Lying at the start of a relationship...

[Linial80]

Hi all, been a lurker for some time reading other stories with interest. Figured I should contribute myself.

 

I've been in a relationship for approximately six months. Things are great, we live together, etc. My partner did recently tell me that when we first started going out (we had slept together) that she exchanged numbers with another guy on a night out and texted him for a little bit. She told me that they did not meet up again and that she was just confused. She had been in a number of bad relationships and wasn't sure if we would last. Which I can understand. Most people keep their options open early I figure.

 

However, I was recently talking to one of her friends and that issue came up and I mentioned how I knew all about it. The friend then starts talking how it was "only one date and a kiss". Much to my surprise. The friend quickly realized I knew nothing of that and pretty much begged me not to say anything at fear of their friendship being ruined. I'm not a jerk, and don't want to cause an issue there.

 

The issue that I do face is that my partner flat out lied - failing to disclose some rather important information that I think I deserve to know.

 

I know that she loves me. I know that she is faithful (now) and had she told me the full story to begin with I would have no problem.

 

I have been racking my brain over the issue and put it down to numerous reasons:

 

1. She lied out of self preservation and could easily do it again. I don't look through her phone or anything like that and have no intention of doing so. But what's to say there aren't more hidden nasties.

 

2. She made a mistake and didn't tell me the full story at fear of the relationship being ended by me.

 

3. There is no issue and people "play the field" early on. I wouldn't and didn't, but everybody is different.

 

I would be interested to hear other's thoughts/opinions.

 

I don't see much point in confronting the issue with her. It would jeopardize her good friendship, and the opportunity to tell me the full story has well and truly past.

 

Am I reading too much into this and should I just forget and forgive?

Or should I have doubts?

 

Thanks.

[CarrieT]

I think you are reading too much into it...

 

Yeah, she was multi-dating and you have heard it was one date and a small kiss. No biggie.

 

A small lie, but I doubt it was indicative of her being a serial liar.

[Linial80]

I think you are reading too much into it...

 

Yeah, she was multi-dating and you have heard it was one date and a small kiss. No biggie.

 

A small lie, but I doubt it was indicative of her being a serial liar.

 

Thanks for the well-thought input.

You are probably right, it isn't a major deal. But it did make me wonder.

 

I guess personally I wouldn't be going out kissing other women whilst I was sleeping with another. But that's me.

 

I know she loves me. It just hurts to be lied to. Even if it is a once off.

[Darren Steez]

hmm and hmmm

 

another hmmmm

 

Tell you a story. My ex and I started seeing each other. We were unofficially official, a year of knowing each other, two months pretty full on.

 

She went out one night, said she was going to a pub for a celebration of her friends new job. Couldn't get a hold of her that night, and this was a girl who always had her phone out on the table every time she went out. I trusted. No biggie.

 

About two years later, same thing, same friend, only this time she says she's going to a house party..just like her last job.. huh? I thought you went to a pub?

Pub..no you must be confused I said it was a house party...

 

I'd caught her in many lies before that. Moral of the story she cheated the hell out of me.

 

A lie is a lie. It's gets easier to lie if you're getting away with it. You're assuming she tells her friend everything. She exchanged numbers..maybe he called her over..you never know?

 

If you had known she kissed him, would you have still pursued her?

 

I'd call her out on it. You may think whatever, I can deal, but the truth is doubt has now been introduced. Enough doubt to come here and ask about it, so it must be grating at you.

[Linial80]

hmm and hmmm

 

another hmmmm

 

Tell you a story. My ex and I started seeing each other. We were unofficially official, a year of knowing each other, two months pretty full on.

 

She went out one night, said she was going to a pub for a celebration of her friends new job. Couldn't get a hold of her that night, and this was a girl who always had her phone out on the table every time she went out. I trusted. No biggie.

 

About two years later, same thing, same friend, only this time she says she's going to a house party..just like her last job.. huh? I thought you went to a pub?

Pub..no you must be confused I said it was a house party...

 

I'd caught her in many lies before that. Moral of the story she cheated the hell out of me.

 

A lie is a lie. It's gets easier to lie if you're getting away with it. You're assuming she tells her friend everything. She exchanged numbers..maybe he called her over..you never know?

 

If you had known she kissed him, would you have still pursued her?

 

I'd call her out on it. You may think whatever, I can deal, but the truth is doubt has now been introduced. Enough doubt to come here and ask about it, so it must be grating at you.

 

Thanks for the reply/input. I do understand what you're saying.

 

However the kiss, or whatever it was isn't the issue for me. It was early days (first month) - and I know, 100% there isn't anything like that going on now. It was the lie, and lack of full disclosure that bothered me.

 

I wouldn't say it is "grating" me. But I was interested enough to hear other, independent person's point of view on it.

 

I think CarrieT may have hit the nail on the head. She was probably just multi-dating, as opposed to plainly "cheating". A mistake in my books, but not one to end a relationship. Had she of done that now, then yes. Case closed of course.

 

I guess if I was to learn of any other lies, then my thoughts would change. But I think most relationships would have a few little lies here or there.

[BradJacobs]

Or should I have doubts?

Were you exclusive when she went on the date and kissed the guy?

[Linial80]

Were you exclusive when she went on the date and kissed the guy?

 

I was. She obviously wasnt, ha! But I think exclusive is a bog term to throw out so early into a relationship.

 

When she told me her version (texting only) she did say that it was very stupid and shameful on her behalf and that I took it "too well". She said I had every right to be angry, and couldnt understand why I didn't start yelling etc (which I have never done, with any partner). She has had some bad relationships where her partners cheated and were verbally abusive. Maybe she was scared of admitting the truth, and now has to live with that lie. I can acknowledge that people keep their options open early. Maybe she did blatantly do the wrong thing, but has learned from it and realises we have something special. I know that she does love me.

 

I'm not an idiot, thankfully. And would know if she was a compulsive liar.

[BradJacobs]

I was. She obviously wasnt, ha! But I think exclusive is a bog term to throw out so early into a relationship.

Yet, for situations like this, it is a pretty clear line drawn in the sand.

[Linial80]

Yet, for situations like this, it is a pretty clear line drawn in the sand.

 

The line is definitely drawn now.

She knows that I wouldn't tolerate it at this stage. But I don't think it would be a reoccurring issue. And if it was, it would make a relationship ending devision pretty easy.

[IAmRobot]

Hard to say.

Really hard.

You should examine her other behaviors.... Her past...

 

I think this fact is IMPORTANT. It shows you that she would lie out of self-preservation. (I.e. she would never tell you if she cheated, or did something stupid).

 

But again 95% of people would LIE out of self-preservation.

 

If you choose to keep on with this R, you need to foster a more acceptive aura. Truth is that the MAIN REASON, she didn't tell you was out of FEAR that you would not REACT well...

[Linial80]

Hard to say.

Really hard.

You should examine her other behaviors.... Her past...

 

I think this fact is IMPORTANT. It shows you that she would lie out of self-preservation. (I.e. she would never tell you if she cheated, or did something stupid).

 

But again 95% of people would LIE out of self-preservation.

 

If you choose to keep on with this R, you need to foster a more acceptive aura. Truth is that the MAIN REASON, she didn't tell you was out of FEAR that you would not REACT well...

 

Her other behaviours aren't a concern. She will play on her phone in front of me, doesn't have a passcode/pin for it and does leave it lying around occasionally. Not the behaviour of someone hiding things. She doesn't go out unexpectedly, doesn't come late suspiciously etc.

 

She has definitely been more honest/open with other things since then. Your comment about "fear". If it was fear, it was of the relationship ending, not anything else. She knows that I would bever raise my voice at her, let alone a hand. She is younger than myself, and I could see how her past relationships may have clouded her judgements early in this one.

[ChessPieceFace]

On the one hand it's understandable from the viewpoint of a basically good person who doesn't want to lose what they have. On the other hand it's still a significant lie, and could be the tip of the iceberg. I don't see how you can fully trust her now. Find a way to get more info about her past and whether she's cheated on anyone else.

[Leigh 87]

My ex did something similar to me.

 

About a week after he met me for the first time, he kissed a girl at a club, but realised that he only wanted to be exclusive to me (through trying to kiss the other girl, he realised it felt wrong to him).

 

He never told me. It came out because, 7 or 8 months later, we were so in love but I had a gut feeling that he had in fact, done something in the past....albeit, on a small scale. I knew he wouldn't have done anything too bad.

 

I asked him; I said "I just know you have hooked up with someone else since we first met/started seeing each other:

 

He came clean and felt awful about it and simply said that he was desperately afraid to lose me, hence why he wanted to wait before being honest about it; he thought he would lose me over it.

 

And you know, he probably would have lost me. I do not tend to date guys who multi date, as I believe if the guy finds a girl he is head over heals about, then he will really only focus on THEM and NOT need to multi date.

 

Anyways. I believed him. He went on several party holidays and I have good sources that confirmed that he never cheated on me.

[Suave]

Pretty sure my ex messed around on me when she went to Mexico but I have no proof of that and it's been months since then so I don't really think about it.

[Virgil876]

According to the girls at the stripper thread, it is definitely cheating.

 

Anyway, you seem to have explained that the line was drawn so if it bothers you then you need to talk to her.

[Linial80]

Thanks for all the replies. During the chats about it she did mention that she has cheated once on a partner (kissed an ex whilst with someone else - not me).

 

So I do give her credit on being honest in regards to other things.

 

I suppose I will just pass it off as "multi dating" since we hadn't established exclusivesness. I can forgive it without being eaten away by it.

 

It is a strange feeling to know that your partner was off with someone else. But back then, when it happened, I wouldn't have described her as "my partner".

 

It would only resurface if there were other secrets in the future.

[Radu]

If she doesn't yet know that you know, i would keep it to myself and just see what happens.

It's not that she was multidating [which she was, and technically cheating because you were exclusive, she wasn't even though you believed she was], it's that she lies.

 

If she is the kind to lie often, it will come out in the future.

If not, it's not much of a problem.

[Linial80]

If she doesn't yet know that you know, i would keep it to myself and just see what happens.

It's not that she was multidating [which she was, and technically cheating because you were exclusive, she wasn't even though you believed she was], it's that she lies.

 

If she is the kind to lie often, it will come out in the future.

If not, it's not much of a problem.

 

Thanks. Good advice, and I think I will do this.

 

She has mentioned that I am the best thing to have ever happened to her, and that sometimes she feels undeserving of someone so special. I'm not trying to talk myself up - and I know she meant it. I almost see it as a subtle confession... That she knows she made a big mistake. I think it's a case that she backed herself into a corner (by lying) and feels that revealing the truth now would do more damage than good. Funnily enough, it would probably make me respect her more!

 

As you said, if that's the worst of the lies, it's hardly an issue. I don't doubt that she is completely exclusive (now). We've met each others families, we assist each other financially, we know each others friends, attend work/family/friend functions together, etc. She wouldn't be wasting her time with those things if she was still on the "prowl".

[IAmRobot]

She has definitely been more honest/open with other things since then. Your comment about "fear". If it was fear, it was of the relationship ending, not anything else.

 

Yes, of the relationship ending. Of you judging her. Of her looking bad in front of your eyes. Imagine a kid lying to his parents.

 

But you DO NOT want this. You want to give her a feeling that whatever she does, she can tell you and you're gonna be acceptive and not judge her.

 

That does not mean you Cannot break up with her. This just give her an impression that you're not going to

[strongnrelaxed]

I think you are reading too much into it...

 

 

I must respectfully and adamantly disagree with this. If it were a man admitting such a lie to a woman, this forum would be all over his ass.

 

A lie is a lie. You are in deep trouble if you have to deal with this stuff this early on. Cheating is cheating -period. If there is anything I have learned from the women on this site it is this.

 

Get out while the getting is good.

[Linial80]

Yes, of the relationship ending. Of you judging her. Of her looking bad in front of your eyes. Imagine a kid lying to his parents.

 

But you DO NOT want this. You want to give her a feeling that whatever she does, she can tell you and you're gonna be acceptive and not judge her.

 

That does not mean you Cannot break up with her. This just give her an impression that you're not going to

 

She definitely knows she can trust me. And I agree with your first point - I think she believes the truth would now change my view of her (even though it wouldn't).

 

She has told me other things that really if not revealed, would appear WORSE than multi-dating!

 

I must respectfully and adamantly disagree with this. If it were a man admitting such a lie to a woman, this forum would be all over his ass.

 

A lie is a lie. You are in deep trouble if you have to deal with this stuff this early on. Cheating is cheating -period. If there is anything I have learned from the women on this site it is this.

 

Get out while the getting is good.

 

Interesting viewpoint. And I see where you are coming from. I think it is a stretch to define it as "cheating". Maybe more of a case of keeping her options open. It was within the first month of us being together.

 

I think ending it would probably be a bit harsh, especially since I do love her. I am not an insecure guy, and I have no reason to be insecure about the relationship at this present time.

 

Obviously the lie is concerning, but had her friend not said anything, it would effectively have never been an issue. I think something like this is better off as knowing EVERYTHING, or knowing NOTHING. Whereas knowing only part of it created a bit of doubt. I'm sure all our friends could share something with our partners that would probably make them unhappy.

[Darren Steez]

What exactly is the point of this thread?

[Joaquin]

To give this fellow a forum to help him try and justify what (he has been told) his then exclusive girlfriend did with another man. And that she lied to him. Something along those lines.......

[Linial80]

What exactly is the point of this thread?

 

To raise and/or create discussion. Like most threads.

 

To give this fellow a forum to help him try and justify what (he has been told) his then exclusive girlfriend did with another man. And that she lied to him. Something along those lines.......

 

Exactly. Thanks!

[Darren Steez]

To give this fellow a forum to help him try and justify what (he has been told) his then exclusive girlfriend did with another man. And that she lied to him. Something along those lines.......

 

errm he's already justified it for her.. something along those lines..