Counseling Success

[ssmugg]

Seems there's a lot of effort in suggesting counseling in this section, like it's the cure all.

 

Has anyone had any real success with this?

 

I've tried this over 20 year with very little success, and some situations that were damaging. Often the counselor was "pie in the sky" and thought everything would work out fine if we just talked about it. I've gone with my W and without. She did have some luck with one councilor with her substance abuse issue, but we moved away and never got the problem solved.

 

BTW, what is LC and NC?

I guess MC is marriage counseling.

Edited August 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[skywriter]

Seems there's a lot of effort in suggesting concealing in this section, like it's the cure all.

 

Has anyone had any real success with this?

 

I've tried this over 20 year with very little success, and some situations that were damaging. Often the councilor was "pie in the sky" and thought everything would work out fine if we just talked about it. I've gone with my W and without. She did have some luck with one councilor with her substance abuse issue, but we moved away and never got the problem solved.

 

BTW, what is LC and NC?

I guess MC is marriage counceling.

 

 

Low contact

 

No contact

[KathyM]

Counseling can be very beneficial with a variety of issues, if your counselor knows what she is doing and has a good grasp of what is needed for the client. Marriage counseling is a bit more difficult, because it involves two clients who are often at odds with each other. But I do believe counseling can be beneficial if the clients are motivated to change and make the effort to change. I have had a lot of success with my clients, both individuals and couples, and of course I have read that a very high percentage of counseling clients (something like 90%) report some improvement after going through counseling, so I think it's worth a try. I would suggest making sure the counselor you work with is a friend of your relationship (meaning someone who will work with you to work out your differences and is not quick to suggest separating).

[2sunny]

As long as substance abuse is active - there's no reason to believe she's in her right mind.

 

Best to address getting clean before considering working on other issues.

 

Without a clear mind - you are at the mercy of her crazy, altered state of mind.

 

But your other posts suggest you cheat and don't intend to eliminate your OW.

 

Why not divorce your wife?

 

Why not get honest?

Edited August 6, 2013 by 2sunny

[dichotomy]

Short answer - yes.

Edited August 6, 2013 by dichotomy
Edited - not sure if this is the right place to post my story.

[2sunny]

For the record counseling is quite different than concealing.

[ssmugg]

Counseling can be very beneficial with a variety of issues, if your counselor knows what she is doing and has a good grasp of what is needed for the client. Marriage counseling is a bit more difficult, because it involves two clients who are often at odds with each other. But I do believe counseling can be beneficial if the clients are motivated to change and make the effort to change. I have had a lot of success with my clients, both individuals and couples, and of course I have read that a very high percentage of counseling clients (something like 90%) report some improvement after going through counseling, so I think it's worth a try. I would suggest making sure the counselor you work with is a friend of your relationship (meaning someone who will work with you to work out your differences and is not quick to suggest separating).

 

KathyM,

 

Thanks for the information. Perhaps I have just not gotten the right counselor. And, FWIW, during counseling, we are both sober and clean and non confrontational. Separation was rarely an option back then and we both wanted to make it work, which is not the case today. If there were a slight chance, I'd do it again, but after fighting this for some 20 years, I'm not optimistic.

[ssmugg]

As long as substance abuse is active - there's no reason to believe she's in her right mind.

 

Best to address getting clean before considering working on other issues.

 

Without a clear mind - you are at the mercy of her crazy, altered state of mind.

 

But your other posts suggest you cheat and don't intend to eliminate your OW.

 

Why not divorce your wife?

 

Why not get honest?

 

2Sunny,

As mentioned above, all counseling was done with both of us clean and sober. As far as I can see, getting her permanently clean will never happen, and that's the main reason for me moving on.

 

No, I don't intend to get rid of the OW, she bring me happiness that I just don't get otherwise.

Yes, I plan on a divorce, and yes, I will get honest. However, there's some timing and preparation to this. It will be a challenge and time consuming (besides expensive).

 

I also understand that the OW may not be willing to wait, and I can understand that. I'll just have to deal with it. She is not the reason for the divorce, but since she is in the picture, there is a lot more incentive. For a while, I thought that a mixed life of misery was all I was going to get.

 

I don't plan on living a miserable life and have tried everything to make it work.

 

Thanks for the comments, I try to digest everything thrown my way.

[KathyM]

KathyM,

 

Thanks for the information. Perhaps I have just not gotten the right counselor. And, FWIW, during counseling, we are both sober and clean and non confrontational. Separation was rarely an option back then and we both wanted to make it work, which is not the case today. If there were a slight chance, I'd do it again, but after fighting this for some 20 years, I'm not optimistic.

Counseling is not a magic cure all. You have to be motivated to change and make the effort to change in order to see real progress. If you are just going to go through the motions, it's not likely to benefit you. If you are continuing to cheat on your spouse with no intention to stop, then marriage counseling is not likely to help you, since your attention is elsewhere other than your marriage. It's mostly up to you how successful counseling will be. While a good counselor can help those who are motivated and honestly want to change, even the best counselor is not going to have an effect on people who wish to continue the same destructive habits that got them into counseling to begin with.

[ssmugg]

Counseling is not a magic cure all. You have to be motivated to change and make the effort to change in order to see real progress. If you are just going to go through the motions, it's not likely to benefit you. If you are continuing to cheat on your spouse with no intention to stop, then marriage counseling is not likely to help you, since your attention is elsewhere other than your marriage. It's mostly up to you how successful counseling will be. While a good counselor can help those who are motivated and honestly want to change, even the best counselor is not going to have an effect on people who wish to continue the same destructive habits that got them into counseling to begin with.

 

Kathy,

You're right. When we went through counseling, we both gave it our all, honestly and 100%, neither has another person on the side and don't believe it was even in our minds, certainly not mine. Our attention was to solving problems, which btw, never got solved. That was years ago, long before I just gave up hope. I was just discouraged and not willing to spend more time and money on non results.

 

If there were a thread of a chance to get good counseling, I'd do it again, but need to see some proof or some light at the end of the tunnel before I get my hopes up and totally change my life again. But, things change.

 

I guess I was curious to see if others had some success.

[Got it]

Counseling definitely works but with the right counselor and the right/realistic goals. Definitely not a cure all and may not be the end result desired but, for me, it has helped me figure out the layers of different issues and figure out what I feel is best for me, what I want, and how to achieve it.

 

But it is only as good as the humans in it.

[Spark1111]

Rule of thumb....give it three sessions and if not for you....find another.

 

you should ALSO TELL the counselor your disillusionment about previous counselors.

 

Give some thought to this because you know yourself best: WHAT do you need from a counselor?

 

Some like their hand held for a long time before they feel safe enough to divulge their heart. others want to be challenged. others sit there for years before divulging daddy was an alcoholic or a stressed mom sometimes overreacted with a physical slap.

 

How forthcoming are YOU in counseling?

 

Counselors cannot fix you or all that ails you. Counselors can help you fix you and help you cope with what ails you. See the difference?

 

And you must be brutally honest with them and feel a rapport for it to be effective.

[MissBee]

Seems there's a lot of effort in suggesting counseling in this section, like it's the cure all.

 

Has anyone had any real success with this?

 

I've tried this over 20 year with very little success, and some situations that were damaging. Often the counselor was "pie in the sky" and thought everything would work out fine if we just talked about it. I've gone with my W and without. She did have some luck with one councilor with her substance abuse issue, but we moved away and never got the problem solved.

 

BTW, what is LC and NC?

I guess MC is marriage counseling.

 

Counseling isn't a cure-all. Nothing is. But counseling can help people to gain better insight into themselves and tools to deal with their issues. Since LS is also not a substitute for professional help, sometimes it's suggested because a professional may be better equipped to help some folks with their problems.

 

But counseling requires a genuine willingness and desire to work on your issues...and just paying and talking about your stuff won't help esp if you aren't invested in it. Also, sometimes one needs to shop around for counselors, as one size doesn't fit all.

 

LC is limited contact and NC is no contact.

[Praying4Peace]

I've found it to be rather useless. Friends who have had MC said its a waste of time and $ unless things are so bad you cannot communicate without fighting.

 

Just my view.

[LimeBlue]

Absolute waste of time. I will never again enter into MC under any circumstance. I do however have IC for MYSELF and not for the sake of my M. My IC is purely for ME, my issues, and it has helped build me up a lot, and if this spills over positively into my M and other relationships (friendships, coworkers) then it is just an added bonus. But MC is a sheer farce, a money making racket, and can often do more harm than good. All of this of course is my opinion and perhaps others have had success.

[ssmugg]

Lime and Praying,

 

That's been my experience, MC doesn't work well at all.

 

The wife did get some specialized sub abuse counseling that did help somewhat, but never got to a final solution. Unfortunately, we moved away and the distance didn't work and couldn't find someone close by our new location.

 

I'd try that again, if I could find someone good, but not optimistic. This is the one thing that is destroying our marriage and will probably end it, as I've had enough.

[SoleMate]

I've been in many sessions of MC and was stunned by how useless it was. My then-H and I were very angry and alienated and couldn't agree on anything - except how useless the marriage counselor was. Seemed like she was just making random stuff up on the go and it was lower quality and less helpful than books I'd found, caring friends, and Internet forums.

 

It's too bad - I believe it is logically and practically possible to develop effective methods for MC. It just hasn't happened yet or if it has, the knowledge hasn't yet become generalized.

 

IC has a much better chance of being successful. The model I'd use if I needed counseling now would be for each to have IC, with a set of goals for each agreed jointly, and then for the partners to come together to work on the M themselves, possibly using cognitive techniques and/or Marriage Builders.

[thecharade]

My H and I each do IC, but we do see each of our counselor's together periodically, to keep us honest and focused. IMHO, marriage counseling focuses on the wrong things, whereas IC helps you deal with your own cr@p.