Same old cheating story... but with a slight (sexless) twist

[Moose]

Originally posted by startingover1028

It was my choice not to enter into couple therapy. I didn't want to have to "come clean" with my affair and I didn't really (still don't) want to go through the motions. i find that it is helping me and he seems to feel better having someone to confide in.

 

I think my marriage hit the skids over12 years ago when our child was born. We focused all of our energy into the child and none into our relationship. At the same time, I realized that I never really felt a "spark" for him. I married him because he was stable and honest and kind and I knew he would make a wonderful father. I had "been around the block" and felt that I had had my share of 'intense attractions' and that what I needed was something less intense and far more stable. I guess I was just fooling myself to think that I would be happy giving up the passion and intensity for the rest of my life.

 

This other man brought those dormant feelings to the surface... helped me feel emotions that I had not felt in years. I know now that I DO need attraction and chemistry and passion and sex and intensity in my relationships.

 

My husband has an admitted low sex drive. I do not. I thought that I could put other things ahead of those needs and sacrifice for the good of my marriage and child. I'm not so sure that I can do that any more.

I thought, at the time that I started this (with the other man) that I could satisfy those sexual needs outside my marriage (with him) while keeping my marriage together. That had been my original plan... Stupid, huh?

 

Then you know what you really need to do in my opinion?

 

COME CLEAN with your husband. Then, let the man go, he deserves better than what you did to him. You used him for your own selfish needs. Then, don't marry again. Ever. It's obvious the only person you think about is you. So it may be in the best intrest to leave your child with him too.

 

Sorry for being so harsh, but that's what I gathered from you. You can be forgiven though and I hope he does. But if you have no intentions of supressing your own selfish desires, and put your family first, let these honorable people go. You don't deserve them.

[Joyce]

Startingover1028,

 

Every marriage hits a point where the passion and intimacy hits a low point. We all would love our marriage to stay just the same as it did in the beginning but it doesn't work that way. I can understand how you love the passion the OM Brings but you should ask yourself why it brings that spark? Is it because it's something that your not supposed to be doing? Is it because it's fairly new? Is it because you love this OM?

 

Even if you left your H today to be with the OM the passion and spark would eventually fade. It never stays as exciting as it is in the beginning. Working and rekindling those feelings are very important but there is also so much more that goes along with being in a committed relationship. Follow your heart and soul not your sex drive.

 

I hate to sound harsh but yes you are crazy to think you can have your cake and eat it too. This will eventually catch up to you and it will tear your life apart. Please listen to Owl and read our experiences we have all been in a similar situations in one form or another.

 

Only you can prevent further heartache and damage.

[startingover1028]

Maybe I haven't been clear. The relationship with the OM is over. We have had no contact in a week and I do not anticipate ever going there again. So, once this initial pain and emptiness from the loss of that fades, I will be in a better position to reevaluate my marriage.

 

As unhappy as I have been in my marriage, I have still decided that I will stay in it until I can no longer live this way. I do know what the "right" thing to do is. But the "right" thing to do is not always the best thing for everyone.

 

I know, at some point, I will come clean with my husband about the "affair". I don't think I will name names but I do think he has the right to know what has happened. It will help to give him some closure and perspective on where my feelings have been.

 

I appreciate everyone's advice and candor. Thank you.

[tiki]

Originally posted by startingover1028

I know, at some point, I will come clean with my husband about the "affair". I don't think I will name names

 

Coming clean means coming clean. Don't hide anything from him, you've done enough of that. He deserves to know! He will probably DEMAND to know 'who'. I can't blame him, and I think you might would want to know 'who' too.

[Moose]

Originally posted by startingover1028

Maybe I haven't been clear. The relationship with the OM is over. We have had no contact in a week and I do not anticipate ever going there again. So, once this initial pain and emptiness from the loss of that fades, I will be in a better position to reevaluate my marriage.

 

As unhappy as I have been in my marriage, I have still decided that I will stay in it until I can no longer live this way. I do know what the "right" thing to do is. But the "right" thing to do is not always the best thing for everyone.

 

I know, at some point, I will come clean with my husband about the "affair". I don't think I will name names but I do think he has the right to know what has happened. It will help to give him some closure and perspective on where my feelings have been.

 

I appreciate everyone's advice and candor. Thank you.

 

I admire your willingness to stay in it. But please, try to make it work. Don't go into it with the preface that you're only staying until you can't bare anymore.....that's the wrong motivation.

 

Also, if you come clean right away, it will help you to get over what you deem as a loss, and could save you alot of sleepless nights.

 

You're on my prayer list.

[Joyce]

I feel sorry for your H. I would not want my spouse to stay with me only until they can't handle it any loner. He has no idea how you feel. Wouldn't you want to know if he was the one that felt this way? You must not want to try to work on things. Everything you have said about marriage is negative. Most people don't realize they feel this way until they have made too many mistakes and it's too late.

 

You say you know what the right thing is.. well I guess that means different things to different people. To me that would mean making myself happy. If I am not happy no one else around me is happy. I would not say that the right thing is being miserable, leading your H on until you can't stand it anymore.

[Owl]

Guess everyone has to do what they feel is right...

 

I agree with Joyce...if you're not going to be honest with your husband about how your feeling, what you're going through, and what you've gone through, then you're not being very fair to him. My wife seemed to feel the same way for a while about our marriage. I'd also like to reiterate Moose's comment too...coming clean means COMING CLEAN. There is no way any husband I've ever known is going to quietly sit there and let their wife tell them that they just had an affair...but don't worry about who it was with.

 

My thought is that you should tell him NOW...because at this point in time, you're suffering from withdrawl due to your break up with the OM. You may as well break the news to your husband now, and both be miserable at the same time. That way, in a few weeks, once your withdrawl starts to wear off, and if your husband still feels like there is something left in your marriage to salvage, you both can begin to work TOGETHER on repairing your marriage.

If you think your husband won't sense your depression, hurt, etc... during this time of withdrawl, then either you're sadly mistaken, or you need to get the heck outta this marriage anyway!!! I've been on his side of things...trust me, you CAN'T hide that kind of emotion.

 

If you're not willing to come completely clean with your husband over what has gone on, then file for divorce, because honesty isn't a value that you hold dear, and it HAS to be a basis in any relationship. You've already been dishonest with him, and if you don't see the need to BECOME honest, then there is no hope anyway.

[marleygirl]

Originally posted by startingover1028

Having thought about this for quite a bit over the past few months, I have to say that no, I don't think it would devastate me if my husband were doing these things. I no longer feel the love for him that I once did.

 

I did not set out to disrespect my husband or ruin my marriage and I bet if you ask anyone here who has found themselves in the same situation, most would say the same thing.

 

I don't feel good about the situation I'm in and I am embarrassed that I should have the feelings that I do, considering I am a mature, intellegent, level-headed person.

 

My husband and I are both in counseling.. just not together. I do not believe there is any hope left for our marriage. I am past the point of wanting it to work for so many reasons other than just my "infidelity".

 

I didn't post here to be made to feel guilty or remorseful. I get enough of that from myself. I was hoping to find some help in my closure of this relationship.

 

 

If you don't love your husband then why are you staying with him. You're keeping him, and yourself from finding a fulfilling relationship. Let him get on with his life and get on with yours. It's selfish to keep him as a backup when you don't love him the way he deserves to be loved. Get over yourself and think about someone else's feelings for a change. Cheaters are so gutless.

[billy2020]

hello Starting over As a guy that has just recently been cheated on. I feel you have been given a gift. The man you had some good times with just couldn't do it. He didn't want to hurt his family. He saved you from some pain and your families as well. In my situation my spouse told me she just went crazy. She wanted me back so bad, but she could not get past the cloud shrouding her judgment. Give it time, remember all the good times you have had with your husband. Think of the things you may have thought to cause your straying from were your loyalties belong. A little self analysis. If it doesn't work out, you can hold your head up high and say you really did try. AS a metaphor: If your flat broke you don't rob a bank. Its a against the law. Your a very lucky person to have had such a relationship with a person that knows right from not right. many men would have been glad to sleep with you. They wouildn't even think of your hurt after the deed was found out.

 

My therapist has said to me women don't recover from an affair as easily as a man. the guilt never really goes away.