Girlfriend was raped by her father for 6 years from age 5

[Erm]

My girlfriend told me about what had happend and why her father was no longer in the picture, her response to this was to "sleep around", she's 16 now but was 12 when she had her first concenual sex. She's my first serious girlfriend and we briefly talked about sex as she said that she wanted to wait until and I told her that I was fine with that. She told me she wanted to wait awhile probably a month ago so when should I talk to her about it again without it being pushy? I'm not in the relationship because I just want to "get laid" but I really care about her and I want to take things to the next step when she is ready.

 

So I guess what I'm looking for is what is an appropriate ammount of time before I ask her if she's ready?

[Kizza]

You pretty much answered your own question. When SHE is ready she'll let you know.

 

I agree when she is ready she will let you know. She clearly has experience because as she told you she has been promiscuous and so I can't imagine she would be shy ... so yeh she will let you know.

 

Don't ask her, that will put her off. Just take each day as it comes and enjoy her company if that's what you really want first and foremost. The rest will come later when she is ready...

[pcplod]

My girlfriend told me about what had happend and why her father was no longer in the picture, her response to this was to "sleep around", she's 16 now but was 12 when she had her first concenual sex. She's my first serious girlfriend and we briefly talked about sex as she said that she wanted to wait until and I told her that I was fine with that. She told me she wanted to wait awhile probably a month ago so when should I talk to her about it again without it being pushy? I'm not in the relationship because I just want to "get laid" but I really care about her and I want to take things to the next step when she is ready.

 

So I guess what I'm looking for is what is an appropriate ammount of time before I ask her if she's ready?

 

I'm so old that I actually personally knew Methuselah. Look she is only 16, irrespective of whether she was raped by her father. And whether she has had plenty of sexual experience subsequently it still doesn't mean that it is wise or necessary.

 

I don't want to give you a moral lecture because if nothing else it will be straight in one ear and out the other and I don't want to be seen to be on the side of the vehement, ranting absolutist moralists, but there are, in principle at least. many good practical reasons to put the brakes on things at her age. And maybe at your age as well, maybe. Just think about it. Read up about it on the Internet and find someone sensible and unbiased to talk to. Unwatned pregnancy, HPV, and all that tiresome and boring palaver. And she may be seeking sex for all the wrong reasons just because of her past experience. There may be a fall-out from that years from now, maybe when you are no longer around, but if you are really a responsible young man who really does care, maybe the right thing to do right now is to not compound any situation that maybe already exists, especially if there is any suspicion that it has not been addressed properly, whatever form that might take.

 

Sex can be nice and fun but that still doesn't mean that it has to be the be-all and end-all of anything, never mind everything. Just sayin'.

[nescafe1982]

What's the rush to have sex? You guys are very young, she's clearly trying to work out some issues, and it's been only one month? I'm in my thirties and make a man wait quite a bit longer than that.

 

I think if you've discussed it once, you will have to trust her to get back to you when she's ready. Push it too much and she will bolt, rightly. Good luck to you both! I hope she's got the opportunity to talk to someone about her terrible past... sexual abuse is very, very complicated and she will need professional help to find her way back to self-esteem. Maybe you can help her find her way to a good therapist.

[New User]

That's a rough history to deal with, and I'd expect it to be a constant battle for her for the next... well, ever. Having had a serious relationship with a woman that had been sexually abused in childhood, all I can say is good luck. I know it sounds terrible to say, but the odds of her ever having a healthy attitude towards men and relationships are very slim. Much slimmer if she isn't receiving professional help.

[mtber75]

That's pretty f*cked up! If you really care about her, ask her to seek professional help! Might be a LONG time before she trust men again!

[Ninjainpajamas]

People who've been through sexual abuse typically develop issues with intimacy and difficulty establishing trust...think about how shattering it is to have your own father...whom you think as a child as one of most trustworthy people in your lives abusing you and doing these things to you that you don't understand and can't quite comprehend...it's a major psychological twisting of wires and is fundamentally damaged in every way.

 

It might not even become apparent and clear to her that she is actually being "abused" as a child, because that's just the way it has been...she until she gets older and is able to immorality and abuse of it, and the maturity and sense to realize how damaging and affect she has been by that experience takes time to realize.

 

However, instead of people avoiding these sexual experiences in their own personal lives these kinds of experiences can exacerbate their involvement in sexual behavior and promiscuity...because that's in a way how they view being "loved" in a twisted way, they are conditioned and desensitized to a point where emotionally they are more resilient and less affected by the experience...they shield themselves from the reality of it and detach internally while their issues manifest into something greater within themselves...they may retain these idealistic views of love and intimacy in theory but in practice become much more difficult to pan out and they may find themselves shutting down and running away from any real intimacy due to vulnerability and discomfort....because that actually takes a lot of trust.

 

Now I'm not saying this is the only way how these things develop and manifest themselves, people handle experiences in their lives in different ways and are influenced by different factors and people in them. I'm not psychologist either, however I do think I have a fair understanding of these things nonetheless...what I'm trying to really show you, rather than give you an exact explanation or diagnosis, is that there are many things this girl is going to have issues with, and she needs professional help with someone who understand that and gets what she is dealing with an how it affects her life...you're young and likely idealistic, thinking that with love, support and care you can help work these things like they are minor bumps on the road...you're not thinking of her however, not because you don't care but because you just don't realize the magnitude of how much this derails a person...someone who is abused for six years is going to have some HUGE problems, this is definitely going to be too much for you to understand and will instead take offense and things personal that really have nothing to do with you.

 

If you really care about her, urge her to get help, don't even have sex on the table and just develop trust within the relationship with her. Ultimately she needs to want to do this for herself or there's nothing you can do to change it, however chances are you are going to get hurt or end up hurting this girl because you have a gross lack of awareness of what she is dealing with here and she is likely to act out and behave in ways that are incomprehensible to you...you will not be able to understand where this girl is coming from or what she's been through and she's very likely to have a difficult romantic life for some time until she does realize she needs to resolve these personal issues.

 

You're young, inexperienced...find a girl with less issues that has had a somewhat "normal" upbringing without any dramatic violating sexual experiences. Otherwise you're not even thinking in the right realm or asking the right questions with this girl.

[Quiet Storm]

She needs professional help. You aren't capable of providing the support she needs.

 

Be a friend to her, but find another girl to date.

 

This type of abuse is very pervasive and there is no way she has escaped unscathed. You have no idea what you are getting into. My sister experienced this for a shorter length of time by a relative, and she now has Borderline Personality Disorder and also suffers from bulimia & substance abuse- all of it stemming from the sexual abuse as a child.

 

At your girlfriend's age, she did not show any outward signs of serious mental illness. Her bulimia had started but she kept it a secret. She also had started "cutting" on places of her body that we couldn't see.

 

Her boyfriend & eventual husband thought he could love her enough to overcome her problems. He thought his protection would help her feel safe & secure. As she entered her 20s, her issues became unbearable. He found out that he was in no way equipped to deal with her issues, and is now raising a child on his own. A child who now has serious abandonment issues because my sister is not capable of being a good mother. She is now in her 30s and has calmed down some, but is in no way "normal".

 

I would be her friend and encourage her to get help. Any signs of eating disorders or cutting/ burning should be addressed immediately with those in her family that care for her. Those are warning signs of BPD and the earlier she is treated, the better the outcome.

[Lei Ping]

"Out of the picture"?

 

I sure hope that means that her "Dad" is serving a long prison sentence or better yet, dead.

 

Absolutely no pressure, not even a hint of the desire for sexual contact should be made to her until she has been treated, had a chance to recover mentally and emotionally and feels strong enough to initiate that contact.

 

If the OP can't wait (years if need be) then it's time to move on or relegate himself to the friend zone. It's better to not help than it is to add to the hurt.

[Erm]

Just to add some information she doesn't live with her mom but is still close to her and she has been getting help for almost 3 years now through therapy multiple times a week. She did have drug problems for a little while but has been clean for almost 2 years now.

 

I read all of your responses and I'm just going to not put any pressure on her about sex and just make sure that she knows I'm going to be there for her whenever she needs me.

[gaius]

It's good of you to do that Erm. From what I understand after horrific abuse a lot of times survivors can either be recklessly hyper sexual or pretty much abstinent. I know Elizabeth Smart married some super religious dude who probably still hasn't gotten a blowjob. But I bet that was the point. Don't have to put out for a religious guy.

 

Either way good luck. Hope everything works out.

[joystickd]

Find someone else to date

[Krytie TV]

If you really like her, that's cool. I would only suggest to you, as someone who has been in your shoes, that only a fraction of women who go through something like she went through will grow up to have quality and healthy relationships with men. Unfortunately for you, you don't know which way she is going to go because she isn't grown up yet. But brace yourself for the worst and hope for the best. This is likely to be a rough ride, but if you don't take the ride now, you may never get another chance.

[veggirl]

oh man. this girl needs therapy, not a boyfriend. you are too young to realize what is really wrong with her, and to realize you won't "fix" her. how sad for her, consensual sex at 12....yikes she sadly has more issues than any one should be dealing with as a partner. Has she ever been single/celibate since 12 for any significant time period? I think you would be doing yourself AND HER a favor if you were her friend, ONLY.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Just to add some information she doesn't live with her mom but is still close to her and she has been getting help for almost 3 years now through therapy multiple times a week. She did have drug problems for a little while but has been clean for almost 2 years now.

 

I read all of your responses and I'm just going to not put any pressure on her about sex and just make sure that she knows I'm going to be there for her whenever she needs me.

 

 

 

Good to know this, that you've added.

 

 

I'm with those who just want to suggest that this is way bigger than you can likely deal with fairly. Of course it is OK that the likes of you are interested in being physically intimate with somebody... but the person you've selected has endured life-altering experiences, not by choice, of the sorts to which you just can't relate.

 

No amount of taking it slow... or when you're ready...... or anything like that will help HER to reach the same, normal outlook that is known to a typical teenage girl.

 

Sex will (perhaps always) mean something vastly different to her, than to you.

 

I have to admit that it isn't fair that such people should be shunned or dodged, romantically, but far, far too many young classmates are way too into themselves to give enough of a darn about such a young woman to do her more 'good' than harm. (and that, too, is normal) (sadly enough).

 

Worse yet, Even IF you buckle down and somehow become the more knowledgeable and truly understanding good guy in her life... there is a great chance that the alterations done to her by her father, will cause her to shun (good/nice guys) in favor of the same sorts of mean guys who are nearer to what she had as a prominent male example.

 

She just... deserves much more than you can probably offer... and although it could evolve to feel incredible if you could truly help her to a better place... the work-load is considerable and the effort just isn't for everyone.

[drewdude]

Sorry to say bro. I have been in the same situation you have been and these usually lead to heartbreak down the line unless they get serious help. One of my ex's use to hold her dad in high regard, I always wondered why. Then during our 3rd month together she tells me she was raped by her dad when she was 10(btw she was 23, so goes to show you the long lasting effect), but he was no longer in the picture.

 

Like you, I did my best cause I really cared for her. But in the end, she broke up with me a little after we got really intimate/close with eachother. I did nothing wrong either.

[New User]

Sorry to say bro. I have been in the same situation you have been and these usually lead to heartbreak down the line unless they get serious help. One of my ex's use to hold her dad in high regard, I always wondered why. Then during our 3rd month together she tells me she was raped by her dad when she was 10(btw she was 23, so goes to show you the long lasting effect), but he was no longer in the picture.

 

Like you, I did my best cause I really cared for her. But in the end, she broke up with me a little after we got really intimate/close with eachother. I did nothing wrong either.

 

 

That's the thing, it usually tends to really screw up their relationship with men- very likely for the rest of their lives. My ex learned some very bad lessons about manipulation. I don't know all the details, just that it happened and it happened for an extended period of time eventually leading to her parents' divorce when she was 17.

 

After our divorce I found out about some things that she was involved in that made me realize she was even more screwed up than I thought. She had an inappropriate relationship with her stepbrother when she was 18, apparently telling her friends (who told me about it- why, I really don't know) that this was just what girls do when they care about a guy. She leaned towards being hypersexual- repeatedly trying to bring other women into our bedroom- at the same time being insanely jealous of any other women that were even peripherally in my life (like being angry at me because female Soldiers came to me with medical issues- I was the lead medic in our company. She also repeatedly grilled me as to whether or not there were any "hot young girls" in any of my classes when I went back to school). I don't think that she has ever really addressed the issues it caused, but she seemed emotionally stunted. She had temper tantrums and crying jags that were more appropriate for a toddler than a woman in her 30s over pretty minor things.

 

I'm just not optimistic about the ability of most of those that have experienced that kind of trauma being able to move past it and maintain healthy relationships later in life. This gal is way too young and the trauma way too recent and lengthy for anyone to reasonably expect her to be in any kind of condition to know what a healthy relationship looks like or how to act in one. This kind of abuse programs one to seek or create chaos in their relationships.

[Seductive]

To the OP-Props to you for wanting to stay and caring about someone that had such a rough past. Sexual abuse by the father is one of the worst things that can happen to you, and I'm glad you understand the sleeping around reaction.

 

You got some good advice from other posters here. She will let you know when she's ready.

[Seductive]

I'm just not optimistic about the ability of most of those that have experienced that kind of trauma being able to move past it and maintain healthy relationships later in life. This gal is way too young and the trauma way too recent and lengthy for anyone to reasonably expect her to be in any kind of condition to know what a healthy relationship looks like or how to act in one. This kind of abuse programs one to seek or create chaos in their relationships.

 

I get what you're saying, but there are a few examples of incest survivors leading happy marriages. Most incest survivors don't start to really heal until after their 20's or even well into their 40's. I do think it's possible to overcome trauma, if you're committed and know you're WORTH it. The problem is a lot of survivors feel unworthy. Yeah, the emotional stunt is an issue, but I would rather release my emotions and feel better (instead of bottling it up).

 

If the OP is willing to enjoy the present and not try to control the outcome of what's going to happen, so be it. They're very young. Maybe he can show her what a healthy relationship is. That's very healing.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Seductive