Left my husband now I feel bad

[aml1016]

I will try to keep this short as I can but I am needing some advice. I left my husband almost 9 months ago. We were together for 10 years married for 7. Our relationship from the beginning was not the best we worked in a big nightclub and drank a lot. We had a lot of both physical and emotional fights. Besides that I would always beg for his attention and affection and he would just say it wasn't how he was. Our relationship got a lil better after we no longer worked at the clubs but still a few physical fights any time we would have a lot to drink. I always felt like he wasn't that into me and over the past few years I just went through the motions. I stopped feeling comfortable talking to him about my feelings and wants and needs because he was always so defensive. Over the past couple years the business we owned closed and he got into a depression, I did not know exactly how to handle it but I tried to reassure him that everything would be ok. I lived with him in FL and my family is up north so he was all I had and he would never tell me everything would be ok and I think over the years I got to the point not caring anymore. The year before I left I told him that I wasn't happy and wanted to leave and at this time he said he would try to do the little things that made me happy but unfortunately I think I was already done and was numb and didn't have many feelings and just went through the motions. In the 10 years we were together I tried to leave him several times and he would talk me into staying. through our relationship we both had trust and honesty problems. I just recently started talking to him and I think I gave him my phone number because I am lonely and miss the life I am use to. Plus I feel bad because when I left he was at work and I changed my number and moved back up north with my family. I just didn't want him to talk me in circles again. Now that I have been talking to him for about 4 weeks I feel even worse because he still wants to try and has been begging me to come back to FL and I just keep saying I don't know. He has said over the past few weeks that he understands why I left but the more I talk to him the more the real him is coming out and I don't see anything changing. I need to find the courage to tell him that I DO know and that I am not coming back but I am scared to and I feel bad for even talking to him because I feel like I have just been leading him on. I am at a loss I feel so bad and just want to stop being confused. 4 weeks ago I did have a little hope for us but after we talked over the weekend and everything was to be on his terms and he keep saying he did everything, so I came to believe that I just need to let him go because if he did everything then what would be different???? Any positive feedback welcomed.

[Yasuandio]

Here is the best advise you will ever get. But, like many women in your situation, who write long rambling posts like your's, you won't "get it."

 

Stay away from people that physically abuse (assault) you, period. End of story.

 

Now, maybe, you will "get it" when depressed guy busts your jaw in a couple pieces, and you are sipping through a straw for eight to ten months cause your mouth is wired shut. Maybe, maybe not. Stats are not in your favor on this kind of matter. That is why law enforcement is now in charge of filing domestic violence complaints to the Courts.

 

Here is how the story goes. Wife gets knocked around, physically and menally abused. Wife gets fed up and leaves the husband. Then the wife feels bad."Rinse and Repeat." Condition split ends with authorities as needed..

 

Try to learn the bolder potion. Yas

Edited August 7, 2013 by Yasuandio
Additional sarcasm.

[RonaldS]

Here is the best advise you will ever get. But, like many women in your situation, who write long rambling posts like your's, you won't "get it."

 

Stay away from people that physically abuse (assault) you, period. End of story.

 

Now, maybe, you will "get it" when depressed guy busts your jaw in a couple pieces, and you are sipping through a straw for eight to ten months cause your mouth is wired shut. Maybe, maybe not. Stats are not in your favor on this kind of matter. That is why law enforcement is now in charge of filing domestic violence complaints to the Courts.

 

Here is how the story goes. Wife gets knocked around, physically and menally abused. Wife gets fed up and leaves the husband. Then the wife feels bad."Rinse and Repeat." Condition split ends with authorities as needed..

 

Try to learn the bolder potion. Yas

 

Why do you assume it was her H beating on her? Any chance that maybe she was starting it?

 

Here's why I ask. My mother (who was married several times) was in a number of abusive relationships. But guess what....I witnessed her getting partially-blacked out drunk and attacking these guys. Of course, they would both be drunk, so they would both be wailing on each other and nobody having a single rational thought or reaction.

 

There was abuse in my marriage. Mainly verbal/emotional, but it turned physical once. I'm sure you would assume that I went after her. Of course...I'm the guy. But here's the thing. She was the abusive one. Even the time that she attacked me physically, all I did was put my hands up to protect myself. Never touched her. Not coincidentally, that was the catalyst for our marriage falling apart, because I totally shut down on her from that point on.

 

But lets not just make generalizations and assumptions here.

[Yasuandio]

Why do you assume it was her H beating on her? Any chance that maybe she was starting it?

 

Here's why I ask. My mother (who was married several times) was in a number of abusive relationships. But guess what....I witnessed her getting partially-blacked out drunk and attacking these guys. Of course, they would both be drunk, so they would both be wailing on each other and nobody having a single rational thought or reaction.

 

There was abuse in my marriage. Mainly verbal/emotional, but it turned physical once. I'm sure you would assume that I went after her. Of course...I'm the guy. But here's the thing. She was the abusive one. Even the time that she attacked me physically, all I did was put my hands up to protect myself. Never touched her. Not coincidentally, that was the catalyst for our marriage falling apart, because I totally shut down on her from that point on.

 

But lets not just make generalizations and assumptions here.

 

duh. So let me re-phrase, since you wanna be so nit-picky. The best advice for this poster is to avoid any situation where physical assault can occur. That goes for you too, Ronald.

 

I think Law Enforcement authorities would tend to agree with this position. Are you ok with that now, Ronald? Is what I just re-phrased PC enough for you to handle? Therefore, if you apply this method (molded above) and avoid contact with a physically abusive person, you can become less concerned about physical abuse. Can we agree on that?

 

Now, I hope this girl doesn't go get herself killed (or put in prison) for brawling with this creep, "cause she feels bad." Remember she's the one reaching out to us for help, here. And she needs some dang tough love. Yas

Edited August 7, 2013 by Yasuandio

[aml1016]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. He was the one that was abusive although I did punch him one time because he was holding me down and sitting on top of me in our front yard:( He keeps texting me and begging for one more chance. he wants me to leave my family and move back to FL to see how things will be for a year. I feel bad for even giving him my # because I feel deep down that everything will be the same. I just need to tell him that I don't want to give it another chance and that we both need to move on but it is so hard to get the strength to tell him this. I feel like I have caused so much hurt leaving while he was at work and then giving him my new # just because I was missing him:( I hate that I feel so bad. And we did try counseling only went 3 maybe 4 times and the whole time all we did was talk about past and what I did and what he did. Didn't get anything from it:( I am at a loss as what to say or what to do...

[Yasuandio]

Just change your number again.

[vla1120]

I feel like I have caused so much hurt leaving while he was at work and then giving him my new # just because I was missing him I hate that I feel so bad.

 

Do you think he feels as bad for the times he abused you? The only way to ensure your safety is NOT to get back with him. Stand your ground. Like Yas said, change your number again and DO NOT give it to him. Be strong. When you start feeling bad, remind yourself how you felt after he beat you. Don't let him back in. No good can come from it! Stay strong. You can do it!