My brother is dating my EX wife

[Bkeys72]

Hi, my name is Brian and I stumbled upon this forum through Google and I'm new to this so please be patient with me, here's my situation. My brother has been going out with my ex wife for awhile. And they never asked me how I would feel about it or thought about how it would effect me. well its eating me up inside seeing them together, how do I get over it. and I've talk to them about it and they don't seem to care how I feel. like is it wrong for them to be going out. I just need some advise on how to get over it.

[TaraMaiden]

Falling in Love isn't a choice.

If she's your ex (done and dusted) then sadly, you don't have a say.

While I see the insensitivity and tactlessness, ultimately, this isn't their problem.

 

It's yours.

[Misfortune]

Hi, my name is Brian and I stumbled upon this forum through Google and I'm new to this so please be patient with me, here's my situation. My brother has been going out with my ex wife for awhile. And they never asked me how I would feel about it or thought about how it would effect me. well its eating me up inside seeing them together, how do I get over it. and I've talk to them about it and they don't seem to care how I feel. like is it wrong for them to be going out. I just need some advise on how to get over it.

 

How long have you guys been broken up?

[Bkeys72]

How long have you guys been broken up?

A little over 10 months

[tinker683]

Sounds to me like you and your brother are going to need a lot of space for a while....

[supaflyz]

This sound like a story that would be on Jerry Springer. I don't know what to say man. Something similar happen in our family. Needless to say 2 of my aunts no longer see each other face to face. It's been a very long time. We are trying our best to help them reconcile and talk to each other again because my grandma is almost 96 now.

[Misfortune]

A little over 10 months

 

These kind of things make you wonder if they were doing things while you were with her.

[thefooloftheyear]

I often underestimate just how important a strong and loyal family is. I am fortunate to have this type of family..Not only would a sibling not do it, neither would a distant second cousin..

 

Nonsense....No woman is worth a family rift...None...

 

TFY

[Bkeys72]

These kind of things make you wonder if they were doing things while you were with her.

I know what you mean... I mean seriously though, out of all the BILLIONS of SINGLE women out there on this planet..SMH

[TaraMaiden]

it takes 2 to tango.

They chose each other, and I'm sure it's not a deliberate conspiracy to hurt you.

 

Are you jealous, too?

[iouaname]

it takes 2 to tango.

They chose each other, and I'm sure it's not a deliberate conspiracy to hurt you.

 

I mean, they must have known how it would make him feel. It may not have been deliberate to hurt him, but it was done in spite of the fact that it would. It's pretty ****ty of both of them, his brother especially.

 

Honestly, I would not be able to have my brother in my life at this point if I were you. 10 months? Geez!

[TaraMaiden]

It is what it is.

 

If people want to be together, then sometimes, personal feelings over-ride the feelings of others.

 

Nobody can live their lives in deference to someone else.

It's not shi.tt.y, it's real.

It happens.

 

Awkward as it may be, insensitive, tactless...call it what you want.

 

it's happened.

 

Why should THEY give up on something they feel deeply, simply because of certain relations?

 

It is no more unreasonable for them to tell him to suck it up, as it is for him to tell them it's insensitive.

 

It's not a situation that can be resolved easily.

 

So the best way to face it - is to face it.

[thefooloftheyear]

It is what it is.

 

If people want to be together, then sometimes, personal feelings over-ride the feelings of others.

 

Nobody can live their lives in deference to someone else.

It's not shi.tt.y, it's real.

It happens.

 

Awkward as it may be, insensitive, tactless...call it what you want.

 

it's happened.

 

Why should THEY give up on something they feel deeply, simply because of certain relations?

 

It is no more unreasonable for them to tell him to suck it up, as it is for him to tell them it's insensitive.

 

It's not a situation that can be resolved easily.

 

So the best way to face it - is to face it.

 

 

Because no stranger is going to make me feel "deep" enough to alienate my own flesh and blood...

 

But some people treat their family like any other idiot on the street(or even worse)..so in those cases, I agree..why not...(shrug)

 

TFY

[TaraMaiden]

That's an ideology that works wonderfully on 'paper' and when you're not in it.

 

But actually, you'll only really know what gives when you find yourself in the same situation.

 

(Please note, the 'you' is generic, not specific to anyone here.....)

 

The same thing happened to my twin Italian Cousins.

Granted, it never got as far as marriage, although there was an engagement.

 

but she split from one, and 4 months later, hooked up with the twin.

 

They are married now.

Cousin #1 had to suck it up.....

 

it is what it is.

[iouaname]

Cousin #1 had to suck it up.....

 

it is what it is.

 

Dealing with it and knowing that it's something you have to deal with is one thing. Of course he's going to deal with it.

 

It's still ****ty on their part and I don't buy for a second that 'love just happened.'

 

I think it's more than reasonable that he cut both of them out of his life, if it's what he feels he needs to do.

Edited August 6, 2013 by iouaname

[tinker683]

Dealing with it and knowing that it's something you have to deal with is one thing. Of course he's going to deal with it.

 

It's still ****ty on their part and I don't buy for a second that 'love just happened.'

 

I think it's more than reasonable that he cut both of them out of his life, if it's what he feels he needs to do.

 

It's what I would do.

 

They both have absolutely every right to date each other...but he has every right to do what he needs to do to move on (since he hasn't) and part of that is NC and since his brother is the new boyfriend...he get's lumped in with it.

 

If his brother cries foul, then he should calmly explain the above, wish them both well, and then go about there separate ways up and until a) He gets over her or b) the relationship ends.

 

That simple.

[M30USA]

It is what it is.

 

If people want to be together, then sometimes, personal feelings over-ride the feelings of others.

 

Nobody can live their lives in deference to someone else.

It's not shi.tt.y, it's real.

It happens.

 

Awkward as it may be, insensitive, tactless...call it what you want.

 

it's happened.

 

Why should THEY give up on something they feel deeply, simply because of certain relations?

 

It is no more unreasonable for them to tell him to suck it up, as it is for him to tell them it's insensitive.

 

It's not a situation that can be resolved easily.

 

So the best way to face it - is to face it.

 

If you think that people's feelings for each other override everything, then what about dating a minor (statutory rape), or what about dating a pedophile, or what about dating your mother and father?

 

Clearly there have to be SOME lines drawn, no?

[veggirl]

WOW that is ****ed up.

 

It's like...if you are married and you find yourself with a crush on a co-worker or friend, the right thing to do is to distance yourself 100% from that person and stay loyal to your spouse.

 

If you find yourself with a crush on your brothers wife/ex wife, the right thing to do is distance yourself 100% from that person and stay loyal to your family.

 

Don't feed the crush and it'll go away. Nothing STARTS as love, there is no defending this jerk-off of a brother.

 

OP what does your brother say about this? What does the rest of the family think? I mean ffs is she gonna start coming to Christmas with him instead of you?!

[stillafool]

Hi, my name is Brian and I stumbled upon this forum through Google and I'm new to this so please be patient with me, here's my situation. My brother has been going out with my ex wife for awhile. And they never asked me how I would feel about it or thought about how it would effect me. well its eating me up inside seeing them together, how do I get over it. and I've talk to them about it and they don't seem to care how I feel. like is it wrong for them to be going out. I just need some advise on how to get over it.

 

I'm so sorry for you as this must be extremely painful. If you don't mind my asking what lead to the divorce? Did you ever notice anything peculiar between them?

[reddragon588]

I'm honestly very sorry to hear that. It's incredibly difficult to deal with I imagine. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your brother and lay out how you feel to him. I wouldn't ask him to end things but I would tell him how you feel. And then maybe leave him alone for a while so that you can deal with this and heal.

[coltsfan1]

Hi, my name is Brian and I stumbled upon this forum through Google and I'm new to this so please be patient with me, here's my situation. My brother has been going out with my ex wife for awhile. And they never asked me how I would feel about it or thought about how it would effect me. well its eating me up inside seeing them together, how do I get over it. and I've talk to them about it and they don't seem to care how I feel. like is it wrong for them to be going out. I just need some advise on how to get over it.

 

This IS WRONG!!! Your brother should be loyal to you to a fault, & you to him. If he chose her let him. Inform him & your immediate family (not your ex since she isn't family anymore) that you will no longer be able to attend functions as long as they are there. This WILL cause problems and may drive your brother & ex closer but you will be making a clear stance on the situation. Your brother should 100% show more respect for your feeling & more loyalty as your brother. If he was a friend then the rules would be more like Tara feels, however he isn't a friend he is your brother so different rules apply.

 

Personally my brother and myself would take payment in flesh for an act such as this. Whether I did this to my brother or he did it to me it would end in only one way, BLOOD.

[icaro]

Whoa! I like the honesty, though, honestly : ) it burns a little, maybe more.

 

My ex of 2.5 years began a sexual relationship with my best friend (whom I explicitly asked to not see my ex for a month or so while I was processing the break-up) 2 weeks after it was over.

 

I've been stewing everyday over this and cursing them both constantly--watching the undulations and machinations of fear and desire-- and hope.

 

I see how much of this is indeed my projection-- the whole relationship really was a big codependent nest of projection, but that's another matter-- and how ultimately it is my problem. Though, I still seek validation from others and feel vindicated when I relay the saga to them-- I come out looking like the "good guy."

 

I appreciate your perspective Tara, but it goes down bitter...

[TaraMaiden]

This IS WRONG!!! Your brother should be loyal to you to a fault, & you to him. If he chose her let him. Inform him & your immediate family (not your ex since she isn't family anymore) that you will no longer be able to attend functions as long as they are there. This WILL cause problems and may drive your brother & ex closer but you will be making a clear stance on the situation. Your brother should 100% show more respect for your feeling & more loyalty as your brother. If he was a friend then the rules would be more like Tara feels, however he isn't a friend he is your brother so different rules apply.

 

Personally my brother and myself would take payment in flesh for an act such as this. Whether I did this to my brother or he did it to me it would end in only one way, BLOOD.

Classic case of emotional response to the situation instead of one of reason.

The above is really quite ridiculous.

The fact that they're related is a by-product.

 

he needs to detach himself and let them know how he feels, but he can't prevent it, and there's no reason why he should.

Edited August 7, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[TaraMaiden]

If you think that people's feelings for each other override everything, then what about dating a minor (statutory rape), or what about dating a pedophile, or what about dating your mother and father?

 

Clearly there have to be SOME lines drawn, no?

 

Oh quit with this, will you?

 

You're introducing irrelevant elements here.

When people in such positions post, their situations can be addressed individually.

Stop steering the argument into pointless areas and going Off-topic.

[Radu]

OP, i don't think you and your brother will see each other for a while.

It's probably for the best if blood is not thicker than water for him.

 

That's an ideology that works wonderfully on 'paper' and when you're not in it.

 

But actually, you'll only really know what gives when you find yourself in the same situation.

 

(Please note, the 'you' is generic, not specific to anyone here.....)

 

The same thing happened to my twin Italian Cousins.

Granted, it never got as far as marriage, although there was an engagement.

 

but she split from one, and 4 months later, hooked up with the twin.

 

They are married now.

Cousin #1 had to suck it up.....

 

it is what it is.

 

Reading this thread untill your post i would think 'unusual position, i wonder why'.

I think your life experience may have coloured your perception of this.