EC Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 OMG ok I need to breathe.... So before my boyfriend and I becaome "official" I had asked him if he had ever been in love before? He answered maybe once but I don't know..I asked who was she? He said a girl he met on a cruise they hung out for a week in the bahamas, and had sex the last night on the cruise and then he went back home and she went back home to california. They kept in touch over the phone and then when christmas came he asked his parents and everyone to chip in for a plane ticket to go see her. His parents thought he was nuts but he thought he was in love so they bought it for him and he went for a week... He then said they just drifted apart because of the distance...he never told her I love you though but said he wanted to or thought he wanted to but since he had doubts he never said it.... Fast forward to now he fell in love with me told me he loves me wants to marry me you guys know....w/e...so we are talking about his friends that are girls and the first girl on the list was his brothers girlfriend (which is A ok by me) and the second one was this girl Jennifer which he told me was his ex from tampa. But I knew all about the tampa girl and what happened so I thought thats ok if they still talk it didn't bother me at all. He said they talk like all the time. So I'm hanging out with his brother and his brothers girlfriend and I mention how she was the first friend on his list and then I say "and number two is jennifer from tampa" His brother thought I made a mistake and corrected me by saying "No jennifer is not the girl from tampa but from CALIFORNIA!" WTF! I was like no tampa hes like no California I know for a fact he thought he was in love with that girl.... I was like your right my mistake and kept it like that.. So now I'm tripping..he gave up a lot of things to go see this girl and flew over there and thought he loved her and said she was perfect but couldnt be together because she was far away..he told me this while we were "getting to know eachother" he even reffered to her as the one that got away.... I'm crying and so bothered by this and I don't know what to do? I don't know how to bring it up..I don't know what to do..I'm supposed to go visit him in a week and its all planned and I didn't want to mess that week up for us...I'm just so hurt and confused and worried...The one that got away guys..thats serious...and they talk..supposedly all the time now... What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EC Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 I wish it was that easy.... Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 It's already a tough-a$$ relationship because it's long-distance. He owes you at least that, EC. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd I wish it was that easy.... If it's not that easy to talk about stuff that's really bothering you I think you two have got more important issues to deal with. Stewing about it will get you nowhere. Tiki's right - just ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
surfergirl Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 So sorry EC. You have to confront him with it. Be very honest with him about how you feel and that this is bothering you. Don't keep it inside - it will only fester and be more painful in the long run. To me, relationships are built on honesty with each other. If this is bothering you be honest with him and let him know. Hugs and kisses and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EC Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 Yes I know. I have to confront him. It just sucks..just when I think everything is going perfect and I can handle and LDR some thing pops up... and you want to ignore it but you know you can't because it will eat you alive. I need to know if he still talks to her and why? and like LR told me I need to knw what they talk about. Maybe he can tell her things he can't tell me and if so we have a problem that needs to be fixed. I just don't know how to bring it up...I think I'm just going to go with the direct approach.. "Yo you still talking to that hoe?" lol kjkjkjkjkjkj But something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 A LDR is far too much work as it is, you don't deserve to 'not know'. Good luck, it'll be fine. You need an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 ...I'm just so hurt and confused and worried You don't even know if it's the same girl. Just ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 "Yo you still talking to that hoe?" Naw, naw, baby, that's just my friend's cousin ... I wasn't all up in that goat's koolade ... okay, so much for levity, I just automatically think of that line when I see your name ... look, honey, you're going to drive yourself nuts wondering all kinds of scenarios, especially since you guys are in an LDR. just take a deeeeep breath and ask, "so, is your buddy who is number 2 on your list of friends your old girlfriend?" be prepared to see him try to soft-peddle it because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings because he cares that much about you. love is funny: you spend so much time chasing after an ideal that it suddenly becomes so much bigger than what the person you've pinned that on, and he or she cannot live up to what you've created in your head. I kinda wonder if your BF is like that: he said he wasn't sure if he was in love with her, so he didn't say anything, and it didn't work out. But, for some reason, he's romanticized her as "the one that got away" .... yet in reality, even she could not hold a candle to the image he'd created of "her"! Meanwhile, he's with you, and his mind is telling him that you're different from his idealized version of "Girlfriend." Yet his heart senses something more as it gets pulled deeper and deeper into your relationship ... his heart has has supplanted that "ideal" with you -- a real live woman who is much better suited to him than some character he's fixed in his head -- even though he may or may not be consciously aware of that. I've seen the first part (idealized woman) happen with an old boyfriend of mine, who married Ideal Woman only to find that even she couldn't live up to his mind-creation; I'm living the second part as I pen this down. I would have never EVER thought I'd be married to the guy I am now because on the outset, he's opposite of the guys I yearned for, but the longer we stay married, I see that Someone Up Above had a much better ideer of who I needed than I could have ever dreamed of, myself. in a long-winded way, I'm advising that you don't let it get to you so much. There's a very big chance that while he may have said those things about X, in the time he's gotten to know you, she's be relegated to mere friend status because somewhere deep inside, he understands that she could never be the one suited for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd OMG ok I need to breathe.... So before my boyfriend and I becaome "official" I had asked him if he had ever been in love before? He answered maybe once but I don't know..I asked who was she? He said a girl he met on a cruise they hung out for a week in the bahamas, and had sex the last night on the cruise and then he went back home and she went back home to california. They kept in touch over the phone and then when christmas came he asked his parents and everyone to chip in for a plane ticket to go see her. His parents thought he was nuts but he thought he was in love so they bought it for him and he went for a week... He then said they just drifted apart because of the distance...he never told her I love you though but said he wanted to or thought he wanted to but since he had doubts he never said it.... Fast forward to now he fell in love with me told me he loves me wants to marry me you guys know....w/e...so we are talking about his friends that are girls and the first girl on the list was his brothers girlfriend (which is A ok by me) and the second one was this girl Jennifer which he told me was his ex from tampa. But I knew all about the tampa girl and what happened so I thought thats ok if they still talk it didn't bother me at all. He said they talk like all the time. So I'm hanging out with his brother and his brothers girlfriend and I mention how she was the first friend on his list and then I say "and number two is jennifer from tampa" His brother thought I made a mistake and corrected me by saying "No jennifer is not the girl from tampa but from CALIFORNIA!" WTF! I was like no tampa hes like no California I know for a fact he thought he was in love with that girl.... I was like your right my mistake and kept it like that.. So now I'm tripping..he gave up a lot of things to go see this girl and flew over there and thought he loved her and said she was perfect but couldnt be together because she was far away..he told me this while we were "getting to know eachother" he even reffered to her as the one that got away.... I'm crying and so bothered by this and I don't know what to do? I don't know how to bring it up..I don't know what to do..I'm supposed to go visit him in a week and its all planned and I didn't want to mess that week up for us...I'm just so hurt and confused and worried...The one that got away guys..thats serious...and they talk..supposedly all the time now... What do I do? You're obessing. Please, stop it. It happens to the BEST of us. It sounds like really, really minor stuff EC. Save your fears and worrying for more important things. The whole "couldn't be together because she was far away" is a BIG BIG BIG BIG red flag. Considering you're in an LDR. It somewhat seems to me that this guy may prefer LDR's because he gets to have a girl whom he can sleep with, and talk to, but not have her there all the time. Hence the "love" he feels for a girl all the way in California, or Tampa, or wherever. The thing with starting a LDR relationship as opposed to being in a relationship then having it turn LDR for a period of time is that it ALWAYS makes me suspect that the guy is doing it for a reason. I don't know your full history, EC, but I certainly wouldn't tolerate an LDR. They always say they don't work out for a reason. You, stuck somewhere else, get more and more anxious and obessed over silly minute things because he's not there to show you his feelings, until your behaviour drives him away or you get tired of feeling that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EC Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 I know I'm tripping... I know that girl was only an obssession to him. He met her on a cruise where the ambiance was perfect..and then went to see her for a while and then thats it...it wasn't love...atleast thats what I'm telling myself. I have to agree with Quakannes post though..because I do have really high expectations though..and then I am let down. Not so much with him in the past I have. With him it's dumb things but that seem huge because of the distance. But Spock made a goodpoint too...all hes had are LDRS? But then again he was with them no more than a month. His longest relationship was like a month. So he said he really wanted to work this out with me and I agreed and he said not give up on us. But now I'm starting to doubt not my feelings for him but how compatible we actually are. For ex. I knew him from HS but we reunited and started talking while he was in Tallahassee..then he came down for three months and we were together everyday and it was perfect..but was it perfect because in the back of our minds we both knew he was leaving so we had no room for it to not be perfect. And now everytime I see him everything is perfect. I'm just saying after the LDR is done and he comes home for good how is it going to be when we both know he's not leaving again? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 EC, I think you SHOULD explore your feelings for him. Just realize that the relationship will most likely not go where you want it to. I wouldn't like to see you REALLY start tripping over this. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd But now I'm starting to doubt not my feelings for him but how compatible we actually are. Don't let this drive you crazy and make you think less of your love for him. You love the sucker. You've just got to get to the bottom of this. LDR's are real relationships, don't fool yourself. They are more work than some normal relationships! Don't be a foo! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Don't let this drive you crazy and make you think less of your love for him. You love the sucker. You've just got to get to the bottom of this. LDR's are real relationships, don't fool yourself. They are more work than some normal relationships! Don't be a foo The problem with LDR's and other unusual situations is that women tend to believe they are the exception to the rule which usually ends in heartbreak. If they both seem into each other, that's fine. But if EC is going to start obessing about stuff like this then it doesn't bode well................... Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Does she still live in California? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I'm just saying after the LDR is done and he comes home for good how is it going to be when we both know he's not leaving again? Ah, only time will tell. Wouldn't you rather find out for yourself than be left wondering 20 years from now? from Spock The thing with starting a LDR relationship as opposed to being in a relationship then having it turn LDR for a period of time ....... Maybe it's time to decide exactly when you two will be together? (if you haven't done that already) I started out with my SO for 2 years then followed my job to another country for 2 years. We started with the knowledge that I would only be here for 6 months, but then it got extended & extended until it became 2 years before I had to leave the country. After 2 years of a very LDR I reached the point where I didn't want to deal with it any longer. I wanted someone in my life as opposed to in my future. The only thing acceptable for me became being together or agreeing it was over. Sure it would have been sad but I was ready to walk away. (btw - that was over 5 years ago - we talked & I moved over here - so it can work) Link to post Share on other sites
Author EC Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 First of all thanks for listening to my problems lol... Second..its so hard grrrrrr.... Hes in his second year of college so that leaves 2 more to go.. That mean the rest of this year then I see him in the summer for 3 months and then two more years... He leased an apartment up there though untill the end of the summer and then after that we've talked somewhat about him transferring to a closer college for the remainder two years but it hasn't exactly been confirmed.. I love the sucker lol but it is hard. Like I told my friend I was debating letting him go and trying out that whole if it's meant for you you will meet again thing when it's right..but then If it didn't I would probably regret it and that sucks... But it's like I'd rather take one sharp knife in the heart than this constant stabbing I'm feeling now not being with him. I sometimes feel that this constant struggle with our relationship will get tiring for the both of us and just strain our relationship untill there's nothing left. LDRs for me I guess are so much work that we can't enjoy the "fun" part. Everything has to be planned and on a schedule and its like ahh.. It's hard because we are young and it's so hard to think of the future and take things so serious when we are so young so it's difficult. But what we are feeling feels so serious and we are following that. Thats why everyone says if you can get through this, then you can get through anything and you can definitely get through a marriage. But ahh I don't know... I talked to him online briefly and I couldn't bring it up because he was talking about all the plans he's making for when I go up there in a week. I'm really excited because I finally get to see his apartment and stay there for a week and see who he's hanging out with and meet everyone and see how things are on his "turf" as I like to call it. But I will bring it up tonight. I'm just going to ask him if he still talked to her. Last I knew she still lived in California. It's just getting really stressful money wise..because he has to save all his money for visiting me and I have to save to see him plus save for all my other things and it's hard being so young. I know he has to worry about his future and like he says he's doing this not only for him but for our future because he wants us to have a stable future and it's true I can't get in the way of that..but like bluechocolate said "I want someone in my life as opposed to in my future. But I don't want anyone else in my life I just want him here now. I need some serious Yoga..lol I'm thinking and overanalyzing things too much. I wish I had a button to turn off like certain parts of my brain for a while and then get back to them. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 This may be extreme, but do you know her last name, can you google her? To find out where she lives? Link to post Share on other sites
Author EC Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 LOL I don't know her last name but I can find out.... But still I dont even want to go there..I shouldn't have to... Hopefully I can clear this up. If he is talking to her I need to know why and tell him stop and if he's not then he's not. If he is though and tells me he will theres no real way of me knowing because I'm not there and don't have access to his phone. But I trust him and so I know I will feel better about this once I confront him about it. I always do. But anyways...He just called to say he voted and that I better get my butt up and go vote..I'm going I'm going... Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 I say definitely bring it up with him. Don't jump all over him right away but at least address the issue. Communication is obviously important in a relationship and it's that much more important in LDR's since you have no face-to-face contact for periods of time. Maybe you'll bring it up and it will turn out to be nothing, but at least it won't end up driving you nuts in the long run. And hey, if she's in the Bay Area then maybe I can look her up for you and scope things out.. lol.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EC Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 Greetings Karim -- Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, November 2: If you can keep that secret for two more days, you'll have it aced -- but can you? You're brimming over with exuberance, and just dying to tell someone the news. Don't, though. Not just yet. My Horoscope..I thought that was funny. I'm still asking him today though. Thanks Tanbark I might hold you to that! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 How'd it go? Link to post Share on other sites
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