Same old cheating story... but with a slight (sexless) twist

[startingover1028]

I've been reading here for a few days, hoping to find a situation similar to mine... and although they are all similar, I have yet to read of anyone in quite my same situation. Let me explain.

 

My husband and I (of 15 years) have a group of couples that we socialize with and have for the past 7 years or so. One of the husbands (married over 20 years) and I have flirted off and on for almost that entire 7 years.

(Neither he nor I have ever done anything like this before)

 

Sometime in January of this year, we started e-mailing each other. We 'talked' this way every day, our conversations getting progressively more and more 'suggestive' until last June when we finally had an opportunity to be alone. That time alone lasted only 10 minutes, but we did kiss and hold each other. After that, our talk became even more heated - with our conversations becoming VERY descriptive and with talk of future encounters. About a month later, he was confined to home for a few days and we weren't able to e-mail each other. Once he returned to work, I noticed a "coolness" in his tone and when I asked him about it, he told me that he had time to think and realized that we had gone too far too fast and that he didn't want to risk his family, security, or respect by continuing our relationship the way that it was. We agreed to turn down the heat but to remain friends and keep e-mailing. We did. But, we also continued to see each other because of our social ties.

 

Well, about three weeks after that, he was all hot and ready again, saying that he could deal with it and we would just take it one day at a time. Like an idiot, I bought into that and decided to give it another go. We started off slowly, but after a few months, he started calling me at home, "just to hear my voice" and he would make plans to get us all together so that he and I could be together. Still no sex. During all this time, we have spent no more than 30 minutes alone together (a total of maybe 7-8 times) but continue to e-mail everyday, sometimes 20 -25 quick e-mails a day. (he has been very romantic in his e-mails which, according to his wife, is very uncharacteristic of him)

 

A few weeks ago, it got pretty steamy when we got together at my house one morning. We were as close to having sex as two people can be without actually doing it. Still, we were together only 30 minutes. I must tell you here that it is he who has always put the brakes on when we have been together. He is the one afraid to 'go all the way'. His one excuse was, he was afraid that he would "want more". He was also very afraid of getting caught. I told him if we were caught, I would move out of town.

I was away for a week last month and when I returned, I noticed the coolness... again. I asked about it and yep... you guessed it, last Friday he tells me we have to stop. He says that while I was gone, he had time to think. He cites his family as the most important thing in his life. (wife, 4 kids, lots of other relatives) He also brings up the fact that I said I'd leave town if we were caught, which he says would leave him "holding the bag". He wants to continue being friends and e-mailing and getting together socially, but no more closeness between us.

 

Needless to say, I am devastated. After the first episode, I was sure that he was certain he was able to handle this because I had constantly asked for reassurance... and had received it from him. This just seems so out of the blue. What has me baffled is that (and here is the twist) WE NEVER EVEN ACTUALLY HAD SEX! We have been "talking" for almost a year but no sex. I don't understand how a man can have such good control. Now I feel really upset because, first, I let down my guard after all this time and now have developed feelings for him and secondly, (what pisses me off the most) I didn't even "get any"!

 

Why would he not want to have sex with me? Why does he keep changing his mind and backing out? I know he won't leave his wife but he knew I was willing to make this a long-term "affair". I am completely baffled.

 

I have not checked my e-mail account to send or to see if he has sent me anything and I won't as long as I can maintain control of myself. I realize it's only been a few days but so far, I have been pretty strong. I know that I will waiver and hope that when I do I will find something to keep me strong. (I keep thinking of what a fool I have made of myself)

 

I just don't understand why we never actually had sex. (other than many, many times via e-mail) Did the "cyber-sex" fulfill the same need and once he had his fill of that, then it was enough for him? Any ideas about this? Anyone have a smilar situation or can shed any light?

[bluechocolate]

If the cyber thing is a fantasy then he's not looking for reality or maybe it's as far as he's willing to go with cheating on his wife right now, but chances are that will change in time. Just keep yourself aware of the consequences.

 

He was also very afraid of getting caught. I told him if we were caught, I would move out of town.

 

The two of you are messing with partners & friends not just yourselves. If you're willing to move out of town if you're caught why don't you leave your husband? Then at least two of you are free from worry.

[startingover1028]

I think I am more willing to leave my husband than he is to leave his wife. Funny thing is... when this first started I thought to myself... "This will be a great sex-capade, but I don't want to end my marriage over it." The thing is, I think it helped me realize that there are things missing in my marriage that I don't think can be rekindled... passion, sexual desire, etc, etc. (these are things I know now that I really want in a relationship)

 

He did say in his last message to me that we would be destroying a lot of lives if we kept this up. Sounds like a level headed guy, right? Well, where the heck were those thoughts 2 months ago when he was sucking me into this web?!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am wondering how you would feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him in totally disrespecting your spouse and your marriage.

Does your husband deserve such respect and humiliation from you. Are you willing to risk losing your marriage of 15 years over this. Do you care about your marriage at all? It seems that this OM cares more about his marriage that you seem to care.

Why are you willing to humiliate your husband this way? Again would you want him to be kissing and wanting sex from another woman that you socialize with?

This is such a double betrayal. You need marriage counseling desperately. Try a new concept and try being honest with your husband so you can start recovery in your marriage. Would you want your children to act the way you are acting when they married?

[startingover1028]

Having thought about this for quite a bit over the past few months, I have to say that no, I don't think it would devastate me if my husband were doing these things. I no longer feel the love for him that I once did.

 

I did not set out to disrespect my husband or ruin my marriage and I bet if you ask anyone here who has found themselves in the same situation, most would say the same thing.

 

I don't feel good about the situation I'm in and I am embarrassed that I should have the feelings that I do, considering I am a mature, intellegent, level-headed person.

 

My husband and I are both in counseling.. just not together. I do not believe there is any hope left for our marriage. I am past the point of wanting it to work for so many reasons other than just my "infidelity".

 

I didn't post here to be made to feel guilty or remorseful. I get enough of that from myself. I was hoping to find some help in my closure of this relationship.

[ButterlfyKisses]

Well it seems to me that he doesn't know what he wants. It sounds like it is easy for him to be tempted into this relationship, but whenever he has some time away he gains some perspective and realizes that its wrong. I think you should let him go. Stop the emails, stop the short encounters, just let him live his life with his family and be happy. And maybe it's a good thing that you never had sex, now neither of you will have that hanging over your head.

 

For you, I think it time to call the lawyer. It seems like your marriage has been over for some time, and that means its time to move on, so that you and your husband can find happiness again. If you are willing to leave town, that might not be a bad idea. Have an adventure! Go move somewhere new and get back in touch with yourself. Change can be so exciting, and you'll be so busy you'll foget all about your silly emails with old whats his name

[DazednConfused]

Hello Starting....

 

While I don't have a whole ton to add, I have to check on what always bothers me about the unfaithful partner in the marriage.

 

when this first started I thought to myself... "This will be a great sex-capade, but I don't want to end my marriage over it." The thing is, I think it helped me realize that there are things missing in my marriage that I don't think can be rekindled... passion, sexual desire, etc, etc.

 

I see this often in the post of people in your position, and my wife has confessed to feeling this way during her affair as well. Psychologists refer to this as the "fog" of addiction. The affair partner reawakens many feelings that may have gone dormant in a long-term relationship i.e. your marriage. Since you become so enamored with your affair partner, your relationship with your husband pales even further in comparison because you are no longer putting any effort into your feelings for him. In fact you are probably even resisting feeling anything good for your husband because you are afraid of the further guilt you may feel for hurting him so.

 

My wife now confesses to a clarity that is shocking to her in its brilliance. She simply does not understand how she allowed herself to become so blind to her family. Once the other person (male biped over the age of thirty, but certainly not a "man") was removed from the equasion, the "fog" lifted, and she has a far better grip on what she really wanted in the first place; more attention from me.

 

I just wanted to give you some food for thought, and recommend that since your affair partner is wanting out, that this is a perfect opportunity for you step out of the "fog", and try to see clearly without the emotional blinders on. Make this decision with complete clarity.

 

Good luck to your husband and family.

 

-Dazed

[TMCM]

You said that you were devastated when the OM rejected your sexual advances for a third time, well what did you expect from a man who is cheating [he is cheating] on his wife? Why are you expecting to find a diamond in pig manure?

[Owl]

Dazed hit it dead on the money...my wife has made almost the exact same statement. She simply cannot understand why she did what she did looking back. So now, whenever I try to talk with her on the subject, she feels so guilty and ashamed she really can't hardly bear to discuss it. I think everyone's hope is that you'll do your utmost to get clear of the OM BEFORE you make any decisions on how you feel about your husband or your marriage.

[Ladyjane14]

You have a 7 year history with the couples that you "socialize' with, and yet you do NOT refer to them as 'friends'. You are apparently unaffected at the prospect of ruining their lives.

 

You have a 15 year history with your husband, but 'don't think it would devastate you if your husband were doing these things'.

 

You seem to have disconnected with the people around you. The exception being this one married man who you are putting your energy into.

 

Have you given any thought to why that might be? Talk it over with your counselor a little bit. Sometimes it's easier for us to make NEW problems for ourselves than to deal with the original ones. You could be evading the real issues.

[startingover1028]

You may have hit on something Ladyjane14. I do feel somewhat disconnected, at least from my husband. I also think that my involvement with this other man really drove a greater distance between us (husband and I). I never saw that coming. We had issues with intimacy prior to this but never to this degree. I suppose it is a decision that I will have to make for myself, regarding where to go with my life now.

 

My therapist is always telling me that, at best, I probably have another 30-40 good years left and that I should live them to the fullest... striving to make everyday "all A's". Right now, I feel as if everyday is somewhere between a D minus and an F... So..... It has to get better from here!

[Moose]

My therapist is always telling me that, at best, I probably have another 30-40 good years left and that I should live them to the fullest... striving to make everyday "all A's". Right now, I feel as if everyday is somewhere between a D minus and an F... So..... It has to get better from here!

 

K, well, where do you think you'll do more of your work to improve your grade? Are you going for an A in your marriage, or are you going for an A satifying your needs and desires in a selfish manner?

 

True happiness can be found in a marriage, even a damaged one. Once the repairs are done, you'd be amazed at how much strength can be gained.

[startingover1028]

I'm planning to give my marriage some time to recover. I want the "dust to settle" from this situation I have created and then I will take another look at my (and my family's) feelings and needs. I also have a child to consider.

 

I think that one has to have a sense of selfishness in life, to some degree. If you are not happy/fulfilled/content, with a sense of purpose in your life, then what kind of living is that? I wouldn't suggest that anyone stay in a loveless marriage because it is the "right thing" to do. Because of my unhappiness, my husband and child are feeling the effects. We may all be much better off, in the long run, by my moving on.

 

Not all relationships are meant to last forever, even though I realize those marriage vows are mighty powerful words. None of us goes into our marriages thinking that it will ever be over. I certainly didn't.

 

But, when both parties have tried and failed, there comes a time when "goodbye" may be the kindest alternative.

[Moose]

I'm planning to give my marriage some time to recover. I want the "dust to settle" from this situation I have created and then I will take another look at my (and my family's) feelings and needs. I also have a child to consider.

 

That's good to hear. Although, watching the dust settle and not taking action to face what caused this and taking the neccessary steps to avoid it again means it could come back to haunt you. You say that you're going to take another look at what you and your family's needs and feelings are. Are you going to ask where your husband stands as far as this marriage? Does he know that you've tried to have an affair with another man? How would your child fair to having part time parents?

 

I think that one has to have a sense of selfishness in life, to some degree. If you are not happy/fulfilled/content, with a sense of purpose in your life, then what kind of living is that?

 

When you said, "I do", to your vows, that should've been a commitment from you that your purpose/happiness/fullfillment/contentment would be spending the rest of your natural life being a helpmate, and being 100% faithfull to your partner. If you didn't mean it when you said it, you shouldn't of gotten married to begin with.

 

I wouldn't suggest that anyone stay in a loveless marriage because it is the "right thing" to do. Because of my unhappiness, my husband and child are feeling the effects. We may all be much better off, in the long run, by my moving on.

 

The only exception to abandon a marriage is if your spouse cheated on you, or is causing physical harm to you or your children. That's just my opinion. Too many people take the, "Easy way out", and use this, "Loveless marriage", BS as an excuse to be lazy and selfish. It's not your child's fault that you didn't take your vows seriously, or that you once believed you loved your husband, and now you don't know.......but you'd leave him anyway regardless on the damage it would cause to her/him. Selfish.....totally selfish.

 

Instead, whip out your wedding pictures. Love letters, photos of activities you shared, pictures of the child when he/she were born.....rediscover that which you lost. Communicate with you husband about your feelings then, and your feelings now, and what caused them to waver. Rebuild the constitution you agreed to in front of God and other witnesses. You want a good grade....that's how you'll get it.

 

Not all relationships are meant to last forever, even though I realize those marriage vows are mighty powerful words. None of us goes into our marriages thinking that it will ever be over. I certainly didn't.

 

But, when both parties have tried and failed, there comes a time when "goodbye" may be the kindest alternative.

 

All I can say to this is that I haven't seen or read any evidence that either of you have tried. A relationship that wasn't meant to last forever should of been decided upon before you agreed to marriage. If there was any hint or doubt, then marriage should've been avoided. If you did believe, ( At the time ), that you could last forever, then be the better person and stick it out. You can find hapiness again with your husband. It just takes some effort, don't be lazy and don't give up on your chance to have a great life with your family.

 

Believe me when I say that there has been every reason in the book, and then some for my marriage to fail. And yes, I am bragging when I say that we pulled out of that nose dive and repaired what seemed a complete loss and failure. We are stronger now by 10 fold, and I sincerely hope that your marriage will be too.

[startingover1028]

You say that you're going to take another look at what you and your family's needs and feelings are. Are you going to ask where your husband stands as far as this marriage? Does he know that you've tried to have an affair with another man? How would your child fair to having part time parents?

 

My husband is not aware of my "almost" affair. I'm grappling now with whether I should tell him. He is more than willing to make the marraige work but I can tell that he is not happy either. I am sure a lot of that is based on my attitude and distance from him lately.

Our child would never have part-time parents. Even now, in our current, married situation, we take turns/evenings spending time with our child. I don't anticipate anything changing there.

 

When you said, "I do", to your vows, that should've been a commitment from you that your purpose/happiness/fullfillment/contentment would be spending the rest of your natural life being a helpmate, and being 100% faithfull to your partner. If you didn't mean it when you said it, you shouldn't of gotten married to begin with.

 

I have to disagree. People do change. People grow apart and no longer have feelings for each other. Are you saying that two people should stay together just because they said they would... regardless of their feelings or needs? In my situation, we are both pretty miserable right now and I am sure that our child must sense this. We don't argue but I'm sure the coldness between us is obvious.

 

I do see your point, and if you had asked me 15 years ago my feelings on marriage, they would have been identical to yours. I guess I have changed. I have tried to imagine myself in this situation for the next 30 years and, quite frankly, it depresses me to consider it.

[Moose]

Are you saying that two people should stay together just because they said they would... regardless of their feelings or needs?

 

I'm saying that if two people exchanged vows in front of God and witnesses that they should honor that covenant and stand by what they said. Yes.

 

Not regardless of their feelings and needs, but because of them.

[tanbark813]

So, basically, you're upset because a man who cheats on his wife turned out to be unreliable. Wow, that's a shocker.

 

It sounds like it was just an ego blow for you to have him turn you down for sex.

[startingover1028]

It sounds like it was just an ego blow for you to have him turn you down for sex.

 

...and it wouldn't be, for a man?

[tanbark813]

It would, but we're more used to it, so it wouldn't have as much of an effect. But whenever girls get turned down it really throws them for a loop.

 

[tiki]

You are having an emotional affair with this man. The sex is not there but it's still an affair. Face it. It's the truth.

 

When the two of you are away, he realizes that he can indeed live without you. You come back and he's distant. Then over time, he wants you again. It's classic.

 

Lose the guy. Give your husband 100% and THEN tell us how your marriage sucks. But right now, it looks like you've got your sights set on another man. And that's not fair to your husband. You owe him the full 100%. Quit playing him for an extramarital emotional affair that will never amount to anything but heartache. You can't give your husband your all when you won't give him your all. Quit fooling yourself.

[Ladyjane14]

Tiki is right in everything she's telling you. The best way to get over the OM is to establish NO CONTACT. And then to involve yourself to the fullest extent in your real life.

 

You know, my marriage was at one time completely dead. And now we're on the other side of that and very happy together, so it's hard not to be a cheerleader for staying married. It's like witnessing this wonderful place and you don't have words enough to describe to other people.

 

But the reality is that not everyone can get there. You may, or may not, but you'll never know if you're messing around with someone else's husband and not your own.

 

You aren't really even in a place to make a decision on your marriage. You have that much personal work to do. It's obvious that you've had this total 'disconnect' from your life. You need to find out what that's all about before moving forward, otherwise you're just exacerbating the problems.

 

I noticed that you and your husband are going for separate counseling. Is that on separate issues, or for your marriage? Will you be going together at some point? Has the counseling been effective for either of you? If not, consider changing therapists.

 

I think it's okay to be "selfish" about some things. This is NOT one of them. You have an entire family to consider here. So, get yourself healthy before you make decisions that will affect you all.

[Joyce]

You should be thankful the OM did not want to take it any further. You said you already have enough guilt and remorse. You would feel a lot worse if it had gone further. I wish I could go back in time and stopped my affair before it had became physical. In fact I would give anything to have the OM reject me or ignore me. My life would not be the hell it is now.

 

Affairs are addictive. It's hard to let go of someone that you had such a strong attraction and connection with. The OM meant enough to you to risk loosing your family over. It will take time to heal your heart from having him out of your life. I understand how you feel but believe me you are better off without the OM.

 

You really do need to decide if you want to be in your marriage or not. If you do then tell your H what you have done. If he decides to stay with you then the honestly will bring you much closer. It takes a lot of hard work but it is possible to rekindle the romance and intimacy you once had.

 

If you decide you don't want to be married to your H. Ask yourself why? Don't leave because you think you will run off with the OM and live happily ever after. It never works out that way. If you want out of the marriage it needs to be because you will truly be happier without your H.

 

I don't think your marriage will work if you just let this slide and pretend nothing happened or if you just give it time and see what happens. You will be much happier in the long run if you set your goals now and decide what you want out of life. Don't let your H sit on the sideline as a backup plan just in case no one better comes along.

 

I really don't know you and I don't know what your feelings or thoughts are. I am not here to judge. Just like many other people in LS I have been in your shoes and I know how hard marriage can be. Good luck. Hang in there.

[startingover1028]

I noticed that you and your husband are going for separate counseling. Is that on separate issues, or for your marriage? Will you be going together at some point? Has the counseling been effective for either of you? If not, consider changing therapists.

 

It was my choice not to enter into couple therapy. I didn't want to have to "come clean" with my affair and I didn't really (still don't) want to go through the motions. i find that it is helping me and he seems to feel better having someone to confide in.

 

I think my marriage hit the skids over12 years ago when our child was born. We focused all of our energy into the child and none into our relationship. At the same time, I realized that I never really felt a "spark" for him. I married him because he was stable and honest and kind and I knew he would make a wonderful father. I had "been around the block" and felt that I had had my share of 'intense attractions' and that what I needed was something less intense and far more stable. I guess I was just fooling myself to think that I would be happy giving up the passion and intensity for the rest of my life.

 

This other man brought those dormant feelings to the surface... helped me feel emotions that I had not felt in years. I know now that I DO need attraction and chemistry and passion and sex and intensity in my relationships.

 

My husband has an admitted low sex drive. I do not. I thought that I could put other things ahead of those needs and sacrifice for the good of my marriage and child. I'm not so sure that I can do that any more.

I thought, at the time that I started this (with the other man) that I could satisfy those sexual needs outside my marriage (with him) while keeping my marriage together. That had been my original plan... Stupid, huh?

[Owl]

Sounds to me like you've already made the decision not to tell you're husband, not to attempt rebuilding your marriage, not to make any attempt to salvage your marriage even though you stated that your husband "would be more than willing" to work on your marriage. You've pretty much decided to leave it at a status quo, continue on with the OM regardless of the damage it does to your marriage. You've admitted that some of the coldness in your marriage is due to that, but you're not willing to do something about it.

 

So what advice/help/suggestions are you looking for here. You've pretty much stated you're not willing to leave the OM and try to work on fixing your marriage first, contrary to what everyone here who have been in similar situations have recommended. So what are you hoping to get out of your posts here on LS? You may find a few people who will provide some sympathy for you, but if you're not going to try to work things out, you'll find that not everyone is going to agree with your decisions.

 

Take a look at all the posts you've received from all of us providing advice (which is what we assumed you wanted). Then go back and take a look at each of OUR stories, and see what we've been through. If you want to repeat those mistakes, by all means drive on. But stop and think about what it was you really wanted to get when you came here.

[TMCM]

It seems like your marriage has been lacking intimacy [the mutual sharing of your deepest thoughts and feelings] for quite a number of years. Your emotional need for passionate sexual fulfillment has gone unmet and you've let your husband erroneously beleive that it is a non-issue between the two of you. Yelling, threatening, or demanding that he remedy the situation is not going to work, but if you were to tell him about your affair, it will most certainly throw him out of off his complacency rocking chair and force him to deal with the issue that has the potential for destroying the marriage. If he truly loves you and cares about you and the marriage, he will do his best to satisfy your need for passionate sex.