Need help, really messed up...

[Steel-RayVin]

I apologize in advance, its my first post and i am also a bit scatter brained.

 

My wife of 10 years (been together 15 (We are 30 BTW)) told me in May that she was unhappy and wanted to separate. I had a job that was insanely demanding and I was trying to keep up so I could keep my job. Because of all of the stress from that I became distant and took it out on her. I never wanted to hurt her I was just trying to take care of my family under the circumstances. We separated about 5 years ago for a similar reason. I had a job that kept me on the road 5-6 days a week and got deployed for the army national guard. The physical distance got to her and we separated then. We reconciled and ended up having our 2nd and 3rd child.

 

I have asked her for counseling and she says I should have thought about that earlier and that she has no interest in going. She said she is moving forward with or without me. She has applied for low income housing and will be moving out once a spot opens up. She said when she leaves she will still be over every day to get the kids off the bus and will be there until they get tucked in at night. She said she doesn't know what she wants. She says that she may get out and figure out that it was the worst mistake she has ever made or that she is better. I cannot fully understand it. She has had multiple people reach out to her asking her about counseling or trying to work on things and it just seems to irritate her more than anything. I have been personally working making changes to myself, changes that I should have done before all this started. I also have been doing the love dare to, if nothing else, help show me where I may have gone wrong.

 

She tells me that she does love me and hates hurting me. We still kiss and hold hands, occasionally we are intimate. She has said that she wished I hated her, then it would be easier to leave. We have been going on dates every couple weeks. She says that she feels like she doesn't deserve me or what I have been doing for her. We got on the conversation of me finding someone better. I told her I had no interest in anyone else and that no one would want someone like me. she told me that I have all the qualities women want, smart, funny, hard working, dedicated.. its so hard to hear that coming from her. She said just wants to be on her own. I told her that I believe that when you love someone, truly love them, that you are willing to endure what ever for that person. That I had hope that she would want to give us a chance and that I want that.

 

looking back, I feel like she has been hanging out with her single or not married but attached friends and has decided that she doesn't want to have to worry about anything except her and our kids (x3) like they do. They come and go, do whatever they want and either don't have someone to come home to or don't care about the one they have.

 

I am just lost and broken with all of this. I don't eat, I either can't sleep or I can't stay awake, I throw up all the time (not by choice), I don't care about anything else except working on my relationship, I hurt all over. I take care of my kids. My oldest (11) seems to be lashing out at her now. He wont talk to either of us about it but thats what it seems. I force myself to go to work and be somewhat functional. I come home and we talk and interact. We took the kids to a amusement park yesterday and had a good time. We don't fight. Sometimes we talk and cry, sometimes we talk and she ends up mad (usually because I end up repeating things over and over without knowing it) and occasionally she will take shot at me (verbally). I get that shes hurt and I try not to make things worse. I even went so far as to ask her to go to personal counseling and she had no interest.

 

Another big issue I have is that I am alone. I moved to Ohio from Florida to be with her and I really do not have many friends up here. The ones I do have, I don't always feel like I can reach out and talk to them. I have one friend who I can say anything to and she will take it and tries to help, but like everyone else she has a life besides me so I try not to take all of her time.

 

I really do not know what to do. I read over the 180 things but I am not wanting to do that right now. Like I said, I'm very scatter brained and this whole thing has got me so screwed up I can't think straight. I just know that I will do anything for a chance to work on things. I wont quit or give up on her or us, even though us really does not exist right now.

 

Please be easy on me, don't bash me too hard.

Edited August 5, 2013 by Steel-RayVin

[revitup]

Define "became distant and took it out on her" as you stated you did to her.A little more inf is needed here to understand her side.

 

Sorry to see this thing happening to you and your family.

 

REVITUP

[Steel-RayVin]

When work became overwhelming I shut down. I closed up and tried to deal with all of the stress and anxiety on my own. I stayed locked in my own head trying to deal and was not giving her the attention she wanted. I would work anywhere from 8-14 hours sometimes and come home and found it difficult to turn off work. Every time my phone would make a sound I had to look at it because if I missed something major, I would be fired. Ultimately being closed off because of stress caused me to more or less lose that job (I was given a final written warning and suggested to find another job).

 

I tried to confide in her that I was doing the job of 4 people and it was defeating me and I thought she understood.

 

She has told me that she is tired of worrying about me and everyone else and she just wants to worry about herself for a while.

 

She hasn't asked for a divorce or disillusionment either.

Edited August 5, 2013 by Steel-RayVin

[revitup]

It's hard to know what makes a person seek to find themselves like this.Maybe a new interest at work or a connection from the past.It can be a mid life thing as well.

 

You can only make positive changes for yourself at this point.You should stop putting yourself down "no one would want someone like me" will not work.No woman wants a man that nobody else wants just as no man wants a woman that no other man would have.Stop feeling sorry for yourself and show only strength and determination when talking to her.

 

I worked at jobs that were the same way,many hours and stressful beyond comprehension.It all seemed like a blur at the end of the day sometimes.It still doesn't give a woman a valid reason to discard her man if she loves him.

 

You say you two don't argue.Have you ever argued?If not,there is only one person doing all of the thinking.Which one was it?

 

It will be difficult to act as if it is all ok with you,but you must do just that.You are in a position of weakness at this point.Only she knows what is really going on in her head and she is keeping it a secret.Acting as though you are going forward and actually making positive changes in your own life will make you feel better and look better to her or maybe someone else.

 

Bottom line is that you can't force someone to love you.Women don't leave someone they really love.Women will leave when they feel they have settled for less than they deserve.

 

I would stop the pity party immediately and eat right,get plenty of rest and become the best man you can be for yourself.Don't do it for her,do it for you.In the weeks ahead there will be more information to come out about the real reasons for her changes.

 

Keep us updated.

 

Good luck

 

REVITUP

Edited August 6, 2013 by revitup
spelling

[Steel-RayVin]

We have had plenty of arguments over the years, i am just not trying to start a crap storm with this.

 

I got a letter from her yesterday telling me that she has feelings for a guy she used to see during our first separation. She said he is not the reason she asked for the separation but that she is going to explore that option when she moves out...

 

I told her that I knew once she left she would never come back. She said, "you don't know that, no one knows what is going to happen. I may find out I made a huge mistake and want to come back. That would open the door for you to be happy again. All I know is right now this is what I am going to do". She keeps telling me shes sorry and that she hates hurting me. I cant help but hold onto some hope that she will want to come back. It hurts so bad......

[revitup]

Those who hurt us knowingly,are not sorry for doing so.

 

Stop dreaming about how she is just confused.She has her mind on another man and you are second fiddle.She wants to hold onto the lily pad you represent while jumping onto another one.If she does not like lily pad (OM) then she wants your lily pad to be available for her safe return.

 

If you allow her to treat you this way,she will lose all respect (if she has any left) for you as a man.Do not allow this woman to dictate to you how she is going after her fantasy with this dude while you sit around in a pool of self pity.It will never work.

 

You will never feel the same about her even if she comes back after trying this other man out for a while.

 

You have one shot and that is to go 180 and LC.You can't win by being her doormat.No woman will love a man she does not respect and no woman respects a doormat.

 

Cut her off today.Get your own personal plan together and follow it no matter how hard it is to follow.

 

It's now that you have a crossroads in front of you.The choices are difficult no matter how you decide.You alone are the master of your fate.You are better than this but the F.O.G. has you confused.

 

Fear

Obligation

Guilt

 

Time,180's and LC will lift that FOG.Then you will look back and be amazed at how you were blinded by "love".You will never be in this situation again either.You will emerge stronger.

 

She had a plan a long time ago.You have none.You are playing catch up in this nightmare.The longer you are in denial,the longer the recovery process will take.

 

Start being the man you were designed to be in the beginning.Be that man for you,not for her. We see things you don't at this point and we are warning you of the possible pitfalls.Bet smart and open your eyes to what she is saying to you.She is not saying she wants to work on this at all.Take her words as truth.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

"I may find out I made a huge mistake and want to come back. That would open the door for you to be happy again."

 

Is she saying that coming back to you-after test driving another man and not liking it, would "open the door for you to be happy"? That's plain wrong and Narcissistic.

 

It wouldn't make me happy to have my STBXWW test drive another dude's junk and then "open the door to my happiness" it would make me laugh that she thinks she could open any doors for me.

 

Do not hesitate to go for NC/LC and 180's immediately.Remember that your best thinking has brought you to this point in your relationship,it's time to switch approaches.

 

REVITUP

[vla1120]

Take care of yourself! You're a good man who works hard to provide for his family. She wants to relive her social life before kids. Let her go do it. She has everything to lose. She'll realize that one day soon. Hopefully you will have moved on, stronger, with eyes wide open! Don't look back.

[karnak]

She was probably already involved in an affair with this dude she wrote about.

 

She had this planned for a long time.

 

Don't fall for her tricks.

 

She's just taking things slowly in order for other people not to see her as a whore. Things wouldn't look nicely, in social terms, if she left you and started living with the other guy in the next day, right?

[Steel-RayVin]

@karnak - We have talked and she told me that the reason she asked for a separation was not because of him. That it was only here recently that she wanted to see that as an option. I understand where you are coming from though...

 

I try to pick myself up but I get dragged back down. Even if I am at work, if I find a couple minutes to let my mind wander I end up having to walk outside to break down. This whole situation has me depressed, sad, angry, confused and just plain screwed up.

 

I know this is going against things I have read on here so bear with me. We were going out with the kids about a week ago and I reached over to hold her hand. She said she wished I hated her, that it would make her decision to leave easier. She said she hates the thought that she is hurting me and could not understand why I even want to stay with her after everything she has done to me. I told her (don't bash me on this please) that my love does not break, it does not diminish and it does not faulter. That True love to me means being willing to endure what ever life throws in your face, no matter how many times you get dragged through the lava, broken glass or anything else, it endures. I told her that I was sorry for the hurtful things I have done in our marriage (distance, trust issues, dealing with depression, early in our relationship I lied about something significant). She asked if I thought she enjoyed hurting me, I said no. I have seen her break down enough to know this isn't enjoyable for her. She said she is tired of taking care of others, worrying about what they thought or wanted, being strong for everyone else and that she just wants to be selfish and weak right now. And that if her doing so screwed everything up and she ended up alone that it was all her fault. She has taken responsibility for breaking up our family, hurting me, and changing the future we always talked about...

 

Like I said, some days are OK, others its difficult to do anything. I hurt all over all the time. Its a constant reminder of what I am going through. Since I don't have many friends its hard to get things off my chest. That was the reason I decided to join this forum and try to figure out how to get my head on straight. I may get bashed for trying to stay hopeful for reconciliation but so be it. She said the other day that if we were to ever try again we would have to start all over, and I agreed with her. There is too much baggage from the past that keeps some of these issues alive. The baggage is what has caused this issue and finally broke things apart.

 

A little on her - dad has been incarcerated for 25+ years, mom just got back into her life after 20 years of being away, lived with abusive grandparents, she needs alot of attention because of these issues. Not like stalking me around the house and city needs but time each night for her. I let work and career take too much of that time and it pushed her away..

[revitup]

You can't "push away" a woman who knows you are working for the family.You are at the mercy of a woman who is blame-shifting you into denial and guilt.You can't see clearly right now but one day.....

 

You see my friend,those of us here have already tried the "blue pill" and we know where it takes you.We choose the red pill now.

 

You can't know how much it hurts me to see you take your "I'll stay the course" direction but I do understand.

 

Baggage-How much (more) baggage will you have after she has lived with another man?Will that help or add more baggage?

 

Everyone will be here available to help you.You will need it soon.I hope you understand no one wants to be mean to you,just honest.

 

REVITUP

[Steel-RayVin]

You can't "push away" a woman who knows you are working for the family.You are at the mercy of a woman who is blame-shifting you into denial and guilt.You can't see clearly right now but one day.....

 

You see my friend,those of us here have already tried the "blue pill" and we know where it takes you.We choose the red pill now.

 

You can't know how much it hurts me to see you take your "I'll stay the course" direction but I do understand.

 

Baggage-How much (more) baggage will you have after she has lived with another man?Will that help or add more baggage?

 

Everyone will be here available to help you.You will need it soon.I hope you understand no one wants to be mean to you,just honest.

 

REVITUP

 

 

I know everyone wants to be honest. I have just seen some on here who are more aggressive with their stances on certain things. I was just reading a thread where the person said they wanted to work on their marriage because they did not want to be a failure. For me it is genuinely out of love. I know she is not perfect. I know she has her demons she has to deal with and maybe thats why I see things different. I think it hurts her sometimes to know that I love her. I really hope that she does find that the grass is not greener and wants to start from ground zero. For me, right now, I am struggling with mental stability in all of this, as I am sure most people reading through these things have been. You can tell how all over the place my first post was, it was one of those talk yourself off of a ledge days. She tends to shut down (be strong) so she doesn't have to feel all the pain, I cannot shut down like that, not for something like this. One of my few friends told me that I love too hard and that I give it everything and thats why I hurt so bad. Even if I become distant because of work or depression, my feelings never change, they just get clouded in lifes BS.

 

I do appreciate anyone who gives me advice or reaches out for this. I don't know how many people have been in this exact situation but i am sure plenty have been close enough to know where I am coming from.

[revitup]

Your sincerity breaks my heart OP.I wish I could just shake you a little and have you wake up.

 

I see this,your wife had an awful childhood and never knew love.She most likely does not love herself .She also (most likely) sees any attention (good,bad or abusive) as being love.She has to have deep emotional scars and you need to know you did not do it and you can't cure it or change it.

 

The best way for you to help her is to get out of her way and let her fall.While she is falling (and she will) you need to be getting stronger personally.That way you will be strong enough to possibly help her when she hits the bottom.

 

The real deal is, as you get stronger in your own boundaries and values you will no longer tolerate this type of behavior from anyone in your life again.This means the new and improved you, will avoid her and others like her, like the plague.

 

 

REVITUP

[Chi townD]

In my opinion (and you're not going to like it) she wants out of the house and out of the marriage so she can pursue this other dude without any interference from you or the kids. To live the single life and have this guy come over at anytime and without worry about you or answering to you.

 

I don't know too many women that would willingly leave the family home AND her kids unless she had something else set up or planned. Normally, they try to force the man out of the house.

 

So, the only thing that makes sense is my first paragraph.

[Steel-RayVin]

She has said that she wanted her own place because then she could to go and do what she wanted, go and stay out without having to answer to me when she strolls in at 5am. I already had the same thought process as you Chi townD before I knew about the guy.

 

Its hard for me to fully understand all of this. I got down on myself and was telling her that no one would want me and she said you have qualities most women would kill to have. Your loyal, hardworking, funny, you take care of your kids and family, you have a good job, your not abusive... its like then WhyTF don't you want that? If it is such a great list of traits, then why?

[Chi townD]

Okay....make it known that when she leaves, that's it. She wants you out of her life, then that's exactly what she's going to get. The only communication that you will have with her is about the kids and the kids ONLY. In fact, every time she calls, LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL!!! if the message warrants a return call, then don't call...you text it and you make it as business like as possible.

 

When she leaves, you change the locks on the door. She no longer lives there. She's established residency somewhere else that you can prove in court, you should be well within your rights (but check with a lawyer for your state). Then, start making changes in the house. New paint on the walls, take down all photo's of the "family" and pull up ones with just you and the kids. Move the furniture around or get new furniture. START MAKING THAT HOUSE YOUR OWN!!! She'll see that you're removing anything about her from the home. She'll start seeing that she left the house, but anything left behind; the memory of her is being pushed out.

 

Then, you need to focus on you and the kids. For you, you need to join a gym and GO!!! Push weight and run your ass off on the treadmill. This will help you burn off stress and frustrations that you're having. PLUS! You be working towards that rock hard bod that women are definitely gonna notice. Get a new hairstyle. Something people are going to like and notice. Then, buy new clothes, be totally GQ 24/7. Make her wonder what YOU'RE doing! Don't be an asshat towards your Ex, just be indifferent, like you don't have a care in the world.

 

Then you be the best Dad you can possibly be to your kids and don't let her push you around with them. Remember, YOU ARE THE PRIMARY PARENT!! Text her, "Hey, taking the kids camping for a few days. See ya!" or "Hey, taking the kids to Disney World for a few days. I'll have them call you when we get to Florida" Let her see the tight bond that you're forming with your kids. Let her get jealous of the good times you're spending with them that she choose to miss out on because she's valuing the single life over her kids.

[Steel-RayVin]

Does this ever get easier? I feel like this is never going to end...

[vla1120]

Hang in there, Steel Ray. You mentioned two things that alerted me. 1. She told you she wished you hated her so it would be easier for her to leave. In other words, she wants you to be accountable for her actions. Don't buy any of that crap she is selling. 2. You said she had a rough childhood. I'll put anyone's childhood up against mine any day. I hate to hear people use that as an excuse. Again, she needs to be accountable for her own actions. Don't give her the benefit of using a tough childhood as an excuse to behave badly.

 

I just started posting out here, so I'm just learning about the 180, NC, and LC strategies, but it sounds like you REALLY need to employ them. Just wrap yourself up in your kids. Make them feel safe and secure in their knowledge that their Dad is a stable, reliable rock for them. You're a good man who needs to concentrate on getting yourself through this. It might not get easier for awhile, maybe even a long while, but I'll bet NC will take you a long way on the road to healing when she can't mess with your head at will.

[Chi townD]

Does this ever get easier? I feel like this is never going to end...

 

Yep! it does get easier when you take your life BACK! Look, we all live our own lives. We make a choice on who we SHARE it with. But, our Ex's aren't our world or our lives.

 

You need to reclaim your life. Start living your life for you and your kids. I strongly suggest you start making those changes I mentioned.

[revitup]

OP said-

 

@karnak - We have talked and she told me that the reason she asked for a separation was not because of him.

 

WW ALSO said....

 

I do

 

For better or for worse

 

In health and in sickness

 

Til death do us part

 

To love

 

To honor

 

To cherish

 

WW is not being faithful to her prior commitment to your marriage.She is telling you she hates hurting you as she continues hurting you!

 

She is not to be trusted when it comes to what she says about the other man.No woman is going to tell you the whole story and be found out by all around her as being a a loose woman.Well maybe no woman anyway.

 

The hardest part is to ONLY look at her actions.Focus on what she has done not what she is saying.She may not even believe herself at this point.I think the wayward ones will actually throw stuff at us to see how far they can blind us and how we react to it.The more blind we act the more they throw that junk.

 

She is most likely afraid too.She is weighing her options "after the hand has been dealt" you are ALL IN.She wants to peek the other player's cards first,then pull back her ante if she has picked a losing hand.You are in this til the pot has been drug down.Do not allow her to "cheat".

 

Yes,it gets way way better.It gets better only after you let go of everything and allow her to fall or fly.You can fly my man,you're just nervous now.Everything seems like a dream in the beginning.You are simply reacting as we all did at first.After you stick around here and read some posts for a while,you will find the EXACT same story in another OP's stack.

 

What happens, happens to us all.

 

People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

 

Life gets better when you do.

 

This too,shall pass.

 

You will be ok my friend,you ask some good questions here.Some do it just to appear as healing.I think you want to see the truth,not just appear to see it and continue on a losing hand.

 

REVITUP

Edited August 9, 2013 by revitup
spelling

[Steel-RayVin]

She said I am being selfish by being pushy about working on things. That everything I say is "I" want us to work on things, "I" want to make you happy... I cant deny that looking at the conversation I was saying "I" alot. its just hard when "I" want to do for her.

 

She finally broke down about how scared she is and that she does not really want to leave but that she is afraid that if she stays things will not change. I will go back to working alot, ignoring her because of work/studies, she will be here by herself all the time and even when I am here I wont be. Shes scared to leave her house (the house she grew up in), to live on her own (neither of us have ever done that), to have to work and live off of 1/10th the amount of money she is used to.

 

I know it sounds bad (and parts of it are) but she really is a great woman. She just closes up and hardens herself which makes it feel like shes being spiteful. It's when I finally get her to open up that I see that shes hurting too.

 

on a side note, I am taking 2 of my 3 kids with me to Florida for a week to see my family. That should give us some space and time to stop thinking about things...

 

I am staying hopeful that she sees how hard things are and wants to try again. If someone comes along and is willing to take me as I am, I don't think I will be as hesitant as I once was, although I'm not looking.

 

Call me stupid, dedicated, faithful to a fault, or insane but thats me..

Edited August 9, 2013 by Steel-RayVin

[revitup]

I bet if you said...

 

I hit the lottery

 

I am giving you a million dollars

 

I am buying you a new car

 

I am getting you a mansion on the hill

 

Or anything of the sort,that it would be ok to use "I".

 

She is mind-@#$!ing you man!

 

Believe it!

 

REVITUP

Edited August 9, 2013 by revitup
Spelling and error

[revitup]

Selfish?

 

There is nothing selfish about looking after yourself in order to provide for your family!If you do not take care of yourself,who will? It sure won't be her.

 

I have seen this movie before,do not fall in the trap of her mind games.

 

I know you feel like if you take all of the blame then you can regain control and fix it.Here is the truth....You were never in control,she was!

 

It's all a game with her now,do not allow anyone to cause you shame or guilt....including me!

 

Think for yourself and make a decision or she will make it for you.It will not feel good if she makes it for you,no matter what it is.Go to Florida and see all of the beautiful women on those beaches you are saying "no" to in order to be abused by this woman.

 

You have options,maybe you want nothing to do with a woman now,that's ok....just do not let your WW know you are unavailable to other women or available to her either!

REVITUP

[revitup]

Oh yeah,

 

PUSHY ?

 

NOPE but Heck NO you are not being "PUSHY".

Assertive yes.

 

I like saying the word "PUSHY' It makes me feel naughty a little:cool:

 

PUSHY out....

[brightday]

Okay - this is my first post on this site but I felt compelled to give you my opinion as I am in the same position as your wife. The situation is different (I have no OM waiting and I would never leave my kids). But, I am the one that filed for divorce, 6 weeks ago. We've had issues for years, and two years ago we were at the crossroads. I wanted out and he wouldn't hear of it. I finally agreed to give it one more chance and I did.(I knew we had both made some terrible choices in the marriage and I loved him and didn't want to end things with any doubts) I gave 100% to the relationship. After two years I have realized that the more I tried to make it work the less effort stbxh put into it. So I made the decision to file and it was the hardest decision of my life. I understand the feeling of being tired of taking care of everyone else and always putting the feelings of others first. So selfishly, with the exception of my children's needs, I am trying to find the person I wanted to be and the mother I know I can be. In the mean time we live in the same house, in seperate rooms. He still does not want divorce and goes from angry to pitiful within minutes. The daily "I can't live without you, I miss you so much" and "This is literally killing me" conversation just makes me want to get away from him as fast as I can. When you love someone so much it is hard to imagine your life without that person but no woman wants the responsiblily of having your happieness completely in their hands. I believe that the person you are married to should complement you, not create you. Once she sees that you can function, and probably thrive without her she will start respecting you again which is important for the kids to see even if you do not work things out. If this is just a test for her to see if life is better with or without you then she'll see you in a new light and probably want to try again with the new and improved you. If she's seriously done with the relationship then nothing you do will change her mind. The other posters here are right, quit begging. Quit expecting her to magically change her mind. And quit interpreting that there is hope just because she may not be a b***h all the time. Try the 180, I can't tell you if it will work since my stbxh hasn't tried it but I do know that what he's(and you) are doing isn't working.

 

And do you really want her to come back to you just because she can't "make it" on her own? It will never last unless she proves to herself she can live without you but she chooses not to. That is just my opinion though.

 

I do hate that you are going through this but the fact that you are a hard worker and a responsible father tells me that you will be better for this experience no matter what the outcome is. Good luck and stay strong.