So upset with myself

[BrookeM]

Yep, I got a little too weak and broke NC.

 

Last week, I met a guy at Starbucks. Cute, sweet, SINGLE, and we had a lovely conversation. He said he had tickets to go see a comedian at a local bar in town and asked me if I'd like to join him. I was hesitant but figured what the heck, it would be nice to get out of the house with someone new and if things went a little too fast, I'd explain to him I just got out of something and wasn't ready for anything serious at the moment. Saturday night rolls around, and everything is going fine. I feel confident, I think I'm looking good, and I'm having fun. Once I'm settled and feeling comfortable, I notice a few tables away from me, a group of men, two of which are xMM's buddies. They proceed to frequently look in my direction. I tried my best to ignore it until one of his friends gets up with another guy who I don't know (presumably another friend of xMM), and walk all the way across the bar to stand against a wall ten feet away from me. They look at me, talk amongst themselves for about 3-4 minutes, then walk back to where they were seated. They didn't get drinks. They didn't talk to anyone else. They just stood there watching me. I felt so uncomfortable and insecure after that, I hardly enjoyed the show. My date kept asking me if everything was ok, and not wanting to explain the situation, I just smiled and played it off. I was very transparent, and I'm pretty sure I won't have to worry about him ever calling again.

 

Not being able to get xMM out of my head after that, fast forward to this evening. I was outside playing with my kids when I saw him drive by. I broke. I wrote, "Saw you drive by. Hope everything is going well." He responded mentioning his friends saw me on Saturday night and we was glad I was having fun. The convo tapered off from there and ended with him saying, "Well I'm glad everything is good, with wife sorry." I am SO MAD at myself. I look back on my previous posts and wonder where that strong, capable woman went? Why today? Why didn't I just push through? I REALLY hate the way I feel when he's in my life, and instead of taking a minute to remind myself of that, I hit the reset button and there's no going back now. I feel like such a desperate, needy moron. Not a good feeling or look. Tomorrow is a new day, and I guess I'm going to have to chalk this up as one huge mistake, dust myself off and keep on trucking.

[Ladydrib]

Yep, I got a little too weak and broke NC.

 

Last week, I met a guy at Starbucks. Cute, sweet, SINGLE, and we had a lovely conversation. He said he had tickets to go see a comedian at a local bar in town and asked me if I'd like to join him. I was hesitant but figured what the heck, it would be nice to get out of the house with someone new and if things went a little too fast, I'd explain to him I just got out of something and wasn't ready for anything serious at the moment. Saturday night rolls around, and everything is going fine. I feel confident, I think I'm looking good, and I'm having fun. Once I'm settled and feeling comfortable, I notice a few tables away from me, a group of men, two of which are xMM's buddies. They proceed to frequently look in my direction. I tried my best to ignore it until one of his friends gets up with another guy who I don't know (presumably another friend of xMM), and walk all the way across the bar to stand against a wall ten feet away from me. They look at me, talk amongst themselves for about 3-4 minutes, then walk back to where they were seated. They didn't get drinks. They didn't talk to anyone else. They just stood there watching me. I felt so uncomfortable and insecure after that, I hardly enjoyed the show. My date kept asking me if everything was ok, and not wanting to explain the situation, I just smiled and played it off. I was very transparent, and I'm pretty sure I won't have to worry about him ever calling again.

 

Not being able to get xMM out of my head after that, fast forward to this evening. I was outside playing with my kids when I saw him drive by. I broke. I wrote, "Saw you drive by. Hope everything is going well." He responded mentioning his friends saw me on Saturday night and we was glad I was having fun. The convo tapered off from there and ended with him saying, "Well I'm glad everything is good, with wife sorry." I am SO MAD at myself. I look back on my previous posts and wonder where that strong, capable woman went? Why today? Why didn't I just push through? I REALLY hate the way I feel when he's in my life, and instead of taking a minute to remind myself of that, I hit the reset button and there's no going back now. I feel like such a desperate, needy moron. Not a good feeling or look. Tomorrow is a new day, and I guess I'm going to have to chalk this up as one huge mistake, dust myself off and keep on trucking.

 

Remember to be kind to yourself. You made a mistake. Accept it and process that it did nothing but hurt you and set you back. Start again now and keep moving forward. :-)

[missy268]

Don't beat yourself up - We have all done it at some point!

 

Today is a new day

 

Stay strong x

[BrookeM]

Beating yourself up won't do and I'm going to be honest, you faced a sort of rapid-fire set of "triggers" so it's no wonder you broke. Seeing his friends, having them basically spy on you and in turn pretty much ruin your night and your date, then seeing him drive by...It's no surprise. It happens, it happens to everyone no matter how strong we think, say or feel we are, at the end of the day, this thing is going to be a serious test of wills from start to finish.

 

You learn from this experience, savor this feeling of regret and possible mortification and reflect on it next time you feel your resolve weakening. Turn that momentary weakness into some long-term strength.

 

Very well said, thank you. I woke up feeling even worse than I did last night. I hope this passes. I'm trying to stay positive. Day 1 has started yet again!

 

You know what makes me so upset? That he is only in hot pursuit of me after I've had enough. When I won't reply after he breaks NC but I finally crack after about 5 pages of texts ranging from, "I'm sorry" to "I still love you" to "I can't stop thinking about you". Then after I give in, we go NC again, and it always begins with him. The game playing and inconsistency is so exhausting and I'm sick of it! The friend-spying was also confusing. He told them it was over, so why are they so interested in who I'm with and what I'm doing?! I went home and cried that night. I felt so defeated but I felt even worse for allowing myself to be reduced to tears. I bet he laughed all the way to work this morning knowing that after his friends ruined my date, I was still thinking about him.

[UpwardSpiral]

I agree with the other posters; don't beat yourself up. Use the experience when it happens again - and it will as he obviously lives nearby - to steel your resolve.

 

I doubt very much he was laughing to himself about your date. Nothing seems to make a guy want you than knowing some other guy wants you. He's not laughing; he's nursing a vulnerable ego and will probably redouble his efforts to get you back - so brace yourself and stay strong!

[Ladydrib]

Very well said, thank you. I woke up feeling even worse than I did last night. I hope this passes. I'm trying to stay positive. Day 1 has started yet again!

 

You know what makes me so upset? That he is only in hot pursuit of me after I've had enough. When I won't reply after he breaks NC but I finally crack after about 5 pages of texts ranging from, "I'm sorry" to "I still love you" to "I can't stop thinking about you". Then after I give in, we go NC again, and it always begins with him. The game playing and inconsistency is so exhausting and I'm sick of it! The friend-spying was also confusing. He told them it was over, so why are they so interested in who I'm with and what I'm doing?! I went home and cried that night. I felt so defeated but I felt even worse for allowing myself to be reduced to tears. I bet he laughed all the way to work this morning knowing that after his friends ruined my date, I was still thinking about him.

 

If you stay in it long enough, eventually he will stop chasing when you try to leave him. That's not a good feeling either. Although it does finally set you free if you have not been able to free yourself.

 

It is painful. It's painful to be in the A (even though you are happy when with him - it's not worth it). It's also painful to get out of an A. The sooner you get out, the less warped your mind will get.

 

I had a set back yesterday too. It hurts. I didn't break NC, nor can I imagine that I ever will, but it still hurts when something triggers you, even if you don't contact him. It's the only way out of the thorns - to keep pushing through the pain. Just stay focused on the destination. Try to forget any dreams or hopes you had. Try not to remember any good times. Put it all out of your mind. You should not have to experience pain in order to have joy in your life. That is really messed up.

 

Assume he is not going to come back. Be prepared in case he does. Imagine what he might say (insert ideas to try to trick you back into accepting less than you're worth) Try to focus on how you will blockade him from returning to your life. He knows he can be your AP so if he comes sniffing around, that's almost certainly all he wants. Brace yourself in advance to prepare for that and protect yourself from it.

 

I don't think mine will ever come back but I'm making every effort to be strong enough to ignore him and to believe, not what I "want" to believe, but what is most likely true. That he wouldn't be coming back for a real relationship so I must ignore him because I don't want an A.

[BrookeM]

If you stay in it long enough, eventually he will stop chasing when you try to leave him. That's not a good feeling either. Although it does finally set you free if you have not been able to free yourself.

 

It is painful. It's painful to be in the A (even though you are happy when with him - it's not worth it). It's also painful to get out of an A. The sooner you get out, the less warped your mind will get.

 

I had a set back yesterday too. It hurts. I didn't break NC, nor can I imagine that I ever will, but it still hurts when something triggers you, even if you don't contact him. It's the only way out of the thorns - to keep pushing through the pain. Just stay focused on the destination. Try to forget any dreams or hopes you had. Try not to remember any good times. Put it all out of your mind. You should not have to experience pain in order to have joy in your life. That is really messed up.

 

Assume he is not going to come back. Be prepared in case he does. Imagine what he might say (insert ideas to try to trick you back into accepting less than you're worth) Try to focus on how you will blockade him from returning to your life. He knows he can be your AP so if he comes sniffing around, that's almost certainly all he wants. Brace yourself in advance to prepare for that and protect yourself from it.

 

I don't think mine will ever come back but I'm making every effort to be strong enough to ignore him and to believe, not what I "want" to believe, but what is most likely true. That he wouldn't be coming back for a real relationship so I must ignore him because I don't want an A.

 

The key is definitely to mentally prepare. I have to stop reminiscing about all of the times he spent hours texting me and the time we actually spent together. That ship has sailed and in the end, I was barely getting breadcrumbs.

 

I read up about the psychology of heartbreak and one thing I found interesting was that the same parts of our brain are stimulated when in love as when using a controlled substance. Which makes the heartache (withdraws) so similar. When we initially went out of contact a few weeks ago, I treated it as though I was getting better from an addiction. I feel I had a successful few weeks because I was very serious about getting better. I identified my triggers, had a plan when I felt the need to break NC (aka "use"), treated LS like it was a meeting or a sponsor. It might sound silly, but it really worked for me. But, like recovering addicts, I thought that because I had gone a few weeks without contact, I would be ok with just a small response, ("just one sip") when he began contacting me again. And was I dead wrong. It only left me feeling empty and wanting more of what I worked so hard to detox from.

[thecharade]

If it makes you feel any better, my take on his "driving by" after his friends mentioned "seeing you having a good time" is that he was jealous. Hence the "gotta go, with my wife." Ugh. He is stuck in his boring M imagining you having passionate romps with hot, new guys. YOU win, not him. Don't waste another brain cell on that selfish jerk. Fake it til you make it . . . true!