kelli89 Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I am in a long term relationship and I went out the other night for my brother's birthday. Before meeting my current boyfriend I had a brief fling with my brother's friend (who is now happily married) - he attended the birthday. Everything was fine until I had a few too many... I slipped up and told him I still thought he was attractive. I can't quite remember the rest of my night.... everyone was very very drunk and I haven't been scolded by my brother or told that I was very inappropriate towards him. I just feel extremely guilty... like I majorly stepped over the line and I am not sure whether this is worth coming clean about if I am just overreacting/being overly anxious - I do suffer from anxiety and tend to become crippled with guilt and anxiety after binge drinking. I've tried to justify my actions by thinking of it as a harmless comment. I have absolutely no feelings for this guy... but I tend to get a little bit "loose" as far as emotions while drinking with any guy...and I'm guessing since we had a history, it made me go that little too far? I never go as far as kissing/touching anyone. I admit I am a very flirty person, which I know is terrible. I have vowed to stop drinking because of this, because I don't want to ruin what we have if I go too far. But does anyone consider this to be cheating? Even emotionally? I want to know whether this is something I should be telling my partner...or whether I can just dismiss it as being intoxicated? Any advice is appreciated as I am feeling terrible about this. Link to post Share on other sites
MrRightNow Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I wouldn't call that "cheating," but that sort of behavior is very disrespectful to your boyfriend, not to mention the other guy's wife. You wouldn't have acted like that in front of your man, right? If you love your boyfriend and value your relationship, keep yourself out of these situations. Don't drink to the point where you have no self-control, it can only lead to trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelli89 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 Thank you for putting it in perspective for me, Miss Priss. I know that it is hardly anything to worry about but I guess I am feeling very bad because MrRightNow is absolutely correct - very disrespectful of me. I need to know my limits when it comes to drinking so I don't get into another situation like this. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 glad you realize that drinking is not for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Iama Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I think you need to choose your battles wisely and this is hardly a huge deal. There are many guys here who'll tell you that a lap dance at a strip bar isn't cheating - it's 'entertainment.' Therefore, if a guy can sit in a chair and have an almost naked woman grind on him, shove her bare breasts in his face and talk dirty to him, you telling an old flame that you think he's attractive is downright mild in comparison. This is BS. I think getting a lap dance from a stranger who you're obviously never going to do anything with and who obviously you don't "think about" constitutes a much smaller offence than finding someone attractive and going and telling them.... in hopes of....??? You say you don't kiss and touch, but what if this guy turned around and told you he felt the same??? This kind of stuff makes me never wanna be a bf Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Since when has being in a relationship meant that you couldn't enjoy the view of attractive people? Dang! Do we need to put blinders on b/c we are involved? I have NO problem complimenting people, men or women (and I'm totally straight), if they are attractive or if I find something attractive about them. I do NOT see the harm in it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Iama Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Since when has being in a relationship meant that you couldn't enjoy the view of attractive people? Dang! Do we need to put blinders on b/c we are involved? I have NO problem complimenting people, men or women (and I'm totally straight), if they are attractive or if I find something attractive about them. I do NOT see the harm in it. Huge difference between telling someone they're attractive. And telling them you are attracted to them................. HUGEEE Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 She said she told him she still thought he was attractive. What am I missing there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 That's not even worth mentioning. Any person who thinks it's cheating just to tell another person they're attractive has major trust/interpersonal issues. If that's as far out of control as you get when you're hammered, then I'd say you're pretty trustworthy. Go easy on the alcohol though. Black out drunk is not attractive on anyone and can lead to stupid decisions. That said, if you're feeling guilty for what you said because you still have a thing for this guy and would prefer him to your boyfriend, that totally changes the issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 There are many guys here who'll tell you that a lap dance at a strip bar isn't cheating - it's 'entertainment.' Therefore, if a guy can sit in a chair and have an almost naked woman grind on him, shove her bare breasts in his face and talk dirty to him, you telling an old flame that you think he's attractive is downright mild in comparison. This is BS. I think getting a lap dance from a stranger who you're obviously never going to do anything with and who obviously you don't "think about" constitutes a much smaller offence than finding someone attractive and going and telling them.... in hopes of....??? You say you don't kiss and touch, but what if this guy turned around and told you he felt the same??? This kind of stuff makes me never wanna be a bf Good lord. This is a stupid comparison no matter which side you take. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelli89 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I never said "I am still attracted to you", I just made the comment that I thought he was still attractive. Some people may think that means the same thing. I know it's a blurred line. I am certain that I would not prefer him as a partner over my current partner. My sober self shudders at the thought and is ashamed if my comment made him think I want him back or still have feelings in anyway. My guilt is now more of a burning shame. I should not have to let myself get into a state where I am completely not myself. I will not be drinking for an eternity. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Ummm...last time I was drunk, I told my designated driver "Wait, take me back, I wanna f*#& that guitar player! Take me back!!!" THAT was bad. Telling someone they are attractive is not by any stretch of the imagination. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I am certain that I would not prefer him as a partner over my current partner. As long as you really mean that, then don't sweat it. My sober self shudders at the thought and is ashamed if my comment made him think I want him back or still have feelings in anyway. My guilt is now more of a burning shame. It's understandable to not to want to give someone the satisfaction of thinking you're still into them -- especially if they happen to be the one who dumped you. But really, what does it change in your life if he thinks you still want him? Don't give him the benefit of any time spent worrying about him or what he thinks. Go be happy with your boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 stupid move getting that drunk but... if the worst you did was tell him he was attractive with no other motives behind it then it was disrespectful but not cheating... (lol I'd be expecting quite a few posts making a mountain out of this ant hill though ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelli89 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Share Posted August 7, 2013 I don't think the possibility of going further or being raped is relevant as I have already acknowledged that I will not be drinking to that extent again, but thank you for your input. Thank you everyone for your advice, I feel much better about the situation Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelli89 Posted August 8, 2013 Author Share Posted August 8, 2013 One of the great quotes by addicts everywhere. They say it again, and again, and again and... Good luck to you. But mainly, good luck to your boyfriend. If you call drinking on special occasions an addiction, okay Good luck with your psychology career!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Psh, I tell people I think they are hot all the time. Emotional cheating is more where you build a close relationship with someone emotionally. It isn't getting drunk and calling a past fling attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
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