What happens at Marriage Counseling

[Changeofhabbit]

What should I expect in a marriage counselor session?

 

First, I want to separate and have wanted to for a few years now.

In a nutshell my wife is very controlling, always negative, puts stress on the entire family and the intimacy is long gone.

Second I have not made this move because of the teenage kids

Now I am ready.

I have talked with counselors one on one and they still think it is best I bring my wife to a couples counsel session. Reluctantly I have agreed and made the appointment. The counselors point is if she does not go I can be guilt free about leaving. That I did my best. The meeting will be with a neutral counselor. I asked my wife to go but her response was negative but has not said yes or no yet. Maybe she is ready for separation too but something tells me she could live this ways for another decade. Not me.

 

My insides feel sick when I think of staying with this woman or being convinced to stay by others. It tell me I got to go and owe her a chance at a new life too (regardless if she wants it or not at this point in time).

[TaraMaiden]

Counselling is not designed, neither should it be expected, to keep people together.

Counselling is a safe environment in which you are free to express yourself honestly, calmly, rationally and clearly, to communicate the things you really want to convey, without the whole scenario descending into a vitriolic shouting match.

The counsellor is there to steer, to suggest, to arbitrate end to enable you both to engage in mature discussion 'on a level playing field' even if it means you then go your separate ways.

 

Any counsellor who wilfully takes sides or attempts to keep you together, isn't really doing their job as they should.

[beatcuff]

Counselling is not designed, neither should it be expected, to keep people together.

Counselling is a safe environment in which you are free to express yourself honestly, calmly, rationally and clearly, to communicate the things you really want to convey, without the whole scenario descending into a vitriolic shouting match.

The counsellor is there to steer, to suggest, to arbitrate end to enable you both to engage in mature discussion 'on a level playing field' even if it means you then go your separate ways.

 

Any counsellor who wilfully takes sides or attempts to keep you together, isn't really doing their job as they should.

 

overall i agree with the above. you need to realize not all MC are the same. some are in your face (why would you say that), others never tip their hand (what do you think) and others state opinion.

 

the real question is why are you going? if it is to make certain your M is dead - ok. if it is to say you 'tried' for face saving (family, etc) - ok. if it is to get a pound of flesh in a 'safe environment' - ok. if it is for give false hope to W - no.

[amaysngrace]

Marriage counseling is beat if the marriage is dead.

 

You'll go in there and realize that there really isn't anything left to talk about. A total waste of time.

[vla1120]

In my vast experience of different marriage counseling sessions with both spouses involved, I have found that in most cases, the spouse who initiated the counseling is the one expected to state their reasons for being there, why they wanted their spouse to participate, and what they hope to achieve. The best therapists will keep the session focused and act as a neutral mediator. At least that's what worked best for me. Good luck!

 

...and I sympathize with you for not wanting to go another decade. I waited 32 years.

Edited August 7, 2013 by vla1120

[M30USA]

In most cases, it's a place where the man will be told what he is doing wrong while the woman gets a free pass and receives most of the sympathy. There are exceptions and I've been pleasantly surprised by meeting some, but I can tell you they are needles in a haystack.

[TaraMaiden]

In most cases, it's a place where the man will be told what he is doing wrong while the woman gets a free pass and receives most of the sympathy. There are exceptions and I've been pleasantly surprised by meeting some, but I can tell you they are needles in a haystack.

 

Oh please!

 

That's utter tosh.

 

You're just bitter, and went along for the sake of expediting matters.

 

You were a people-pleaser and it got you precisely nowhere.

[Changeofhabbit]

I am going because another (different) personal counselor suggested I go.

It is a combination of I owe it a shot, to see really where she is at, to get it all in the open, to see if there is some small hidden morsel inside me that could keep this marriage together.

 

Having said that my mind and body is done with the marriage. It would take a lot for me to change my mind. She is what she is and I don't see it changing.

 

Now here the thing. I asked her to go and she told me now that she is not going. I asked if I should book a later time and she said no.

 

What does this mean from a woman's view point. Is she done too? or she wants to avoid or is afraid of this process?

 

I will ask one last time. If she does not go I will get the separation started.

[RightThere]

Now here the thing. I asked her to go and she told me now that she is not going. I asked if I should book a later time and she said no.

 

What does this mean from a woman's view point. Is she done too? or she wants to avoid or is afraid of this process?

 

I would guess she is just sticking her head in the sand about the issue.

[RightThere]

In most cases, it's a place where the man will be told what he is doing wrong while the woman gets a free pass and receives most of the sympathy. There are exceptions and I've been pleasantly surprised by meeting some, but I can tell you they are needles in a haystack.

 

I want to like, but I shant.

 

I've found the ones we've been to as a couple in the past drift aimlessly. Because I was new to the whole process, I figured the counselor would drive the bus. But I remember on a number of occasions walking out thinking "What just came out of being there for an hour?"

 

I would say if you go, have a clear direction on what you want to get out of it (even a session by session basis). If there is no "to do" list at the end for you and your spouse, the counselor is just taking your money.

[M30USA]

I want to like, but I shant.

 

I've found the ones we've been to as a couple in the past drift aimlessly. Because I was new to the whole process, I figured the counselor would drive the bus. But I remember on a number of occasions walking out thinking "What just came out of being there for an hour?"

 

I would say if you go, have a clear direction on what you want to get out of it (even a session by session basis). If there is no "to do" list at the end for you and your spouse, the counselor is just taking your money.

 

Part of the reason for this is counsellors are not permitted to promote any particular religion, philosophy, or worldview over another. So what you get is basically a session of communication where the only real stated goal is for each person to achieve their objectives and get their needs met--whatever their needs are, whether reasonable or unreasonable. They will never say anything is wrong, except for maybe outright spousal battery. I had a counselor once tell me flat out that he believes good and evil are merely "reaching your goals in the relationship" and "not reaching your goals in the relationship", respectively.

Edited August 7, 2013 by M30USA

[TaraMaiden]

Now here the thing. I asked her to go and she told me now that she is not going. I asked if I should book a later time and she said no.

 

What does this mean from a woman's view point. Is she done too? or she wants to avoid or is afraid of this process?

 

What is it you said, again, about her being 'controlling and always negative'....?

 

She wants to go.

She suspects you'll be reluctant, or refuse.

You decide to go (against personal instinct).

 

Oh, so you want to go?

Damn.

Okay, now she doesn't.

 

Controlling, negative.

 

Running true to form, wouldn't you say?

[Changeofhabbit]

I am wondering if she is waiting for me to end the relationship? That way she can pass the blame on to me and use that against me with the kids. It is something she is capable of. Otherwise she is sticking her head in the sand and does not think I will end the marriage. Only if she got very emotional is she going to speak up and ask for the divorce.

[TaraMaiden]

Call her bluff.

 

File.

 

But remember: There's no 'going back' once you do, so be mindful of the manipulative and controlling quality of Crocodile tears.

 

It's not what a person says that counts.

it's what they do.

[vla1120]

I am wondering if she is waiting for me to end the relationship? That way she can pass the blame on to me and use that against me with the kids. It is something she is capable of. Otherwise she is sticking her head in the sand and does not think I will end the marriage. Only if she got very emotional is she going to speak up and ask for the divorce.

 

 

This is exactly what my husband is doing to me. I endured years of verbal abuse and lack of care and affection, but because I initiated the separation, he is the poor victim. Maybe she will try the same, or maybe she believes that going to counseling indicates there is something "wrong" with her (my husband believes only mentally unstable people need counseling), so she refuses to participate. Either way, only you know whether you think she is truly capable of change. If you think she is not, cut your loses and go. You have much to gain. We only get one ride on the merry-go-round. Is this how you want to spend it?

[amaysngrace]

In the end it does not matter who initiates the divorce. You divorce each other.

[Changeofhabbit]

Time to call this marriage over

 

So well put NYCCat

We do only have one chance at this merry go round and living it this way is not an option

[Changeofhabbit]

Quote:

Reluctantly I have agreed and made the appointment.

"Reluctantly" = passive aggressive behavior. If you don't think there's any benefit to it at all, then don't do it at all. If you think it could be possibly beneficial then do it without "reluctance."

 

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Reluctance, because I know I want out of the marriage because I know she will not change. If I decide to stay because she gets all emotional and I get overwhelmed with guilt (I have love for this woman just don't want to spend the rest of my life with her) it will only lead to the same decision later on. The kids want my wife and I to go to counseling, my kids want me to go even if she won't. the counselor wants both of us to go. Also I go because I have guilt and sadness for wanting to end the marriage. One more reason is to see if the session(s) could shine light on us, or and awaken any tiny morsell of hidden desire to save.

 

I have asked her three times to go with me now. All three she rejected.

Even my kids asked her to go and she did not respond to them either.

I have gone to counselor meeting myself

 

 

 

Quote:

The counselors point is if she does not go I can be guilt free about leaving.

So maybe the counselor wants to make sure even if you don't feel guilty now that you will be able to look back on it and say you tried if in the future you should be prone to feel guilty about ending your marriage.

 

"Makes sense. Why would this cause you to be reluctant?"

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Yes, exactly. this is the main reason I did go (she did not).

 

 

 

Quote:

That I did my best. The meeting will be with a neutral counselor. I asked my wife to go but her response was negative but has not said yes or no yet.

Not saying yes or no is classic passive aggressive behavior.

 

I'll bet you are far more alike your wife than you realize. And that's probably part of the problem in your marriage. You're too much alike. You're not compliemntary (i.e. puzzle pieces that fit together). You clash because you're both passive aggressive. No one wants to decide anything so nothing gets done. You end up stewing for several years as the marriage degrades. By the time you are annoyed enough to do something you both skip over counseling and get divorced. Or you both drag your feet.

 

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Actually we did not clash that much because I am generally calm. The stress level is high when she is home and low when she is away. She is the aggressive one. It is her behavior and negativity that has tired me. Her inability to ever be wrong, give in, communicate in a control calm way. Her way is always in attach mode. Our kids need counseling because the confidence has been killed inside them. One has moved out because of her.

Oh, yes she is controlling. I was on the passive side or have been on the passive side but now I don't allow to be controlled. I don't care any more how uptight she gets when I do something my way or on my own. I am taking action for my kids and for myself.

 

Quote:

Maybe she is ready for separation too but something tells me she could live this ways for another decade. Not me.

False. You've already lived this way for several years. You can't even make a decision to go/not go to marital counseling which is a pretty low risk decision. You refuse to be the leader in your marriage, and that's why you perceive your wife as "controlling." And she's probably very frustrated by your inability to lead too. If she's controlling, from her point of view, it's probably by default--because she perceives you as too passive and weak.

 

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Probably true I was not a strong enough leader but I am changing that now.

 

 

Quote:

My insides feel sick when I think of staying with this woman or being convinced to stay by others.

"Somatic responses to emotional distress is a symptom of being passive aggressive. Note that what you don't express here is any sense of your own autonomy. Everything is in the negative sense."

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There is truth here. It has happened to me and why my kids have issue now too. Part of why I need out of the marriage. To rediscover myself. My kids need to be able to live and experience life with in certain boundaries but know they are allowed to make mistakes and not feel like children. They need to be allowed to grow up.

 

This subject of "ones own Autonomy" is a area where I need to read up more on.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Changeofhabbit

[TaraMaiden]

I don't think I've ever read such a confusing post, ever.....

[vla1120]

Actually we did not clash that much because I am generally calm. The stress level is high when she is home and low when she is away. She is the aggressive one. It is her behavior and negativity that has tired me. Her inability to ever be wrong, give in, communicate in a control calm way. Her way is always in attach mode. Our kids need counseling because the confidence has been killed inside them. One has moved out because of her.

Oh, yes she is controlling. I was on the passive side or have been on the passive side but now I don't allow to be controlled. I don't care any more how uptight she gets when I do something my way or on my own. I am taking action for my kids and for myself.

 

OMG. I thought I was reading about my own relationship. My husband sounds much like your wife. All three of my daughters have needed counseling and two of them have eating disorders that I attribute to his criticism of them. When they were little, he was the best daddy ever. As soon as they were old enough to express an opinion, that's when the problems really started.

 

Oh, and I guess if you're passive-agressive, then so am I. I did a LOT of the same things you've done. One thing I did different was stay for 32 years, thinking it was the best for my daughters. Now, watching them struggle in their relationships, I realize staying isn't always the best decision. Be happy that you are getting out now. Otherwise, you may end up like me, feeling completely broken, like damaged goods, not much good to anyone (but I'm working on it.)

 

Hang in there.

[Changeofhabbit]

Tara and others that read the above

 

My apologies

I should have made use of the quote function instead to cut and paste which did not turn out well.

 

vla

 

Thanks for understanding. I feel like you and staying would be the worst thing for all.

 

I have great kids. Kind, thoughtful, intelligent etc but I think my kids will have trouble in relationships too if they don't get the help they need. I won't waste another day getting them the help they need.

 

I get along with people very well. I have no enemies and I am confident that people like me. One of my kids has zero social confidence. I have a build up project ahead of me.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Changeofhabbit