I was an exception to that, we took it pretty slow and she made it clear that the feelings she had for me and things she did for me were not normal for her, we were both the most serious bf/gf the other had ever had.

 

In my case NC is the only option, that's so clear to me now. Ever since I blocked her on FB it has made me feel that much less emotionally burdened... the days following our breakup I was literally checking her FB every 10-15 min. just waiting to see any new tidbit of ANYTHING. It was so unhealthy! My counselor is the one who helped get me off of FB during the day, that was the start. She wanted me to deactivate entirely but I didn't want to do that... I never really considered blocking her until these past 2-3 weeks and even then never really wanted to do it until I came across some enlightening information online.

 

I'm flattered you would say I am so far along in NC... I still feel I'm near the start. I'm at least able to function but as far as getting over this breakup? Far from it. Who knows where I will be another month or 2 from now. Probably much better, hopefully in better shape and all that, but I will most likely still be single. As long as I'm single, I will very likely still continue to miss her and see the breakup as a big mistake that shouldn't have happened. But it will also give me a better idea of where she is. If she hasn't contacted me yet (I don't expect her to) I will start to feel that if she was going to contact me she would have done it by now. The high of being a recent dumper will have worn off.

 

Don't feel depressed about being in NC. Always remember - if you don't get the result you were hoping for by implementing NC, it definitely doesn't mean you would have gotten it otherwise. I won't second-guess NC and wonder if I could have gotten her back by pleading again or being available because I know it's a dead-end that will only destroy me. You cannot make your ex or anyone else do or believe any particular thing. First and foremost you are in control of yourself and by making yourself a healthy, desirable partner you are deserving of someone who gives back what you offer.

[LinkWorshiper]

Thank you, LW, I'm glad you enjoy reading. I'm a little reluctant to post here because of bumping a thread where I am mostly talking to myself, but I sharing my personal experience losing someone I love and trying to implement NC.

 

I know what you mean, but I think it's good to share things like that online even if you don't think anybody is going to think much of it. I can tell you from my days of being internet famous in a fandom, you would be surprised how many people look at things you post, love it and don't say a word. So keep doing what you do! These days I keep a "secret" Tumblr that very few people read for that same reason. I used to post much more personal things on there because I thought no one was looking. Then I found out my ex has been reading it because he let it slip that's how he found out about the things I'd been doing during our first NC. I was curious to see how much he looked at it, so I put an IP tracker on the thing. The fool checks multiple times a day, even from work sometimes. It's funny because I visit his Facebook page about once every two or three weeks, mostly just to see if this girl he's 'seeing' has cropped up any more in his public life. (The answer, by the way, is no. There aren't even photos of them together, much less a relationship status, and they've been 'seeing each other' for over three months. Curious.)

 

Anyway, that's a tangent. My point is that he has no idea I know just how much he looks at it because he never says anything, and I haven't told him there's an IP tracker on it. Since I found out he looks, I do choose what I share on there much more carefully, and I don't really post personal laments so much anymore, and just let the things I choose to share do the talking for me. I think it's interesting, though, that someone who is so over it still seems to be so fixated on what I'm doing with myself, or even what I'm interested in these days.

 

When I first came to LS, I was devastated. Especially the week leading up to my first post here. I felt people didn't understand my pain, I couldn't imagine life without my ex, I came here hoping to get my second chance and get her back, make her miss me, do whatever I had to do. I had never in my life heard of the concept of, "No Contact" and after finding out about it I spent hours upon hours reading about it. I got very optimistic it would bring my ex back... how could she not? Of course I saw the posts how NC is really about you healing, but I didn't care so much about that... I did it because I thought it gave me the best chance of reconciliation.

 

I know what you mean. I have very mixed feelings about this site, but I still keep finding myself posting here time and time again. Maybe it's a personal thing, enjoying the comfort of online people who are sharing the same story, I'm not sure. There are times I think the people on this site can be a little negative and quick to throw out bumper sticker advice, but at the same time, I do also think that it is nice that there is a place where you can get some perspective on your situation you might not otherwise have because you're so married to it.

 

As for NC, I know it's about healing, but every time I've entered it, I feel miserable. I feel miserable right now and it's not even really been any NC since so far his communication patterns haven't yet been seen as different. I get sad thinking that I said mean things to him when he was just trying to express concern over my wellbeing, or that I messed everything up by shutting him down when he asked if we could talk it out in person. And CONTINUING to shut him down when he continued to message me the same stuff. In the end, I always feel like I'm punishing myself when I do stuff like this. And even though I have a feeling in my gut that says it'll be a slap in the face that I just yanked the security blanket off him and it will make him think about it, I still feel like a huge jerk for not trying to meet him halfway. Which is probably my biggest issue with the NC/LC situation.

 

...yet at the same time, if he messaged me right now, I would probably take a really long time to reply.

 

I wait for the day I can share a success story and know there really is hope. This is my journey through a breakup that seemed abrupt to me and what things are like between 2 prideful, sometimes stubborn and spiteful people. If NC can provide me a road to eventual happiness, then it really is a powerful thing.

 

Hear hear. I think the one thing that this site does not foster well is the notion of hope. I think hope is very important, and as long as you have it, anything is possible. I understand that many posters were want to expedite those who are suffering to a happier, healthier state of mind, and that's good, but I don't think that has to go hand-in-hand with giving up the notion that things can work out. Which is I guess the place I'm starting to head towards. I agree with you, though, that this whole thing is a journey, and sometimes there's an easy way out (i.e. cut communication and find someone else), and there is maybe the more difficult route of hoping that things can work out with someone because you really know that they're the ones who are meant for you. I am always consoled hearing things like... just last night, my mom was telling me that while she was dating my dad, she realized there was another girl involved, and she decided she didn't want anything to do with it. So she cut my dad off for a long time, and before you knew it, guess who was trying to call her up or run into her in public places. I'll let you guess, haha. But I mean... it goes to show how sometimes taking a step back will launch you ten steps forward.

 

There have only been a couple of women I've seen since breaking up I felt any real attraction to whatsoever, and these are women I really know nothing about. Right now I would have to meet an out of this world dream woman in order for me to give it that full-hearted attempt. So yeah, basically I don't really concern myself with dating right now. My ex knows I reactivated my online dating account, but she should know I am very picky and as I knew going into it, it would probably be several months before anything serious were to ever come of it. I don't cozy up to people easily either. I get along well with everyone but when it comes to getting serious I have very high standards.

 

I hate online dating as a rule, but yeah.... Sometimes I think my ex also knows that I'm not one to just hop into relationships, even though I get hit on a lot. So he doesn't have to worry per se that I'm going to just find some new dude overnight. Whereas with him, this girl he's "seeing" seems to be a coworker and nothing too serious, as I mentioned above with the status on FB. None of our mutual friends seem to know too much about it either. My ex says he's not interested in anything serious right now, which partially makes me think that's why he's hesitant to get back with me, because he knows I want a relationship for keeps. That doesn't make it any better though.

 

That last line of yours, though... getting along well with everyone, but you have high standards on the important ones... EXACTLY. That's what makes all this even more difficult. There's no easy replacement for those who managed to make it into the winner's circle, you know?

 

My ex on the other hand... can't say I trust her too much. She told me as things started falling apart she didn't plan on seeing a guy anytime soon, and I actually would always tell her I couldn't see her staying single for very long. To be frank, considering her past she's not the most selective person and thanks to the bad influences around her gets sucked into guys she's not even that into. I can confidently I was an exception to that, we took it pretty slow and she made it clear that the feelings she had for me and things she did for me were not normal for her, we were both the most serious bf/gf the other had ever had.

 

YUP. I felt like I was the exception to the rule too. Mutual friends said the same thing to me when they compared me to my ex's exes. The only down side is that I know how things fell apart with the girl before me, and though I know she was quite a handful, there were certain behaviors I am sad to see are still being exhibited by my ex with me in this situation. So for as much talking as he does about change, he still has a ways to go. I don't want to be the ******* who tells him this, though, especially because then I give away that I know pretty much his deepest, darkest, dirtiest secret. He should be amazed that it's not enough to scare me away, but I know he's going to be touchy about it. Anyway, same thing though... my ex took a few months, but now he's "seeing someone", but as I mentioned before, I have doubts on just how serious that is, especially considering how much attention he's been pouring onto me. Maybe this is true of your ex too, but sometimes I think my ex likes the idea of falling in love, but when it comes to the serious parts, he freaks out. I think he knows a relationship with me would be serious despite the fact it's clear he is comfortable in being close with me. Perhaps I don't have the right definition of being in love, but emotional closeness is pretty high on my list.

 

In my case NC is the only option, that's so clear to me now. Ever since I blocked her on FB it has made me feel that much less emotionally burdened... the days following our breakup I was literally checking her FB every 10-15 min. just waiting to see any new tidbit of ANYTHING. It was so unhealthy! My counselor is the one who helped get me off of FB during the day, that was the start. She wanted me to deactivate entirely but I didn't want to do that... I never really considered blocking her until these past 2-3 weeks and even then never really wanted to do it until I came across some enlightening information online.

 

I'm glad you think that NC is helping you, and I think blocking is definitely going to help you there. I had blocked my ex for a while too just so I wouldn't get depressed if anything popped up in my feed unexpectedly. When we started talking again a while back, he was pretty butthurt about it, though it still took me a while to unblock. I think a lot of people get the wrong idea that when you block someone, you're trying to keep them from seeing your stuff, when really the opposite is true. My ex and I are still FB friends... when we started talking again after our most recent NC (which was about two months), the second he friended me on FB was when the daily messaging began. And not just 'Hi, how are yous', but like... conversations. Even trying to get me to play Warcraft with him again "like old times". I don't know that I will block my ex again, or what's going on in his head... I kind of feel like there's a gestation period in this situation, especially since NC was tried already and he came running back.

 

I'm flattered you would say I am so far along in NC... I still feel I'm near the start. I'm at least able to function but as far as getting over this breakup? Far from it. Who knows where I will be another month or 2 from now. Probably much better, hopefully in better shape and all that, but I will most likely still be single. As long as I'm single, I will very likely still continue to miss her and see the breakup as a big mistake that shouldn't have happened. But it will also give me a better idea of where she is. If she hasn't contacted me yet (I don't expect her to) I will start to feel that if she was going to contact me she would have done it by now. The high of being a recent dumper will have worn off.

 

Frankly, I feel just as you feel, and I've been up and down the emotional roller coaster. Other people here say I'm perpetuating this myself and keeping myself in this limbo, but I'm not sure that's fair. I keep getting these real glimmers and I want to give my all to it because it's worth that to me, even if it means getting hurt. As for you, I would just keep doing as you do. You might get to a point where it doesn't matter to you anymore if she does or doesn't. And it's hard to say what's going on with her... I mean... you say she's stubborn... it might turn into a battle of wills where one of you is going to have to cave. And that's the thing... like... I think NC is good for healing, even if you do mean to reconcile, but how can you reconcile if no one is brave enough to take the first step? That's just my thought.

 

Don't feel depressed about being in NC. Always remember - if you don't get the result you were hoping for by implementing NC, it definitely doesn't mean you would have gotten it otherwise. I won't second-guess NC and wonder if I could have gotten her back by pleading again or being available because I know it's a dead-end that will only destroy me. You cannot make your ex or anyone else do or believe any particular thing. First and foremost you are in control of yourself and by making yourself a healthy, desirable partner you are deserving of someone who gives back what you offer.

 

You're right. And I think it's important for me to stand up for myself in these situations. If there's one thing I'm figuring out, if he wants to go and make such defined statements, then I will do the same. The difference is that this time, I am not going to make it easy for him. My resolution at least right now is that he's not going to be thinking to himself, 'Oh, she's the easy choice and she'll always be there.' Instead, if he thinks about me, I want him to think of me as someone who is trying to handle a lot, tried her best to be giving, and then decided that enough was enough. If it really means that much to him, I firmly believe he'll do something about it. He did it once a long time ago, so why not now. And especially considering how much work he was putting into keeping me as his close friend in the past few weeks, I'm just... well... we'll see, I guess.

[lylat333]

Thank you so, so much LW for writing so much, a very pleasant surprise. I am about to get off the computer for now and won't be able to type again for a day or two but I will get back to you and want you to know in the meantime how appreciative I am you took so much time to share your thoughts.

 

I will respond to one part while I have a moment:

And it's hard to say what's going on with her... I mean... you say she's stubborn... it might turn into a battle of wills where one of you is going to have to cave. And that's the thing... like... I think NC is good for healing, even if you do mean to reconcile, but how can you reconcile if no one is brave enough to take the first step? That's just my thought.

 

I was the one dragging my feet for months, but the past month or so while we were still in contact I was doing everything to show I was sincere and wanted to truly reconcile. I made it clear I wanted to be with her, for real and I was over the things that had been holding us back. But she completely pulled away. When she stayed over at my house I held onto her all night... and she was starting to basically ignore my messages and texts. The last words I ever heard from her were her telling me not to call or message her and it was clear that me fighting was definitely making it worse.

 

She wanted space. I gave it to her, waited a while... put out an olive branch, she ignores. Wait another 10 days, put out an olive branch, she ignores. I had an open invitation to go out for frozen yogurt or ice cream in the letter I wrote her, (I was trying to get away from the heaviness of talking about "us") no acknowledgement. I've had times I wondered if she was putting me through some elaborate test to see how much I would fight but after the enormous amount of hurt I went through I decided it really was just making it worse, she knew where I stood and she needs to be the one to break this silence for it to go anywhere. I think it would be totally unreasonable for her to think otherwise. This stone cold facade she has had up is totally unlike anything I ever did to her.

 

Furthermore, while I know you have to swallow your pride to break the silence and she may be worried about contacting me when I could have moved on and even be seeing someone else, that concern should be far smaller for her than it would be for me. I feel like she totally broke my heart at the end. I know I had hurt her in similar ways but it was on a much smaller scale and I always tried to stay honest with her and never play games. Have a great weekend, best wishes.

[LinkWorshiper]

Jeebus Mary...

 

LW, you're but going to get anywhere if you don't go NC. You've written a ton of analysis on this and for what? This relationship is pretty much dead, you realize that, right? You're a friend, nothing more. He will not commit anything whilst you talk to him and flatter his ego with your presence.

 

You say it like I'm planning to engage him if he talks to me. I realize that I was letting him have me the same way he had when we were together without commitment, but I also very much value him as a person regardless, so I am not going to totally shut him out, but I WON'T allow him to lead me around like he wants to reconcile without actually making strides to. Maybe it will never be a romance again, but if it is, I don't want what we had before, I want something new. I thought where we had been going was somewhere NEW. He was acting like a changed person and treating me differently than before. And just because I am deciding to give him the cold shoulder now doesn't mean that I feel any differently, because I don't. That doesn't mean I'm not angry, though.

[LinkWorshiper]

Thank you so, so much LW for writing so much, a very pleasant surprise. I am about to get off the computer for now and won't be able to type again for a day or two but I will get back to you and want you to know in the meantime how appreciative I am you took so much time to share your thoughts.

 

I will respond to one part while I have a moment:

 

 

I was the one dragging my feet for months, but the past month or so while we were still in contact I was doing everything to show I was sincere and wanted to truly reconcile. I made it clear I wanted to be with her, for real and I was over the things that had been holding us back. But she completely pulled away. When she stayed over at my house I held onto her all night... and she was starting to basically ignore my messages and texts. The last words I ever heard from her were her telling me not to call or message her and it was clear that me fighting was definitely making it worse.

 

She wanted space. I gave it to her, waited a while... put out an olive branch, she ignores. Wait another 10 days, put out an olive branch, she ignores. I had an open invitation to go out for frozen yogurt or ice cream in the letter I wrote her, (I was trying to get away from the heaviness of talking about "us") no acknowledgement. I've had times I wondered if she was putting me through some elaborate test to see how much I would fight but after the enormous amount of hurt I went through I decided it really was just making it worse, she knew where I stood and she needs to be the one to break this silence for it to go anywhere. I think it would be totally unreasonable for her to think otherwise. This stone cold facade she has had up is totally unlike anything I ever did to her.

 

Furthermore, while I know you have to swallow your pride to break the silence and she may be worried about contacting me when I could have moved on and even be seeing someone else, that concern should be far smaller for her than it would be for me. I feel like she totally broke my heart at the end. I know I had hurt her in similar ways but it was on a much smaller scale and I always tried to stay honest with her and never play games. Have a great weekend, best wishes.

 

Ah, I see. I mean, on the bright side, that's kind of a clear answer? It does seem like she was not handling things the best way in the end there. At least you can walk away knowing that you did your best and you were honest. I think those are really important things. It's hard for me to understand why people try so hard to hurt one another, really. I wish there was a way to know what she was thinking

 

The frustration I had in my situation is that every time I tried to draw clear lines, he would run right over them to pull me back, and this last time he did, he was over the top with reaching out to me and making me feel like he really wanted me in his life. He did not treat me like just a friend, I can tell you that; we have enough mutual friends where I can compare his behavior. In my case, I am hoping that changing my tactics of rolling over to be forgiving whenever he does something I don't like and replacing it with not rewarding it at all will be a game changer. And even if doesn't mean romance again, I want him to be clear that the way he treats me shouldn't just be based on what makes him feel good, and if treating me the way he was DID really please him, then maybe he should reevaluate what kind of relationship he wants with me. That's just where I'm looking at it right now. Maybe it's not NC per se, but it's a different mindset for sure.

[todreaminblue]

 

I resisted calling her because my biggest fear is that she won't respond at all, and then I would be a wreck and I am also trying to respect her wishes for me not to contact her. I feel we both said things we may not have meant and that the letter won't be totally unwelcome. Based on what I have read, 10 days of NC isn't much but for us I think it's a lot. I miss her terribly, and even though I stay active I can't think of anyone replacing her right now.

 

 

I faced my fear yesterday,i opened up let know someone know i cared i just wished him happy birthday,like i would any friend in my own goofy way.....i was down when i did... in a vulnerable place and when he didnt reply, i sent him another message to let him know i wasnt well, and i hoped i hadnt done anything wrong and he coudl tell me to rack off if i was bothering him.... he basically did just that, with a cruelness that left me thinking did he write that...that cant be him..........and my worse fear came true.Felt like a really bad dream, he said some really cruel things ...i suggest if you feel vulnerable and insecure about a reaction you cannot predict or know...... ....just dont do it......go with instinct not what your heart prompts you to do...if you want peace

 

 

keep no contact, if you have feelings more than friend for her, hurting yourself by trying to be just a friend ....doesnt help you..those emotions cant be there to have a friendship....best wishes...deb

[lylat333]

I faced my fear yesterday,i opened up let know someone know i cared i just wished him happy birthday,like i would any friend in my own goofy way.....i was down when i did... in a vulnerable place and when he didnt reply, i sent him another message to let him know i wasnt well, and i hoped i hadnt done anything wrong and he coudl tell me to rack off if i was bothering him.... he basically did just that, with a cruelness that left me thinking did he write that...that cant be him..........and my worse fear came true.Felt like a really bad dream, he said some really cruel things ...i suggest if you feel vulnerable and insecure about a reaction you cannot predict or know...... ....just dont do it......go with instinct not what your heart prompts you to do...if you want peace

 

 

keep no contact, if you have feelings more than friend for her, hurting yourself by trying to be just a friend ....doesnt help you..those emotions cant be there to have a friendship....best wishes...deb

 

I'm so sorry to hear what happened... that's awful that you had to endure your worst fear.

 

The thought of breaking NC is scary. I had moments tonight actually I wanted to call my ex. I'm tired of feeling confused... part of me wishes it's still just a big huge misunderstanding. I tell myself I will be able to accept if she's moved on or is even seeing someone, but at least I will know where things are. Then I worry... what if my worst fear comes true - she uses my vulnerability to completely humiliate and embarrass me?

 

It's so hard I can't even tell you, but I have to constantly reaffirm to myself why I am in NC and why I shouldn't break it. I have notes typed up on my iPod which I carry with me all the time with self-affirmations and reminders regarding all this.

 

LW, I agree hope is not what this site is about, as far as hope for successful reconciliation is concerned. For better or for worse. I just finished reading, "Getting Past Your Breakup" right before I came to post here. The author is a strong advocate of NC. In fact, the first paragraph on the back of the book is: (bolding by me)

"It's over - and it really hurts. But as unbelievable as it may seem when you are in the throes of heartache, you can move past your breakup. Forget about trying to win your ex back. Forget about losing yourself and trying to make this person love you. Forget it! Starting today, this breakup is the best time to change your life for the better, inside and out."

 

To top it off, towards the very end of the book she recounts various letters she has received and her responses to them. One of the sections is about when the ex breaks NC. At the end she says this:

Remember, if your ex breaks contact, do not respond. I repeat, do not respond, at all.

 

No qualifiers... and I don't know if I totally agree.

 

Ah, I see. I mean, on the bright side, that's kind of a clear answer? It does seem like she was not handling things the best way in the end there. At least you can walk away knowing that you did your best and you were honest. I think those are really important things. It's hard for me to understand why people try so hard to hurt one another, really. I wish there was a way to know what she was thinking

 

This is my whole struggle in a nutshell right here. I feel like I should be able to feel confident I did my best and not feel any obligation to break the silence. But... I honestly have no clue what she's thinking or how she views the situation. Did I still not do enough? Did I need continue to affirm how much I loved her for her to see things differently? Will she misinterpret the 180 I've done as a sign of not caring? I ask myself these questions constantly.

 

Tonight felt like a big setback. I finally got my new carpet in, which I was so excited about and it is really nice, but I have to say it didn't make me as happy as I thought it would. I took off work today to work on getting the house in order and I felt more lonely than ever, not empowered by this big improvement I just made. So then I decided to go on a long hike in one of my favorite places. I got there, I cried within 5 min. as I started walking down the trail. All of the things that have been hurting me and I struggled with were starting to return... all of the regret and confusion, it was awful. That's when I start to think that breaking NC will get me out of this rut and I can at least find out what's going on. Then I have to go back over my reasoning for why I'm doing what I'm doing.

 

My emotions were all over the place. I'm remembering times we shared I haven't even thought of for months... and I think, "oh yeah, as soon as she remembers all this too she will miss me. She can only miss me more and more from here on out." Then I have moments where I feel convinced she doesn't miss me, probably continues to make me out as the bad guy and has no desire to contact me whatsoever. On the way home I saw a couple on a motorcycle, a girl wrapping herself around the guy driving, and later I got passed by a sports car and I had this crazy trigger of negative emotions... like, I can picture her seeing these things and getting excited by them and she's done with being with boring old me and a lot of the peaceful evenings we had here at my house. She wants to go out and party and have fun and be with a guy who is nothing like me.

 

I got home and I almost broke down again, I wanted to break things. I got back to reading my book which used to feel like medicine but tonight it felt more like poison... a bunch of writing that can't promise anything, for all I know I am going to end up never finding someone to make me happy no matter what I do.

 

Obviously I'm suffering from a defeatist mentality and regressing. I'm going to bed soon, my plan is soon after I wake up I'm heading back out to another place to finish hiking a bunch of trails there I haven't done yet, ~9-10 miles worth. Maybe I will feel at least a little better after that. Honestly, I'm dying for my ex to contact me, this confusion is driving me insane. I keep hoping that I just have to hit some magic number... 6 weeks after I wrote my letter, or 2 months since I've heard from her or 2-3 months of strict NC and then she'll break down, but it feels like it's never going to happen. And it's so, so hard to meet someone here and I'm just so frustrated, I miss the good times I had with my ex more than anything.

[lylat333]

Last night was bad. I was in bed by 9:30 I think... had bad dreams all night. My ex was in all of it. I kept trying to talk to her and talk to her and could never find her. Then towards the end we were in bed together, and out of the blue we started embracing and even kissed. I remember getting out of bed in the dream and was so out of it I was stumbling around, couldn't hardly see anything... and eventually I woke up. I had already slept for close to 10 hours, but I soon fell back asleep and was right back in the dream. Though I got to see her, it wasn't satisfying at all. There was some other guy in the picture but I don't know who he was. I finally just managed to get out of bed this morning, my original plan was to be out of the house by 7 or 8.

 

Guess I'll get ready now and try to get out and get some fresh air for a long time... I don't know why I've felt so set back lately. I guess I really hoped she would have contacted me by now, I couldn't imagine it going this long like this. I don't understand it. I know I can't go back in time even though I would give anything to go back 3 months. Feeling really down right now, this morning I wondered if I am/becoming clinically depressed. There isn't much joy in my life but I would probably never take antidepressants because I'm so skeptical of them.

[lylat333]

OK, asking for honest input here... tell me what you think of this and why.

 

I almost broke NC this morning. I decided to write out a text to my ex even though I didn't plan on sending it, but if I really liked it I might send it. Sitting down and even thinking about contacting... I see just how hard it is and despite the circumstances I imagine it would be incredibly hard for her to do so... if she has thought about contacting me I can see why she hasn't gone through with it especially considering her personality.

 

Here's what I typed out:

 

"Hi xxxxx. I've been thinking about you a lot, I hope everything is ok. If you ever want to talk, no matter what it is I'm here."

 

Thoughts? I'm worried that something has to give for there to be any chance of reconciliation. I know I made the invitation to go out for ice cream sometime but that was a month and a half ago when things were really emotional. I feel enough time has passed we are starting to see where we stand, especially considering we live 45 min. away from each other, have never seen each other and stay completely out of each other's lives because we don't interact with each other's close mutual friends. Does this end up coming off as weak or do I project sincerity which is how I see it? I feel if I send this at least I can KNOW she will contact me if she wishes to at all... right now I feel so confused.

 

It's killing me not knowing where things are, and I genuinely care for her. I know it's not really my responsibility now that we're broken up... but deep down I still care about her.

 

****, this sucks... I need to just leave the house now. I just felt the weather was so nice this morning for a change, if I sent it now I would catch her at a sober, relaxed time... I don't want to send it on a late Friday or Saturday night. I am seeing just how heartbroken I still am and experiencing the loss all over again. If we could work it out I really wish it would be before she gets too mixed up in the wrong guy, but I have no idea what she's been up to. I'm physically ill over it all again. Any input, words of encouragement, wisdom, anything would be much appreciated. No false hope... I just need help understanding why things are the way they are.

Edited September 14, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

OK, asking for honest input here... tell me what you think of this and why.

 

I almost broke NC this morning. I decided to write out a text to my ex even though I didn't plan on sending it, but if I really liked it I might send it. Sitting down and even thinking about contacting... I see just how hard it is and despite the circumstances I imagine it would be incredibly hard for her to do so... if she has thought about contacting me I can see why she hasn't gone through with it especially considering her personality.

 

Here's what I typed out:

 

"Hi xxxxx. I've been thinking about you a lot, I hope everything is ok. If you ever want to talk, no matter what it is I'm here."

 

Thoughts? I'm worried that something has to give for there to be any chance of reconciliation. I know I made the invitation to go out for ice cream sometime but that was a month and a half ago when things were really emotional. I feel enough time has passed we are starting to see where we stand, especially considering we live 45 min. away from each other, have never seen each other and stay completely out of each other's lives because we don't interact with each other's close mutual friends. Does this end up coming off as weak or do I project sincerity which is how I see it? I feel if I send this at least I can KNOW she will contact me if she wishes to at all... right now I feel so confused.

 

It's killing me not knowing where things are, and I genuinely care for her. I know it's not really my responsibility now that we're broken up... but deep down I still care about her.

 

****, this sucks... I need to just leave the house now. I just felt the weather was so nice this morning for a change, if I sent it now I would catch her at a sober, relaxed time... I don't want to send it on a late Friday or Saturday night. I am seeing just how heartbroken I still am and experiencing the loss all over again. If we could work it out I really wish it would be before she gets too mixed up in the wrong guy, but I have no idea what she's been up to. I'm physically ill over it all again. Any input, words of encouragement, wisdom, anything would be much appreciated. No false hope... I just need help understanding why things are the way they are.

 

Be strong, I don't think breaking NC is a good idea... We need to stop looking for excuses such as "knowing how she is she won't reach out to me" I do the same, yesterday I was thinking the same about my ex, "knowing him, he has so much patience, I don't think he'll contact me again until he's dying to see me" My point is let's stop imagining things making up excuses, so we have an excuse of contacting them. I wanted to text my ex yesterday, I missed him. But he already knows how I feel, it's all up to him, I don't need to look any more pathetic... They already know how we feel about them, if they are interested they'll let us know.

 

I hope you're having a good day.

[lylat333]

Thank you so much, Mariposa, your support means the world to me on this difficult day.

 

I just got back to the house about an hour ago, and I guess I am proud (?) to say I didn't break NC. I had the text typed out... looked at it as I was hiking, edited it, really seriously considered sending it but talked myself out of it. I felt like **** almost the entire time I was hiking, but after I hit 6-7 miles in I finally started to wear down and not feel completely terrible. I hoped to strike up a conversation with a girl if the opportunity presented itself but that never happened. Instead I had to see several couples out walking and holding hands. We used to always hold hands when we walked, that was one of her favorite things...

 

Here's how I see the situation after MUCH thought:

 

The most important thing concerning her and I is for her to miss me. Until that happens, nothing will happen. What does me breaking NC accomplish towards fulfilling that goal? Nothing. I know enough to know that... contacting her is the worst thing I can do in regards to her missing me. One of my personal notes to myself is that IF she were to actually respond positively to me breaking NC, it would only be if she truly missed me in which case I am pretty certain it would only be a matter of time until she ended up contacting me anyway.

 

Another huge thing that keeps me from breaking NC is that it's what pretty much any other guy would do in my situation. I know for a fact that at least 2 of her exes have continued to contact her and she's gotten random texts from dudes sniffing around... how does this work out for them? The truth is it's a form of neediness, and it kills attraction. Sure, if you get real lucky you may catch them on an off day, but the truth is they're getting the vibe that you can't live life without them which is ultimately unattractive, even to people who are prone to codependency.

 

It absolutely and completely sucks, but chances are she still doesn't, and may never miss me. Chances are, yes, she's been flirting with other guys based on where she was towards the end, has very likely gotten physical on some level with someone, and they've probably stayed over at the house she recently bought in her bed. She will probably end up having sex with at least one guy before she ever contacts me. I have sometimes thought, "If she gets in a relationship soon, surely it's a rebound." Nope, can't think like that. She could end up marrying him, whoever she is. She could end up getting pregnant. There are no guarantees and I have no control in the matter.

 

It sucks, it sucks, but I have to remind myself that I do not have the power to stop her from doing anything right now. All it does is ultimately shoot me in the foot. My theory I have had and expressed on this board before is that there is a timer in the dumper that has to run its course before they ever consider reconciling (if ever). Every time the dumpee breaks NC, that timer is set back. That is the last thing I want to do even though I've been dying to talk to her sometimes.

 

I didn't think I would ever feel this set back, I thought my desire to contact her would generally continue to trend downward with only minor spikes. Last night/this morning was a big spike but I made it through. I've been beating myself up over every little thing and like Mariposa said, finding excuses for why I might need to be the one to break NC. I have to have... faith... (I don't like that word) in NC.

 

It's only been 5 days since I blocked her on Facebook. Chances are she's noticed by now... wouldn't it look pretty pathetic if I couldn't go a week without talking to her after doing such a thing? I tell myself that her and I are on 2 completely different wavelengths right now. Days that feel like forever to me are probably passing by much faster for her. It could take at least a week or 2 before it sinks in and she starts to ever contemplate it.

 

I still care for her deeply, but I have to say it's wonderful not worrying about her anymore. I assume she's been going out here and there, probably out right now but after blocking her on FB it helps SO much. I don't have to ever worry about seeing a picture of her out again, I took a lot of control in regards to what I subject myself to. One lesson that I took from reading, "Getting Past Your Breakup" is when she says, "If it hurts, don't do it." There's so much truth to that... love shouldn't hurt. If it hurts, don't do it - don't put yourself through it.

 

If I would have broken NC and she ignored me or dug the knife in deeper, I would be in the same boat as todreaminblue. It wouldn't be worth it. Sometimes dumpees are willing to sacrifice their dignity for a shot at reconciliation but I'm not going there. The old me would have, but no more. She has no excuse for not knowing where I have been standing. I'm doing nothing wrong, I'm being a good person and living a healthy life. Here's to hoping for better days.

Edited September 15, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

Wow, it's crazy we both felt pretty bad yesterday and today. I was dying to text my ex yesterday but I didn't do it. Anyway, the good thing is that you got to go out and do stuff. I couldn't do that, but I already made plans for tomorrow, I'm forcing myself to go out and at least have lunch with a friend.

 

Like you I sometimes start thinking about my ex with the other girl he's interested in and how they have so many things in common and it's too painful. It used to be really painful that I would cry, but now things are getting better. I do believe things do get better. I'm sure we'll still keep having our bad days, but like you said we don't have any control over those things. There's nothing we can do about it, actually we can, we can worsen things by being pathetic (I've been too pathetic already, I can't afford to be more pathetic). Also, we don't even know what's going on with them, we're imagining the worst but we don't really know. So it's better to try not to think about it. Btw, whenever I feel like texting my ex, I put my phone away, I like of hide it, and start doing things.... It helps.

[BC1980]

Thank you so much, Mariposa, your support means the world to me on this difficult day.

 

I just got back to the house about an hour ago, and I guess I am proud (?) to say I didn't break NC. I had the text typed out... looked at it as I was hiking, edited it, really seriously considered sending it but talked myself out of it. I felt like **** almost the entire time I was hiking, but after I hit 6-7 miles in I finally started to wear down and not feel completely terrible. I hoped to strike up a conversation with a girl if the opportunity presented itself but that never happened. Instead I had to see several couples out walking and holding hands. We used to always hold hands when we walked, that was one of her favorite things...

 

Here's how I see the situation after MUCH thought:

 

The most important thing concerning her and I is for her to miss me. Until that happens, nothing will happen. What does me breaking NC accomplish towards fulfilling that goal? Nothing. I know enough to know that... contacting her is the worst thing I can do in regards to her missing me. One of my personal notes to myself is that IF she were to actually respond positively to me breaking NC, it would only be if she truly missed me in which case I am pretty certain it would only be a matter of time until she ended up contacting me anyway.

 

Another huge thing that keeps me from breaking NC is that it's what pretty much any other guy would do in my situation. I know for a fact that at least 2 of her exes have continued to contact her and she's gotten random texts from dudes sniffing around... how does this work out for them? The truth is it's a form of neediness, and it kills attraction. Sure, if you get real lucky you may catch them on an off day, but the truth is they're getting the vibe that you can't live life without them which is ultimately unattractive, even to people who are prone to codependency.

 

It absolutely and completely sucks, but chances are she still doesn't, and may never miss me. Chances are, yes, she's been flirting with other guys based on where she was towards the end, has very likely gotten physical on some level with someone, and they've probably stayed over at the house she recently bought in her bed. She will probably end up having sex with at least one guy before she ever contacts me. I have sometimes thought, "If she gets in a relationship soon, surely it's a rebound." Nope, can't think like that. She could end up marrying him, whoever she is. She could end up getting pregnant. There are no guarantees and I have no control in the matter.

 

It sucks, it sucks, but I have to remind myself that I do not have the power to stop her from doing anything right now. All it does is ultimately shoot me in the foot. My theory I have had and expressed on this board before is that there is a timer in the dumper that has to run its course before they ever consider reconciling (if ever). Every time the dumpee breaks NC, that timer is set back. That is the last thing I want to do even though I've been dying to talk to her sometimes.

 

I didn't think I would ever feel this set back, I thought my desire to contact her would generally continue to trend downward with only minor spikes. Last night/this morning was a big spike but I made it through. I've been beating myself up over every little thing and like Mariposa said, finding excuses for why I might need to be the one to break NC. I have to have... faith... (I don't like that word) in NC.

 

It's only been 5 days since I blocked her on Facebook. Chances are she's noticed by now... wouldn't it look pretty pathetic if I couldn't go a week without talking to her after doing such a thing? I tell myself that her and I are on 2 completely different wavelengths right now. Days that feel like forever to me are probably passing by much faster for her. It could take at least a week or 2 before it sinks in and she starts to ever contemplate it.

 

I still care for her deeply, but I have to say it's wonderful not worrying about her anymore. I assume she's been going out here and there, probably out right now but after blocking her on FB it helps SO much. I don't have to ever worry about seeing a picture of her out again, I took a lot of control in regards to what I subject myself to. One lesson that I took from reading, "Getting Past Your Breakup" is when she says, "If it hurts, don't do it." There's so much truth to that... love shouldn't hurt. If it hurts, don't do it - don't put yourself through it.

 

If I would have broken NC and she ignored me or dug the knife in deeper, I would be in the same boat as todreaminblue. It wouldn't be worth it. Sometimes dumpees are willing to sacrifice their dignity for a shot at reconciliation but I'm not going there. The old me would have, but no more. She has no excuse for not knowing where I have been standing. I'm doing nothing wrong, I'm being a good person and living a healthy life. Here's to hoping for better days.

 

You spend too much time thinking about her, wondering about her situation, construing scenarios in your mind. You won't get over her this way.