Spoke to the ex....she sounds different?

[Jai]

Hello all,

 

I spoke with my ex yesterday. We really don't speak that often anymore but yesterday was kinda weird. Seems we have been strangers for the past 5 monthes and now this......here is the story.

 

I was on messenger and she came on aswell.....she never comes on messenger on Monday's....not once in the past 5 monthes. So I say hi and we start some small talk. She then comes out and says and I quote "I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I don't want to get back together but I am really sorry for everything that I did to you." Well, I was floored....I have been waiting for monthes to hear that but when I heard it I felt differently.

 

I then called her on the phone because only cowards apologize in text and asked her the big question "Are you saying sorry to help you or help me?" and she answers that she is doing it to help herself. I started laughing right in her ear really loud. I then told her that her sorry means **** to me and that usually you say sorry to someone to help them out not yourself.

 

I can say for the first time ever I didn't sugar coat anything for her and told her straight up what I thought about things and she kept telling me her head is messed up (I believe this as I saw her personality do a 180). I told her that I still care and if she needed my help getting through this part in her life that I would be there for her. She was crying on the phone. I swear she hasn't shown any emotion to me since she broke up with me.

 

So I started telling her that she was acting like her friends too much.........and we are talking about some real loser here....I mean anyone who's role model is Paris Hilton needs help. So I told her how dumb I thought she was acting and that all of the **** she was doing was stupid like sleeping with a guy she hardly knew without protection and taking all her anger out on me when it should have been directed at her new B/f.

 

She was really upset after I told her this possibly because she is starting to realize some things now or maybe she is just retarded....I am not sure...I told her I would call her later to make sure she was alright. I called around 9:00 and she was alright so I made it short and sweet on the phone and she thanked me for calling ???????????? What is up with this girl.....she says sorry and thank you now? Those are words I never hear from her mouth, especially the sorry part.

 

Hopefully you guys can help me out with this,

 

1) Why out of the blue tell me your sorry?

2) Why accept my criticism and not get mad at me?

3) Why does she constantly have to go on about how we are not right for eachother and how we are not going to get back together....sounds like she is still trying to convince herself?

4) She was nice to me for the first time is 7 monthes.....why the sudden change of attitude?

5) You think she wants to come back?

 

Thanks for your help,

 

Jai

[dizi]

In a nutshell, yeah, she wants you back.

[Weird]

Crazy broad.

 

She prolly is trying to convince herself that she shouldn't be with you but is having a hard time because it is BS.

 

Hopefully she gets her **** together and quits acting so weird.

 

Oh and anyone who thinks paris hilton is their role model has some serious issues.

[SadAndLonely]

Since you really just want to know if she wants you back...it's hard to say. I've had moments of remorse over hurting ex-boyfriends, and have apologized to them, but didn't want them back at all. I would recommend getting on with your life and not worrying about it unless she contacts you again and says something less obscure.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Jai

I told her that I still care and if she needed my help getting through this part in her life that I would be there for her.

You said you still care, but something tells me that you still feel some hostility, and tend to convey it in the conversation.

 

1) Why out of the blue tell me your sorry?

It may appear “out of the blue” to you, but chances are for her this came at the end of some soul-searching. The simple answer, of course, is that she has regrets about what happened, & wants to express that to you.

 

2) Why accept my criticism and not get mad at me?

It is accepting criticism in a constructive manner. When one realizes that s/he was wrong, or acted improperly, s/he sees the criticism as justified. Hopefully it’s given in a constructive manner as well.

 

3) Why does she constantly have to go on about how we are not right for each other and how we are not going to get back together....sounds like she is still trying to convince herself?

That may be the case. Some doubts still linger as to whether it was the right thing to do. But knowing that getting back together is unlikely, one attempts to convince oneself that it was the right thing to do, in order to let go & move on.

 

4) She was nice to me for the first time is 7 months.....why the sudden change of attitude?

As time goes by, the hostile feelings fade. Again, it may seem sudden to you, but was likely a more gradual process for her.

 

5) You think she wants to come back?

Difficult to say. You would probably have to ask her. A good related question would be whether you want her back.

 

I would say there are worse role models than Paris Hilton, though. Anna-Nicole Smith comes to mind.

[Jai]

Thanks to everyone for your responses......Yes I do want her back but not until she totally 100% wants to be with me. I told myself this time that no one will **** me over ever again and I will never ever let the other person have all control of the relationship. I took the power back and I think she see's it aswell. Funny but I think she likes that. Oh well....I am just going to sit back and see what happens.

 

Anyways thanks again,

 

Jai

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Jai

Thanks to everyone for your responses......Yes I do want her back but not until she totally 100% wants to be with me. I told myself this time that no one will **** me over ever again and I will never ever let the other person have all control of the relationship. I took the power back and I think she see's it aswell. Funny but I think she likes that. Oh well....I am just going to sit back and see what happens.

 

Anyways thanks again,

 

Jai

 

I have a feeling that won't happen. Just block her on MSN.......talking to your SO on MSN is stupid if you live in the same town anyways. Really.

[Jai]

Sorry Mr. Spock......not sure what you are talking about....we don't live in the same town.

 

 

Jai

[UnicornGirl]

I think she may want you back ...

 

but why would she let herself get back together with you if you're not treating her right?

 

drop your resentment, forgive her entirely, and treat her like you want to be the one to make her happy -- if what you want is to get back together with her.

 

she kind of sounds like she needs a therapist, though.

[Naive]

You said her personality did a 180, but so did yours. one minute you are telling her everything straight out without holding anything back, the other you are telling her you are there for her and then you tell her she's acting dumb and so on..........

 

Maybe she's screwing you up a little too much.

[Jai]

I think I need to explain this better.....

 

We were together for 6 years.....I know her better then she knows herself. She used to have very strong beliefs and would constantly be name calling at people that didn't think the same (she would call a woman a whore if she just went out and screwed some random guy) yet when we broke up she turned into those people. She also had more common sense....sleeping with a guy you hardly know without a condom (who does that?????only if you are dumb and want to get pregnant or want to get a disease). Also I have let go of a lot of things but to tell me you are sorry to make yourself feel better is serious BS. Who does that???? All I am saying is that I am not going to be the same person.....this situation has only made me stronger and now that I know what it is like to be by myself I can make better decisions as I am not having her dictate what I do and don't do. As far as all of the BS that happened.......you try and forgive someone that 1) Broke up with you over the phone 2) Slept with someone not even 24 hours after you broke up and 3) Apologizes to you to apease her own mind. Beleive me I am getting to a point where I can forgive her but I think to myself for the last 7 monthes she treated me like a peice of ****, put me down, said a lot of hurtful things. I don't know what the hell was going on in her head but atleast she came out to me yesterday and said that her head was messed up.....I blame it on her being naive and her friends and other outside influences trying to turn her into them. I see how messed up her friends are and I know she is so much better then that. You think she is starting to realize that? Her friends also made her walk by herself to the subway station in the middle of the night....WTF? My friends would never do that to me. And oh yes......I am there for her but if she is going to do dumb stuff then I am going to say she is doing dumb stuff.....I want to help her and this is the only way to do it......she needs it.....she is soooo stubborn sometimes she needs to be told without holding back words.

 

Jai

 

 

Jai

[Naive]

I don't think she's realizing anything. She says I'm sorry for her own benefit and then starts crying for how things are going in her life. I really don't think she's really worried about you, but more about herself. After 6 years she could have at least broken up with you in person. Maybe you should not contact her at all. That's just my opinion though.

[Jai]

So what you are trying to tell me naive is that outside influences have never caused anyone to do stupid things or things one wouldn't normally do?

 

Her friends are bad news.....they are all ****ed in there heads, don't respect themselves and are heading down a path of self destruction. I am pretty sure most of them suffer from BPD (borderline personality disorder) and they all are a bunch of tramps that just drink and screw strangers all the time.....my ex never started acting like this until she hung around these people. My ex had very high morals and beliefs and I think in a way I sheltered her from all the hurt and bs while she was with me. Nothing bad ever happened while she was with me. I was so protective of her.

 

I think she was apologizing to me but it came out wrong.....I think i surprised her with my question.

 

I think she is starting to be more like her normal self and less like a trampy lush.

 

If anything at all I want her to be happy and I care enough to help her through whatever it is she is going through.

 

Am I a sucker or can people really just make a mistake.

 

I was her first everything so I am thinking she wanted to see what is out there.

 

 

Jai

[Naive]

Originally posted by Jai

So what you are trying to tell me naive is that outside influences have never caused anyone to do stupid things or things one wouldn't normally do?

 

Her friends are bad news.....they are all ****ed in there heads, don't respect themselves and are heading down a path of self destruction. I am pretty sure most of them suffer from BPD (borderline personality disorder) and they all are a bunch of tramps that just drink and screw strangers all the time.....my ex never started acting like this until she hung around these people. My ex had very high morals and beliefs and I think in a way I sheltered her from all the hurt and bs while she was with me. Nothing bad ever happened while she was with me. I was so protective of her.

 

I think that she is a big girl and can make her own decisions already. Even if her friends influence her, ultimately she has the last word on what she does. I hate it when people blame it on their friends. You do it 'cause you want to!!! Unless someone puts a gun to your head you can only blame yourself for your actions!!!

 

 

I think she was apologizing to me but it came out wrong.....I think i surprised her with my question.

 

She told you herself she was apologizing for her own benefit. You said it yourself that it got you mad that she apologized for her sake not yours.

 

 

Am I a sucker or can people really just make a mistake.

 

Anyone can make a mistake. Nobody is perfect. You have to be aware though that if she's not who she was before, she could probably be putting on act now.

 

I was her first everything so I am thinking she wanted to see what is out there.

 

I only know what you put on here, I'm pretty sure there's a lot of history between both of you, but her wanting to see what else is out there does not give her a right to hurt you.

 

This is just my 2 cents though.

[Jai]

Naive,

 

No that makes perfect sense......thanks for everything and thanks to everyone else.

 

I feel better now.

 

Jai

[backspace]

honestly don't read too much into things...you might end up getting burnt. Just take it for whats its worth and try adn move on. She made messed up, she hurt you, you hurt her, it'll just go back and forth. Lifes to short to question every acion and analyze every situation. Trust me I KNOW. Just move forward and progress

[daphne]

People can make mistakes and change personalities when they don't know who they are. I didn't get the impression your ex was a bad person. Just conflicted with the new friends. And probably very young.

 

Regardless, your anger could prevent the two of you from ever connecting again. I understand why you're angry, trust me I do. You felt like crap and she probably couldn't have cared less (at least from your description). But realize one thing, that trying a power play may very well blow up in your face. This isn't the time to wield power over her. I broke up with a guy, went back immediately because I realized I should have tried to work things out instead of just running and he got on an enormous power trip. After a few conversations I moved on. He seemed to want begging and humiliation and there is no person alive that I would lower myself for that crap. And as it turns out he wasn't worth even going back for. He didn't want to break up, clearly, but he overplayed his hand. Don't overplay yours. Cos if you really want her back you don't w ant to have to create such animosity that at some point she might get you back for being viscious now. Don't @#$ where you live buddy. That's all I'm saying. You have a right to be ticked and make her prove herself, but if you try to humiliate her it will not get the desired results. Plus it means that you are as messed up as she is.

 

my two cents.

[saraswati]

Sounds as if you are confused by her sudden reappearance in your life....but just take it for what it was....an apology. Be a big boy and accept it!

Everyone processes their mistakes in their own time....at least she recognizes that she hurt you. Her silence over the time previous to now proves it even further....she's been avoiding you in order to avoid herself.

I've been dealing with contact & mixed messages from my ex recently as well....so I empathize completely with the confusion. Be strong and move on.....while maintaining composure and compassion. You can't truly be her friend with all that anger and confusion going on inside of you!Be clear that it will never be the same again, and love her still....but from a distance!

[Jai]

Hi Everyone,

 

Just to tell you that I am not being mean to her and even told her that I care and if she needs help that I am here for her.....I know how it is to not know one's self as I have been through it before. Sure I still hurt but I am trying to get over it and slowly but surely it is working. Now I know you all are saying move on......in my own life I have. I have accepted being single and am working on bettering myself for my own benefit and don't NEED a woman in my life to make me happy.....I am happy all on my own. It is just so hard to see someone let themself go down a path of self-destruction and sit by idly. I consider her to be my best friend and what kind of friend would I be if I let someone destroy themself. She seems to be coming to her senses now and I think is realizing her mistakes. As far as the apology goes and to all that are telling me to be a big boy and accept it........how about you get messed around and then have someone apologize to you to make themself feel better. People apologize to make the person hurting feel better not themselves. Anyone who would accept such a bs apology is just asking to get kicked again.

 

I want her back but don't need her back. I will not make her beg and plead and will not make her feel like a piece of **** but I won't sugar coat anything anymore. It's not worth it.....I made her feel like she was the greatest thing that ever happened to the world and it all went to her head and I will never, ever do that again because all of the sudden they think they are better then you and do no wrong.

 

I even went to counselling and I was told that I am a perfectly well adjusted individual and he told me I was wasting his time......imagine that a shrink telling me I am wasting his time....guess he is not hard up for money.

 

Once again as much as I might not totally agree with some peoples posts it doesn't mean that I didn't take it into consideration and I thank you all for providing me with your feed back.

 

Jai