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[starlet86]

Hey

 

This is my first time posting here so I guess I should start from the beginning.

 

 

After a very messy and traumatic break up I moved back to the town I grew up in and started meeting up with an old friend, who is in a relationship with a young child. We've always been friends and always talked, but one night we ended up at a party together and he confessed all wasn't rosy on the home front and he was only sticking it out for the sake of the child. One thing led to another and I slept with him. Something completely out of character for me. The whole night though people were telling me how unhappy he was with his SO and that it had been that way for ages. They even told me how they'd not shared a bed in almost a year and that he worked away a lot just to be away from his other half.

 

We continued to talk and meet up. Everytime he was telling me how he just wished she'd leave, but he wouldn't ask her to because she would take their child and she had no where to go with her and he wouldn't see his child in a rough situation. As he works away a lot he can't be on hand to take the child full time. We didn't sleep together every time we met up. but he did tell me that he had feelings for me, which had been there for a long time and that he had tried to deny. I remained mute during these conversations. Being hurt before has taught me not to expose myself too quickly.

 

Then I done something downright wrong. I spent the night, the full night with him. In their house, in their bed and I feel awful. In the morning as I was getting ready to leave, he took my hands and told me he was really sorry but we couldn't see each other anymore as he had to try and make things right for the sake of his child with his SO. I felt sick. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He went from despising her to wanting to work things out with her, as we lay sleeping under their roof. That was the ending for me. I couldn't continue what I was doing knowing that there was a chance this relationship could be repaired. I had been led to believe there was no chance of that. He even spoke about speaking to a lawyer to see how he could sort things out without it affecting the child too much. I was astonished that all of a sudden that had changed and I am not going to lie I felt used.

 

 

Was I just a fling until he worked out what he was actually going to do? Or did I make him realise how much he actually loved his SO.

 

I wont tell her, ever. She knows who I am and we do not like each other but I would never do that to her. I know how badly that would hurt. I am disgusted at myself and what makes it worse is, now I have feelings for him.

 

I have deleted his number and him from all social networking sites. I just feel cheap and used. He said that things aren't done between us, but he needs to give this one more chance, I told him I don't wait around for anyone. I refuse to commit to someone who wont commit to me, but I can't help feeling used. We were friends, how could he just use me and end our friendship for something so meaningless?

[TaraMaiden]

No - Things ARE done between you.

 

He doesn't get to make the choices, or call the shots.

Basically, he's lined you up as the mistress.

 

Don't play that game.

 

Do as you have done, and continue to do it.

 

Do not even entertain the possible idea of letting him into your life ever again.

 

I'm sorry you're hurt, and I'm sorry that yes, you're right. he used you as a phukk-buddy.

He showed himself in different colours.

That's just the way it is.

 

Walk away, and learn from this: messing with a guy who has a woman in the wings (even if he claims they're separated, not sleeping together, just sharing the same house) is just a huge no-no, under any circumstances.

 

If guy is in such a position, tell him to ring you the day his divorce is finalised.

Otherwise, don't bother.....

[starlet86]

I completely agree Tara, I just feel kind of silly as he knew the situation that I had just came out of and decided to put me in another one. 28 years of friendship gone for some mediocre sex.

 

He will still be miserable in 6 months, whilst I am skipping down the street.

I just feel disgusted that I done this to another woman. It isn't like me. This has been done to me and it destroyed me. I have no excuses for what I done, but talk about lesson learn. Will this guilt ever go away?

[TaraMaiden]

It will if you let it.

 

Remember, it takes 2 to tango.

 

You certainly should have been more alert to the dumb thing you were doing, but I guess, if I may be blunt, you wouldn't feel quite as guilty if you knew something was coming out of this, to your gain.

 

One of the reasons you feel so bad is that he got away scott-free and you were sucker-punched.

 

And so was she.

 

To be completely honest, in your position?

 

I WOULD tell her.

 

How would you feel if you had given your life to a guy with whom you'd had a kid, wanted to make it work, and had no idea at all that in fact he's a cheating ba.star.d?

 

Because believe this: if he can't cheat with you again, he will find someone else.

Cheaters do.

You were under false illusions: It's my guess that even in his amorous confusion, he knew exactly, really, what he was doing. Which is why he wasted no time in telling you that you and he were not a 'happening thing'.

 

Guilt you may feel.

Getting over it is up to you, but sup a dose of reality, dear heart.

You got taken in by a seasoned player.

 

And I honestly believe she deserves to know it.

[BetrayedH]

You're doing her no favors by hiding this from her. In fact, you're consciously leaving her involved with a cheater. Great. Maybe he can bring her home some STDs with the next girl.

 

Personally, I think you'll feel guilty until you do something about it.

[JustAReformedGirl]

That would be more than devastating.

 

I had some similar experiences when my affair was still on-going with my AP.

 

During our second time together, once it was done, he brought up another female friend he'd had longer than me (I'm the second longest friend still in existence) and mentioned that there had been talk of them potentially dating.

 

When that happened, I was beyond hurt. I had just given myself to him, and given to him without taking anything from him-and he sprung that on me.

 

It was a few months later when they actually started dating, in which I had the joys of feeling that sick agony, all over again.

 

Not to mention the multitude of times we ended the affair, and the mixed signals he'd give me during those times.

 

The list goes on. The point being? I feel for you. That's brutal, and after all of these years of friendship, it's the sentimentality of that friendship that can immobilize us, that makes it difficult to pry ourselves away from them.

 

I wish you the absolute best in this. If you ever feel compelled to, PM me, and I'll gladly lend an ear of support.

[LBean]

I agree, him telling you the MORNING after he had his way with you in THEIR bed, that he was going to try to work things out with her is baloney and almost funny. Really.

 

The way I see it is he cares about no one. Not you, certainly not her. He'll be at it again and the way he disregards everyone's feelings this won't end nicely. He's not looking for love, he's just looking for a$$. Try not to waste your emotions on him, he's definitely not.

[whichwayisup]

Yes he used you selfishly but not with malicious intentions. You used him as well on some level as you knew he was with someone, had a child and still chose to spend the night in their house, in their bed. I get that you feel bad, it wasn't a good decision to do, what's done is done.

 

You have feelings for him but that's it. You don't have a lifetime of memories with him, you haven't invested much into him like the mom of his child has.

You can get over him. Make yourself just do it. He is NOT worth fighting for nor he is worth crying over either. He isn't the person you thought he was and you dont' want to be his OW, helping him cheat and betray his gf.

 

Sorry that you're hurting. Take care of you and let go of him.

 

Edited to add - Some men will just have sex without thinking. Maybe in the moment it meant something but afterwards it can be easily forgotten about and dismissed like yesterday's news. Many men can separate love and sex. Most women cannot do that and you having sex with him meant something to you on an emotional level, and you connected with him while having sex. Sadly he didn't feel that way which IS why he's able to shut it off and let go so quickly.

Edited August 6, 2013 by whichwayisup

[starlet86]

I don't want to continue anything with him what so ever. I have no intention of going near him ever again. If he can do that to her, then what the hell can he do to me. I truly believe I wasn't the first and I wont be the last and I think she knows what he does any way but chooses to do nothing as to be honest she has a sweet deal at home.

 

I am very male minded when it comes to sex and I can detach myself very easily. Sex is sex to me. It is something I enjoy. I don't even think I have real feelings for him if I am honest. I think I just don't like the fact I was played. I hate being the OW. It is a role I have never played and it sucks.

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to continue anything with him what so ever. I have no intention of going near him ever again. If he can do that to her, then what the hell can he do to me. I truly believe I wasn't the first and I wont be the last and I think she knows what he does any way but chooses to do nothing as to be honest she has a sweet deal at home.

 

I am very male minded when it comes to sex and I can detach myself very easily. Sex is sex to me. It is something I enjoy. I don't even think I have real feelings for him if I am honest. I think I just don't like the fact I was played. I hate being the OW. It is a role I have never played and it sucks.

 

Then let go of your ego and pride. Put it out of your head and forget him. Move on and never look back, chalk it up to bad decision. You both played each other and used one another for different reasons and got something out of it. Just people hold those who are married MORE accountable. Each of you have had a part in all this, own yours and move on.

[starlet86]

Then let go of your ego and pride.

 

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. My pride has been dented because he didn't "chose" me. I am pretty sure had he ended things and came running to me I wouldn't have been interested anymore. That sounds terrible, but come on. I would NEVER have trusted him. I don't trust guys who are single when I meet them not to cheat on me for a long period. It takes me a while to build trust in anyone.

[krazikat]

I agree, him telling you the MORNING after he had his way with you in THEIR bed, that he was going to try to work things out with her is baloney and almost funny. Really.

 

The way I see it is he cares about no one. Not you, certainly not her. He'll be at it again and the way he disregards everyone's feelings this won't end nicely. He's not looking for love, he's just looking for a$$. Try not to waste your emotions on him, he's definitely not.

 

I think your onto something...and based upon this info, makes me wonder how many other women he has had in their bed...what an ass hat.

 

And whats up with his friends being in on the game? Did I read that right...they were supporting a story of how horrible the r was? Great group of people there...

[whichwayisup]

I think you hit the nail on the head. My pride has been dented because he didn't "chose" me. I am pretty sure had he ended things and came running to me I wouldn't have been interested anymore. That sounds terrible, but come on. I would NEVER have trusted him. I don't trust guys who are single when I meet them not to cheat on me for a long period. It takes me a while to build trust in anyone.

 

Like the honesty!

 

Yup, I have faith that once you let go of the ego and pride and losing out, you'll be fine. Just push thoughts of him out of your head. Besides, even if you ended up with him, you'd be an instant step mom to a very young child and have to deal with is ex for the rest of your life.

 

Work on the trust issue. not all men are cheaters... And, do yourself a favour, NO more dating or getting involved with a MM or someone who has a gf. This is also why you have trust issues - to knowingly get involved with someone who is taken or married does play a part in your own game plan. Hope that makes sense.

[starlet86]

In his friends defence the relationship is not good. We all live in a really small town and all our parents chat and there has been talk of how miserable the golden boy and girl of town are for a while. Regardless of how good or bad the relationship is though, I don't appreciate being a tool for him to work out if he wants to give it another shot or not. He could have went with some random girl and found that out without making me feel like a dirty home wrecker.

[whichwayisup]

In his friends defence the relationship is not good. We all live in a really small town and all our parents chat and there has been talk of how miserable the golden boy and girl of town are for a while. Regardless of how good or bad the relationship is though, I don't appreciate being a tool for him to work out if he wants to give it another shot or not. He could have went with some random girl and found that out without making me feel like a dirty home wrecker.

 

boo hoo, then he should end it. WTF is with these passive men who are complaining and unhappy yet they cannot end a R or a M. No back bone and they do what is easiest for them. Keep the R or M going and then cheat so they don't have to be the bad guy.. That is, until it ALL BLOWS UP in their faces.

[TaraMaiden]

Honey, get one thing straight:

He made you feel cheap and used.

The person who made you feel like a home-wrecker, is you.

 

Because you didn't do this once with him, knowing he had someone else, and a child into the bargain - you did it twice.

And that 'someone else with a child into the bargain' hadn't changed one iota.

 

The only thing that changed, was that after he'd finished phukking you, he informed you he was staying with his "Babymomma".

 

Suddenly discovering what a fool he'd made of you, made you suddenly realise you'd both made a fool of her too.

 

as I've said, one remedy would be to let her know.

you say you believe she may be aware of his infidelity.

I'd make sure she's in no doubt about it.

 

What she does with the information, is up to her.

but at least she'd make her decision with her eyes open.

[BetrayedH]

I think she knows what he does any way but chooses to do nothing as to be honest she has a sweet deal at home.

 

That's a pretty typical thing for an OW to say. Just so you know, the other lines that go with it are, "It's not my place" or "It's not my business." You could also say that you wouldn't want to do that to her but I think you've already said that one. The fact is that you already did it to her when you did him.

 

I hate being the OW. It is a role I have never played and it sucks.

 

Yet you seem to be following the script. Giving her the ability to make an informed decision is the ethical choice before you. The right thing to do is obvious; it just takes courage. Sadly, that's something that cheaters (and the people that assist them in the betrayal) pretty much universally lack.

 

Want to dig yourself out of this hole? Start making ethical decisions that you can be proud of. Otherwise, live with your guilt and quit pretending that you've somehow done the right thing. No mental gymnastics are required.

[starlet86]

So I bumped in to BS in the supermarket. I didn't really think it was the place to go airing stories of her SO and his infidelity, so I just carried on walking and she shouted my name. I stopped and turned and was met by a very smiley, cheerful woman who quite simply said "hey, look we don't talk about it, you don't talk about it and he doesn't need to know I know about it. Cool?" and then she breezed away. Judge me all you want, but if she wants to leave it at that, then that is fine. I am not about to cause a scene. She knows, I know she knows, he doesn't know that she knows and she wants it to stay that way...

 

This is the first time I have ever gotten involved with someone in a relationship and it is the last time. This is crazier stuff than a normal relationship with a psychotic ex.

[TaraMaiden]

Hmmm.....

 

Sorry.

 

Something stinks of Bovine Scatology.

 

In effect, she's giving you carte blanche to still phukk her man?

While he's the father of her child?

 

Yeah.....

 

No.

 

I don't buy it.

[fanine]

Hmmm.....

 

Sorry.

 

Something stinks of Bovine Scatology.

 

In effect, she's giving you carte blanche to still phukk her man?

While he's the father of her child?

 

Yeah.....

 

No.

 

I don't buy it.

 

I didn't read it like that. To me, this means she is saying look I know he has been seeing you, it is all out in the open, I am not going to tell him I know - but you just stay away right, don't contact me, as you cannot get to me. He is with me, you get on with your life and we get on with ours...

(i.e. maybe she thinks the Ow might try and create a scene by revealing it all to the wife - but by saying this she stops that)

[TaraMaiden]

OP IS the OW....

 

Woman who stopped her in the supermarket IS the 'wife'....?

 

Not getting your post.

[fanine]

OP IS the OW....

 

Woman who stopped her in the supermarket IS the 'wife'....?

 

Not getting your post.

 

Exactly. It seems to me that by approaching the OW she is saying the A is over and done with, the husband is with her and staying with her - by saying she knows about it all, and they don't speak about it, then it is over, in the past, not something the OW can try and drag up and try and cause trouble with - she might think the OW could go bunny boiler even. That's my impression. She is putting on a brave face as well knowing what has happened, what her husband has been up to.

[TaraMaiden]

In that case, everyone is happy.

 

he's had his phukk-on-the-side, his wife still has him, and the OP is happy to have dodged the bullet.

 

I guess that's it sorted then!

 

[starlet86]

I think it was more a warning from her, a kind of "right b*tch I know what you done with my man, but he is mine and I don't really fancy everyone finding out about this, so stay the hell away from him and keep your mouth shut about it and I'll let you away with it this once" sort of thing.

 

She keeps her baby daddy and personal ATM.

I get to carry on and move forward with my life.

He gets to carry on doing what ever he wants to do.

 

It's a pretty damn good outcome and I would also be lying if I said I can't take a few positives away from this. Firstly after a devastating break up in which is was cheated on and left for someone else, I felt pretty low. This fling helped me get past that (selfish of me I know) also I realised I am never going to be cut out to be anyone's bit on the side and lastly and more importantly I realised that screwing around with something that is not yours is not big or clever. If you want something of your own, go out and earn it. Don't take it from someone else. It isn't as shiny or new when someone else has already laid claim to it before you.

[TaraMaiden]

Sound Logic.

Well done.