I am the other woman who has hurt so many

[oliviah]

I have been lurking on this website and all I have to say is Thank God! I have been in despair and torment for the last six months since the affair ended with my MM and I ended my marriage with my BH. I am so broken and have vacillated between the blues and physical pain. There is no support out there for the OW and the things that you read online make you feel absolutely horrible. There is support for everyone but the OW. I just have to tell my story....although I would like to go into all of the details, I will try to make it as brief as possible.

Backtrack 16 years ago....I was a single mom struggling to bring up my daughter. I went through a painful breakup with my BF and was just trying to raise my child. Was not looking for anything but I met a man, nice, educated and a genuinely good guy. Was there chemistry.....some but not overwhelming. Well we talked on the phone for a month and then started dating. I had not had sex in a long time, I just can’t go there with just anyone, but this guy was safe and I was hor.... so I had sex. Got pregnant the first time we had sex. Again, a good guy but very self-absorbed, good dad, great to my daughter and she loved him....we got married 6 months after my beautiful son was born. I thought I was mature enough to handle a relationship that did not involve chemistry for the sake of my family. I was wrong.

2 years ago I just could not take it anymore. I held on for my family, basically my youngest, the other two have moved out. He worked all the time, watched sports all the time, gambled, worked through holidays, drank too much and was mean. About 5 years ago my career took off and I realized that I could make it on my own comfortably but I held on, having bad 1 minute sex and being ignored, I mean really ignored. I told my husband fight for me and he was just too lazy. I told him numerous times I was the loneliest married person on earth and he just laughed.

1.5 years ago, a man, who I have worked with for 8 years, who is extremely good looking and fascinating man caught my eye and I know that I caught his. I had known him on a business level but when we started talking personally we both realized that we have so much in common. I am not talking about fake stuff but really weird, quirky stuff. We love beekeeping and bonds with animals and the outdoors and hiking and adventure and cooking and motorcycles, canoeing, the mountains, gardening and family, yes family and children. We developed a deep friendship.

Last year I visited him in the mountains. The attraction was there. I brought my dogs. He loved every part of them. I did not know what to expect, if his wife would be there or not, but she wasn’t. I stopped by for about an hour and he took me on a tour of his 50 acres of property, taught me how to drive a tractor, we had a drink. I told him I had to go and he told me to come back for dinner. When I came back, he was clean, cooked me dinner from his garden, showed me his chicken coop, we listened to the frogs, etc.....I freaked out and left......this was getting too close and I am not someone who cheats so I left, packed my cabin up and drove until the wee hours of the morning to get home. THIS WAS THE BEST DATE I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! Sad, I know.

4 months later, he did not peruse me for sex at all but did such sweet things for me. He would bring me simple gifts, make me things...we would talk about our hobbies, business, things like that.

December 8, he kissed me.....told me he never felt like that before (he was married at 23, he is 57). I asked him if he was ready for this....this roller coaster, this whole thing could hurt a lot of people, he said yes.

We work together, saw each other every day. We’re working to start a new company. Kept it so discreet. No one knew. We made out a lot, after work, he was so gentle and caring, opening up doors for me. When I told him I could not take it anymore, I had to have sex with him, he said he was nervous.....he had only slept with his wife. We started the sexual journey for a very short time the day after Christmas....it was beautiful, the best I ever had. Not the best sex, it was the chemistry. We went to the mountains, we cooked together, hiked together in the snow, his dogs love me, we held each other for hours and fell asleep talking in each other’s arms.....again, the chemistry. I fell in love but I did not let him know.

He told me I was the best thing that had ever happened in his life, he felt alive, bla bla bla! He knew what he had to do, not to worry, he wanted me. I begged him, told him we can make it just about sex...he said no. I told him I don't trust, I got so hurt before and if I give my heart to someone it will be the last time, I can't go through this again, he said "pick me, I want you to pick me".

D-day was Jan 15, 2013. She questioned and he told her the truth. I think he wanted out from the marriage at the time. Then he started thinking about his kids 21,22, 26, his fortune, his parents, her parents, and he hurt her he could not take it.

I ended contact, and he perused me. I tried to resist, but I could not. Then he started to pull away.....not completely. We have never had sex since D-day but there were a few kisses.

Forward to March, left my husband, moved into my own apartment, he is trying to work it out with her......we had a long talk in April and he told me he felt as if the best part of his life was over and he wanted to die, we almost made a suicide pact. It is all so very sad.

I tried to be his friend, tried to share. I am now single; he is trying to make it work. She is a well-known, highly sought out professional. So is he. She has sent me such hurtful letters, anonymous poetry quotes, emails acting like she is him. I know her hurt is terrible. I have cried many tears for her and their family and I am very sorry, I am not that type of person. I never retaliated because that is wrong, I did the wrong thing.

In the meantime a lot of people in the office found out.......it is a very close knit office family and they saw both of us going through so much torment......they just knew and eventually confronted us, I told the truth and the funny thing is that everyone supported us, even our boss. They both knew that we were meant for each other and that we were not married to the right people. I moved out of the office right after d-day, too painful to see him. We both mourned and I am still mourning. My gut feeling is he is too. I have lost my support system, my friends of many years....his name is brought up daily in business conversations, we have meetings together that we both try to avoid but sometimes it happens and I get set back so much.

She has tracked everything he does since then, given him hell, I feel awful for him, for her, for me. I started NC June 9 and am dying. I would love any insight or support.

I have lost my best friend.....if we never crossed the line I would have him in my life. I would have colleagues, who thought I was awesome, now, even though they say they love me, I feel as if I am a home wrecker.

I am an attractive, confident woman on top of my career. I was an awesome, mother tiger mom who never thought she would be in this situation. I am a loving only child who loves my parents who have been married 50 years. Now I am just a numb shell who is in constant pain. I need support.

[Mount]

May I know how old you are (I assume 49/50ish)? And how your kids view this situation?

 

And also it depends on what you want? If you do want to end the affair with him, is that possible for you to stick with NC or LC for work stuff only, considering you do not seem to intend to change job?

Edited August 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LivingWaterPlease]

I am so sorry, Oliviah. ((((Oliviah)))) In my times of deepest grief I have learned that God cares and will help if you ask Him. I know you may think that He would be angry with you for your choice, but His arms are open for you and believe it or not, you will be able to find relief there. I'm speaking from experience.

 

Read the Psalms. Isaiah chapters 40-50. The book of John. As you pray and read you will find love, peace, comfort and strength.

 

This may sound foreign to you, but you will be amazed how it will help you.

 

Get The Message Bible or the NIV. Just try it.

[whichwayisup]

Start soon to put feelers out there for another job. Staying there is toxic and will bring you down, make you feel depressed and anxious. Only way to really get over him is to never see or speak to him again and grieve the loss without having to deal with him on a daily basis.

 

Seek counseling too, it'll help you process all this in a healthy way.

[thecharade]

Oliviah,

 

oh, this was so hard to read.

 

I don't know what to say. It does not seem that your relationship was wrong, just the circumstances. I'm so sorry. Everyone has lost.

 

Are you in counseling? You must find someone to talk to. You need support. You do not sound mentally solid right now, and I'm worried about your grief. I know all too well how the loneliness of the grief can seemingly swallow you whole.

 

You seem like a good person in a painful situation. Work on you. I don't know what will happen with the two of you, but don't let that be your focus. Take care of you. Be kind to you. Nurture yourself. Your pain is very real, but you will be ok. I felt pain like you are experiencing, but I just kept taking care of me and it's gotten better.

 

Good luck.

[oliviah]

Oh thecharade.....I am so thankful for your compassion. I feel like such a home-wrecker. They are celebrating 35 years of marriage this month, I can't believe that I believed him. He was my friend and mentor at first and someone I totally trusted. Want to be with him so bad but know it is wrong!

[oliviah]

Kids are 22,19 and 14. 14 year old is home with hubby. I see him on the weekends. Oldest totally understands.....not sure about the 14 year old although we have a great relationship. I am 44.

[canuckprincess]

I just wanted to reach out and tell you your not alone in any of this. You have support from a lot of us in the boat.

[imbetteroff]

I don't blame you for what you did, it is awful being in a loveless, sexless marriage. I hope you find true love now that you are single. You're only 44, that's young enough to find a long term partner.

[thecharade]

I know people find this laughable, but the betrayal is the hardest thing to get over for many OW, not just because the MM said or didn't say he was leaving, but because he made us believe he loved us fully. And even though people often believe betrayal only exists when there is a marriage certificate, they are so wrong. It really has only to do with our hearts: no marriage certificate required. Anybody that we believe loves us, someone we love back, who then shows us that the love was not important or real (bf, gf. Parent, friend) absolutely crushes our hearts. My MM wanting to stay with his W would have always been fine and even right, but then why work tirelessly to make me feel so loved? Why give me something he never planned to let me keep? Why go there at all, betraying his wife and hurting us both? I know the answers, but a betrayed heart keeps asking the questions. Over and over.

 

In learning to live without him, the betrayal will mess with your mind and pulverize your heart. Such an ambiguous "He loved you"/"He never loved you" ending plays on you for months and months. And the pain! It's awful. I used to think, "How many hurtful angles can there possibly be to this? This situation has too many sharp edges of loss, self recrimination, betrayal, frustration, confusion, doubt!" There were many times that I believed I wouldn't survive. But you will, Oliviah. You can get through this.

 

I am envious of your ability to now go seek the love you have always deserved. He is out there. Once you unravel this Pandora's Box of pain, you will find him. I did not think it was possible to reconnect with my H, but I am working hard and finding new places in my heart, new appreciations for him and what he gives me, even if it's not the very same things my exBF/AP gave me. You will find those valuable ways to love someone new, too. The love may not replace the love you had for your AP, but it doesn't have to. There is room for more.

 

I am so sorry for your pain as I know it is like almost nothing else in this world. You have been so strong. Keep going.

Edited August 6, 2013 by thecharade

[darkmoon]

I think MMs mean it when they are loving, but only at the time they say it, no matter, it is August, enjoy life

[canuckprincess]

Don't think she's in the boat. She's single. No longer married, and no longer the OW. She is free.

 

No but I meant she's not alone, you may find it hard to believe but ow's hurt from affairs as well. After ddays a mm will beg his wife not to leave and god as my witness they do the exact same thing to the ow. Just like a bs I can walk away, and just like a bs I can't because I too am in love.

[ssmugg]

Lei Ping,

 

While you make some good points, I think you're a little hard on the OP.

 

Perhaps she should have divorced first, but things happen. I'm the MM in a similar situation, except my plan is to keep my OW. Yes, I should have divorced years ago, and perhaps my OW will be the catalyst for that, and I'll finally get it done.

 

Also, there could be a lot more to the OP marriage that just the one minute sex, we don't know. As for the MM, there was probably something more to the story there, too. Sure sounds that this A did not start out with sex (mine was the same), but there was a friendship first.

 

So, now you find a very good friend that you want to spend more time with and you realize you both married to the wrong person. Do you give up? What do you do?

[So happy together]

Hang in there OP. I know it's hard.

Edited August 6, 2013 by So happy together

[Lei Ping]

Lei Ping,

 

While you make some good points, I think you're a little hard on the OP.

 

Perhaps she should have divorced first, but things happen. I'm the MM in a similar situation, except my plan is to keep my OW. Yes, I should have divorced years ago, and perhaps my OW will be the catalyst for that, and I'll finally get it done.

 

Also, there could be a lot more to the OP marriage that just the one minute sex, we don't know. As for the MM, there was probably something more to the story there, too. Sure sounds that this A did not start out with sex (mine was the same), but there was a friendship first.

 

So, now you find a very good friend that you want to spend more time with and you realize you both married to the wrong person. Do you give up? What do you do?

 

Let me help you with that. If you still have minor Children who can be affected by your failure to control your urges you PUT THEM FIRST. How many years before the youngest Kid graduates HS? 2? 3?

 

The 'friendship' if it was really a true friendship would have kept long enough to survive her transition and if not it wasn't much to begin with. We've all been tempted at one time or another and sometimes a booty call will seem like a necessity but this "love" stuff is a nasty business for People who are supposed to be committed to their own families.

 

Now this 14 y/o is scarred for life and will probably end up with relationship issues of his own if he doesn't get immediate help coping and all because his Mommy couldn't keep it in her pants.

 

I am nowhere near as hard on the OP as she was on the People who loved her, you know? Her FAMILY!

[Goodbye]

I don't agree with this at all. Which doesn't make a difference, because this is the advice that most people seem to follow. Betrayed spouses stay with douchebag husbands because of putting the children first. People put up with abuse, neglect, isolation, all in the name of "putting the children first". And for what? The kids usually know anyways, and some even end up grateful their parents separate. Of course I think divorce should not be taken lightly, and all steps should be taken to resolve marital issues, but if it boils down that you are staying just for the kids sake than you are staying for the wrong reason.

 

 

 

Really good point. Thanks for being brave enough to voice it.

[ladydesigner]

Lei Ping,

 

While you make some good points, I think you're a little hard on the OP.

 

Perhaps she should have divorced first, but things happen. I'm the MM in a similar situation, except my plan is to keep my OW. Yes, I should have divorced years ago, and perhaps my OW will be the catalyst for that, and I'll finally get it done.

 

Also, there could be a lot more to the OP marriage that just the one minute sex, we don't know. As for the MM, there was probably something more to the story there, too. Sure sounds that this A did not start out with sex (mine was the same), but there was a friendship first.

 

So, now you find a very good friend that you want to spend more time with and you realize you both married to the wrong person. Do you give up? What do you do?

 

You let your freaking spouse go... helloooooo:rolleyes:

[So happy together]

Lei Ping,

 

While you make some good points, I think you're a little hard on the OP.

 

Perhaps she should have divorced first, but things happen. I'm the MM in a similar situation, except my plan is to keep my OW. Yes, I should have divorced years ago, and perhaps my OW will be the catalyst for that, and I'll finally get it done.

 

Also, there could be a lot more to the OP marriage that just the one minute sex, we don't know. As for the MM, there was probably something more to the story there, too. Sure sounds that this A did not start out with sex (mine was the same), but there was a friendship first.

 

So, now you find a very good friend that you want to spend more time with and you realize you both married to the wrong person. Do you give up? What do you do?

 

My current relationship with my bf began as an affair. I was single, he was married. After about a year, he left the marriage. It's been 8 months and the divorce will be final in a few weeks. He's happier than he has ever been. If you are that unhappy, you really should divorce. Give your wife a chance to find someone who will love her fully as well.

 

Good luck.

[ssmugg]

My current relationship with my bf began as an affair. I was single, he was married. After about a year, he left the marriage. It's been 8 months and the divorce will be final in a few weeks. He's happier than he has ever been. If you are that unhappy, you really should divorce. Give your wife a chance to find someone who will love her fully as well.

 

Good luck.

 

So Happy,

 

I'm sure hoping to follow your footsteps.... good for you! And, yes, I don't hate my wife, and will hope she finds someone.

[oliviah]

My BH nor my children know about EA. I left because of the shame and the betrayal of the marriage. How can you break the sacred bond and call it a marriage. I left after the affair was over. I left because he deserved better than me, he obviously was not happy and neither was I. We fought all the time, even before the affair. I begged for counseling together and apart. He was not happy with me ever, I really did try. My son was relieved. I am all about sticking it out and keeping the family together but when you can't feel anymore, when you mentally check out after trying and trying you just have to let go, for your own sake and the sake of the children.

We are both very much a part of his life as well as the grown children. We do things together as a family and don't hate each other. I will not say anything is ideal, life is never perfect but we both love our children very much. It was not about sex, with either man.....if I had any sort of emotional bond with my husband, I never would have formed one with the OM. Does it make it right, no. Was I very wrong to do it the way I did? Yes.

[So happy together]

My BH nor my children know about EA. I left because of the shame and the betrayal of the marriage. How can you break the sacred bond and call it a marriage. I left after the affair was over. I left because he deserved better than me, he obviously was not happy and neither was I. We fought all the time, even before the affair. I begged for counseling together and apart. He was not happy with me ever, I really did try. My son was relieved. I am all about sticking it out and keeping the family together but when you can't feel anymore, when you mentally check out after trying and trying you just have to let go, for your own sake and the sake of the children.

We are both very much a part of his life as well as the grown children. We do things together as a family and don't hate each other. I will not say anything is ideal, life is never perfect but we both love our children very much. It was not about sex, with either man.....if I had any sort of emotional bond with my husband, I never would have formed one with the OM. Does it make it right, no. Was I very wrong to do it the way I did? Yes.

 

Life is messy. We're all just doing the best we can, I think. And I also believe we deserve happiness. I don't believe in faking relationships. I hope you are okay. xx

[Lei Ping]

I don't agree with this at all. Which doesn't make a difference, because this is the advice that most people seem to follow. Betrayed spouses stay with douchebag husbands because of putting the children first. People put up with abuse, neglect, isolation, all in the name of "putting the children first". And for what? The kids usually know anyways, and some even end up grateful their parents separate. Of course I think divorce should not be taken lightly, and all steps should be taken to resolve marital issues, but if it boils down that you are staying just for the kids sake than you are staying for the wrong reason.

Well it appears that you've heard HIS side of this story as well which of course qualifies you to call HIM and not his cheating Wife the "Douchebag".

 

I have 4 Daughters with standing instructions that if a Man, any Man Husband or no ever abuses them they are to leave immediately and take the Children with them. I have their back logistically until the Judge sorts it all out. I guess you would have me to tell them to stay with the Guy and go out and have an affair?

 

The fact that OP waited for the affair (after the other Guy put her on ice) to end to all of a sudden act on her Husbands "Douchebagginess" smells like a pile of something very unsavory. This "crisis of conscience" thing? C'mon, a real crisis of conscience would send her rushing to her Husband with the TRUTH and begging his forgiveness. If this was HIS story you'd be jumping up and down on the Guy's head. I guess we won't be expecting any objectivity any time soon.

 

Did I stumble into the Man-haters' section by accident?

[oliviah]

Not okay with what I have done, not okay with anything.

[ssmugg]

Oh please, spare me. Get a grip, you just spout nonsense. You have obviously only read that one post of mine because no one on this forum could accuse me of being pro affair. All I am saying is that whether you are a man or woman staying in a marriage SOLELY for the children is a poor choice and does more damage than good.

 

LisaLee,

 

Totally agree

[janedoe67]

oliviah, first let me say that I know what it is to feel hearbroken over your own choices. I have been there, sadly more then once. I also want to say that I admire the fact that you are honest about feeling heartbroken and remorseful instead of tossing it all off on someone else. The first step, IMO, to restoring honorable character is to not BS about what we have done and why it was "just fine" for "our situation."

 

My marriage has definietly had its loveless, sexless, intimacy-less, directionless issues...issues that were brought up over and over and ignored. BUT the choice to cheat on or with someone is still a chance, and it sounds like you have the compassion and character and honesty to actually get that.

 

You can heal from this. You are not forever ruined or hopeless. Remember The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne? It wasn't Hester Prynne who was the real villian in that story.

 

Cheating is abosultely wrong, and those of us who have done it SHOULD be heartbroken over what we have done. But be aware as you frequent forums that there ARE people on forums who are so embittered by their own stories that every WS is an opportunity to express that bitterness. Being betrayed hurts horribly, and some people handle it diffferently than others. Just remember where your focus should be, take what is truly helpful and not just anger, and leave the rest without so much as a backward glance.

 

I started this earlier and was interrupted....but just remember, the woman you have been does not have to be the woman you are. And in the end you are accountable to the real people in your life who rely on you and need you....and those are the ONLY ones whose thoughts matter in the end. And, of course, the thoughts you have about yourself.

Edited August 6, 2013 by janedoe67