Will my girlfriend ever love me again or is it already over?

[bigacesteve]

I went out with a gorgeous girl for almost a year and she dumped me a week before our year anniversary.

 

I've done 1 measly week of N/C and I feel like s***e, feels like a month. I thought about all the things I did for her and what I sacrificied during 'our' relationship and then I tried to think of what she ever did for me; I can't think of anything, I really can't. These people we love/d, did they ever meet us halfway and contribute as much to the relationship as we did? My ex definitely didn't and I feel cheated and used. Why do I still have this urge to get back with this person who did nothing for me? It's because she drilled into my head that she loved me so so much and now I can't accept that she doesn't anymore.

 

My ex once said that I didn't say that I loved her enough, she wanted to hear it everyday (her own words). I told her that she should know that I love her by my actions and not by hearing those 3 words all the time. I told her that it was easy to just say those 3 words, but how you project your love to your partner is much more important. I later apologised to her about what I said and promised to tell her more often that I loved her, she was really insecure and I wanted to get to sleep.

I think back now and I feel that I was right in the first place, my actions towards her were all based around love for her, I did anything for her and without thought about myself. Thinking back, she used to just say it; there's a big difference.

 

Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays are the hardest for me because I used to spend my whole weekend with her. I just force myself through those days and I feel ok'ish afterwards. I think getting drunk at the weekend does me no favours; I'm seriously thinking of stopping altogether until I start feeling better in myself and start dating again.

 

I've just got to last another 3 months until I start this new job as a police constable, then my feet won't touch the floor. Why can't I just hibernate like a bear??? Damn you human body and brain!!

[savethedrama4allama]

Its really hard to deal with loss- that is what a breakup is. You'll just have to let your grief run through the normal process! I know it SUCKS but its the only way to heal fully and be ready to love again.

Keep in mind that you're probably idealizing her. She probably was not as perfect as you remember now, eh? Life WILL go on.

 

Hugs,

Savethedrama4yrmama

[bigacesteve]

Yes I think you're right about idolising her, she definitely doesn't deserve that anymore from me. I think it's because I keep remembering the good times we had and I look at the photos of us on holiday and how happy we look; hurts like hell. Think I'll bury those photos at the bottom of my draw; can't throw them away because they're pictures of my best holiday ever skiing in Andorra. I took her there not long after we first started going out together. My friends said it would end in tears but I ignored them and it was really amazing. Can't believe she won't even speak to me now, it's pathetic of her.

[whites7]

I feel for you mate.

 

I keep hoping my ex (two days) will realise what a huge mistake she has made. She shared everything with me and we talked of marriage..the whole works. Then she dumped my, coldly and with no warning signs.

 

She had a history of going out with bastards and she used to tell me all the time how lucky she was to have found me. I did everything for her too. I devoted my life to her and her daughters happiness. I am in denial myself. It's one of the stages.

 

You just can't believe your dreams are over...and you keep waiting for them to call, to email, to turn up on your doorstep in tears apologising for being so wrong and begging you to take them back.

 

I am in hell myself, it all seems pointless.....but I do know denial is the first step to getting over it.

 

I have to accept I may be in denial and she isn't coming back..guess you may have to too. It's a really bleak place to be. I really really know. I have done the whole getting pissed, self-harm...the works. You hate to see anyone happy. You see your ex everywhere (imaginary or real) and every moment feels like torture.

 

Someone told me to write a list of things that bugged me about her. Stuff like she was impatient, her jokes weren't funny. I was told to write the list and stick it on my fridge so I saw it every day...and to add to it when I thought of something else.

 

It may help you, but I'll be honest...the only thing on my list against her....is that she dumped me. You may do better!

[bigacesteve]

cheers savethedrama4yrmama (cool name), what's your story anyway?

[tattoomytoe]

so how long has it been? a week?

 

if so...this is still pretty fresh, give it some time. if you love her as much as you say, then i would think it will be at least three months, then maybe after you start work it will not be soo hard, but it may still bother you.

 

You seem to be dealing ok...on paper, anyways...seems you are in that anger phase and seeing things objectively, like you can see how she has not treated you the best she could, and you know the genuine efforts that you made, seemingly in vain.

 

Although, i would think if she knew you well enough she would understand how you communicated your love for her through actions, not just words.

[bluechocolate]

Only you are responsilble for how you feel. She might come back to you but she probably won't. I'm not saying it's never going to happen rather I don't think there is much that you can do about it now. You already feel like crap. Thinking about getting back with her & all the things you would do differently isn't going to make you feel any better. Accept that it's over. Then you'll be able to start feel better. Who knows what the future holds for you?

[bigacesteve]

Bollocks I've just written a big explanation of meeting my ex and what happened, I've knocked the feckin keyboard buttons and it's all gone. SOD IT!! I work in IT at the moment and I can't think of how hitting 2 random buttons can remove my message from this box. ARSE

[tattoomytoe]

i doo that too...and it always was like the best and longest post ever!

[EC]

Wait why did she break up with u?

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by bigacesteve

Bollocks I've just written a big explanation of meeting my ex and what happened, I've knocked the feckin keyboard buttons and it's all gone. SOD IT!! I work in IT at the moment and I can't think of how hitting 2 random buttons can remove my message from this box. ARSE

 

 

If I find a post getting long I write it in word or notepad - sometimes your login times out & the post you've been working on just disappears, not even the back button brings it back - the not-back button - sorry, I know it's not funny ......

[djones]

Hey Guys,

 

 

Have any of you started back in the dating scene? I just wondering how you all dealt with finding someone new and starting to care for them. Do you all think about your ex's? I am going to that stage where I am going to meet new people, I still love my ex, but she is with someone, so I dont think we will get back together, but I just sometimes feel that I should be still waiting...but I know that she is not and I have to look out for my self ....do you guys kind of understand what I am getting at? I know bigsteve you said to go for it and I am going through with it, I guess I am a little nervous or guarded with my heart after getting it broken again....

[bigacesteve]

EternallyConfused that is the big question isn't it. Why did she split with me?

 

I've tried to speak to her about it and I come out even more baffled. All I get is that she wants her own space, isn't sure about whether she wants me or not, suddenley she wants me and then texts me saying she doesn't and see ya around sometime. It's been a complete head ***** and I don't understand why she has gone from a warm, caring, brilliant person to a heartless, self centred, horrible thing I just don't recognise anymore.

 

I need to write everything that happened between us for you all to understand but I've not got time at the moment. I'll post it all a little later tonight.

 

DrJones, how's it going mate? Felt horrible this morning and really needed this site, went the gym and really got stuck in; I felt amazing afterwards. Additionally there is a nice tall girl there who I've been slowly getting to know, she seems to be getting a little keener. We'll see. My housemate last weekend was quite blunt with me when I started talking about my ex. He said that he found it sad that I couldn't just enjoy being myself for a while and I should stop beating myself up about my ex. At the time I felt quite insulted but I've thought about it since and I think he is right. Another friend said the same thing, to keep well away from my ex and just enjoy Xmas time and start in the police next year.

 

Anyway just waffling and got to go, I'll give a proper account of what happened later.

 

Thanks to you all

[bigacesteve]

I tried to write as much as I could last night about what has happened between the ex and I and it was getting ridiculously long. I'm going to try again.

 

Just finished reading it and it is long, sorry. Still loads missing.

 

Before meeting my current ex.

 

I had low confidence and I was struggling to get over a previous ex g/f named Becky. I went out with her in 2000 and we split in 2001; everytime I had started to get better by using N/C she would contact me or just be where I went. When I was on dates, somehow she knew (freaky) and would start ringing. She played all kinds of mind games with me, she would say she was missing me, loved me, we'd go out again a few times and it was great and then she'd bin me. This went on for about 2 years and I look back now and think why did I let that happen??

A close female friend told me some horrid things that my ex had done and how she'd played around with me. I finally felt the closure and it was a good feeling.

 

That following weekend I went out feeling comfortable and self confident again, this was when I met Liz. I'd seen her out before, she always smiled at me and I fancied her, she was/is beautiful, but I never had the balls to speak to her. She was with a girl I knew so we were introduced to each other. Liz then asked me out and that was the start of our relationship.

 

Liz lived with her dad, sister, niece and brother and hated it. I think back now and wonder if that is why she put up with me; did she go out with me so she could stop at my place and not her dads. I've asked her this since the split and she strongly denies it and says she loved me a great deal. Not convinced.

 

I did everything I could for her and always put her first. I almost ruined everyones skiing holiday in March because I wanted her to come with us. We couldn't get accommodation for all 5 of us. My friends (male) didn't want her to go and wanted it to be a lads holiday. I told them I wouldn't go without her and it was the best holiday I've ever had. Liz and I were so close and the photos are a very painful reminder. I've hidden them; won't bin them.

 

She needed a computer to do her coursework; I found a place where she could buy the separate components, pay 12 months later and pay no interest. I built the computer for her and installed everything. I told her she needed to save some money every month but she ignored me.

 

My ex had painful lumps behind her ears, they were quite large. She'd secretly had her ears pinned back when she was younger and never told her mother about it. The scar tissue grew into lumps. Can you believe she hid this for years and did so by wearing hats. She was terrified her mum would find out and wouldn't go to the hospital to have them removed. I talked her into seeing her doctor about them and told her that it was time to stop hiding things from her mum. She told her mum and her mum was supportive. I had a day off work and took her to a specialist who removed the lumps. She had nothing to hide anymore from her mum; she'd been hiding this for years.

 

She has collapsed twice whilst working at the hospital, she is a student nurse. Both times she got the hospital to ring me, not her parents, me. Both times I ran out of work, drove to the hospital and cared for her all day whilst they ran tests.

These are just a couple of the things I've done and thinking back I can't think of anything she did for me.

 

Just before the split my ex had a big fight with her sister. That was the last straw, she wanted to move out of her dads. She wanted to move in with a friend and she was excited that it would be better for us. I wasn't allowed to stop over at her dads, even though I secretly did a few times.

 

Liz was working all the time because she needed to raise the money to move out. Student nurses have to work all week and they get paid peanuts as well as study. Liz had to do extra shifts on Saturdays simetimes Sundays. I used to get up with her every morning at 6. Straight after work she would come around to see me but I noticed that she was always tired and physically she looked wrecked. I didn't tell her this but I say that she needed to stop trying to please me by coming around all the time and to start having an early night every so often; she was burning the candle at both ends.

 

Her being tired all the time was beginning to put a strain on us, it had been going on for a couple of months. She'd come around and just fall asleep. One night when she'd finally decided to stay in and have an early night I went out to see a friend off who was going to Australia to live. Next thing I get a text from Liz saying she was out with her friend having a drink. I couldn't believe it, I rang her and asked what was going on. She then binned me. I was devastated. My friends told me to stay out with them and go up town. Guess who we bump into... my ex. I made a fool of myself.

 

I just felt like it was all a lie.

 

The following week she moves into her new place with her very manipulative friend. We were still talking but I got no invite, nothing. I still don't know where she lives...someone who spent all this year with me at my house won't even invite me around for a coffee. It's so upsetting.

 

I was passing by her dads one day and I saw her car. Her dad let me straight in and Liz invited me upstairs. We talked about us but I couldn't get any sense out of her. She was saying that she wanted space and still had feelings for me but not the same. I tried to talk the problems through but she just wouldn't open up. I asked if she had the money for the computer, it's due to be paid January. She'd saved nothing. She told me she understood why I'd kept telling her to save some money each month now; at the time she thought I was bullying her, unbelievable. Even after how badly she treated me with the break up I told her I could possible sell the computer because she wasn't using it and uni had computers there. I went to leave and she kissed me and grabbed me and started feeling my body. I stopped her and then I went.

 

A friend of mine rang interested in the pc. I rang my ex and she ignored my calls, wouldn't respond to my texts. I finally went to her mums and told her mother about the computer. Her mother told me that Liz was around her dads, so I went around there. She apologised about not responding to my phone calls or texts. I just told her my friend was waiting for an answer about the computer. Liz told me she wanted to back some photos on her computer up before I took it away. The photos were of her and me when we were on holiday. I burned them onto a cd for her and then I took the pc. As I went to go she kissed and hugged me again and her hands were everywhere again. She told me she'd ring.

 

I sorted the pc out, it took me all Sunday to set it up and haggle a good price for it. It was still £25 short of what she wanted so I thought sod it I'll put £25 to it and pretend he paid what she wanted. She still doesn't know now and I won't ever tell her, I just wanted to help. I texted her and I got no reply till the following day, her text said thank you and that's one less worry I've got, speak to you soon.

I had the money in my house and I felt uncomfortable having it. I didn't want her to feel that she had to come see me to get the money. I took the money around to her mothers house and left it there. As usual they invited me in and we chatted for ages. Painful.

 

I was around my brothers the following Wednesday and I got a text from her asking if I would see her the following night. I was over the moon.

 

She came around Thursday, 30 minutes early. As soon as she came in she was all over me, we were kissing quite passionately like how we used to. She was rubbing herself on me and then stopped saying she wasn't on the pill anymore, said she didn't see the point now we weren't together. We talked for a while and we were laughing and joking, she was holding my hand. Then she had to go, she lept on me again and she was really giving it some. She said she was working the next morning and night, going out with friends Saturday night, working Sunday but could she see me Wednesday night. Brilliant I thought, a little progress.

 

I received a text message on Sunday afternoon and all it said was "I've been thinking about us and I don't feel the same anymore, we need to get on with our lives, see you around sometime, Liz x." Talk about a kick in the b0ll0cks.

She wouldn't answer her phone nothing. I was an emotional wreck. I went around her dads and spoke to him. He was really decent with me, we talked for about an hour and he was so disappointed with how she had treated me, he told me she was immature and she didn't deserve me.

 

I finally got through to her the next night and she was horrible. Really nasty towards me. I couldn't believe it and I didn't know what to say. So painful when the person you love talks to you with no respect whatsoever. She then asked what her dad and I had talked about. I told her that it was between her dad and I. She started screaming at me down the phone saying I'll find out then she hung up. I just sent a text saying 'he thinks you are immature and I agree'. She rang back and I stopped her dead, I proceeded to tell her exactly what I thought of her and she didn't like it. I told her she was an immature, selfish person who was more like her mate Gemma than like the girl I fell in love with. She asked what I meant and I told her that she wasn't the person I fell in love with. She hung up. Then she started texting saying how upset she was and how she felt insulted. I just replied "you feel upset, you feel insulted, it's always you, you, you. You don't even care how I feel. I feel a complete chump because the woman I love has shown how little she thinks of me and I feel gutted that I have these feelings for you and they are not deserved."

 

I've heard nothing from her since and I did send her an apologetic text that said that I never wanted us to part on such bad terms and that I didn't hate her and if/when she sees me again, could we be pleasant to each other and be friendly. I got no reply.

 

So what do you all think? Was I used? Was I too harsh? Am I a fool?

 

I love the girl a great deal and I know she is under immense stress with work and trying to afford the rent for this house. But when times are hard shouldn't you let the person closest help you and not run away from every problem? It's as though she's trying to prove she can do this on her own without me. Her own words were that whatever she does or has done I've done it myself..better. I agree I have done a lot in my life but I'm not trying to compete with her, I can't change who I am and what I've done in my life. She says she just wants time on her own so I can only give her that. I just know inside that when I finally see her again she'll come straight over and she can't keep herself off me. She has told me that she can't help herself when she sees me, maybe that's why she keeps well away but why fight it.

 

I just don't want it to end up like what happened with the previous ex I mentioned at the start because it seems to be following the same pattern. Funny she was a student nurse when I was seeing her. She was under immense pressure as well and couldn't cope.

 

I'm looking after myself now anyway and I start in the police on 31st Jan 2005. I've been doing loads of exercise and my fitness is incredible. Got 5-a-side football tonight and then I'm going a boxing night tonight to watch some fights. Tomorrow is Friday and we're all OUT; I'm just going to enjoy myself and become that better me that she took away when I started worrying about her.

 

I do miss her like crazy though, or do I just miss the crazy... My problem is that I always want to help people, I'll make a good policeman.

 

Long story, bits missing but the general gist of it is there.

[Sukotto]

Steve,

 

I think your a giver and thats just in your nature and it sounds like Liz has taken advantage of that. I'm in the exact same situation with my ex (Lynsey). Over the 2.5 years we'd been seeing each other I'd given her so much and she really had become part of my family. She was an only child and didn't really have any relatives that lived nearby.

 

Like you I went out of my way for her, my dad taught her how to drive because her parents weren't willing to take her out at night for extra practice. I'd drive for 10 minutes some days in the opposite direction that I needed to go so that I could give her a lift to the train station so she didn't have to walk in the rain or cold. She was even put on my car insurance through the evil Direct Line so that she could drive about.

 

We went away on trips when I felt she was down and unhappy. We went on our first holiday together to Fuerteventura at easter for a week and also went to London in July just because i felt it would be good. I paid for all of these because she couldn't afford them being a student and I felt it was me showing my love for her.

 

She complained about her weight so I paid for two gym memberships and took her two or three times a week for over a year, she lost over 2 stone in that time and looks absolutely fabulous. She then went away on holiday in September with her friends and while there she met this guy who she claimed she only kissed. But ever since they got home they'd been texting and phoning each other everday. Regardless of the fact that he lives in Hastings and she lives in Glasgow, only 500 miles away.

 

Basically I feel like my acts of love were never reciprocated by her. I'd make plans to do stuff and she'd decide to work instead just because her boss asked her. It was like she had an inability to say no.

 

I've not seen her in over 3 weeks now even though we split at the end of September. I ended up putting everything that reminded me of her into a shoebox and thats now in the back of a cupboard with some other stuff. We had hundreds of photos taken together from our trips and had a few letters and other things we've collected like tickets for shows and the receipt for our first holiday. Also includes a chain she got me as a birthday present in 2002.

 

The hardest part of it? Telling me 7 year old cousin that she wont be seeing Lynsey again if not at all. Its hard to explain to someone that age that your no longer seeing each other and they got on really well. My cousin would have prefered Lynsey to a relative i'm sure.

 

We met up 3 weeks ago and it was basically the same, she was all over me and I need to get some more self control but I couldn't help myself. But after that happened she went home and I heard from her every once in a while. She spoke to me on Monday when she had a university paper for the tuesday and she needed help opening a file from her old computer. I built her current computer from components earlier this year and installed and confused all the software on it so I'm her only source of support. So she mailed me her file and I converted it to word and mailed her back.

 

Basically I think she's confused, she still feels something for you and thats why she tries to jump your bones everytime your there with her. Its just an emotional attachment of being with someone for so long, it just feels natural to kiss and hug etc. Yeah it might seem ok at that moment in time but you have to remember that you split for a reason. Unless that can be resolved then what your doing is pointless.

 

Dont let yourself get used, I know my ex tries to do it. I usually just call her on it when she's after something and it works out alot better than letting her think she can manipulate you into getting what she wants.

 

I've blabbed enough now and I hope that helps.

[EC]

The hardest part of it? Telling me 7 year old cousin that she wont be seeing Lynsey again if not at all. Its hard to explain to someone that age that your no longer seeing each other and they got on really well. My cousin would have prefered Lynsey to a relative i'm sure.

 

OMG I've been there. I have two cousins and they are my whole world. I have their pictures in my wallet like if they were my own. The girl is 9 and the boy is 5. They loved loved loved my ex and it's hard when they say lets go to his house..or when is so and so going to hang out with us. It made it so hard. And it was around christmas time and the girl had saved 5 dollars to buy him a christmas present and it broke my heart when she bought him something and I promised her I would give it to him when i didnt even know his new number?

 

Ahhh it was so hard. And now I have my new bf and they didn't understand? In front of him they would ask where my ex was and why I was with a new guy..

 

I just wonder how single mothers do it?

[Sukotto]

Well my entire family got on great with her, well on my mums side at least. So that was 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 1 set of grandparents and 2 cousins. I've not got anyone new yet but I'll probably not introduce someone like that to my family again. She met my entire family in a single night after my cncle's 40th birthday. That was only 3 months into the relationship in the Summer of 2002.

 

We use to go up to Aberdeen to see my little cousins and my aunt and uncle always got on well with her. They also use to come down alot to Glasgow. We'd see them at least once a month and my little cousin always asked if they were going to see Lynsey. She was down in Glasgow about 4 weeks ago and I had to lie. I just said that Lynsey was busy with university to see her.

 

I'd love to get tips on how to explain to someone so young that you've broken up with someone and that you won't see them as often.