Another toxic friend

[SpiralOut]

This is someone I don't see very often. When we were teenagers we spent a lot of time together and got along really well. I am now feeling that I've had enough of her. We have mutual friends that I visit a few time a year, so I don't know if cutting her off completely is an option, but I don't consider her a friend anymore.

 

The reasons why . . . she often gives me advice about what she thinks I should do regarding my sex life and dating life. This is despite the fact I don't ask for it. I don't talk about it. I consider it to be private. Yet she sees me as being in need of advice, telling me I "need to" do this, or "you should" do that. She is divorced with two kids and she sleeps around, mostly with scumbags. One of them got her pregnant, denied it, then she had a miscarriage. She's not a happy person. Every time I talk to her she is complaining about something.

 

Last time we talked on the phone, she complained about her ex-husband and what a ****ty father he was to their kids. At the end of the phone call, I realized that her kids were sitting there right beside her!! It horrified me that she would say things like that in front of them.

 

I've always shrugged off her comments since I am not taking sex life advice from someone who can't pick a winner. This past weekend I suddenly realized there is more to it than that. She doesn't even know who I am!! She still sees me as the virgin I was in highschool. She doesn't know that I've loosened up a lot since then. Rather than assuming I've matured and do adult things now, she chooses to think I haven't changed. That says something. I think she sees that as something she is better at than me.

 

I'm sick and tired of her condescending advice. It always comes out of nowhere. I find that she's immature. She still acts like a teenager in many ways. I feel like she takes her frustrations out on me. She also complains about people, then I find out she went and hung out with them again. It makes me wonder what she says about me behind my back. I saw her this past weekend and she told me "look happier" even though she looked absolutely miserable. I rolled my eyes and ignored her. She then kept telling me how happy she was that I came, then made little effort to talk to me.

 

I think she must be another toxic person pretending to be my friend. What do you think?

[iris219]

Why do you seem to attract so many toxic friends?

[SpiralOut]

Gee I don't know why but if anyone knows the answer, I would like to hear it.

Edited August 7, 2013 by SpiralOut

[mercuryshadow]

I think we teach people how to treat us. If we continually keep the door open to let certain trample all over us or give us crappy, unwanted advice, they'll just keep doing it. If you value a person or their friendship, the best thing to do is to find a kind, direct way of communicating to them that you doing appreciate some of the ways they behave toward you.

 

No one is perfect. That said, I try to be a very mindful person and treat people well. I hate conflict, though, and have a hard time voicing my feelings to friends. I've had several toxic friends over the years and realize I didn't nip issues in the bud when I should have. There were some lost friendships that could have been salvaged, I believe. Others were simply ill-intended people who clearly had no regard for others, and those I do not miss in the least. It's good to examine the good qualities of others and see if their values match yours. If their intentions seem malicious or negative, it may be best to let some people go.

[amaysngrace]

When you stop and realize that you chose this friend as a teenager then you can have an easier time letting her go.

 

Chances are when you were a teenager you had a whole different perspective as you do now. Teenagers make bad choices everyday.

 

Just because you made the choice to be her friend then doesn't mean that you would choose her now if you met her tomorrow.

 

It isn't healthy to live in the past for a reason. It hinders growth.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks . . . yeah I think I let people walk on me so that's why the toxic ones like me. They can get away with stuff they can't do with other people. I'm getting good at avoiding becoming friends with them in the first place, but friends from the past are harder to let go of. It would feel disloyal almost to let it go.

 

I won't make any effort to see her again, but if mutual friends invite her out (which they probably will) and she is there and pulls that crap on me again, I will confront her. It doesn't even hurt my feelings what she says. It is just so annoying. My sex life is none of her business. I like to keep it classy and she sees that as inexperienced or frigid or something. It's not. It is insulting that she wants me to be more like her. I don't want to sleep with everyone, thanks. Oh well.

[sdraw108]

I won't make any effort to see her again, but if mutual friends invite her out (which they probably will) and she is there and pulls that crap on me again, I will confront her. It doesn't even hurt my feelings what she says. It is just so annoying. My sex life is none of her business.

 

The problem here is you. You've been bottling this up for years, and now out of the blue you're going to explode at her for something she doesn't even know she's doing wrong! A simple, "I really feel uncomfortable talking about my sex life" the first few times she did it would have taken care of it, and if she carried on doing it anyway, then you'd be justified in having a more negative reaction.

[whichwayisup]

I'm 42. I surround myself with people I can trust and are geniune. My closest friends accept and love me with all my flaws and I can be me no matter what.

 

I have a few other types of friends - Let's call them fun buddies or just buddies. That is what your friend has to be moved to.

 

Stop opening up to her about anything personal and if you want her in your life still, keep it light hearted and fun. Never ask her anything personal either.

 

Or, just distance yourself from her completely, don't return any calls and hope she gets the hint and disappears from your life quietly.

[SpiralOut]

The problem here is you. You've been bottling this up for years, and now out of the blue you're going to explode at her for something she doesn't even know she's doing wrong! A simple, "I really feel uncomfortable talking about my sex life" the first few times she did it would have taken care of it, and if she carried on doing it anyway, then you'd be justified in having a more negative reaction.

 

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

 

Where in my post did I say this has been going on for years? Where did I say that I was planning to explode at her?

 

I'm 42. I surround myself with people I can trust and are geniune. My closest friends accept and love me with all my flaws and I can be me no matter what.

 

I have a few other types of friends - Let's call them fun buddies or just buddies. That is what your friend has to be moved to.

 

Stop opening up to her about anything personal and if you want her in your life still, keep it light hearted and fun. Never ask her anything personal either.

 

Or, just distance yourself from her completely, don't return any calls and hope she gets the hint and disappears from your life quietly.

 

I agree. The thing is that I've considered her to be a fun buddy for quite some time now. Her comments come out of the blue. She blurts them out when we aren't even discussing the topic at hand. I avoid bringing up certain topics. I don't really open up to her about personal stuff, though I might have let things slip a couple of times when there were others with us. So I will be more careful from now on. I don't know. I won't be visiting them for a while, so I have some time to decide what to do.

Edited August 8, 2013 by SpiralOut

[sdraw108]

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

 

Yes, but that's sort of missing my point. Just because you didn't do it then, doesn't mean you can't do it now. But what it does mean is that you can't place the blame at her feet. You can do that once you've had a respecftul conversation about it with her, and she still continues doing it.

 

Where in my post did I say this has been going on for years?

 

You strongly implied it, by references to the passage of time:

 

When we were teenagers we spent a lot of time together and got along really well. I am now feeling that I've had enough of her. We have mutual friends that I visit a few time a year, so I don't know if cutting her off completely is an option, but I don't consider her a friend anymore.

 

Where did I say that I was planning to explode at her?

 

Right here:

 

I won't make any effort to see her again, but if mutual friends invite her out (which they probably will) and she is there and pulls that crap on me again, I will confront her. It doesn't even hurt my feelings what she says. It is just so annoying. My sex life is none of her business. I like to keep it classy and she sees that as inexperienced or frigid or something. It's not. It is insulting that she wants me to be more like her. I don't want to sleep with everyone, thanks. Oh well.

 

This bitter and angry rant coming out of nowhere at her, after years of just "shrugging it off", is going to seem like an explosion to her.

[Meaplus3]

Thanks . . . yeah I think I let people walk on me so that's why the toxic ones like me. They can get away with stuff they can't do with other people. I'm getting good at avoiding becoming friends with them in the first place, but friends from the past are harder to let go of. It would feel disloyal almost to let it go.

 

I won't make any effort to see her again, but if mutual friends invite her out (which they probably will) and she is there and pulls that crap on me again, I will confront her. It doesn't even hurt my feelings what she says. It is just so annoying. My sex life is none of her business. I like to keep it classy and she sees that as inexperienced or frigid or something. It's not. It is insulting that she wants me to be more like her. I don't want to sleep with everyone, thanks. Oh well.

 

And that's just it right there. If they know they can walk all over you they will and then Making you feel very used. Good you recognize TOXIC now recognize not to be so nice and get tough. I always had a heart of gold. And to a point I still do. But, I stand my ground now and I speak my mind, its called true to yourself. Good luck.

[SpiralOut]

Yes, but that's sort of missing my point. Just because you didn't do it then, doesn't mean you can't do it now. But what it does mean is that you can't place the blame at her feet. You can do that once you've had a respecftul conversation about it with her, and she still continues doing it.

 

 

 

You strongly implied it, by references to the passage of time:

 

 

 

 

 

Right here:

 

 

 

This bitter and angry rant coming out of nowhere at her, after years of just "shrugging it off", is going to seem like an explosion to her.

 

Ummm. I have no intention of repeating this bitter and angry rant at her, nor do I plan on exploding or being otherwise disrespectful to her. This particular issue of mine -- the unsolicited advice about my sex life -- has not been going on for years. It is recent. I prefer to focus on the present and what I can do now, rather than berate myself or be berated for what I "should have" done in the past. I think you are seeing someone else in my post, someone who is not me.

Edited August 9, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

You seem to have a lot of toxic friends.

 

Regardless of whether she is toxic or not, it doesn't sound like you really want to be friends with her. Some friends we make when we are teens we are not meant to keep for life.

 

You could also try and tell her that you find some of the things she says hurtful or annoying, and see where that gets you. But from the tone of your original post, I don't see what exactly you have together that binds you as friends.

 

Let her go, and move on.

 

Yeah I guess we have nothing in common. She is a good person at heart. I have been worried she would take it the wrong way. She has a chip on her shoulder when it comes to city people, which is what I have turned into. I've been worried about her thinking that I think I am too good for her or something but that's not it. We just have nothing in common now.

 

I will let it fade away.

[RiverRunning]

I think you're making the right decision in letting this woman fade out of your life. I recently had a similar situation - we'd been friends since we were teenagers, so for several years. In his case, he let his jealousy and insecurity eat him up as soon as the playing field of our lives was uneven. Miserable when I was doing well, delighted when I was struggling.

 

I think you've realized that although her latest unsolicited advice is annoying, she has several other fundamental personality issues that make this friendship...a pain to continue. No one wants to be friends with the bitter woman who's going to rave about her ex...right in front of their children. Nor do they want to be around someone who's so frequently upset and angry.

 

You can talk to someone and work on a problem - you can't coax someone into changing their outlook on life. And some folks just aren't at all open to hearing anything other than a glowing review of themselves. I knew my ex-pal wasn't like that - too many conversations where he trembled with anger when he thought somebody was in the slightest disagreeing with him.

 

Letting him slip out of my life was one of the best decisions I ever made. I'd just take a little longer every time to get back to him, and I was brief. I never initiated contact. Eventually, he got the hint and tapered off.

 

With time, maybe you will feel the same. It's hard letting someone go after you've known them for so long. But like you, this was someone I brought into my life when I felt worse about myself and less assertive, so I'd let him walk all over me and put me down.

 

Life is too short.

[SpiralOut]

I think you're making the right decision in letting this woman fade out of your life. I recently had a similar situation - we'd been friends since we were teenagers, so for several years. In his case, he let his jealousy and insecurity eat him up as soon as the playing field of our lives was uneven. Miserable when I was doing well, delighted when I was struggling.

 

I think you've realized that although her latest unsolicited advice is annoying, she has several other fundamental personality issues that make this friendship...a pain to continue. No one wants to be friends with the bitter woman who's going to rave about her ex...right in front of their children. Nor do they want to be around someone who's so frequently upset and angry.

 

You can talk to someone and work on a problem - you can't coax someone into changing their outlook on life. And some folks just aren't at all open to hearing anything other than a glowing review of themselves. I knew my ex-pal wasn't like that - too many conversations where he trembled with anger when he thought somebody was in the slightest disagreeing with him.

 

Letting him slip out of my life was one of the best decisions I ever made. I'd just take a little longer every time to get back to him, and I was brief. I never initiated contact. Eventually, he got the hint and tapered off.

 

With time, maybe you will feel the same. It's hard letting someone go after you've known them for so long. But like you, this was someone I brought into my life when I felt worse about myself and less assertive, so I'd let him walk all over me and put me down.

 

Life is too short.

 

I agree completely. Yeah I was already stuggling to overlook her other issues. The unsolicited advice makes it too much to deal with. She has also said a few things to me that felt aggressive. It's like she's talking to a totally different person. She's talking to who she thinks I am, not who I really am. She hasn't changed or matured. She also drives by her ex-husbands house at night, and she egged it at least once. I mean come on. I hope that she gets her **** together. Right now I can't overlook all of this.

[darkmoon]

your love-life is hers by proxy in her mind

[BeckyFontenot]

You can choose to have positive friends or you can choose to have negative friends. The choice is yours. I would want you to realize that every person you choose to have in your life will either be a positive influence or a negative one. If you associate with negative , foul mouthed , offensive people then guess what most likely you will become? Just like them! Maybe not right away, sometimes its a subtle progression. When she calls you, you have a CHOICE in whether you answer the phone or not...You decide who you want in your life...You can confront her lovingly about her obscene and negative behavior or ignore her. One of two things will occur...She will either get angry at you and yell and scream or she will apologize and ask for forgiveness and make an effort to change. If she does the latter, she's a keeper. If she does the first thing, throw her back...She was never a friend to begin with.

[Tayla]

Five tricks to debunk a negative nellie:

1: Singing loudly "Nobody knows the troubles I've seen"

2: Get a Kleenex and fake cry loudly and over react!

3: Agree with them and expand on whatever that negative thought is! Make it ten times worse...They will think you've gone bonkers but really you are showing them just how ludicrous there negative thought process was!

4: Echo everything they said...Like Gee my ex is such a jerk! Parrot them but with a twist...! Say Gee your ex is such a jock! - They will instantly go..huh? I didnt' say jock I said jerk! Where in you kindly say Ohh ....go on...my hearing isn't so well after I put cotton in it from the last time I heard a rant.

Gotta go change that cotton! See ya!

5: Smile and nod...smile and nod...Then create a distraction...Like..WOW did you just see that??And they go...See what??? You go...I just saw a flying monkey! In which they think you smoked too much (insert drug of choice) and secretly you wish you had some around TOO smoke!

Thats my tips and fun way of dealing with negative nellies

[SpiralOut]

Yeah I think I emit this vibe of "I will put up with your crap". I was raised to be a "nice girl" so being assertive sometimes makes me feel like I am being a bitch. I have gotten much better at it, but still have a long ways to go apparently, since I still attract these types.

[mea_M]

Yeah I think I emit this vibe of "I will put up with your crap". I was raised to be a "nice girl" so being assertive sometimes makes me feel like I am being a bitch. I have gotten much better at it, but still have a long ways to go apparently, since I still attract these types.

 

I was raised the same way, I get it. Then by not being assertive enough, I turned into a door mat. Little tough skin is all you need. Be you and believe in you. It will take you good places and will attract the right people. You will see.

[Onward_Upward]

... She still sees me as the virgin I was in highschool. She doesn't know that I've loosened up a lot since then. ...

 

lol ... A Freudian slip?

 

The "male" aspect of me laughed out loud at this... I couldn't help it! Sorry!

[SpiralOut]

lol ... A Freudian slip?

 

The "male" aspect of me laughed out loud at this... I couldn't help it! Sorry!

 

ahahahha. oh I feel embarrassed now, but it's still funny. I didn't mean for it to sound that way at all!

[Roadkill007]

it's good you're starting to cut off the toxic "friends" now. Better sooner than later eh? I've known people who were still being used by toxic friends well into their 50s.... you'd think both they and their toxic friends might have grown out of it by then, yea?

[SpiralOut]

I know I haven't updated this in a long time. I decided I don't want her as a friend anymore. Last time I visited, at Easter, I contacted two of my friends and invited them out. I didn't invite this girl out.

 

I go out and she is there. Our mutual friend had invited her along. It was made extra awkward by the way that she didn't say hi to me, didn't seem happy to see me, hardly spoke to me. I don't understand what the hell she even came out for. She clearly doesn't like me and I don't like her.

 

She hasn't made any more "you need to go have sex" comments, probably because her children were sitting there. When I saw her at Christmas (again, I hadn't invited her, our mutual friend did), she didn't say anything because my best friend was with me, or I'm assuming that's why she behaved herself. I don't think she would dare act nasty to me in front of her.

 

My question is, how do I politely tell our mutual friend to stop inviting her? She is very close friends with her, much closer to her than she is to me. How do I politely say, "I don't like your friend, please don't invite her anymore"?

 

Oh and she hasn't changed. She spent most of the lunch just randomly out of nowhere talking about other women that she thinks are bitches. She did that with her kids sitting there.

Edited June 6, 2014 by SpiralOut

[amaysngrace]

It depends on who is making plans really. If your mutual friend is you can ask if she will be there and decide if you want to go but if it's you making plans just tell your friend that you don't want that person there.

 

Then it will be her decision if she wants to go without her.