Troubled with loss of relationship and NC

[lindsay1990]

I think that happens to everybody, it's always hard to lose hope...

 

I think the hope will be lost eventually, but the NC helps you at least in saving face. And I find that is crucial for recovery.

[Mariposa10]

I think the hope will be lost eventually, but the NC helps you at least in saving face. And I find that is crucial for recovery.

 

I agree, I guess I still haven't lost hope that my ex will contact me, even though I was the one who asked him not to. What I am trying to get inside my head, is that it doesn't matter whether he contacts me or not. Me, healing is all that matters. I think I'm making progress! Right now, it's all about me!

[lylat333]

I can't help but feel that part of the things that make me feel better equipped for a situation like this are mostly rooted in a loss of innocence, you know what I mean?

Hmm... I try not to look at it in a cynical way but I think I know what you're trying to get at.

 

There are 2 big things I would have done differently knowing what I know now: Early on, when my ex drunkenly made out with another guy, I wish I would have left to go back home and not spent the rest of the weekend with her and backed out of our plans for bowling with other friends that night. Then I wish I/we would have set clear boundaries for there on out and I think we could have avoided a lot of problems and insecurity.

 

The second big thing is I wish we wouldn't have remained in our limbo period for so long. I have to admit there were at least 2-3 months she clearly wanted to get serious again but I never felt secure enough to commit. Even though I think we both knew the limbo period was bad, I allowed us to stay there for too long. When I tried to get out of it, that's when everything went wrong and we truly broke up and she stopped being in contact with me. Did I allow myself to get too attached? Maybe. But I thought we really loved each other. I didn't know she was capable of dropping me like she did and that's part of why I have been in so much hurt. I put her through some hurt too but I never shut her out or anything like that. I truly listened to her when she communicated with me all along.

 

I'm curious from reading you say you are better prepared, so I wonder if it's in the face of your legitimate shortcomings but also the other part, a sort of disenchantment?

 

For me I don't see it so much about the disenchantment. I'm still a romantic at heart and hope for a great relationship someday. I don't expect it to be happy all the time or anything like that... but I will open up my heart again and allow myself to love deeply even though there is some risk in that. I hope to find someone who has learned from their own experiences so we can really be on the same page and be able to develop a strong sense of trust with each other.

 

"Power" does play a very important part of relationships. But in a healthy relationship, it's a balance of power, when it's a bad relationship that's when it becomes the power struggle. I remember with my other ex there were many times when one of us tried to be sweet, the other got cold. It seemed like we had such a hard time allowing ourselves to give unconditionally to each other. There are some lyrics from a Tears For Fears song that really spoke to me years ago: "When one of us is making, the other is taking... When one of us is trying, the other is lying."

 

I do wonder though if the positive feelings will prevail, what do you mean in your case? Do you mean the respect and dignity for you will recover, or simply that she will forget the reasons for the break up?

I fear my ex saw me as a weak man at the end of the relationship. My hunch is because of life experiences she's had, she really wants a man she feels secure with, and I was not being that man. She loved the man I was when I first met her... not expecting anything to happen and not trying too hard. I had a fulfilling life outside of her and for most of the relationship I think I would have handled it OK if we broke up. But as time went on, I got more and more insecure. And at the end I was a wreck. I hope that after all the silence she will think of me being that person I used to be.

 

She also told me to my face the last time I saw her she was worried I wasn't going to be able to help myself from contacting her like I did my other ex at times. I think she felt she was never going to be able to get rid of me completely. With NC I feel I am proving to myself and her I can go indefinitely without giving in and contacting her.

 

I don't think she will forget the reasons we broke up. But I don't think she was thinking of all of the positives I had to offer that kept us together. You can't think of everything all at one time, and at the end I know she was only thinking of the negatives. So I think NC will allow her to miss my better qualities she may have taken for granted or will have a hard time finding in someone else. She probably could easily find someone who doesn't seem so needy and insecure as I did at least at the end, and that will be the biggest thing for her. And I think she will respect the fact I went out with dignity and refused to relegate myself to the friend-zone. I know at least 2 of her other exes text her on occasion, and she ignores them. I'm never going to be that kind of person.

 

I was at a trivia night tonight, lot of emotions. Saturday nights are the hardest, I always assume she's either out and about or doing a house party thing. I'm still in a bad enough place I root for any and all local sports teams to lose so any guys around her will be that much unhappier. (another confession of mine)

 

But just a bit ago on TV I was watching Saturday Night Live and heard a joke that made me feel really uncomfortable but made me thankful I'm not with my ex anymore. The insecurity got pretty bad at times... and it would just be so, so nice to find someone that doesn't ever make me feel like that. It also makes me miss my other ex SO much... at the trivia night I thought about the time she came too and how I would just kill or give anything to go back to those days. But I know pretty much all of these emotions exist only because I haven't been able to find someone. I know I just need to focus on continuing to do what I'm doing, be patient... and when those good days finally come hardly any of this is going to matter.

[lylat333]

Hello again to anyone following.

 

Things have changed noticeably since I last posted. I am thinking of my ex far less. Seems like I went from thinking of her 99.9% of the time at the beginning to barely ticking down by maybe a percent each week.

 

Now it feels like it dropped from 85% a week or two ago to down to less than half the time.. like 20% if that. I don't feel depressed very often anymore either.

 

I was fortunate enough to be a part of a Halloween party last Friday, and while nothing in particular happened and I wasn't able to meet anyone new, my ex barely crossed my mind and I made it through what was actually the hardest holiday for me, the one I had been dreading. I really struggled before thinking of her and her friends dressed up in their "sexy" Halloween costumes and partying. But I don't have to picture that anymore, it's passed. Now Thanksgiving and Christmas are on their way, and ironically those are the holidays that will bother me the least. Because *I* have already made peace with the fact that my ex and I are done, and if the holiday season is going to be difficult for either of us it will be her.

 

I can't say I'm completely over her as I will miss the good times for the foreseeable future but I am so looking forward now. I'm working out/exercising regularly and finally able to enjoy the small things I used to be able to and that means the world to me. I've been really productive at work the past week which has also boosted my morale.

 

I still cringe more than ever to think about looking at my ex's profile, no I'm not OK with seeing her move on but I'm OK with that so long as I don't have to see her move on. I just assume it is happening without having to witness it. I feel so much better not being anywhere in my ex's picture. Obviously it's what she wants, and she cannot place any blame on me hampering her life. Today just so happens to be 100 days post-BU I think. (wow!) My desire to contact my ex has been at rock-bottom for quite a while now and I've remained content with that.

 

It was raining this morning outside and as kid I loved rain, but anytime in the past 2 years when I've been single rain depressed me. This morning was different. I am able to have an optimism about the future even when there is nothing in the works. I have been able to find so much peace in myself and with how I'm living my life. I wake up every morning believing I'm doing all the right things and giving myself the best chance for a happy future.

 

I never thought I would get better but I'm working on it. I haven't been on LS as much either.. and I'm fine with that too. But believe me, I'm not gone for good and I *will* be back when I make my big breakthrough!

[lindsay1990]

Hey Lylat!

 

So good to see you in a good place, I was thinking literally this morning about this thread and thought maybe you were in fact feeling better, so yay! Keep going steady and we are here if/when you come back, hope to hear some more good news

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel lylat. I hope you find someone who you share an even deeper connection with than your ex. That's what I'm hoping for, someone out there HAS to be better than her. Glad you're starting to feel the rain and not just getting wet.

 

My ex was at a Halloween party too and you're right once the day passes you get over it.

[lylat333]

Hey Lylat!

 

So good to see you in a good place, I was thinking literally this morning about this thread and thought maybe you were in fact feeling better, so yay! Keep going steady and we are here if/when you come back, hope to hear some more good news

 

Thank you! I hope you're doing well too. If anything significant ever happens, this thread will be among the first to hear about it.

 

Good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel lylat. I hope you find someone who you share an even deeper connection with than your ex. That's what I'm hoping for, someone out there HAS to be better than her. Glad you're starting to feel the rain and not just getting wet.

 

I feel like it's obviously possible I can and should meet someone I connect deeper with... in fact I've sort of known that all along but I still loved my ex and thought it should work with her.

 

First there was the coincidence of lindsay thinking of this thread this morning but that is the craziest thing you said, "Glad you're starting to feel the rain and not just getting wet." because I JUST read that on quote on an image on Facebook not even 5-10 min. before posting here! I was scrolling through the feed of an old neighbor of mine, she posted it at least a week or 2 ago. At first I wasn't sure I understood what it meant but it's starting to hit home to say the least.

 

I did almost get the chance to meet a girl I've known of for a long time and who had always piqued my interest but it didn't work out to get her at the Halloween party I was at. She used to be roommates with one of the other girls who was there. I'm not really planning on pursuing it anymore as it was always a bit of a longshot but just the idea of getting to meet someone like her was exciting. There were a couple of days last week that FLEW by because I was in such a good mood... just knowing there is a chance for things to turn around no matter how slim.

[Mariposa10]

Hey Lylat!

 

So good to see you in a good place, I was thinking literally this morning about this thread and thought maybe you were in fact feeling better, so yay! Keep going steady and we are here if/when you come back, hope to hear some more good news

 

I was also thinking about OP this morning. You are gifted when it comes to talking about your feelings. I truly admire that. Hopefully someday I will be able to express myself as good as you do!!

 

and yes, keep us updated!

[lylat333]

I was also thinking about OP this morning. You are gifted when it comes to talking about your feelings. I truly admire that. Hopefully someday I will be able to express myself as good as you do!!

 

and yes, keep us updated!

 

Well that's probably one of the nicest things anyone has probably ever told me, Mariposa. My ex made me feel like I cared way too much about my feelings and overthought things... and I probably do sometimes but it's really nice to hear what you said... really appreciate it.

 

A minor, slightly strange update also... just a moment ago I got a Facebook notification because of a comment someone made w/ the same last name of my ex. She commented on a photo from last year I was tagged in my ex's sister uploaded. Her comment was, "Good picture. Is the guy on the left still in the "picture"?" (me) So... you wouldn't think it could be too obvious my ex is seeing someone but who knows. I went to my PC and clicked to unfollow notifications from the photo so I won't have a clue what else is said, if I am untagged or if the photo is deleted or whatever. Not going to try to read into it as positive or negative, just move on with my evening as normal.

[lindsay1990]

Definitely with Mariposa on this one. You're really self-aware man and not just for a guy ha.

 

 

 

Good move on silencing the notifications, and if you're gonna read anything into it, I would read that maybe the girl might think you're cute, ha. Otherwise it's a little weird to just ask if some random guy is still in the picture idk. Ha, I mean if it's sincere concern I would be a little discrete about it so yeah. If you're goona think anything, think the flattering!

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Haha that is a bit of a coincidence I don't use Facebook!

 

Yeah I love reading your posts because it inspires me to read into my own emotions. The way you write down your thoughts I can find more answers to what I'm feeling and I've read the whole thread so I'm happy to hear you're doing much better.

 

She must not talk to that girl much if she doesn't even know if you're still in the picture or not.

 

Strong of you to ignore it and unfollow, props man. See I hope I get that strong too, I keep checking her Twitter oops.

[Mariposa10]

Well that's probably one of the nicest things anyone has probably ever told me, Mariposa. My ex made me feel like I cared way too much about my feelings and overthought things... and I probably do sometimes but it's really nice to hear what you said... really appreciate it.

 

A minor, slightly strange update also... just a moment ago I got a Facebook notification because of a comment someone made w/ the same last name of my ex. She commented on a photo from last year I was tagged in my ex's sister uploaded. Her comment was, "Good picture. Is the guy on the left still in the "picture"?" (me) So... you wouldn't think it could be too obvious my ex is seeing someone but who knows. I went to my PC and clicked to unfollow notifications from the photo so I won't have a clue what else is said, if I am untagged or if the photo is deleted or whatever. Not going to try to read into it as positive or negative, just move on with my evening as normal.

 

It's true, your posts have always caught my attention because of how aware you are when it comes to your feelings. It's admirable!! Sometimes reading your posts helps me understand how I'm feeling!

 

It was really wise of you to unfollow that picture. Kudos to you!! I'm really proud of you!

[lylat333]

Well, I just did something I shouldn't have. I started to type in the names of one of my ex's close friends on Facebook out of curiosity to see if her profile picture had changed. It had... then I click on it, caught a glimpse of part of her cover photo and it looked like my ex was in it. I satisfied my curiosity and of course she was, as well as my ex's roommate whom I despise... all 3 of them in their matching Halloween outfits.

 

My heart started racing... I start to feel miserable... and now... I'm thinking it's time to move. I've toyed with the idea but never thought about it too seriously, I wanted to stay where I live for at least another year but I'm really not very happy and I really feel like I need a change and get away from all of these negative triggers around me. I don't want to run away from my problems, and maybe it won't even help but I just feel like SOMETHING needs to change. I've spent my whole life, 27 years living right in the middle of a state I don't feel I belong in.

 

So... I'm going to mention the idea to my parents and maybe get the ball rolling on selling my house. I can live with my parents temporarily if I ever need to. And I will start looking for work somewhere else. I want to get out of here, if I could flip a switch and be done with it today, I would.

 

As improved as I have been, the breakup really tore me apart. And it kills me to not see any remorse from my ex and not understand it at all. And there is no way in hell I will stick my neck out to contact her. I'm nowhere near that point and it's really hard for me to imagine I ever will be.

 

Thank you for all the continued support... I know I'm still reeling from what I just did because it was only 10 min. ago or so but I don't want to keep living like this. I feel like I need to show I can move on and get away.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

what was it that made your heart race, seeing your ex and the roommate or the costumes?

 

the moving state is a good idea, it's a shame you can't meet someone who lives further and meet new people in that state through a hobby.

 

your ex won't show any remorse she'll off completely rationalized the break-up in her mind, the mind is ****ed up thing.

 

i'll post tonight about my ex, how checking her twitter helped me move on and what really happened, if you can remember my original thread. might be an interesting read for you because checking her twitter has had the opposite affect with me.

 

i'm just loving myself at the minute, more than my ex.

 

lylat i care about how you're doing and i don't even know you.

Edited November 12, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[lylat333]

Thanks man. Thankfully the Halloween outfits weren't even that risque... I can see the photos were taken in my ex's basement and I don't think it would have gotten too crazy seeing as my ex's friend's young child was there.

 

It gets my heart racing mostly because I really loved her. I really just can't handle looking at her or thinking about her much because of how confused I remain over the breakup despite my efforts to be in NC and move on.

 

I even got the crazy notion to contact my ex to let her know I'm planning on moving soon, and try to open up the door again. Because none of it will matter soon anyway. But I doubt I will do it. Maybe I will contact her right when I'm ready to move for good, maybe I won't. I'll probably let her figure it out for herself I'm gone.

 

Glad to hear you're doing better. Care about you too.

 

I just feel I need to write a new chapter in life, try to get as clean of a slate as I can. I still feel a lot of regret over my original ex and it's been over 2 years since we broke up. I'm tired of waiting for something to change... I'm switching gears and deciding to go proactive on this.

[BC1980]

Thanks man. Thankfully the Halloween outfits weren't even that risque... I can see the photos were taken in my ex's basement and I don't think it would have gotten too crazy seeing as my ex's friend's young child was there.

 

It gets my heart racing mostly because I really loved her. I really just can't handle looking at her or thinking about her much because of how confused I remain over the breakup despite my efforts to be in NC and move on.

 

I even got the crazy notion to contact my ex to let her know I'm planning on moving soon, and try to open up the door again. Because none of it will matter soon anyway. But I doubt I will do it. Maybe I will contact her right when I'm ready to move for good, maybe I won't. I'll probably let her figure it out for herself I'm gone.

 

Glad to hear you're doing better. Care about you too.

 

I just feel I need to write a new chapter in life, try to get as clean of a slate as I can. I still feel a lot of regret over my original ex and it's been over 2 years since we broke up. I'm tired of waiting for something to change... I'm switching gears and deciding to go proactive on this.

 

I get where you are coming from. I feel that I need a big change in my life too, and I have always wanted to move. The ex and I were always planning on moving at some point. The only thing holding me back is that I would like to get vested in my company, so I can take my retirement with me. After that, I'm definitely not sticking around a place that I didn't want to be in the first place.

 

A change of scenery and people, a new adventure is what I need.

[lylat333]

I get where you are coming from. I feel that I need a big change in my life too, and I have always wanted to move. The ex and I were always planning on moving at some point. The only thing holding me back is that I would like to get vested in my company, so I can take my retirement with me. After that, I'm definitely not sticking around a place that I didn't want to be in the first place.

 

A change of scenery and people, a new adventure is what I need.

 

Funny you say that because that was the exact same reason I was holding back. If I keep working where I am for another 13 months I'll be vested... but right now I really don't care about that, it's not worth waiting another 13 months, at least not for me.

 

Sad thing is I don't even think I'm right in the head right now. Doesn't matter what I do, deep down I am very depressed. It's not all because of the breakup... just very disheartened with how my life is gone despite how hard I've tried. I see moving away as the drastic measure that maybe, just maybe will help me. It's a big step... It's a little scary to think about moving away by myself and living out of state for the first time and have to start a new circle of friends from scratch.

[me85]

Lot like my situation. Except my ex is a dirtbag who can't be trusted and wants to go flirt & eventually screw other women.

 

People on here are right. DON'T PUSH. I made that mistake, begging and begging & not giving him room for 3 days straight after he had already made up his mind.

 

Turns out it was a complete waste of my time to pine for him and miss him because he's already involved with other girls and apparently done with me (but says he is still keeping the engagement ring he's been paying on for me) Oh what a nightmare!!!

 

You sound like a good person. Just let your ex come to you. I'm certain it will happen sooner or later. For now just occupy your time with other things as much as possible.

[lylat333]

Thanks... but I haven't been pushing for over 3 months now. Would be nice if she came back, but I don't believe it will happen.

 

More of an update on what's been going on today - not only did I scroll through the recent feeds of all my ex's friends, I also used my alt Facebook account to visit my ex's profile. For the first time since I blocked her which has been over 2 months now.

 

There's no public evidence she's been seeing anyone else, not much to note at all really. I even did what was previously unthinkable and finally read through some old messages between us. Why I don't know. I could never bear to look at them but today I just feel like I'm so ready to move on with my life and I really don't think there's anything I could see that would bother me. I feel pretty much dead to the whole thing.

 

I was surprised at how lacking our messages were the last few months we were in contact. There was always something bothering at least one of us. No I love you's... just a lot of spinning the wheels. I had to go back pretty far to get to the pet names and the I love you's... which inevitably touched me a bit and didn't particularly hurt me to see. I just deleted everything, though... so there is no way for me to ever see any of the emails or messages we have ever sent each other.

 

Then I started a message to my ex. I was thinking about typing something out, give it at least a day and if I still desired to send it I would unblock her and get back in contact. I was going to come here and ask if that was a horrible idea. But I'm already deciding against it. I'll admit, I do still want to hear from her. The message would not be at all about me trying to get back together or anything like that. Just opening the line of communication again and letting her know where I am and I'm planning on leaving. Then I remember this is the person who shut ME out. Who told me she didn't find me attractive anymore, and started ignoring all my attempts to reach her. I feel like I have to be the one to open up communication again because it's not in her personality to break the silence.

 

I really don't want to break what I've had going. I think I'm committed to waiting until either the end of the year or until it comes time for me to move and I send a parting shot. I don't know. Right now I just want to sleep the evening away... I cried in the car on my way home for lunch which I have not done in a long time. Just going to keep hanging on.

[BC1980]

I don't know that I have much advice. I'm pretty much in the same place. I'm not terribly depressed, but I get sad a lot of the time. It's not even just the person, but you loose all the hope of a planned future. The thought of starting over with someone else seems exhausting at this point and too much of a risk.

[BC1980]

I wouldn't send her any message right now because you seem at a low place emotionally. In a way, I feel like you should eventually send her a message, so she can put the final nail in the coffin for you. I know that sounds cruel, but it sometimes takes that. I hate to give you any advice to contact her, and I know a lot of people will disagree. That being said, contacting her probably won't get her back, so just be prepared.

 

I think about contacting my ex, and it seems like it would just cause more heartache on my end at this point. Also, we were in LC for 4 months, so my situation is somewhat different. My situation is bad because it's easy to fall into a trap of holding onto false hope. I keep reinforcing, to myself, that it's over, and he won't come back. Honestly, I would rather have an ex, like yours, who slams the door shut and never looks back. My ex left me to actually put the nail in the coffin, and it's not fair that I had to do that.

[lylat333]

I don't know that I have much advice. I'm pretty much in the same place. I'm not terribly depressed, but I get sad a lot of the time. It's not even just the person, but you loose all the hope of a planned future. The thought of starting over with someone else seems exhausting at this point and too much of a risk.

 

I think I know what you mean. On the one hand, I really want to be in a loving relationship again. On the other hand, my spirit is broken.

 

They say someone will eventually come along who will show you why it didn't work with anyone else. How I wish that were true.

[lylat333]

I wouldn't send her any message right now because you seem at a low place emotionally. In a way, I feel like you should eventually send her a message, so she can put the final nail in the coffin for you. I know that sounds cruel, but it sometimes takes that. I hate to give you any advice to contact her, and I know a lot of people will disagree. That being said, contacting her probably won't get her back, so just be prepared.

I am at a low place and I know that. Hypothetically, if I did message her I would try to buffer against her deciding to either ignore it or give me a cold, twist the dagger response. My goal would be for both of us to disarm drop the tough person act and level with each other. But I know it's very possible I would never hear the things I've wanted to hear all this time, like any sign of remorse.

 

I think about contacting my ex, and it seems like it would just cause more heartache on my end at this point. Also, we were in LC for 4 months, so my situation is somewhat different. My situation is bad because it's easy to fall into a trap of holding onto false hope. I keep reinforcing, to myself, that it's over, and he won't come back. Honestly, I would rather have an ex, like yours, who slams the door shut and never looks back. My ex left me to actually put the nail in the coffin, and it's not fair that I had to do that.

I don't know, I've heard people say that but I promise you it's not fun to never hear anything. To end on such a sloppy phone call is an extremely tough pill to swallow and be left feeling like you have no idea what really happened... what they may have lied to you about and what was really going on. It really messes with you, but I know it's not good to be strung along either.

 

After continuing to think about it, I really doubt I will ever contact her. It needs to be her. Granted it may help really show me that it's over and accomplish some sense of closure but it would prevent me from achieving other goals. I would feel like I "lost" as silly as that sounds... I know contacting her would serve as a big relief to any guilt she may carry and honestly I don't want to relieve her of that burden.

Edited November 12, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

Let me assure you that I have no sense of what really happened either, and we talked about it a lot. I think he would say the same thing. He kept changing his reasons, and it seemed like he was grasping at straws to give a reason for something he didn't really understand. Even when I have felt they I had a grasp on what happened, I still feel bad.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I wouldn't contact her. If the only good reason is to know for sure it's over, well you will know know in time. If she doesn't contact you around Christmas it's gotta be over. That's a sentimental time of year and not a good one to be alone. Thankfully I'm spending it with my little sister and it's going to be awesome.

 

I'd rather keep my dignity and not contact her. Besides if she finds out you've left town you will never get that contact will you? Even if she wanted to contact you she will think it's pointless by then. If she doesn't know you've left there's still a chance.

 

At this point though do we even want them to contact us? It better be a damn good reason because any other reason looks like they couldn't do better...

.