I walk alone.......

[TaraMaiden]

I exercise, I read and study. These things do for me what Buddhism does for Tara. They make me the best possible me I can be. A lover is another human being that has a mind of their own.....I can't predict or control that and once I become close to that person I have to deal with what they deal with too.

Come on now people, stop pretending its easy to keep things together when we are dealing with serious relationship issues with another human being. Its never easy and we really do have to ride the emotional waves as we work to move forwards in the relationship. The truth is that all serious couples fight and most relationships/marriages fail.

Well done to the people who have actually managed to keep the love alive despite all this.

Who, anywhere, has tried to imply it's easy?

Where have we 'pretended' so?

 

IT's far from easy.

Simple things never are....

But you're confusing the 'message' again.

[L1ght]

Who, anywhere, has tried to imply it's easy?

Where have we 'pretended' so?

 

IT's far from easy.

Simple things never are....

But you're confusing the 'message' again.

I'm ramming it down your throat because you're the type of person who says that people who get caught up in the emotional struggle are weak for not being able to rise above it and basically act like an emotionless robot in the heat of a serious intense relationship.

You're advice is good for people who want to get their life back on track while they are single and working on personal development. It is not good advice for people who want a realistic guide on how to deal with realistic issues that are part and parcel of sharing their life with another human being.

[L1ght]

Who, anywhere, has tried to imply it's easy?

Where have we 'pretended' so?

 

IT's far from easy.

Simple things never are....

But you're confusing the 'message' again.

Oh and I find you completely insulting and patronising. You talk down at people as if they could never possibly be as experienced in love, life and heartache as you while you spout the kind of self help quotations I could find in any self help book.

It would be way more satisfying to me if I was conversing with another human being that has feelings and emotions while we find a common ground to relate genuine and honest experiences about what has been and gone.

Why are you even in these forums anyway? I get the feeling its all about forcing your impressions on other people so that you can make yourself feel superior instead of actually wanting to share thoughts about genuine struggle. You're not here for the struggle....you're here to make yourself feel important.

[TaraMaiden]

Your insults are unwarranted and uncalled for.

If this is the only argument you can resort to, instead of digesting the logical discussion I and others have tried to convey, then it's little wonder you are so full of resentment, bitterness and resignation about the demise of your relationship.

I have tried, in whichever way I could, to help you see sense of your own self-induced 'suffering' but you have merely fought and resisted more and more and insisted that you and only you are right, and that I am completely wrong.

 

It can't be said I haven't tried to help you see another way, but if you wish to persist in your convictions, then sadly, I can predict your personal suffering and angst will continue.

 

I wish you well, and give you my best.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

you are so bitter and you just did not even understand such a small post.

dont disrespect me! watch what you say. and you clearly dont know what you are talking about. :sick::sick::sick:

 

 

Disrepect, eh? I read it as two questions and a statement. If you'd like to bring jesus into this, i'll bring the easter bunny and santa claus.

 

I base my comments soley on pure science. You?

 

Meanwhile, back at the mental institution: "Bitter, table for

one please?" Laughable.

Edited August 10, 2013 by BrokenHeartedSavior
Sp

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

And, please don't start this "pure science" thing lol. A majority of that **** preached is based off assumptions. Evolution can't tested and observed, unless it is on the mirco-level.

 

And here we go.......

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

To make my point crystal clear:

 

This is not a religion forum, its about lost loves and broken hearts. Yes, I agree that one should use whatever "higher being" one believes in to escape pain. Be it real, imagined, conjured up, fantasy, storybook or tangeable.

 

I won't even bother arguing evolution with you.

 

Fair enough?

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Fair enough!!! I'm tired of winning those debates.

 

I just cant stand when those of the secular masses attack Jesus, or any Christian for that matter.

 

Back to the topic at hand....

 

 

Lol well I don't know about the "winning" part, but for what its worth I was born roman catholic. I'm now recovering Lol. (chill, I'm joking with you!)

 

Agreed, truce! Back to the topic.....

[L1ght]

How did this thread turn into a religious debate?

Religion is the single biggest pile of horse crap that was ever created by man. That's right, its a story written by man back in the day when we had no cameras or technology that could actually record any kind of incredible event. Where is God now that we have the technology to record and prove his existence if he decided to show up?

Oh and what makes one religion right and other religions wrong? Isn't that an ignorant belief all on its own?

People are so damn stupid when it comes to putting everything...their faith and their whole being into an imaginary bearded man in the sky. That is absolutely nuts.

I think a lot of people don't like to take responsibility for their own actions so feel the need to turn to any kind of parental figure to lay their burdens on.....God is that outlet, God is the release that people are looking for to make themselves feel safe. Talk about giving yourself a false sense of security. Absolute garbage!

Grown adults believing in fairy tales.....wow you people are nuts.

Religion is not logical and bible bashers are not welcome here in this thread cos I don't give a holy God damn about your incredibly ridiculous message.

[Oldcatskinner]

How did this thread turn into a religious debate?

 

Simple. People keep posting about it.

[L1ght]

Your insults are unwarranted and uncalled for.

If this is the only argument you can resort to, instead of digesting the logical discussion I and others have tried to convey, then it's little wonder you are so full of resentment, bitterness and resignation about the demise of your relationship.

I have tried, in whichever way I could, to help you see sense of your own self-induced 'suffering' but you have merely fought and resisted more and more and insisted that you and only you are right, and that I am completely wrong.

 

It can't be said I haven't tried to help you see another way, but if you wish to persist in your convictions, then sadly, I can predict your personal suffering and angst will continue.

 

I wish you well, and give you my best.

To quote you a few times.....

"Oh don't be such a drama queen!"

"Thousands before you have had broken romances, and thousands after you will do the same." Belittling my experiences is not insulting is it? Many people all over the world have horrible lives but that does mean that my experiences are insignificant so shut your pie hole thank you.

"If it made you feel alive, were you dead beforehand? " You just can't help yourself and will take any opportunity to put a sly dig in amongst all your preaching and it has most certainly not gone unnoticed which is why I have zero respect for you and couldn't give a crap about your message.

 

I was patient with you at first until it become clear that you didn't give a crap about what I had to say. We have an absolutely fundamental difference in opinion which is that you believe that acting like an impenetrable robot works in relationships but I completely disagree with you. It is as simple as that.

I don't believe you by the way. I don't believe you are as impenetrable as you say because I know what real relationships are like and I have seen even the most mild mannered people lose it because of the way things just go sometimes. You're speaking like a single person who hasn't had to deal with the realities of a relationship for a while.How many relationships have you had? If you've had more than one then it means you have failed in the past too so unless you have been with one guy your whole life and have the absolute perfect relationship then quit trying to make me feel incapable of maintaining a relationship myself.

Edited August 10, 2013 by L1ght

[pie2]

How did this thread turn into a religious debate?

Religion is the single biggest pile of horse crap that was ever created by man. That's right, its a story written by man back in the day when we had no cameras or technology that could actually record any kind of incredible event. Where is God now that we have the technology to record and prove his existence if he decided to show up?

Oh and what makes one religion right and other religions wrong? Isn't that an ignorant belief all on its own?

People are so damn stupid when it comes to putting everything...their faith and their whole being into an imaginary bearded man in the sky. That is absolutely nuts.

I think a lot of people don't like to take responsibility for their own actions so feel the need to turn to any kind of parental figure to lay their burdens on.....God is that outlet, God is the release that people are looking for to make themselves feel safe. Talk about giving yourself a false sense of security. Absolute garbage!

Grown adults believing in fairy tales.....wow you people are nuts.

Religion is not logical and bible bashers are not welcome here in this thread cos I don't give a holy God damn about your incredibly ridiculous message.

 

I guess we're all capable of harsh language...

 

Oh and I find you completely insulting and patronising. You talk down at people as if they could never possibly be as experienced in love, life and heartache as you while you spout the kind of self help quotations I could find in any self help book.

[JourneyLady]

I believe mostly that some people do not recognize when a bedside manner is called for.

 

There's a large segment of society who think their mantra is something like "tough love" and their main answer to everyone is to toughen up. Some of these people have Asberger's Syndrome and don't understand the deeper emotion. Some are just brought up to not feel very much. I've a teen friend who's been abused enough he is not in touch with his emotions anymore really. When he does feel them, he pushes them away. I'm convinced he's a disaster waiting to happen unless something in his life changes...

 

I went through something like the following once: I was venting about someone's insulting review of a poem and a fellow poet told me that if I was that sensitive, then I shouldn't be posting poems.

 

My answer (once I recovered myself) was that no - I did not intend to become insensitive to criticism and I had a right to feel hurt at cruelty. What I needed in order to be a poet was persistence in spite of being hurt. It being OK to feel hurt, just don't let it stop you from writing.

 

I think it's the same way with love. It's OK to be wounded and the more you gave, the more of the wound you will feel and the longer the recovery. Just don't let it stop you from loving ever again once you've recovered. Just persistence is what counts.

 

(Not persistence in THAT relationship -- which is the mistake I made! lol)

 

Persist in looking for it where it potentially exists - not where it doesn't.

[L1ght]

I believe mostly that some people do not recognize when a bedside manner is called for.

 

There's a large segment of society who think their mantra is something like "tough love" and their main answer to everyone is to toughen up. Some of these people have Asberger's Syndrome and don't understand the deeper emotion. Some are just brought up to not feel very much. I've a teen friend who's been abused enough he is not in touch with his emotions anymore really. When he does feel them, he pushes them away. I'm convinced he's a disaster waiting to happen unless something in his life changes...

 

I went through something like the following once: I was venting about someone's insulting review of a poem and a fellow poet told me that if I was that sensitive, then I shouldn't be posting poems.

 

My answer (once I recovered myself) was that no - I did not intend to become insensitive to criticism and I had a right to feel hurt at cruelty. What I needed in order to be a poet was persistence in spite of being hurt. It being OK to feel hurt, just don't let it stop you from writing.

 

I think it's the same way with love. It's OK to be wounded and the more you gave, the more of the wound you will feel and the longer the recovery. Just don't let it stop you from loving ever again once you've recovered. Just persistence is what counts.

 

(Not persistence in THAT relationship -- which is the mistake I made! lol)

 

Persist in looking for it where it potentially exists - not where it doesn't.

Lol.

My eye literally twitches sometimes when I'm tired at night and my mind creeps into thought patterns that flow towards memories of my ex. It twitches and then I feel my face tighten up as I glare into space, mouth wide open with a look of absolute disbelief written all over it. It borders on psychotic before I snap out of it and turn my attention to something else.

The days are easier now and I feel less attachment to the person herself........but the situations and the way things ended? Nah that's something that stays with you and you have to allow it all to fester in your brain at some point so you can analyse and assess what really happened and how you intend progress from it especially when you thought you had it all figured out at the time in question.

I met other women not long after splitting up with my ex but in all honesty I was just an empty shell with nothing to offer because I didn't take the time to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together again....the pieces were all over the place and I literally forgot how to show love and compassion. There is no easy fix for that.

Slowly but surely I am regaining a little wisdom day by day because I am allowing the failures of my last relationship to sink in.

Its funny though really.....I put myself out there with someone who put themselves out there for me. We had a real good thing and she walked away from it at a time when I really didn't think she would. That kind of trust in someone doesn't come along every day and it really makes you think about a lot of things when it all becomes broken.

I didn't even see it coming.

It absolutely has an affect on how I perceive potential future relationships and in all honesty I think Im gonna end up becoming a very ruthless partner who isn't interested in the sensitive aspects of a relationship at all. That's ok though cos there are plenty of women out there who like hard men.

Anyway....the fog clears a little every day and the anger becomes more controlled and refined. Some day I will put it all to good use

Edited August 16, 2013 by L1ght

[JourneyLady]

Lol.

My eye literally twitches sometimes when I'm tired at night and my mind creeps into thought patterns that flow towards memories of my ex. It twitches and then I feel my face tighten up as I glare into space, mouth wide open with a look of absolute disbelief written all over it. It borders on psychotic before I snap out of it and turn my attention to something else.

The days are easier now and I feel less attachment to the person herself........but the situations and the way things ended? Nah that's something that stays with you and you have to allow it all to fester in your brain at some point so you can analyse and assess what really happened and how you intend progress from it especially when you thought you had it all figured out at the time in question.

I met other women not long after splitting up with my ex but in all honesty I was just an empty shell with nothing to offer because I didn't take the time to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together again....the pieces were all over the place and I literally forgot how to show love and compassion. There is no easy fix for that.

Slowly but surely I am regaining a little wisdom day by day because I am allowing the failures of my last relationship to sink in.

Its funny though really.....I put myself out there with someone who put themselves out there for me. We had a real good thing and she walked away from it at a time when I really didn't think she would. That kind of trust in someone doesn't come along every day and it really makes you think about a lot of things when it all becomes broken.

I didn't even see it coming.

It absolutely has an affect on how I perceive potential future relationships and in all honesty I think Im gonna end up becoming a very ruthless partner who isn't interested in the sensitive aspects of a relationship at all. That's ok though cos there are plenty of women out there who like hard men.

Anyway....the fog clears a little every day and the anger becomes more controlled and refined. Some day I will put it all to good use

 

Funny, but I had a similar scenario. I found that I had misunderstood my partner - partly because of leftovers from my longer term abusive ex. When the new guy exhibited the same behavior, I took it to mean the same thing. Come to find out later, it was a different cause that caused him to exhibit the same behavior: (I still don't know exactly what), and he wasn't actually breaking up. But I took it to mean that and left him. I should've been more patient. I hadn't healed from the longer term ex-bf yet and went haywire on him, after it seemed he was leaving me.

 

I've been sorry ever since, but nothing I can do. We are now friends again, but I haven't been able to take this up with him. He feels so bad it seems, that he avoids it. He doesn't seem to be interested in me that way anymore either. It's a tough place to be in.

 

So yeah, I understand what you're saying. We owe it to the next person to heal fully before we go into another relationship because it has so much less of a chance if we don't figure out what went wrong.

[tinker683]

Here I am 6 months to a year after the end of something I truly believed in. I can't even tell you the exact date cos I really don't know. My life has been a blurry haze of chaos and self indulgence where I have turned to anything to help make me forget what I once had......getting into trouble, letting people down, pushing people away, being mean to the people closest to me, walking on the edge and not caring about anything.

I've been here before, I know what it takes to walk alone....everything is silent, nothing but my own thoughts as I sit alone at night. Its hard to believe that I actually used to be happy living this way in fact I once embraced it but now? Now she is gone and nothing in my world makes any sense anymore. I'm damaged goods for sure, I have nothing left to give and I'm completely spent.

I walk this path alone again and there is nothing I see as I gaze onto the horizon....nothing but broken dreams and empty spaces waiting for me to complete the void upon my arrival somewhere out there in a lifeless destination.

It won't last forever I know this....everything changes and nothing lasts forever but for now here I go in this direction on my own.

adios, farewell and goodbye to what used to be.....

 

Hey Light,

 

I don't know you or what exactly has gone on in the past several months from your life but it sounds to me like you tried doing a whole bunch of stuff to maybe block/blunt/reduce/deny the pain and now after so much time has past, the chickens have come to roost as it were.

 

Now you're at the part where you can't hide from the pain anymore, so you're awash in the sea of emotions that are overwhelming you. Of course you feel spent, you're being overwhelmed with all of your emotions and you've spent on your energy trying to avoid the pain so now you have no defense against it...the onslaught of emotion is literally drowning you right now.

 

Or at least that's my take on where it sounds like you are. If I may offer some words of encouragement though...what you're going through is normal right now and not only it is normal...but the feeling that are drowning you will begin to fade.

 

While I know you aren't Taramaiden's biggest fan right now, I do feel her Lighthouse analogy was spot on and, if I may, I'd like to try and point out how it might be helpful to your situation right now.

 

I think the main point of TM's simile is that a Lighthouse endures. It gets beat on by harsh weather, changing climates, general errosion, and worst of all: idiot hipsters that keep spray painting dolphins badly on the side of them (seriously: WTF!?!?!)

 

Ok that last part was me trying to make light of the situation but the point is: A lighthouse endures as a beacon in the middle of the storm, always, and you must as well. Right now you're feeling very much like the water: chaotic, turbulent, shifting, unsettled. As I said earlier, that's normal for your situation. Taramaiden was right about what she said you need to do but I think it should be pointed out that, given everything that's happened to you right now, you're not quite at the point to where you can do that and that's perfectly fine.

 

 

It's perfectly fine because eventually you will tire of the chaos of the waters and you'll desire an anchor. When you do...that's when you'll swim toward the lighthouse.

 

(I hope I'm not beating this simile into the ground here)

 

I firmly believe that every person does truly WANT to be happy but we all come on to it in our own way and on our own time. So my advice: Hang in there and be gentle to yourself. You're a battered soul right now, so wrap yourself in a cocoon and let yourself heal and rest so you can emerge stronger than before.

 

Take care of yourself

Edited August 20, 2013 by tinker683

[L1ght]

Funny, but I had a similar scenario. I found that I had misunderstood my partner - partly because of leftovers from my longer term abusive ex. When the new guy exhibited the same behavior, I took it to mean the same thing. Come to find out later, it was a different cause that caused him to exhibit the same behavior: (I still don't know exactly what), and he wasn't actually breaking up. But I took it to mean that and left him. I should've been more patient. I hadn't healed from the longer term ex-bf yet and went haywire on him, after it seemed he was leaving me.

 

I've been sorry ever since, but nothing I can do. We are now friends again, but I haven't been able to take this up with him. He feels so bad it seems, that he avoids it. He doesn't seem to be interested in me that way anymore either. It's a tough place to be in.

 

So yeah, I understand what you're saying. We owe it to the next person to heal fully before we go into another relationship because it has so much less of a chance if we don't figure out what went wrong.

Absolutely. The difference between me now and me before I started my last serious relationship is worlds apart. Back then I had my hands and my heart wide open, was full of the joy and wonderment of building something special with this new person I had in my life, had the world all figured out and was honestly in probably the best frame of mind I've ever been in, found it extremely easy to get my creative juices flowing which had a positive impact on everything I was doing in my life.....etc...the list goes on.

The women I've been with since have certainly not seen the best of me and its even worse when they were hoping for more than I could give.

I guess one day soon all the positive aspects of my personality that make me appealing to women will come back to me but its sure as hell hasn't happened yet.....I'm cold, unable to maintain interest, impatient, lack a sense of humour, selfish, uninteresting, unable to express myself, unable to maintain that natural connection....even if I like her it feels like I've already had the life sucked out of me and I've nothing left to contribute.

I've been in love before and I would say the first time I was ever in love(many moons ago) was without a doubt the most heart breaking but nothing compares to how drained and empty I feel this time round....just bleh. I'm very annoyed about the effect it has had on my ability to express my desires and how it has killed the flow of my creativity. It feels like I've got writer's block or something.

Edited August 26, 2013 by L1ght

[Darren Steez]

Ugh.

 

Sorry.

Sites like that make me want to stick two fingers down my throat and throw up.

 

Jeesh.

So much schmaltz.

 

They only have the effect of making you wallow, because they keep the reason you're miserable, alive and prominent.

 

Pity party, wants everyone to join in and pet them.

 

Sorry OP, not to trivialize whatever pain you're going through but wallowing won't help you get better. Be positive about your life, don't let one person be the be all and end all, they don't make you whole. You make yourself whole.

[L1ght]

Pity party, wants everyone to join in and pet them.

 

Sorry OP, not to trivialize whatever pain you're going through but wallowing won't help you get better. Be positive about your life, don't let one person be the be all and end all, they don't make you whole. You make yourself whole.

Right. So trivializing my issues and pretending they don't exist is exactly what I should do isn't it. Yes what a wonderful idea. Thank you very much for your glorious and marvellous advice. You are such an amazing person who has the whole world figured out....oh how I wish I could be an incredible human being just like you.....maybe if I click my fingers and make a wish my dreams will come true...lol

Go away. I don't need or want your crap advice thank you.

[Brown-Eyez]

I am in L1ght's lonely and self-reflective position but I get that what is happening is self-imposed.

 

I would like to be that lighthouse and no longer want to suffer this way.

 

My question is, how do I become that lighthouse, let my emotions merely cross over me, and let go of my attachment to him??

[L1ght]

I am in L1ght's lonely and self-reflective position but I get that what is happening is self-imposed.

 

I would like to be that lighthouse and no longer want to suffer this way.

 

My question is, how do I become that lighthouse, let my emotions merely cross over me, and let go of my attachment to him??

Eventually you will become a lighthouse if you stay single for long enough. That's not the problem, that's the easy part. We regroup and learn being comfortable on our own again, we find enjoyment in the things we love to do, become happy in our own skins and then we are ready for a new relationship.

Being a lighthouse when we are in a relationship? Impossible unless we are emotionally dead. Like I am now. If I was to start something with a woman now she would only suffer for it because I could easily be like a lighthouse and ignore all of the issues that she will definitely have in her life that she expects me to deal with.

When I am no longer emotionally dead and I am back to being myself again I will have to deal with what she is going through so being a lighthouse is not an option.

Its just the way life is. If a guy doesn't respond to a womans issues(which she always has like several million of them) then the relationship ends up in bigger trouble cos she thinks you don't care enough.

Frankly right now I am nowhere near ready to give a crap about dealing with the baggage that comes along with being in a relationship with every female on planet earth.

Edited August 27, 2013 by L1ght

[Brown-Eyez]

Eventually you will become a lighthouse if you stay single for long enough. That's not the problem, that's the easy part. We regroup and learn being comfortable on our own again, we find enjoyment in the things we love to do, become happy in our own skins and then we are ready for a new relationship.

Being a lighthouse when we are in a relationship? Impossible unless we are emotionally dead. Like I am now. If I was to start something with a woman now she would only suffer for it because I could easily be like a lighthouse and ignore all of the issues that she will definitely have in her life that she expects me to deal with.

When I am no longer emotionally dead and I am back to being myself again I will have to deal with what she is going through so being a lighthouse is not an option.

 

Yes, that best describes me, I am becoming emotionally dead.

 

I, in fact, was that lighthouse for many years, and decided to come off my lonely cliff and reach out to someone, only to be struck down..I guess my lighthouse was built of wood rather than stone.

[L1ght]

Yes, that best describes me, I am becoming emotionally dead.

 

I, in fact, was that lighthouse for many years, and decided to come off my lonely cliff and reach out to someone, only to be struck down..I guess my lighthouse was built of wood rather than stone.

You totally get it. Love is not possible without lowering the barriers and leaving ourselves vulnerable to somebody else. If there is a wall there is no love.

So what happens when the relationship takes a turn for the worse? We get hurt because its impossible not to.

The lighthouse theory is null and void.

[Brown-Eyez]

You totally get it. Love is not possible without lowering the barriers and leaving ourselves vulnerable to somebody else. If there is a wall there is no love.

So what happens when the relationship takes a turn for the worse? We get hurt because its impossible not to.

 

I lowered my walls but did not have good enough boundaries...I think I allowed too much to happen too soon, had little understanding of myself, no understanding of him and just let myself fall; I often like to think that most risks are worth taking, but damn the consequences sure can be painful!

 

I think that being able to handle the ebbs & flows of emotions WITHIN a relationship is very useful and can happen without emotional withdrawal..it just takes honesty and commitment to being vulnerable & intimate with another while staying true to one's self--I'm working on that even if I never get another chance with anybody.

[L1ght]

I really don't think you've comprehended Tara's lighthouse analogy very well...

The lighthouse is unaffected by the waters around it. How can I be unaffected when I let another person into my soul? When my heart hangs on every word they say? When they mean more to me than life itself?

I'll tell you how. I can be unaffected if I don't let that person in. That is not love.

Love is a risk...its amazing when it works but when it falls apart the waters are treacherous and its absolutely impossible not to be affected by every single turn of the tide as our emotions are completely wired into whatever it is that out partners do. We become connected to them on the deepest level so everything becomes reactionary when they make a move be it a positive move or a negative move.

I guess a better analogy than the lighthouse theory would be something like a "chained together" theory. In love we are chained together with a person and move in the same direction they move until for whatever reason we start pulling in different directions. No matter how hard we try to keep control of the direction we get jolted by the other end of the chain and deviate from our most desired course.

The ferocity of the pull on either end of the chain, the level of deviation from our desired path and the strength of the chain before it snaps depends on how compatible two people are before they reach the breaking point.

Edited August 27, 2013 by L1ght