I am the other woman who has hurt so many

[bentleychic]

I don't agree with this at all. Which doesn't make a difference, because this is the advice that most people seem to follow. Betrayed spouses stay with douchebag husbands because of putting the children first. People put up with abuse, neglect, isolation, all in the name of "putting the children first". And for what? The kids usually know anyways, and some even end up grateful their parents separate. Of course I think divorce should not be taken lightly, and all steps should be taken to resolve marital issues, but if it boils down that you are staying just for the kids sake than you are staying for the wrong reason.

 

I agree completely and let me just say that when I did finally leave my d-bag exH, my kids THANKED me. Mind you, it's been a transition, but they are MUCH happier in two homes than they were in a two parent home that was full of utter toxicity so thick that you could feel it in the air.

[So happy together]

I am sorry, I had glanced over your post and found it so asinine and outrageous I didn't quite process it. I reread it, and realized it was even more ridiculous than what I initially thought. So let me further clarify:

 

I certainly did not refer to the OP's husband as a douchebag. I SAID:

 

What I was referring to is that women (and men) who are betrayed over and over and over by their spouses are often more inclined to stay in their marriage due to "the children come first" mentality.

 

Also, I really don't give a damn about what you tell your daughters. This isn't about you.

 

OP: I think you made the right choice separating from your husband. I think you made a very bad choice engaging in an affair and leaving your ex in the dark. But I think you realize all that, anyway, so I wish you luck and goodwill.

 

I was trying to figure out her point with the daughters also... didn't seem to have anything to do with the original post... In any event, this was a great response.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Lei Ping,

 

While you make some good points, I think you're a little hard on the OP.

 

Perhaps she should have divorced first, but things happen. I'm the MM in a similar situation, except my plan is to keep my OW. Yes, I should have divorced years ago, and perhaps my OW will be the catalyst for that, and I'll finally get it done.

 

Also, there could be a lot more to the OP marriage that just the one minute sex, we don't know. As for the MM, there was probably something more to the story there, too. Sure sounds that this A did not start out with sex (mine was the same), but there was a friendship first.

 

So, now you find a very good friend that you want to spend more time with and you realize you both married to the wrong person. Do you give up? What do you do?

 

So if her marriage is so horrible, why is she still there?!?!?! My guess would be DIVORCE THE WRONG PERSON AND MARRY THE RIGHT ONE! NO BRAINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ForeverHopeful1]

I don't agree with this at all. Which doesn't make a difference, because this is the advice that most people seem to follow. Betrayed spouses stay with douchebag husbands because of putting the children first. People put up with abuse, neglect, isolation, all in the name of "putting the children first". And for what? The kids usually know anyways, and some even end up grateful their parents separate. Of course I think divorce should not be taken lightly, and all steps should be taken to resolve marital issues, but if it boils down that you are staying just for the kids sake than you are staying for the wrong reason.

 

Where did they say to stay married to a douche bag? Reread it. It says keep your **** in your pants and dont fall victim to urges. I read nothing of staying married unhappily "for the kids."

[Lei Ping]

Oh please, spare me. Get a grip, you just spout nonsense. You have obviously only read that one post of mine because no one on this forum could accuse me of being pro affair. All I am saying is that whether you are a man or woman staying in a marriage SOLELY for the children is a poor choice and does more damage than good.

 

Re-read and get your hips down off your shoulders. Honesty is key here. It would have been the proper thing to do to end the marriage before getting involved with another ding-ding. A suitable co-parenting arrangement could have been worked out.

 

I hate to wreck your little Hen party here but you aren't even trying to be objective about this. Responsible people make responsible decisions and take responsibility for their actions. Why bother being in a marriage at all if one can't tell the truth?

[Lei Ping]

Where did they say to stay married to a douche bag? Reread it. It says keep your **** in your pants and dont fall victim to urges. I read nothing of staying married unhappily "for the kids."

 

People with agenda are notorious for inserting their own definitions. She must be the chapter President for the Man Haters' Club. A Woman confesses to cheating on her Husband and he's automatically labeled the "douchebag".

 

Sounds like somebody's venting a little personal frustration of their own. The bottom line is that when you come to a point of dissatisfaction in a marriage or any interpersonal relationship for that matter it is imperative to have an open and honest conversation with the other party. If that party is unable or unwilling to change then it's time to redefine the relationship.

 

I don't harbor any ill will against my Ex's and I call them every Mothers' Day to thank them for the greatest gifts I'll ever receive. The gift of Fatherhood.

[I'msolostatthemoment]

I don't agree with this at all. Which doesn't make a difference, because this is the advice that most people seem to follow. Betrayed spouses stay with douchebag husbands because of putting the children first. People put up with abuse, neglect, isolation, all in the name of "putting the children first". And for what? The kids usually know anyways, and some even end up grateful their parents separate. Of course I think divorce should not be taken lightly, and all steps should be taken to resolve marital issues, but if it boils down that you are staying just for the kids sake than you are staying for the wrong reason.

 

You are absolutely correct with what you are saying here. I'm a grown woman myself, but my own parents, I think should have separated years ago. My mother stayed at home to work, and look after me and my siblings, and my father since I was 2 foot high always always worked abroad. There were times he was at home, and did some work at home, when he wasn't working abroad, and I never got to know my father, or spend time with him at all.

 

When he was at home, my parents did not get on together well. My mother is an absolute b*tch, and was always that way and still is to this day. I have had to put up with years of physical, emotional and psychological abuse from her, when my father was away, and I always felt so alone, like there was no one to look after me. Sometimes when my father was at home, they got on ok together, but other times, they argued alot.

 

It was only a few years ago, when I attempted suicide that me and my siblings begged our father to work at home. He did for a while, and was then out of work for almost 2 years, and was at home with my mother. I have got to know my father alot (Finally) in the past few years, and while he was at home with my mother, he was very upset living with her, and unhappy. I think, and he has almost said it himself, he should have left her years ago. If he did, I would have been alot happier, as I would have gone and lived with my dad, and am kept well away from my so called mother.

 

If they separated years ago, I think I would be in a better place in my life than where I am now. For many years, I have always felt very insecure, and alone, and I still feel like that to this day. My father has gone back working abroad again, and I think he is happier away from her, being honest. But if they separated when I was a small girl, or even in my teenage years, I would be a more stable person than I am today, (I have gone through additional hell in my own life as well though) as I wouldn't have had to put up with her constant abuse from her.

 

I hope I haven't gone off the point of the discussion here. I read the OP's story, and I feel for her I really do. Many people believe, that if the parents are unhappy, that they should stay together for the children's sake, but I really do think for the children's sake, if the parents are that unhappy, it would be better if they weren't together, because if they are together in circumstances like my family, it can destroy the children.

 

I say this to everyone who has been involved in an affair, or getting over one. If you are not happy in a marriage, leave it, for your sake, and the children's sake.