Troubled with loss of relationship and NC

[lylat333]

You spend too much time thinking about her, wondering about her situation, construing scenarios in your mind. You won't get over her this way.

 

The past weeks haven't been as bad, I don't normally have to spend so much time thinking about her.

 

I don't know why she started to creep up on my mind last night and then the night was filled with very strange, vivid dreaming. I literally dreamed about her all night and it felt very real. I woke up in a sweat and it was really hard to get over.

 

Have you ever been going about your business and then somewhat out of the blue you start reflecting on something painful and it starts to consume you again? That's what happened, and it took most of the day to regroup. It happens every once in a while when I get to thinking of the ex I was with for 6 1/2 years. 99% of the time I function fine but every once in a while I do miss what we used to have and feel a great sense of loss even though it's clearly over. I don't have to talk myself out of trying to change anything, I let it pass and move on.

 

I'm still working on accepting this breakup and trying to do the best things I can. It's only been a little over 7 weeks now. I'm back to not feeling a desire to contact her which is where I want to be.

 

I think I understand what you mean though... spending too much thought playing out scenarios in my head. I think that's because when I broke up with my previous long-term ex I didn't think anything bad would happen. It did, and I was caught completely off-guard and it was really hard. The best thing to do is probably not think about what is or isn't happening, while still accepting that good/bad things may happen.

Edited September 15, 2013 by lylat333

[thora-tiki]

Like we all tell each other on this forum, no contact is all about you.

 

Get your life back first, worry about your ex second - if at all - your choice.

The sooner that sinks in, the better - for you.

 

You seem much better than yesterday.

 

How are you?

 

I feel that one way to evolve and heal is to participate in our forum and support other members (like you already are doing - Yay!).

 

About crying and missing her, wanting to text her (by the way, great job in NOT texting her) so much that it almost gives you a panic attack:

 

Those feelings just means that you are not ready. Not ready to reconnect with ex - or date. Period.

 

It also means you are evolving.

 

Woooo-hoooooooo! Yeah, baby! Aha!

Some advice to use/do during no contact:

 

- Start journaling, write down the hurt and pain, and progress. And also write down texts you want to send her.

 

- Delete her number, e-mail, throw out her stuff, etc.

 

- Wish your ex all the best (you don't need to wish her the best life, kids and super model husband or anything specific, but wish her all the best -

just like that, no elaborate life, just: all the best.

 

I wish my ex-hole the best, I don't picture him with anybody, I picture him alive and well. If I have bad days and start to think:

He is dating. I picture him dating Dolly Duck from Duckburg!

 

I really believe in the power of thoughts, so I don't want to think him with a super model,

but I can think about him and Dolly Duck.)

 

- Working out

 

- Laughing

 

- Reading

 

- Hanging out with friends

 

- Not think too much about the past, think of the past as a cemetery, a cemetery is a place we visit,

but we wouldn't live there, right? So only visit the memories, don't move in. :-)

 

- Let go of the old failed relationship

 

- Do something new every day or week or month

 

- Spending time with your family

 

- Pet every furry animal that comes my way (I love all animals, so this one is a treat!)

 

- Explore your city, be a tourist in your own city

 

- Make a list over restaurants or places you want to go to on dates, hell, eat at them as well,

do the research with a friend, and have fun making the list,

so that when you reconnect with ex, or start dating a new girl, you have this list with great tips!

 

All those feelings you have now, I have had them too.

At times I have felt so disconnected to dildo face, aka my ex-hole, it was scary.

 

This is the reason I say to everybody on the forum: give no contact more than 30 days.

 

Because I know that 30-40 days is peak of loneliness, hurt, missing the ex etc. For the ex as well.

Never forget that!

 

In my experience as a no contact veteran, almost 10 months now, I felt this peak of loneliness for every 30 days that went by.

At least for the first 6 months.

Now I haven't had that peak of loneliness for months!

 

Things have to change to be able to start a new relationship.

 

This is the difficult and scary part, but the most important part:

You have to let go.

 

Just look down at you hands, really look at what you are holding onto:

You are holding onto a broken relationship.

 

The longer you hold onto that old broken relationship - the longer you will have to wait to start a new one.

Either with ex or a new girl.

 

To be in a relationship we need to be in a good place.

When people finally set their mind to let go, that is when the evolution really kicks in, and the magic begins.

 

The holidays are coming and that is when people do some of their deepest thinking about life,

and who is not in it any more.

 

I am really strong about no contact because I really do believe that if a relationship is not working

then just because you love someone and want it to work, doesn't make it so.

 

People have to address the issue of why it is not working,

and focusing on yourself is one way to do this.

 

Don't rush through no contact hoping to be back together for the holidays.

 

Let the magic of the holiday season work for you, not against you.

 

No contact is about getting your life back, not waiting for the right text/e-mail or time to reconnect -

remember that.

 

Nothing really good is going to happen to you until you let go of your ex girlfriend and the past.

 

Thank you for saying:

I saw a post from thora-tiki in another thread saying you can contact when you feel ready, when you are indifferent and don't care.

I really like her posts, I can only hope there is truth in them but as far as me feeling indifferent towards her, I don't ever see that happening and if it did,

why would the dumpee want to contact the ex? Still would feel like I am coming crawling back and as the dumpee I have too much pride for that.

 

You ask: why would the dumpee want to contact the ex?

This question just means you are not ready.

 

These are the negative feelings you will work out during your personal evolution and no contact time.

About pride:

I know of people getting back together after divorces, when court orders have been issued preventing one form approaching the other -

even when the ex has married someone else.

(My father just got married to his first love,

they have been apart for 30 years, she was married twice in that 30 year time, so was he))

 

It is possible to «get your ex back» no matter what the circumstances.

 

To have success you need to be in a different mindset than you are now.

 

I am telling you to give yourself some time to get in another mindset.

To get some distance. To evolve past the old failed relationship.

 

I am doing what I am writing to you. I am giving myself time to heal, and then I will be in a place where I am ready to «fight»,

because if you find out during your no contact that you want to reconnect, that is actually when the show/«fight» starts.

 

This is a «fight» - a «fight» for your life. For love.

«Fight» against your doubt and pride. «Fight» till the death.

 

Not a fist on fist fight, this is why I use «» around the word. :-)

 

To get ready for such a show/«fight» you need to rest and collect your strength and power. Very much like an athlete.

 

Keep up the good «fight» and be proud that you (will) have control. :-)

[thora-tiki]

My dad.

Let me tell you about him.

 

My dad first met An. in 1969, and they started dating, they dated for a few years.

Then they broke up. He was crushed.

 

My dad married my mum, Ni, had two kids (me and my older brother).

Then they divorced after 11 years.

 

My dad then got back together with An. in 1982.

 

By this time they both had two children each, and An. got scared, it was too much for her, she broke it off again after two years.

 

My dad was once more crushed.

 

My dad met and married Vi. two years later. Had two kids with her (my sisters).

They were married for 23 years.

A year after Vi. died (she in 2010) An. called and wanted to take a walk in the woods with my dad.

At this time An. had three kids and my dad had four kids.

 

On the walk, he grabbed her hand, and An. asked, what do we do now?

They started to date again.

 

And got married this year. After decades apart.

 

See. This can take time.

 

But they both lived their life.

 

And they evolved, so the relationship they have now, is not the same as they had before my dad met my mum.

[BC1980]

I did forget to congratulate you on not texting her. It takes a lot to do that sometimes. You made the right decision. She knows you are open for reconciliation if she wants to get in touch, so there is nothing more you can do at this point.

 

It took me 4 months to realize NC is about moving forward and doing what is best for myself. It made a world of difference to finally live and realize that. Before, I was doing it as a way to get him back. I didn't flat out admit that, but, deep down, it was about him. The problem is that I got more than I bargained for, and the onslaught of breadcrumbs continued. Some would wish for a breadcrumb, but I disagree. They are destructive to your own healing process. They get in the way of you seeing your own self worth.

 

The only thing you can do is to STOP thinking about her. Immediately redirect your thoughts until it becomes second nature. Fake it until you make it. It's just sheer will power in the early days.

[lylat333]

*** ******... well, my ex is going to call me today. Why? Because my mom called her yesterday. The one thing I told her repeatedly NOT to do.

 

My mom just called me, started the phone call by saying, "***** is going to call you today. ***** is going to call you today... in a strange, sing-songy voice. I really really started hoping it wasn't because she actually called her, and it was.

 

I had to explain to my mom how upset I was she did this and she started crying on the phone. I know all she wanted to do was try and help.

 

She told my ex I was heartbroken. Awesome. I didn't even want to know what my ex said on the phone but one thing my mom did say was her saying, "She thought the dog would help." (which I no longer have) No talk of her missing me or anything... I think I'm right in assuming she doesn't really give a **** about me.

 

I'm not answering her phone call, if she leaves a voice mail, I'm not listening to it. I don't even want to hear her voice right now, I'm so upset I've hit this setback. I told my mom if she calls her back to explain she was sorry for calling and how I told her not to call. God... why... I'll get back to you all later, I'm trembling in my chair right now... probably after I get done dealing with this.

[BC1980]

Tell your mom to call your ex back and that it was a mistake and not to call you. I don't think you have the strength not to answer that phone call when it comes in. That's too much to ask of you right now.

 

At least you know talking to your ex won't help you. It will just drive the stake in further.

[thora-tiki]

Gosh, I am so sorry this happened to you, lylat333

 

Your emotional roller coaster happens because there are still so many people around you meddling and fu*king up your evolution.

 

I read this today:

«The roller coaster ride is normal, and unavoidable, but as long as you hold on tight (i.e. do not break no contact),

you will not get thrown out of the car, and make it through to the end of the ride.

 

And then you get a tee-shirt.»

 

If I were you, I would tell them (friends and family) to give you time, and that you don't want to talk about your ex,

and you don't want to hear about her at the moment -

stand firm on this one.

 

Only talk to a few handpicked friends/family member, about your bad days, pain, etc, or get a break up buddy from the forum, just ask someone, get their e-mail address, or just write on here.

 

I only talk to a few friends, my mother and my therapist.

They have had to take the Omertà*:

They have been instructed to not mention me, or answer anything about me, my life, etc. if they where to bump into my ex-hole.

 

Tell your mother, and friends that you will evolve much faster from this break up and get better,

when there is no ex subject mentioned to you and all those people around you.

 

Yes, don't pick up.

 

Don't answer her text, she'll probably text: I tried to call. How are you?

Idiot ex.

 

Fu*k them.

Stop ranting and do something more productive.

 

Leave the phone on silence or switch it off, go for a hike, watch a film, or go visit a friend.

 

You are doing great.

 

This is just ridiculous of your mother.

 

Gaah!

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

 

In what way does this help, her asking the ex to call you?

 

Crazy.

 

I know people often think: «well it worked in this or that film»,

but I have yet to see that film, where the two characters get back together because the mother asked the dumper to call.

 

They don't call it: the-ex-called-after-my-mother/father-made-her/him-and-we-are-back-together-and-going-stronger-than-ever.

 

* Fun facts:

Omertà (/ɵˈmɛərtə/; Italian pronunciation: [omerˈta]) is a cultural attitude and code of honour that places heavy importance on a deep-rooted "code of silence",

non-cooperation with authorities, and non-interference in the illegal (and legal) actions of others.

It originated and remains very common in Corsica and Southern Italy where criminal organizations such as the Sicilian Mafia, 'Ndrangheta, Sacra Corona Unita,

and Camorra are strong. It also exists to a lesser extent in certain Italian-American neighborhoods where the American Mafia has influence and other Italian ethnic enclaves

in countries such as Germany, Canada, and Australia, where Italian organized crime exists.

[lylat333]

I want you all to really know how much your support means. It feels like almost the only thing I have right now. Last night I wanted to call someone up and talk to them and there's no one I could call I felt comfortable talking about it to. I scrolled through every contact on my phone. I told many people what was going on after I last heard from her... but now I'm in a place where it doesn't feel comforting to talk to most people about it. My mom and dad care deeply about me but they don't really understand what I'm going through... my mom gives me the most cookie-cutter advice imaginable, but I know she loves me more than anything and is hurting deeply for me.

 

My mom did what she did because she sees my ex as a good person and can't imagine why we wouldn't want to be with each other. I called her again and explained to her that if she ever talks to my ex again, apologize for doing what she did and get off the phone asap. No friendly talk, no telling her she missed her like she did this morning, just get off the phone, my ex is not an angel.

 

Trust me, I will not pick up the phone if she calls. To me, the scariest thing right now is either her not even calling or sending me some lame-*** text saying it's over and I need to move on. I will admit I want her to call so she can see I'm not completely dependent on her. That's the only silver lining to this situation I'm clinging onto right now to keep from seeing the ordeal as a complete setback. The only way I would consider talking to her is if she drove to my house.

 

I'm worried that she gave my mom pure lip service, even though she was very close to my mom. She knows it would hurt me by not calling or perhaps just texting. I was trying to sleep the pain away but my stomach was constantly churning. I didn't want to eat because I don't want to do anything... but I managed to eat a little breakfast. I don't think I can accomplish much for the rest of the day... the next 12 hours is going to be bad. I already went for a long walk this morning and I'm about to go on another one... keep the feet moving and avoid these terrible thoughts. I have nothing on the horizon, and I'm starting to go through bouts of deep loneliness living alone.

 

Thank you again for taking so much time to talk to me and give me input. I feel like I don't know what to believe and I'm scared things aren't going to get better. Right now I'm running on pure fumes of will, nothing else.

Edited September 15, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

The first 2 months after my breakup were pretty bad. I would randomly cry in the car while driving down the road. My eyes would tear up at work, and I would have to go to the bathroom and get control of myself. I felt like such a weak person, but it's normal.

 

This past summer seems like a blur, the summer that would never end. But I pushed through it and feel like I have come to a turning point. You will get there.

[Simon Phoenix]

That sucks lylat. Your mom meant well, so don't get too mad at her, but yeah, she needs to butt out of this situation. Try not to stay worked up about this -- at least you know your mom cares, even if her actions aren't very helpful.

[Mariposa10]

Remember that we're here for you!! Hang in there, things do get better.

[lylat333]

I went to bed very early last night, put my phone on silent and left it in the living room so I would be able to sleep. I didn't want it to get in the way of me getting up and getting ready for work so I put it in my pocket and didn't check it, until just now.

 

Nothing.

 

I'm not surprised, it's what I expected to see. My ex is a coward and a liar. Not just because of how things are now, it's how she's been in the past, too. Yesterday is just another day to throw on the pile of days and nights she's had me worried sick to the point I can't function.

 

She could end up calling tonight or sometime this week if she feels obligated, but I highly doubt it.

 

This marks a turning point. I don't want anything to do with my ex... I miss what we had and that's what I've been mourning but thinking of her and how all this went down makes me sick. I'm starting to wish I never met her.

 

Right now I'm numb. It's been almost exactly 2 years since I broke up with my other ex and I feel like I'm right back where I was then. In late 2011 I was at square one... I had nothing... and I'm back. I went a whole fall and winter without ever even kissing someone, and chances are this year won't be much different... it's only getting harder to meet people.

 

BC1980, I still cry often. Probably average every 2-3 days, sometimes multiple times a day. I cried yesterday... a deep, helpless cry. I managed to work more on putting furniture back into place and when I was going through things in my computer desk drawer I came across 2 senior pictures of my other ex... cried like a baby. She was the single most beautiful person in the world to me and thinking of that breakup still hurts. So much so it interfered with my last relationship at times, but only after I started having serious trust issues.

 

I don't know, I'm in a really tough place right now. I feel like I've proved I can live alone, I did it for 7-8 months in the aftermath of my other breakup and lived a healthy, responsible life. Is it wrong to want a relationship so bad? I'm tired of being alone. It's so hard to work out and get fit when you're fighting against soul-crushing depression.

 

I've thought about starting to see a counselor again... give me someone to talk to again for a while and have something to look forward to in a way. I can't stress enough that I have NOTHING right now in the way of relationships. Not a single person I am attracted to, no one to date, no easy way to meet people... I've even thought about moving but that's a huge decision that I don't think I'm ready to undertake in the current state of being I'm in right now. I'm so disheartened and frustrated.

[Mariposa10]

If you can see a counselor, you should. Do you still have feelings for your other ex? You keep mentioning that breakup too... I think you need to be around people, sounds like you spend a lot of time alone. If I'm alone for too long and I'm feeling down I usually start crying, but when I'm around people even if I want to cry I don't because I don't want them to see me crying...

[BC1980]

Just curious, but why did you break up with the other ex?

[lylat333]

If you can see a counselor, you should. Do you still have feelings for your other ex? You keep mentioning that breakup too... I think you need to be around people, sounds like you spend a lot of time alone. If I'm alone for too long and I'm feeling down I usually start crying, but when I'm around people even if I want to cry I don't because I don't want them to see me crying...

 

I took advantage of a program through my work to see a counselor for 6 visits but that recently ended, but my counselor said I can take advantage of it again if I have a different reason this time. Last time it was considered "relationship stress", this time it could be general depression. I emailed my counselor a little while ago to give her a heads up about where I was at.

 

I do spend a decent amount of time alone... but I have no close friends who live near me. I have my brother, a cousin, and a friend who live in my hometown 25 min. away. Here there is no one... although I did join a young adult game night group and in fact I am hosting the next event, this Sunday evening at my house which I'm looking forward to. I don't want a roommate or anything... and it's not living alone in itself that is bad I feel loneliness in my relationship life.

 

Just curious, but why did you break up with the other ex?

 

Good question. We were high school sweethearts, started dating when I was a senior in high school and she was a junior. Stayed extremely loyal to each other, even through the year I started going to a college w/ a party reputation over an hour away. I came home every weekend to see her, never went to a single party, never had a drop of alcohol until I was 21.

 

First cracks were due to attention she was getting from a guy who was crazy about her early on through the first 2-3 years. He would not leave her alone, and while she never acted on it she liked the attention and couldn't bring herself to get him to stop, she saw it as pretty much harmless but I was very bitter over it. Finally told him off one night after I caught him texting her calling her "angel" and that was that.

 

We still functioned as a great couple and loved each other, but I would still feel bitter over it at times and it was hard to deal with because it was the first serious relationship for us both. (and we were each other's first) ~New Year's 2009 I went to visit my best friend and took 3 of his female cousins up with me... one of whom I always thought was cute, and she very intelligent. Due to limited sleeping arrangements we slept next to each other on the floor... had some wandering fingers but didn't kiss or do anything intimate. Told my ex about it when I got back, she was crushed, I was extremely depressed over it, but we stayed together.

 

I did everything in the relationship as far as paying and taking care of her. In March 2010 I bought the house I live in now and we moved in together... things started to go down after that... I felt suffocated but also hated myself for hurting her. Over the next year and a half intimacy really suffered, she wanted to and I never did... I started flirting with someone online across the country towards the end (why I will never understand now) and even though she still wanted to work it out, I felt obligated to end it, we were in a rut and I felt we needed perspective. I thought we each could possibly find someone better for us both and I felt I was holding her back in school/career.

 

2 months after she moved out, she got in a relationship with someone she met in online dating (I knew she was on online dating and had no problem with it... didn't expect anything to come of it, at least not so soon) and the night I saw her relationship change on FB I was destroyed. I realized what a grave mistake I made by letting her go. I hated myself... but she would still talk to me and even after all we went through she didn't hate me. There is no excuse for what I did but she would do and say things that bothered me and I didn't know how to handle it. I felt so stupid for getting so worked up over that early insecurity because it seemed like nothing now but at the time it really bothered me and she let it go on and basically hid it from me.

 

If there's anything I've learned from these past 2 relationships, it's that I cannot stand for trust issues. I will be with someone I know I can trust and they will be able to trust me. I had FULL trust in my last ex... thought this was it... and when she drunkenly made out with that guy a month after I met her (granted we weren't bf/gf yet) it hurt SO bad, but I almost felt like I deserved it. This? What I'm going through now? I don't feel I deserve it at all, I feel like I've paid my dues, my karma or whatever it is.

 

This morning I started to google, "How long does the honeymoon phase last"? I know, it's bad... I just assume she is seeing someone now and I hope it dies even if I want nothing to do with her...

[lylat333]

Mariposa, I want to thank you for inspiring me to do something with my friends even though it's not the easiest or most convenient thing to do. I am happy to report that either tonight or tomorrow night I'm having my brother and 2 other friends over to hang out and play games, and probably eat pizza! This wouldn't be happening if it weren't for your comment. It will be a ton of fun and hopefully we can make it a recurring thing, I think we are all looking for something to do and it's been under our nose. (though my brother just moved back home a few weeks ago)

 

Amazingly, I've been feeling better this afternoon. Maybe it's because I'm on my daily afternoon Mtn Dew high. It's like the fog lifted... I see I have no choice but to go forward and know that I need to love and take care of myself in this difficult time.

 

I've made peace with what happened yesterday already... I honestly don't even look at it as a setback anymore. (I'm *SO* glad she didn't text me) The important thing is I still have not broken NC, and I can rest assured with 320% certainty my ex knows exactly where I am. At least she heard it from my mom and not me... it's not the same. I am choosing to put a positive spin on things.. at least she cannot kid herself into thinking this didn't really hurt me that much and it's OK to just toss away a relationship the way she did when I was so sincere at the end wanting to work it out. At least I have the peace of mind she knows she honest to god hurt me for real.

 

I am able to move on with a clear conscience... and working on the delicate process of opening up my heart to love and be loved again. Thanks again for all of your support, this forum has done so much to help me.

[Mariposa10]

I'm glad you're gonna have some fun!! Yesterday I forced myself to hang out with one of my really good friends. I laughed a lot. Thank god, she didn't ask me about my ex like she usually does. I usually pretend to be doing fine, so that they don't keep asking and I can move on. Pretending to be fine actually helps me a lot!! You know what they say, fake it until you make it.

 

Let's not forget who we are. Let's not forget that before we even met these people we were happy human beings!!

[LinkWorshiper]

To top it off, towards the very end of the book she recounts various letters she has received and her responses to them. One of the sections is about when the ex breaks NC. At the end she says this:

Remember, if your ex breaks contact, do not respond. I repeat, do not respond, at all.

 

No qualifiers... and I don't know if I totally agree.

 

I can safely say I don't agree, especially if you hope for reconciliation. And I don't think it's wrong to want that, though it is also important to make sure your life doesn't stop because of it is all. I think people who are so black and white about a situation forget to factor in human emotion. I think that unless you are determined to MOVE ON AND NEVER LOOK BACK, it's a little silly to think that no replies whatsoever is the way to go.

 

This is my whole struggle in a nutshell right here. I feel like I should be able to feel confident I did my best and not feel any obligation to break the silence. But... I honestly have no clue what she's thinking or how she views the situation. Did I still not do enough? Did I need continue to affirm how much I loved her for her to see things differently? Will she misinterpret the 180 I've done as a sign of not caring? I ask myself these questions constantly.

 

Oh man, I am on that party bus for sure. My ex said something during one of our interactions last week that made me feel like it was time to draw the line on what he should expect out of our current relationship. Instead of engaging him, I just... didn't. I took a long time to answer his texts, which started to get desperate, and some I didn't even answer at all. It hasn't even been a week, and he's panicked and tried to placate me twice. He even pulled out the 'I miss you' card, to which I told him I didn't know what he wanted me to say. It has been SO HARD to just let texts go and not answer, especially when I haven't heard from him in a few days. I worry just as you are that he's like, Kanye shrug, whatever, guess that's that, even though I know that it will actually help my situation to let him sweat it out a little bit, and that there's a good chance HE'S the one sitting around wondering what my deal is. I keep worrying I'm shooting myself in the foot with this one, especially during the waiting parts.

 

Obviously I'm suffering from a defeatist mentality and regressing. I'm going to bed soon, my plan is soon after I wake up I'm heading back out to another place to finish hiking a bunch of trails there I haven't done yet, ~9-10 miles worth. Maybe I will feel at least a little better after that. Honestly, I'm dying for my ex to contact me, this confusion is driving me insane. I keep hoping that I just have to hit some magic number... 6 weeks after I wrote my letter, or 2 months since I've heard from her or 2-3 months of strict NC and then she'll break down, but it feels like it's never going to happen. And it's so, so hard to meet someone here and I'm just so frustrated, I miss the good times I had with my ex more than anything.

 

I think it's good you're doing all that walking and exploring. Gives you time to think. For me, it took me a long time, but I MADE myself do the things I used to love doing with my ex by myself or with other people. I still think of him when I go to those places, and I usually end up drawing connections to him from wherever we are, but it's not as bad as it used to be. If anything, you can at least be focusing on yourself and making yourself grow.

 

But I seriously admire that you've gone so long like that. Here I am flipping out over not hearing from my ex for two days, and the last communication I had with him was even him being a bit desperate, so I should at least have hope that he'll break down again before the week is out. But I keep going back and forth obsessively about whether I should maybe send a little text, maybe I should reply to his last message, maybe I should agree to want to talk things out. I keep freaking out in my head that what I'm doing is just driving him away and that he's only looking at my Tumblr (allthefreakingtime) because he's concerned about me and just wants to see that I can be okay without him... or something.

 

I wonder though... for you.... what is it you're hoping to accomplish with the NC? Are you really just hoping she will break down and contact you or are you waiting to get to a place where you could contact her and it wouldn't matter what she had to say? Or something?

[LinkWorshiper]

Mariposa, I want to thank you for inspiring me to do something with my friends even though it's not the easiest or most convenient thing to do. I am happy to report that either tonight or tomorrow night I'm having my brother and 2 other friends over to hang out and play games, and probably eat pizza! This wouldn't be happening if it weren't for your comment. It will be a ton of fun and hopefully we can make it a recurring thing, I think we are all looking for something to do and it's been under our nose. (though my brother just moved back home a few weeks ago)

 

Amazingly, I've been feeling better this afternoon. Maybe it's because I'm on my daily afternoon Mtn Dew high. It's like the fog lifted... I see I have no choice but to go forward and know that I need to love and take care of myself in this difficult time.

 

I've made peace with what happened yesterday already... I honestly don't even look at it as a setback anymore. (I'm *SO* glad she didn't text me) The important thing is I still have not broken NC, and I can rest assured with 320% certainty my ex knows exactly where I am. At least she heard it from my mom and not me... it's not the same. I am choosing to put a positive spin on things.. at least she cannot kid herself into thinking this didn't really hurt me that much and it's OK to just toss away a relationship the way she did when I was so sincere at the end wanting to work it out. At least I have the peace of mind she knows she honest to god hurt me for real.

 

I am able to move on with a clear conscience... and working on the delicate process of opening up my heart to love and be loved again. Thanks again for all of your support, this forum has done so much to help me.

 

Jeez, late to the party! I'm sorry if everything I just posted is totally irrelevant now! I'm glad you have a bit more peace of mind. You should think of it as a step forward, because now she actually has information that she might do something with. And you can rest assured that she's not sitting on her high horse thinking that she's an angel. I hope things work out for you, however it is that you want them to! And who knows... the universe might surprise you! I truly believe if you put positive vibes out, then positive things come back to you

[lylat333]

I'm glad you're gonna have some fun!! Yesterday I forced myself to hang out with one of my really good friends. I laughed a lot. Thank god, she didn't ask me about my ex like she usually does. I usually pretend to be doing fine, so that they don't keep asking and I can move on. Pretending to be fine actually helps me a lot!! You know what they say, fake it until you make it.

 

Let's not forget who we are. Let's not forget that before we even met these people we were happy human beings!!

 

I am happy to report I did hang out with my brother and my coworker last night at my house. Tonight another friend of ours will be driving down so we'll have 4 people. I am taking after thora-tiki's advice and asking my friends to follow a strict policy of never mentioning my ex, particularly concerning any activity taking place in her life. I said you can feel free to hide her from your feed or even defriend her, but please do not discuss anything about her, ever, until the day comes I've moved past it.

 

I don't always fake it to my friends and family, if I'm down it usually shows. But at work and interactions with others I know I look more like my old self. To me, NC is a form of faking it until you make it. Granted my ex now knows everything has been far from sunshine and rainbows for me, but that's fine. She still knows I have been improving in areas of my life and she doesn't get the comfort of being able to know what I'm doing and whether I have moved on or not.

 

I keep worrying I'm shooting myself in the foot with this one, especially during the waiting parts.

I don't know everything that has gone on in your situation, but it sounds like he is showing some pretty clear signs he wants to be with you... seems more than just breadcrumbs if he's constantly stalking you and telling you he misses you. I know they say the person implementing NC will get a crystal clear sign.. they'll come beating down your door but is it that strange to keep your foot off the gas pedal if the other person is taking a long time to respond to/ignoring your texts and whatnot? It sounds like you're handling it well... of course you don't want to seek reconciliation prematurely. Follow your gut, trust what you are doing... I think when you feel you know they are being totally sincere that's the moment to seize and get on the same page. Again, I don't know your situation well enough to give the best advice, I remember reading your posts though and may head back to catch myself up.

 

But I seriously admire that you've gone so long like that. Here I am flipping out over not hearing from my ex for two days, and the last communication I had with him was even him being a bit desperate, so I should at least have hope that he'll break down again before the week is out.

Thanks, that's one of the nicest things anyone has said to me on this board.

 

It's OK that you were replying to earlier posts, it's still really nice to hear feedback.

 

Jeez, late to the party! I'm sorry if everything I just posted is totally irrelevant now! I'm glad you have a bit more peace of mind. You should think of it as a step forward, because now she actually has information that she might do something with. And you can rest assured that she's not sitting on her high horse thinking that she's an angel. I hope things work out for you, however it is that you want them to!

 

I do have more peace of mind, even though it came at the price of a very slow, painful day. I'm trying to get better about not playing mind-reader and think about what my ex is thinking... that is a dangerous game. Sometimes I visualize her being with a new guy, laughing when she thinks back to pathetic old me begging her to stay one more night and crying in bed. Other times I visualize reality setting in for her and realizing she completely screwed up a relationship that could have had so much more potential... yeah, not a good way to spend my mental energy. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. We weren't a perfect couple. But even now I feel very confident we loved each other, made each other very happy and if she doesn't think positively of me now, she will. We weren't just sitting there for months trying to kid ourselves into thinking we loved each other, we did and had a satisfying relationship.

 

She also probably knows by now I've lost a lot of respect for her, here I am speculating again but if I had to guess that's the #1 reason she didn't call me even though she told my mom she would. She's falling back into her old ways... I base this on the tidbits of facts I do know - starting to go out again with her roommate, crashing at people's houses she doesn't know very well, her sister telling me she thinks my ex is, "confused about what she wants". She knows this was my big concern, and I don't see how her old lifestyle ends well for her. If she has been with another guy in this window of time she knows it wouldn't be a fun ordeal trying to reconcile with me (because she always said if she became single she wanted to work on herself and not see someone else anytime soon, she wasn't proud of her past) and probably wouldn't want to put herself through it. That's fine. But love makes a person do crazy things, I think that goes for the dumper and dumpee. I told her I never wanted to go back on online dating again, I wanted another way but I went back on that. Not because I wanted to, I thought it would help me to start putting myself out there again.

 

And who knows... the universe might surprise you! I truly believe if you put positive vibes out, then positive things come back to you

Wow, thanks... I don't usually think like this but I would love it if it were true. I hit some good vibes yesterday after work on the drive to pick up my brother... I think I'm going to be OK. Really looking forward to hitting some hard workouts soon, I need that. I had made some headway but this past month it's slowed down. I would love to look like a totally new person in a 3, 6 months and literally be able to show the world I am coming out a stronger, better person.

Edited September 17, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

Minor update... I came across something just now I found pretty interesting. Up until now I have avoided laying eyes on any old messages between my ex and I. I already deleted everything in my gmail I ever got from her or any emails that even had her name in them.

 

I made a quick scroll down through my Facebook messages and saw the last message I sent to her. It was downright cringe-worthy to read most of it, my brain was so addled. I started beating myself up again for coming off as needy... and then I got to the end, which ended up giving me a pleasant surprise.

 

I've said one of my biggest struggles as a dumpee (I'm sure many others understand) is second-guessing everything I did or didn't say and coming up with excuses for why I might need to break NC. I had no idea I wrote my ex this. Wanted to paste it while it was still on my clipboard and I don't want to go look at any more messages again.

 

I hope that we can give the relationship another chance I believe it deserves. My biggest regret the past year is not stepping up to work on something that brought so much good to my life. I enjoyed brightening up your days and seeing you happy so much and I miss that, and that's the person I want to be. I really believe it would be better than it ever was and not be brought down by the things that did before. In the meantime and the near future, I am ready to do what it takes to make the relationship work if you are willing to give it a chance. We can take it slow if that's better. I'm here if you ever want to talk, thank you for reading.

 

Not worded the best, I was very hurt when writing that but I'm done thinking there's anything else I could have done or said... my heart was out on the line that whole last 2+ weeks and it wasn't until the very end I had my 2 days of neediness and begging. My conscience is feeling clearer... really need to stop letting one other person determine my value and self-worth which has been a problem for me in the past. Fellow dumpees... you gotta like who you are and believe you are someone worth fighting for.

Edited September 17, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

Minor update... I came across something just now I found pretty interesting. Up until now I have avoided laying eyes on any old messages between my ex and I. I already deleted everything in my gmail I ever got from her or any emails that even had her name in them.

 

I made a quick scroll down through my Facebook messages and saw the last message I sent to her. It was downright cringe-worthy to read most of it, my brain was so addled. I started beating myself up again for coming off as needy... and then I got to the end, which ended up giving me a pleasant surprise.

 

I've said one of my biggest struggles as a dumpee (I'm sure many others understand) is second-guessing everything I did or didn't say and coming up with excuses for why I might need to break NC. I had no idea I wrote my ex this. Wanted to paste it while it was still on my clipboard and I don't want to go look at any more messages again.

 

I hope that we can give the relationship another chance I believe it deserves. My biggest regret the past year is not stepping up to work on something that brought so much good to my life. I enjoyed brightening up your days and seeing you happy so much and I miss that, and that's the person I want to be. I really believe it would be better than it ever was and not be brought down by the things that did before. In the meantime and the near future, I am ready to do what it takes to make the relationship work if you are willing to give it a chance. We can take it slow if that's better. I'm here if you ever want to talk, thank you for reading.

 

Not worded the best, I was very hurt when writing that but I'm done thinking there's anything else I could have done or said... my heart was out on the line that whole last 2+ weeks and it wasn't until the very end I had my 2 days of neediness and begging. My conscience is feeling clearer... really need to stop letting one other person determine my value and self-worth which has been a problem for me in the past. Fellow dumpees... you gotta like who you are and believe you are someone worth fighting for.

 

I don't even want to think about the messages I sent my ex during the first week we broke up. OH MY GOD, SO PATHETIC!!! But now, since I've decided to go LC (I don't initiate, I only react to his contact, and kind of my transition to NC) I feel like I've gained some of the dignity I lost the first two weeks of the breakup...

[LinkWorshiper]

I don't know everything that has gone on in your situation, but it sounds like he is showing some pretty clear signs he wants to be with you... seems more than just breadcrumbs if he's constantly stalking you and telling you he misses you. I know they say the person implementing NC will get a crystal clear sign.. they'll come beating down your door but is it that strange to keep your foot off the gas pedal if the other person is taking a long time to respond to/ignoring your texts and whatnot? It sounds like you're handling it well... of course you don't want to seek reconciliation prematurely. Follow your gut, trust what you are doing... I think when you feel you know they are being totally sincere that's the moment to seize and get on the same page. Again, I don't know your situation well enough to give the best advice, I remember reading your posts though and may head back to catch myself up.

 

Thank you! That is some of the most reassuring stuff I've heard. Most people on this site totally shut it down like he's some dick who's running me around on purpose. I truly think he's confused, unsure what to do. I think he's a little scared of a serious relationship that might end up being for life when it comes down to it, honestly. I definitely agree that it's more than breadcrumbs the way he's treating me, working so hard to keep me around. I seriously felt like he was courting me, messaging me every day and telling me how much he enjoyed hanging out with me and all the introspective talking we had started doing. Buying me lunch and chocolates? Right, I'm sure he does that for ALL his friends. (Hint: he doesn't, haha.) And even in our current state of not really talking (after I stopped being so responsive and open in my messages to him because he tried to say he had no feelings and he couldn't force a relationship, and then changed his tune immediately when he seemed to realize he might have made a fatal blunder), he's still looking at my Tumblr at least once a day, and who knows what else. (I know his Tumblr visits because of an IP tracker.) I must admit I've been a little sly in my Tumblr posts, thinly veiled messages to him. For instance, the last thing I posted was as screencap Hermione from Harry Potter saying "You're an idiot."

 

Having said all that, it's really, really hard, because I keep worrying he's just going to go running into the arms of some other girl because I'm not fulfilling the relationship anymore, but I am trying to have faith that he will eventually miss what we had and recognize that it's not just any old thing.... that' he'll want what he has to fight for. It's what happened the last time we had tension in our relationship, though that time wasn't as serious as this. (Plus, I feel like the quick resolution in that situation made him brush the issues under the rug that made him fall apart this time.) I have to have faith that he'll miss it. I mean, it's not even been a week, and he's already freaked out twice, tried to get me "back". He even went so far as to tell me I should never doubt how much he misses me. I didn't bite that time, and I have to admit, I keep worrying that maybe I missed the chance to resolve everything and now I've shut him down too much for him to want to try anymore. But I also want to see him really come running a little bit. I've done more than my fair share in all this, and I want to show that I'm not such an easy option. I am someone worth fighting for! He should remember how hard he worked to get me in the first place! At the same time, I keep wondering if maybe I am supposed to give him some kind of indicator that I'm not over it or angry or whatever. Even though I'm pretty sure he knows. Argh! See, this is where that WHAT IS HE THINKING thing can be both good and bad D:

 

Thanks, that's one of the nicest things anyone has said to me on this board.

 

I'm glad! Sometimes I feel like this board can be very negative. Even if a situation looks grim, I thnk just shutting a person down by saying some bumper sticker advice is not helpful. There are still emotions involved!

 

I do have more peace of mind, even though it came at the price of a very slow, painful day. I'm trying to get better about not playing mind-reader and think about what my ex is thinking... that is a dangerous game. Sometimes I visualize her being with a new guy, laughing when she thinks back to pathetic old me begging her to stay one more night and crying in bed. Other times I visualize reality setting in for her and realizing she completely screwed up a relationship that could have had so much more potential... yeah, not a good way to spend my mental energy. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. We weren't a perfect couple. But even now I feel very confident we loved each other, made each other very happy and if she doesn't think positively of me now, she will. We weren't just sitting there for months trying to kid ourselves into thinking we loved each other, we did and had a satisfying relationship.

 

Yeah, I understand. I have a habit of overanalyzing everything. On the one hand, I think it helps give me good insight on a situation, but on the other hand, sometimes I drive myself nuts with it. You are right that the truth is probably somewhere in the middle of those two extremes, and with hope, she will at least have clarity one day. Like you said, you can't rush the reconciliation, if you even still want that, but if it's to happen, hopefully it'll happen when the time is right.

 

Wow, thanks... I don't usually think like this but I would love it if it were true. I hit some good vibes yesterday after work on the drive to pick up my brother... I think I'm going to be OK. Really looking forward to hitting some hard workouts soon, I need that. I had made some headway but this past month it's slowed down. I would love to look like a totally new person in a 3, 6 months and literally be able to show the world I am coming out a stronger, better person.

 

Listen, I super believe that if you are positive and optimistic, things will work out. Maybe they don't always work out how you expect, but I think if you put your heart into the things you want, there is no reason why you can't get a good result. Even in a small sense like... start out focusing on what you want for yourself and put good vibes into it and I bet you'll surprise yourself. Put good vibes into how you interact with other people. Put good vibes out when you think of your ex. It'll come back, I promise... even if sometimes it's hard.

 

Not worded the best, I was very hurt when writing that but I'm done thinking there's anything else I could have done or said... my heart was out on the line that whole last 2+ weeks and it wasn't until the very end I had my 2 days of neediness and begging. My conscience is feeling clearer... really need to stop letting one other person determine my value and self-worth which has been a problem for me in the past. Fellow dumpees... you gotta like who you are and believe you are someone worth fighting for.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with being totally honest with how you feel. I always run into trouble on these boards because that's what I always tell people. And I don't think you should feel bad about the message because you said what you had to say, then you picked yourself up and sat back. Now if anything happens, it's on her. You did what you had to do and you said what you had to say, and now she has no excuse to pretend like she doesn't know exactly where you stand. At least right now. It's on her if she wants to potentially let it slip away. But I like your last bit there about knowing your worth. Know you're a person you're worth fighting for!! There have been a few articles I've read about all this kind of thing that talk about thinking of yourself as a prize, giving yourself that mentality that you're not an easy thing to have. It's amazing how people flock to the thing they realize has value on it... but it won't have value until you give it that value yourself!!

[lylat333]

Thank you! That is some of the most reassuring stuff I've heard. Most people on this site totally shut it down like he's some dick who's running me around on purpose.

I do think you should have some assurance, but then again what you are dealing with isn't ideal... it must be very tiring wondering so much where things are at and trying to understand his signals. I think you'll end up having to either cut more contact or confront him and you two find out exactly where each other stands.

 

Please don't read too much into this but when my ex and I were in limbo and she wanted to be with me, I kind of wish she would have sat me down, looked me right in the eyes and said, "look, a relationship is what I want. We need to either commit to a growing relationship or part ways." Which sounds so silly because we both pretty much knew it's where we were at but we chronically procrastinated confronting it. Even though she made it fairly obvious she wanted a relationship, I still doubted it. I was genuinely confused and he may be too. In my case I was scared of getting hurt again, had trouble trusting her on what she really wanted. I can see people looking at our situation though and criticizing me for not knowing what I wanted, fair point. Also in my case even though we weren't official bf/gf it was very obvious I cared deeply about her and saw her as much more than a friend.

 

Sometimes I feel like this board can be very negative. Even if a situation looks grim, I thnk just shutting a person down by saying some bumper sticker advice is not helpful. There are still emotions involved!

So true. I try to be gentle with others because I'm still hurting and I know how hard it is to process advice when in pain. I don't respond well to the bumper sticker advice because I don't feel like the person understands. Maybe they used to know what it was like to feel the pain but now they've forgotten. I prefer to hear real-world accounts and intimate testimonies from others. Thanks again for posting, LW.

 

I got to hang out with my brother and 2 other friends last night. It was fun, and I barely thought of my ex while we hung out and played games. I'm eating well, laughing... slowly getting back my old self.

 

However, I did dream about her last night, and again woke up thinking we were together or nothing was wrong. Then it takes a little while to realize just how long it's been since I've heard from her. Even though it's been less than 2 months, it feels like so much longer. It feels like we're a thousand miles away physically and emotionally.

 

Since the weekend I've never had a moment's desire to contact her. More and more, all I think is there's nothing I can do, I have no choice but to move on. I wasn't able to exercise/work out much last night but that's what I would love to invest all my spare time and energy into. Last night I thought about how she or a friend of hers could end up seeing me in a mutual friend's photo down the road and I want them to think, "woah, look at him!" Going to still take a lot of work, though. And time, which I have hard time being patient and waiting for more than 2-3 months for things like this. I need to do it for me, by then she may not care about me anymore. But it would be nice to go to bed each night thinking, "I did my part today" and feel good about that.

 

I thought about taking a break from LS in case it would help me think about my ex less. But I don't want to do that, I enjoy coming here and look forward to seeing some of the new posts every day. I feel I am still coping and still wrapping my mind around the breakup, it turned my world upside-down. She was the closest person to me in my life.

Edited September 18, 2013 by lylat333

[LinkWorshiper]

I do think you should have some assurance, but then again what you are dealing with isn't ideal... it must be very tiring wondering so much where things are at and trying to understand his signals. I think you'll end up having to either cut more contact or confront him and you two find out exactly where each other stands.

 

You know, it was really nice hearing you say that bit about the confusion, though I know it's probably hard for you to talk about it. So please don't feel you have to if you don't want to! But I really don't doubt for a second that my ex is confused. Confusion is what even triggered the break up in the first place. He has never had a point in his life (I think, based on what I know of his history) where he could sort out a lot of his personal issues. He told me it's only just in this past year that he's recognized that emotions are valid, that he has spent most of his life focusing on the logical position of a given situation. (So I went onto Tumblr and reblogged a bunch of Kirk and Spock stuff, because I am subtle, haha.)

 

Anyway, maybe he is unsure that I am serious about him. He has made a few little comments here and there that almost suggest like he's waiting for something to indicate that we ought to get back together, but they were so subtle, I never thought they were anything until right now. Could you please maybe suggest how I ought to approach the situation? Should I keep holding out on NC until he does something, or is there something that perhaps he is looking to see from me here? He's very confusing in that the thing he said that made me start withdrawing was that he didn't have feelings and we couldn't force a relationship, yet the second I stopped texting him, he was talking about seeing what we are and where we're going and can we talk it out over lunch, and compliments, compliments, compliments, and never doubt I miss you, and so much gets left unsaid..... The last message I sent him was me pretty much telling him to get his $hit together, but it a much nicer way. It was in response to him saying that he didn't understand what it meant to be happy and healthy, but he wanted to. I told him to stop being so afraid and to allow himself to.

 

Since the weekend I've never had a moment's desire to contact her. More and more, all I think is there's nothing I can do, I have no choice but to move on. I wasn't able to exercise/work out much last night but that's what I would love to invest all my spare time and energy into. Last night I thought about how she or a friend of hers could end up seeing me in a mutual friend's photo down the road and I want them to think, "woah, look at him!" Going to still take a lot of work, though. And time, which I have hard time being patient and waiting for more than 2-3 months for things like this. I need to do it for me, by then she may not care about me anymore. But it would be nice to go to bed each night thinking, "I did my part today" and feel good about that.

 

I'm glad you're starting to hang out with people. It's amazing how helpful that can be when you're up for it. I have to admit I haven't been much fun to hang out with myself in the past year, but recently I've felt my old self coming back too. I'm not sure why. Maybe it has to do with clarity?

 

But don't feel bad that you get doubtful and sad sometimes. You are human and that's what we do. I get that way too, even if it seems like I totally have it together (AHAHAHAHAHAHA). I think it's good you are at least making an effort to take care of yourself, because you are you, and you have to live with you until the day you die. So you better get to liking you a lot! And you're right, maybe one day she'll wake up and be like, '&^%$#%^&* I GOT TO GET TO HIM.' Good vibes, brosef, good vibes, I'm telling you. Maybe you should try a yoga class or something that will help instill some inner peace as well? I'm taking some therapeutic classes about regulating emotions and it's already starting to help me.

 

Except that I understand... I am probably even less patient than you. <3

 

I thought about taking a break from LS in case it would help me think about my ex less. But I don't want to do that, I enjoy coming here and look forward to seeing some of the new posts every day. I feel I am still coping and still wrapping my mind around the breakup, it turned my world upside-down. She was the closest person to me in my life.

 

And who knows, she might still be one day. And no matter what, she was still important and changed your life for the better. I think it's great you want to use that to help other people. I have to admit I sometimes get angry at this board. But lately, I've felt that it's helped me get through the days waiting to visit here as I'm prone to self doubt. But I hope that we can help you like you help us!!