My brother is dating my EX wife

[TaraMaiden]

No, not at all.

I actually believe that such situations are all too often tackled solely with an emotional viewpoint.

Sometimes, you have to view an emotional situation with a rational head.

 

Sometimes, when a situation embroils you too closely, emotionally, and you realise it is having a detrimental effect upon your thought processes, you need to step back and evaluate precisely what the issue is.

 

His ex wife (emphasis on the EX) is now seeing someone else.

 

That in and of itself may be hurtful.

 

The fact that it's his brother, seems to magnify the issue.

The OP has taken all of this as a personal affront.

 

The matter unfortunately, is his problem.

 

While I have agreed that it's tactless and inconsiderate, it is what it is.

 

Where is my perception 'coloured'?

 

(Oh, and EDIT: Read icaro's post. Furthermore, the OP has not responded to my last question to him. To whit, is he jealous?)

Edited August 7, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[TaraMaiden]

Whoa! I like the honesty, though, honestly : ) it burns a little, maybe more.

 

My ex of 2.5 years began a sexual relationship with my best friend (whom I explicitly asked to not see my ex for a month or so while I was processing the break-up) 2 weeks after it was over.

 

I've been stewing everyday over this and cursing them both constantly--watching the undulations and machinations of fear and desire-- and hope.

 

I see how much of this is indeed my projection-- the whole relationship really was a big codependent nest of projection, but that's another matter-- and how ultimately it is my problem. Though, I still seek validation from others and feel vindicated when I relay the saga to them-- I come out looking like the "good guy."

 

I appreciate your perspective Tara, but it goes down bitter...

 

Sorry, icaro,, I'm very in-your-face with my statements.

[Virgil876]

Wow, people can be so cruel, I know they are free to do as they like, but that is asking for the immediate loved ones to dislike them... And so sorry to hear these stories.

[thefooloftheyear]

How special would it be that you go ahead with all of this, alienate you r flesh and blood, and after all of that, she winds up cheating on you or dropping you on your head for someone else....

 

Because now, not only did you lose your so -called "soul mate" and love of your life:rolleyes:, but now you have lost respect of your family and have done irreperable damage..

 

SOs are just people...Your family is your family..I think veggirl had a good take on it...If you find yourself going there, back away..

 

I wont lose my family over it, thats for sure...It IS that important.

 

TFY

[Radu]

No, not at all.

I actually believe that such situations are all too often tackled solely with an emotional viewpoint.

Sometimes, you have to view an emotional situation with a rational head.

 

Sometimes, when a situation embroils you too closely, emotionally, and you realise it is having a detrimental effect upon your thought processes, you need to step back and evaluate precisely what the issue is.

 

His ex wife (emphasis on the EX) is now seeing someone else.

 

That in and of itself may be hurtful.

While that may in fact be hurting him, the fact that she is seeing someone ... is something he will have to deal with.

 

The fact that it's his brother, seems to magnify the issue.

The OP has taken all of this as a personal affront.

 

The matter unfortunately, is his problem.

While it has indeed magnified the problem [for him], the fact that she is seeing his brother is a separate problem that shows how little her and his brother think or care about him.

Hell, they may even completely dislike him.

 

She has shown complete lact of tact and disgust for him, and he has betrayed his family ... something that at least for me is unforgiveable.

 

While I have agreed that it's tactless and inconsiderate, it is what it is.

 

Where is my perception 'coloured'?

 

(Oh, and EDIT: Read icaro's post. Furthermore, the OP has not responded to my last question to him. To whit, is he jealous?)

The situation you presented in your own family with the twins.

 

In my family, what his brother has done would be ... contemptable.

[Sugarkane]

Defiantly really tactless. I find this strange because what do people usually do after a breakup?- take sides with their family/friend no matter what. I've never thought about dating one of my sisters ex boyfriends ever, let alone after they broke up.

Edited August 7, 2013 by Sugarkane

[TaraMaiden]

While that may in fact be hurting him, the fact that she is seeing someone ... is something he will have to deal with.

True dat.

 

While it has indeed magnified the problem [for him], the fact that she is seeing his brother is a separate problem that shows how little her and his brother think or care about him.

Hell, they may even completely dislike him.

Yup, that's also a possibility.

But what exactly can he do about it?

Nothing.

It's not a question of 'how little they care about him'.

It's a question of their being at liberty, as two grown adults, to do what they want.

 

There should be discussions, there should be some kind of dialogue. But he has no more right to ask them to not date, than his brother has of asking him to bless their union.

It may not be an ideal, but it's a reality.

 

 

She has shown complete lact of tact and disgust for him, and he has betrayed his family ... something that at least for me is unforgiveable.

Yes, you see, permitting your emotional opinion to dominate, obscures the logic and rationale of the matter.

You may not be able to forgive, but how practical is that?

And how far would your unforgiving attitude take you?

Where would it get you, but embracing yet more hostility?

 

 

 

The situation you presented in your own family with the twins.

It was 15 years ago, so it really isn't a current enough issue to 'cloud my opinion'. I just gave it as an example of the fact that these things happen.

 

In my family, what his brother has done would be ... contemptible.

Well, I'd be hesitant to fall in love with anyone if your family was so full of vehement judgement and an inability to see all sides of the matter.

 

Your family may judge it contemptible, but frankly, it would be none of their business.

 

The people who matter are those concerned.

The brothers should talk, and the air cleared.

but as to stopping the relationship, well, I really don't see why.

 

I'm still curious to hear Brian's response on the jealousy issue.

[iouaname]

It's not a question of 'how little they care about him'.

It's a question of their being at liberty, as two grown adults, to do what they want.

 

I disagree whole-heatedly with this. His brother and his ex wife took the time to cultivate a relationship, likely knowing that the relationship would hurt the OP. Whether it was his brother's intention to hurt him or not, the fact that he's dating the ex-wife shows a complete lack of regard for the OPs feelings.

 

You seem to be operating under the idea that everyone has a right to do as they please without regard for the feelings of others. Of course they are able, but just because you're able doesn't mean you should.

 

Yes, you see, permitting your emotional opinion to dominate, obscures the logic and rationale of the matter.

 

Aren't they, as well? Is his brother not allowing his emotions to dominate his rationale? I don't believe that anyone is naive enough to not know that dating their brother's ex wife would cause hurt feelings and tension.

 

Well, I'd be hesitant to fall in love with anyone if your family was so full of vehement judgement and an inability to see all sides of the matter.

 

I find this unreasonable. I think most families would find this situation difficult to deal with and I think it's entirely understandable the tension and damage it would cause. Why is the brother, who made the choice, allowed all of these exemptions in your eyes because he's 'an adult in love' while everyone else who is affected by his decision, supposed to act rationally and embrace it? Why is everyone else supposed to put aside the very reasonable feelings of betrayal because of the selfish actions of one person?

 

but as to stopping the relationship, well, I really don't see why.

 

How does one clear the air? It's one thing for the OP to accept the relationship and move forward, it's another to accept the relationship and then be exposed to it for as long as it lasts. For what reason? I think it's hypocritical to expect that the OP put aside his feelings of hurt and betrayal because 'it's his brother' when 'it's his brother' clearly did not hold weight for his brother.

 

I'm still curious to hear Brian's response on the jealousy issue.

 

What is the relevance, if you don't mind me asking?

[Legatus]

I wouldn't call such a person a "brother". Brother would always care how his sibling feels, especially when it comes to dating ex's. "Men code" may seem funny to some people, especially women, but you don't date your mate's ex, not to mention your brother's.

[bubbaganoosh]

Well there goes the theory that blood is thicker than water. That's some brother you got there. I mean there are lines that you don't cross and something like this can cause so much friction in a family. It boils down to just using good common sense. It's obvious that your brother is thinking with his little head instead of his big head and your ex is no better. Both know that this is a raw nerve and they only care about themselves. Sorry friend.

[amaysngrace]

You're better off without either of them in your life. You can't have a rational discussion about loyalty with someone who is so damn dysfunctional.

 

Save your breath.

[TaraMaiden]

I disagree whole-heatedly with this. His brother and his ex wife took the time to cultivate a relationship, likely knowing that the relationship would hurt the OP. Whether it was his brother's intention to hurt him or not, the fact that he's dating the ex-wife shows a complete lack of regard for the OPs feelings.

We have yet to discover whether any discussion actually ensued or whether anyone has actually talked about this. The OP gave scant information, and has said very little since. I suspect partly to evince sympathy and people 'on his side' but we scarcely know anything about what has transpired, at all.

 

You seem to be operating under the idea that everyone has a right to do as they please without regard for the feelings of others. Of course they are able, but just because you're able doesn't mean you should.

No...I haven't said that, and I have not given that indication.

you've taken that view.

I have on more than one occasion stated it was tactless and hurtful.

I have agreed that it's not surprising that Brian feels hurt by it.

What I am saying is that as consenting adults, there is little he can practically do to prevent this.

 

Aren't they, as well? Is his brother not allowing his emotions to dominate his rationale? I don't believe that anyone is naive enough to not know that dating their brother's ex wife would cause hurt feelings and tension.

As I've already said, we actually know very little of what has happened.

All Brian has told us is that his brother is dating his ex wife. He maintains no communication took place and no consideration was made of his feelings or that they didn't ask him about the matter.

 

That's rude, tactless, insensitive, sure.

But the problem still remains.

He is powerless to stop it, and there is no obligation on their part to do so.

Sad as it may sound, that's the reality of it.

 

I find this unreasonable. I think most families would find this situation difficult to deal with and I think it's entirely understandable the tension and damage it would cause. Why is the brother, who made the choice, allowed all of these exemptions in your eyes because he's 'an adult in love' while everyone else who is affected by his decision, supposed to act rationally and embrace it?

I never said anywhere they should embrace it.

But it's not really anything they can alter, manage or do anything about, and sadly, the bottom line is that it's none of their business.

All familial involvement is based on gut reactive emotion, which is a wrong starting point from which to operate.

 

Why is everyone else supposed to put aside the very reasonable feelings of betrayal because of the selfish actions of one person?

Where does it get them and what can they accomplish by it?

 

How does one clear the air? It's one thing for the OP to accept the relationship and move forward, it's another to accept the relationship and then be exposed to it for as long as it lasts. For what reason? I think it's hypocritical to expect that the OP put aside his feelings of hurt and betrayal because 'it's his brother' when 'it's his brother' clearly did not hold weight for his brother.

They need to talk.

Brian may not ever be able to accept the relationship, but he cannot force or oblige them to separate and not date.

So what should he do?

it's true his brother and ex-wife should definitely have managed the situation in a far more humane way, but even if they had done, would that make Brain actually feel any better?

Would he have given it his blessing, or would he still be in this frame of mind?

we have no idea.

He has not been very forthcoming, really....

 

What is the relevance, if you don't mind me asking?

It complicates matters even more if Brian is still in love with his ex-wife, don't you think?

[icaro]

Sorry, icaro,, I'm very in-your-face with my statements.

 

It's okay. It's good. It's not what I thought I came here for, but it's what I need to hear. As you say over and over in this thread "what can he do?," which I transpose to "What can I do?" concerning my situation. My answer: Nothing concerning them. I can only watch the thoughts and feel the feelings until they recede or until I see their source, should they even have one.

 

"Feel your feelings" they say. It's different than rumination or cogitation.

 

Other than that, I'm doing a ton of yoga, surfing a little, and beginning projects that I simply did not have the energy to do while in my relationship because I was, foolishly, giving all my energy to her... (which is one of the factors of it's demise...another matter entirely).

 

Your encouragement to face the facts and see that you have no control, as I said before, while painful to acknowledge, is key. I hope Brian does get support from his family and can have a productive talk with his brother, but there are no gurantees. Can he find, can I find, strength in accepting that fact?

 

There is insight to gain from the suffering... am I, is Brian, open to it?

[Bkeys72]

it takes 2 to tango.

They chose each other, and I'm sure it's not a deliberate conspiracy to hurt you.

 

Are you jealous, too?

Umm no I'm not jealous.....and thanks for understanding my situation.

[Chi townD]

Totally not cool of your brother and your Ex wife. Dude, if there's no kids involved, I would move away. California is too expensive anyway. Move to Florida and totally cut them out of your life.

[Bkeys72]

WOW that is ****ed up.

 

It's like...if you are married and you find yourself with a crush on a co-worker or friend, the right thing to do is to distance yourself 100% from that person and stay loyal to your spouse.

 

If you find yourself with a crush on your brothers wife/ex wife, the right thing to do is distance yourself 100% from that person and stay loyal to your family.

 

Don't feed the crush and it'll go away. Nothing STARTS as love, there is no defending this jerk-off of a brother.

 

OP what does your brother say about this? What does the rest of the family think? I mean ffs is she gonna start coming to Christmas with him instead of you?!

My family basically feels the same way everyone else on here feels. They said that there are MILLIONS of other simgle women out there in the world for him to do that. My brother said that he always kinda liked her from the beginning but when me and her got together he backed off and just did his own thing.

[Bkeys72]

I'm so sorry for you as this must be extremely painful. If you don't mind my asking what lead to the divorce? Did you ever notice anything peculiar between them?

 

Financial problems...and no I never noticed anything at all they never really talked that much to each other from the start.

[Bkeys72]

My sister eventually will get married to my ex-husband.

 

Now THAT hurts.

Damn I'm sorry for you mam welcome to the "Backstabbing selfish and inconsiderate siblings club"...I'm the president:-(

[will1988]

Classic case of emotional response to the situation instead of one of reason.

The above is really quite ridiculous.

The fact that they're related is a by-product.

 

he needs to detach himself and let them know how he feels, but he can't prevent it, and there's no reason why he should.

 

Yes, because if my brother started banging my fiance or I started banging his wife, we could all sit down like rational people and only see the joy in how crapy the situation is. Your a cool broad Tara, but I am not on your page with this one. This guy's wife left him and is now with his brother, and only after 10 months. How on earth can anyone expect only happy tidings and rainbow sprinkles to come from such an act of betrayel?

[stillafool]

Financial problems...and no I never noticed anything at all they never really talked that much to each other from the start.

 

Does your brother have more money? Do you live in a small town? I'm just wondering why your ex would want her brother-in-law. To me my BIL is my brother. Who next for her, your father?

[Speakingofwhich]

My sister (who is probably a sociopath) D her husband, a great guy. I tried to talk her out of it and she wouldn't listen.

 

He began to call me just to talk. After a couple of calls I gave him phone #s of a couple of my friends. He ended up marrying one of them.

 

My sister has never forgiven me, won't speak to me. But, hey, what if she knew he was calling me and it could have been me instead of one of my friends that he married?

 

I wouldn't have done that even to a sister who's whacko and I don't care to be around! Seems incestuous. And would definitely have made our family even more dysfunctional than it already is, if that's even possible!

[Bkeys72]

Does your brother have more money? Do you live in a small town? I'm just wondering why your ex would want her brother-in-law. To me my BIL is my brother. Who next for her, your father?

No I live in Sacamento ,CA he makes a little less money than I do, He is a store manager at Best Buys. I'm not exactly sure what made her want to be with him he's not exactly a flyboy or anything and she never really told me why she liked him either..hmmm